One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Exterminating Angel - full transcript

Victor gets a job as a chauffeur for wealthy Lewis Atterbury. He saves the first of his employer's cars from being wrecked in a car-wash,only for it to get turned over by some rugby players he has antagonized. He drives the second into Ronnie and Mildred's garage where,unfortunately,nobody has told him the floor had been dug out to combat subsidence. The last one almost comes a cropper due to a bee which has flown out of Victor's dental dressing and then gets flattened by a tank.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

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Unbelievable!

I mean, look at that.



Wandering about in his bedroom
without a stitch on.

Naked as the day he was born.

Talk about being an exhibitionist.

I thought he'd one of those balloon animals
tied to his waist at first.

Well, they've made a complete pig's breakfast
of that new shower.

As I knew they would.

It takes you half an hour
to get the right temperature

and then, if you so much as flush the loo,

it turns into a blast furnace.

Hmm-mmm.

And I thought we bought those glasses
for Ronnie's birthday

when you've quite finished
steaming up the lenses.

I haven't finished wrapping them yet
for Thursday so mind what you're doing.

Yes.



What did I just say?

You said that we... Hmm?

I might as well talk to a tin of spam.

What time's your appointment
with the dentist this morning?

11230.

Thank God for that.

I've seen enough of those temporary crowns
to last me a lifetime.

It's like being kissed good night by Bugs Bunny.

Oh, was there anything in the post,
by the way, about that job?

Just the phone bill.

And a letter from Reader's Digest
saying we've both become millionaires.

I don't suppose I'll get it anyway for one...

Oh, hang on.

He's got one of those little
trampoline things out now.

Surely he's going to put some
underpants on before he starts bouncing.

Oh, I don't...

Look at that!

I don't think I can watch much more of this,
I really don't.

NICK: Good morning, Mrs Meldrew.

Not quite so breezy out here now, is it?

Morning, Mr Swainey.

Your mother's still into her fly-fishing, then?

Yeah, it'll be another five-minute wonder,
I expect.

There's part of you
wants to try and drum it into her

we don't live in that big house
by the river anymore.

It was 10 years ago.

Still, if it gives her pleasure.

- It seems a shame to shatter her illusions.
-That's right.

(BLOWING DUCK WHISTLE)

And it certainly doesn't make things easy.

Of course, we've got the nurse now
who pops around three times a week.

She's an absolute godsend, I must say.

Oh, incidentally, there's something
I've been meaning to ask you, Mrs Meldrew.

We are holding a sponsored silly walk
for dialysis at the end of the week.

I couldn't get you to sign my form,
for say, Sp a mile,

if it's not being too cheeky?

Of course, I'd be glad to.

That's very kind of you. I'll pop it round...

Good morning, Nick. How are you?

Hello, Tania. Very well indeed, thank you.

Good. That's the ticket, then, isn't it?

Right.

We'll sort the other out, then, later on.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah. Bye-bye, Mrs Meldrew.

Bye, Mr Swainey.

(VICTOR HOWLING)

I don't think it's serious.
He was only in there a couple of seconds.

But if you could just give us
your professional opinion.

Victor, this is Tania,
the nurse who looks after Mrs Swainey next door.

Good morning, Mr Meldrew.

-How does it feel?
-Oh.

-Still burning like billy-o, I bet.
-Yes.

Now don't flinch, I'm just going to take
a little look and then... Oh!

Oh, what is it?

I didn't know you could buy these ready minted.

What a great idea!

-Well, at Asda you can.
-Really?

-And, I think, Tesco's do their version.
-Well, I never.

-But I've never seen them in Sainsbury's.
-Yes! Yes! Excuse me!

What about my back?
Will I need a skin graft or what?

Nothing like that, Mr Meldrew.

Your bottom half's a bit red, that's all.

What I'll do is, I'll dab a little something on
to stop the stinging

and you should be fine.

Oh. Ah.

Right.

Well, I'll leave you
and the singing detective here to it, then.

Thank you.

(VICTOR MOANING)

(PHONE RINGING)

4291.

Oh, speaking.

Oh.

Right.

Yes.

Oh, right.

Thank you for letting me know. Bye.

Bad news?

Oh, just a job I went up for last week,
driving a baker's van.

Had about as much chance
as becoming chief rabbi.

Ah!

Mrs Meldrew, I brought that form
for you to fill in for Friday,

-if you're still interested.
-Oh, yes, of course.

Right. Where are we?

How is Mr Meldrew up there? Still suffering?

Not as much as I would've liked. No, but...

Well, let's be reckless and say 20p.

Oh, thank you very much indeed.

Fine, that's me off now then, I think.

Perhaps get a bite to eat somewhere.

Oh, right. Actually, I was thinking
of popping out for some lunch myself,

-in a minute or two.
-Really?

Yeah. Um...

well...

Fine.

Well, uh, hope you find somewhere nice.

-Yes. You, too.
-Yes.

And I'll see you Wednesday, I expect.

-Bye, Mrs Meldrew.
-Oh, bye, Tania. Thanks very much.

-Pleasure. Bye-bye.
-Bye, Tania.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Mr Swainey!

Sorry.

Are you blind?

She was dying for you to ask her out.

When?

Oh, no. I'm afraid I'm not in her league,
someone like that...

Don't be utterly ridiculous.

She was just desperate for you
to make the first move, that's all.

Well, I'd love to believe that, Mrs Meldrew,

but life's never that wonderful, is it?

Anyway, thanks for the sponsorship
and everything.

I'll let you know how we get on
and got to rush now. Bye.

Well, you were a long while. How are they looking?

Very good.

Except for the X-ray of this dodgy one,
down at the bottom.

I've got to go back on Friday now,
for an extraction.

Here, I got most of the things in the shopping list.

It took me ages to find this bloody Polish sherry.

I had to go to 10 different shops.

(PHONE RINGING)

Polish sherry?

Cor. Poland can bloody well keep it.

Oh, and he's forgotten to get my polish.

And I wrote it down plainly in a...

That was an interesting one.

A call from a chap who had heard
I was looking for some work as a driver.

Lewis Atterbury.

Lives in one of those new houses
out near Coblesham by that big military base.

He said if I wanted to pop round this afternoon,

he might be able to put some work my way.

So that sounds quite hopeful, doesn't it?

What?

What?

Polish sherry!

What?

Well, it'll mainly be a case
of running me into the office,

one or two meetings out of town occasionally.

Plus any other errands, of course,
which crop up as and when.

How is it feeling, by the way?

-Good fit, surprisingly.
-Yes, it's very comfortable.

Thank you, Mr Atterbury.

Call me Lewis, I can't abide formalities.

Now, time, I think,
to introduce you to my three children.

VICTOR: Oh, right.

Very nice.

"Very" and "nice", Victor, are not words we use
to describe these three pieces of machinery.

They are the Holy Trinity of internal combustion.

As you'll discover when you get behind the wheel.

Sorry about the mess.

Girlfriend and I were at a rather wild party
in Oxfordshire on Sunday night.

Oh, right.

So I see.

(NO PARTICULAR PLACE TO GO PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

Bloody rugby players.

You are lucky you still got a job at all,
the way you carry on.

Picking fights with every single person you meet.

I do not pick fights with every person I meet.

No! That's why that man in the pub
snapped off both your front teeth the other week.

Like a protective tab on a video cassette.

All over a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

I'll either have to get a bigger hat
or have my head taken in.

Oh, 12:30, I'll have to move.

I've got to be at the airport at 4:00.

Oh, where's he going today?

Nowhere. His parents are coming down
from Scotland for the weekend

so he wants me to pick them up.

You haven't forgotten
we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight?

I try to forget we're going
to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight,

like you try to forget you're going to die,
but it doesn't work.

I wonder what hideous novelties they have
brought back from their holidays this year.

Another souvenir photograph
printed on the back of a lavatory seat?

I can't believe that pair sometimes.

She rang me up earlier, in a bit of a state,
because the builders still haven't finished.

You know they're having all that
foundation work done on their extension.

And I was silly enough to let slip
that I wasn't doing anything this afternoon,

so she's invited me over beforehand
to give her a hand with the food.

Good. You can make sure the chicken soup
doesn't have feathers in it this time.

-I'll see you there at 7:00, right?
-Yes, bye!

Right.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

-Anyone in?
-Hello.

I can't stop long,
I've got to bury Auntie Sis at half past.

-Oh, no.
-But I just wanted to say...

-That was sudden. when did she die?
-Oh, Saturday afternoon.

Yeah, she was attacked by an albatross
in a hot air balloon.

All a bit nasty, I'm afraid,
she fell out of the basket

and landed on a tennis court in Droitwich,
right in the middle of a tie-break.

-Oh, good God!
-Yeah, play had to be suspended

for half an hour
while they disentangled her from the net.

So, a bit of an undignified exit really
for the poor old soul, but...

No, actually, I wanted to thank you
for the other day.

You know what you said about Tania
and everything.

Only, I gave her a ring last night
and asked if she would like to join us on Friday

for the sponsored silly walk.

And I couldn't believe it,
she said yes, she'd loved to.

I mean, yeah, I know it doesn't mean
anything in itself but, well, anyway,

I just wanted you to know.

What did I tell you?
Now this could be your big chance,

-make sure you don't blow it.
-Yeah.

Well, I'll keep you posted anyway, and thanks.

Hmm.

This Polish sherry is rather delicious.

-Mildred.
-Oh, thank you.

Hmm, yes. Where did you get it, Margaret?
we'll have to stock up.

I'm not sure.
You better ask Victor when he gets here.

These are just slops, aren't they?
I'll put them in your bin.

Oh!

Don't try and go in there, Margaret.
You'll break your neck.

She'll break her neck, Mildred.

It's a 10-foot drop.

Two months now they've been digging.
I think we were better off with the subsidence.

Perhaps I'll just put them down the loo.

What time are we expecting
your hubby, Margaret?

Oh, I said about 7:00, all being well.

He's got to collect some people from the airport.

MILDRED: Oh, I hope he doesn't hurry here
and have an accident.

I don't imagine he'll be hurrying.

No.

So, you come and stay with your son
very often, then?

Three or four times a year, I suppose, on average.

The traffic on that ring road
never seems to get any better.

I'm just wondering
if we shouldn't just drop these two off

and then go straight to the restaurant.

MAN: I tend to agree.

Do you know the big hotel near here
called Abbey Grange?

-Oh, yes.
-I don't want to risk losing

that table tonight of all nights.

-A special occasion, is it, or...
-Our anniversary, actually.

Oh, congratulations.

I had hoped we might persuade Lewis
to join us for once.

-I don't think so.
-No, you're right.

It looks as if he's already out.

Sowing his oats again, as usual.

Shh! They're here.

Come, everybody. In the conservatory, come on.

Come on. Quick. Quick, quick, quick.

Through the hall. Come on. Hurry.

Find your way through. Everybody in front, go on.

Go on, you're not here to enjoy yourself. Quick.

Now I want total silence from everybody.
I don't want to hear a word out of any of you!

(MEOWING)

No, no, no. No, you don't.

Just you behave yourselves.

LEWIS: Hello?

Hello?

(HONKING)

Thank you very much.
Leaving me to man the fort all this time.

I'm sorry.
They asked me to take them on to this restaurant

and I've got to go back
and collect them at around 12:00.

So, I don't fancy leaving this out in the open,

after what happened to the last one.

Everything all right out there?

He's just going to put Mr Atterbury's car
in your garage for a few hours,

if that's all right...

Victor! No! No!

It hasn't got a floor!

(CRASHING)

VICTOR: I don't believe it!

I wouldn't worry about it, Victor.

Our son is a very tolerant
and understanding person.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Just pray he's gone to bed early.

Yes.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

On the other hand...

But still, look at it on the bright side.

The breakdown people managed
to haul it out without making

hardly any scratch on the front, so...

Just excuse me a moment, would you, please?

Darling!

Put that down.

Oh, come on.
Look, it's very late and we're all very tired,

so don't do anything silly, all right?

When you told me this man wanted a job,

you didn't tell me he was a demolition expert.

Why don't you just go up to bed
and have a good night's sleep?

We'll talk to the insurance people in the morning.

Thank you. I didn't realise, actually,
it was you that had...

Yes.

Not to worry, Mr Meldrew.

I mean, all is not lost.

We've still got the Jag left.

Yes, I've just dropped him off at the bank
and now I'm on my way to the dentist.

So, it's all working out quite well...

Sorry, what?

No, not at all. He seems fine.

Surprisingly.

I don't know what
she said to him last night, or did.

No sign of any footprints on the windscreen
this morning at any rate.

Right, yes.

Well, good luck with your appointment.

Yes.

And I'll see you later. Bye.

Afternoon, Mrs Meldrew. Are you well?

Yes, thank you, Mr Swainey.

Are you all ready for the off, then?

Yes, yes. A 330 start outside St Luke's,
just around the corner.

Tania said she'd meet me there so I'd...

About Tania...

And I've got everything planned for this evening.

I managed to get two tickets
for that new Eddie Murphy film.

And afterwards, I thought she might like to go

to this nice little Italian restaurant,
which is right next to...

Yes, Mr Swainey,

I'm afraid Victor and I ran into Tania,

last night actually.

It was at this big party at someone's house

and she was there with...

Yes. Right.

I see.

Thank you, Mrs Meldrew, I understand.

I'm sorry, Mr Swainey, I didn't...

No, no, no, it's...

Well, thanks for all your help anyway.

I feel so awful.

Especially after we...

I mean...

You were right.

Yeah.

Well, I'll see you later.

Life's never that wonderful.

Karen, could you just give me a quick hand
with this thing, please?

Okay.

Sorry about that, Mr Meldrew,
our equipment's all blowing up this morning.

You can close it now, you're all done with.

I should keep the cotton wool plug in there
for about half an hour.

Any minor pain once the numbing wears off,
just take a couple of aspirin.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm.

No, no, the car appears to be still in one piece,

for the moment but...

Yeah, okay, I will. Bye.

How is the tooth feeling by the way?

Oh, my jaw seems to be throbbing
quite a lot for some reason.

Don't take your eyes off the road.

No, sorry, I was just...

Perhaps if I can get rid of this thing now,
I might...

Ah!

Oh, my God Almighty!

What's it doing? What was that?

(VICTOR HOWLING)

Oh, my God!

What is that thing?

(STUTTERING)

A bee in the car, Mr Lewis!

Never mind the bee, watch where you're going!

Oh, God! Put...
For God's sake, put your foot on the brake.

Sorry about that.

I think this time we've been lucky, actually.

I can't see any damage. Can you?

(ENGINE HUMMING)

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

# And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

# And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #