Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 5, Episode 4 - Tea for Three - full transcript

Oh, excuse me mate, oi give
us...oh, Gawd blimey Michael, give us...

Alright Dave?

Oh yeah, hello Trig. Looks
like rain don't it?

Yeah, tastes like it and all.

Oi, I heard that Trigger! I'll have you know my beer
has just won second prize in the breweries contest!

Yes that's right, he was narrowly beaten
by the Metropolitan Water Board!

Do you hear that? He was narrowly beaten
by the Metropolitan Water Board!

You see Trigger, they
sell water you know and Mike, he sells...

What is it Albert?

Now brace yourselves boys,
I just had a bit of bad news.

Your Aunt Ada's been rushed into hospital,
she's in a bad way by all accounts.



- Oh no, that's a shame innit?
- That's a choker.

- Who's Aunt Ada?
- Gawd knows; I don't.

She's me wife.

Oh that Aunt Ada? But you
ain't seen her for ages.

Yeah, she said to the rest of the family that if she
saw you again she'd kill you.

She was annoyed when she said that. You see it's
like a chapter of my life is coming to a close.

Yeah, I know just how she
feels though, eh?

Well that's it you see son, I don't know.
I'd like to go and visit her and find out.

Well why don't ya?

'Cos she might not be as ill as they say.

He's really in the dumps ain't he?

Yeah, I know. What can
you do, eh? Still.

Sorry darling! I'll
tell you what we can do,

why don't we take him down
the chinky, that should cheer him up, eh Rodders?



Do you want to come with us Trig?

No, I ain't sure Del. My
niece'll be here in a minute.

She's come up from the
country for a few days.

You remember little Lisa don't you?

Lisa, oh your sister's kid?
Yeah, I remember her.

I'd better see what she
fancies doing.

Listen, I'm gonna have a chat with
Albert, jolly him up a bit.

Jolly him up. Thanks
Trigger, you're a pal.

I remember Lisa - scruffy
little mare weren't she.

She had more candlesticks
than Liberace.

Yeah, that's her. I remember her mum though,
she was a fair sort - pig-ugly, but a fair sort.

I nicknamed her Miss 999 you
know 'cos I only phoned her in an emergency.

See if we can do a bit of
business here, Michael...

Mike, just a moment -
Mike...Could I...Michael...

Oi, shut up will yer,
I can't hear myself think over here.

- Del, it's a talent contest!
- Well she ought to be disqualified.

- That's the favourite!
- Oi, what's all the hollering about?

Well, I dunno, I just told
her to shut up.

'Ere, listen Michael, now that we're over here, I've got
a beautiful ultraviolet sunbed back at the flat.

Now they retail normally at 375,
it's yours for 120.

Just think of it eh, your own personal home
solarium?

I don't want it.

I can see that you're in
two minds so I'll tell you what I'll do.

I have here a super delux modern
plug-in type telephone

and I'm gonna give it to you free
with your home-solarium.

I can't say fairer than
that, because this is my last one.

- I don't want it.
- I'll chuck in an extension.

- I don't want it.
- Yes or no?

Do me a favour Del...please.

I'm doing you a favour...

And I nearly had him then.

I could see he was weakening.
Is it worth stopping here for another one?

No it ain't. Come on Rodney -
let's get going.

That bird over there's giving me the
right hump. Oi, shut up.

Del. Lisa's here.

Not now Trigger, we ain't got time. Say hello
for us, will you? Come on Rodders - let's get going.

- Hello Del.
- Hello darling...Bloody hell!

That ain't that scruffy
little thing with the funny drawers is it?

Yeah, must be, yeah.

Bloody 'ell...Are you off
then, are yer?

No, no, no, I think I'll
stay for another one.

Are you gonna go down the chinky with
Uncle Albert then?

I don't fancy it - all
that batter and that.

Well, out of my way, come on,
get out of me way.

- You piss off.
- Look, there's a pound down there, look there.

Hello darling.

Hello, Del. Oh it's been such
a long time.

Yeah it has innit? Haven't you got
big, eh? No, I mean you've grown up.

- Well I'm 25 now.
- You're not! 25 now...

- Hello Lisa, do you remember me?
- Hello. How are you?

- Oh fine, I'm really good.
- Oh that's nice.

Who is he?

Eh? Who him? That's little
Rodney. Don't you remember little Rodney.

You used to
play with him.

- Oh, of course. You've changed.
- Yes, so have you.

I'll say she has changed.
Cor you are a big girl...

Why don't we go and sit down
over here, and have a little chat.

No, no. I'll come with you.
I'll come with you.

- Do you remember the old days?
- Thank you Rodney.

Oh it's lovely seeing you two
again.

You know I always remember
that day - ooh it was years and years ago ?

you drove round to me Nan's house in a
brand-new-three-wheeled van.

I remember him saying to
Uncle Trigger, this time next year it'll be a Mercedes.

I was so impressed...Did you
ever get the Mercedes?

Na, na, I went off 'em...
I got a nice little two-seater now!

Two seats, three
wheels! It's the same van innit?

That's right, I let Rodney borrow it sometimes when he's
behaved himself, 'cos he can't afford a car of his own!

I mean, what kid can of his age, eh? So you're living
down in the country then, eh?

Just outside Winchester. You
still livin' in the same place?

Yeah, yeah. we're still
there.

Listen, you know before you go home you ought
to come round to the flat.

We can have a chat about
old times, you know. You can stay for tea.

Oh thanks, I'd love to.

I was gonna invite you to
tea an' all. How about tomorrow night?

Fine.

Yes tomorrow's fine by me sweetheart.

No, I invited Lisa for
tomorrow night.

Yes, I know you did Rodney,
but don't forget I did invite Lisa first.

Derek, you clearly heard me
invite Lisa for tea tomorrow night.

But I invited her first.

Look, why don't we have tea together?
Then the three of us can talk about the old times.

- Oh, good.
- Fine.

Hurry up will you, I want
'alf an hour under there.

'Ere, these ultraviolet rays
contain vitamin E don't they?

I read somewhere that vitamin
Es are good for an 'angover.

Yeah, well you made a right
berk of yourself at the talent contest didn't yer?

Getting up on stage and
singing that stupid song.

What are you on about, I won!

You won??

Del, you know who
won the talent contest?

- Who did?
- Roy Orbison here!

Must have been a sympathy
vote!

Anyway, I've got all the grub in for me and
Lisa's tea tonight.

Yes, well I made a contribution too.

Oh, have ya? Well I got chicken Italiano, fruit salad
and Dream Topping to follow and what've you bought?

Cheese.

Cheese! Cheese? Well, it's a
good job I bought all this grub then innit, eh?

If it was left up to you the poor
little cow'd have been down for Welsh rabbit.

Well, if you put your hand in your pocket every so
often and give me some proper money.

Listen, I earn the money in
this family.

Why don't you two pack it
in?

God, you look like a geriatric ball-boy.

You two were niggling each
other last night and you've been bickering all morning,

I'm fed up with yer. I'm
going down the Legion.

Anyway, I better make sure we've got
enough Smash in for Lisa's tea.

Right, I'm gonna have a
quick tone-up, a nice shower and I am sorted!

Oi, how'd you turn this
thing on for 'alf an hour?

- On the end there.
- Right, got it.

Oh, this is lovely!

Listen to me Rodney. I told you once, you remember, that
Grandad and I didn't speak to each other for years?

Well that was all over a
woman! It was yer Aunt Ada!

You're not gonna sing again
are you?

I remember me and yer Grandad,
we were just like you and Del Boy.

We weren't just brothers, we was mates,
went everywhere together, got up to some right capers.

Then one night we met Ada at the local
palais.

She was a beautiful woman,
a bit like Ginger Rodgers.

Last time I saw her
she looked more like Fred Astaire!

Well, we both had a couple of dances with her,
then we both wanted to take her home.

We ended up fighting in the street over her.

He never spoke to me from that day to...
He never spoke to me ever again.

I'm frightened history's gonna repeat itself.
I don't wanna see that happen to you and Del.

Bloody kids!

Oi, Rodney! I'm gonna whip down the shops and get another
packet of Smash and some Brut so I want you to...

Ah, he's gone to sleep bless him! So you wanna get
a nice tan for the girl then do you?

I'll give you a nice tan alright.

Oh, not too much I got to be
up early in the morning.

Just a little topperooni - there we go.

Come on Rodney. Oi, come on,
bring your cheese.

I really think Rodney should
go to hospital with his face.

Yeah, I know, I've been
telling him that for years!

- Does your face hurt?
- Only when I smile.

Listen Rodney, I wouldn't stand about in that suit too
long if I were you, not with your head!

- Why not?
- Well, he looks like a Swan Vesta!

How's your mum these days Lisa?

Oh, she's fine thank you.

Did you know that years and
years ago, Del used to take your mum out?

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah, we were just
little tiny kids then.

What was it you nicknamed
her, Del?

Em... It was the Rose of
Peckham.

My Mum??? I can't wait to
tell her.

Well, that's funny because he
told me in the pub...

D'you like going to the flicks?

Oh the cinema, oh yeah.
Have you seen An Officer and a Gentleman?

Oh yeah, yeah.

Oh that Richard Gere, isn't
he fabulous?

- Yeah, he's alright.
- I like what he wears.

Oh when he was wearing his
uniform. Oh God, I went all goose-pimpley.

You know there definitely is something
about a man in a uniform.

Well you take after your mum there, she used to go
out with this geezer from the Gas Board!

I used to be in the army!
Well, cadets!

- I used to be a paratrooper!
- Really?

Didn't I Rodney??

Well you've made a few drops
in your time Del.

I don't know how you could do it. I've got these
friends back home who belong to a hang-gliding club.

Oh, yeah hang-gliding, well
I love all that.

They're always asking me to
try but just the thought of it terrifies me.

There's nothing to it. No,
I used to free-fall from 20,000 feet.

No.

Yeah, I didn't used to
open my chute 'til I saw the tops of the trees.

- Oh God.
- At night.

You also had your feet tied
together and a hand over one eye, didn't you!!

- One night my chute didn't open at all!
- What happened?

I had a bad landing! But fortunately
they teach you to fall properly! It was alright.

You know it's funny but I've always imagined
paratroopers to be...Well, taller!

Yeah well, he used to be six foot one,
but like he said, he had a bad landing!

Thank you, thank you very
much Rodney for your observations.

Get out in the kitchen and
put the kettle on will yer?

Oh no, no. I've got to
be going.

Listen, I'll walk you home,
eh?

No, no, no Rodney, you can't
do that.

You can't stand around street corners with your face,
the traffic'll be waiting for you to change to green!

No listen, I'll
give you a lift home.

Oh that's nice of you Del.

L'etat c'est moi! As the
French would say.

What else could I do for a charming
lady?

Why thank you kind sir!

Not at all. I'll just go
and get the keys shall I?

I'm going, I'm going.

Well, it's been really nice
seeing you again after all this time.

Oh I've enjoyed it so much.
You know - shopping and meeting old friends.

Yeah, what time you off
tomorrow?

I get the 10 o'clock train
from Waterloo.

I've got to be home by 12,
I'm meeting those friends I was telling you about.

What, the hang-gliders?

- I'll just get me jacket.
- Yeah.

Why don't me and Del
drive you home tomorrow?

I couldn't ask you to do
that!

No, no, we'd like it. We'd
have a nice day in the country!

Del'll jump at the chance.

And I was thinking, it's Del's 46th
birthday soon and I'd love to give him a real surprise.

- D'you know what his ambition is?
- What?

To hang-glide! Well, you know,
being the old ex-paratrooper it's only natural innit?

So d'you reckon your mates could arrange for
him to have a little flight?

No problem, they'd be delighted.

Oh that'll be great!
I can't wait to see his little face.

It'll be our little secret
though, eh?

Sure, oh me bag.

Yes, I can't wait to see
his little face.

What?

You want me to go up on one
of them wing things?

No, no, no, not today darling,
you see I'm not in the mood.

You can't wait to get up there can you?
I can see it in your eyes!

Really?

Andy, come over here and meet
some friends of mine.

I'd like you to meet Del
and Rodney.

- Oh, nice to meet you.
- Watcha son.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Sorry, it's just that you
look sort of flushed.

No, no, it's alright.
It's just his great-grandad was a Comanche.

Well, Lisa tells me you used
to be a paratrooper.

Well it's many, many years ago
now like, you know what I mean?

Well, I've done a bit of free-falling myself, nothing
in your calibre of course, but it was great fun.

Yes, triffic!

Well, whenever you're ready
Del.

No, no, no, it's alright, I don't wanna spoil
your fun Andy, I'll stay here and just watch, eh.

Listen to me Derek Trotter.

I've arranged all this specially for you!
It's my way of saying thank you for the lovely meal last night.

I wish you could have seen
it Andy.

Hang around and you might!

Andy doesn't mind you borrowing
his equipment, do you?

No, no, it's a pleasure.
And we've got some great thermals today.

Thermals? Oh what a shame,
I'm just wearing me ordinary Y-fronts.

No, no, thermals, you know, warm air.

He's just having you on!

Oh I see! We'll get everything ready then.

Yeah, okay.

What am I gonna do?

I don't know! Dear oh dear,
oh dear, oh dear, hat a pickle!

I mean really, it's a bit of a shame you
ever said you was a paratrooper.

I wish I'd kept my bloody
mouth shut.

What's that Andy want to go sticking
his hooter into my affairs for eh, eh?

Well he thinks he's doing
you a favour, don't he?

I'm gonna land him a doughboy right round the
lug hole before he's much older!

What am I gonna do Rodney? I can't tell 'em
I'm scared can I, eh, eh?

No, no, you'd make yourself look a right dipstick
in front of everyone.

You don't fancy having a little
fly then?

No I do not. I prefer to keep
my feet firmly on the old terra-cotta!

I'll tell 'em
I'm not feeling very well!

Eh, you can't do that!
A Green Beret with an headache!

This is one little problem you're
gonna have to work out on your own Del, innit?

See Rodney, now listen to me.

I know we haven't been seeing eye to eye for the
last few days, but listen to me,

we are brothers
after all, ain't we?

I mean it's blood! It's like Uncle Albert said,
brothers shouldn't fall out over a woman.

Didn't he, eh?Come on.
What d'you reckon? Eh Rodney, eh?

You're right Del! No, you're right.
I mean it's stupid arguing, innit?

You know it makes sense,
don't you eh?

Come on, help me out of this mess Rodney, please.
Come on, any ideas? Anything? Eh?

Alright, alright we'll just
have a look at the problems, right.

On the one hand
right, you don't want to fly!

But on the other hand
you want to keep your pride intact?

- Of course I do.
- Right, right, I've got it.

You pretend to be dead keen
to get up in them old clouds right!

You put on all the gear, put yourself
in the glider thing,

then at the last minute I come
over from the van,

rushing up and say we've had an
urgent call come through on our car-phone.

That's brill innit eh?
But we ain't got a car phone, have we Dopey?

We ain't even got a ruddy
car, look.

Who's gonna know any
different?

And then I say you've gotta rush back to
London immediately, right,

and you act all disappointed, you go
'Oh no, but what can you do?'

Then we're in the van and
we're away!

Oh yeah, good boy. Well
done Rodders, well done.

Listen, you are gonna stay
here though aren't yer?

- I'll be right here, mate.
- Good boy, good boy.

Hey Andy, come on then, hurry up,
I'm getting a bit impatient to be off ain't I?

He don't know does he?

Everything alright?

Oh yeah, beautiful darling,
beautiful.

Now do you remember everything
I told you about controlling the glider?

Yeah, don't worry Andy, it's all up there.
Down there for dancing.

What d'you reckon, all the thermal and all that
alright up there Andy?

No, no, it's one of the best
days of the year.

- That was exactly what I thought.
- Well, whenever you're ready Del.

Ah right, cushty.

- You're switched on...
- Yeah, it's all working, yeah.

Is that our phone I can
hear ringing Rodney?

I said is that our phone
I can hear ringing?

- Are you sure?
- Yeah. We ain't got a carphone!

Get up as high as you can Del.
You might get a tan.

I will get you for this
Rodney, just see if I don't.

Are you going Del?

Yeah I'm going...
Oh my good Gawd! Oh bloody Hell!

They do this for fun? Oh Gawd,
please let me get down safely.

Please God, let me get down from here.

What's he doing?

Well, where's he going?
I told him to stay close to the ridge.

- Why, what's over there?
- He's heading out to sea.

Get that down you! He's been missing for 12 hours!
12 hours, that's nearly half a day!

I know, I've got a GCE in
Maths, haven't I?

- Shall I answer it son?
- Yes please.

- Watcha Dave.
- Watcha Trig.

You alright?

Yeah, I'm fine, this is nothing!
Have they found him?

- Yeah... They found him Dave!
- Eh. Where?

He crashed into a television
transmitter in Redhill.

They rushed him to the local
hospital. X-rays and that.

They tried to phone his next of kin - but they couldn't
get through, so they phoned the pub.

Me and Mike got a
cab out there.

We'll see you for the fare son.

Na, that's alright. We got a
Green Line back.

But what happened? Has he
broken anything?

Well they reckon the aerial's
beyond repair.

I mean Del,
how's Del?

You'd better ask him yourself Dave.

See you got home safely then
Rodney?

- Yeah. Are you alright Del?
- Is he winding me up or what?

No, no, he's just a bit concerned that's all Del.
Here, are you alright?

I'm fine!!

So what did the hospital
say son?

They said...

They said I may never walk again!

Rodney, Rodney, my brother, I know that in your
heart of hearts you never meant to disable me!

And I just want you to know I
won't hold it against you.

Alright.

Alright, what I meant was, I'm sorry
I let you lay under our home-solarium all that time

and made you go a bit red.

I suppose, alright, this is my
punishment, innit?

Spend the rest of my life in
this wheelchair!

Still, it could have been
worse Del!

How?

My gran had one with a
squeaky wheel!

This is all a bit sick innit?
I mean, you might fool these three, but not me bruv!

What do you mean Rodney?

Oh come off it Del!

Two pina coladas then you'll put on
your Eric Clapton LP and you'll be up jiving won't ya?

I don't believe this!
I don't believe what he's doing to me!

He's torn my world in
half and now he's having a pop at me!

You're right out of order
son!

Oh listen to me. Hospitals
do not send home paralysed people by bus!!

What is it you are after Del, sympathy
from Lisa or a disabled sticker for the van, eh?

You listen to me you vicious
little git! I may never walk again for the rest of...

Although I must admit, I'm
getting some feeling back.

You should never tell them
sort of lies Del!

You made us go all the way out to Redhill
and there was nothing wrong with you?

Don't blame me, it was him.
I just wanted to get my own back on this plonker.

Yeah, but when you fancied a smoke on the bus
you made me carry you up to the top deck.

Don't blame me! Don't blame me Trig!
Just blame him!

Rodney, I was up there three hours!
Three bloody hours!

I did the
loop-the-loop over Dimchurch.

Little kids were shouting at me,
'There goes a spaceman, a spaceman.'

Finally, just when I'd given up hope
I clattered into an aerial thing

and fell 50 foot to the ground.

It was only by the grace of God that I
landed on something soft.

Yeah, I noticed the bruising
around your head.

It was not my head! I landed on a very unfortunate
and very unsuspecting courting couple.

You're kidding?

No, I wish I was.

Due to your vicious mind and general wallyness,
they've had to put their wedding back six months.

I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra

and that's regardless of what
Radio Rentals are gonna do me for for the aerial!

Would it help if I said I'm sorry?

No it would not!

Talking of weddings, that reminds me.
Lisa has invited you to hers.

Well that's all I need innit, eh?
That's another trip down to bleedin' Hampshire...

Lisa's getting married?

Yeah, in a couple of months, that's what she came up for -
to buy herself a wedding dress in Oxford street.

This is all a bit sudden
innit?

No. She's been engaged for
over a year - some geezer called Andy.

That's a bit of good news
Trig!

Here, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll open the
pub and we'll have a little celebration drink.

Yeah nice one Mike. You
coming Albert?

Yeah I'll be there son.

I suppose you two will be
joining us?

So she was engaged all the time!

What a couple of wallies!

Subtitles by NVL