Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 4, Episode 3 - Hole in One - full transcript
The Trotter's have fallen on hard times, largely due to Rodney's £500 investment in suntan lotion during one of the worst winters ever seen. To make things worse, the deep-fat fryer they sold to Mike, landlord of The Nag's Head, i...
The Paki shop won't let us have
nothing on tick! Says it's part of his culture!
Don't think it's got anything to do
with the 46 quid we already owe 'em do you?
Funny enough he mentioned that!
- Still, it's got nothing to do with me!
- That's right!
The moment you suggested going
down the auction and buying on yer own,
I knew there'd be trouble!
But I won' say nothing on the matter Rodney.
Good!
They must have seen him coming!
- Good morning Uncle.
- Oh, morning Del.
The Paki
won't let us have no breakfast.
That's alright, I haven't much
felt like eating, recently.
- What's the weather like out?
- It's parky Del!
- Good, good! Nice thick frost is there?
- Bit slippery underfoot, yeah!
- Triffic. Lots and lots of flecks of snow in the air is there?
- Yes, bit of sleet Del, yeah.
Oh cushty! Nice northerly wind
howling in from the Urals is there?
Cuts right through you Del!
Lovely!! Because today Uncle Albert,
owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCEs,
while all them other plonkers down the
market are selling woolly hats and thermal under-wear
we're gonna make a right killing. Do
you know why we're gonna make a killing?
We ain't got woolly
underwear.
We've got sun tan lotion!! And
we ain't got just a little drop of sun tan lotion!
We've got 500 bloody quids worth of the stuff.
I've told you I bought it as
an investment!
An investment! Menage a trois!
In the middle of the worst
winter for two million years -
with the weathermen laying odds on a new Ice Age ?
this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire!
The weathermen are also forecasting
a boiling hot summer!
So come May or June we can sell
all of that or swop it for something else!
- Like 50 or 60 anoraks maybe!?
- You won't give me any credit, will you?
- Nor will that Paki!
- Oh shut up Albert!
It's nothing to do with me!
That five hundred quid that you squandered on this stuff
was the last of the company's capital!
And how was I supposed to know that?
How were you supposed to know
that? You're the firm's accountant you wally!
Throwing that at me now are you?
Oh, look at that, we've got
nothing to sell and no money to buy with!
It can't be that bad Del!
There must be something you can knock out?
Yeah, I know what I would like to knock out.
- What's in the van?
- Nothin'!
- What's in the garage?
- The van!
The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that
electric deep-fryer to the guvn'r at the Nag's Head ?
and I'm waiting for a comeback on that!
It's him, ain't it? I mean, ever since he come to live
here we've had nothing but bad luck!
- What's he on about now?
- Oh I don't know.
Alright, what about the time
he was in the navy!
Every single ship he ever sailed on
either got torpedoed or divebombed!
Two of them in peacetime!
Del, that man is a jinx!
Oh leave it out Rodney! Gordon
Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!
I went down and ordered Grandad's headstone
the other day! Beautiful thing it is!
It's got all angels and things round it and it's got
this great big eagle with a scroll in its foot!
Of course, I think I'll have to cancel
that now!
That'll cheer 'em up down at the plastics factory
won't it, eh?
They've gone and bought all the fiberglass
and everything!
Something's bound to turn up
Del! He who dares, eh?
If you say so Rodney, if you
say so.
I was reading in the Sunday papers
about them fellas
what pick up with these rich old widows
- what they call 'em - toy boys!
You wanna see the stuff they pick for presents.
Solid gold watches, sports cars - money!
Might be worth considering!
Well, we both admire your spirit Uncle, but don't you
think you've left it bit late for that sort of thing.
I'm not talking about me! I meant you!
Me?? I'm not selling my body
to some old tart! Thank you.
Not even for the family??
Especially not for the family!
I'm not gonna let myself become some hooker!
Listen Uncle. You came to stay
with us for a couple of nights, about four weeks ago.
So you don't know us very well.
So let me explain something to you you see.
You see, you can't expect Rodney to go
and do something like that!
I mean even I wouldn't expect
Rodney to do something like that!
- I suppose it was too much to ask! Sorry Del.
- That's alright!
I mean, Rodney can't even give
it away let alone flog it!
'Ere you are, look, stick that
on the windscreen, will you.
Couldn't we sell this and get
something more useful?
- Like what?
- Like a bus pass!
I ain't in the mood Rodney,
I'm just not in the mood!! Alright.
Be handy if one of them was to
accidentally fall in our direction wouldn't it, eh?
- Leave off Del!
- You've got nowhere to hide it!
- Yeah, well, that's what I meant.
- I suppose you're right. Come on.
Hello Mike. How's that deepfryer Del sold you?
I want a word with you Trotter!
Yes, yes, of course Michael!
I'll be in the office!
- What are you trying to do to me??
- I don't know Del Boy!
Del, I've just had a thought
where we could hide one of them barrels.
Yeah, where?
In his mouth!
That's enough, thanks Mike.
Come on darling, I ordered
chicken in a basket 'alf hour ago!
- What you waiting for, the egg to hatch!
- It's not my fault! Our deepfryer's on the blink!
- Ain't customers stupid, eh?
- Put it like that, I suppose they are!
Here you are, come on, get that
down your neck, a small rum.
- Just to keep the cold out Del!
- Make the most of it, could be your last!
I've been thinking!
Oh leave it out Rodney, we're
in enough trouble as it is.
Hang on, right, now look, when
I was studying for my GCE in Maths, right
I had to learn to do cross-canceling equations.
The idea is, you list all your problems
and then eradicate them using a process of elimination,
thus discovering the solution!
That's what I've been doing!
G'on then, I'm game. Go on.
One: We are traders who have
nothing to sell, right?
Two: We are traders who have
no money to buy with. Correct?
I'm gonna smack you right in
the bloody mouth in a minute.
Hang on! Three...
Oh no, there ain't a three! So, the solution
to our problem is thus:
We have to find a way of
making money out of nothing!
Oh, I don't know how we do it,
that's the answer!
And you had to use ink to come to that conclusion??
Stone me Rodney, a Millwall fan could have worked that out!
Don't keep on at me Del, at least I'm trying ain't I,
which is more than I can say for you.
Me, I wasn't the one that spent
500 quid on all that rubbish.
Would you get of my back...
Pack it in you two! Look at
you, you're at each other's throats.
Bloody money, whether you've got too much of it or
not enough, it always causes trouble.
Don't worry, something will turn up, you see.
I'll see you two later.
Yeah, yeah alright.
D'you think we ought to go with
him in case he gets mugged?
Nah, he's skint anyway! Well that's it, ain't it,
I'm gonna have to pawn all the jewellery again!
Honestly these rings they know more about hock than
a German wine taster!
Something's gonna turn up Del!
What, with our luck? If I threw a fiver into the air
it'd come down as a summons!
I don't ask much out of life do
I, eh? Only an 'apenny more than I can spend.
And look at me, look, I'm gutted!
It's all your fault Rodney!
Oh don't start all that again!
Well it is. I mean ever since you were that high
you've done nothing but hold me back!
I held you back??
Yeah, I mean, when Mum died I
should have had you put into care!
I would have been someone by now!
I would have done, I would have probably
had me own penthouse,
and I would have had an Aston Martin
with a telephone an' all that.
Well, I'll tell you something Del. You'd have been
doing me a favour if you'd had put me into care!
'Cos at least then I might have got a proper job
when I left school,
instead of humping your old suitcase all
over London!
But you didn't wanna leave
school did you?
If it'd been up to you, you would have been
there drawing your old age pension.
I only wanted to stay there
while I got GCEs in Maths and Art!
And a lot of good they done
the firm!
The only time your GCE has come in handy was that
time when I asked you to count them tins of paint!
- What the bloody hell's that?
- You don't think it was that deep-fryer do you?
I'm not gonna stay to find out.
Come on, let's look lively! Come on.
- Del.
- Yeah, won't be a minute love.
- Yeah, we've just got to...
- It's your Uncle Albert!!
- What about Uncle Albert?
- He's fallen down our cellar! Quick.
Fallen down the cellar...
- Well??
- No, no, no, Del the old neck's gone.
No, no, no, I mean, what happened??
I don't know! I just looked up
- and there was Albert plummeting towards me!
- Hold on, where is he??
- Oh he's over there somewhere!
How the hell did he get over
there?
He hit the plank and bounced! He went through the air
like one of them springboard divers!
Cor my neck don't 'alf hurt, Del!
Your neck! Your neck.
Uncle Albert nearly ends up in a Jumbo's flightpath, and all you
can think about is your rotten Gregory!! Oh come on.
- Are you alright?
- I'm a bit shaken and dazed Rodney!
It's probably jet-lag! Come on,
get him onto his feet Rodney. Come on, up you come.
Fancy leaving an open cellar door unguarded.
I've got a good mind to sue the brewery!
Yeah, put yer arm around Rodney's.
Sue the brewery?
Put him down. What the hell
d'you think you're doing?
Del, you just said pick him up.
Yeah, I know what I just said
but you don't know what sort of damage he's done!
He might have broken something!
Yeah he has! About four dozen
bottles of Guiness! Come on Del.
There's nothing wrong
with him. He said so himself.
Yeah, but how does he know
that? How does he know that?
He might have hit his head and got
percussion!
Look, the first thing to do in first aid is
never move the victim, right?
You'll have to move me soon
Del, the last bell's just gone!
See that, he's got ringing
sounds in his ears!
This is even worse than I thought
Rodney.
Quick nip upstairs and get on the telephone,
yeah, phone for a solicitor!
A solicitor?? Del you can't sue!
You don't wanna put money on it
do you?
Him falling down that hole could be the biggest
bit of luck we've had in years.
But Del, if he'd hurt himself
there'd be little signs - wouldn't there ?
like blood and pain!
His hat ain't come off.
How's that alright.
Don't give us all that Quincy cobblers Rodney!
You don't know how bad I am!
You see, you don't know how bad he is.
Now quick whip upstairs and phone Solly Attwell!
You'll find his number in the Yellow
Pages. Go on, look lively.
Solly Atwell's our solicitor.
Bloody 'ell, he's more bent than the villains!
That's the sort of man we need
in a case like this, a specialist!
G' on then, get on the blower!
You don't mind if I phone for
an ambulance first, do you?
Ambulance! Ambulance! Good thinking.
That'll look great on the report!
Well done, Rodney. Go on, away you go.
The old brewery are gonna pay
through the nose for this.
I told you something'd turn up,
didn't I Del?
That's alright Uncle, you just
conserve yer oxygen. That's right.
Uncle - Albert - did I hear
you groaning in pain?
- No!
- Well why not?? Come on.
I'm afraid it's bad news Derek,
I'd brace yourselves if I was you!
According to this medical report and the X-ray they took
...there's nothing wrong with him!
There's gotta be something wrong with him!
He was none too clever before he fell down the hole!
Sorry Del Boy! Not a mark, scratch, abrasion or bruise!
He must have landed on something soft.
Yeah he did, the landlord!
If I were you Del Boy I'd
accept the brewery's offer.
What offer??
Their solicitors phoned me today.
To save any adverse publicity they're willing to
settle out of court for 2,000 pounds.
- Two grand??
- Take the money Del.
No, I wanted more than that!
I wanted enough money to set us up proper.
Wait a minute, if they're willing to settle for 2,000 pounds
out of court, think what they'll settle for in court!
- But Del, there's nothing wrong with him!!
- Well it ain't my bloody fault is it??
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please!
Now perhaps we should look at the case from another angle.
I mean we've only been considering
the physical damage!
But what about this!
We ain't gonna get a lot for
his bloody hat are we!
No, I mean his - his mind
Derek! Psychological injuries!
Will the court swallow that?
If you three say the right
things they will.
Hey listen, there was a case in America
where this chap fell down a manhole and,
like your Uncle, he sustained no physical
injuries.
Yet her successfully sued the Los Angeles City
council for thirty million dollars!
- Thirty million!!
- He claimed the accident had ruined his sex life!
At that rate we'll get one
pound seventy five.
We're not claiming anything
like that!
I'm just giving you that as an example of how these
'unseen' injuries can mount up in the old compo stakes!
Now, look at the facts as I see them.
An elderly man who fought bravely for his country,
sailing the seven seas,
insuring that Britain never, never,
never shall be slaves
has had his retirement -
his few well earned years of rest,
ruined by the negligence of a multinational company!
An active man struck down by the thoughtless
action of this mammouth, rich corporation!
The bouts of amnesia, the fear of the outside world and,
most distressing of all, losing the use of his legs!
Sit! Right, that's it, do the bizzo Solly! Alright listen,
I want no Mickey Mouse magistrates!
I want the High Court, I want a pukka brief -
you know black cape, crowntopper, all the Xs, alright?
Right Solly?
I'll set the wheels in motion.
I shall need a list of witnesses.
No, see, there weren't no witnesses!
- Will ten do?
- Lovely!
Now Mr Trotter, you were standing outside the Nag's
Head public house when this tragic accident occurred?
...Yes!
- You saw the incident clearly?
- Yes!
- Would you tell the court what happened.
- My uncle fell down a hole!
Yes! Would you tell the court
how he fell down the hole.
...Em...well, it was...
Like that!
No, no Mr Trotter! Did he trip,
did he stumble?
No. Well, he sort of walked
and then fell down the hole!
- Didn't he see the warning notice?
- There was no warning notice.
- Wasn't he stopped by the guard rail!
- There was no guard rail either.
I see! No warning notice, no guard rail!
Sounds very dangerous to me!
Yes! I can remember thinking to myself at the time,
'That's rather dangerous! Someone could fall down that!'
And how right you were! So,
you ran straight down to the cellar?
Yes!
- And were you the first person to find your Uncle?
- Yes!
- What did he look like?
- Horrible!
Would you please tell the
court, are you related to the plaintiff?
No, no I just drink in his pub!
- That little one there is me Uncle!
- Quite!
I saw it all your worship, utter negligence ?
a complete disregard for public safety...
Yes, yes, quite! Mr Frazer, I don't think we need concern
ourselves any further with the accident itself!
I believe liability has been proved
quite - quite conclusively!
Much obliged to your honour!
Let us move on now to the after-effects of the accident.
Has your Uncle changed in any
way since this happened?
Do what? Oh yeah - oh yeah.
He's a completely different man now!
I mean he used to be so active! You know it was
full of swimming, sponsored walks, marathon.
You know, well they used to call him the
Jimmy Savile of Peckham!
Well, he was always out and about,
you'd rarely find him in!
And now?
Well, now he is like the Olympic flame ?
he never goes out your lordship. Locked in his room,
he' - he's frightened he might fall
down another hole!
And how has the gradual loss
of feeling in his leg affected him?
Well, how would it affect you
Captain?
I mean, one minute, you know he's there doing his
acrobatics to his Dizzy Lizzy LP,
and then the next minute he has to ask us whether or
not he's got his shoes on!
But I mean, the worstest, the worstest thing of all is your
honour is these sudden bouts of amnesia.
You know, they have led to him having some very
nasty falls.
I fail to see the connection.
How can amnesia cause one to fall?
He keeps forgetting he can't walk!
I have no further questions
m'lud.
- Mr Gerrard?
- No questions your honour.
You may stand down Mr Trotter.
Stand down? I've only just
started. I've got loads more I could tell you!
That will be all Mr Trotter,
thank you.
Alright Mike.
How we doing Solly?
We're home and dry. This could
be a ten grander coming up here!
Mr Frazer, do you intend
calling any more witnesses?
- I have no further witnesses m'lud.
- Mr Gerrard?
Just one your honour. I call
the plaintiff, Albert Gladstone Trotter.
I thought you said they
wouldn't call him?
I said 'we' wouldn't call him!
Look don't worry, I've already briefed him.
Any awkward questions he just claims loss
of memory!
Loss of memory! Knowing him
he'll forget!
Take the book in your right
hand and read the card.
There's no need to stand Mr
Trotter. Please remain seated.
Thank you your worship. I swear to tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth.
You are Albert Gladstone Trotter, presently residing at
368 Nelson Mandela House, Dockside Estate, Peckham?
I think so sir.
Yes. I'll make this as brief as possible Mr Trotter, I
realise how distressing this must be for you.
Do you have any recollection
of the accident?
Very little sir. One minute I was walking along, on me way
to post me entry form for The Krypton Factor.
Anyway, next I was falling through the air!
All me life flashed before me!
The battle of the River Plate,
the sinking of the Graf Spee, raid on Telemar.
- Silence that man!
- Sorry your honour!
After that it's all a blank.
Me memory keeps going, see.
Have you ever suffered with
amnesia before?
I can't remember.
I see! But you can remember the war! After all, you have
all your ribbons there to remind you.
- Where were you based Mr Trotter?
- I was overseas sir.
Really, how odd!
I looked into your naval record and it seems
that you spent the best part of the war
stationed in a storage depot
on the Isle of Wight! Hardly overseas!
You wanna try walking it pal!
I also noticed Mr Trotter that in May, 1944,
you were one of several naval ratings,
seconded to a Marine parachute unit,
specially formed for missions behind enemy lines.
I believe you were involved in
laundry matters!
But whilst with this unit you underwent
basic parachute training.
Would you tell the court what
this training consisted of?
Em...jumping off of things!
'Jumping off of things!' In other words,
learning to fall without injuring oneself!
My memory ain't what it used
to be your worship.
I sympathise Mr Trotter and
intend to help you as much as I can.
Tell me, could you possibly be the same Albert
Gladstone Trotter who, in 1946,
fell down the cellar of the Victory Inn, Portsmouth,
and received one hundred pounds compensation?
I can't remember that far back sir.
Well, let's try a more recent case then. Could you be the
same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1951,
fell down the cellar of the Coach and Horses,
Peckham Rye,
- and received a 225 pound out of court settlement?
- Me mind's a blank!
Maybe you were the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1949,
fell down the cellar of the Crossed Keys off-licence, Gravesend?
How about the Thatched Inn, Canning Town, or
does the Brunswick Club, New Cross, ring a bell?
I don't believe it!
It's a bloody nightmare Rodney, it's a bloody nightmare!
He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin.
I don't believe it! I do not believe what that
garrity old git has done to us!
I mean, the only hole he hasn't fallen down
is the black one in Calcutta!
What is it the insurance
companies nicknamed him?
- The ferret!
- The ferret!
He's had 15 previous lawsuits
for falling down holes!
Those are the known cases
Rodney!
I mean, how many times has the landlord settled out
of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro?
Alright, come on, how many pubs, off-licences
and drinking clubs have you done in your time?
Well, quite a few Del! The
first cellar I fell down was genuine - honest!
But 'cos I'd learnt to fall properly I didn't hurt myself ?
but I still got compensation out of it
and I thought 'This is handy!'
So, whenever me and yer Grandad was hard up for a
few bob well I'd go'n fall down a hole! I was only tryin' to help.
Only tryin' to help? I was
nearly done for contempt of court.
His name's been sent to the director of public prosecution
and Solly and the brief look
like they're gonna get defrocked!
And you were only tryin' to help!!
I said I'm sorry Rodney! I didn't wanna do it!
I mean, I'm past all that stunt-man lark!
But you two have been good to me
these past few weeks.
And I wanted to get some money to -
well - repay you.
And I wanted to get yer Grandad his
headstone.
You did it for Grandad's headstone?
He was my older brother Del.
When I was a kid he used to look after me.
I never did anything for him - never had the
chance to - until now! Sorry boys!
Alright,
don't worry about it Uncle Albert.
Come on Rodney, let's get Ironside home!
- It's turned out nice innit boys?
- Triffic!
I'd better knock out some of
that sun tan lotion, eh?
'Ere just a - just a minute why
am I pushing you? You can walk you lazy old sod!
Oh yeah, I forgot!
Oh had another little bout of
amnesia, eh Del!
Now don't you start all that blackout nonsense
with me Uncle 'cos it won't wash!
Subtitles by NVL
nothing on tick! Says it's part of his culture!
Don't think it's got anything to do
with the 46 quid we already owe 'em do you?
Funny enough he mentioned that!
- Still, it's got nothing to do with me!
- That's right!
The moment you suggested going
down the auction and buying on yer own,
I knew there'd be trouble!
But I won' say nothing on the matter Rodney.
Good!
They must have seen him coming!
- Good morning Uncle.
- Oh, morning Del.
The Paki
won't let us have no breakfast.
That's alright, I haven't much
felt like eating, recently.
- What's the weather like out?
- It's parky Del!
- Good, good! Nice thick frost is there?
- Bit slippery underfoot, yeah!
- Triffic. Lots and lots of flecks of snow in the air is there?
- Yes, bit of sleet Del, yeah.
Oh cushty! Nice northerly wind
howling in from the Urals is there?
Cuts right through you Del!
Lovely!! Because today Uncle Albert,
owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCEs,
while all them other plonkers down the
market are selling woolly hats and thermal under-wear
we're gonna make a right killing. Do
you know why we're gonna make a killing?
We ain't got woolly
underwear.
We've got sun tan lotion!! And
we ain't got just a little drop of sun tan lotion!
We've got 500 bloody quids worth of the stuff.
I've told you I bought it as
an investment!
An investment! Menage a trois!
In the middle of the worst
winter for two million years -
with the weathermen laying odds on a new Ice Age ?
this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire!
The weathermen are also forecasting
a boiling hot summer!
So come May or June we can sell
all of that or swop it for something else!
- Like 50 or 60 anoraks maybe!?
- You won't give me any credit, will you?
- Nor will that Paki!
- Oh shut up Albert!
It's nothing to do with me!
That five hundred quid that you squandered on this stuff
was the last of the company's capital!
And how was I supposed to know that?
How were you supposed to know
that? You're the firm's accountant you wally!
Throwing that at me now are you?
Oh, look at that, we've got
nothing to sell and no money to buy with!
It can't be that bad Del!
There must be something you can knock out?
Yeah, I know what I would like to knock out.
- What's in the van?
- Nothin'!
- What's in the garage?
- The van!
The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that
electric deep-fryer to the guvn'r at the Nag's Head ?
and I'm waiting for a comeback on that!
It's him, ain't it? I mean, ever since he come to live
here we've had nothing but bad luck!
- What's he on about now?
- Oh I don't know.
Alright, what about the time
he was in the navy!
Every single ship he ever sailed on
either got torpedoed or divebombed!
Two of them in peacetime!
Del, that man is a jinx!
Oh leave it out Rodney! Gordon
Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!
I went down and ordered Grandad's headstone
the other day! Beautiful thing it is!
It's got all angels and things round it and it's got
this great big eagle with a scroll in its foot!
Of course, I think I'll have to cancel
that now!
That'll cheer 'em up down at the plastics factory
won't it, eh?
They've gone and bought all the fiberglass
and everything!
Something's bound to turn up
Del! He who dares, eh?
If you say so Rodney, if you
say so.
I was reading in the Sunday papers
about them fellas
what pick up with these rich old widows
- what they call 'em - toy boys!
You wanna see the stuff they pick for presents.
Solid gold watches, sports cars - money!
Might be worth considering!
Well, we both admire your spirit Uncle, but don't you
think you've left it bit late for that sort of thing.
I'm not talking about me! I meant you!
Me?? I'm not selling my body
to some old tart! Thank you.
Not even for the family??
Especially not for the family!
I'm not gonna let myself become some hooker!
Listen Uncle. You came to stay
with us for a couple of nights, about four weeks ago.
So you don't know us very well.
So let me explain something to you you see.
You see, you can't expect Rodney to go
and do something like that!
I mean even I wouldn't expect
Rodney to do something like that!
- I suppose it was too much to ask! Sorry Del.
- That's alright!
I mean, Rodney can't even give
it away let alone flog it!
'Ere you are, look, stick that
on the windscreen, will you.
Couldn't we sell this and get
something more useful?
- Like what?
- Like a bus pass!
I ain't in the mood Rodney,
I'm just not in the mood!! Alright.
Be handy if one of them was to
accidentally fall in our direction wouldn't it, eh?
- Leave off Del!
- You've got nowhere to hide it!
- Yeah, well, that's what I meant.
- I suppose you're right. Come on.
Hello Mike. How's that deepfryer Del sold you?
I want a word with you Trotter!
Yes, yes, of course Michael!
I'll be in the office!
- What are you trying to do to me??
- I don't know Del Boy!
Del, I've just had a thought
where we could hide one of them barrels.
Yeah, where?
In his mouth!
That's enough, thanks Mike.
Come on darling, I ordered
chicken in a basket 'alf hour ago!
- What you waiting for, the egg to hatch!
- It's not my fault! Our deepfryer's on the blink!
- Ain't customers stupid, eh?
- Put it like that, I suppose they are!
Here you are, come on, get that
down your neck, a small rum.
- Just to keep the cold out Del!
- Make the most of it, could be your last!
I've been thinking!
Oh leave it out Rodney, we're
in enough trouble as it is.
Hang on, right, now look, when
I was studying for my GCE in Maths, right
I had to learn to do cross-canceling equations.
The idea is, you list all your problems
and then eradicate them using a process of elimination,
thus discovering the solution!
That's what I've been doing!
G'on then, I'm game. Go on.
One: We are traders who have
nothing to sell, right?
Two: We are traders who have
no money to buy with. Correct?
I'm gonna smack you right in
the bloody mouth in a minute.
Hang on! Three...
Oh no, there ain't a three! So, the solution
to our problem is thus:
We have to find a way of
making money out of nothing!
Oh, I don't know how we do it,
that's the answer!
And you had to use ink to come to that conclusion??
Stone me Rodney, a Millwall fan could have worked that out!
Don't keep on at me Del, at least I'm trying ain't I,
which is more than I can say for you.
Me, I wasn't the one that spent
500 quid on all that rubbish.
Would you get of my back...
Pack it in you two! Look at
you, you're at each other's throats.
Bloody money, whether you've got too much of it or
not enough, it always causes trouble.
Don't worry, something will turn up, you see.
I'll see you two later.
Yeah, yeah alright.
D'you think we ought to go with
him in case he gets mugged?
Nah, he's skint anyway! Well that's it, ain't it,
I'm gonna have to pawn all the jewellery again!
Honestly these rings they know more about hock than
a German wine taster!
Something's gonna turn up Del!
What, with our luck? If I threw a fiver into the air
it'd come down as a summons!
I don't ask much out of life do
I, eh? Only an 'apenny more than I can spend.
And look at me, look, I'm gutted!
It's all your fault Rodney!
Oh don't start all that again!
Well it is. I mean ever since you were that high
you've done nothing but hold me back!
I held you back??
Yeah, I mean, when Mum died I
should have had you put into care!
I would have been someone by now!
I would have done, I would have probably
had me own penthouse,
and I would have had an Aston Martin
with a telephone an' all that.
Well, I'll tell you something Del. You'd have been
doing me a favour if you'd had put me into care!
'Cos at least then I might have got a proper job
when I left school,
instead of humping your old suitcase all
over London!
But you didn't wanna leave
school did you?
If it'd been up to you, you would have been
there drawing your old age pension.
I only wanted to stay there
while I got GCEs in Maths and Art!
And a lot of good they done
the firm!
The only time your GCE has come in handy was that
time when I asked you to count them tins of paint!
- What the bloody hell's that?
- You don't think it was that deep-fryer do you?
I'm not gonna stay to find out.
Come on, let's look lively! Come on.
- Del.
- Yeah, won't be a minute love.
- Yeah, we've just got to...
- It's your Uncle Albert!!
- What about Uncle Albert?
- He's fallen down our cellar! Quick.
Fallen down the cellar...
- Well??
- No, no, no, Del the old neck's gone.
No, no, no, I mean, what happened??
I don't know! I just looked up
- and there was Albert plummeting towards me!
- Hold on, where is he??
- Oh he's over there somewhere!
How the hell did he get over
there?
He hit the plank and bounced! He went through the air
like one of them springboard divers!
Cor my neck don't 'alf hurt, Del!
Your neck! Your neck.
Uncle Albert nearly ends up in a Jumbo's flightpath, and all you
can think about is your rotten Gregory!! Oh come on.
- Are you alright?
- I'm a bit shaken and dazed Rodney!
It's probably jet-lag! Come on,
get him onto his feet Rodney. Come on, up you come.
Fancy leaving an open cellar door unguarded.
I've got a good mind to sue the brewery!
Yeah, put yer arm around Rodney's.
Sue the brewery?
Put him down. What the hell
d'you think you're doing?
Del, you just said pick him up.
Yeah, I know what I just said
but you don't know what sort of damage he's done!
He might have broken something!
Yeah he has! About four dozen
bottles of Guiness! Come on Del.
There's nothing wrong
with him. He said so himself.
Yeah, but how does he know
that? How does he know that?
He might have hit his head and got
percussion!
Look, the first thing to do in first aid is
never move the victim, right?
You'll have to move me soon
Del, the last bell's just gone!
See that, he's got ringing
sounds in his ears!
This is even worse than I thought
Rodney.
Quick nip upstairs and get on the telephone,
yeah, phone for a solicitor!
A solicitor?? Del you can't sue!
You don't wanna put money on it
do you?
Him falling down that hole could be the biggest
bit of luck we've had in years.
But Del, if he'd hurt himself
there'd be little signs - wouldn't there ?
like blood and pain!
His hat ain't come off.
How's that alright.
Don't give us all that Quincy cobblers Rodney!
You don't know how bad I am!
You see, you don't know how bad he is.
Now quick whip upstairs and phone Solly Attwell!
You'll find his number in the Yellow
Pages. Go on, look lively.
Solly Atwell's our solicitor.
Bloody 'ell, he's more bent than the villains!
That's the sort of man we need
in a case like this, a specialist!
G' on then, get on the blower!
You don't mind if I phone for
an ambulance first, do you?
Ambulance! Ambulance! Good thinking.
That'll look great on the report!
Well done, Rodney. Go on, away you go.
The old brewery are gonna pay
through the nose for this.
I told you something'd turn up,
didn't I Del?
That's alright Uncle, you just
conserve yer oxygen. That's right.
Uncle - Albert - did I hear
you groaning in pain?
- No!
- Well why not?? Come on.
I'm afraid it's bad news Derek,
I'd brace yourselves if I was you!
According to this medical report and the X-ray they took
...there's nothing wrong with him!
There's gotta be something wrong with him!
He was none too clever before he fell down the hole!
Sorry Del Boy! Not a mark, scratch, abrasion or bruise!
He must have landed on something soft.
Yeah he did, the landlord!
If I were you Del Boy I'd
accept the brewery's offer.
What offer??
Their solicitors phoned me today.
To save any adverse publicity they're willing to
settle out of court for 2,000 pounds.
- Two grand??
- Take the money Del.
No, I wanted more than that!
I wanted enough money to set us up proper.
Wait a minute, if they're willing to settle for 2,000 pounds
out of court, think what they'll settle for in court!
- But Del, there's nothing wrong with him!!
- Well it ain't my bloody fault is it??
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please!
Now perhaps we should look at the case from another angle.
I mean we've only been considering
the physical damage!
But what about this!
We ain't gonna get a lot for
his bloody hat are we!
No, I mean his - his mind
Derek! Psychological injuries!
Will the court swallow that?
If you three say the right
things they will.
Hey listen, there was a case in America
where this chap fell down a manhole and,
like your Uncle, he sustained no physical
injuries.
Yet her successfully sued the Los Angeles City
council for thirty million dollars!
- Thirty million!!
- He claimed the accident had ruined his sex life!
At that rate we'll get one
pound seventy five.
We're not claiming anything
like that!
I'm just giving you that as an example of how these
'unseen' injuries can mount up in the old compo stakes!
Now, look at the facts as I see them.
An elderly man who fought bravely for his country,
sailing the seven seas,
insuring that Britain never, never,
never shall be slaves
has had his retirement -
his few well earned years of rest,
ruined by the negligence of a multinational company!
An active man struck down by the thoughtless
action of this mammouth, rich corporation!
The bouts of amnesia, the fear of the outside world and,
most distressing of all, losing the use of his legs!
Sit! Right, that's it, do the bizzo Solly! Alright listen,
I want no Mickey Mouse magistrates!
I want the High Court, I want a pukka brief -
you know black cape, crowntopper, all the Xs, alright?
Right Solly?
I'll set the wheels in motion.
I shall need a list of witnesses.
No, see, there weren't no witnesses!
- Will ten do?
- Lovely!
Now Mr Trotter, you were standing outside the Nag's
Head public house when this tragic accident occurred?
...Yes!
- You saw the incident clearly?
- Yes!
- Would you tell the court what happened.
- My uncle fell down a hole!
Yes! Would you tell the court
how he fell down the hole.
...Em...well, it was...
Like that!
No, no Mr Trotter! Did he trip,
did he stumble?
No. Well, he sort of walked
and then fell down the hole!
- Didn't he see the warning notice?
- There was no warning notice.
- Wasn't he stopped by the guard rail!
- There was no guard rail either.
I see! No warning notice, no guard rail!
Sounds very dangerous to me!
Yes! I can remember thinking to myself at the time,
'That's rather dangerous! Someone could fall down that!'
And how right you were! So,
you ran straight down to the cellar?
Yes!
- And were you the first person to find your Uncle?
- Yes!
- What did he look like?
- Horrible!
Would you please tell the
court, are you related to the plaintiff?
No, no I just drink in his pub!
- That little one there is me Uncle!
- Quite!
I saw it all your worship, utter negligence ?
a complete disregard for public safety...
Yes, yes, quite! Mr Frazer, I don't think we need concern
ourselves any further with the accident itself!
I believe liability has been proved
quite - quite conclusively!
Much obliged to your honour!
Let us move on now to the after-effects of the accident.
Has your Uncle changed in any
way since this happened?
Do what? Oh yeah - oh yeah.
He's a completely different man now!
I mean he used to be so active! You know it was
full of swimming, sponsored walks, marathon.
You know, well they used to call him the
Jimmy Savile of Peckham!
Well, he was always out and about,
you'd rarely find him in!
And now?
Well, now he is like the Olympic flame ?
he never goes out your lordship. Locked in his room,
he' - he's frightened he might fall
down another hole!
And how has the gradual loss
of feeling in his leg affected him?
Well, how would it affect you
Captain?
I mean, one minute, you know he's there doing his
acrobatics to his Dizzy Lizzy LP,
and then the next minute he has to ask us whether or
not he's got his shoes on!
But I mean, the worstest, the worstest thing of all is your
honour is these sudden bouts of amnesia.
