One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 5, Episode 2 - Only a Story - full transcript
Mrs Warboys comes to stay whilst her flat dries out after being flooded and her efforts to help irritate both Meldrews - especially when she turns the heating down and their wall-paper peels off. And they have to go in search of her escaped budgie. Due to an error in the local paper Victor's name has been transposed with that of the editor,who has just run a story on the local M.P.'s supposed gay affair. A vengeful television crew turn up at Victor's house to secretly film him undressing as they assume he is the editor and needs a taste of his own medicine.
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
Well, that's that over for another year
The joyous ritual of our annual pilgrimage
to see Great-Aunt Joyce
It gets more like entering a mummy's tomb
every time we go there
Is it my imagination or has it got cold in here?
Still, these will be a real godsend, won't they?
A pair of gloves with six fingers in each hand
Trying to tell me I'd grow into them
What's she gonna knit for me next time?
A balaclava with two heads?
Yes Well, if you ever get to that age
Oh! For the love of my
What is it? What's
Why did I open my bloody mouth!
Why did I even think it would be a good idea
to say it needed repapering!
I must want my head testing
Can't understand it
Put enough paste on this to sink a battleship
Slapping it here, there and everywhere,
like Charlie Drake in the Sistine Chapel
What are we gonna do with this?
Save it till we need a giant Elastoplast?
There are some of those refuse bags in the shed
You'd better bring half a dozen
Look at that
Just slept right through it
I'm telling you, if she has to spend
another night here, I may have to kill her
I mean it
Yes Well, she's had a lot of upset this last week
I mean, you wouldn't like it
if your flat was flooded
and you had nowhere else to stay
Oh, for a stick of dynamite
Has there been an earthquake?
No It's just Victor's paper's come down
Here, hang on a second
Oh Oh, what a shame,
after all the work he put into it this morning
Oh, is it so late already?
Those antihistamines are making me
a bit dopey I think
Anyway, you have a nice time over there?
-How was she?
-Yeah Well, same as usual
Where have the curtains gone?
I took them down to the dry cleaners for you
And the ones in the front bedroom
Talk about long overdue for a wash
Did they come to take that picture back?
The enlargement we had done at the photo shop
that went horribly wrong
-They said they'd pick it up about 4:00
-Oh, yes, yes I remember now, yes
No, they didn't
Unless it was them at the front door
when I was in the bath
About 4:00 time
Oh, and I turned off the central heating
I didn't think it was helping Nicky's tummy bug
No, according to my book,
it's not very good for cockatiels
Too much hot air with no moisture
No, quite good for drying out wallpaper possibly,
but not for his little tummy
Anyway, I better be getting on up now, then
Take my face off
See you in the morning, Margaret
Now she'll be in that bloody bathroom
for an hour and a half taking her face off
With a bottle of hydrochloric acid,
we could do it in 1 0 seconds
There's a lot worse than her
You've just got to have a bit of patience
So, it seems to be doing the trick then, does it?
This, whatever it is that person does to your feet,
that quack you've started going to
in Banbury Crescent
She's not a quack It's called reflexology
It's a recognised science
She just stimulates different parts of your foot
and it reduces all your anxiety and stress
You come away
ready to cope with life's little problems
It'll never last
VICTOR: You cocky little bastard!
You know what you can do with it as well,
I don't care! What about my bloody marigolds?
Just thought I'd get some of the filth out
of these cupboards for you
Well, I don't suppose you get the time, do you?
I mean, you couldn't hope
to keep this place spotless
and I wouldn't expect it of you
I take it there's still no news, then,
of when you could move back into your flat?
Well, obviously they can't start pumping it out
until the rains have let out
Oh, yes! Any time you like, matey!
Whenever you like!
-Did you see what he'd done?
That chimney sweep working number 1 2
across the road
He'd only stuck his van in our bloody front lawn
I'll give him ''nowhere else to park''
He wasn't going to move it either
if I hadn't threatened to let his tyres down
Sweep his chimney for him
next time he tries that lark
Oh, is that this morning's local?
''Exclusive Pics from MP's gay love nest''
More rubbish they've dug up
Now then, now then, where are we
I don't suppose for one second that they printed
-What? Is your letter in there, then?
Oh, can you believe this? Listen to this
''On Monday night, I wrote to your paper
''complaining about supermarket trolleys
in public lavatories
''I was somewhat alarmed to find my letter signed
''Polly the Penguin of
the Oswestry Park Bird Sanctuary
''While elsewhere on the page
was a report incorrectly stating
''that I'd just laid a five-pound egg
for the first time in captivity
''Greater accuracy by your proofreaders
in future will be much appreciated''
Well, that's what you wrote, wasn't it?
Yes, that's what I wrote,
but look what's underneath
''Yours sincerely, Mildred Herring,
1 3 Bolsover House, Hemlock Street''
I mean, I don't believe
How do they make these mistakes?
