One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 4, Episode 7 - Comic Relief Special: Victor in the Bath - full transcript

Victor muses about life while in the bath.




Editor's office, please

Well, tell him it's Martin Trout
Then he may not be quite so busy

Hello? Yeah, I've got it Yeah The lot, the works

Him and her together Yeah

No, no By the pool at her place in the country

Yeah Tongues in a reef knot

Yeah At one point he had his tongue in her nose

Yes Look, this is thermonuclear

Profumo doesn't come into it

My battery is getting a bit low
so I'll give you a buzz back when I get to Victoria

Okay Bye

Sorry about this
I know it must be in here somewhere

Anyway, are you well?

Here you are
It must have slipped through a hole in the lining

Here, cheer up
I just earned myself 1 00,000 quid

MAN: About time and all, eh?

MARTIN: What do you mean, 80?

80 nothing You agreed 1 00, sight unseen

1 00 if the story checked out

Don't mess me around, John

Look, I am holding in my hand

a little stick of dynamite
that will blow this country apart

Look, if you're not interested,
I have a little phone number in Wapping

I'm sure they

Yes That's more like it

VICTOR: Hello, can you put me through
to your customer complaints department please?

MARTIN: right away and be over to you
Yeah On your desk

VICTOR: Your public-relations department, then
MARTIN: Sorry, I

No, I don't want Personnel!
I want to talk to someone

I want to complain about one of your products!

Well, I can come to you directly or

VICTOR: If he's there, I would Hello!
MARTIN: Hang on a second

VICTOR: Hello? Yes, they were

Fifty-five bloody pounds they cost me Ł55!

Put them on brand-new this morning
to go on holiday and what happens?

I'll show you what bloody well happens

Do you hear that?

Can you hear that?

It's like walking around
with a dead halibut stuck to your foot

I've never in all my life
known such shoddy bloody work

Oi, you, Superman's grandad

Shut your bloody yap I can't hear myself think
with you shrieking about like a rutting gibbon

Shrieking like a Who the hell is shrieking?

Who's shrieking? A hand grenade could go off
in your mouth and no one would hear it!

Show some consideration for the rest
of the human race and shut your bleeding trap!

-Have you quite finished?
-No Your socks are too loud as well

Here I am, trying to make
an important phone call

Oi! Can't you see this booth is occupied?

You trying to access my Mercury facility
and use my

There was no one here
What was I supposed to Oh!


Hello? Are you still there?

Yes Well, I can tell you now,
you haven't heard the end of this

Who were you phoning anyway?

Oh, it doesn't matter
I forgot to cancel the Sunday papers, that's all

Margaret! Mr Meldrew!

We're going to miss it!

Yes, coming!

At least some of us can cancel the Sunday papers

The sordid crap they keep filling them with,

be a relief to get away from them
for a couple of weeks

Yeah, sorry about that Some goon
shooting his mouth off 90 to the dozen

Now, what was I saying?

Oh, yeah If I bring the roll of film round to you

Roll of

-A Portuguese pen friend? Bet that's fun

Of course, his English is a bit better
than my Portuguese

We've been writing to each other for 1 3 years
it must be now, but never got round to meeting

The engines have stopped

Why have they done that?
Just completely cut out all together

And then a couple of years ago he lost his wife,
and I recently got divorced,

and we both thought it was a good chance
to take the plunge

Quite an adventure for you

My godfathers, did you hear that?

What is it now?

I just overheard one of those stewardesses
whispering to her colleague, ''We are all doomed''

I swear I did As they went by just then

Why is no one else panicking?

Of course, I'd be a bit nervous
about going over there on my own

So the three of us decided to rent a little villa
and have a bit of a holiday for a couple of weeks

What was that? Who heard that just then?

God spare us

That noise, like the sound of a wing coming loose

There'll be the sound of someone
being hit over the head

with a bottle of duty free scotch in a minute

For God's sake,
give over and try going to sleep or something

How can I go to sleep with all this turbulence?

How could we have turbulence?
We haven't left the bloody runway yet!

Yes, that's another thing It'll be
a hundred times worse once we're in the air

Well, I'll be jiggered Look at that, a gear lever

It's been here all the time
just staring us in the face

I wonder if we could use it at all to get to our villa
before the dawn of the next ice age

II can't drive fast, Mr Meldrew,

not on these narrow mountain roads


We didn't exactly crash through the sound barrier
in that dual carriageway in Lisbon, did we?

I mean, that was the ultimate insult

Being overtaken
by two blokes pushing a Transit van

Still, it's nice to know
that in temperatures of 1 00 degrees

the car rental firm has thoughtfully
provided us with this, isn't it?

I mean, don't they speak English
at that place, for goodness sake?

Presumably not as they're all Portuguese

Yes, everyone else may be melting to death
on the roads, but not us,

because we have a car with hair conditioner

I mean, what in the name of sanity
did they think we wanted it for?

To make sure that the roof rack
was more shiny and manageable?

Will you put a lid on it?
We're supposed to be on holiday

Just stop moaning and enjoy the scenery

VICTOR: We're never going to get to that villa
today with Nigel Mansell here at the wheel

At this rate, I shudder to think where we'll end up

We're just saying whether it's wise
to go any further before morning

Jean's dog-tired I could do with some shut-eye

I wonder if they do rooms here for the night?

Well, I suppose they must do

Why don't I go and ask?
Give me a chance to use my Portuguese

Well, a fine start this has been to the proceedings

Why is it whenever we go anywhere
it's just one hideous catastrophe after another?


There we are All sorted apparently

I said would 5,000 escudos be a fair price,
he seemed very happy

So I gather he's got a room to show you first,
Mrs Warboys, see if it's to your liking

Oh, I get first pick, do I?


-I go with you?
-Oh, yes

MAN: You look like very hot lady

I'm not used to your climate, I'm afraid

I just hope for your sake this villa is up to scratch
when we finally get there

I said all along we should get a place
from a proper holiday firm

Not a classified ad in Zit magazine

Jesus Christ Just have a bit of faith

It said it was a charming little villa
that would suit any couple down to the ground

I'd have a bit of faith if the photograph
they sent hadn't been touched up with Tipp-Ex

I held it up to the light, I swear I could see
a ''condemned'' sign underneath

Well, I'm telling you now,
if we get to this place and it's a




What's happened? What's the matter?


That man thought I was a

Vocé acha que pode vir assim
para o nosso paiís, com essas velhas putas?

Whatever did you say to him, Mr Meldrew?

I'm sorry, Mrs Warboys

He wanted me to

He wanted you to what? Jean?

Something beginning with ''H''

Pensas que podes vir assim...

Cinco mil escudos.

-Something beginning with ''H''



MARGARET: Congratulations!

I just don't be

''Give me a chance to try out my Portuguese''

You never ever learn, do you?

It wasn't my fault
He just got the wrong end of the stick

Oh, that's nothing
to what Jean nearly got the wrong end of

Poor woman will be having nightmares now
every time she sees a zip

-Sees what?
-Look where you're going!

-Watch your speed
-Yes, well

Oh, I don't believe it That's all we need

MARGARET: What is?

Que é que o senhor está a pensar a fazer?
Não viu eu fazer-lhe sinal ali atrás para parar-se?

Sabe qual é o limite de velocidade nesta estrada?


O automóvel quase que iía parar ali na valeta.
Esteve a beber hoje â noite?

I'm very sorry I didn't realise

Ah! São ingleses, devia ter adivinhado.

Someone very nearly assaulted our friend

Yes He wanted her to do something
beginning with ''H'' apparently

-What was that?
-You work it out

Tem sorte eu não o multar desta vez.

No futuro, veja se tem mais cuidado.

I'm sorry?

English nau compriendo.

We were on our way to a holiday villa

Este é um siítio difiícil de encontrar a esta hora.
E as estradas estão perigosas.

-É melhor sair.
-Bom, saiam por favor.

Vamos. E o meu colega seguirá depois
no vosso automóvel.

Vocés venham comigo.

Bom, minhas senhoras e meu senhor,
saiam por favor.

-Bom. É aqui que vão ficar.

Bem, isto parece estar vazio.
Bom. Experimentem as vossas camas.

If it's about what happened at that pub,
we didn't mean to cause any trouble

If you could just call the British Council
or anybody who speaks English?

Tenho a certeza que são muito confortáveis.

E no futuro,
vejam se tenham mais cuidado a conduzir.

E se vão dormir aqui,
mantenham a porta bem fechada.

Os ratos podem tornar-se muito esfomiados
durante a noite.






My watch has stopped

5:30 in the afternoon

Eighteen hours, not a thing to eat

Can't even have a bath

Sixty years old I'll be next month

Sixty years

of waiting for something nice to happen

Will you let us out of here?
We haven't done anything wrong!

Hello? Hello? Can you hear me out there or what?


I realise now
that the only thing that's kept me going

is the hope that one day
things might be different

That one day

well, I suppose it was being over romantic,

I could go on a nice holiday to Portugal

and come home again afterwards

instead of being left to rot to death
in the set of Midnight Express,

charged with geriatric pimping

Twitchy leg muscle is starting up

Need to stretch my legs, I think


Well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for that
when they put us on the rack

My God! You're not serious?

Is it still legal to garrotte people over here?

Well, let's hope so

I can't believe I let you take us to that thing
It was so cruel

It was like something out of Roman times

How can you say it was cruel?

The matador is in no real danger If the bull
gets too close, they stab it to death with swords

-How can it be cruel?
-It's cruel to the bull

Cruel to the bull? Man, whose side are you on?

We're on the side of decency
and human compassion, Dad, as it happens

Oh, right Of course, I forgot

My son, the compassionate welterweight
with no taste for blood

Can you wonder
that he lost 1 1 of his last 1 2 fights?

Does that surprise anyone in this car?

I had a run of bad luck That's all it was

No The reason is
Do you want to know the reason?

It's because you haven't got the killer instinct

Thirty-five years in this business,
I think I know what the game's about

It's about hate

You have to hate the person

You have to physically want to
beat the living crap out of the man you're boxing

-What it's not about
-Can we give this a rest?

What it's not about
is stopping halfway through round five

to enquire about his mother's arthritis

I promise, before this holiday is over

we're going to work
on this attitude problem of yours

If I can make you dislike just one person,
to bring out that hate and aggression,

it may just give me hope for your future

How many times, Dad?
I don't have any hidden aggression

because I never let people upset me

See? Look at me I'm Mr Cool,
which is something you should try sometime

You might live a bit longer

Would you believe it?

-What's that?
-That manky old dump across the road

You know, the one the travel agent said

was only being held together
by cockroach droppings

-What about it?
-There's a car outside

Must belong to them demolition people

No, look There's suitcases on the roof

My God Do you know, I think they've
actually conned someone into staying there

Must be some serious brain damage


VICTOR: You bastards!

We'll see what the European Court
of Human Rights has to say about this!

Because I'm not letting it rest here, matey,
and don't think I am!

If Terry Waite can stick it, so can we!

You haven't got the better of us yet!

If I could just reach one of them

Got it!

-Oh, wonderful!

-What's this?
-A lemon?

Is that all there is, Mr Meldrew?

All there

No, wait!
I think I can see a string of bratwurst sausages

just stringed up nicely in the next branch

Of course it's all there is It's a bloody lemon tree
What else do you expect to find on it?

We haven't eaten in two days

Give it here

I suppose there's no sign of life out there still

I can't make it out
There's no officers, no vehicles

The place is as quiet as a graveyard

I can't see much through these trees at all
if it comes to that

I can just make out a sign on the gate

Something ''da Queimada''

Police station, is that?

And some chickens

I mean, it can't be so remote
there's no one on duty in the whole


This isn't happening

Come on!


How did you do that?

How did you unlock it?

I didn't unlock it

(STAMMERING) But how did

It wasn't locked

It was never locked It was just a bit stiff

Oh, God Haven't you worked it out yet?

Worked what out?

Rua da Queimada Doesn't that ring any bells?

This is our villa


You mean it isn't a police cell?

I showed them the address Don't you remember?

We thought they were arresting us
They were just bringing us to the house

That other officer must have picked up the keys
on the way from

Thirty-six hours we've spent
wallowing in our own filth, sucking lemons

''A charming villa to suit any couple''
Such as who? Bill Sikes and Nancy?

By the looks of it,
we'll be lucky if it's got a bloody roof


I don't believe it


I know

Anyway, we're over the worst now hopefully So

Yes 6:30

I'm looking forward to meeting you
in the flesh at long last

See you then, Alfonso Bye

I suppose this new aftershave
is going to be launched on the public again today

like chemical warfare, is it?

I'll be putting it on in just a second, yes

The one that makes you smell like a donkey?

I don't think I'm gonna risk this bed linen

Just as well we brought some of our own
Did you bring that other case? Oh, there it is

I don't know where you get that from
I mean, I'm hardly likely to pay Ł34 7

for an aftershave that makes me
smell like a donkey, am I?

Perfectly good aftershave
I don't know why you've such a downer on it

What is all this?

What the

But didn't you

You didn't

Oh, for crying out loud

I thought you were
supposed to have emptied all this

when you brought the case down from the attic

I thought you'd taken it out

I said I hadn't taken it out

You said you were going to do everything,
pack all the sheets and towels in it on Friday

I said, ''Why do I have to do everything?''
I asked you to pack all the sheets and

I laid them all out on the spare bed ready

You must have seen them
when you took the bloody thing down to the car

Well, I did see

This is what I've got to lie on in bed now, is it?

Ten years' worth of Access statements
and 1 00 copies of the Beezer!

We even had to pay excess baggage
to bring it here

Oh, stillI'm sure we can happily find a use
for this while we're here

I'll just go and see if there's some cheese



Go on Get out of it

Bugger off, the lot of you
Did someone put you up to this?

Go and sniff around someone else

I don't think it's as strong as all that
I'm getting sick of this

I like those

Look at that Italian calf leather

I have looked for a pair like this at home
Do you think I could find anything?

Thanks all the same


Is she all right?

Slap her on the back or something

Oh, God, it's something lodged in her throat

Out of the way Here, let me

Oh, thank you Obrigada.

I don't know what happens Eat too fast, I think

That's all right
I mean, it's called the Heimlich manoeuvre

I saw it demonstrated once
by Susan Stranks on Magpie.

MARGARET: Oh, did you?

I've been waiting all these years
for a chance to use it

You sure you're all right now?

I'm so grateful

I don't know what to say

Yes Well, it's getting on, I think,

and we don't want
to keep your friend Alfonso waiting, do we?

Perhaps you'd like to put her down now, Victor
You've just saved the woman from choking

You don't want to kill her with the aftershave

Ah, Victor

The non-specific urethritis is not giving you
too much trouble tonight, I hope

The scalding sensation
is now improving a little, yes?

Slightly, yes

I feel as if I'm walking through a dream

To think that I'm actually here
after all these years

Shame we never got to meet Maria

Two years is it now, since the accident?

They never found her body presumably

And I don't suppose they ever will

My wife for 26 years

Sometimes she would walk home
from the town along the cliff tops

It is a beautiful walk,

but very dangerous close to the edge

So many times I tell her to be careful,

that the ground can so easily crumble
beneath your feet like

dry fruitcake, you know


one day she goes into town,

she never came back

They found one of her shoes on top of the cliffs,

the other on the rocks below

A torn piece of her dress
caught on some driftwood

The current must have swept her far out to sea

Three weeks later, off the Estoril coast,

two skin divers find an octopus

holding a Gucci handbag

But, you know, it is hopeless

She is gone forever

Three weeks' time
would have been her 53rd birthday

Just before yours, then

She'll be 60 next month

Can I ever forget it?

Oh, I may have moved

Lovely Now just one more Lean in



Oh, that's another roll finished

I seem to have a bag full of these things

I don't know
where they've all come from suddenly

It's been a terrific evening, Alfonso


I'm afraid I've fallen in love with your house

May we take it back with us?

Of course

But you will find it is far too big for one person

For two, perhaps not so bad


How you stick it in this climate is beyond me

Tomorrow you will ring me, Jean,
and I show you the wonders of the Algarve

And perhaps we take you scuba diving, Victor

-Yes, have you got any concrete flippers?
-ALFONSO: Sorry?

Nothing Good night, Alfonso

-Good night

Bye, Alfonso, and thank you again

You two seem to get on like a house on fire


Must have been a terrible ordeal for him,
losing his wife like that

He obviously loved her very much

Did you think so?

