One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 5, Episode 5 - Hole in the Sky - full transcript

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

(COUGHING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(CLEARING THROAT)



4291.

Oh, hello, Jean. No, no, just out the back.

Putting Victor's spaghetti vongole
through the incinerator.

No, we've tried putting it in the bin.
The dustmen won't touch it.

Not after last Monday's episode
with the lobster curry.

Said it clogged up their crusher for a week.

Oh! Not the effect it had on me, I can tell you.

Oh, hideous, Jean.

Ever since he bought this seafood cookery book,

every mealtime has been like
The Quatermass Experiment.

Clams exploding in the microwave,
God knows what.

Oh, God, no. I've put a stop to it now,
don't you worry about that.

He won't be trying anymore
of those concoctions, let me tell you.

Anyway, did you get my...



Oh, lovely.

Yes, you can bring it the next time I see you.
Thanks very much, Jean. Bye.

Oh, for God's sake. No, Victor. Now, I've told you.

When did you fish this back out,
for goodness sake?

I've told you I am having no more of it.

I was just going to do a little bit
of poached salmon for lunch.

Nothing complicated.
Nothing that's going to smell.

That's what you said about the squid
in the Stilton sauce

and they had half the road up outside
looking for a gas leak.

Just leave it alone and go and read
your newspaper before I go off my rocker.

(SIGHING)

And anyway, you won't be wanting much lunch
if you're having your meal with Patrick tonight.

Don't remind me.

And you're not backing out of it
so don't start that.

Now that Pippa and I finally got you
to the negotiating table,

you can have a nice bottle of wine
between you and start behaving

like a couple of grown-up human beings
for a change.

Do you hear me?

Have I got these socks on inside out?

Do you hear me?

Yes.

VICTOR: Never again.

As long as I live.

What's happened here?
Not another bloody power cut.

Before you even ask how it went,
I do not want to talk about it.

I've never been so humiliated
in all my natural born days.

Do you know what happened
when we got there, hmm?

Yes, well, I don't want to talk about it.

Bloody Armenian restaurant,
not one of them spoke a word of English.

Can you believe what they did?
Margaret, are you asleep?

Good, 'cause I don't want to talk about it.

(CRASHING)

VICTOR: Bugger it!

Look, I've said I'm sorry.

In any case, whose idea was it
to pick an Armenian restaurant in the first place?

-Yours.
-Oh, was it?

And correct me if I'm wrong,

but it was you that rang up
and asked for a nice, intimate little table

where two people could be alone together
to discuss some personal affairs.

I can't remember if I used those words exactly.

Well, whatever words you used,
one fact remains, doesn't it?

The entire staff and management
were under the hideous impression

that Mr Meldrew and I were secret lovers.

A hypothesis so grisly, it fair curdles the blood.

It was bad enough when they brought us
one bowl of soup with two spoons.

Though, strangely, the full horror of the situation
didn't become clear until the next course

when a long complimentary sausage
arrived at the table,

which we were then forced to nibble
from each end

until our lips met in the middle,
like Lady and the Tramp.

Why didn't you say something?

I'm afraid anything we attempted to say
was largely academic

once the gypsy violinist started serenading us
with Armenian love songs.

It would have been cruel just to tell him
to bugger off,

so we told him to bugger off.

I don't know, there's always something,
isn't there?

PATRICK: Yes.

Although, for maximum embarrassment
it would be hard to top the moment

when the waiter came over
and in front of the entire restaurant,

I can only assume he was attempting to say,
"Do you both love pork?"

And not as it came out in his mangled English,
"Do you both have sex with pigs?"

We did attempt to leave at that point,

not before they'd forced us
to pose for some romantic photographs,

holding hands across the table.

PIPPA: That's quite sweet, really.

Quite sweet?
Have you taken leave of your senses?

Thirty people in that restaurant tonight
think Victor Meldrew and I are sleeping together.

