Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 5, Episode 6 - Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? - full transcript
Del Boy's old pal Jumbo Mills is back with tales of his booming business in Australia. What's more he wants Del to go back down under with him as his partner in the enterprise. Could Del really leave Peckham for good?
Ah yes, we'll have two
sirloin steaks, thank you Michael.
Make 'em big 'uns mate.
Yes that's right, as Jumbo
says, make 'em big 'uns.
Saute potatoes, a selection of greens and put the whole
thing put on my account will you Michael.
What account?
Ha, ha, what account! See what I mean Jumbo, the old
place hasn't lost its sense of humour!
Well, I wouldn't laugh if a
barman made a berk of me.
Barman! Now just you listen
here pal!
Michael, Jumbo did not mean
any offence. Shall we sit down over here?
Hey mate.
Did you know this pub hasn't
got a music licence?
Still, as long as it's him playing
there's no problem, hey?
Who's the big-mouth Aussie,
Mike?
Oh him, he's no Australian,
he used to be a local lad then he emigrated.
That was a bit of luck
weren't it? So what's he doing back?
Buying some cars off Boycie
or something.
Oi, there you are, you mucky old sod. Listen, have you
seen the state of my Persian rug back at the flat?
You run the old J Edgar over it
as soon as you get back.
Cor blimey, should see it. Give me, giss a Manhattan Mike,
small rum for him. Spit in the rum.
Where's Rodney?
Rodney, I left him down
clearing up the market.
'Ere, some mush just had a go
at me.
Had a go at you? Who had a go
at you, where?
Him! Took the mickey out of
my piano playing.
Well, you ought to be used to
that now Albert.
I'll sort him out, you stay here. I'll
sort you out an' all - later.
Right 'ere, excuse me pal -
I don't believe it! I don't believe it!
Jumbo bloody Mills! Who let
you back in the country?
Oh, look at this will yer!
Talk about a bad penny. Del Boy, how are you mate?
Alright mate, alright my son.
You are looking double well.
That's 'cos I live in a
healthy country. No fog or frost in Oz mate.
It's great, it suits you, it
suits you. Look at all that!
So tell me, what are you
doing back home, eh?
Derek, Jumbo and I are having
a business meeting. It's all rather confidential.
I've got no secrets from Del.
Me and him were partners back in the Sixties.
That's right, that's right. We used to have a fish stall
right outside the pub 'ere, didn't we?
Yes, I remember.
Cor, those were the days, eh.
Those were the days.
So how long you back home for
anyway?
Well, just a week or so.
In fact, I'm just here to finalise a deal with Boycie,
take in a bit of sightseeing.
I wish to God I hadn't
bothered. This country's become a cesspit Del.
You're right there Jumbo.
A cesspit. What do you mean,
cesspit?
You could find cleaner places
in an Abbo's armpit.
I tell you what though Jumbo.
You can't tell that that's a wig.
That's because it's not a wig.
Oh, do me a favour. You used
to have curly hair, come on that's a syrup innit?
Of course it ain't a syrup.
Look, I've got a tenner here
that says that is a syrup.
I have got a tenner here
that says it ain't.
Alright then, cover that
Boycie. Now listen, I tell you why I know that...
Is that your change over
there?
Here we go.
Thank you very much.
What the flamin' hell d'you
think you're playing at?
I don't believe you sometimes Del, here am I tryin'
to clinch a business deal
and you've just nicked my
client's wig.
Well it was for a bet! You
do understand don't you Jumbo?
No I bloody well don't!
Jeez. You always liked
embarrassing me didn't you?
Look chaps, this is just a
temporary condition.
My doctors have assured me
that my own hair will grow back - well - eventually.
Here you are gents.
Where's the loud-mouthed
Aussie gone?
Just put the stuff on the
table and leave us alone mate.
Now just a minute pal.
Mike, Mike, leave it, leave
now, go on, it's alright.
He's a nice bloke, he really
is a nice bloke.
Oh yeah, a typical Brit, the
only thing that works is the mouth!
Del, I'm trying to have a
business meeting, do you mind?
Alright. You enjoy your nosh,
I'll see you later.
Yeah, I've gotta talk to you
Del.
Alright then, any time.
Sorry. They want you over there.
Thanks a lot Boyce.
See you.
He seems a nasty bit of
work.
Who, Jumbo? Na, that's just
the way he is, that's all.
He's got a heart of gold,
that bloke.
His trouble is that his mouth is always
three seconds ahead of his brain.
But, I tell you what, I tell you what, he is a
diamond that bloke. He's never cheated me.
He's as straight as a die. A real
diamond.
The import and export licences will be looked after
by my people, they should only take a couple of weeks.
Yeah, yeah, look Boycie I'm sorry, but I can't
concentrate without the toop. I feel naked.
I'll just pop to the gents
and put it back.
Oh course Jumbo, I fully
understand.
Oi, I want a word with you.
Oi Jumbo, no wait a minute. Listen, you remember that
horrible little kid brother of mine?
One with the funny hair cut, all snot and
Marmite.
Yeah, I remember. It's him
innit? You ain't changed a bit Rodney.
This is Jumbo Mills, remember?
Na, of course you wouldn't, you were only a little sprog
when he emigrated to Australia.
Done very well for himself, ain't he, eh?
Look.
You can say that again mate.
The best thing that I ever
did was getting out of this dump.
Of course now, I'm a major shareholder in an
office cleaning company.
Got a chain of fast-food restaurants and I'm just
going into the automobile trade.
Last year, Del, I bought this apartment
overlooking Sydney Harbour. Half a million dollars.
Architect-designed interior
right down to the mirrored ceiling in the bedroom.
- Mirrored ceiling!
- Oh, kinky.
No, no, it's purely decorational. I mean, I wouldn't
use it for anything like...well, like that.
Well, you wouldn't use it to
comb your hair, would you.
- You think I'm bald don't you?
- Well, it had crossed my mind.
Well, I'm not.
Well, that's a hell of a
parting you've got there son.
What I mean is I am not
naturally bald.
You mean you pay someone to
do that?
What I mean, Rodney, is that
this is the result of a nervous disorder,
and my doctors have assured me that
me own hair will grow back at any time now.
Trouble is that they told
him that 15 years ago!
No, listen, he don't mean
it. He's only winding you up.
Alright Del, I'll see you
about eight o'clock.
Alright mate, see you later.
Come on then Rodney, Albert,
drink up we've got work to do.
D'you clear up down the
market?
Yes I did. That's what I wanna talk to you about. How
long have I been a rubbish clearer?
You never told me I got promoted. And that
weren't even our rubbish, Del,
that come off Harry
Dando's fruit and veg stall.
I know it did, now listen
Rodney.
Harry's, well, and old man now, he's getting
on, got arthritis and a touch of rheumatism.
You know, if I can help somebody as I go along my way,
my living will not have been in vain.
- That's my motto.
- How much he pay you?
A fiver, so you want two
pound then don't you?
No I don't. I want two pound
fifty.
Oi, when that doctor said your hair could grow back
anytime now, he weren't kidding was he.
So anyway, listen, he said for a moment, 'There I
thought you were 'hissing my performance.'
Hello Del.
Alright Mike. Listen, giss a banana daiguiri for moi
and Australian lager for Jumbo. Alright.
I only sell British lager,
Del. Kronenborg, Hofmeister, stuff like that.
Well, giss one of them then,
that's alright, fine.
So how's life been treating
you Del?
I'm alright, not complaining,
not complaining.
I take it you never did become that millionaire
you were always talking about?
Well, no, no, not yet. You
know.
'This time next year I'll be
a millionaire.'
Do you realise they were the last
words you said to me before I emigrated?
Trouble is that
was 1967!
Well, you know there's still time, still time.
Thank you Michael. Thank you, cheers.
D'you believe that Del? I
mean, do you truly believe it?
Yeah, course I do, yeah.
You should have come with me
Del. You're wasted here.
This country's finished,
it's old - decrepit.
Yeah, alright, it's my
country so stop having a pop at it will yer?
The stench of defeat is
everywhere.
Alright, so it's British
stench and I happen to be proud of it. Alright?
The old place has got no
guts any more.
That's funny that is Jumbo,
someone said that a while ago.
A little jumped-up general in Buenos Aires.
And if you're not careful you'll get what the Argies
got, a good smack in the eye. Alright?
Now hold on, hold on. I
didn't mean to offend you.
I'm just tryin' to point
out a few facts, that is all.
Alright mate, leave it at
that then.
D'you remember when our
business broke up and I decided to emigrate?
Well, if it hadn't 'ave been for you
Del, I'd have gone to Australia potless.
You gave
me your last two hundred pounds.
I told you to forget it,
forget it, didn't I?
Well I never did forget it
mate.
No, even when times were hard I used to lay in
bed at night and think to myself
'One day I'm gonna pay
Del back, with interest!'
And now I am. I want us to
reform our old partnership.
What, get another fish stall?
No, no, no, no. You see, I'm
starting up this business.
I'm gonna import prestige
European motors, like Rollers, Mercs, that kind of thing.
I want you to come to
Australia as my partner.
I want you to front the business Del Boy, I want you
to deal with the public,
give 'em that old
razzamatazz like you used to.
Australia?
Well, I've got the money,
I've got the site and thanks to my little deal with
Boycie, I've got the motors. All I need is you.
Well, I dunno. Australia, it
ain't 'alf a long way away off innit, eh?
They'd love you over there,
they've got no class.
What?
No, what I mean is they've
got no class structure like they have here in England.
Over there it doesn't matter how you talk. You
see, in Oz, a bloke's just a bloke.
Yeah but, cor blimey, it'll
cost a fortune to get over there, won't it eh?
I'm paying.
No, no, I couldn't, I ain't got a trade or nothing. You
know, they wouldn't accept me, would they?
You've got better than that.
You've got a full partnership in a growing company.
Derek, this time next year
you will be that millionaire!
No, no, you know, I've got
family ties and all that ain't I?
Well bring 'em with you. Put
young Rodney on the pay roll.
Well, he has got two GCEs.
That doesn't matter, we'll
find something for him to do.
Well, no, no Jumbo. You gotta
remember we didn't 'alf used to row a lot didn't we?
So we'll still row. Our biggest argument
will be who's got the most millions.
So what do you say Del Boy,
are we gonna do it or ain't we?
Alright, put it there, you
old bastard, you're in for a fast ride.
Michael, Michael, please a
bottle of champagne for my partner and me.
And make it the best champagne. A bottle
of that Dillingers 75.
That's Prince Charles's
favourite champagne that.
No, that's Bollingers.
It's bloody true I'm telling
you.
They're not at it again in
Brixton are they?
This is the blitz of London.
I was there.
Rodney, Rodney, Rodney,
we're going to Australia!
I'll just see the end of this
first.
Good boy, good boy. Listen,
I'll get the glasses.
'Sunarise, she come in the morning. Sunarise, she come
up in the morning, Lighting up the ground all around.'
I think you've had enough,
don't you?
I'm celebrating ain't I? It's not every day like you decide
to go to Australia, is it? Go on.
I tell you what, I'll make
you a nice cup of black coffee.
No, you don't
understand. We're going to Australia!
What do you mean 'We're going
to Australia?'
Now listen, I met...What's
the matter? What's the matter with this boy?
Don't he understand? Let me put it
another way, right. We are going to Australia.
See what happened, Jumbo, Jumbo
offered me a partnership in his company,
his new company, and it's gonna be a
real big earner, Rodney,
this time next year we will
be millionaires.
Right, first thing in the morning
we're going up Australia House, right
and we fill in our forms and you know,
we're away, we're away.
Don't I have any say in
this? I might not wanna go to Australia.
It's too late now,
I've given him your word, you see.
Well, I want time to think
about this.
You don't have to do that,
I've done all that for you.
Just think Rodney, eh,
Australia, where the men are men, eh.
- And so are the women.
- What's that supposed to mean?
Last time I was over there the only way you could tell
the sexes were the men spit further.
Alright, when was the last
time...When was the last time you was over there?
1929.
1929. Cor blimey, we were
still transporting prisoners over there then, weren't we?
Never mind, listen, I want
to explain something to you.
Look Rodney, I've got...Look Jumbo borrowed me some of
his photos. Look at them, look at that beach there.
Oh yeah, look at that bird.
Oh, that'd bruise yer ribs wouldn't it. Hey Rodney,
that could be us in a little while.
Blue skies, surfing, beach parties, all that, eh?
What'd you reckon?
It sounds great. And he
wants us to help run his new car business?
No, no, no. Not help run it.
No, no, no, I'm gonna be a partner, aren't I.
Straight down the middle, see Jumbo
he's gonna have 51 per cent of the shares you see.
Well how's that straight down
the middle then?
Well I'll get 51 per cent of the share
as well, I suppose.
The thing is Jumbo's gonna be behind the
scenes like, he's gonna handle all the money like,
and I'm gonna be the sales
director.
I'm gonna have my own executive office, with a
swivel chair and all that game. See.
So what's my job?
Ah, listen Rodney, you're gonna play a very vital role
in the organisation, and I know,
I just know that you
can handle it.
So what is it?
Well you know when all them Rolls Royces and Mercs
they come trundling off the ship,
what is the first
thing they're gonna need?
Import licences, customs
clearance, all that.
More important than that.
Re-registering, they gotta
have new number plates and log books and all that.
What are they gonna need
more than that?
- Cleaning!
- Cleaning?
Yeah.
He's going 20,000 miles just
to be a car cleaner?
No, he's not gonna be just a
car cleaner. He's gonna be a prestige car cleaner.
You know, he's gonna be in charge
of it and all that.
I'll have staff working under
me then?
Eventually, yeah. I mean this
is a growing business, Rodney,
and in a year from now I can't afford to have
you down there with your mutton cloth and your T cut.
I've got to have you up in the boardroom, and you'll
have your own in-car celluloid phone.
And a secretary?
Yeah, all that, you've got
to have all that.
What about Albert, though.
We got to find something for him to do.
Yeah, well I've sorted it
all out.
I wouldn't waste your time
boys, 'cos I'm not going.
Oi, come here Albert, what
you mean not going?
Listen to me son. I've spent
three-quarters of my life sailing round this world.
Now, all I want is a place
to sit down and stay there.
When I come to live with you
two I hoped that I would end my days here.
Yeah, well so did we. But, I mean,
this is a great opportunity for us Unc.
Yeah.
It's a young man's oppertunity Rodney.
I'll be alright here on my own.
Alright, if that's what you
really want Unc.
Listen, I'll make sure
you're alright for a few bob.
Yeah, you're a good boy Del.
Hey Del, we'll be getting
away from all this - the fumes and squalor.
It's goodbye to all that and
hello to clean air, good living.
That's a point, where are we
gonna live?
Jumbo said we could have his
apartment for a while.
What, not on Sydney Harbour?
Yes, that's the one. It'll
be like living on another planet.
Yes Rodney, you can have the
room with the mirror ceiling.
Well, what's it say?
I've been accepted. I've
been accepted!
Well, thank God for that.
I've had this feeling see. Everything's been going so
well I thought something's gotta go wrong, ain't it?
No boy, you're home and dry.
I've got this feeling as well.
I think this is the
chance that's gonna change your life.
Yeah, I'm gonna make it this
time Albert. You bloody see if I don't!
Alright?
Triffic Rodders, triffic. I had a letter, I've been
accepted ain't I??
Wassamatter?
Nothing, nothing's the matter.
Oi, you ain't getting
homesick already are you?
No! I got a letter this
morning as well.
They've refused me an immigration visa,
they've turned me down. Sorry mate.
But why Rodney? I mean you're
young.
And you've got GCEs.
I've also got a criminal
record for an offence involving drugs.
Yeah, but, I mean, bloody 'ell! That was years ago and
you only took one bloody puff!
Yeah I know, but it don't say
that on your file does it.
It just says 'Found guilty for
the illegal use of drugs.'
I'm sorry mate, I'm really
sorry. I've messed it all up for you ain't I?
No you ain't bruv, no you
ain't.
Yes I have. I've blown your
big chance.
No you haven't, there is a
way round Rodney. There's always a way round it.
Really?
Don't worry Rodney. I'll
find another car cleaner.
You're still going? You're
gonna go without me?
I've got to, I mean, I've got
a partnership waiting for me over there.
But what about our partnership?
Our partnership? Oh, our
partnership.
Well, yeah, that means all the world to me
Rodney you know that,
but I'm just gonna have to say bonjour
to it.
Look boys, I know it's none
of my business...
You're spot on Albert.
I'll make a toast, son
Look Rodney, this is my
golden opportunity to fulfill my potential.
What do you want me to do? Stay here,
flogging all this rubbish.
I've got 24 computers here that don't work, I gotta
near-Persian rug that's got more food on it than a menu.
But last year when I had a golden opportunity you
forced me to give it up didn't you?
You give me all that cobblers about loyalty
and family ties.
But you wanted to become a
window cleaner, didn't you?
It's hardly the end of the
rainbow stuff that, was it?
Yeah, well I'd have had my
own business.
I know Rodney, but you will
have your own business
because as soon as I step on that aeroplane you will
become the sole proprietor of Trotters Independent Traders.
And what exactly am I
supposed to trade with?
Well, at least you've got 24
beautiful looking computers,
and this sort of Persian rug, not bad, you sloosh it over
with a J cloth and it's a real goer.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Here's my
little black book right.
Now I'm gonna give you that and
that contains the names and addresses of all my birds.
And this is my future. 24
computers that don't compute,
the only rug in the world
with a sell-by date and...
The script to A Hundred and
One Dalmatians. Thanks a lot!
Don't you think I've
sacrificed enough for you?
Sacrifices? For me?
Yes you, when dear Mum, Gawd
rest her soul, when she died...
Don't start again.
When she died, who stood by
you?
Yes, I remember that well.
I was a little five-year-old stood in a damp graveyard
wondering what the hole in the ground was for,
I remember all the other people saying
'I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?'
But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a
vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy!
Da da da daad! 'I, Del Boy,
will look after this small waif.
I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will
sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners.
And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van
whilst pissed out of his skull!'
And I did, didn't I?
Yeah, you made a bloody good job of it too. Just think
Del, so far I'm your only success!
That says a lot for
the two of us, don't it?
Rodney, Rodders, listen, I'm gonna make a fortune over
there, I'll send you money and that.
You know what you can do with
your money Del.
Rodney, look, I've gotta have a chance, I mean this
country's going downhill fast, innit?
I know but I think the real
opportunity lies right here.
What happens when acountry's in a depression, eh?
Money gets tight, don't it?
People can't afford to pay
the inflated shop prices, so what do they do?
They come to blokes like us don't they.
I tell you, the more hard up
Britain gets, the richer we'd become, eh?
This is my big chance Rodney.
Fine, well I'll see you
around, sport!
Dipstick.
I suppose you heard all that?
There are tugboat crews on
the Thames heard it all.
So what have we come to, eh? A
family feud.
You're like them Ewing brothers, Bobby
and JR.
Yeah, I suppose I am a bit
like that Bobby.
I wouldn't have said Rodney was like
that JR though. AJ Arthur, but not a JR!
Rodney's late.
He's probably out getting
smashed somewhere.
Families, families, they're nothing
but problems, ain't they Albert?
That's true son. Would you
like my advice Del?
Yeah, why not. Go on, chuck
your penny-worth in.
You've gotta go son.
If you don't take this chance down you'll spend the rest of
your life wondering what might have been.
It's a kind of thing can eat away at you.
I know it'll be tough for young Rodney, but eventually
he'll learn to stand on his two feet.
In the long run, this could be the best thing
for the both of you.
Cheers Albert. Thanks very much,
perhaps one day you'll try explaining it to Rodney.
You're better at it than me. I'm gonna phone Jumbo, and
tell him what time I'll be arriving.
I tell you one thing, phoning
Australia don't 'alf hurt your finger.
Hello Jumbo, Del Boy, eh? Well with your money
you ought to have a phone in the khazi!
Now listen, a bit of a problem.
Rodney won't be coming over.
No, we've got a few snags this
end see. Me?
Na, I won't be coming over either.
Well it's loyalties innit? Family ties, all that.
I know what I am. I'm sorry mate, the whole deal's off.
You know it makes sense.
Anyway, thanks very much for the offer, it was much
appreciated. Yeah, I'll see you around pal, cheers.
Well, I'm glad my advice
helped.
Well, what else could I do?
I suppose it'll be for the best in the end.
Are you happy now son?
I dunno, in a way I suppose, yes. It's like a big
weight's been removed from my shoulders, I know that.
Well I suppose that's something.
Well, see you in the morning son, goodnight.
Yeah, night Unc.
- Alright?
- Oh yeah, brill.
I owe you an apology Del.
All them things I said earlier, I was right out of order, and
you've gotta take that opportunity.
Na, it's too late bruv.
I've already phoned Jumbo and told him the whole deal's off.
You ain't? Because of what I
said?
Well, yeah, in a way Rodney, in a way, because you said
'The real opportunity lies here.'
You know the country's in a bad way, money's tight,
people are looking for
bargains and who do they turn to first, eh?
Blokes like us.
Blokes like us. I was sitting here, you know, and I thought
Rodney has hit the nail right on the head there.
I thought, this wonderful land of ours
is on the eve of a golden age of the black market.
And you and me, you know we're gonna
be in there first.
I'm glad I listened to you Rodney, I
really am,
because if I'd have taken that 'Chance of a
Lifetime' it could have ruined me.
So we're...we're still
partners then?
Yes, if you'll have me back.
Oh well, let me sleep on it,
eh?
I'll smack you in the nose,
saucy sod.
Hey Del, this time next year,
eh.
Yeah, this time next year
- Well, I'll see you in the morning.
- See you in the morning.
- And Del, you know...