-What do you mean?
-Just thought it was a bit odd, that's all

Showed us around every room

and there wasn't a single photograph
of her in the house

No No, I haven't actually managed
to lay my hands on it again as such

Well, it must be round here somewhere
Yeah, ten to one it's in her handbag,

in which case I'll have to pick my moment

Listen, you get that front page ready for Sunday

And you better wear asbestos gloves
because these pictures are hot

Talk to you soon




MRS WARBOYS: Always worried that these things
won't live up to your expectations

But, if anything, I'd say he was even
better looking in the flesh than his photographs

I must have been a big disappointment

Yes, I expect so

What's that supposed to mean?


Go to bed

My skin's gone all dry now
I should've put something on my face

Try a pillow

Oh, be careful if you get up in the night
without your shoes on

I put that mousetrap down
near the bathroom door



I wasn't, was I?

-A disappointment

I think you know the answer to that
as well as I do

It's funny

In the first few months after Chris left,
I was almost ready to drink the Domestos

It never occurred to me that one day I might

(MRS WARBOYS GIGGLING) Just listen to me!

Like some sort of silly schoolgirl

Have a good night, Jean See you in the morning

Night, Margaret

You know, this place isn't as bad as all that really

Once you get used to it


Sorry, Mr Meldrew?

-Good night, Mrs Warboys


Might get some of these developed today
if we can find somewhere

What time are you seeing Alfonso?

We said 1 0:00 at the golf house,

so if you just drop me at the bus stop, I'll be fine

Well, here he comes, the Silver Surfer

I don't think Tom Cruise
has got anything to worry about, do you?

You two ready?

We've been ready for half an hour

We were waiting for you
to finish faffing about up there

VICTOR: Faffing about up where?






Oh, what's this? For us?

-What is it?


Mmm! Mmm!

-Very tasty Did you make this yourself?

It's lovely


Oh, yes

Thank you

Mmm Mmm Delicious

MARGARET: Thank you very much

Watch where you're going,
you blundering great oaf

Why don't you just bury me alive with a shovel
and have done with it?

I'm sorry Did a bit of sand go up your nose?

I'll come and poke it out for you if you like

Oh, no! Look at that now

I've knocked over your bottle of embalming fluid

I sorry about that, man I really am

Victor, for God's sake!

Look at that!

Legs look like they've been pebble-dashed now!

I'll have to go wash it all off

It's too hot for me here I think I'll go for a walk

Oh, right

Before I rot away altogether

And, Hugo, here's a tip

When you're boxing, it's always a good idea

to remain perpendicular to the canvas
That way the audience get a better view

If we ever got sponsorship, you'll have to put
the product logo on the soles of your shoes,

'cause that's the only angle
the camera ever see you from

Oh, hello What have you brought me this time?

-Some roast beef and Yorkshire pudding?

Mmm Thank you

God, you're wonderful, Dad

And you're doing a wonderful job
trying to wind me up

Except, unfortunately, I'm on my holiday
No one in the world is going to upset me

Now can you understand that?

Smell that ozone

Why can't you just accept it, Humphrey?

Your son is a really sane and centred individual

and that kind of self control
is a really rare quality these days

And I know what a big disappointment
it's been to you,

but there's not you or anyone else
can possibly faze him out

Hey! Watch out for the jellyfish!

Hello! How are you?

Oh, don't you remember?

In the shoe shop Isabella

You squeezed me, very tightly I think

You want a drink?

Yes, I think perhaps I will Thank you

Bloody vandals Look at that

I'll never be able to wear this again

Nice walk?



Oh, guess what
I ran into Isabella, the lady from the shoe shop

Oh, yes

-Head first evidently

What did she have stuck in her throat this time?
Your tongue?

My What the hell's that supposed to mean?

She just stopped by to say thank you
for that episode in the shop

I'll see you back at the car


Oh, look who it is! It's the sunbathing mummy!

How is your embalming fluid, big man? All right?

Look at you You're like a bleeding corpse!

Just try one more trick like that, that's all!
One more and see what happens!




Oh, I said you should have come
to the golf with us

You want to see Alfonso's swing!
Like poetry in motion

Oh, there's another roll to put in, by the way

Did you find a shop for the others?

I forgot every word about it actually

Better start getting ready
I've only got three hours

Are you sure you won't change your mind
about tonight?

It's supposed to be a lovely drive,
right up through the mountains,

and Alfonso said the food is out of this world

No, you and Victor go I'm not really in the mood

And, of course, a good detective show

I love them

The Poirots and Miss Marples

It's something I think
we always do much better than the Americans

Apart from Columbo, of course

Oh, you have to admire the way they get

all that period detail of the '70s
exactly right like that

It's a real credit to them

All that period detail?

That's because they were made in the '70s

-What were?
-The Columbos.

They were

You're drunk and we haven't started eating yet

And then again,
none of it's as grizzly as real life, is it?

Oh, you remember that case in Ostrich Gardens?

Man with one arm
went off with that girl from Do-It-All?

They fell in love
while he was changing a light bulb

Well, he was a nasty piece of work
from all accounts

I'm sure you can't change a light bulb
if you've only got one arm

You can if you've still got the receipt

Anyway, they reckon he did his wife in, in a pinch

Drowned her in the bath with Charlie Chester
turned up loud to cover the screams

(VOICE ECHOING) Then buried the body under
the dog kennel in the back garden

and made out she'd just gone missing

Well, of course, one day,
the dog started to get a bit

For God's sake, will you stop this?

I'm sorry

When you talk of drowning

the memory is still very painful

-Forgive me, I should have not shouted
-Oh, no, no, no

It was my fault

I don't know what I was thinking of

I have made up my mind

I can hardly keep my eyes open

Go back now, Jean, and sleep well,

and I will call you in the morning

Night, Alfonso, night Night


-I won't be a second
-Don't go, Alfonso

Wonderful, good

Think, woman

For heaven's sake

Meu Deus! Houve ali um acidente.

Devem ter chocado de frente.

E o outro seguiu viagem e deixou-os aqui.

Acho que deviam todos sair do carro.

Ela está inconsciente.

Ela precisa urgentemente de assisténcia médica.

Puxa-a para cima agora.

Tudo bem.

Ora! Agora é depressa para o hospital!

Where the hell have you gone?

Mrs Warboys!

Where have you disappear

Oh, you stupid, stupid, stupid woman

Why couldn't you stay

Oh, my God!

Is something wrong?

Oh, yes It's my friend
She's had rather a lot to drink

and I think she may have


You're not serious?

I mean, she wasn't in a fit state to walk anywhere

Are you sure she's down there?

Well, I don't know
I've shouted around everywhere

Mrs Warboys!

Are you all right?


If you're down there, say something!

Get to the nearest phone
Ring the coastguard quick as you can

For God's sake, be careful

Mrs Warboys. Mrs Warboys.


Is there anything?

What about my husband?

There must be some sign of him out there
or something I mean

What's happened to him?


(OVER RADIO) ...os amigos da senhora
desaparecida viessem â casa mortuária.

Contemos consigo para fazer uma identificação,
que será útil para nós.


Certo. Vou já tratar disso.

You're Signora Meldrew?

Yes What's happened?

We'd like you both to go to the hospital mortuary

to make an identification

Tenho muita pena de vos fazer vir aqui
em circunstâncias tão trágicas.

He say he's very sorry to bring you here
under such circumstances

Peço-vos que se preparem para um choque.
Não é uma visão muito agradável.

He say to prepare yourself
as it is not a very pleasant sight

Tanto quanto sabemos que o pé da senhora
foi engolido por um tubarão.

He say it appears
that her foot was bitten off by a shark

Oh, my God!

MARGARET: Is this it?

O senhor tome o tempo que quiser,
mas veja se reconhece o pé.

He say take your time and tell him
if you recognise it

Tell him if we Well, is this all there is?

Excuse me?

We thought we were coming here
to look at a body

I mean, where the devil has this come from,
for heaven's sake?

Ele quer saber de onde é o pé.

Foi um pescador de Porches que o trouxe.

Encontrou-o nos intestinos do barracuda morto.

O meu trabalho é tentar descobrir
a quem pertence o pé.

He say a fisherman from Porches
find it in the stomach of a dead barracuda

Now we try to find out who it belongs to

Find out who it

What is this?
A new version of Cinderella by David Lynch?

My wife's upset enough as it is

without you shoving
these grizzly atrocities like this under our

Wait Wait, just a minute

That's not her foot

What do you mean?

She had a large bunion on her big toe
She showed it to me two months ago

Are you sure?