Six inches of brick wall,
that's all that's separating us.

Thank God for a couple of days in the country
at your brother's place.

What time's he expecting us on Friday?

He's coming round in the morning for coffee.
I said we'd firm up the arrangements then.

I shudder to think what dreams
I'm gonna have tonight

about that sausage.

Is that the time?

And we're supposed to be clearing the loft
this morning,

or had you forgotten?

Another few days of disruption to look forward to.

Oh, what the hell has been going on in here?

Oh, Victor, what on earth?

What is it?

When you washed your face in the dark last night,

you opened one of those new little packets
of soap in the bathroom cupboard, did you?

-Yes. why?
-Wrong.

You opened a new little packet
of Tesco's toilet flush.

And it's all over the towel
and the face flannel and the pillow and...

Oh, get up. Look what you've done!

I'm sorry about that.

What are you rushing about for, anyway,
like a bat out of hell?

Because it's 9:30 nearly

and they're coming to start
the loft conversion at 12:00.

That cranky couple of yours,
the McKendrick brothers.

That's if they bother to turn up this time.

They'll turn up, they're generally very reliable.

Don't know what you've got against
the pair of them anyway.

One of them's gone deaf from a pneumatic drill

and the other has an extremely weird
sense of humour.

I think he's very funny.

You would.

Okay, I've got it. Is that everything, then?

No more of Ronnie and Mildred's
Christmas presents up there, are there?

Not that I can see.

(VICTOR LAUGHING) I'd wondered where
you'd gone to!

Remember this?

£5 in a car boot sale.

I was going to try and get it working again,
never got round to it.

As usual.

I'd better look lively.
They said I could have the morning off

but I don't want to push my luck.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, that's good timing.

Morning, Mrs Meldrew.
Bit parky out there today and that's a fact.

Yes. You want to go straight up?

(WHISTLING)

Morning, how are you doing?
We're a little bit earlier than we said.

Yes, well, we're just about finished up there now.

-Say again?
- I think we're just about finished up there now!

Right you are.
Time to make way for the professionals, eh?

MCKENDRICK 1: How are we doing
on that lighting source?

You nearly there or am I going to have to eat
a bag of carrots?

Coming up any second. Hang on.

# There may be teardrops ahead

# But while there's moonlight and roses
And love and romance #

Ah! Oh, shit!

-Oh, my God!
-What happened?

What have you done?

-It just slipped.
-Oh!

Went right through. Oh, God!

Can you pull it out or anything?

I don't know. I'll try but...

Oh, yeah, there we are.

(LAUGHING)

Had you going that time, didn't I, eh?
Should have seen your face.

I thought you were going to have a seizure.

(LAUGHING)

You know, we'll soon have to make a decision
on that paintwork.

I know, I think we've marked up
our choice on that colour chart out there.

Oh, right.

I put some fresh coffee on, by the way.

-Where is it?
-It's in the jug, freshly brewed.

Champion. You want me to pour you one out
while I'm at it?

If you would.

-Did you want it white?
-No, magnolia, I think, is what we both decided.

Okay. We'll get that ordered up for you.

Here you go. It may be a bit full.

Thanks very much, that's fine.

(LAUGHING)

I'm off, then.

You're not going to start barbecuing
a sperm whale or anything today, I trust?

I've got plenty to occupy myself,
thank you very much.

Yes. Evidently.

That's about it for today, Mrs Meldrew.
See you same time tomorrow.

Yes, right!

(MCKENDRICK SINGING)

(THUDDING)

(MCKENDRICK SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

I just caught one of those bloody timbers
on my head.

Oh, yeah.

Must have been a nail sticking out or something.
Oh, shit!

Can't you do any better than that?
It doesn't even look like real blood.

Mrs Meldrew, I'm not joking this time.

I think I'll need an ambulance. Seriously.

Utterly pathetic.

(GROANING)

Oh, God! Here, sit down.

