Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 4, Episode 4 - It's Only Rock and Roll - full transcript

Yes, so we're definitely rehearsing tonight?
Eight o'clock down the hall!

Right, will the rest of the group be
there? Oh great man!

Oi Ringo!

I hope that all my huffing and
puffing ain't interrupting you!

Eh? No! It's no sweat man!

Well it's certainly not coming
from you, you lazy little git!

Charlie I've gotta go. Look,
I'll see you later on, alright.

- Rehearsing with the group tonight!
- Group! You're a drummer who's got no drums!

No - well, it's early days yet!

I don't know why you waste
your time with that bunch of wallies for.

They're not a bunch of wallies!
Anyway, you haven't heard us play yet.



I don't need to! I mean, look
who yer lead singer is, Mental Mickey!

Oi, there's nothing wrong with
Mickey Maguire!

Nothing wrong! He bit a
bloke's ear off once, that's all.

Not all of it!

Well, before you become deeply
involved in any musical argument with Mental Mickey,

make sure you're wearing a bullet-proof balaclava!
Let's get this stuff in the van.

What we bought anyway?

Well, it's obvious innit,
sausages! Talking dolls, innit.

I mean what sort of stock is it? Bankrupt, fire damaged,
water damaged, soiled or just plain hooky?

It's none of them Rodney!
These are near-perfects!

- Near-perfects! So what's wrong with 'em?
- Nothing.

Well, if there's nothing wrong
with 'em why aren't they called 'perfects'?

It's just a bit of legal jargon used by the insurance
company to save on paperwork that's all.

Don't worry about it.



That's easy for you to say, but I'm the one who has to go
down the Arndale Centre and flog these things,

I mean, look at the aggro I had at
Christmas with them cricket bats!

'Each one personally autographed by Viv Richards!'

And each one was personally
autographed by Viv Richards!

Alright, it wasn't the Viv
Richards!

No, it was Davey Richards' eldest sister!
I had nothing but comebacks on that!

No, you'll be alright with these things. I mean have a
look, take a look, can you see anything wrong with 'em?

No, it looks alright!

Alright! This is Taiwan's
finest Rodney! This is quality par excellence this gear!

We'll pick the rest of 'em up
after dinner. G'on, jump in the van.

What's up Doc?

- What?
- I thought you said something!

Oh! You know, I reckon this
group of mine could go places.

And the sooner the better if
you ask me.

We're styling ourselves on
Frankie Goes to Hollywood!

You dozy little twonk Rodney.
You bang again on the roof of my van like that

and it won't be Frankie Goes to Hollywood,

it'll be Rodney goes to hospital.

- Bloody hell Del, I said I'm sorry, didn't I?
- You will be if I get a headache.

'The wind is blowing, the snow
is snowing...'

- Oi, get your thieving hands off!
- I weren?t feeling all that well, Del.

You'll feel even worse if I
catch you at my Courvoisier again.

What's all the big hurry then?

I've just heard a very interesting
bit of news down the pub.

Er, listen have you ever heard of the Shamrock Club,
over at Deptford? The Paddies' Moulin Rouge!

That place? I've read about it
in the local paper!

Well, their resident band the Dublin Bay Stormers had a bit
of a ruck last weekend and they're all banged up on remand!

So?

So - what is it next Sunday?
It's St Patrick's night innit!

Their biggest earner of the year and the
Shamrock Club ain't got a band! But I have!

You don't mean young Rodney
and that bunch of wallies?

They can't do all that Mother
Macree stuff!

Listen, you don't know Rodney
that well.

He's a very talented little lad, they'll
love him!

They'll tear him limb from
limb.

No they won't. The worst he'll
get is a red nose!

- Still, it's got nothing to do with me!
- No, that's right!

- I'll keep my opinions to myself!
- Good.

- It don't seem right though!
I mean it's not fair!

Nor's Frank Bruno's arse but
he don't keep on about it!

Hello, Shamrock Club? Could I
speak to Liam please? Yeah, Derek Trotter.

It's Del Boy. How are you pal? Triffic, er listen,
I just heard the tragic news about the Stormers!

Oh, the bloody laws in this country,
diabolical ain't they, oh yeah.

How are you fixed for a
band on Paddies night?

Well this is it, I mean, where do
you find a good band these days?

There's a lot of cowboys about!

What's what noise? Oh that?
Well, that's what I'm phoning you about you see.

I'm down here at the community hall and there's a group of
youngsters on the stage rehearsing...

Keep it down will you lads? I'm on the blower,
er...hold on Liam, I'll close the door.

There we are now, we can hear ourselves speak!
Do what? Yes they sound a lot like the Bachelors!

In fact that's who they model themselves after...

Well, there's some good news
and there's some bad news here Liam.

The bad news is they're expensive!
It's 300 sovs I'm afraid.

But the good news is they're free
on St Paddy's night! Yes alright.

- He wants to think about it.
- That shouldn't take long should it?

No, no, no, Liam you carry on old son, you take
all the time in the world. I've got plenty of time.

Oi, close the door will yer!

Well you won't go far wrong with these boys, no, no.
You know it makes sense.

There is one thing...they, not me,
they, you understand insist on cash in advance!

Alright, I'll tell you what
old son, I'll pop down in about an hour.

Alright, pal.

The family used to tell stories about you and yer 'business
activities'! I never believed 'em up until now!

- Get in, get out and don't look back, that's my motto!
- I can't wait to tell young Rodney the good news!

Er, listen you keep quiet. This is gonna be a...
it's a surprise!

Oh, it's nothing to do with me
Del! I just hope I don't let it slip out!

No that would be very unfortunate wouldn't it?

Oh, I tell you what, would
you like a nice large brandy in there Uncle Albert.

That's nice of you son, thank you! Might as well leave the
bottle here, save me having to keep on getting up!

Have a nice evening - you
blackmailing old bark!

- Come on Rodney! Give us some cymbals.
- Cymbals?

Oi, oi, oi, what's he doing here?

I just come down to listen to
you lads. Don't mind do you?

You just come down on the wind
up didn't yer?

Au contraire Rodney.
Au contraire! In fact I'm very impressed.

He sounds in very good voice,
does young Mental Mickey.

I don't like people calling me that!

I'm so sorry, I'd better put my hands
on me ear-lobes!

Why don't you piss off down
the pub Trotter?

Oi, oi, watch it. This is our community hall. Anyone's
entitled to walk in here! Come on then, let's hear you!

- Yeah, come on. He's not gonna put us off!
- Yeah, right! One, two, three...

- Oi, oi, Rodney I do the one, two, three, fours!
- Sorry Mickey, forgot!

One, two, three, four...

Hold on, hold on, where d'you
learn to count, Rampton?

I ain't never been to Rampton. Who started them
rumours about me being in Rampton?

- Alright Mick, take it easy !
- I've never been to Rampton!

I've been to Broadmoor, once
or twice, but that's not the point.

- Carry on.
- One, two, three...

Oi, I told you once Rodney, I'm not gonna
tell you again son. I do the one, two, three, four.

- Hold up, hold up.
- What is it now??

Well I am very surprised!

I came down here expecting you bunch of wallies,

to sound like a cat being doctored
without anesthetic! But you're good!

You're very good! Alright you're not quite up to the
standard of Spanner Ballet or Duram Duram!

There's something about your music that I like!
It's well it's got something!

I only hope it ain't catching!

If this is all a build-up, some very funny joke, will you
just tell us all now and stop wasting everyone's time!

It's no joke Rodney, I mean
it! I'm very impressed, very!

Bravo, bravo! Of course, you realise that you're gonna flop
like a jelly on a wet mattress, don't you?

Oh yeah, why are we gonna flop?

Because you're undisciplined! You ain't going to
go nowhere till you get yer act together!

Yeah? Well my mate's cousin's works for a record company
and he reckons he could get us a contract!

And my mate's a doorman down at Chelsea,
but he can't get me a bloody game can he?

Na, you're still rough around the edges.
I mean, why don't you take a butcher's at yerselves.

You look like something the cat
dragged in - then dragged out again!

Trotter, shut it, we like looking like this.
We're Marxist Trotskyite anarchists!

- Yeah!
- Are we?

- So why do you want to be superstars then?
- 'Cos we wanna be rich Marxist Trotskyite anarchists!

Well, not too rich!

No, just a little bit rich!
Money ain't everything!

No, but it certainly takes the
sting out of being poor though don't it?

Strikes me you need someone to steer you in the
right direction you know. Look after yer interest.

What you need is a manager!
No hold on, hold on! Don't look at me...

Cause the bloke who becomes your manager,
he's gotta buy you new equipment.

New drums, new guitars new set of speakers!
Cost an arm and a leg!

- I thought you said we were good!
- You are good! You're natural, you've got raw talent!

Oi, Trotter you don't wanna put your money
where yer mouth is though, don't you?

You think I'm not the kind who
would back me instinct?

You know me. He who dares wins!

But, well, the fact of the matter is,
the funds are a bit tight at the moment.

You're enough a wallie Trotter.

Yeah yeah! We've heard it
before.

Alright! You win! I will be your manager!
I'll get you bookings, you see if I don't!

- What about the instruments?
- I'll get that as well!

Don't listen to him! We'll probably end up
with the chuck-aways from some Boy Scouts' band!

All yer instruments and equipment'll be brand new!
Write down what you want, I'll get it for you!

I'm gonna make an investment in you lads. This time next
year we're gonna be millionaires! I can see it now.

Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall, the Hollywood
Bowl! The revolutionary new sound: Pop Protest!

You don't know any of the Bachelor
numbers, do you?

It doesn't matter! Well, you carry on rehearsing!
'Cos I'll get this show on the road.

Come on then - let's hear ya,
your manager has spoken!

- Yeah right! Here we go then, one, two, three...
- I do the one, two, three, four!

- Put down the table Pat!

What about Mental Mickey?

He's happy enough!

Let's make sure I've got all
the details.

The stolen items consist of two guitars,
two speakers, and a set of drums.

- Here?s one of your sticks, it's a bit oily.
- Cheers! D'you reckon you'll catch 'em?

Shouldn't have too much
trouble!

We'll just go around the clubs till we find a rock
'n' roll band with a one-armed drummer.

I need you don't I! I mean I
really need you.

- What's all this other stuff doing here?
- Er - we collect things!

Funny sort of things to collect ain't
they?

Yeah well, er, everyone's
gotta have a hobby ain't they!

Extrerminate, exterminate!

Good afternoon Officer, can I
be of any assistance?

They've had the drums, guitars, everything!
I locked that door last night Del, I swear to you I locked it.

- Alright Rodney, alright. Nevermind, not to worry.
- What d'you mean not to worry?

All our equipment's been nicked!

Well, that's not quite true!

Er Rodney, would you like to nip outside to make sure
I switched the engine off on the van?

Oh! Well you see, actually these
items haven't been stolen Officer,

A van came round early this
morning and took them back to the shop!

You see I know the owner of the shop. and he let me have them
on what is called sale-or-return basis!

I see. Do you enjoy wasting police time, eh?

Hold on, I didn't know we had
'em sale or return!!

- It's my fault, I didn't tell him! I'm sorry.
- Right! About all this other stuff here...

Excuse me Officer, but when I came around just now

I saw a couple of kids trying to remove
the front wheels on your Panda car!

- They what?? I might be back to see you!
- I can't wait!

What do you think you're playing at,
inviting the bloody Old Bill round here?

What am I playing at??

You told me you'd bought that equipment
and all the time you had it on sale or return.

You just set us up didn't you?

We've earned 300 sovs, right, and we didn't
acyually pay out for any equipment! Brilliant innit!

Brilliant? Del we nearly had
our heads smashed in!

I didn't wanna play the Shamrock Club!
None of us wanted to play the Shamrock Club!

But we played it Del because you said it was
our first step on the road to stardom! We believed you!

Well you must be bigger
plonkers than you look!

You didn't honestly believe all that rubbish
that you and them wallies

were destined for the Albert Hall,
Carnegie Hall ?

The only hall you were destined for,
is sod all, that's what!

But as it happened you made 150 quid

so think yourself lucky,
and anyway you can still carry on with the group.

No I can't. We had an artistical disagreement!
Look what that Mickey tried to do to my ear!

The vicious little git! Now I'm gonna sort him out.
What was the row about?

They accused you of setting us up!

They said you'd only done it for a one off earner and to
get rid of the suits you've had in here since 1975!

The way some people's minds work!

What do you mean? They were right!! But I defended you!
I mean, stood there and defended you!

And d'you know why? 'Cos you're my brother - and
I don't like to hear people rubbishing you!! That's why.

- Still works does it?

It was only a pipe-dream Rodney!

At least I had a dream Del -
it's more than I've got now.

Come on Rodders, you didn't really think you
were gonna go nowhere did you?

I mean just takea look at them
other three!

They had about five and half brain cells between them,
and one of them was on the blink! I tell ya.

That show business lark -
they're all Stoke-on-Trent aren't they.

You have to watch yer old deaf
and dumb in that game Rodney!

Look, why do you always try and
stop me in everything I do?

Who, me?

You always sticking yer
oar in and mess things up for me!

- Sometimes I get the feeling that you're scared!
- Scared, me scared? Scared of what?

Scared of me becoming a success! You're terrified
that one day I might just make it - on my own!

That is like a knife in my
heart that Rodney!

There is nothing that I would like more than to
see you become someone!

Have a nice Capri Ghia and all
that! I remember what Mum said on her deathbed.

She said to me, 'Del,' she said, 'Please give
little Rodney all the encouragement that you can!

- Never Del, never hold him back!'
- She didn't 'alf say a lot on her deathbed.

- What?
- Whatever the subject is?

Mum had something to say about it
on her deathbed!

She must have spent her final few hours in
this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting!

You are walking a bleedin'
tightrope here Rodney!

No hang on. Right, remember last week
we were having a row

about whose turn it was to go
down the chippy, yeah?

And you claimed that Mum said on her
deathbed, 'Send Rodney for the fish!'

Yeah, well, I'd had a few hadn't I?

You tried something
and it didn't work.

Nevermind, look.
You've got 150 beer vouchers!

Come on, cheer up!

- We've got to go down the market this afternoon!
- Triffic!

Oh, come on now Rodney,
listen, it ain't all bad news!

On one hand you've
just had your hopes and dreams dashed!

On the other hand, I've got a van
load of hooky Maltesers! Come on let's go...

Alright Monk, I'll come straight with you, look,
I've had these dolls for about a week

and I haven't sold one yet! If you take a
chance I'll take a loss, I can't be fairer than that!

Would I lie to you? Alright,
I'll see you around Monk!

At number 26. Four guys from South London. This is
Boys Will Be Boys from A Bunch of Wallies!

Maybe old Trig could knock some out down the council
depot. Oh shut up. Bloody noise, I can't think!

I don't believe it! It's
that bunch of wallies!!

What do they think they're doing??
They're on Top of the Pops!!

You know that old bird who works down the laundromat,
the one who's after...What's wrong?

Nothing Rodders! Alright fine.
Wanna cigar?

Sorry, you was saying,
what was you saying?

I wound her up, right, I said that Uncle Albert wants
to take her to the old folks', beano on Thursday.

- Took her right in it!
- I like it!

- Are you sure everything's alright?
- It's triffic Rodders, couldn't be better mate!

- Hey, Top of the Pops in on!
- Yeah, but the telly's broke!

- I'll watch it on the black and white one then!
- That's broke as well!

Well it's got to be the fuse in the socket!

No, I tried that! They're both broke!
I'll have to get a firm in - naus innit, eh?

Oh well, I might as well
give Albert the good news!

Go on. He's in his room.

Uncle Albert.

Hello son, you alright?

He'll go bloody divvy when he finds out!

You wanna act yer age you interfering little...
Can't you have a word with him Del?

He's only come in there to annoy
me! I don't wanna go on no old folks' beano!

Well don't go then, don't go!
Listen, I'm off out - don't mention it to Rodney!

I doubt if he'd wanna go with you anyway,
he's watching Top of the Pops on the portable.

They're in the charts.

So they're in the charts.
Marque de Fabrique, as they say.

They could go to number one!
They could have a smash hit on their hands.

Alright, so you have a smash hit on your hands.

You might not have another one
for the rest of your life!

I always said they could make
it, and you convinced me they couldn't.

That's always been your trouble Rodney,
you're too easily swayed!

- And what about me, eh? I was their manager!
- I'm gonna stick this right up your jacksy!

Subtitles by NVL