Who the hell's Mildred Herring?
I think she's the editor, isn't she?
Yes, look Up here
''If you have any views about local matters
please send them to the editor,
''Victor Meldrew, 1 9 River Bank''
They've done it again Exactly the same thing
I mean, how do they make these mistakes?
I don't know why I bother
Oh! Oh! What in the name of bloody hell!
-Leave it, Jean Don't touch it I'll do it
-Oh, oh, oh!
I didn't know I still had this ruddy thing
And the points are all rusty as
When did you last have a tetanus?
-Let me see
Just stand there and don't panic
I think we've got some lint upstairs
Just when I was beginning to relax a bit as well
VICTOR: Oh, if it's not one thing, it's another
So it's up to that bloody hospital now, I suppose
Hang around there for three hours
I mean, if you can't come down to breakfast
without getting a spike up your
What in the name of God
Oh, yes, how extremely side-splittingly funny
That's just about the level of your kind
Morning, Mr Meldrew You need a map?
Bit of a maze at the moment, isn't it?
Just up here getting a tetanus booster
So, what about
Oh, yes, fine thank you
Yes, I'm only in for an overnight, not before time
My foreskin's been on the waiting list
nearly three years now
Has it? Yes, oh
Terrible when you get stuck
in a bottleneck like that
I beg your pardon?
I wasn't sorry to see the back of it,
I don't mind saying
Actually, I'm glad I bumped into you,
only we've got a bit of a do on
at home tomorrow night
It's the annual knees-up of
the Dixon of Dock Green Appreciation Society
and things can sometimes get a bit merry
round about 9:30
So, do feel free to bang on the wall, won't you?
I'd hate to think we were causing a nuisance
Ah, yes Well, I'm sure we shouldn't do that
Anyway, better see if I can find
my way out now, I suppose
And good luck with the other
Oh, thank you very much
Can you see down the end
where they've taken all the plaster off?
Turn right there and you'll be out in the car park
All right, thanks
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
Well, that was as clear as mud
Two and a half hours and I still haven't
the faintest idea what it was all about
You can't beat a good mystery
Yes, but, I mean, who did it then, in the end?
The short fat one with the ginger moustache
How could it have been her?
She fell out of a helicopter halfway
through going over Cheddar Gorge
Ah, but you never saw her hit the ground, did you?
That's where they were clever
VICTOR: Half the time you couldn't even work out
who they were meant to be
And another thing, if that man
who looked like David Dimbleby
was supposed to know who the killer was,
why did he arrange to meet him
under a bridge at 3:30 in the morning?
And who was that dwarf in the bowler hat
that came running through the woods
in slow motion?
Never did find out what that was all about
Ah, it's only a story
Oh, are you going for another session
with your reflexologist tomorrow?
In Banbury Crescent?
Hmm, I was planning to, yes
Only, I wondered
if you'd just pop by the flat for me
and pick up a few clothes
I've written a list out here
-There we are
-Yes, I expect so
How exactly does it work again, this treatment?
I was wondering if I ought to book myself
a few sessions
Well, there's nothing much to it really
Just lie back and close your eyes
and you go off into a kind of trance
Then she just manipulates different bits
of your feet with her little finger,
and then 20 minutes later,
you come away and it's wonderful
Feeling all relaxed and tickety
Why did those detectives
ask David Dimbleby for his sperm?
To eliminate him from their inquiries
Oh, I see
The police can use sperm now
as a way of fingerprinting people
I don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads
They used to serve the purpose
How is Nicky's tummy today?
Did you take him up to the bird hospital?
Yes They put him on to some antibiotic millet,
which is supposed to be very good
This is nice
Not that I can taste it with my allergy of course
Might be absolutely horrible
But I'm sure it's really delicious
So, whose head was that in the fridge?
That never fitted into the plot, either,
as far as I could see
That was her boyfriend, wasn't it?
So who killed him, then?
I thought he was supposed to have
What, and then stuck his own head in the fridge?
How on earth are you meant
to fathom these things out?
I mean, you say it's just a story
but there's got to be some point to it all
I mean, you can't just have
a lot of weird things all happening for no reason
Well, because Otherwise nothing that happens
would make any sense
''I wonder if through your columns I might express
''my concern about several loose paving slabs
''outside the off-licence in Gosport Terrace''
Oh, yes, I agree with that one
I wish I was the editor of that thing
There's a few letters I'd print in it straightaway,
I'll tell you
''Dear Mr Meldrew, I was utterly appalled
by your front page article this week
''featuring photos of our local MP and his partner
''taken through a bedroom window
''There is no justification
for this blatant invasion of privacy''
Oh, yes, a lot of letters about that one
When you cleaned this cage out this morning
Are you sure you closed the door properly?
Why, what are you
Oh, my God!
Where is he?
Oh, my God! I knew this would happen some day
-Oh, where are you, Nicky?
Now, keep calm, Mrs Warboys
We don't know he fled
No, Mrs Warboys I'm sorry but no
I just thought I saw something
fluttering up there
I'm not climbing up another bloody tree
just to bring down
a piece of soggy white toilet paper
I mean, how did it get up there anyway?
What if he's been eaten by a cat?
Well, at least he'll be in the dry
Can you just give me the keys so we can get
back indoors? I feel like a drowned rat
Key, Mr Meldrew?
This morning, you asked if you could
borrow my key for the day so you could
I left it on the hall table for you to
-Margaret will be back soon
-Not for another hour, she won't
I'm not staying here to freeze to death
NICK: Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear
Sounds like a right old to-do, doesn't it?
Anyway, now you're inside, you can get dried off
and come inside and join in the fun
Everybody, this is Mr Meldrew from next door
and his friend Mrs Warboys
They've been looking for their cockatiel
and got locked out of the house,
if you can believe such a thing
What do we say to them?
Now, would either of you like a nice,
strong drop of whisky to warm yourselves up?
Oh, yes, that wouldn't go amiss,
thank you very much
No, no, no, you have to say,
''No, thank you, sir Not while I'm on duty''
It's all just part of the silliness
Mr Christmas, would you pop through
and put the kettle on again, will you?
And now, Mr Partridge and Mr Gallimore,
if you'd both like to budge up,
so that they can sit down
There we are That's the ticket
Oh, now, I don't know
if you're into party games at all,
but we were just in the middle of
a bout of hangman,
so do feel free to join in
Now, whose go was
It was yours, Mr Gallimore, I think
No, no, I don't think he's going to make it, is he?
Mr Meldrew, you care to have a stab at it at all?
NICK: See you very soon
Where have you been until this hour?
I'm ready for a bath
Is that this evening's local?
Don't expect they've printed
that second correction yet
I went for a drink with Meg after work
-I did ring but, of course, there was no answer
-JEAN: Oh, you're back!
Can you believe it?
All the time we've been out searching for
Oh, you little terror
We've been climbing up trees and everything
Come along, let's get you upstairs
I feel as though I've been up the Amazon
and back today, I do straight
The old tension coming on again, is it?
I expect you need another session
with your reflexologist in Banbury Crescent
Quite soothing, is it,
the treatment you get up there?
As you're lying on a bed with your eyes closed,
drifting into a trance
Quite soothing as she runs her little finger
over your feet
I told you, yes Why?
And you're quite sure, are you,
that it's her little finger she's using?
-Yes, of course What do you mean?
Just something I read in here
In this article
on the growing problem of suburban prostitution
I wonder if this strikes a chord at all
''An interview with bored housewife Vicky, 32,
''who entertains a wide variety of clients
''behind the lace curtains of her bungalow
in Banbury Crescent
'''I get all kinds coming round, young and old
'''They all look normal but you'd be surprised
at the things they ask you to do
'''One bloke likes me walking across
his back in high-heeled shoes
'''Another, elderly gent,
'''pays me just to stroke the soles
of his feet with my breasts
'''I suppose it takes all sorts'''
Just remind me, will you,
how this all started in the first place?
Well, it was, uh, Big Jeff at the chip shop
He said he went to this woman
who had a magic touch with feet
And he got rid of all his stress and tension
and did I want her telephone number?
So you went round and asked
if she would do the same for you
as she did for him?
Well, yes, I mean, I just
I don't know what to say
''Come away all relaxed and tickety''
Five times you've
But, I mean, where did I get the idea
that she was a reflexologist?
Where do you get any of your ideas, Victor?
You tell me, because I just
Nobody would believe it, would they?
That someone could lie there
with a nipple between their toes
and not even realise
And you talk about things making sense!
Well, I mean, I don't understand
I mean, she just
My punctures are giving me gyp again
I suppose I'd better go
and put some ointment on them
Look, Margaret, I'm
Ah, well, that's a happy ending, isn't it?
I wonder where he'd got to all that while
I suppose it'll just have to remain
a mystery like a lot of
-Oh, excuse me
-Not getting any better, then?
-Your hay fever
Oh, no I'm fine with pollen
That's not the problem at all
It's the feathers that set me off
Yes, I've always been cursed with that
since I was a girl
Then why on earth have you got a bird
as a pet if you're allergic to feathers?
Never really thought about it like that
The pleasure it gives me and the companionship
are the important things
Well, I mean,
you put up with all the misery, don't you?
If it's something you love
-You ready for a cup of tea?
-Oh, yes, Jean
I could just do with that
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
What is it? I'll be down in just a second
as soon as I've done this
MAN: In five Two
Tonight, as the furore mounts over
a local newspaper's
unwarranted intrusion into the privacy of its MP,
we give the paper's editor, Victor Meldrew,
a taste of his own medicine
We ask the question, ''You can dish it out
to others, but can you take it yourself?''
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #
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