-I'll go and see if we've got some bandages.
-Thank you.

But you needn't bother, I'll use one of these.

Oh, come on, come on. That was a good 'un.

You've got to admit.
Here, this is the same stuff they use on Casualty.

There's a place in London, you can write off for it.

I don't think that's even remotely funny,
Mr McKendrick.

I think it's sick.

Twice in a row I've had her now.
She went white as a sheet.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Turning into bloody Harry Worth now.
What's wrong with you?

What's that?
I didn't know you'd been to the bank today.

I haven't been to the bank.

£80. I've been to the grocer on the corner

and I found this on the floor by the crisp boxes.

-Why didn't you hand it in?
-What, to dodgy Douglas?

Who takes three Smarties out of every tube
so that he can make one extra one?

Pocket it for himself, wouldn't he?

-Well, you're going to go the police with it, then?
-Oh.

Why, nobody's going to go in
and ask if someone's handed in...

four £20 notes.

-Well, you can't just keep it.
-why not?

Well, it might belong to a little old lady,
an old-age pensioner or something.

There's a receipt folded up inside
for a meal at the Peking Palace.

Oh, anybody who could afford to eat there
isn't gonna miss £80.

And I'm hanging on to it.

And if you don't like it, you can lump it.
The pair of you!

I just think...

The pair of us?

In you come. That's the ticket.

Yes.

Now, up you go. Come on. Up.

There we are.

(PHONE RINGING)

You're getting the hang of it now, aren't you? Yes.

4291.

Oh, yes, hang on a sec.

Yes. How do you spell that?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, thank you very much indeed.
That's a big help. Thanks. Bye.

Would you prefer it
if I slept in the spare room tonight?

What's got into you
since you came back from work tonight?

Nothing.

I take it that was them, ringing back?
The Peking Palace?

Yes, I told you it'd be easy enough to trace.

They just checked the bill
against Friday night's table reservations

and it turns out to be a chap called Croker.

Apparently, he lives outside
the town of Cottleswood.

I thought I might pop it over to him
tomorrow night after going to Sainsbury's.

Oh, did you? Fine.

Well, it's only right, isn't it?
I mean, it's... It is his money.

Yes.

Well, I'd better get ready for bed.

If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom
sandpapering my breasts.

-That for the flooring?
-It's not for laying out a coffin, Mr Meldrew.

We got most of it down now.
Then we'll make a start on your rendering.

Only I've got to go out for a few hours,
so if I'm not back...

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Where are they? And don't say they're not in here
because their (BLEEP) van's parked outside.

- I beg your pardon.
-Yes, you!

You bone-idle (BLEEP) layabouts!
Four (BLEEP) weeks ago

you were supposed to come and finish off
my fence and I am still (BLEEP) waiting!

Where do you think you're going?

...don't think you will.

If you had that fence up on time,
they wouldn't have come through

with their football from next door
and had his beak off.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, you think that's (BLEEP) funny, do you?

I'll show you how (BLEEP) funny it is.

(STUTTERING) Excuse me, this is my house
you're fighting in...

Bloody (BLEEP) worthless. I don't see
why I should (BLEEP) have to put up with this.

Don't lose your temper.
You'll only do something you'll regret.

(ARGUING)

-Don't do anything silly up there.
-Don't do anything hasty, Mrs Stewkley.

-Mrs Stewkley!
-Excuse me, excuse me!

MCKENDRICK: I'm sorry about your pelican.
Mrs Stewkley, put that plate down!

MAN: Come on through! I'm just in the shower.

MAN: Everything all right down there?
PIPPA: Yes!

Masses of room in that garage now
since you've had it done.

Oh.

-How are you, darling?
-Relieved, as ever,

to get away from that man.

Are things really that bad between you and him?

I don't know how much longer we're going to last,
the way things are going.

Oh, well, you're here now.
And we're in for the night,

so let's shut the rest of the world out, shall we?

And get you upstairs.

