One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Affair of the Hollow Lady - full transcript

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

VICTOR: The absolute limit, that was

You wouldn't believe
that anyone could pick their nose

all the way through
Dances With Wolves, would you?



Three and a half hours I had to sit next to that

It was always the right nostril,
he never touched the left one

Always the one on my side

You'd think he was digging the Channel Tunnel

(KEYS CLINKING)

Come on, what's the matter?
I'm ruddy freezing out here

MARGARET: It won't turn
It's jammed again, bloody thing!

You're joking, surely Here, give it here

I managed it this morning
by jiggling it slightly to the

Bugger

Turn, for God's sake

MARGARET: £260 we paid for this!

For a complete set of new locks so secure
even we can't get in

Good old Yellow Pages



God Almighty

If I get through this alive, I'm never going
to get anyone in to do anything ever again

(GASPS)

Oh, I've got ruddy cramp now
all down my left side

(GRUNTING)

(PHONE RINGING)

00:01:55,998 --> 00:01:57,113
What?

Yes, I know there is

Yes, I know

It's me

Yes, I'm on a ladder,
going through my own bedroom window

Why the hell do you think I'm doing it?

All because the lady loves Milk Tray?

Pull your blinds and go back to bed

The mentality of some people

Are you all right?

Hang on while I put some pillows down

Yes, if you would It'll be a big help

Just

How the hell did you get back in?

Oh, yes, well, I managed to jiggle it about
somehow or other in the end

Funny, isn't it? It suddenly turned

Funny?

Yes, sometimes I wonder just how much
priceless hilarity I can take in one evening

Why is it that no matter
how long you stand there shaking it,

there's always one last drip
that you have to dab off

with a sheet of toilet paper?

It's one of those strange facts of life
you can never work out

Did you say you would pick up the makings
of that casserole for me this morning?

Oh, I suppose if I have to

Run the gauntlet again with that woman
at the greengrocers who seems to fancy me

The one that keeps wrapping up my vegetables
in a suggestive manner

Wrapping up your what?

It's got so I'm afraid to go in there
and ask for a parsnip

Got back last week and found lipstick marks
on the end of a spring onion

-What's that all about?
-What are you talking

Are you talking about Millicent
in the greengrocers?

Millicent Miles fancies you?

Oh, God, she must be desperate!

I'm not imagining it

I can feel her mentally skinning my beetroot
every time she looks at me

I mean, you would think
that a woman of her age might

(GASPING)

(GROANING)

What have you done now?

I've just put Olbas Oil on that
You know it stings to high heaven

Stings? It's nearly taken my eye out

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Take your life in your hands
every time you blow your nose in this house

Oh, shit

-Morning
-Morning

Thank you Thank you

Ah!

My tickets for Wembley, Thursday night

Now, what's this?

Surely not that new pair of gloves I sent away for

Oh, in the name of sanity, what's this?

Can't anyone get anything right anymore?

(SIGHING)

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

(SPLUTTERING)

I do not believe it!

What's happened now?

Someone's just stolen our fridge

Just Just then

When I went upstairs,
as bold as brass, they must just have come

(SPLUTTERING)

Stolen? The fridge?

(PHONE RINGING)

00:06:43,398 --> 00:06:44,672
Speaking

Yes

Oh, my God

Well

Do they know what ward she's in or anything?

Ah, right Bye

Just saw the top of it disappearing
down the road in a truck

I mean, can you believe that?
Can you actually believe that?

Jean's had an accident

What? When? What, a bad one?

Last night
On her way back from her sister's in Blackpool

The car went off the road into a ditch

They've taken her up the General so

I'll meet you up there in my lunch hour, all right?

Oh, hello

Don't worry She's not as bad as she looks
Most of it's superficial

The main thing is this nasty crack
all the way round her jaw

So, I'm afraid she won't really be able
to speak to you at all

Oh, really? Oh, dear

Oh, and her spirits are very low I think
she could definitely do with some cheering up

Uh

I don't suppose you know
if you'll be out by Christmas or not?

(MUMBLING)

Sorry?

Hang on, I've got a pen here

What's this?

''Commode'' What

You mean, you want to

(MUMBLING)

Oh, well, just hang on a second, then

Oh, excuse me

JEAN: Margaret!

Thanks for coming

They said you were in a private room

I was at first It's like musical chairs in this place

All right, you just put your arm around me

That's it

That's it

Easier, please

Oh, read that Read all these

Oh, I tell you what I did do up there

Guess what? On my very first day,
I won first prize in a competition

In Louis Tussaud's
You know, the big waxwork museum on the front

-In Blackpool?
-Guess who bought the winning lottery ticket

So what did you win?

Well, I had a choice of £500 in cash

£500!

or, now don't laugh,

a chance to have a waxwork made of myself,

all properly modelled with casts and everything,
by one of their experts

Right

Which did you choose?

And then, now can you believe this?

Some bastard forces open the back door
and waltzes away with our fridge

Well, I suppose I better be moving

I don't know what's happened to
Margaret today, I'm sure

Oh!

Your favourite TV programme
will just be starting, won't it?

Let me just switch that on for you

(NEIGHBOURS THEME TUNE ON TV)

Well, I'll see you again, I expect

All right And I hope you're feeling better soon

Goodbye, Mrs Warboys Goodbye

(GROANING)

VICTOR: Oh, wonderful

That's all we need, isn't it? A wax dummy
of Mrs Warboys cluttering up the house

What on earth possessed her, for goodness sake?

It's being sent down on Thursday

And she won't be there to take delivery of it
Oh, what else was I supposed to say?

We could always stick it upstairs
in the spare room or somewhere

Yes, well, let's just keep it away from the radiator

or she might start
dripping through the floorboards

Oh, yes Do you really?

I seem to remember
you swore on your grandmother's grave

to come round yesterday

Pity she's not buried in quicksand

What?

Because we can't open the front or the back now

It took us half an hour
to get this locked again properly yesterday

And now the key has broken off

Are you listening to a cricket match there?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, can you hold on a minute, please?

Just a sec

Oh

Don't worry, I haven't come for your fridge

Hello Good morning How are you?

I'm afraid we're still trying to get
those locks sorted out, actually

Bad as the one on the back of my van, then

Someone had that off last week
It's the age we live in

Anyway, me darling,
I've got your maris pipers out here

-I won't be a tick
-Oh, right, right

Uh, are you still there? Hello?

Yes Right

And you've got my address there?

Yes, it's Victor Meldrew, care of Alcatraz

No, no, no What are you doing? Hold on

It's all right, Victor, I'm a big girl

-I've got it
-I think I can manage Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry

If it's not one thing,
it's another with me just lately

Don't worry

What with yesterday in the pub

A young girl went for my purse

Just stuck her hand under the table
and grabbed hold of it

Poor old Piers, is he okay?

Your husband?

I lost my husband five years ago

Oh, uh Sorry

We weren't that close towards the end

I think you get a feeling, don't you?

When something's there and when it isn't

Morning, Millicent

You know the back door of your van's wide open?

Mrs Aylesbury's boys are out there
practising dropkicks with an aubergine

Oh, they're not

-Well, I'll love you and leave you then, Victor
-Yes

You can settle up with me next week

What happened to this?

The thread in the middle section's broken
I think we'll have to get a new one

Oh, right

Well, perhaps we can have a look
the next time we're

Oh, my God When did this arrive?

Oh, yes, just after you went round the corner,
1 0:30

Haven't you opened it yet to have a look?

I'm afraid I have Yes

And?

-I'll go and see to the potatoes
-Right

Six hours of just sitting here waiting

Well, I've had enough of this bloody caper now

Have you been wiping up
the cheese grater with this again?

5:00, it was obvious he wasn't coming
Rang up the shop

''Oh, I'm sorry, he's gone home now
And it's his day off tomorrow''

I'll give him a bloody day off, ruddy locksmiths

MARGARET: What time train
are you catching tomorrow?

5:55, we're all meeting at the station

Kick-off's 7:30

Which should just be fine, give me time
this afternoon to run one or two little errands

What sort of errands?

-Yeah?
-Good afternoon Mr Laverick?

Of Laverick Locks and Bolts
for all your household security needs?

-Yeah
-Ah Sorry to trouble you, my name is Meldrew

We've spoken several times on the phone
about some work you did for me last Friday

Mr Meldrew! How are you? I haven't forgotten you

Only, we've had a few problems
at the office this week

I can only apologise most sincerely

and I promise someone will be around
first thing tomorrow morning,

on my absolute word of honour

Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm not really interested
in your word of honour, Mr Laverick

I waited in all day for you four times now

and, to be honest,
I'm not prepared to be pissed around any longer

Awful midges

If I were you, I'd keep this door shut
before they get everywhere

What

(LAVERICK SPLUTTERING)

You won't want them in your porch,
either, will you?

There we are
That's all nice and secure for you, isn't it?

You demented fool!
What the hell are you playing at?

It's all right Your wife
will probably let you back in when she gets

Oh, no, I tell a lie
Didn't someone say that you lived on your own?

Yes, of course they did

In that case,
you'll very probably be wanting this back

Give me back the bloody key!

I'm sorry? Oh, what, you mean you'd like it
posted through the letterbox?

-Yes!
-Yes, what?

Yes

please

Righty-o, then There we are

I've put a first class stamp on it,

so it should be with you first thing in the morning

Oh, and in the meantime,
be very careful of that umbrella plant

They don't like a lot of water

(BRAKES SQUEAKING)

-MILLICENT: Cheer up, it may never happen
-Oh

Can I give you a lift anywhere?
You'll be waiting there till doomsday

I know
I'm supposed to be catching a train at 6:00

Let's see if we can squeeze you in the back, then
Shouldn't take more than 1 0 minutes

Sorry about all this palaver
I'll get around to fixing it one of these days

If you can find a space between the collies

I'm sorry I'm all a bit chocker at the moment

Yes, well, I don't think I'll be bothered
about that, so long as I get there

In? There you are You get yourself comfy, Victor

I've got one quick call on the way

We'll have bags of time

Hello, Mad, it's only me Are you well today?

(VICTOR SHOUTING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Anyone home?

Oh, I see you've managed to get that lock off,
then, from the back door at last

Margaret?

Margaret?

(SIGHING)

Margaret? What are you

Oh, Jean

-When did you come out?
-Oh, they turfed me out a couple of hours ago,

said they needed the bed

Naturally, I couldn't wait to get round here and

Well, where is it?

Ah Um, we put it in the spare room

What can I say, Victor?
Didn't I say things keep happening just lately?

I'm really so sorry

Your big trip to Wembley and everything

and it's all my fault

Yes, well

Look, it's not the same, no way it's the same,

but if you wanna stop off at my place
and watch it on the box,

-you're more than welcome
-It's not on the box

On satellite it is On the sports channel

I mean, it's the very least I can do for you,
after everything

Funny, isn't it?

For the best part of a month
I've been dying for this moment and now

I must have been out of my tiny mind

to think that anyone
would want this in their house

Other than to scare away the rats

-It's absolutely hideous
-It's a very good likeness, though

Well, it's nice,
the way they've caught your smile and everything

Yes Well

-What day do the dustmen come round here?
-Friday

I'll give you a ring sometime, then

-Wait You can't leave it
-Good night, Margaret

COMMENTATOR: (ON TV)
I'm afraid we have to say that on the day,

neither side really managed
to find the reserves of form or character

that were needed to lift this match
out of the doldrums.

(SIGHING)

I don't suppose I missed very much in the end

So, you're going to leave me now, are you?
All on my own?

Sorry?

Oh, yes

I thought I'd walk home and get some fresh air

Oh, I don't know
The scrapes we get into, the pair of us

I suppose we're very much alike really,
when it comes to it

Anyway, bedtime

Hm?

If you're going to walk out on me,
there's not much to stay up for

No

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

00:23:21,198 --> 00:23:24,713
Hello, Margaret?
It's Millicent from the greengrocers

Victor still not home yet?

Uh, no He's in London with some friends
for the football I don't imagine he'll be

How did you know that?

Ah Well, I don't suppose there's any point
in trying to keep it from you

I'm afraid your husband
didn't actually go to London tonight

He's been here, at my place

I don't think I need to paint a picture, do I?

Suffice to say, it was a lot more fun than football

You're back early

Oh, yes

Margaret, I can't believe what I've done

It was one of those
stupid moments of weakness that

-Would you like to tell me about it?
-Not really

Tell me about it!

I locked that locksmith in his porch

-What?
-I went round to see him, locked him in his porch,

took the key away and posted it back to him

I suppose I must be cracking up altogether now

Locksmith? I'm talking about Millicent!

I've just had her on the phone telling me
that you've been round at her house tonight

Oh, yeah, well, yes, I'm afraid she gave me a lift

and the van was towed away so I missed the train,

so I ended up watching the match
in her house on Sky

Well What's she been saying to you?

Victor, look me in the eyes and tell me

nothing happened
between you and Millicent tonight

Nothing happened between us

Absolutely nothing

Margaret?

(DOOR SLAMS)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

-Hello, Millicent
-Oh! So, what have you come to tell me?

-I suppose he's denied the whole thing
-Well, of course

-I mean, naturally, he's going to deny it
-Naturally

-Because it never happened
-Never

-You're not telling me you believe him?
-That's right, Millicent

My God! He's got you well-trained

No It's called trust, Millicent

You should try looking it up
in the dictionary sometime It's next to ''trollop''

Oh, so I imagined the whole thing, did I?

That your husband came upstairs
and got into bed with me tonight?

Imagined? No Invented

Because, unfortunately, the evening didn't quite
go the way you planned, did it?

The way I planned?

The one thing I never took you for,
Margaret, was gullible

I mean, I really thought
you were stronger than that

Yes?

Well, we'll see, won't we, just how strong I am?

And in future, we'll be getting our potatoes
from Sainsbury's

(URINATING)

Unbelievable the way people are sometimes

I suppose I should have known
I was dicing with death there from the word go

How's your stomach?

Yes Much better than it was
when I was being sick in her bathroom

An hour and a half in the back of that van
with all those rotting onions

and then all those brandies

It's a wonder I've got any stomach left

Still, I suppose it all says quite a lot about us
when you think about it

I mean, there aren't many wives who'd forgive me
for going round to her house in the first place,

even just to watch football

Wouldn't they?

I mean,
at least we're a bit more mature than that

Yes

(VICTOR SCREAMING)

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #