Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 4, Episode 5 - Sleeping Dogs Lie - full transcript

No, no, no, no, everything's cushty! Yeah, no, no,
you've got nothing to worry about.

You know me, I'll do
anyone a favour if the money's right, yeah.

- You have to interfere don't yer?
- I was merely trying to get a picture for yer!

I had a picture till you come
in and started mucking around with the aerial!

There was a ghost on the screen!

Course there was a ghost on the screen - I was watching an
'orror film! Just leave things alone will yer Rodney!

D'you realise there are nigh on
four million people unemployed in this country!

And all you can do is sit there and watch
horror films!

- What would you like me to do?
- Well...You could at least think about it!

I've been thinking about it,
that's why I want to watch the horror film.

Oi, 'old on, shut up you two
will yer, I'm on the blower. Yes, sorry, go on.



Course I blame it on computers!

I mean, how many people have been put on the dole
by robots that can build cars and what ave yer?

That's why I'll never get a proper job! 'Cos they
can train a robot to do some-thing better than I can!

They could train a chimpanzee
to do it better than you!

Yeah, okay, I'll see yer
tomorrow morning about eleven o'clock.

That's it Rodney. I've got a coup.
I've pulled off a genuine coup.

Oh, not another coup! What you
done this time?

We have got someone coming to
stay with us for the next couple of weeks. A paying guest!

- Yeah? Who's that then Del?
- It's not a 'who' it's a 'what'.

What?

Exactly, it's a dog! And I
don't want any of your smart remarks either.

It's Boycie's and Marlene's puppy!

They're going away on holiday tomorrow
and they want us to look after it.

Why don't they just stick it in kennels?



You see Marlene don't trust
'em! See, the thing is Rodney,

for the last few years Boycie
and Marlene have been trying to start a family right,

but so far, as they say on the
continent, nito!

So what's this gotta do with
their puppy?

Marlene started getting broody, right, so old Boycie.
He goes and buys her a little puppy for Christmas.

I mean pukka thing you know, no mucking about,
it's got a pedigree. Cost him 600 quid, 600 quid.

Well I said to him, I said, you know
Boycie, if you'd come to see me like,

- I could have got you one much cheaper.
- Cheaper like, you know what I mean?

Anyway, Marlene right, she thinks that this puppy is her
baby now, you know what I mean,

and she don't want her baby put in some muddy old
kennels. She wants it to receive personal attention!

The sort that we can provide!
For 60 quid a week!

But Del, we don't know nothing about it! Cause
canine welfare, right, that's a specialised profession.

Oh leave it out Rodney! I mean look
all you've gotta do is feed it in the morning, right,

take it for a walk across the
adventure playground and Bob's yer uncle!

- And what if Boycie and Marlene find out?
- We'll have to swear the dog to secrecy won't we!

I meant, what happens if one
of the neighbours tell them?

What are they gonna say?

'We saw Rodney taking your dog every morning and every
evening for a walk!' Well what's wrong with that?

That's exactly what Boycie and
Marlene want us to do innit, eh?

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

What do you mean they saw Rodney taking the dog
for a walk every morning and every evening?

It's just a figure of speech that's all Rodders.

Oh no it ain't a figure of
speech. I know your games Derek Trotter.

No leave it out.

I'll have a headache for the entire flight now!
You were supposed to be here 'alf an hour ago!

No, no, we're on time Boycie!
There must be something wrong with your watch!

- 'Ere, don't wanna buy a decent one do you?
- What from you?? You must be joking!

- Why listen...Hello Marlene my love!
- Hello sweetheart!

- Did you have a nice Christmas?
- Oh triffic yeah.

- I had a dog!
- Yeah, we had a turkey same as every other year!

You two are
as bad as each other!

Marlene, why don't you go an'
get the dog then perhaps we can get going!

Yeah alright, I'll fetch his
food as well.

- I don't like your lipstick Del.
- What?

So where you off to Boycie?

Oh, we're just off for a couple of weeks in the Seychelles!
You ever been to the Seychelles have you?

- Dunno. Have we ever been to the Seychelles Rodney?
- I'd have to check me passport.

- Now you are quite sure you'll be able to look after this dog?
- Of course I will!

Yeah, oh yeah, Del's had lots
of experience!

Right remember, this is not just a dog. This is Marlene's
baby! Sometimes I wish I'd never bought it.

- You didn't tell me it was a Great Dane!
- Didn't I? Must have slipped my mind!

- I thought it was a puppy!
- Gordon Bennett!

- Duke, this is your Uncle Del and Rodney...

- He's lovely ain't he?
- Triffic!

Take him for walkies first thing in the morning, once in
the evening and then again last thing at night.

When it's his bedtime you put a blanket over
him and then you talk to him for a while.

You don't want us to bring his
wind up?

No, he should be alright! And
don't worry, he's housetrained.

But we live in a flat!

In here his vitamin pills. One in the morning,
before break-fast, not after!

Marlene come along for God's sake, we still have
a flight to catch. Come on, kiss him goodbye.

Bye Del, see you soon.

For Gawd's sake, the dog Marlene!

I know Dooky's gonna miss his little Mummy,
and Mummy's gonna miss her little Dookie-Wookie Wookie.

- Makes you wanna throw up don't it?
- Yeah, I feel a bit Tom and Dick myself!

- Come on Marlene, we're gonna miss that plane!
- If he bites you, don't scream - he's highly strung!

Is it alright if we bleed?

Oh he doesn't sink his teeth in.
He's only playing!

Bye-bye, bye-bye DookyWookie.

- Did you switch everything off?
- Yes!

- Did you switch the burglar alarm on?
- Yes

- Did you lock everything up?
- Get in the car!

- Jump in!
- After you Del!

- I've got to get the food!
- I'll wait.

Here look at this Rodney.

Steak, chicken breasts, veal escallops!
We're gonna eat well for the next week or so.

It's supposed to be for the dog!

You must be joking! That thing's gonna get a bowl of
Kennomeat every day and think itself lucky.

And what if Marlene finds out?

And how's she gonna find out?
I suppose Duke's gonna grass us up is he?

Come on Rodney! Here, come on,
do some work for a living.

- That dog don't like me!
- He's alright, he can smell fear!

I'm surprised he can smell anything at all
with that gallon of Brut you're wearing!

Come on.

- Your turn today Rodney.
- It was my turn yesterday.

Go on Rodney, take him for a run.

Duke. Duke, here you are then.
Come on, up you get old boy!

Come on look...look...look ready!

Come on Duke shake a leg!

Duke!!

Hello, he's nice, have you had him long? Or has he always
been that length? I'm a Great Dane man meself!

- Really?
- Won Crufts two years on the trot!

Really?

Oh yeah, you might have seen
me on the Chum advert?

I can't say that I actually have!

There's nothing I don't know about dogs.
You want any advice, you know I'm yer man.

Well, Sacha, she's always tearing little holes in my carpet.
What'd you recommend?

A new carpet! As it happens I know this little bloke down
in Wapping Way, he'll fit you up a treat!

He's Iranian but he's
got contracts in Persia!

- Del! Del!
- This is my trainer! What is it Rodney?

I don't wanna worry you but I
think the dog's dead!

Let me re-phrase it shall I?

I don't wanna worry you but I
think the dog is dead! Now come on!

You just can't get the staff these days!

- What have you done to it you dipstick?
- I ain't touched it!

This is a wonderful turn of events innit?

Boycie and Marlene ain't even got the tops of their
suntan oil, and we're burying their dog!

Look!

Dukie. Duke. Come on then! Cats! Cats! Meow.

No, he is not dead Rodney. Look at him, he's breathing look!

Thank Gawd for that! So what's
the matter with him?

Well I don't know do I? We'd
better get him down a vet's!

This is gonna cost an arm and a leg this is!

Oi Del, shall I get his balls?

You leave him alone! I don't
want him waking up in a temper!

What?

I was just thinking, that's all, All these years
Marlene's tried to have a baby and failed.

When you tell her her Dookie-Wookie's
croaked it she'll have twins!

- He is not dead!
- He ain't chasing many cats though is he?

Look, it might be normal!

Normal? Del, what you tryin' tell me?
Dogs hibernate or something?

No, what I mean is. I mean is
I mean...Oh I don't know what I mean do I!

All I want you to know is
I'm not blaming you!

What d' you mean you're not
blaming me? I ain't done nothing!

That's why I'm not blaming you!

When you put Duke in the back of the van
did you catch his head when you slammed the door?

- No I didn't!
- Are you sure?

Del, if you catch a Great Dane's head in a door,
you know you've caught a Great Dane's head in a door!

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

I'll tell you who's to blame
for this. Uncle Albert!

- Why, what did he do?
- He didn't do nothing, he's just a jinx!

Oh don't start all that again.

I've said it before, I'll say
it again. That man is a right Jonah!

They reckon when he boarded his lat ship
the crew shot an albatross for luck!

Will you stop going on about
bloody Albert!

Well it's a bit of a coincidence though innit Del?
I mean, yesterday we pick up a perfectly health dog.

One night in the flat and
'wallop', the curse of the Trotters is upon it!

Everything is gonna be alright,
I've got this feeling! Dookie's gonna be okay,

he'll come out in a minute, and he's gonna be full of
life, full of vim and full of vigour.

I wish I had your faith Del!

Well, what's the SP?

Mr Collis is running a few
final tests. He shouldn't be too long.

- How's Duke?
- He's holding his own.

There are Rodney, he's up to
his old tricks already!

No, you don't understand. Duke is still unconscious!
Look, why don't you sit down and relax.

- Duke is in the best possible hands, I can assure you.
- Yeah, yeah, okay, thanks darling.

I'll tell you what I really feel bad about now?
That leg of pork Marlene put in the bag for Duke.

Well what about it?

Well we ate it last night, didn't we!
Dookie had to make do with a tin of dog food!

Every mouthful of that meal
made me feel more and more guilty.

You should have let me know Rodney you and him
could have swopped! Anyway, he had some of it didn't he?

- What, warmed up left-overs for breakfast!
- I didn't hear Duke complaining, did you?

We even had his steaks for
lunch the other day didn't we?

He's most probably sick
to death of steaks, ain't he?

Has them every day of his life!

Can you now change the subject please?
Bloody steaks and legs of pork!

Can't we talk about something
more...more...you know.

Aesthetical?

You want to...yeah, yeah, sure
you take it away Derek.

Couldn't 'alf give that one,
couldn't you Rodney?

- Doc, what news?
- It's difficult to say. His heart beat is normal.

Is that good?

Of course! All the tests have proved negative,
I'm just awaiting the results of his blood sample.

Have you taken an X-ray?

Yes, yes, there's no sign of any
damage. It's a complete mystery!

Never mind, we'll keep him here
as long as necessary. Where shall I send the bill?

- I got the details here sir.
- How long d'you think it'll take Doc?

Oh, it shouldn't take long,
not if I send it first class.

No, no, no, I don't mean that.
I mean how long will it take for Dookie's recovery!

Oh, I see. Well it will take
as long as it takes Mr Trotter!

All we can do now is keep a close eye on him and let nature
take its course...what have you been feeding him on?

Tins of...

Steak! Steak, best porterhouse
steak for his lunch. Liver for his supper.

Roast pork for his breakfast.
Only the very finest.

He's had his milk, vitamins,
you name it he's had it!

Pork? For breakfast? Was
it freshly cooked pork?

- Yeah, freshly cooked the night before.
- Did you re-heat it thoroughly?

