Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 5, Episode 7 - A Royal Flush - full transcript
Rodney meets Vicky, a seemingly impoverished artist who it transpires is the daughter of the Duke of Maylebury. Having obtained a pair of tickets to the sold-out production of Carmen, Rodders seems to have deeply impressed Vicky. ...
Just look at the quality!
I mean, that's the Titmus test innit, the quality?
These are and-made
from Indonesian steel.
They've got an ivory-effect handle and they come
in a genuine synthetic-leather look alike case.
Now these canteens of cutlery
are a very exclusive line.
You can only buy these
in Harrods, Libertys and Pate's Multi-Mart!
Take a look at that. Take a look, cause
what can't speak, can't lie.
Alright darling, put your binoculars away,
cause I can tell you exactly what it says.
A Manufacturers
recommended retail price, ?42.99.
You could have printed them
yourself!
I said, you could have printed them
yourself.
Do me a favour pal!
Do I look like Rupert Maxwell?
There are two Ms in
'recommend!'
That is because they're printed in Indonesia.
That is the Indonesian spelling,
they can't spell out there, can they,
you plonker?
I'm not gonna ask you for ?42.99.
I wouldn't dream of it. I ain't come here to stripe you off.
I'm not even gonna ask you for a score.
If I said to you 'give me a tenner'
you'd think you were on a right result.
But I'm not gonna ask you
for a tenner!
Before I tell how much I want
for this wonderful canteen cutlery,
I want anyone with a nervous disposition,
anyone with a weak heart to move along please
because I do not wanna be held responsible,
as I'm only insured for third party fire and theft.
A 36 piece canteen set of cutlery, made in Indonesia,
hand made, genuine synthetic leather case
manufacturer's recommended retail price ?42.99
yours for, first come, first served, ?3.50!
Do me a favour. Take it away from me
before it hurts.
- What d'you want, jam on it?
- They can't be top quality, they're too cheap!
How can anything be too cheap, you plonker?
- Listen, I'm not a plonker!
- No? So what you doing, an impression?
- You'll not get another bargain like this again.
- I bet we don't get any guarantees with 'em!
Yes you do, you do get a guarantee.
I guarantee you get a smack in the mooey in a minute,
old cocker
if you don't move your noise somewhere else
for a month or two.
- Hello.
- Hi. Your first day in the market?
- Hmm, first day.
- Thought I hadn't see you here before.
- Is this all your own work?
- I'm afraid so!
Oh no, no! It's really good.
D'you really think so?
Oh that's awfully sweet of you.
I'm an artist. I went away
to college, for a while.
Really? I was at the Milan School of Art for two years,
then I had a spell at the Sorbonne. Where were you?
- Basingstoke.
- Basingstoke? I don't think I've heard of it?
It's a big town in Hampshire!
I meant that I hadn't heard of
the Basingstoke College of Art.
Oh it's quite famous!
Well, in Basingstoke, you know.
By the way, my name's Rodney.
Victoria. Well, Vicky.
Come along now ladies,
make the neighbours jealous.
Only the finest steel goes into
the making of this premier cutlery
producing the finest cutting edge
you've ever experienced.
Yeah, but how do we know that?
Run your wrist gently down the blade,
and you'll find out!
Alright Del Boy?
I'd rather have shingles
than these knives and forks.
At least you can get rid of shingles!
How's things with you, Trig?
- Known it worse!
- Have you? I haven't.
Alright, listen to me. I'll let you have them at cost.
That's three quid a box.
- Now come on, you know it makes sense!
- Three quid? Here, I'll have one of them Del!
- What d'you mean, you'll have one of them?
- Well at three pounds they're a bargain!
Trigger, those are the ones
that you sold me last week for a nicker each!
No, they ain't the same.
Mine didn't have them on.
I don't believe him! Alright Trig, you stay here.
I'm gonna go and give Miss Dianna a bell!
Alright. Come on, listen.
I gotta get rid of this stuff.
Quick. Away you go. Everyone, before you get
your collars felt! Go on, away you go.
Look at that stupid little
dipstick!
I'm surrounded!
Now I know how General Custer felt!
Listen, just do exactly as I say.
- You are looking for the Hilton Hotel?
- Si! Heelton Hotel!
Turn left at the top
of the road.
- Si!
- And you'll see a bus stop! Big red bus!
Take the 159 to Park Lane and
that is where the Hilton Hotel is!
Si! Danke schon. Bonsoir.
Don't get many tourists
round this way, eh officer?
No. Especially tourists that speak
three different languages - all at once!
- How much is that one?
- That's 50 pounds.
- And what about the one next to it?
- That's 85.
D'you mind if I give
you a bit of advice Vicky?
See, people round here
don't pay eighty ?85 for a painting!
People round here don't pay
85 pounds for a car!
But surely, everybody has
paintings in their homes!
Yeah, but they don't get them
from galleries and what have you.
They get 'em from British Home Stores
and Prize Bingo!
I reckon you've picked the wrong market here.
You might go down and have a crack at Portobello Road,
you might be in with a shout then.
Perhaps you're right.
Oh well, nothing ventured.
Would you be an absolute love and help me
take this stuff back to my car?
I'd like to, but I'm a bit busy
with my...
He must have sold in early
and gone for something to eat.
- Well in that case, I'm at your service Miss.
- That's awfully sweet of you. I'm sorry, I don't...
Rodney.
Wotchyer Dave.
- No. My name is Rodney, he's just very thick!
- I see.
What line of business are
you in, Rodney?
I am a partner in a... in a partnership.
Me and my brother. We buy and sell, this and that.
- Do you specialise?
- No.
I envy you. It must be wonderful to work
in the market every day.
I find it very stimulating. It's all the hustle and bustle,
and the lovely, lovely characters one sees.
Of course I know they're not all lovely! Did you spot
that noisy little person selling the tatty cutlery?
That's my brother!
Oh! I'm frightfully sorry!
When I said that he's noisy...
No you're right. He is noisy!
He's always been noisy!
But he's as good as gold really.
I sort of, look after him.
- I see. I haven't got any brothers or sisters.
- D'you want him?
No thank you.
Well, here's the old crate.
- Nice car!
- I got it for a birthday present.
I got a Nick Kershaw LP!
Right, I'm off for something to eat.
I'll see you around then Vicky.
Where do you lunch?
- Lunch? I usually go down to the Fatty Thumb.
- The Fatty Thumb?
It's Sid's caff really, but we call it
the Fatty Thumb. Just out of affection.
- May I join you?
- You? In the Fatty Thumb?
Oh, I don't think you'd like it Victoria!
It's all steam and bacteria - it's horrible!
I get the feeling that you're an inverted snob.
Come on, jump in. I'll chauffer you down there.
You won't like it Victoria!
I don't like it and I'm a regular!
Look, there's a McDonalds round the corner!
Eggs and chips. Eggs, sausage and chips.
Eggs, sausage, beans and chips.
Pie and chips! Pie, chips and peas!
The egg, bubble and beans twice.
There you go Rodney.
Don't forget your tea, son.
Two of dripping toast!
Bacon and egg and a slice!
- Here we go then, Vicky.
- I think it's absolutely lovely in here.
- It's good innit?
- Is this the bubble and squeak?
- Yeah, that's the bubble.
- What is it actually?
It's sort of greens and potatoes,
and then you mix it all up and fry it.
It's absolutely munchy!
This machine's broke again Sid!
If you don't keep tilting the sodding thing
it wouldn't break, would it?
So you're not from round
Peckham way then?
No, I was born and raised in Berkshire.
I've been in London for about three months now.
Have you always lived round here?
Yeah, always.
I've been wanting to live in London for ages.
Berkshire's so boring. Boring Berkshire I call it.
I wanted to be near the art galleries.
I suppose you're always in them?
Well not always. I did actually go up
to the National Gallery a couple of weeks back.
I suddenly realised,
and I'm ashamed to admit it
but in all the years it's been housed there
I'd never actually seen the Da Vinci cartoon.
Well I'm ashamed to admit it but I haven't seen it either.
What did you think of it?
Well they were shut.
But I'm going back.
- Why don't we go together?
- Yeah, cushty!
- Cushty?
- It means wonderful, t'riffic.
Oh I see, how frightfully Albert Square!
So shall we say tomorrow at noon?
Tomorrow? I don't know if
I'll be able to get time off work.
I thought you said you were
a partner?
Yeah, I am a partner but...
Yeah, alright then, I'll give myself the day off!
Tomorrow at noon then.
Cushty!
Do you like opera Rodney?
Of course you do, I can tell!
There's a gala performance of Carmen on
at the Theatre Drury Lane next week.
I've tried everywhere to get tickets
but it's absolutely impossible!
Impossible, I know.
I've tried and all.
I hope you don't mind me saying this,
but I didn't really think Peckham would be your scene!
Oh no, I absolutely adore this area.
It's all so rough and raw and vibrant!
I saw a woman spit yesterday!
You see, I was brought up in this tiny community
in the wilds of boring Berkshire.
My world was one of nannies
and live-in tutors and gymkhanas and village fetes.
The first time I left there was when I was eleven,
and that was only to Roedean.
Then I went off to a Swiss finishing school.
Mine was a very insular existence.
I didn't even realise there was a real world,
until I decided to make art my life.
I suppose that's why I like it round here,
it must be the artist in me.
My mother was a painter. She had some work
exhibited at the Royal Academy.
No? Oh Mega! The Royal Academy!
Does she still paint?
- No.
- Have I said something wrong?
No. You see she died when I was 12.
Skiing accident in Austria.
I'm really sorry Vicky!
I know how much it must have hurt you!
I don't think so Rodney.
I do. See, the same thing
happened to me when I was only 5.
Poor Rodney, how absolutely awful
for you.
Where was your mother skiing?
No, my mum weren't skiing!
According to what the rest of the family
tell me, my mum didn't do a lot of skiing!
She just had something wrong with her,
that's all.
Oh I see... Sorry!
Lord, look at the time!
I must dash, otherwise they start worrying.
- Who do?
- Special Branch.
Special Branch?
It's all incredibly tedious!
They have to protect us. Well, Daddy mainly.
Why, what is he, a super-grass?
No! Silly! He's... oh it's terribly boring!
He is the Duke of Maylebury.
- The Duke of Maylebury?
- Yes, I said it was terribly boring.
Look, I must dash. See you
tomorrow at the National?
- Yeah!
- Cushty! Ciao!
I don't know why you
couldn't of left it till tomorrow!
Leave it out, will you Albert? You've done more
whining than a bleeding spin-dryer!
Rodney's back Del Boy,
someone must have paid the ransom!
And where have you been?
- I went down the library.
- What for?
See if me shoes was done! What d'you think
I went to the library for? I went to get a book!
Burke's?
Teach-yourself book, is it?
It is a genealogical and
heraldic history of British peers!
I don't believe it! While I've been down the market
getting the tag from the local gendarmery...
this dipstick's been sitting here
reading a book about Jetis.
I'll tell you this much Rodney.
You ain't gonna get no wages on the end of the week!
Come on Del. That brird I was talking to in the market
I said I'd take her out tomorrow and I'm potless.
- That's your problem, innit?
- Thanks a bunch.
That's gonna be right embarrassing, especially with her
coming from a money background.
Yeah, I know, it's a tough old world...
What d'you mean, a money background?
- Her old man's very wealthy.
- What his game?
I've gotta tell someone, Del.
But you've gotta promise me this will go no further?
Of course not, just between us.
Have you ever heard of the
Duke of Maylebury?
- The Duke of...! Leave it out, you twonk!
- It is God's honest truth, Del!
Del, cross my heart and hope to die
in a cellar full of rats!
What d'you mean, that little girl...?
Her Daddy...?
- Honest, it's for real!
- Bloody hell!
- But it's gotta be our little secret though.
- Yeah, course it is!
Did you hear that, Albert?
You know that little sort
thatRodney's chatting up down the market?
- What about her?
- Her father, only owns a pub!
Go'n, you're pulling my leg!
Straight up! He is the Duke of Maylebury.
It's over Nunhead Way, innit Rodney?
No! No listen! He don't own the Duke of Maylebury!
He is the Duke of Maylebury!
He's nobility!
He's a peer of the realm!
Leave it out Rodders! I've seen a picture
of the real Duke of Maylebury in the Sporting Life.
He owns that horse, Hansome Samson,
second favourite for the Derby next year.
And that little girl, she don't look nothing like him!
She looks like the horse, maybe. Not him.
She's no more nobility than you are!
No? Have a look at that then!
I don't believe it! It's her!
That's the girl from the market!
Which one?
The one without the top hat on. She's standing here
next to Princess Anne at a rodeo or something!
They're in here and all.
Her father is a sort of second cousin to the Queen!
Vicky's in here and all.
Here you are. Her proper title is
'Lady Victoria Marsh Hales'.
Of child of Sir Henry Marsham,
K.B.E. N.V.O.M.C. and Bar.
14th Duke of Maylebury! Family home
Covington House, Upper Stanameer, Berkshire.
- You ain't had a go at her, have you?
- No, I ain't!
Well, you keep your mucky mitts off her!
Otherwise we'll have her mother round here t
hrowing royal perogatives all over the shop!
I doubt it, her mother died
in a skiing accident about nine years ago.
Alright then, answer me this. If she is a titled lady,
what's she going out with him for?
- He's giving me the right hump, Del.
- It's alright Rodders.
Listen Albert,
Rodney has got some very nice qualities.
She might have been smitten
by his rakish charms and boyish good looks!
On the other hand, she could be
a posh tart fancying a bit of scrag!
You never can tell.
Wait a minute! I got it now! Got it!
I think I know what this is all about!
Listen. It is a well known fact that
every three or four hundred years
the old aristocracy have got to bring a bit
of common stock to water the old blue blood down a bit.
What, and they can't do better than that?
Do me a favour!
I'm gonna crack him
round the head in a minute!
I bet you any money that her old man
has told her to find herself a husband.
And Rodney's in the frame!
Rodney, ask her to marry you!
I don't wanna get married!
Listen to me you dipstick!
Just think about it for a minute, will ya?
Think of all the advantages.
That Vicky is the sole heiress
to the Maylebury fortunes!
She's got no brothers or sisters and the old gel
popped her clogs half way down the giant slalom!
So when the old duke finally says
bonsoir to this mortal curl,
she will become the Duchess!
And you know what that means.
What?
I want you to remember this moment.
We could be looking at the future Duke of Maylebury!
He don't look like a peer of the realm!
Not at the moment.
But stick a coronet on his head,
bit of ermine,
get rid of them boots and he's a dead ringer!
- I don't want to be a Duke!
- Don't give me all that Tony Benn cobblers!
Think of all the advantages!
You'll be sitting in the House of Lords!
Yeah... we can watch you
on the telly having a kip.
Look, me and Vicky are more mates than anything else!
We have one mutual interest - art!
Other than that we're worlds apart! I mean,
she wants us to go to places like.. well, the opera.
- Why, what's on?
- An opera!
- I mean what opera?
- I don't know! Carmen or something, it's a gala performance.
- Why don't you take her then?
- How do I do that? I don't know the first thing about operas.
And besides, it's impossible
to get tickets, innit?
If you want tickets
you shall have tickets, Cinders.
- How?
- How? From Limpy Lionel the ticket tout!
- He can get tickets for anything!
- Gonna cost, Del.
What does money matter compared
with little Rodney's happiness?
I still don't understand how you managed it!
Even Daddy couldn't get tickets for
the tonight, and he tried everywhere!
Oh, it was nothing really!
I have let's just say - contacts!
- But they must have cost the earth!
- I didn't ask - I just told my man, 'Get them!'
I hope they're not forgeries!
- Good Evening Lady Victoria.
- Hello.
Thank you, sir.
- Thank you sir, have a nice evening.
- What?
- I said, have a nice evening sir.
- Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Are you alright?
- I'm fine! I'll get us a programme, shall I?.
Two programmes please.
That's 8 pounds, sir.
- No, two programmes!
- They're 4 pounds each, sir.
Rodney. I know you'll think
I'm a frightful old bore,
but you know you've invited me
to a soccer match on Saturday?
- Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel.
- Oh! Well, that's no problem Vicky.
I must go home you see, Daddy's invited
a few friends down to the estate for the weekend
a shoot and then dinner. I simply have to be there,
I'm the lady of the house these days.
No, that's alright. I understand.
- Would you like to join us, as my guest?
- Oh, em... well...
You could stay overnight and then on Sunday
I'll take you for a wonderful lunch at our little local.
- Yes! Thank you Vicky, I'd love to!
- Oh, that's super!
- Can I get you a drink?
- A very dry white wine and soda please.
Right. It won't be a minute.
Could I have two very dry
white wines and sodas please?
Alright bruv? I was getting a bit worried,
the old time was creeping on!
Alright darling? They reckon
it's a good 'un tonight!
Oi John, when you've finished yer dinner break,
can we have some service up here?
He is already serving me!
Cubra libre, in there for moi, alright?
Del, what the bloody hell are
you doing here?
Oh that's charming, after all I've done for you!
There were four tickets up for grabs!
And you know me, I love a bit of opera!
You? The only opera you've ever seen
was Tommy, and that was on video!
You ain't ever been to an opera in your life!
I've never milked a cow in me life
but I still like a bit of cheese!
- Victoria, this is my brother Derek.
- Hello. How nice to meet you.
And you. And may I say Victoria
how particularly lovely that you are looking tonight.
Thank you. I didn't realise
you were going to be joining us.
- Yes, there were 4 tickets available, you see.
- And I bought 'em all!
Yes, and Rodney bought them all!
That's him, he's generous to a fault!
- I don't believe it!
- What don't you believe?
This is the Theatre Royal Druery Lane
and someone's ordered a kissogram!
Never! Where?
- You saucy git... That's my bird!
- It ain't! Del, it ain't!
It's Junie! You know June!
She lives over in Zimbabwe House!
- Del, I used to go out with her daughter.
- Don't worry. She won't say a word.
I weren't sure where you'd got to!
Them karseys ain't half posh.
Yes, you only go to the best
places with me, sweetheart!
Allow me to introduce you.
Lady Victoria, I want you to meet June Snell.
- Good evening, June.
- Hello, you alright?
- Lady Victoria! Remember?
- Oh yeah!
It's a great pleasure to meet you, m'am.
Oh no, please, it really isn't necessary.
Please Victoria. June likes to keep herself
in perspective, don't you girl?
- Yeah, I think it's best!
- Of course you know Rodney, don't ya?
- Wotchyer.
- He used to go out with my daughter Debby!
- She's living with a Cypriot geezer now!
- T'riffic!
So you're an opera buff as
well, are you June?
I saw one once on BBC2.
Our telly had gone up the wall and
that was the only channel we could get.
You came round that night Del, remember?
Well you'd just delivered the telly, hadn't you?
Just needed a little bit of adjustment, that's all.
It was that world famous
foreign bloke singing, weren't there?
Yes. Wonderful voice!
Oh yes, very talented.
Great big fat git, weren't he?
Couldn't half put a song across though,
could he?
Of course, this is my most
favourite opera, Carmen.
- Figaro, Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro!
- That?s from The Barber of Seville.
It isn't from Carmen,
it's from The Barber of Seville.
That's right actually,
it is definitely The Barber of Seville.
Of course it is! Of course it is!
I don't know what's the matter with me.
I always get those two mixed up,
The Barber of Seville and Carmen.
Well, Carmen is a hairdryer innit?
Yeah, well, of course it is.
Blimey, he's rung that one
early, ain't he?
We got time for another one, haven't we?
So it's white wine and soda. June?
Benedictine and lemonade.
Excuse me. The bell is simple to tell the audience
that the performance is about to begin.
Yes, we knew that!
Yeah, we knew that, we just thought
there might be time for a quick one!
I don't think so.
I really think we ought to be taking our seats.
- May I?
- Thank you.
Alright, come on.
- How come she's got a programme and I ain't?
- She can read!
- It's a blinding opera innit?
- It's alright I suppose. It don't get going, does it?
It's not s'pposed to get going!
It's culture!
You don't come to an opera to enjoy it,
you come because it's there!
I didn't know that!
I like Vince Hill!
I like Vince Hill.
He's almost culture. Not quite, but almost.
What's that about?
I don't know. Maybe there's someone
talking somewhere.
Yeah, maybe. Some people have got
no protocol, have they?
I've got a few liquorice allsorts left.
You got one with the hundreds
and thousands on it?
Only one.
Let's have a look.
- Rodney.
- What?
- D'you want a liquorice allsort?
- Is he having a pop at me, or what?
- No, he ain't! Be quiet.
- D'you want a liquorice all-sort?
- No thank you.
There's only a couple left,
might as well finish 'em off.
- What?
- Wanna crisp?
- Don't you shush me, pal!
- Del, please!
- Vicky...
- Yes?
- Fancy a crisp?
- No thank you.
Put your arm round her shoulder.
- Put your arm round her.
- I don't bel... Del, this is not the Odeon!
- Sorry.
- Don't you 'sorry' him!
You just keep on pal, see what you get!
- You've had all of them!
- No I ain't, you had some!
- Where's Del?
- He's gone out to the ice-cream lady.
- Will you please be quiet?
- I can't find my place! Rodney!
We're over here, Del!
Thank you. Excuse me.
- Was that your foot?
- Yes.
For God's sake, how long do we have
to put up with this?
I didn't know there was an
carton on the floor!
What d'you drop it on the
floor for?
Well how was I to know you
were gonna tread on it?
Are you going to continue making this noise
throughout the entire performance?
I don't know, I might let
you off for the second half!
- Del, will you please just sit down?
- I am trying to listen!
- Well shut up then!
- Will you please be quiet?
I shall down there and smack you
in the eye in a minute John.
- Just take it easy.
- Well he's giving me the right hump Rodney!
- D'you want ice cream?
- No!
- But I bought you one.
- I don't want it!
- D'you want an ice cream?
- No thank you, I don't eat ice-cream.
- But I bought it for you.
- She don't eat ice-cream!
I've never ever liked ice cream.
What am I supposed to do with these two?
You can stick 'em where the sun don't shine
as far as I'm concerned, as long as you shut up!
Well thank you, bruv!
Thank you very much.
I love this one!
Rodney, I'm whistling!
I am sorry! I am so, so sorry!
It wasn't your fault Rodney! I'm not blaming you
and you shouldn't blame yourself!
I know, but... Oh God!
A breath of fresh air, madam,
you'll feel as right as rain.
Thank you very much, doctor.
Well, the Phantom of the Opera strikes again!
Still, I don't suppose it's the first time
someone's been sick in there, eh Victoria?
I honestly don't know,
I haven't read the full history of the building.
- D'you fancy a bite to eat?
- No!
I'm really not very hungry.
- Is everything alright Miss Victoria?
- Not really Eric, but not to worry.
You just behave yourself
if you're seeing her back to her flat tonight.
And what exactly is that
supposed to mean?
Listen to me Rodney. The last thing we need
at this delicate stage of development,
is for you to go tubbing her!
Especially after we've made
such a good impression tonight.
A good impression?
We was doing alright up
until June's psychedelic yodel!
Just get away from me Del, will you?
Just leave me alone!
Come on June, let's get you back home.
I'm sorry about tonight Del Boy.
I don't know what come over me!
Nor did that woman in front of you!
I mean you've only got yourself to blame, June.
After what you've been shoving down
your gullet tonight.
I mean, Benedictines and lemonade...
Is this the shop you was on about?
Del, when you said let's go and get
some clothes for my weekend
I thought you meant we'd pop down to Sol bros.
in Balham for a hairy shirt or something!
I didn't realise I'd have to get dressed up
like a free-range wally!
Listen to me Rodney. I'm not having you going down
to Covington House decked out like a Bob Geldof look-alike!
I mean, have you had a look at yourself recently?
I've seen wounds dressed better than you!
I'm not gonna have anyone
looking down on you!
You're as good as them
and I want them to see you are!
I appreciate that Del, and thank you,
but putting me in a pair of green wellies
will not turn me into the Arch-Duke Ferdinand!
I will be Rodney Trotter
in a pair of green wellies!
And that is another thing. They're having a shooting party.
I disagree with blood sports.
Do me a favour. You'll never hit
one of them grouse things, they're fast!
Tell 'em you've got a wart
on your trigger finger.
He ain't saying nothing about warts, Albert!
The old Duke would love that.
His only child marrying someone
covered in warts!
Don't you say nothing about warts, Rodney.
No problem, I assure you. I have to go, Sir Allen.
Something's just come in... I mean up! Goodbye.
Good afternoon gentlemen.
May I help you?
- Well, I do hope so. I want to buy some gear.
- I see. And what is sir's pleasure?
Well, birds and curry I suppose,
Still, I didn't come here for a chit chat.
I want you to tog him out for a weekend in the country.
Hacking jacket, stout brougues and all the X's.
I've got monkey there,
that should cover it!
Yes, yes of course.
If you'd like to come this way, sir.
Come on Rodney, let's sort this out.
He's got some very strange measurements!
Don't you worry Rodney, by the time he's finished
with you you'll look just like one of them!
That's what I'm frightened of!
Pull!
Good shot, your Grace.
I was rather pleased
with that myself, Patterson.
Pure luck Henry, pure luck!
Thank you Charles, I thought you'd clear up
the mystery. Let's see you do better.
Stand back old boy and watch
a real marksman!
Pull!
Good shot sir.
- Are you hungry?
- No, I'm fine, thank you.
- There's plenty to eat.
- Perhaps I'll have something in a moment. Thank you.
Well, what do you think of
it so far?
Very interesting.
I'm really enjoying myself, thank you.
- Rodney, you keep saying 'thank you'!
- Do I?
Yes, I just thought I'd mention it.
I hope you don't mind?
No. Thank you... Sorry!
Don't mention it!
Thank you... I said that one
on purpose though.
I know you did! Have you ever
used a double-barreled before?
No, I had an airgun when I was a kid.
- Would you like to try?
- No, you're alright, I'll just watch.
Come on, don't be such and
old stick in the mud!
Daddy, d'you have a gun
there for Rodney?
Yes of course, darling!
Patterson, let's have that Purdie there, will you?
Yes, your Grace.
Have you done this sort of
thing before Rodney?
No. I'll just watch if you like.
Nonsense! There's nothing to it.
This is how you load it, close the gun.
There's the safety catch.
You let that off, both triggers.
You keep that close in so it doesn't kick.
And then get the two barrels with both eyes open,
cover it and then fire. Alright?
- Thank you your Grace.
- Henry, please.
Henry. Thank you.
- Would you like these?
- Thank you.
What do I say to him?
Down! Put it down!
I'm sorry old boy, but when you have a gun
you never, never point at...
I just realised what I did!
I'm sorry.
Probably, my fault, I should have told you...
When you're ready just say 'pull!'
Right! Thank you...
Pull!
- Is he of a nervous disposition?
- Not as far as I know!
- Would you like me to take that for you, sir?
- What? Oh thank you.
- That was a jolly good try Rodney.
- Thank you.
- Are you alright?
- Yes, thank you.
You seem somewhat shocked!
It wasn't the gun was it?
- No, no, I'm fine.
- I'll get you a drink.
Come on, where are you?
I know you're out there somewhere,
you three wheeled yellow...
I'm sure it was there! I saw it!
Tally ho there Rodders!
Good morning. Tally ho there.
Couldn't have picked a better day there, could you?
Go away!
Hello again! I didn't
expec to see you here.
- I didn't expect to see me here!
- And I didn't expect to see me here either!
I was supposed to be down the Legion
playing in a crib championship .
'Stead of that he drags me all the way out
to bloody Berkshire!
Cheers darling, I needed that.
Let me explain what happened.
I was tidying up the flat,
and guess what I found in one of the wardrobes?
Only his evening suit!
I thought to myself he's left it behind,
he can't go to dinner dressed like that!
So I had no option
but to drive it down here.
I see! Well that was very nice of you.
Wasn't it, Rodney?
Yeah!
Daddy...
You bloody liar! I packed my evening suit!
I packed it myself, personally!
You couldn't have done, Rodney,
'cause how did it get back in the wardrobe?
- Because you took it out of my suitcase after I'd packed it!
- Now why would I do a thing like that?
So you could bloody well
get down here!
Daddy, this is Rodney's brother, Derek Trotter.
Derek, I'd like you to meet my father.
No introductions necessary.
I recognized your photograph from the Sporting Life.
How is Hamsome Samson?
as he got over that fetlock sprain yet?
Yes, he's doing very nicely, thank you.
And what about the Derby next year?
Will he be trying?
Trying? Mr Trotter it's the Derby.
Everyone will be trying!
Good. As long as I know
where to put me money, your Grace.
Victoria tells me you've driven all the way down
from London with Rodney's dinner jacket.
- That's jolly decent of you. You must be exhausted.
- I'm cream crackered your Grace!
Don't worry, I'll just mooch around here until I get
me strenth up for the journey back.
Yes, make yourself at home.
If you're around later,
I'm sure cook will provide you with something to eat.
Oh, stay for dinner? Par deteur!
And as luck would have it,
as I was getting Rodney's evening suit out of the wardrobe,
mine came along with it!
So I've got all me gear here!
Patterson. Will you set
another place at dinne tonight please?
- For this gentleman?
- Yes.
Of course your Grace.
Well that's very civil of you,
thank you very much!
Would you mind
if I had a pot-shot?
No of course not.
Patterson, a gun for Mr Trotter, please.
No need, Sir. I have brought my own weapon.
Albert, would you mind?
Albert, would you mind! Couldn't care
bloody less whether I minded or not!
Fight for your country, go down in shark-infested seas,
and what thanks do you get?
No thanks!
Even from your own relatives.
They turn you into a gun wallah!
- Here you are, and don't ask for nothing else.
- Thank you my good man, you may retire.
I thought I'd done that
bloody ages ago!
He's been with us for years!
It's bit like the income tax!
Would you like these sir?
No, I can't listen to music
when I'm shooting!
Ready when you are, John!
- Do you mean 'pull?'
- Sorry, Paul! In your own time, my son!
I'll be alright when I get my eye in!
- Where did you get that gun from?
- Iggy Higgins.
- Iggy Higgins? Iggy Higgins robs banks!
- I know! But it's Saturday!
Any smoked salmon sandwiches out pal?
Alright?
Look at that Rodney. What a sight!
Makes you proud to be British.
They know the difference between
cucumber sandwiches and an egg on toast, this lot.
Alright?
Splendid!
Derek, listen.
I was nervous enough about this weekend,
and that was without you being here!
But you arrived! And your presence alarms me!
What I'm trying to say is, behave yourself! Please.
I want you to know something.
No matter what happens tonight I'm doing it for you.
- What do you mean? What's gonna happen?
- Nothing, nothing!
- What are you gonna do for me?
- I'm just gonna help you make a good impression.
- I do not want to make a bloody impression!
- You will make an impression tonight.
You can cut that language out for a start!
The creme de la menthe
of British nobility down there.
Look at 'em, there's noone down there
lower than a Dowager!
What do you want them to think?
That we are just the hoi polloi?
We've gotta be on our bestest
behaviour tonight!
- So we are agreed on that then!
- Right...
Cor! Look at the lungs on that!
- Alright Henry?
- Good evening Trotter.
- Is that a Da Vinci?
- No, it's not a Da Vinci!
What a shame. 'Cause he's my most favourite artist.
Have you seen that cartoon of his! Laugh!
My old rib ached for days.
'Cause he did the old Mona Lisa and all you know.
- Really?
- She's the one with the energetic smile.
You can't tell whether she's just about to grin
or she's sucking a sweet.
- That is a Pissarro.
- Oh I don't know, I've seen worse.
It's by Camille Pissarro,
a 19th century impressionist!
What, like Mike Yarwood?
- Yes, just like Mike Yarwood.
- What, and he did a bit of painting an' all?
- Marvellous innit? You learn something new every day.
- Do you?
Keep your eyes on those peas, Shirley.
There you are Albert.
Thank you very much Mrs Miles.
I'll give you a word of warning.
- Don't give Mr Trotter any peas, they go everywhere.
- I'll tell Mr Patterson. Who are your people, Albert?
- They're not people, they're my nephews.
- So they're not of noble birth then?
Noble? Nearest them two have got to nobility
was their great Uncle Jack, he was a tobacco baron!
The noisy one's a fly-pitcher
and the young one's his apprentice.
So that's what you lot do then,
sell things on street corners?
Not me madam! I was a career man.
I was in the navy for 30 years, man and boy.
I've been round the world
more times than a satellite.
I fought in the battle of the Atlantic, battle of the Pacific,
Russian convoys, you name it, I was there!
I bet you could tell a tale
or two, eh Albert?
I never talk about it!
I understand. I expect it
brings back too many memories?
You're right! I remember once,
we was in the South China Sea.
We knew there were mines about...
That little fella out there is really
knocking back the champers!
He's had nearly three quarters of a bottle
to himself already.
He keeps talking about Leonardo Da Vinci,
it's like he knew him!
Tell Mr Patterson. He might be able to discreetly
suggest that the gentleman moderates his drinking.
- Anyway, as I was saying, I never talk about it.
- Never talk about what?
About my days in the navy,
all the battles end everything.
But on this particular day in the South China Sea,
the old captain came to us...
- Are we nearly ready to serve, Mrs Miles?
- Ready when you are Mr Patterson.
Good, I want to get Leonardo Da Vinci's
best friend sat down before he falls down.
- He's some relation of yours, isn't he?
- Who, Leonardo Da Vinci?
No, the gentleman outside who thinks
the stuffed olives are pickled grapes?
Yeah, yeah sort of.
Is he an ex-navy man as well, Albert?
Him? You must be joking. He thinks a clipper's
something you do your hair with!
No, I'm the only one in our family
who ever went to sea. I tell a lie.
My Grandmother's brother was safety officer
on the Titanic.
But I never talk about it.
Henry, who's that young chap
with Victoria?
He's just a friend. She met
at street market.
She's going through her 'working artist' stage
at the moment. Just like her mother, bless her.
It's just a phase. She's often bringing these colourful
characters down for the weekend.
Do you remember that chap who looked like a gypsy
who arrived with a bull-terrier and a stolen Escort?
Oh yes. He beat up Patterson in the library.
This chap, Roland, no Rodney,
he's an artist too.
And the other fella, his brother?
Yes, he appears to be the
biggest artist of them all!
- Henry, is that a Da Vinci?
- No.
- Nice, though.
- It's just a phase, as I say.
Patterson. Giss a little topperooni,
will you pal?
Would you leave that wine alone?
You ain?t in the Star of Bengal now!
What's wrong with you?
I'm jus enjoying myself, that's all.
I know. But when you enjoy yourself
nobody else does!
Trust me Rodney. We're reaching the point
in the evening when I'm going to project you.
I do not want to be projected, have you got that?
I want to stay extremely un-projected!
- Hold her hand.
- What?
- Hold her hand!
- Shut up!
- I think he's a little drunk.
- He's always been a little drunk!
- That was a blinding meal yer Ladyship, weren't it?
- Yes, excellent.
- What did you have? The pheasant?
- Yes, pheasant.
I had the quails, with peas and gravy.
- So you did! Tell me. It's Trotter, isn't it?
- Yes, that's right, but my friends call me Del.
I see. Tell me Trotter,
how do you come to know Henry?
His daughter Victoria, the pretty one there in the blue,
is getting engaged to my younger brother Rodney.
It's the ugly one there
in the white.
Engaged?
Keep it under your tiara,
we don't want the media to hear about this.
Remember what happened to Andrew and Fergie,
they couldn't even fart without being in a news flash.
There he is.
Good man.
You've drawn a blank there your Ladyship!
Nevermind.
I expect your carafe will be
coming along in a minute.
Here you come, slack 'em on if you like
while you're waiting.
I was in the liferaft about 20 yards from him.
The currant was so strong I couldn't reach him!
It was awful! That story will haunt me
to the day I die!
I know the feeling!
- That's how you can tell they're pukka crystal.
- Really? Thank you.
Pleasure.
I don't want to worry you Henry, but he actually
threw his banana skin in your Chein Lung jardiniere.
Good grief!
These are nice Victoria.
What are they, Ravenhead or something?
No it's Stonebridge Crystal.
It's been in the family for generations.
Put it down!
Look at that. Craftsmanship, that.
- Henry, this knife.
- No, it's not a Da Vinci!
- Sure it's silver though, I'd wager.
- Yes. They were made by William Cawdill in 1648.
They've come up well, ain't they?
Hear that tone? Makes you proud to be British, that.
Of course, me and Rodney are involved in cutlery.
It's canteens of cutlery, par excellence.
I've got some in the van. I can pop out
and get some for you if you like.
- Del. Just leave it.
- Alright. Don't worry, we'll pop out later, won't we?
- Which part of London are you from, Rodney?
- Peckham. Peckham, Peckham in London.
Really? Not too far from me,
I have a flat in Chelsea.
Rodney's taking me to Stamford Bridge
to see someone play soccer.
Oh you're one of the faithful!
I'm a blues fan myself. Have you taken a box?
He doesn't need a box,
he's tall enough to see, ain't he?
- No, I meant a private box in the new stand!
- No, I'm usually in the Shed.
Yes, I've often seen the chaps in the Shed.
Looks great fun! I'm a great Dixon fan.
- Which Dixon is that?
- Dixon of Chelsea!
Him? I'd rather play Dixon of Dock Green!
He can't dribble like Jimmy Greaves could!
Well maybe not, but he's still a fine player.
I mean, he's good in the air!
So was Biggles!
Rodney, he had a great
future as an athlete.
That's jolly interesting,
Rodney. Which area of athletics?
All sorts, weren't it, Rodney? Running and jumping
over things, chucking things about, all sorts!
The headmaster at his university wanted him
to go in the Olympics. But he said no!
'Cause he waned to concentrate on his business.
'Cause that is where his true talent lies.
I mean, he's a future whiz-kid.
He's got two GCEs.
This time next year he's gonna be a millionaire.
That's very nice to hear.
Which university were you at?
It wasn't actually a university.
Rodney was at an art college,
Daddy. In Basingstoke.
I've heard very good things about it.
- How long were you there old chap?
- Three weeks.
- Three weeks?
- I left for personal reasons.
It weren't his fault.
No, it's important that these
good people know the whole truth!
They weren't his drugs
what he was found in possession of!
They belonged to this Chinese tart!
The story is, you see, that he went down
to her room to borrow a box of chalks.
She said 'Come in Rodney
and have a puff of this'.
And before you know what happened
the old SGB burst in.
and he was caught bang to rights
with a reefer ala dente!
He was two or three miles away in black Maria
before he even said 'man'!
I just wanted you all to know about this drugs conviction
just in case it's ever brought up by the gutter press,
I want you to know
that he was done up like a kipper.
Anyway, let's liven the procedings up a bit!
Little recitation entitled,
'Don't worry mother your son will soon be back,
he's sailing round the world
in a Grimsby fishing smack'!
Listen. I'll tell you...
You'll like this one.
The boy stood on the burning deck,
the water shone like glass.
A burning ember flew down his neck,
and burnt him on the ankle!
You all thought I was gonna say arse,
didn't you?
That's the joke, you see!
Did you hear the one about the Irish bloke
on a skiing holiday?
There was this Irish bloke, he won a holiday
in a contest of some sort, to go skiing.
You'll love this.
This is a killer!
Trotter! I want a word with you!
Outside, now!
Alright Henry.
See you later.
I will clench the deal.
Now listen to me, Trotter.
- Are you still staying overnight? Or... or not?
- No, I best go off home, eh?
Fine... it was...
Yes.
I want you and all your kith and kin
out of my house and off my land now!
- You don't you wanna talk about the arrangements first?
- Arrangements? What arrangements?
For Victoria and Rodney's wedding!
Wedding?
What do you mean, wedding?
Don't tell me that noone's told you.
I hope I haven't spoilt a wonderful surprise!
- A wonderful surprise? For whom?
- Well, for you!
I thought we might make the announcements in The Times,
the Country Life and the Peckham Echo.
What do you think?
I do not believe what I'm hearing!
My daughter is marrying no one!
In two months time she is going to America.
She's doing a year's course
at the New York School of Art!
They'll probably take that in on their honeymoon!
Two months? We have book the old cathedral a bit lively!
The only thing you'll be booking is a bed
in intensive care!
Your brother is not, I repeat,
not marrying my daughter.
Just a minute Henry. We're not just a couple of yippidy yoys.
We know how to conduct ourselves.
In fact, there is a rumour going round that we are related
to the Surrey Trotters!
I don't care if you're related to the Surrey Trotters,
the Berkshire Trotters or the Harlem bloody Globe Trotters!
I want that young man out of my daughter's life!
Well I don't know how you're gonna do that!
Because that Victoria seems pretty stuck on him.
Well I'll find a way of unsticking her,
have no fear of that!
Well it's not gonna be easy.
Cause I know Rodney, and I know him only too well.
I can't think of anything
that would make him leave her...
- Well, when I say anything... Well there's one thing.
- And what's that?
Why don't we go into your study
and discuss it over a glass of brandy?
Come on. In here.
Come on.
- What is that one?
- That's a bloody Da Vinci.
Rodney, I was trying to make an impression.
Oh, you made an impression, Del!
It was similar to the impression
the Americans made at Nagasaki!
Why don't you just stay out of my life? For as long
as I can remember it's always been the same.
It's just you sticking your oar in!
What about that time I joined the army cadets.
Then you discovered the boy I shared a tent with
had a relative who was a big noise in show-business.
That was the end of my military career weren't it?
I was now gonna be a child-star!
So I was demobbed and straight into a tap-dancing
school before I could say, 'Who goes there?'
And that was just an embarrassment as well,
just like tonight.
I was the only kid in that school
who never had a proper set of tap-dancing shoes.
Only because your army
boots made more noise!
They made more noise alright! I used to make
'Zippidy Doo Dah' sound like the advance on Leningrad!
You see, you had to interfere! And now
you've interfered between me and Vicky.
You humiliated and destroyed me
in front of all them people.
And you've ruined my opportunity of sharing
a warm and friendly relationship with somebody I respected.
And on top of all that Del.
On top of all that, I think I've broken my hand.
- Let's have a look at it then!
- Get away from me! Leave me alone.
You even went and told the joke about
the Irish bloke on a skiing holiday, didn't ya?
But you know what the most painful incident
of the entire evening was?
His Grace called me
into his study for a little chat.
He said he wanted me to stop seeing Victoria.
He wanted me out of her life - now, and for good!
- He even offered me money!
- No!
You can imagine how I felt
can't you?
Horrible Rodney, must have felt really horrible!
I'd have told him what he could do with his money.
- I did son!
- Good boy!
What? You said nito to a grand?
Yes I did! I still have some of my self-esteem
left intact!
How did you know he offered
me a grand?
How did you know he offered
me a 1,000 pounds?
Well, that's about the going rate
to get a plonker out of your daughter's life!
- You arranged it didn't you?
- No, no, I didn't actually arrange it!
Look, them sort of people
they are looked after by the Special Branch and MI6.
Don't you think, when they run your name
through their computer and found out you got a conviction,
if you refused to get out of Vicky's life
they would have sent a hit team.
You'd have been brown bread, brother.
I thought meself, a grand on the hip is worth more
than a poisoned umbrella up your jacksey!
- But you turned it down, didn't you? You dipstick.
- Yes I did!
Del, I refuse to become a lot number
in one of your auctions.
But you can't understand that,
can you?
You just can't understand.
Of course I can understand, Rodney.
Look, I'm sorry I hurt you, Rodney.
Come on, don't hate me.
Please brother!
I don't hate you.
I don't bloody like you.
Well, that'll do me, Rodney.
Put it there.
Now, what are you?
What are you? Eh?
Subtitles by
NVL
I mean, that's the Titmus test innit, the quality?
These are and-made
from Indonesian steel.
They've got an ivory-effect handle and they come
in a genuine synthetic-leather look alike case.
Now these canteens of cutlery
are a very exclusive line.
You can only buy these
in Harrods, Libertys and Pate's Multi-Mart!
Take a look at that. Take a look, cause
what can't speak, can't lie.
Alright darling, put your binoculars away,
cause I can tell you exactly what it says.
A Manufacturers
recommended retail price, ?42.99.
You could have printed them
yourself!
I said, you could have printed them
yourself.
Do me a favour pal!
Do I look like Rupert Maxwell?
There are two Ms in
'recommend!'
That is because they're printed in Indonesia.
That is the Indonesian spelling,
they can't spell out there, can they,
you plonker?
I'm not gonna ask you for ?42.99.
I wouldn't dream of it. I ain't come here to stripe you off.
I'm not even gonna ask you for a score.
If I said to you 'give me a tenner'
you'd think you were on a right result.
But I'm not gonna ask you
for a tenner!
Before I tell how much I want
for this wonderful canteen cutlery,
I want anyone with a nervous disposition,
anyone with a weak heart to move along please
because I do not wanna be held responsible,
as I'm only insured for third party fire and theft.
A 36 piece canteen set of cutlery, made in Indonesia,
hand made, genuine synthetic leather case
manufacturer's recommended retail price ?42.99
yours for, first come, first served, ?3.50!
Do me a favour. Take it away from me
before it hurts.
- What d'you want, jam on it?
- They can't be top quality, they're too cheap!
How can anything be too cheap, you plonker?
- Listen, I'm not a plonker!
- No? So what you doing, an impression?
- You'll not get another bargain like this again.
- I bet we don't get any guarantees with 'em!
Yes you do, you do get a guarantee.
I guarantee you get a smack in the mooey in a minute,
old cocker
if you don't move your noise somewhere else
for a month or two.
- Hello.
- Hi. Your first day in the market?
- Hmm, first day.
- Thought I hadn't see you here before.
- Is this all your own work?
- I'm afraid so!
Oh no, no! It's really good.
D'you really think so?
Oh that's awfully sweet of you.
I'm an artist. I went away
to college, for a while.
Really? I was at the Milan School of Art for two years,
then I had a spell at the Sorbonne. Where were you?
- Basingstoke.
- Basingstoke? I don't think I've heard of it?
It's a big town in Hampshire!
I meant that I hadn't heard of
the Basingstoke College of Art.
Oh it's quite famous!
Well, in Basingstoke, you know.
By the way, my name's Rodney.
Victoria. Well, Vicky.
Come along now ladies,
make the neighbours jealous.
Only the finest steel goes into
the making of this premier cutlery
producing the finest cutting edge
you've ever experienced.
Yeah, but how do we know that?
Run your wrist gently down the blade,
and you'll find out!
Alright Del Boy?
I'd rather have shingles
than these knives and forks.
At least you can get rid of shingles!
How's things with you, Trig?
- Known it worse!
- Have you? I haven't.
Alright, listen to me. I'll let you have them at cost.
That's three quid a box.
- Now come on, you know it makes sense!
- Three quid? Here, I'll have one of them Del!
- What d'you mean, you'll have one of them?
- Well at three pounds they're a bargain!
Trigger, those are the ones
that you sold me last week for a nicker each!
No, they ain't the same.
Mine didn't have them on.
I don't believe him! Alright Trig, you stay here.
I'm gonna go and give Miss Dianna a bell!
Alright. Come on, listen.
I gotta get rid of this stuff.
Quick. Away you go. Everyone, before you get
your collars felt! Go on, away you go.
Look at that stupid little
dipstick!
I'm surrounded!
Now I know how General Custer felt!
Listen, just do exactly as I say.
- You are looking for the Hilton Hotel?
- Si! Heelton Hotel!
Turn left at the top
of the road.
- Si!
- And you'll see a bus stop! Big red bus!
Take the 159 to Park Lane and
that is where the Hilton Hotel is!
Si! Danke schon. Bonsoir.
Don't get many tourists
round this way, eh officer?
No. Especially tourists that speak
three different languages - all at once!
- How much is that one?
- That's 50 pounds.
- And what about the one next to it?
- That's 85.
D'you mind if I give
you a bit of advice Vicky?
See, people round here
don't pay eighty ?85 for a painting!
People round here don't pay
85 pounds for a car!
But surely, everybody has
paintings in their homes!
Yeah, but they don't get them
from galleries and what have you.
They get 'em from British Home Stores
and Prize Bingo!
I reckon you've picked the wrong market here.
You might go down and have a crack at Portobello Road,
you might be in with a shout then.
Perhaps you're right.
Oh well, nothing ventured.
Would you be an absolute love and help me
take this stuff back to my car?
I'd like to, but I'm a bit busy
with my...
He must have sold in early
and gone for something to eat.
- Well in that case, I'm at your service Miss.
- That's awfully sweet of you. I'm sorry, I don't...
Rodney.
Wotchyer Dave.
- No. My name is Rodney, he's just very thick!
- I see.
What line of business are
you in, Rodney?
I am a partner in a... in a partnership.
Me and my brother. We buy and sell, this and that.
- Do you specialise?
- No.
I envy you. It must be wonderful to work
in the market every day.
I find it very stimulating. It's all the hustle and bustle,
and the lovely, lovely characters one sees.
Of course I know they're not all lovely! Did you spot
that noisy little person selling the tatty cutlery?
That's my brother!
Oh! I'm frightfully sorry!
When I said that he's noisy...
No you're right. He is noisy!
He's always been noisy!
But he's as good as gold really.
I sort of, look after him.
- I see. I haven't got any brothers or sisters.
- D'you want him?
No thank you.
Well, here's the old crate.
- Nice car!
- I got it for a birthday present.
I got a Nick Kershaw LP!
Right, I'm off for something to eat.
I'll see you around then Vicky.
Where do you lunch?
- Lunch? I usually go down to the Fatty Thumb.
- The Fatty Thumb?
It's Sid's caff really, but we call it
the Fatty Thumb. Just out of affection.
- May I join you?
- You? In the Fatty Thumb?
Oh, I don't think you'd like it Victoria!
It's all steam and bacteria - it's horrible!
I get the feeling that you're an inverted snob.
Come on, jump in. I'll chauffer you down there.
You won't like it Victoria!
I don't like it and I'm a regular!
Look, there's a McDonalds round the corner!
Eggs and chips. Eggs, sausage and chips.
Eggs, sausage, beans and chips.
Pie and chips! Pie, chips and peas!
The egg, bubble and beans twice.
There you go Rodney.
Don't forget your tea, son.
Two of dripping toast!
Bacon and egg and a slice!
- Here we go then, Vicky.
- I think it's absolutely lovely in here.
- It's good innit?
- Is this the bubble and squeak?
- Yeah, that's the bubble.
- What is it actually?
It's sort of greens and potatoes,
and then you mix it all up and fry it.
It's absolutely munchy!
This machine's broke again Sid!
If you don't keep tilting the sodding thing
it wouldn't break, would it?
So you're not from round
Peckham way then?
No, I was born and raised in Berkshire.
I've been in London for about three months now.
Have you always lived round here?
Yeah, always.
I've been wanting to live in London for ages.
Berkshire's so boring. Boring Berkshire I call it.
I wanted to be near the art galleries.
I suppose you're always in them?
Well not always. I did actually go up
to the National Gallery a couple of weeks back.
I suddenly realised,
and I'm ashamed to admit it
but in all the years it's been housed there
I'd never actually seen the Da Vinci cartoon.
Well I'm ashamed to admit it but I haven't seen it either.
What did you think of it?
Well they were shut.
But I'm going back.
- Why don't we go together?
- Yeah, cushty!
- Cushty?
- It means wonderful, t'riffic.
Oh I see, how frightfully Albert Square!
So shall we say tomorrow at noon?
Tomorrow? I don't know if
I'll be able to get time off work.
I thought you said you were
a partner?
Yeah, I am a partner but...
Yeah, alright then, I'll give myself the day off!
Tomorrow at noon then.
Cushty!
Do you like opera Rodney?
Of course you do, I can tell!
There's a gala performance of Carmen on
at the Theatre Drury Lane next week.
I've tried everywhere to get tickets
but it's absolutely impossible!
Impossible, I know.
I've tried and all.
I hope you don't mind me saying this,
but I didn't really think Peckham would be your scene!
Oh no, I absolutely adore this area.
It's all so rough and raw and vibrant!
I saw a woman spit yesterday!
You see, I was brought up in this tiny community
in the wilds of boring Berkshire.
My world was one of nannies
and live-in tutors and gymkhanas and village fetes.
The first time I left there was when I was eleven,
and that was only to Roedean.
Then I went off to a Swiss finishing school.
Mine was a very insular existence.
I didn't even realise there was a real world,
until I decided to make art my life.
I suppose that's why I like it round here,
it must be the artist in me.
My mother was a painter. She had some work
exhibited at the Royal Academy.
No? Oh Mega! The Royal Academy!
Does she still paint?
- No.
- Have I said something wrong?
No. You see she died when I was 12.
Skiing accident in Austria.
I'm really sorry Vicky!
I know how much it must have hurt you!
I don't think so Rodney.
I do. See, the same thing
happened to me when I was only 5.
Poor Rodney, how absolutely awful
for you.
Where was your mother skiing?
No, my mum weren't skiing!
According to what the rest of the family
tell me, my mum didn't do a lot of skiing!
She just had something wrong with her,
that's all.
Oh I see... Sorry!
Lord, look at the time!
I must dash, otherwise they start worrying.
- Who do?
- Special Branch.
Special Branch?
It's all incredibly tedious!
They have to protect us. Well, Daddy mainly.
Why, what is he, a super-grass?
No! Silly! He's... oh it's terribly boring!
He is the Duke of Maylebury.
- The Duke of Maylebury?
- Yes, I said it was terribly boring.
Look, I must dash. See you
tomorrow at the National?
- Yeah!
- Cushty! Ciao!
I don't know why you
couldn't of left it till tomorrow!
Leave it out, will you Albert? You've done more
whining than a bleeding spin-dryer!
Rodney's back Del Boy,
someone must have paid the ransom!
And where have you been?
- I went down the library.
- What for?
See if me shoes was done! What d'you think
I went to the library for? I went to get a book!
Burke's?
Teach-yourself book, is it?
It is a genealogical and
heraldic history of British peers!
I don't believe it! While I've been down the market
getting the tag from the local gendarmery...
this dipstick's been sitting here
reading a book about Jetis.
I'll tell you this much Rodney.
You ain't gonna get no wages on the end of the week!
Come on Del. That brird I was talking to in the market
I said I'd take her out tomorrow and I'm potless.
- That's your problem, innit?
- Thanks a bunch.
That's gonna be right embarrassing, especially with her
coming from a money background.
Yeah, I know, it's a tough old world...
What d'you mean, a money background?
- Her old man's very wealthy.
- What his game?
I've gotta tell someone, Del.
But you've gotta promise me this will go no further?
Of course not, just between us.
Have you ever heard of the
Duke of Maylebury?
- The Duke of...! Leave it out, you twonk!
- It is God's honest truth, Del!
Del, cross my heart and hope to die
in a cellar full of rats!
What d'you mean, that little girl...?
Her Daddy...?
- Honest, it's for real!
- Bloody hell!
- But it's gotta be our little secret though.
- Yeah, course it is!
Did you hear that, Albert?
You know that little sort
thatRodney's chatting up down the market?
- What about her?
- Her father, only owns a pub!
Go'n, you're pulling my leg!
Straight up! He is the Duke of Maylebury.
It's over Nunhead Way, innit Rodney?
No! No listen! He don't own the Duke of Maylebury!
He is the Duke of Maylebury!
He's nobility!
He's a peer of the realm!
Leave it out Rodders! I've seen a picture
of the real Duke of Maylebury in the Sporting Life.
He owns that horse, Hansome Samson,
second favourite for the Derby next year.
And that little girl, she don't look nothing like him!
She looks like the horse, maybe. Not him.
She's no more nobility than you are!
No? Have a look at that then!
I don't believe it! It's her!
That's the girl from the market!
Which one?
The one without the top hat on. She's standing here
next to Princess Anne at a rodeo or something!
They're in here and all.
Her father is a sort of second cousin to the Queen!
Vicky's in here and all.
Here you are. Her proper title is
'Lady Victoria Marsh Hales'.
Of child of Sir Henry Marsham,
K.B.E. N.V.O.M.C. and Bar.
14th Duke of Maylebury! Family home
Covington House, Upper Stanameer, Berkshire.
- You ain't had a go at her, have you?
- No, I ain't!
Well, you keep your mucky mitts off her!
Otherwise we'll have her mother round here t
hrowing royal perogatives all over the shop!
I doubt it, her mother died
in a skiing accident about nine years ago.
Alright then, answer me this. If she is a titled lady,
what's she going out with him for?
- He's giving me the right hump, Del.
- It's alright Rodders.
Listen Albert,
Rodney has got some very nice qualities.
She might have been smitten
by his rakish charms and boyish good looks!
On the other hand, she could be
a posh tart fancying a bit of scrag!
You never can tell.
Wait a minute! I got it now! Got it!
I think I know what this is all about!
Listen. It is a well known fact that
every three or four hundred years
the old aristocracy have got to bring a bit
of common stock to water the old blue blood down a bit.
What, and they can't do better than that?
Do me a favour!
I'm gonna crack him
round the head in a minute!
I bet you any money that her old man
has told her to find herself a husband.
And Rodney's in the frame!
Rodney, ask her to marry you!
I don't wanna get married!
Listen to me you dipstick!
Just think about it for a minute, will ya?
Think of all the advantages.
That Vicky is the sole heiress
to the Maylebury fortunes!
She's got no brothers or sisters and the old gel
popped her clogs half way down the giant slalom!
So when the old duke finally says
bonsoir to this mortal curl,
she will become the Duchess!
And you know what that means.
What?
I want you to remember this moment.
We could be looking at the future Duke of Maylebury!
He don't look like a peer of the realm!
Not at the moment.
But stick a coronet on his head,
bit of ermine,
get rid of them boots and he's a dead ringer!
- I don't want to be a Duke!
- Don't give me all that Tony Benn cobblers!
Think of all the advantages!
You'll be sitting in the House of Lords!
Yeah... we can watch you
on the telly having a kip.
Look, me and Vicky are more mates than anything else!
We have one mutual interest - art!
Other than that we're worlds apart! I mean,
she wants us to go to places like.. well, the opera.
- Why, what's on?
- An opera!
- I mean what opera?
- I don't know! Carmen or something, it's a gala performance.
- Why don't you take her then?
- How do I do that? I don't know the first thing about operas.
And besides, it's impossible
to get tickets, innit?
If you want tickets
you shall have tickets, Cinders.
- How?
- How? From Limpy Lionel the ticket tout!
- He can get tickets for anything!
- Gonna cost, Del.
What does money matter compared
with little Rodney's happiness?
I still don't understand how you managed it!
Even Daddy couldn't get tickets for
the tonight, and he tried everywhere!
Oh, it was nothing really!
I have let's just say - contacts!
- But they must have cost the earth!
- I didn't ask - I just told my man, 'Get them!'
I hope they're not forgeries!
- Good Evening Lady Victoria.
- Hello.
Thank you, sir.
- Thank you sir, have a nice evening.
- What?
- I said, have a nice evening sir.
- Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Are you alright?
- I'm fine! I'll get us a programme, shall I?.
Two programmes please.
That's 8 pounds, sir.
- No, two programmes!
- They're 4 pounds each, sir.
Rodney. I know you'll think
I'm a frightful old bore,
but you know you've invited me
to a soccer match on Saturday?
- Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel.
- Oh! Well, that's no problem Vicky.
I must go home you see, Daddy's invited
a few friends down to the estate for the weekend
a shoot and then dinner. I simply have to be there,
I'm the lady of the house these days.
No, that's alright. I understand.
- Would you like to join us, as my guest?
- Oh, em... well...
You could stay overnight and then on Sunday
I'll take you for a wonderful lunch at our little local.
- Yes! Thank you Vicky, I'd love to!
- Oh, that's super!
- Can I get you a drink?
- A very dry white wine and soda please.
Right. It won't be a minute.
Could I have two very dry
white wines and sodas please?
Alright bruv? I was getting a bit worried,
the old time was creeping on!
Alright darling? They reckon
it's a good 'un tonight!
Oi John, when you've finished yer dinner break,
can we have some service up here?
He is already serving me!
Cubra libre, in there for moi, alright?
Del, what the bloody hell are
you doing here?
Oh that's charming, after all I've done for you!
There were four tickets up for grabs!
And you know me, I love a bit of opera!
You? The only opera you've ever seen
was Tommy, and that was on video!
You ain't ever been to an opera in your life!
I've never milked a cow in me life
but I still like a bit of cheese!
- Victoria, this is my brother Derek.
- Hello. How nice to meet you.
And you. And may I say Victoria
how particularly lovely that you are looking tonight.
Thank you. I didn't realise
you were going to be joining us.
- Yes, there were 4 tickets available, you see.
- And I bought 'em all!
Yes, and Rodney bought them all!
That's him, he's generous to a fault!
- I don't believe it!
- What don't you believe?
This is the Theatre Royal Druery Lane
and someone's ordered a kissogram!
Never! Where?
- You saucy git... That's my bird!
- It ain't! Del, it ain't!
It's Junie! You know June!
She lives over in Zimbabwe House!
- Del, I used to go out with her daughter.
- Don't worry. She won't say a word.
I weren't sure where you'd got to!
Them karseys ain't half posh.
Yes, you only go to the best
places with me, sweetheart!
Allow me to introduce you.
Lady Victoria, I want you to meet June Snell.
- Good evening, June.
- Hello, you alright?
- Lady Victoria! Remember?
- Oh yeah!
It's a great pleasure to meet you, m'am.
Oh no, please, it really isn't necessary.
Please Victoria. June likes to keep herself
in perspective, don't you girl?
- Yeah, I think it's best!
- Of course you know Rodney, don't ya?
- Wotchyer.
- He used to go out with my daughter Debby!
- She's living with a Cypriot geezer now!
- T'riffic!
So you're an opera buff as
well, are you June?
I saw one once on BBC2.
Our telly had gone up the wall and
that was the only channel we could get.
You came round that night Del, remember?
Well you'd just delivered the telly, hadn't you?
Just needed a little bit of adjustment, that's all.
It was that world famous
foreign bloke singing, weren't there?
Yes. Wonderful voice!
Oh yes, very talented.
Great big fat git, weren't he?
Couldn't half put a song across though,
could he?
Of course, this is my most
favourite opera, Carmen.
- Figaro, Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro!
- That?s from The Barber of Seville.
It isn't from Carmen,
it's from The Barber of Seville.
That's right actually,
it is definitely The Barber of Seville.
Of course it is! Of course it is!
I don't know what's the matter with me.
I always get those two mixed up,
The Barber of Seville and Carmen.
Well, Carmen is a hairdryer innit?
Yeah, well, of course it is.
Blimey, he's rung that one
early, ain't he?
We got time for another one, haven't we?
So it's white wine and soda. June?
Benedictine and lemonade.
Excuse me. The bell is simple to tell the audience
that the performance is about to begin.
Yes, we knew that!
Yeah, we knew that, we just thought
there might be time for a quick one!
I don't think so.
I really think we ought to be taking our seats.
- May I?
- Thank you.
Alright, come on.
- How come she's got a programme and I ain't?
- She can read!
- It's a blinding opera innit?
- It's alright I suppose. It don't get going, does it?
It's not s'pposed to get going!
It's culture!
You don't come to an opera to enjoy it,
you come because it's there!
I didn't know that!
I like Vince Hill!
I like Vince Hill.
He's almost culture. Not quite, but almost.
What's that about?
I don't know. Maybe there's someone
talking somewhere.
Yeah, maybe. Some people have got
no protocol, have they?
I've got a few liquorice allsorts left.
You got one with the hundreds
and thousands on it?
Only one.
Let's have a look.
- Rodney.
- What?
- D'you want a liquorice allsort?
- Is he having a pop at me, or what?
- No, he ain't! Be quiet.
- D'you want a liquorice all-sort?
- No thank you.
There's only a couple left,
might as well finish 'em off.
- What?
- Wanna crisp?
- Don't you shush me, pal!
- Del, please!
- Vicky...
- Yes?
- Fancy a crisp?
- No thank you.
Put your arm round her shoulder.
- Put your arm round her.
- I don't bel... Del, this is not the Odeon!
- Sorry.
- Don't you 'sorry' him!
You just keep on pal, see what you get!
- You've had all of them!
- No I ain't, you had some!
- Where's Del?
- He's gone out to the ice-cream lady.
- Will you please be quiet?
- I can't find my place! Rodney!
We're over here, Del!
Thank you. Excuse me.
- Was that your foot?
- Yes.
For God's sake, how long do we have
to put up with this?
I didn't know there was an
carton on the floor!
What d'you drop it on the
floor for?
Well how was I to know you
were gonna tread on it?
Are you going to continue making this noise
throughout the entire performance?
I don't know, I might let
you off for the second half!
- Del, will you please just sit down?
- I am trying to listen!
- Well shut up then!
- Will you please be quiet?
I shall down there and smack you
in the eye in a minute John.
- Just take it easy.
- Well he's giving me the right hump Rodney!
- D'you want ice cream?
- No!
- But I bought you one.
- I don't want it!
- D'you want an ice cream?
- No thank you, I don't eat ice-cream.
- But I bought it for you.
- She don't eat ice-cream!
I've never ever liked ice cream.
What am I supposed to do with these two?
You can stick 'em where the sun don't shine
as far as I'm concerned, as long as you shut up!
Well thank you, bruv!
Thank you very much.
I love this one!
Rodney, I'm whistling!
I am sorry! I am so, so sorry!
It wasn't your fault Rodney! I'm not blaming you
and you shouldn't blame yourself!
I know, but... Oh God!
A breath of fresh air, madam,
you'll feel as right as rain.
Thank you very much, doctor.
Well, the Phantom of the Opera strikes again!
Still, I don't suppose it's the first time
someone's been sick in there, eh Victoria?
I honestly don't know,
I haven't read the full history of the building.
- D'you fancy a bite to eat?
- No!
I'm really not very hungry.
- Is everything alright Miss Victoria?
- Not really Eric, but not to worry.
You just behave yourself
if you're seeing her back to her flat tonight.
And what exactly is that
supposed to mean?
Listen to me Rodney. The last thing we need
at this delicate stage of development,
is for you to go tubbing her!
Especially after we've made
such a good impression tonight.
A good impression?
We was doing alright up
until June's psychedelic yodel!
Just get away from me Del, will you?
Just leave me alone!
Come on June, let's get you back home.
I'm sorry about tonight Del Boy.
I don't know what come over me!
Nor did that woman in front of you!
I mean you've only got yourself to blame, June.
After what you've been shoving down
your gullet tonight.
I mean, Benedictines and lemonade...
Is this the shop you was on about?
Del, when you said let's go and get
some clothes for my weekend
I thought you meant we'd pop down to Sol bros.
in Balham for a hairy shirt or something!
I didn't realise I'd have to get dressed up
like a free-range wally!
Listen to me Rodney. I'm not having you going down
to Covington House decked out like a Bob Geldof look-alike!
I mean, have you had a look at yourself recently?
I've seen wounds dressed better than you!
I'm not gonna have anyone
looking down on you!
You're as good as them
and I want them to see you are!
I appreciate that Del, and thank you,
but putting me in a pair of green wellies
will not turn me into the Arch-Duke Ferdinand!
I will be Rodney Trotter
in a pair of green wellies!
And that is another thing. They're having a shooting party.
I disagree with blood sports.
Do me a favour. You'll never hit
one of them grouse things, they're fast!
Tell 'em you've got a wart
on your trigger finger.
He ain't saying nothing about warts, Albert!
The old Duke would love that.
His only child marrying someone
covered in warts!
Don't you say nothing about warts, Rodney.
No problem, I assure you. I have to go, Sir Allen.
Something's just come in... I mean up! Goodbye.
Good afternoon gentlemen.
May I help you?
- Well, I do hope so. I want to buy some gear.
- I see. And what is sir's pleasure?
Well, birds and curry I suppose,
Still, I didn't come here for a chit chat.
I want you to tog him out for a weekend in the country.
Hacking jacket, stout brougues and all the X's.
I've got monkey there,
that should cover it!
Yes, yes of course.
If you'd like to come this way, sir.
Come on Rodney, let's sort this out.
He's got some very strange measurements!
Don't you worry Rodney, by the time he's finished
with you you'll look just like one of them!
That's what I'm frightened of!
Pull!
Good shot, your Grace.
I was rather pleased
with that myself, Patterson.
Pure luck Henry, pure luck!
Thank you Charles, I thought you'd clear up
the mystery. Let's see you do better.
Stand back old boy and watch
a real marksman!
Pull!
Good shot sir.
- Are you hungry?
- No, I'm fine, thank you.
- There's plenty to eat.
- Perhaps I'll have something in a moment. Thank you.
Well, what do you think of
it so far?
Very interesting.
I'm really enjoying myself, thank you.
- Rodney, you keep saying 'thank you'!
- Do I?
Yes, I just thought I'd mention it.
I hope you don't mind?
No. Thank you... Sorry!
Don't mention it!
Thank you... I said that one
on purpose though.
I know you did! Have you ever
used a double-barreled before?
No, I had an airgun when I was a kid.
- Would you like to try?
- No, you're alright, I'll just watch.
Come on, don't be such and
old stick in the mud!
Daddy, d'you have a gun
there for Rodney?
Yes of course, darling!
Patterson, let's have that Purdie there, will you?
Yes, your Grace.
Have you done this sort of
thing before Rodney?
No. I'll just watch if you like.
Nonsense! There's nothing to it.
This is how you load it, close the gun.
There's the safety catch.
You let that off, both triggers.
You keep that close in so it doesn't kick.
And then get the two barrels with both eyes open,
cover it and then fire. Alright?
- Thank you your Grace.
- Henry, please.
Henry. Thank you.
- Would you like these?
- Thank you.
What do I say to him?
Down! Put it down!
I'm sorry old boy, but when you have a gun
you never, never point at...
I just realised what I did!
I'm sorry.
Probably, my fault, I should have told you...
When you're ready just say 'pull!'
Right! Thank you...
Pull!
- Is he of a nervous disposition?
- Not as far as I know!
- Would you like me to take that for you, sir?
- What? Oh thank you.
- That was a jolly good try Rodney.
- Thank you.
- Are you alright?
- Yes, thank you.
You seem somewhat shocked!
It wasn't the gun was it?
- No, no, I'm fine.
- I'll get you a drink.
Come on, where are you?
I know you're out there somewhere,
you three wheeled yellow...
I'm sure it was there! I saw it!
Tally ho there Rodders!
Good morning. Tally ho there.
Couldn't have picked a better day there, could you?
Go away!
Hello again! I didn't
expec to see you here.
- I didn't expect to see me here!
- And I didn't expect to see me here either!
I was supposed to be down the Legion
playing in a crib championship .
'Stead of that he drags me all the way out
to bloody Berkshire!
Cheers darling, I needed that.
Let me explain what happened.
I was tidying up the flat,
and guess what I found in one of the wardrobes?
Only his evening suit!
I thought to myself he's left it behind,
he can't go to dinner dressed like that!
So I had no option
but to drive it down here.
I see! Well that was very nice of you.
Wasn't it, Rodney?
Yeah!
Daddy...
You bloody liar! I packed my evening suit!
I packed it myself, personally!
You couldn't have done, Rodney,
'cause how did it get back in the wardrobe?
- Because you took it out of my suitcase after I'd packed it!
- Now why would I do a thing like that?
So you could bloody well
get down here!
Daddy, this is Rodney's brother, Derek Trotter.
Derek, I'd like you to meet my father.
No introductions necessary.
I recognized your photograph from the Sporting Life.
How is Hamsome Samson?
as he got over that fetlock sprain yet?
Yes, he's doing very nicely, thank you.
And what about the Derby next year?
Will he be trying?
Trying? Mr Trotter it's the Derby.
Everyone will be trying!
Good. As long as I know
where to put me money, your Grace.
Victoria tells me you've driven all the way down
from London with Rodney's dinner jacket.
- That's jolly decent of you. You must be exhausted.
- I'm cream crackered your Grace!
Don't worry, I'll just mooch around here until I get
me strenth up for the journey back.
Yes, make yourself at home.
If you're around later,
I'm sure cook will provide you with something to eat.
Oh, stay for dinner? Par deteur!
And as luck would have it,
as I was getting Rodney's evening suit out of the wardrobe,
mine came along with it!
So I've got all me gear here!
Patterson. Will you set
another place at dinne tonight please?
- For this gentleman?
- Yes.
Of course your Grace.
Well that's very civil of you,
thank you very much!
Would you mind
if I had a pot-shot?
No of course not.
Patterson, a gun for Mr Trotter, please.
No need, Sir. I have brought my own weapon.
Albert, would you mind?
Albert, would you mind! Couldn't care
bloody less whether I minded or not!
Fight for your country, go down in shark-infested seas,
and what thanks do you get?
No thanks!
Even from your own relatives.
They turn you into a gun wallah!
- Here you are, and don't ask for nothing else.
- Thank you my good man, you may retire.
I thought I'd done that
bloody ages ago!
He's been with us for years!
It's bit like the income tax!
Would you like these sir?
No, I can't listen to music
when I'm shooting!
Ready when you are, John!
- Do you mean 'pull?'
- Sorry, Paul! In your own time, my son!
I'll be alright when I get my eye in!
- Where did you get that gun from?
- Iggy Higgins.
- Iggy Higgins? Iggy Higgins robs banks!
- I know! But it's Saturday!
Any smoked salmon sandwiches out pal?
Alright?
Look at that Rodney. What a sight!
Makes you proud to be British.
They know the difference between
cucumber sandwiches and an egg on toast, this lot.
Alright?
Splendid!
Derek, listen.
I was nervous enough about this weekend,
and that was without you being here!
But you arrived! And your presence alarms me!
What I'm trying to say is, behave yourself! Please.
I want you to know something.
No matter what happens tonight I'm doing it for you.
- What do you mean? What's gonna happen?
- Nothing, nothing!
- What are you gonna do for me?
- I'm just gonna help you make a good impression.
- I do not want to make a bloody impression!
- You will make an impression tonight.
You can cut that language out for a start!
The creme de la menthe
of British nobility down there.
Look at 'em, there's noone down there
lower than a Dowager!
What do you want them to think?
That we are just the hoi polloi?
We've gotta be on our bestest
behaviour tonight!
- So we are agreed on that then!
- Right...
Cor! Look at the lungs on that!
- Alright Henry?
- Good evening Trotter.
- Is that a Da Vinci?
- No, it's not a Da Vinci!
What a shame. 'Cause he's my most favourite artist.
Have you seen that cartoon of his! Laugh!
My old rib ached for days.
'Cause he did the old Mona Lisa and all you know.
- Really?
- She's the one with the energetic smile.
You can't tell whether she's just about to grin
or she's sucking a sweet.
- That is a Pissarro.
- Oh I don't know, I've seen worse.
It's by Camille Pissarro,
a 19th century impressionist!
What, like Mike Yarwood?
- Yes, just like Mike Yarwood.
- What, and he did a bit of painting an' all?
- Marvellous innit? You learn something new every day.
- Do you?
Keep your eyes on those peas, Shirley.
There you are Albert.
Thank you very much Mrs Miles.
I'll give you a word of warning.
- Don't give Mr Trotter any peas, they go everywhere.
- I'll tell Mr Patterson. Who are your people, Albert?
- They're not people, they're my nephews.
- So they're not of noble birth then?
Noble? Nearest them two have got to nobility
was their great Uncle Jack, he was a tobacco baron!
The noisy one's a fly-pitcher
and the young one's his apprentice.
So that's what you lot do then,
sell things on street corners?
Not me madam! I was a career man.
I was in the navy for 30 years, man and boy.
I've been round the world
more times than a satellite.
I fought in the battle of the Atlantic, battle of the Pacific,
Russian convoys, you name it, I was there!
I bet you could tell a tale
or two, eh Albert?
I never talk about it!
I understand. I expect it
brings back too many memories?
You're right! I remember once,
we was in the South China Sea.
We knew there were mines about...
That little fella out there is really
knocking back the champers!
He's had nearly three quarters of a bottle
to himself already.
He keeps talking about Leonardo Da Vinci,
it's like he knew him!
Tell Mr Patterson. He might be able to discreetly
suggest that the gentleman moderates his drinking.
- Anyway, as I was saying, I never talk about it.
- Never talk about what?
About my days in the navy,
all the battles end everything.
But on this particular day in the South China Sea,
the old captain came to us...
- Are we nearly ready to serve, Mrs Miles?
- Ready when you are Mr Patterson.
Good, I want to get Leonardo Da Vinci's
best friend sat down before he falls down.
- He's some relation of yours, isn't he?
- Who, Leonardo Da Vinci?
No, the gentleman outside who thinks
the stuffed olives are pickled grapes?
Yeah, yeah sort of.
Is he an ex-navy man as well, Albert?
Him? You must be joking. He thinks a clipper's
something you do your hair with!
No, I'm the only one in our family
who ever went to sea. I tell a lie.
My Grandmother's brother was safety officer
on the Titanic.
But I never talk about it.
Henry, who's that young chap
with Victoria?
He's just a friend. She met
at street market.
She's going through her 'working artist' stage
at the moment. Just like her mother, bless her.
It's just a phase. She's often bringing these colourful
characters down for the weekend.
Do you remember that chap who looked like a gypsy
who arrived with a bull-terrier and a stolen Escort?
Oh yes. He beat up Patterson in the library.
This chap, Roland, no Rodney,
he's an artist too.
And the other fella, his brother?
Yes, he appears to be the
biggest artist of them all!
- Henry, is that a Da Vinci?
- No.
- Nice, though.
- It's just a phase, as I say.
Patterson. Giss a little topperooni,
will you pal?
Would you leave that wine alone?
You ain?t in the Star of Bengal now!
What's wrong with you?
I'm jus enjoying myself, that's all.
I know. But when you enjoy yourself
nobody else does!
Trust me Rodney. We're reaching the point
in the evening when I'm going to project you.
I do not want to be projected, have you got that?
I want to stay extremely un-projected!
- Hold her hand.
- What?
- Hold her hand!
- Shut up!
- I think he's a little drunk.
- He's always been a little drunk!
- That was a blinding meal yer Ladyship, weren't it?
- Yes, excellent.
- What did you have? The pheasant?
- Yes, pheasant.
I had the quails, with peas and gravy.
- So you did! Tell me. It's Trotter, isn't it?
- Yes, that's right, but my friends call me Del.
I see. Tell me Trotter,
how do you come to know Henry?
His daughter Victoria, the pretty one there in the blue,
is getting engaged to my younger brother Rodney.
It's the ugly one there
in the white.
Engaged?
Keep it under your tiara,
we don't want the media to hear about this.
Remember what happened to Andrew and Fergie,
they couldn't even fart without being in a news flash.
There he is.
Good man.
You've drawn a blank there your Ladyship!
Nevermind.
I expect your carafe will be
coming along in a minute.
Here you come, slack 'em on if you like
while you're waiting.
I was in the liferaft about 20 yards from him.
The currant was so strong I couldn't reach him!
It was awful! That story will haunt me
to the day I die!
I know the feeling!
- That's how you can tell they're pukka crystal.
- Really? Thank you.
Pleasure.
I don't want to worry you Henry, but he actually
threw his banana skin in your Chein Lung jardiniere.
Good grief!
These are nice Victoria.
What are they, Ravenhead or something?
No it's Stonebridge Crystal.
It's been in the family for generations.
Put it down!
Look at that. Craftsmanship, that.
- Henry, this knife.
- No, it's not a Da Vinci!
- Sure it's silver though, I'd wager.
- Yes. They were made by William Cawdill in 1648.
They've come up well, ain't they?
Hear that tone? Makes you proud to be British, that.
Of course, me and Rodney are involved in cutlery.
It's canteens of cutlery, par excellence.
I've got some in the van. I can pop out
and get some for you if you like.
- Del. Just leave it.
- Alright. Don't worry, we'll pop out later, won't we?
- Which part of London are you from, Rodney?
- Peckham. Peckham, Peckham in London.
Really? Not too far from me,
I have a flat in Chelsea.
Rodney's taking me to Stamford Bridge
to see someone play soccer.
Oh you're one of the faithful!
I'm a blues fan myself. Have you taken a box?
He doesn't need a box,
he's tall enough to see, ain't he?
- No, I meant a private box in the new stand!
- No, I'm usually in the Shed.
Yes, I've often seen the chaps in the Shed.
Looks great fun! I'm a great Dixon fan.
- Which Dixon is that?
- Dixon of Chelsea!
Him? I'd rather play Dixon of Dock Green!
He can't dribble like Jimmy Greaves could!
Well maybe not, but he's still a fine player.
I mean, he's good in the air!
So was Biggles!
Rodney, he had a great
future as an athlete.
That's jolly interesting,
Rodney. Which area of athletics?
All sorts, weren't it, Rodney? Running and jumping
over things, chucking things about, all sorts!
The headmaster at his university wanted him
to go in the Olympics. But he said no!
'Cause he waned to concentrate on his business.
'Cause that is where his true talent lies.
I mean, he's a future whiz-kid.
He's got two GCEs.
This time next year he's gonna be a millionaire.
That's very nice to hear.
Which university were you at?
It wasn't actually a university.
Rodney was at an art college,
Daddy. In Basingstoke.
I've heard very good things about it.
- How long were you there old chap?
- Three weeks.
- Three weeks?
- I left for personal reasons.
It weren't his fault.
No, it's important that these
good people know the whole truth!
They weren't his drugs
what he was found in possession of!
They belonged to this Chinese tart!
The story is, you see, that he went down
to her room to borrow a box of chalks.
She said 'Come in Rodney
and have a puff of this'.
And before you know what happened
the old SGB burst in.
and he was caught bang to rights
with a reefer ala dente!
He was two or three miles away in black Maria
before he even said 'man'!
I just wanted you all to know about this drugs conviction
just in case it's ever brought up by the gutter press,
I want you to know
that he was done up like a kipper.
Anyway, let's liven the procedings up a bit!
Little recitation entitled,
'Don't worry mother your son will soon be back,
he's sailing round the world
in a Grimsby fishing smack'!
Listen. I'll tell you...
You'll like this one.
The boy stood on the burning deck,
the water shone like glass.
A burning ember flew down his neck,
and burnt him on the ankle!
You all thought I was gonna say arse,
didn't you?
That's the joke, you see!
Did you hear the one about the Irish bloke
on a skiing holiday?
There was this Irish bloke, he won a holiday
in a contest of some sort, to go skiing.
You'll love this.
This is a killer!
Trotter! I want a word with you!
Outside, now!
Alright Henry.
See you later.
I will clench the deal.
Now listen to me, Trotter.
- Are you still staying overnight? Or... or not?
- No, I best go off home, eh?
Fine... it was...
Yes.
I want you and all your kith and kin
out of my house and off my land now!
- You don't you wanna talk about the arrangements first?
- Arrangements? What arrangements?
For Victoria and Rodney's wedding!
Wedding?
What do you mean, wedding?
Don't tell me that noone's told you.
I hope I haven't spoilt a wonderful surprise!
- A wonderful surprise? For whom?
- Well, for you!
I thought we might make the announcements in The Times,
the Country Life and the Peckham Echo.
What do you think?
I do not believe what I'm hearing!
My daughter is marrying no one!
In two months time she is going to America.
She's doing a year's course
at the New York School of Art!
They'll probably take that in on their honeymoon!
Two months? We have book the old cathedral a bit lively!
The only thing you'll be booking is a bed
in intensive care!
Your brother is not, I repeat,
not marrying my daughter.
Just a minute Henry. We're not just a couple of yippidy yoys.
We know how to conduct ourselves.
In fact, there is a rumour going round that we are related
to the Surrey Trotters!
I don't care if you're related to the Surrey Trotters,
the Berkshire Trotters or the Harlem bloody Globe Trotters!
I want that young man out of my daughter's life!
Well I don't know how you're gonna do that!
Because that Victoria seems pretty stuck on him.
Well I'll find a way of unsticking her,
have no fear of that!
Well it's not gonna be easy.
Cause I know Rodney, and I know him only too well.
I can't think of anything
that would make him leave her...
- Well, when I say anything... Well there's one thing.
- And what's that?
Why don't we go into your study
and discuss it over a glass of brandy?
Come on. In here.
Come on.
- What is that one?
- That's a bloody Da Vinci.
Rodney, I was trying to make an impression.
Oh, you made an impression, Del!
It was similar to the impression
the Americans made at Nagasaki!
Why don't you just stay out of my life? For as long
as I can remember it's always been the same.
It's just you sticking your oar in!
What about that time I joined the army cadets.
Then you discovered the boy I shared a tent with
had a relative who was a big noise in show-business.
That was the end of my military career weren't it?
I was now gonna be a child-star!
So I was demobbed and straight into a tap-dancing
school before I could say, 'Who goes there?'
And that was just an embarrassment as well,
just like tonight.
I was the only kid in that school
who never had a proper set of tap-dancing shoes.
Only because your army
boots made more noise!
They made more noise alright! I used to make
'Zippidy Doo Dah' sound like the advance on Leningrad!
You see, you had to interfere! And now
you've interfered between me and Vicky.
You humiliated and destroyed me
in front of all them people.
And you've ruined my opportunity of sharing
a warm and friendly relationship with somebody I respected.
And on top of all that Del.
On top of all that, I think I've broken my hand.
- Let's have a look at it then!
- Get away from me! Leave me alone.
You even went and told the joke about
the Irish bloke on a skiing holiday, didn't ya?
But you know what the most painful incident
of the entire evening was?
His Grace called me
into his study for a little chat.
He said he wanted me to stop seeing Victoria.
He wanted me out of her life - now, and for good!
- He even offered me money!
- No!
You can imagine how I felt
can't you?
Horrible Rodney, must have felt really horrible!
I'd have told him what he could do with his money.
- I did son!
- Good boy!
What? You said nito to a grand?
Yes I did! I still have some of my self-esteem
left intact!
How did you know he offered
me a grand?
How did you know he offered
me a 1,000 pounds?
Well, that's about the going rate
to get a plonker out of your daughter's life!
- You arranged it didn't you?
- No, no, I didn't actually arrange it!
Look, them sort of people
they are looked after by the Special Branch and MI6.
Don't you think, when they run your name
through their computer and found out you got a conviction,
if you refused to get out of Vicky's life
they would have sent a hit team.
You'd have been brown bread, brother.
I thought meself, a grand on the hip is worth more
than a poisoned umbrella up your jacksey!
- But you turned it down, didn't you? You dipstick.
- Yes I did!
Del, I refuse to become a lot number
in one of your auctions.
But you can't understand that,
can you?
You just can't understand.
Of course I can understand, Rodney.
Look, I'm sorry I hurt you, Rodney.
Come on, don't hate me.
Please brother!
I don't hate you.
I don't bloody like you.
Well, that'll do me, Rodney.
Put it there.
Now, what are you?
What are you? Eh?
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