- Yeah, I know bruv, goodnight...
Yeah, this time next year!
'Who wants to be a millionaire?'
Subtitles by
NVL
sirloin steaks, thank you Michael.
Make 'em big 'uns mate.
Yes that's right, as Jumbo
says, make 'em big 'uns.
Saute potatoes, a selection of greens and put the whole
thing put on my account will you Michael.
What account?
Ha, ha, what account! See what I mean Jumbo, the old
place hasn't lost its sense of humour!
Well, I wouldn't laugh if a
barman made a berk of me.
Barman! Now just you listen
here pal!
Michael, Jumbo did not mean
any offence. Shall we sit down over here?
Hey mate.
Did you know this pub hasn't
got a music licence?
Still, as long as it's him playing
there's no problem, hey?
Who's the big-mouth Aussie,
Mike?
Oh him, he's no Australian,
he used to be a local lad then he emigrated.
That was a bit of luck
weren't it? So what's he doing back?
Buying some cars off Boycie
or something.
Oi, there you are, you mucky old sod. Listen, have you
seen the state of my Persian rug back at the flat?
You run the old J Edgar over it
as soon as you get back.
Cor blimey, should see it. Give me, giss a Manhattan Mike,
small rum for him. Spit in the rum.
Where's Rodney?
Rodney, I left him down
clearing up the market.
'Ere, some mush just had a go
at me.
Had a go at you? Who had a go
at you, where?
Him! Took the mickey out of
my piano playing.
Well, you ought to be used to
that now Albert.
I'll sort him out, you stay here. I'll
sort you out an' all - later.
Right 'ere, excuse me pal -
I don't believe it! I don't believe it!
Jumbo bloody Mills! Who let
you back in the country?
Oh, look at this will yer!
Talk about a bad penny. Del Boy, how are you mate?
Alright mate, alright my son.
You are looking double well.
That's 'cos I live in a
healthy country. No fog or frost in Oz mate.
It's great, it suits you, it
suits you. Look at all that!
So tell me, what are you
doing back home, eh?
Derek, Jumbo and I are having
a business meeting. It's all rather confidential.
I've got no secrets from Del.
Me and him were partners back in the Sixties.
That's right, that's right. We used to have a fish stall
right outside the pub 'ere, didn't we?
Yes, I remember.
Cor, those were the days, eh.
Those were the days.
So how long you back home for
anyway?
Well, just a week or so.
In fact, I'm just here to finalise a deal with Boycie,
take in a bit of sightseeing.
I wish to God I hadn't
bothered. This country's become a cesspit Del.
You're right there Jumbo.
A cesspit. What do you mean,
cesspit?
You could find cleaner places
in an Abbo's armpit.
I tell you what though Jumbo.
You can't tell that that's a wig.
That's because it's not a wig.
Oh, do me a favour. You used
to have curly hair, come on that's a syrup innit?
Of course it ain't a syrup.
Look, I've got a tenner here
that says that is a syrup.
I have got a tenner here
that says it ain't.
Alright then, cover that
Boycie. Now listen, I tell you why I know that...
Is that your change over
there?
Here we go.
Thank you very much.
What the flamin' hell d'you
think you're playing at?
I don't believe you sometimes Del, here am I tryin'
to clinch a business deal
and you've just nicked my
client's wig.
Well it was for a bet! You
do understand don't you Jumbo?
No I bloody well don't!
Jeez. You always liked
embarrassing me didn't you?
Look chaps, this is just a
temporary condition.
My doctors have assured me
that my own hair will grow back - well - eventually.
Here you are gents.
Where's the loud-mouthed
Aussie gone?
Just put the stuff on the
table and leave us alone mate.
Now just a minute pal.
Mike, Mike, leave it, leave
now, go on, it's alright.
He's a nice bloke, he really
is a nice bloke.
Oh yeah, a typical Brit, the
only thing that works is the mouth!
Del, I'm trying to have a
business meeting, do you mind?
Alright. You enjoy your nosh,
I'll see you later.
Yeah, I've gotta talk to you
Del.
Alright then, any time.
Sorry. They want you over there.
Thanks a lot Boyce.
See you.
He seems a nasty bit of
work.
Who, Jumbo? Na, that's just
the way he is, that's all.
He's got a heart of gold,
that bloke.
His trouble is that his mouth is always
three seconds ahead of his brain.
But, I tell you what, I tell you what, he is a
diamond that bloke. He's never cheated me.
He's as straight as a die. A real
diamond.
The import and export licences will be looked after
by my people, they should only take a couple of weeks.
Yeah, yeah, look Boycie I'm sorry, but I can't
concentrate without the toop. I feel naked.
I'll just pop to the gents
and put it back.
Oh course Jumbo, I fully
understand.
Oi, I want a word with you.
Oi Jumbo, no wait a minute. Listen, you remember that
horrible little kid brother of mine?
One with the funny hair cut, all snot and
Marmite.
Yeah, I remember. It's him
innit? You ain't changed a bit Rodney.
This is Jumbo Mills, remember?
Na, of course you wouldn't, you were only a little sprog
when he emigrated to Australia.
Done very well for himself, ain't he, eh?
Look.
You can say that again mate.
The best thing that I ever
did was getting out of this dump.
Of course now, I'm a major shareholder in an
office cleaning company.
Got a chain of fast-food restaurants and I'm just
going into the automobile trade.
Last year, Del, I bought this apartment
overlooking Sydney Harbour. Half a million dollars.
Architect-designed interior
right down to the mirrored ceiling in the bedroom.
- Mirrored ceiling!
- Oh, kinky.
No, no, it's purely decorational. I mean, I wouldn't
use it for anything like...well, like that.
Well, you wouldn't use it to
comb your hair, would you.
- You think I'm bald don't you?
- Well, it had crossed my mind.
Well, I'm not.
Well, that's a hell of a
parting you've got there son.
What I mean is I am not
naturally bald.
You mean you pay someone to
do that?
What I mean, Rodney, is that
this is the result of a nervous disorder,
and my doctors have assured me that
me own hair will grow back at any time now.
Trouble is that they told
him that 15 years ago!
No, listen, he don't mean
it. He's only winding you up.
Alright Del, I'll see you
about eight o'clock.
Alright mate, see you later.
Come on then Rodney, Albert,
drink up we've got work to do.
D'you clear up down the
market?
Yes I did. That's what I wanna talk to you about. How
long have I been a rubbish clearer?
You never told me I got promoted. And that
weren't even our rubbish, Del,
that come off Harry
Dando's fruit and veg stall.
I know it did, now listen
Rodney.
Harry's, well, and old man now, he's getting
on, got arthritis and a touch of rheumatism.
You know, if I can help somebody as I go along my way,
my living will not have been in vain.
- That's my motto.
- How much he pay you?
A fiver, so you want two
pound then don't you?
No I don't. I want two pound
fifty.
Oi, when that doctor said your hair could grow back
anytime now, he weren't kidding was he.
So anyway, listen, he said for a moment, 'There I
thought you were 'hissing my performance.'
Hello Del.
Alright Mike. Listen, giss a banana daiguiri for moi
and Australian lager for Jumbo. Alright.
I only sell British lager,
Del. Kronenborg, Hofmeister, stuff like that.
Well, giss one of them then,
that's alright, fine.
So how's life been treating
you Del?
I'm alright, not complaining,
not complaining.
I take it you never did become that millionaire
you were always talking about?
Well, no, no, not yet. You
know.
'This time next year I'll be
a millionaire.'
Do you realise they were the last
words you said to me before I emigrated?
Trouble is that
was 1967!
Well, you know there's still time, still time.
Thank you Michael. Thank you, cheers.
D'you believe that Del? I
mean, do you truly believe it?
Yeah, course I do, yeah.
You should have come with me
Del. You're wasted here.
This country's finished,
it's old - decrepit.
Yeah, alright, it's my
country so stop having a pop at it will yer?
The stench of defeat is
everywhere.
Alright, so it's British
stench and I happen to be proud of it. Alright?
The old place has got no
guts any more.
That's funny that is Jumbo,
someone said that a while ago.
A little jumped-up general in Buenos Aires.
And if you're not careful you'll get what the Argies
got, a good smack in the eye. Alright?
Now hold on, hold on. I
didn't mean to offend you.
I'm just tryin' to point
out a few facts, that is all.
Alright mate, leave it at
that then.
D'you remember when our
business broke up and I decided to emigrate?
Well, if it hadn't 'ave been for you
Del, I'd have gone to Australia potless.
You gave
me your last two hundred pounds.
I told you to forget it,
forget it, didn't I?
Well I never did forget it
mate.
No, even when times were hard I used to lay in
bed at night and think to myself
'One day I'm gonna pay
Del back, with interest!'
And now I am. I want us to
reform our old partnership.
What, get another fish stall?
No, no, no, no. You see, I'm
starting up this business.
I'm gonna import prestige
European motors, like Rollers, Mercs, that kind of thing.
I want you to come to
Australia as my partner.
I want you to front the business Del Boy, I want you
to deal with the public,
give 'em that old
razzamatazz like you used to.
Australia?
Well, I've got the money,
I've got the site and thanks to my little deal with
Boycie, I've got the motors. All I need is you.
Well, I dunno. Australia, it
ain't 'alf a long way away off innit, eh?
They'd love you over there,
they've got no class.
What?
No, what I mean is they've
got no class structure like they have here in England.
Over there it doesn't matter how you talk. You
see, in Oz, a bloke's just a bloke.
Yeah but, cor blimey, it'll
cost a fortune to get over there, won't it eh?
I'm paying.
No, no, I couldn't, I ain't got a trade or nothing. You
know, they wouldn't accept me, would they?
You've got better than that.
You've got a full partnership in a growing company.
Derek, this time next year
you will be that millionaire!
No, no, you know, I've got
family ties and all that ain't I?
Well bring 'em with you. Put
young Rodney on the pay roll.
Well, he has got two GCEs.
That doesn't matter, we'll
find something for him to do.
Well, no, no Jumbo. You gotta
remember we didn't 'alf used to row a lot didn't we?
So we'll still row. Our biggest argument
will be who's got the most millions.
So what do you say Del Boy,
are we gonna do it or ain't we?
Alright, put it there, you
old bastard, you're in for a fast ride.
Michael, Michael, please a
bottle of champagne for my partner and me.
And make it the best champagne. A bottle
of that Dillingers 75.
That's Prince Charles's
favourite champagne that.
No, that's Bollingers.
It's bloody true I'm telling
you.
They're not at it again in
Brixton are they?
This is the blitz of London.
I was there.
Rodney, Rodney, Rodney,
we're going to Australia!
I'll just see the end of this
first.
Good boy, good boy. Listen,
I'll get the glasses.
'Sunarise, she come in the morning. Sunarise, she come
up in the morning, Lighting up the ground all around.'
I think you've had enough,
don't you?
I'm celebrating ain't I? It's not every day like you decide
to go to Australia, is it? Go on.
I tell you what, I'll make
you a nice cup of black coffee.
No, you don't
understand. We're going to Australia!
What do you mean 'We're going
to Australia?'
Now listen, I met...What's
the matter? What's the matter with this boy?
Don't he understand? Let me put it
another way, right. We are going to Australia.
See what happened, Jumbo, Jumbo
offered me a partnership in his company,
his new company, and it's gonna be a
real big earner, Rodney,
this time next year we will
be millionaires.
Right, first thing in the morning
we're going up Australia House, right
and we fill in our forms and you know,
we're away, we're away.
Don't I have any say in
this? I might not wanna go to Australia.
It's too late now,
I've given him your word, you see.
Well, I want time to think
about this.
You don't have to do that,
I've done all that for you.
Just think Rodney, eh,
Australia, where the men are men, eh.
- And so are the women.
- What's that supposed to mean?
Last time I was over there the only way you could tell
the sexes were the men spit further.
Alright, when was the last
time...When was the last time you was over there?
1929.
1929. Cor blimey, we were
still transporting prisoners over there then, weren't we?
Never mind, listen, I want
to explain something to you.
Look Rodney, I've got...Look Jumbo borrowed me some of
his photos. Look at them, look at that beach there.
Oh yeah, look at that bird.
Oh, that'd bruise yer ribs wouldn't it. Hey Rodney,
that could be us in a little while.
Blue skies, surfing, beach parties, all that, eh?
What'd you reckon?
It sounds great. And he
wants us to help run his new car business?
No, no, no. Not help run it.
No, no, no, I'm gonna be a partner, aren't I.
Straight down the middle, see Jumbo
he's gonna have 51 per cent of the shares you see.
Well how's that straight down
the middle then?
Well I'll get 51 per cent of the share
as well, I suppose.
The thing is Jumbo's gonna be behind the
scenes like, he's gonna handle all the money like,
and I'm gonna be the sales
director.
I'm gonna have my own executive office, with a
swivel chair and all that game. See.
So what's my job?
Ah, listen Rodney, you're gonna play a very vital role
in the organisation, and I know,
I just know that you
can handle it.
So what is it?
Well you know when all them Rolls Royces and Mercs
they come trundling off the ship,
what is the first
thing they're gonna need?
Import licences, customs
clearance, all that.
More important than that.
Re-registering, they gotta
have new number plates and log books and all that.
What are they gonna need
more than that?
- Cleaning!
- Cleaning?
Yeah.
He's going 20,000 miles just
to be a car cleaner?
No, he's not gonna be just a
car cleaner. He's gonna be a prestige car cleaner.
You know, he's gonna be in charge
of it and all that.
I'll have staff working under
me then?
Eventually, yeah. I mean this
is a growing business, Rodney,
and in a year from now I can't afford to have
you down there with your mutton cloth and your T cut.
I've got to have you up in the boardroom, and you'll
have your own in-car celluloid phone.
And a secretary?
Yeah, all that, you've got
to have all that.
What about Albert, though.
We got to find something for him to do.
Yeah, well I've sorted it
all out.
I wouldn't waste your time
boys, 'cos I'm not going.
Oi, come here Albert, what
you mean not going?
Listen to me son. I've spent
three-quarters of my life sailing round this world.
Now, all I want is a place
to sit down and stay there.
When I come to live with you
two I hoped that I would end my days here.
Yeah, well so did we. But, I mean,
this is a great opportunity for us Unc.
Yeah.
It's a young man's oppertunity Rodney.
I'll be alright here on my own.
Alright, if that's what you
really want Unc.
Listen, I'll make sure
you're alright for a few bob.
Yeah, you're a good boy Del.
Hey Del, we'll be getting
away from all this - the fumes and squalor.
It's goodbye to all that and
hello to clean air, good living.
That's a point, where are we
gonna live?
Jumbo said we could have his
apartment for a while.
What, not on Sydney Harbour?
Yes, that's the one. It'll
be like living on another planet.
Yes Rodney, you can have the
room with the mirror ceiling.
Well, what's it say?
I've been accepted. I've
been accepted!
Well, thank God for that.
I've had this feeling see. Everything's been going so
well I thought something's gotta go wrong, ain't it?
No boy, you're home and dry.
I've got this feeling as well.
I think this is the
chance that's gonna change your life.
Yeah, I'm gonna make it this
time Albert. You bloody see if I don't!
Alright?
Triffic Rodders, triffic. I had a letter, I've been
accepted ain't I??
Wassamatter?
Nothing, nothing's the matter.
Oi, you ain't getting
homesick already are you?
No! I got a letter this
morning as well.
They've refused me an immigration visa,
they've turned me down. Sorry mate.
But why Rodney? I mean you're
young.
And you've got GCEs.
I've also got a criminal
record for an offence involving drugs.
Yeah, but, I mean, bloody 'ell! That was years ago and
you only took one bloody puff!
Yeah I know, but it don't say
that on your file does it.
It just says 'Found guilty for
the illegal use of drugs.'
I'm sorry mate, I'm really
sorry. I've messed it all up for you ain't I?
No you ain't bruv, no you
ain't.
Yes I have. I've blown your
big chance.
No you haven't, there is a
way round Rodney. There's always a way round it.
Really?
Don't worry Rodney. I'll
find another car cleaner.
You're still going? You're
gonna go without me?
I've got to, I mean, I've got
a partnership waiting for me over there.
But what about our partnership?
Our partnership? Oh, our
partnership.
Well, yeah, that means all the world to me
Rodney you know that,
but I'm just gonna have to say bonjour
to it.
Look boys, I know it's none
of my business...