Well, we warmed it up a bit.

You warmed it up a bit!?

I think we may have
solved the mystery,

Were neither of you aware that white meat,
particularly pork, unless thoroughly re-heated,

is a notorious breeding ground for
salmonella poisoning?

Salmonella poisoning!! You
reckon that's what Duke's got?

Well, a strong possibility wouldn't you say?
This leg of pork, have you still got it?

- Not on us!
- No it's at home in the fridge.

Could you bring it in for examination?

Yeah, we'll pop back and get it
right away. Come on Rodders.

Del. The dustmen come round
today. Albert might have slung it!

Oh no, that dozy old git! Can I use your phone?

- If it is this salmonella poisoning, will he survive?
- It depends what strain of salmonella it is.

That's why I need to examine that meat!
How long have you had the dog?

- Oh er, one day.
- One day?

Oh, it's not our dog.
it's a friend's, we're just looking after him!

Albert? It's Del Boy.

Listen Albert about that piece
of pork in the fridge.

Pickles and crusty bread. Sounds lovely.

He's eaten it.

I'll telephone the hospital from my office.
Get him down here as quickly as you can.

Albert, Albert - Uncle Albert.
Now listen to me, listen very carefully.

I want you to do me a favour. I want you to put a
few things in your duffle bag,

put your coat on and go and
stand in the hall and wait for me and Rodders.

We're gonna pop you down the hospital...
You've gotta have an operation!

- He won't have to have an operation!
- A fiver says he does!

Alright, you're on!

What? I know you don't want to have an operation!
Nobody wants to have an operation!

But everyone at some time of their
life has to have one! And today it's your turn!

Now listen...You know that pork you
had for dinner? I know you're gonna laugh at this Uncle...

- A pound he don't!
- You're on.

Well, there's a strong possibility that it contained
sam-and-ella poisoning!

Oi, stop that, stop it, you're a grown man,
pull yourself together,

now listen we're gonna come down and pick
you up in a couple of minutes, now be ready.

Rodney you should have warned
me about this.

Warn you about it
I didn't know myself!

You're the one with GCE's ain't yer?

Yeah. I got a GCE in Maths and Art!
I ain't got a GCE in pork!

We'll pop down and see him tomorrow.
Thank you very much sister.

And... Bonjour mon amour.
Alright.

Ha ha, see what I mean Rodney,
little bit of French knocks 'em bandy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what about Albert?
I take it we can't go and see him tonight then.

Ar no, he's none too clever apparently, I mean you know
and pipes and...gadgets, everything stuck in him! You know.

- Oh well, waste not want not, do you want a grape?
- Yeah. Cheers, bring 'em over here will you.

- Oh did you get in touch with the vet's?
- Yeah. He said Duke was...coma-tose!

Comatose? Well funnily enough I thought of that
when I saw him spark out in the back of the van!

You'd be right Rodney wouldn't yer? 'Cos I bet with this
comatose, most probably sleep is the best thin for him!

Rest, rest and more
rest! Oh did they have to operate on Albert?

- No.
- That's a bit of luck. You owe me a fiver!

- What?
- In the vet's remember?

I said they wouldn't have to operate,
and you said they would! And you laid a fiver on it.

Never mind about that, the phone, go on, the phone,
there may be work there. Look, go on, go on.

- Yeah? Who is it? Boycie... Boycie??
- Where is he? Has he come home early or something?

So where are you phoning from Boyce?
You're still over there? Yeah, Del?

Del's not in at the moment! Oh yeah he's 'ere...
Yeah, OK, put her on. Hello Marlene...

Don't you worry about Duke, he's as happy
as they come! Yeah, get down Duke!

The little rascal, he's jumping all over me!
Most probably recognises your voice, eh Marlene?

She wants Duke to talk to her!

Talk to her!? He's a bloody dog, the scatty mare!
Tell her she can't!

Come on Duke, talk to Mommy.

He's gone running off into the kitchen now Marlene
and there's someone at the door, so I've gotta go, see yer!

Don't mess around with them books.

- Oi, oi! You up to that again are you? Women in uniforms?
- No I ain't.

You wanna watch it Rodney, you're gonna
end up married to an arkela!

- Doctor, sorry, we've come to pick up our Uncle.
- Mr Trotter. The nurse said he might be able to come home.

Oh yes, of course. I'll, er,
I'll just have a quick look at him first.

Last night he underwent some rather ?
thorough examinations...

Yes, so the sister said on the phone!
So was there anything wrong with him!

Not that I could tell!

In fact I just had a phonecall from Mr Collis
at the veterinary clinic.

- Apparently the dog has now made a complete recovery.
- Duke's back on his feet?

Still, you did the right thing to bring your Uncle in.
Better safe than sorry! Okay. Let's go and see how he is...

- Mr Trotter.
- You ain't doing nothing else to me are you?

- No, no, don't worry!
- Alright then?

No I'm not! I was alright yesterday though!
Yesterday I'd never felt better in all me life!

But you had to drag me in here for bloody
Frankenstein to experiment on!

They've had me on me back, on me belly, upside
down, every which way but loose!

Wires, pipes, tubes, bits of string, injections!
And what d'you think they gave me for lunch today?

Roast bleedin' pork!

Oh well, you never miss much
on the telly last night so...

- What was wrong with me?
- Er...nothing!

Nothing?? You mean I've had stomach pumps,
anemones, glucose drips

and students drawing all over my belly with
felt tip pens and there was nothing wrong with me??

Great innit, eh?

I noticed you didn't come and see me last night!
I thought you too were busy visiting that dog?

Fight for yer country, risk yer life in sea and flame,
then you get old and everyone forgets you!

Listen here you silly old s...

...sausage. We couldn't come and visit you last
night 'cos you was under observation!

- Oh, don't give that to me son!
- We bought you some grapes!

- Yeah, where are they?
- We ate 'em!

I see! I lay here last night, tubes sticking out
of every place you can stick 'em in!

Couldn't sleep, pills wouldn't even work,
and all the time you two were eating my grapes!

- Come on, we did miss you last night!
- Did you?

Yeah! We had no-one to spit our pips at!
Come on Del, get him out of here, he's giving me the hump!

Any problems?

No doctor, there's nothing wrong with me!
I feel full of fitness and vitality!

- Good! Well, bye for now Mr Trotter, see you again!
- Not if I see you first shipmate!

Come on, hurry up, we're gonna get you home.

The moaning, miserable old git you...

Don't stop does he? Yeah! I mean,
we got him all that treatment. All for nothing!

And does he think anything of it?
No does he hell!

- Oh by the way. Sister gave me these.
- Why, what's the matter with you?

- No, no. She found them in your Uncle's locker.
- Oh I see.

Patients are not allowed to bring their own medication
into the hospital. Bear that in mind in the future.

What's he doing with these then?
These are Duke's vitamin tablets!

No, they're Albert's sleeping pills.
I've got his vitamins tablets here.

You've been
giving Duke his sleeping pills!

No! They were on the sideboard,
and I just...Albert's been on the Bob Martins?

- No wonder he's full of vitality!
- What shall we do?

- We just don't throw him any sticks!
- Shall we tell him?

No, no, no, it's a bit unfair
after what he's been through!

Yeah, let's tell him!

Look, he's miserable enough as it is isn't he?

He'll probably think he's gonna turn
into a werewolf or something!

We just keep schtum about the whole thing.
and no one'll be any the wiser!

Just keep a very close eye on him
when he goes by lampposts and things!

Come on then Uncle. We'll get you home.
And then Rodney's gonna take Duke out for a run.

Actually you can come as well
if you like Albert?

- What's the matter with you two?
- Nothing, nothing! Well come on.

Come on boy! Come on.

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