Oh, I know what I meant to ask you.
When I was round your place yesterday,

-I didn't drop any money at all, did I?
-I didn't see any.

There we are.

I thought we'd eat about 8:30
if that's okay with you.

Give you time to settle in, freshen up.

You'll never know, Geoffrey,
what it feels like to be in a normal house

where a man isn't gonna suddenly start
abseiling past your window stark bollock naked.

Without the stench of braised octopus
drifting over your fence.

You know, when we left this afternoon,

I think there was some form
of geriatric acid house party going on.

People effing and blinding about pelicans.

You just had to be there to believe it.

Oh, my God!

You can stay there all night for all I care,
for I've just about had enough of it.

What's it supposed to be this time?

Massive concussion of some kind? Good!

I hoped it's knocked some bloody sense
into your head.

Oh, what's happened here?

Hello, I need an ambulance immediately.

That's very kind, Mrs Meldrew,

but we got our van outside.

Three up to me, I think.

You've got to do better than that, I'm afraid.

Get out of here!

(LAUGHING)

Has he been at it again?

Somehow, I don't think she appreciates
the humour, Laurence.

See you at 9:00, Mrs Meldrew.
Oh, and be careful with that hatch.

We've had to counterweight the steps
with a bag of plaster just until tomorrow, okay?

Yes! Goodbye!

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHING)

This is the life.

Fancy a beer or something?

Oh, you could bring me a small Campari.

(WHISTLING)

Glasses, glasses.

What are you doing here?

You didn't bring me one, then?

-He's in the larder.
-What?

-He's downstairs in the larder.
-who is?

Who?

Who else would be in your brother's larder
at this time of night, sitting on a bag of potatoes?

-Mr Meldrew.
-Is this some sort of joke?

Metaphysically speaking, I suppose, yes.

He had the temerity to ask me
what I was doing here.

The time has come, I think,
to bring in some form of contract killer.

I wonder if they still
advertise them in People's Friend?

(DOOR CLOSING)

God Almighty!

You know what?
It only belonged to her bloody brother next door.

I thought she had gone there for a dirty weekend.

I hid in the bloody cupboard.

Talk about total laughingstock.

You'll excuse me
if I now get seriously and horribly drunk.

What...

What...

(STUTTERING)

What's the matter with you?
Got a splinter in your tongue?

What did...

Splinter in my tongue?

Why on earth
would I have a splinter in my tongue?

I've no idea.

I don't believe you could do a thing like this.

Shame, isn't it?
When someone has a mind of their own.

When you can't control everything they do
like nice, little dumb blondes.

Dumb blonde...

It's only a lump of wood, Margaret. That's all it is.

That hasn't stopped you groping and prodding her

and sticking your head up her skirt
for the last 24 hours.

Have you gone stark raving mad?

Yes, probably. I wouldn't be surprised.

I mean, that's what happens
when you get to my age

and you're not fit for anything anymore.

Yes, I would think
that would just about explain it, wouldn't it?

-Explain what?
-Why I've lost my job!

When did this happen?

Yesterday.

Mr Farmer came in,
said they were closing the shop.

Business wasn't there anymore and that was it.

He said as from 5:00 yesterday afternoon
we needn't bother coming in anymore.

All the flowers that were left over,
they were just going to send up the hospital.

That's why you wanted to keep the money.
why didn't you say?

I couldn't. I didn't...

(SIGHING)

The thought of what's gonna happen to me now.

What I'm gonna turn into.

What are you going to turn into?

You.

Struggling to fill up my days
with mad cookery recipes and playing with dolls.

I was frightened.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, what happened to your idea
about getting drunk?

-Yes, right.
-I'll go and pour us two large ones.

If you don't mind, I'll just pop upstairs
and see how they've done today.

Oh, Victor!

If you're opening up that hatch, he says be careful

because they've just put a bag
of plaster inside the trapdoor to...

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

# And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

# And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #