One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 5, Episode 4 - Rearranging the Dust - full transcript

The Meldrews are in the waiting room at their solicitor's,where they have gone to see about a will but everyone who comes in seems to get seen ahead of them. Victor spends his time observing the lack of cleanliness in the room and then throws a cake at a dog who is weeing on his car. He argues with its owner through the window before the man's solicitor,the same one Victor is waiting to see,presents him with a complaint from the dog's owner.

One thousand five hundred and ninety-two


Leaves on that plant

It was only 1 ,503 when we came in

Don't talk such utter drivel

I'm telling you!

It's artificial

Is it?


How much longer is he going to keep us?
My buttocks are turning into fossilised fuel

Course, that's solicitors for you

The longer they keep each client up there,
the more they can charge them

That's how they make their money

They'd break wind in the phone
and send you a bill for it

I've a good mind just to pack it all in
and go home



What is it now?

I've got one of my bits caught up

Right where it hurts, in the inside leg of my Ow!

It's agony when that happens

They just dropped out suddenly
and now the elastic's cutting in like

Like the Like the string in abacon dumpling

Do you have to make such an exhibition
of yourself in a public place?

It'll be fine in a second
if I can just slide it back inside

That's good Oh, that's got you, you little bugger

Can't you just be more careful how you sit down?

Oh, yes, I'll put them in an egg box next time
That'll solve everything

It's just one of those things, I'm afraid,
as any man will tell you


Leave it where it is!

I've got a spider in my flies

Look at that There he goes,
just struggling to get in through the buttonhole

You're sure he's not struggling to get out?

There's nothing inside there
that a spider wouldn't want to see

I expect Be at home among the cobwebs

Money spider Look!

You just can't do it, can you?


You can't stay settled for one minute
It's completely beyond you

I can settle, don't you worry about that

I can settle any time I want to


For God's sake!

Why don't you go for the easy option
and use a giant wrecking ball?

Have the entire building
razed to the ground in seconds

What sort of table is that, anyway,
that's not joined on to the legs?

Ruddy well asking for trouble, that is


Just sit down


Do you have to?

See that? How much dust there is
in these cushions?

Look at that

I'll come over there to see how much dust there is
in your ears in a minute

Now just give it a rest

Wonder when this place had a good spring-clean

VE Day?

But still, not much point in dusting
when you think about it

It only just settles again everywhere
five minutes later

All you're ever doing is rearranging it,
in actual fact

-Do you know what dust is?

Old bits of human skin Mostly

Just millions and millions of bits of all the people
who waited in this waiting room

I mean, no saying who this is on my finger now

Sir Stafford Cripps?

Incredible to think that, isn't it?


Oh, oh

(STAMMERING) I don't believe it!

Heaven spare us!

Look at that That bird mess on the window

-What about it?
-It's on the inside

I've got it all over my nose

It's a ruddy death trap, this place


What in the

Just hold it Hold still a minute Leave it, leave it

Will you

How did that get there, in the name of sanity?

On the inside if you please I just give up

I don't know A pigeon maybe flew in
when the window was open

Will you keep still?


Any more?

You sure you haven't got horse manure
or anything down the back of your shirt?

It's worse than taking a child out for the day
I don't know why I don't put you on reins

Oi! You!

Yes, you Excuse me!

It just never ends, does it?

That happens to be my bloody car

when you've finished allowing your dog
to urinate all down the side of it

MAN: It needed a wash anyway

I beg your

Did you hear what he said?
''It needed a wash anyway''

Where are those cakes?


Get out of there, you little bastard!

I've a good mind to have you prosecuted
for wilful damage of property

See what you have to say about that!

MAN 2: You don't have to say anything
until you've consulted a solicitor!

Who the hell asked you?
You keep your nose out of this

MAN 2: Is this gentleman subjecting you
to unreasonable public harassment, sir?

MAN 1 : Yeah, he just insulted my dog as well!

MAN 2: In which case, my advice to you would be
to seek professional representation without delay!

Oh, would it, indeed?

Well, I'll be getting on to my solicitor, too,
when I see him,

so don't you worry on that score, matey

And you can stick your nose in a lawnmower!

All finished now?

Ruddy naked vandalism in the streets

No one gives a damn any



Mr Prothrow?

This way, please


Listen to that How thin these walls are

Must be where they divided up the original room

-Listen to that, that's wafer thin

I can hear Thank you

Lean back suddenly,
someone could put their head right through that

I'll bear that in mind

Fish fingers have thawed out now

I can never look at one of these
without thinking about

I know what you're going to say so don't say it

-I was just going to say about Mr
-I know

Well, Mr Dimbley,
who lived down in Wingate Crescent

Was the talk of the whole street, that was

Do you remember
when his wife came back that day

-and found he'd stuck one of these little

I don't think I want to be reminded
of the sordid details, thank you

Things people do for pleasure

Never forget the look on his face
when they carried him out to the ambulance

As if he'd just been hypnotised

Gave a whole new meaning to the phrase
''putting a light bulb in''













Do you want to go? It's quite clean

Oh, sorry to have kept you both

Oh, right

Well, that's a relief I'm still alive

Hanging on by a thread

Why is it that everyone else who comes in here
only has to wait for 1 0 seconds, then they're in?

But not us

Wouldn't be surprised
if he isn't up there anymore

Probably left half an hour ago
to go and play golf with various chief constables

Like that time I sat all afternoon
waiting to see a throat specialist

and found out he was at a cocktail party
in Bury St Edmunds

-Mr Meldrew?
-Oh, for God's sake, and about time!

Mr Latimer is not quite ready for you yet

His colleague, Mr Mangrove,
asked me to give you this

Mr What's this?


''Dear Mr Meldrew, just to confirm
that I have today received instructions

''to act on behalf of Mr GW Skinner
of 45 Ogden Street,

''who is filing a claim for damages
in connection with an alleged assault

''carried out by yourself
upon his pit bull terrier, Horace, this afternoon

''with a Sainsbury's coconut meringue''

An assault with a coconut meringue?

And it wasn't even stale!

Oh, I have never in all my life
heard of anything so patently ludicrous

Well, I'm going straight up there
I'm not going to have this

Leave it for now, Victor, for God's sake!

We'll mention it to ours when we go in

Just don't make things worse
than they already are

I'm sorry I came here this afternoon,
I am straight

I mean, it's cheered me up like I can't tell you

Sitting here all afternoon
waiting to make out a will

I can only think of one thing worse than dying

And that's living forever

I mean, can you just imagine
how terrible that would actually be?

If I was just always here,

for ever and ever and ever


I don't know what it's all about
when it comes down to it

Whether you're just here one minute
and gone the next,

like God rearranging the dust

Got no way of knowing

Anyway, I don't see the point of wills
Not in our case

Shared everything over all these years
It's purely a formality after all's said and done

Thirty-seven years ago this week, as it happens

Since what?

Since the first time we shared something

-Our bodies

You remember? Peggy Hawkesworth's
engagement party in Glendale Gardens

I can still remember the first moment
I walked into that room

and saw this dashing, handsome young man
standing over by the record player

with a head of golden, wavy, thick hair

Couldn't look at anybody else all night

Spent the entire evening waiting to be introduced,
just smiling across the room like an idiot

And then, just after midnight, you remember,
there was a power cut

We'd all had far too much to drink
and I just seized my chance

Dashed across the room, grabbed your hand
and dragged you out into the garden

I remember it took you a hell of a time
to get going

You had your hand in my blouse for half an hour
twiddling a dead wasp

And then, eventually, we just both relaxed into it


And then we got up out of the lupines,
dusted ourselves down and went back inside

And when the lights came back on again,
I remember, I just stood and looked at you,

and realised I'd grabbed hold of the wrong person

Jeremy Birchall, the one with the thick,
wavy, golden hair,

was just leaving with that girl
who worked in the hat factory

Anyway, got us started off together
And that was that

Funny, though, isn't it?

How it's hardly ever your first choice
that you eventually end up with?

Or even your second or third

All the ones you think you fancy the most,

none of them are right for you, probably,
in the end


Oh, well, I mean
Well, look at you, ending up with me

when there were girls like Olive Reynolds,

Hazel Warner,

Jennifer Davy, and that sister of hers
They were a pretty little pair

You were always my first choice

Was I?

You've never said that before

No, well

Well, I suppose there's lots of things
you never say

that you think about saying

and something always crops up, life goes on

Somehow you never quite get around
to putting it into words


# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #