Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 5, Episode 5 - Video Nasty - full transcript

What's the matter with you
Boycie?

You don't seem you're old self tonight,
You ain't cheated once.

No, sorry Trigger, I'm
just a bit down, that's all.

I mean, you don't know what it's like to
have a wife who cannot have children.

I've tried to console her. I've said 'Marlene,
God didn't mean you to have kids, so shut up about it.

'Doesn't seem to help.

I'd like to be someone's
dad.

We're down for another
going over at the bloody hospital next week.

I mean, embarrassing ain't
the word.

I'm sure they do half those tests just for
a giggle.

I mean, she's the one with the problem,
why have I gotta go?



I never knew who my dad
was.

I heard your mum weren't
that sure.

You're out of order Mike.
She knew who my dad was...roughly.

Now, come off it Trigger.
I've seen your birth certificate at school!

What did your
mum put down under father's name?

...Long time ago weren't it?

What did she put down under
father's name?

'Some Soldiers!' Well maybe
that's where I get my military bering from!

Oh yeah? Well go'n do a
counter-attack then!

Where's Del Boy tonight then?

- He's gone to the Zoo.
- He's gone to the...

- Don't ask.
- Right then, I'm off now Mickey.

Yeah, I'll see yer later
Amanda. Here doll, treat yourself to a chinky, yeah.

Cor, cheers Mick. I'll give
you a bell in the week.



Seems like a nice girl Mickey!

Yeah well! You know how it is
Mike, every so often a person fancies a bit of rough!

And she picked you?

Oh that's a joke innit? I remember you said
something funny a couple of years ago!

Alright Mick?

- Alright Rodney, what you having?
- Oh, um, 'alf a lager please, ta.

'Ere y'are Mike, make that a
big pint!

Oi, oi, what have you been
up to then?

I'm working for Boycie ain't I!
Delivering, picking up.

He's in the video game in a
big way. Pirates, naughties, all that!

And it's cash in hand, no questions,
sweet as a nut!

Where you been, out on the
knocker?

No, I've just come back
from me evening class ain't I?

You know I told you we'd
applied for an Arts Council grant? We got it!

Never!

Yeah, straight up!

Mr Stevens, right, he's head
of our art group, got confirmation this morning.

We got ten thousand pounds
to make a local community film.

And we've got all the equipment, everything -
and guess who's in charge of the project?

You're putting me on!

No, straight up, it's me.
What I've got to do, you see,

I've gotta come up with the idea and then delegate the
various responsibilities to all the other students.

Yeah, well put me in won't
you? I'm a member of your art class aren't I?

Oh come off it Mickey, you only came one night - and
that's only cos I told you we had a nude model.

Yeah, well I thought it would
be a bird. You've gotta write it Rodney?

Well, you're a natural when it
comes to the written word.

I'll never forget that thing
you wrote some years back. What was it called?

The Indictment.

That's it, The Indictment,
yeah.

That would have made a terrific book you know. Why
didn't you send it to the publisher?

I'll be perfectly honest with
you Mickey.

I couldn't think of a single publisher who
could understand what I was saying.

Yeah, it was a bit strange
weren't it?

- Alright Rodders?
- Hello Del, what you having?

What am I having?

A bleedin' hard time with
this moaner, here.

I shouldn't be humping bales
of hay around at my time of life.

Bales of hay??

You see, Abdul's cousin's
girlfriend's brother's mate, right,

he's a gamekeeper
down at one of these private Zoos!

And Monkey Harris's sister's husband's first
wife's stepfather, right, he works for an animal food company.

So, put the two together and what you got -
a nice little earner.

Don't wanna worry you but I
think you've got something nesting in there, old son.

Up yer shirt!

Hang on. I'll see you in a
minute.

While you've been poncing around at yer soppy art class
I've had to unload two tons of hay!

Oh, poncing around, is that
what you call it?

Well, for your information,
this evening I was commissioned to make a film!

Leave it out Dave, I wouldn't
leave you to make a jelly!

I have heard rumours Mickey
Mouse wears a Rodney Trotter wristwatch!

- It's true.
- I love it, Boycie.

I'm telling you!! I've got all
the equipment, and everything!

I'm writing it and...and
Mickey Pearce is directing!

You what...Mickey Pearce
directing. He couldn't direct a sea gull to the coast him.

He's got experience in films!

What, that Saturday-morning
job at the photographic counter at Boots?

Leave it out Rodney. Anyway, you
couldn't write a film script.

I mean, what was that book that you wrote,
what was it called The Indikment,

I mean that never got published did it, eh?

No, 'cos you chucked it down
the bloody chute!

Yes that's right, because I
didn't want to see you disappointed!

It was a bloody stupid story - no murders
in it or nothing!

It was an indictment of a
failing system weren't it?

Alright, it was a first effort so it probably didn't
have the same social impact as, say, Cathy Come Home!

It didn't have the same social
impact as Lassie Come Home!

This film you're making Rodney
- anyone in it we know?

I tell you what, all them
birds are in it for a start, look.

That's a shred move on your
part Rodney.

You're the writer, Mickey's the
director. So he gets the casting couch and you get the Biro!

'Ey up there, here you are Oscar, quick, mind out -
I've got a present for you. There y'are.

- What is it?
- Close your eyes.

- Oh come on Del!
- Now, come on, close yer eyes!

I bet Tom Stoppard don't have
to put up with all this!

Alright, come on then open
'em. Well? There you are.

It's a
typewriter, innit?

You see that Albert, he
recognised it straight away, that's the author in him!

Well, come on Rodney, come
on, let's get going boy.

You'll soon have that old screenplay knocked out now
won't you my son? Go on, there.

It's er...it's old isn't it?

They made stuff to last in
them days. That is quality Rodney.

Look at that crest,
by royal appointment.

- Oh yeah...Victoria Regina!
- Well go'n.

- What?
- Well go on, try it.

It's very faint Del, innit?

Well you gotta hit it harder
than that Rodney - have another go.

It's still faint.

Well, you've gotta give it a
good whack haven't ya. Here, I'll show ya, look.

There y'are, there y'are,
that's a bit better, look.

Yeah that's great, thanks a
lot.

- Away you go then.
- Away I go what?

Well, you know, you know,
start the old typing.

Yeah, be creative.

Be creat... I can't just be
creative at the drop of a hat can I?

There are certain things a writer needs before
he can actually start writing. Like a story!

You ain't even got a story??

Not exactly, I've only been
trying for a couple of days, ain't I?

Listen, I've got an idea for a story and it's a bloody
good 'un an' all! D'you wanna hear it?

No...Not really Del.

Oh that's charming innit?

You buy him a brand-new typewriter and come up with
a story for him, and what thanks d'you get?

I'll tell you what thanks get Albert, no sodding
thanks, that's the thanks I get!

Alright, tell me yer story
then!

No, no, don't bother yourself Rodney, please. I was
only tryin' to help you!

Oh now, come on, honestly Del,
seriously, I'd like to hear your story...

Well, I need a
bit of help, don't I?

Right, okay, now this is a
Jaws-type story.

Jaws?? Jaws has been done
though.

I know it's been done! But this is different. It's
called...There's a Rhino Loose in the City!

There's a Rhi... Loose In...
As in rhinoceros?

That's right. There's a Rhino
Loose in the City!

What's it about Del?

Well, it's about this rhinoceros right, escapes from
the zoo and it heads straight for London!

And after two or three days they find like
all these dead bodies lying about

and no-one knows who's
done it!

So, they get hold of this private detective,
you know,

like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer
to try and solve the crime.

Now the zoo keeper happens
to be a very attractive woman.

Before you know where you are, old Charlton
is giving the sort what for, so that's yer romantic interest!

A rhinoceros??

Yeah! But they don't know
it's missing!

But how can you not know?

If you've got a rhinoceros right and one day it ain't
there - well, you tend to know it's missing!

Don't be a plonker all yer
life Rodney.

She ain't got one rhinoceros, she probably
had two or three rhinoceroses!

And how's he escape?

Squeezed through the bars
most probably!

Now don't you start getting saucy with me Rodney.
I'm only trying to help you.

I don't believe this! Nobody
knows it's escaped?

What about the eight million
people living in London?

Don't none of them spot it?

Yes! But the ones who spot
it - they're the ones who get trampled to death!

And what about all the others?

The people in offices, the people in cafes, the people
sitting on top of buses! It's a rhino Del.

- He only comes out at night!
- What is it, a vampire rhino?

No it is not a vampire rhino.
That is stupid that is, innit eh?

And where does he live during
the day?

In a lock-up garage in a back
street!

What, he's leasing it is he?

He's not leasing it. It's a disused garage in a back
street where no one ever goes!

The detective does find
it, only it's at night!

And the rhino's gone out?

That's right see, so you see
the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery.

You see what it is Rodney,
not only is it a love story! It's a whodunit!

An whodunit? What do you mean
an whodunit? We know who-dun-it! The rhino done it!

Yes, I know that, we - we the audience know that, but they
don't know - the actors do they?

This is something! A
rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo!

There are 300 dead
bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints!

There's a lockup garage two and 'arf foot deep in
rhinoceros crap and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!!

I do admit there are one or two teething snags!

But it's got all the essential
qualities of a hit hasn't it.

I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings
and a bit of humpty dumpty!

I mean, look, this is a
disaster movie!

Disaster? It's a calamity
Del!

Why is he killing people?

Well, what d'you want him to be a social worker?
Well, he's a man-eater ain't he?

No, no, rhinoceroses aren't
carnivorous! They're vegetarian!

Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him
hide in the back of an health food shop!

And he won't head for the
city neither.

But he's gotta head for the
city so that he can kill lots of people!

Yeah that's right!

No, his natural habitat
would be open country.

Alright, so what are you
suggesting?

We call the film There's a Rhino Loose
Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives??

You don't call the likes of
Charlton Heston in 'cos something's eating carrots!

I think it's a good idea Del.

- Thank you very much Albert.
- Yeah, well I'll pass!

Alright, alright, I just wanted to put an idea in your
head that was all.

I wish it'd been a bleedin' bullet
now!

Del, I've only got a small
budget, ain't I?

But that's the beauty of it Rodney.
I know where there's a rhinoceros going cheap!

Yeah, alright Chas, I'll knock
out that stuff for you tomorrow night. Eh?

Um, not sure whether we'll be wanting the
rhino now.

We won't.

Alright, listen I'll give you
a bell tomorrow Chas. Tata mate.

Oi Tony, come on, where's
that grub - we've been waiting 'alf hour.

There's something I wanted to catch
on the telly, the Epilogue.

Wha' you order?

Look I told you, two chicken
and rice and one Spanish omelette.

Two chicken rice, one Spanish
omerette.

Can't even speak the lingo can
he?

Well, how are you getting on
with your story then?

Well I have the kernel of an
idea! I'm just waiting for it to develop somewhat.

It's what writers
call the gestation period.

- And what do you call it?
- Stop it, stop your winding up you.

And where's your director then
Rodney?

He's acquainting himself with
the video camera and all the equipment.

Yeah. He's down the Town Hall
filming a wedding.

What d'you mean he's down the
Town Hall filming a wedding?

Well, well you see what
happened was, I went down the Town Hall

and around a few churches taking notes of the
banns.

Then I contacted the brides and asked them if they'd like
their happiest day recorded on film for 50 quid a throw!

I don't believe you're doing
this to me!

Well look Rodney, that Mickey
Pearce has gotta practice with that camera ain't he?

He's gotta work out how to focus it
and all that.

You know, why
not earn while yer learn!

That's what I say. Anyway, Boycie
nicks all them tapes from Boycie, don't he, eh?

But Del, this is an opportunity for me
and all you're doing is making money out of it!

It'll be alright because he's only got five or six weddings
to do, two or three christenings and he's finished.

But that camera is council
property!

- Yeah, so is the Town Hall.
- Yeah see, there you go!

You're just abusing the trust
shown in me, ain't yer.

LWill you shut up you
tart! Look, here is your share.

I don't want it.

Oh well, please yourself. It
goes back in the...

Alright, just this once!

Don't do me no favours Rodney!
Will ya, eh?

You've got a nerve...

Well, that's shut you up for
a good while though innit Boycie!

I keep telling you Marlene,
them doctors don't know everything!

They're a bunch
of chancers that's all.

Good afternoon, I phoned an
order through earlier, Mr Boyce.

- Oh yes, I go see.
- Thank you.

All those bloody tests I've
had!

And what about all the bloody
tests I've...

Oh, good afternoon Derek. I
didn't realise you and your family were dining out.

Oh yes, I like to treat 'em
once in a while, keep the moral up.

Hello darling, how are you?
Hey, is my little godson in there yet?

No he ain't! And he ain't
likely to be with him around!

Marlene bloody nuffing!

All these years you've said it
was my fault we couldn't have kids!

They've just discovered there's nothing wrong with
me - it's him.

Ain't it bleedin' fair eh??

What's the matter then
Boycie? You ain't a noofter are you?

See that you've started now
Marlene?

Even the doctors ain't allowed to discuss
this outside the confines of the laboratory.

And you're holding a public debate in
a Chinese take-away.

He's got what the doctors
call a low count.

Don't want to buy a
calculator do you Boyce?

- What's it mean?
- Nothing!

It means he's been firing more
blanks than the Territorials!

You happy now Marlene?

- My Boyce, prawn balls?
- Yes thank...

Yes, thank you very much.

It's our anniversary next Friday. 20 years, Gawd, that's
something to celebrate innit?

Anyway, we've hired the pub
and you're all invited.

Oh lovely, we'll be there
sweetheart.

Well, come along then Marlene.

Yeah alright, oh Rodney is
that right you're making a film?

You know I used to act a bit
when I was younger.

Actually someone once said that I had
a promising career in films.

Yeah, then talkies come
along and ruined it! Let's go Marlene!

Tara Marlene. Bye bye Boycie.

What about that then? Old
Boycie being a Jaffa.

- A Jaffa?
- Yeah, you know, seedless!

I could use Boycie's problem
as a theme for my film couldn't I.

Because that hospital they attend, that's
one of the leading centres for genetic research,

artificial insemination and
all that. That's quite interesting?

Oh yeah, on the edge of yer
seat stuff that - yeah.

Have you thought any more about
the rhino story?

Del, I am not doing a film about a blood-sucking
rhinoceros and a divvy detective!

No, that hospital
interests me though.

I don't reckon they should be
allowed to do it - freezing things and all that.

They're
messing around with nature.

No, they're not messing around
with nature are they?

They're assisting nature!

See, 'cos they only freeze the ova, or
eggs, right, until they are ready to be fertilised, right,

and then thy get the
egg and well they sort of mix...There's this geezer...

Oi, oi, I've ordered an
omelette 'ere.

Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I reckon, in a few years time,
young married couples wanting to start a family,

they won't go to the doctors, they'll
nip down the road to Bejams!

- Everything alright Rodney?
- No, the T and the A are missing.

Well it's no problem is it?

Well it is if you wanna
write words like 'at'!

You'll find a way round it,
I've got faith in you, I really have.

Anyway, how are you coming on? Can I have a
read, or something?

No you can't! It's not
finished yet!

Oh alright. What's this,
just a minute.

What's this red mark up here,
is that something technical is it?

No, one of my fingers started
bleeding!

Never mind, you'll be alright.

Hey! I tell you what, your movie ain't 'alf caused a
stir round here!

You'd be surprised how many actors
and actresses live locally.

I don't mean - you know, like professionals, I mean a
lot of new, fresh, untapped talent!

Well, I made a list
for yer, there you are.

You're not suggesting I use
all these people in my film?

Just extras Rodney, just extras. Never mind the
quantity think about the quality!

I'm thinking about the money
Del!

I did say, well a tenner a
day.

I can't afford to pay 'em a
tenner a day!

No, they pay us a tenner a
day.

You're just exploiting people
again ain't yer?

No I am not Rodney. I've given
'em your word now.

Well you had no right to!

Alright here?s your share.
There you go, look.

And they're just extras?

Just extras, that's all.

By the way, there's a list here
of local businesses you might like to mention.

The Seventh Heaven Sauna
Parlour??

Yeah, just a mention, something like 'The nice relaxing
atmospheric, nice and friendly service.'

You know what I mean? Oh, is the
undertaker's down there?

- No.
- Oh well bear it in mind, will yer?

Del, why are you doing this to me? I had high hopes when
I started this project!

Mr Stevens said if it was good
enough he'd show it at the National Film Theatre.

What's the matter with you,
you're earning ain't yer?

Look, listen I've gotta shoot, I've got another
client to meet. It might mean another booking...

'Ere, talking about that...what is a 'natural birth'?
Never mind - I'll find out myself.

Albert,
d'you wanna lift?

Yeah, I'll be with you in
a minute son.

Well come on, come on shift yourself I ain't got
all night you know. See you later.

Smile, you're on Candid Camera.

Alright, listen, I might have
another booking for you later on. I'll give you a bell, alright.

Alright Rodney?

No it's not alright! This is
getting out of hand!

Look!

What is it, a petition?

No, that's our cast list!

And this is a list of all the
shops and businesses we've gotta advertise.

- He forgot the undertakers!
- You mean you knew about it?

Well it's good business
Rodney!

Right, I'm off out now Rodney.

- I'll get it.
- Look it's gotta stop Mickey!

We're promoting shops and
businesses, ain't we?

We've got more extras than Ben
Hur there.

- Watcha babe. This is Amanda.
- It's a what?

Amanda. I'm taking her out for a drink tonight so I
asked her round here

so you could make her a nice
cup of coffee. Alright Rodney.

Yeah, okay.

- D'you take sugar?
- Two please.

Mickey, could I have a
moment of your time please.

What's up?

Why is she wearing a nurse's
uniform?

She's just come off duty!

Oh yeah. You must think I've
just come off a banana boat! What are yer playing at??

Look, I've been delivering these films for Boycie ain't I,
so I know where I can sell 'em.

We've got all this equipment, why waste it? We
can cut the middle-man out!

I'd like to cut your liver
out. You are not making any films in this flat.

Understand? Both of you??

Alright Rodney, no need to
get out yer pram about it.

Sit down. I'll make you a cup of
coffee then you can both hit the road.

What's happening? What the
bloody hell's happening?

I've got a cast of thousands, I've
got more advertising than Pearl and Dean

and now Mickey wants to make Emmanuelle in
Peckham. Oh, this is a bloody nightmare...

Now Rodney, Rodney...Calm down...Deep
breaths...Nice 'n' easy does it...

- Night Nurse Take One.
- Night Nurse Take One??

That's the way baby. Let it
slip to the ground.

Mickey...You better not be
doing...

Oh no Mickey. No, get her
to put 'em back! Oh bloody hell!

Hold 'em up. That's
it. Move 'em about a bit.

Oh hurry up Mickey love.
Boycie, he don't like smiling for too long.

Okay everybody, that's a
wrap.

I wasn't ready for that
one.

- Happy anniversary.
- Happy anniversary dear.

Oi, vicar get a move on.
We've got that christening to do in 20 minutes.

Yes, I'll be with you in just a
moment Mickey.

Alright, I'll wait for you
down the church then. Alright Rodney?

- Shut up!
- Please yerself!

Here we go Rodney, my son,
there is your share, alright?

I don't like this Del, you
know I don't like this. Ta.

Here Del, we're slipping out
to the back room.

- Alright?
- Right, good Mike, yeah.

- Hi Rodney.
- Alright Mike.

Of all the bars in all the
world and you had to walk into mine.

You in my film as well
Mike are yer?

Yeah, just a little cameo
role son. I'll see you in a minute.

Come on Rodney. Come on
Albert.

It all seems to be going
rather well.

Oh yeah, it's very nice
innit vicar?

I married the happy couple
all those years ago.

Of course, I had hoped by now
that the Good Lord would have blessed their union

with an offspring or two.
But if it's not to be...

Well I heard that because of
the precarious state of the world,

Boycie and Marlene
had decided against starting a family.

Oh really? I heard that
Boycie was a Jaffa.

Tell me, is it true that you're
making a film Rodney?

Oh yeah. We got an Arts
Council grant.

I er...I was talking with
Derek earlier...

I'll give you a bell when we
start shooting vicar.

Thank you my boy.

Alright - everyone got a drink
have they?

Even the vicar's in on it Del.

- What you want to drink?
- Give us a beer.

Here. Go on then my son.

- Watcha Dave.
- Alright Trigger.

- You dirty rat!
- Oh, this is getting bloody stupid.

Alright gentlemen, would you like to settle down.
If you'd like to take your seats.

Come on, here we go.

The Boycie Video and Leisure Arts Company
is proud to present the British Premiere

of Night Nurse from the novel
by Enid Blyton.

Ooh, that was a bit unexpected innit?

Here look at that one. I've
got no sympathy for her, look.

No, no, Del that's gotta be
special effects.

No that's real. No stop -
it's starting proper now.

Where do they get these grotty
flats to film in?

'Ere I've seen that bird
before somewhere.

Go on girl, let's have a look.
'Oh dear, I am tired I've just come back from nursing.'

One of those would do me a
week.

Hello, who's got her ear
muffs off now...

It was nothing to do with me
Del. It was a Mickey Pearce production!

Mickey Pearce. You wait till
I get my hands on him.

I'm 'gonna shove that camera 'alf
a mile up his nostril!

Rodney, didn't you have any
idea what you were getting yourself into?

I thought Boycie wouldn't be too pleased you know,
someone muscling in on his business and that.

God. Boycie. Boycie's not
the one that worries me.

It's his partners that are
giving me grief.

D'you know who's backing him in this,
only the Driscoll Brothers that's all.

- Have you heard of 'em?
- No.

No. Well let's hope they
haven't heard of you.

Now I'm gonna see if I can save your knees and make
sure they stay in the same place.

Now I'm stuffing this down
the khazi, you stay there.

Del, I promise nothing like
this will ever happen again - I promise.

Hello Rodney? Alright for a
cup of coffee??

- Oh yes, do come in Mickey.
- I brought a few friends with me.

Oh yes.

Pearcie! I want a ruddy word
with you.

Hello? Oh Mr Stevens, hi!

Yeah, yeah and have you had a
chance to read it? Great.

Well what do you think? And
please be truthfully blunt with me.

Okay, yes, ah ha!
Yes well that's truthfully blunt innit Mr Stevens.

Yes, there are a lot of characters
in it, yes, but all vital to the theme I thought.

Yes, well, I actually wanted to write a film
that not only dealt with the contemporary issues

but also challenged some of the more widely held
beliefs of modern youth!

No, that is no problem because my brother
knows where he can get us a rhino, yeah!

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