You know, they have led to him having some very
nasty falls.
I fail to see the connection.
How can amnesia cause one to fall?
He keeps forgetting he can't walk!
I have no further questions
m'lud.
- Mr Gerrard?
- No questions your honour.
You may stand down Mr Trotter.
Stand down? I've only just
started. I've got loads more I could tell you!
That will be all Mr Trotter,
thank you.
Alright Mike.
How we doing Solly?
We're home and dry. This could
be a ten grander coming up here!
Mr Frazer, do you intend
calling any more witnesses?
- I have no further witnesses m'lud.
- Mr Gerrard?
Just one your honour. I call
the plaintiff, Albert Gladstone Trotter.
I thought you said they
wouldn't call him?
I said 'we' wouldn't call him!
Look don't worry, I've already briefed him.
Any awkward questions he just claims loss
of memory!
Loss of memory! Knowing him
he'll forget!
Take the book in your right
hand and read the card.
There's no need to stand Mr
Trotter. Please remain seated.
Thank you your worship. I swear to tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth.
You are Albert Gladstone Trotter, presently residing at
368 Nelson Mandela House, Dockside Estate, Peckham?
I think so sir.
Yes. I'll make this as brief as possible Mr Trotter, I
realise how distressing this must be for you.
Do you have any recollection
of the accident?
Very little sir. One minute I was walking along, on me way
to post me entry form for The Krypton Factor.
Anyway, next I was falling through the air!
All me life flashed before me!
The battle of the River Plate,
the sinking of the Graf Spee, raid on Telemar.
- Silence that man!
- Sorry your honour!
After that it's all a blank.
Me memory keeps going, see.
Have you ever suffered with
amnesia before?
I can't remember.
I see! But you can remember the war! After all, you have
all your ribbons there to remind you.
- Where were you based Mr Trotter?
- I was overseas sir.
Really, how odd!
I looked into your naval record and it seems
that you spent the best part of the war
stationed in a storage depot
on the Isle of Wight! Hardly overseas!
You wanna try walking it pal!
I also noticed Mr Trotter that in May, 1944,
you were one of several naval ratings,
seconded to a Marine parachute unit,
specially formed for missions behind enemy lines.
I believe you were involved in
laundry matters!
But whilst with this unit you underwent
basic parachute training.
Would you tell the court what
this training consisted of?
Em...jumping off of things!
'Jumping off of things!' In other words,
learning to fall without injuring oneself!
My memory ain't what it used
to be your worship.
I sympathise Mr Trotter and
intend to help you as much as I can.
Tell me, could you possibly be the same Albert
Gladstone Trotter who, in 1946,
fell down the cellar of the Victory Inn, Portsmouth,
and received one hundred pounds compensation?
I can't remember that far back sir.
Well, let's try a more recent case then. Could you be the
same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1951,
fell down the cellar of the Coach and Horses,
Peckham Rye,
- and received a 225 pound out of court settlement?
- Me mind's a blank!
Maybe you were the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1949,
fell down the cellar of the Crossed Keys off-licence, Gravesend?
How about the Thatched Inn, Canning Town, or
does the Brunswick Club, New Cross, ring a bell?
I don't believe it!
It's a bloody nightmare Rodney, it's a bloody nightmare!
He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin.
I don't believe it! I do not believe what that
garrity old git has done to us!
I mean, the only hole he hasn't fallen down
is the black one in Calcutta!
What is it the insurance
companies nicknamed him?
- The ferret!
- The ferret!
He's had 15 previous lawsuits
for falling down holes!
Those are the known cases
Rodney!
I mean, how many times has the landlord settled out
of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro?
Alright, come on, how many pubs, off-licences
and drinking clubs have you done in your time?
Well, quite a few Del! The
first cellar I fell down was genuine - honest!
But 'cos I'd learnt to fall properly I didn't hurt myself ?
but I still got compensation out of it
and I thought 'This is handy!'
So, whenever me and yer Grandad was hard up for a
few bob well I'd go'n fall down a hole! I was only tryin' to help.
Only tryin' to help? I was
nearly done for contempt of court.
His name's been sent to the director of public prosecution
and Solly and the brief look
like they're gonna get defrocked!
And you were only tryin' to help!!
I said I'm sorry Rodney! I didn't wanna do it!
I mean, I'm past all that stunt-man lark!
But you two have been good to me
these past few weeks.
And I wanted to get some money to -
well - repay you.
And I wanted to get yer Grandad his
headstone.
You did it for Grandad's headstone?
He was my older brother Del.
When I was a kid he used to look after me.
I never did anything for him - never had the
chance to - until now! Sorry boys!
Alright,
don't worry about it Uncle Albert.
Come on Rodney, let's get Ironside home!
- It's turned out nice innit boys?
- Triffic!
I'd better knock out some of
that sun tan lotion, eh?
'Ere just a - just a minute why
am I pushing you? You can walk you lazy old sod!
Oh yeah, I forgot!
Oh had another little bout of
amnesia, eh Del!
Now don't you start all that blackout nonsense
with me Uncle 'cos it won't wash!
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