You're spot on Albert.
I'll make a toast, son
Look Rodney, this is my
golden opportunity to fulfill my potential.
What do you want me to do? Stay here,
flogging all this rubbish.
I've got 24 computers here that don't work, I gotta
near-Persian rug that's got more food on it than a menu.
But last year when I had a golden opportunity you
forced me to give it up didn't you?
You give me all that cobblers about loyalty
and family ties.
But you wanted to become a
window cleaner, didn't you?
It's hardly the end of the
rainbow stuff that, was it?
Yeah, well I'd have had my
own business.
I know Rodney, but you will
have your own business
because as soon as I step on that aeroplane you will
become the sole proprietor of Trotters Independent Traders.
And what exactly am I
supposed to trade with?
Well, at least you've got 24
beautiful looking computers,
and this sort of Persian rug, not bad, you sloosh it over
with a J cloth and it's a real goer.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Here's my
little black book right.
Now I'm gonna give you that and
that contains the names and addresses of all my birds.
And this is my future. 24
computers that don't compute,
the only rug in the world
with a sell-by date and...
The script to A Hundred and
One Dalmatians. Thanks a lot!
Don't you think I've
sacrificed enough for you?
Sacrifices? For me?
Yes you, when dear Mum, Gawd
rest her soul, when she died...
Don't start again.
When she died, who stood by
you?
Yes, I remember that well.
I was a little five-year-old stood in a damp graveyard
wondering what the hole in the ground was for,
I remember all the other people saying
'I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?'
But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a
vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy!
Da da da daad! 'I, Del Boy,
will look after this small waif.
I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will
sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners.
And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van
whilst pissed out of his skull!'
And I did, didn't I?
Yeah, you made a bloody good job of it too. Just think
Del, so far I'm your only success!
That says a lot for
the two of us, don't it?
Rodney, Rodders, listen, I'm gonna make a fortune over
there, I'll send you money and that.
You know what you can do with
your money Del.
Rodney, look, I've gotta have a chance, I mean this
country's going downhill fast, innit?
I know but I think the real
opportunity lies right here.
What happens when acountry's in a depression, eh?
Money gets tight, don't it?
People can't afford to pay
the inflated shop prices, so what do they do?
They come to blokes like us don't they.
I tell you, the more hard up
Britain gets, the richer we'd become, eh?
This is my big chance Rodney.
Fine, well I'll see you
around, sport!
Dipstick.
I suppose you heard all that?
There are tugboat crews on
the Thames heard it all.
So what have we come to, eh? A
family feud.
You're like them Ewing brothers, Bobby
and JR.
Yeah, I suppose I am a bit
like that Bobby.
I wouldn't have said Rodney was like
that JR though. AJ Arthur, but not a JR!
Rodney's late.
He's probably out getting
smashed somewhere.
Families, families, they're nothing
but problems, ain't they Albert?
That's true son. Would you
like my advice Del?
Yeah, why not. Go on, chuck
your penny-worth in.
You've gotta go son.
If you don't take this chance down you'll spend the rest of
your life wondering what might have been.
It's a kind of thing can eat away at you.
I know it'll be tough for young Rodney, but eventually
he'll learn to stand on his two feet.
In the long run, this could be the best thing
for the both of you.
Cheers Albert. Thanks very much,
perhaps one day you'll try explaining it to Rodney.
You're better at it than me. I'm gonna phone Jumbo, and
tell him what time I'll be arriving.
I tell you one thing, phoning
Australia don't 'alf hurt your finger.
Hello Jumbo, Del Boy, eh? Well with your money
you ought to have a phone in the khazi!
Now listen, a bit of a problem.
Rodney won't be coming over.
No, we've got a few snags this
end see. Me?
Na, I won't be coming over either.
Well it's loyalties innit? Family ties, all that.
I know what I am. I'm sorry mate, the whole deal's off.
You know it makes sense.
Anyway, thanks very much for the offer, it was much
appreciated. Yeah, I'll see you around pal, cheers.
Well, I'm glad my advice
helped.
Well, what else could I do?
I suppose it'll be for the best in the end.
Are you happy now son?
I dunno, in a way I suppose, yes. It's like a big
weight's been removed from my shoulders, I know that.
Well I suppose that's something.
Well, see you in the morning son, goodnight.
Yeah, night Unc.
- Alright?
- Oh yeah, brill.
I owe you an apology Del.
All them things I said earlier, I was right out of order, and
you've gotta take that opportunity.
Na, it's too late bruv.
I've already phoned Jumbo and told him the whole deal's off.
You ain't? Because of what I
said?
Well, yeah, in a way Rodney, in a way, because you said
'The real opportunity lies here.'
You know the country's in a bad way, money's tight,
people are looking for
bargains and who do they turn to first, eh?
Blokes like us.
Blokes like us. I was sitting here, you know, and I thought
Rodney has hit the nail right on the head there.
I thought, this wonderful land of ours
is on the eve of a golden age of the black market.
And you and me, you know we're gonna
be in there first.
I'm glad I listened to you Rodney, I
really am,
because if I'd have taken that 'Chance of a
Lifetime' it could have ruined me.
So we're...we're still
partners then?
Yes, if you'll have me back.
Oh well, let me sleep on it,
eh?
I'll smack you in the nose,
saucy sod.
Hey Del, this time next year,
eh.
Yeah, this time next year
- Well, I'll see you in the morning.
- See you in the morning.
- And Del, you know...
- Yeah, I know bruv, goodnight...
Yeah, this time next year!
'Who wants to be a millionaire?'
Subtitles by
NVL