And she always cuts her toenails neater than that

No I'm positive

Whoever this belonged to,
it definitely wasn't Jean


Dr Cardoso na cardiologia imediatamente.

Dr Cardoso na cardiologia imediatamente.

One of us is going to have to ring him
and it's not going to be me

Poor man's already lost one wife over a cliff

What does he use?
Some sort of kamikaze dating agency?

I just cannot believe she was left there like that,

in that condition,

next to a complete sheer drop,

in total darkness

Yes, now, no point blaming yourself

How can you sit and

I wouldn't put it past you

to have trussed her up in a sack
and thrown her in

Oh, for goodness sake!

You have never liked the woman
as long as you've known her

To you, she was just a gibbering old bat

who called round twice a week
to polish off our digestive biscuits

''A plague of locusts with earrings'',
was it, you called her?

You never took a thing she said seriously

or had so much as a civil word for her

Well, I just hope you're satisfied


Oh, bugger off
I'm in no mood for your gormless drivel either

Thank you very



All right, hon

Yeah Love you


A fisherman's offered to drive him over so

Oh, I can't believe it

So how did he sound?

Oh, he sounded tired, I suppose

Maybe he'll grab some sleep on the way back



I haven't even put any of it on today

Go on, get out of here Shush

Bloody aftershave I can't walk five yards now
without getting a snout up my backside

Who runs their marketing research department?
Muffin the Mule?


I'll get it


Water's not heating up properly in that tap now

Think it must be a fault in the boiler
Do you know anything about


Oh, God!

I never thought I'd see you again

How do you feel?

How do I feel?

I've just spent seven hours
of total sensory deprivation

throwing up
and pulling live herrings out of my underpants,

only to be driven back here by a trained chimp

inside a vehicle with all the comfort
of a runaway cement mixer

All because Wacky Races across the road

tells me someone's fallen into the sea,

when all that's happened
is her bloody shoe's come off!

And you want to know how I feel?

In words of one sodding syllable,

this is how I feel!

-Yes, yes, you can do it

Go, go, go, go, go!

It's in there

I always knew it was in there

I think I need a bath

-MARGARET: Are we coming back here after lunch?
-I expect so

I might go and apologise
to that bloke over the road later on

for last night and everything


Excuse me

Hang on

Take that, will you? Obrigada.

So, there

Obviously you would like some time

I cannot expect you to give an answer right away


I know it's barely a week
since we met face to face,

but, of course

over the years, really, I've

I feel I've got to know you


I'm sorry

It will be that business call

Please forgive me, Jean

My mouth's gone quite dry

I'll go and get us a refill

MARTIN: No, fair's fair

No, I've mucked you about

No, I understand I have mucked you about

Tell you what I'll do New offer

I'm prepared to let you have it for 1 00 grand

less the cost of processing and developing,

which, according to my notes here, comes to


Or about Ł5 for every bone I've had broken
in my body getting the bloody thing back

Yeah, it should be here in a second, yeah

Yeah, on its way Hot from the presses

-There, sir

Yeah You'll be pleased to hear
that I have in my hand the merchandise

Prints and negatives of a set of photographs

that is going to send
shock waves throughout the

What the bloody hell is this?

This isn't the film I gave you

What're you trying to do to me?

Este é o rolo que vocé me deu para revelar.
Por que eu havia de querer enganá-lo?

Essas são as fotografias que estavam nele.
Eu não tenho culpa, homem.

Oh, no

This is some kind of cruel joke

I bet I

It's coming back to me now

For some reason...

-but there was nobody here
-It's all clear.

She never had it in the first place

because it never fell on the floor in the first place

because I'd already put it back in my pocket

I have travelled halfway across bloody Europe

getting half killed, looking for a roll of film

that all the time was inside the lining
of my own bleeding jacket!

Sim. Obrigada.

What are you doing?

You kept them all this time

One on the cliff,

one on the rocks?

That's how they were found?

Please put them down, Jean

These are the shoes she was wearing

the day she fell?


I don't think she did fall from that cliff at all

-What are you trying

Look at them, Alfonso

Can't you see?

Couldn't anyone see
what's staring you in the face?


They are both

left shoes


But that isn't possible

They're from two different pairs

They're not identical

but they're quite similar enough
for someone in a hurry

to pick them both up thinking they went together

and plant them on the cliff

with a torn dress

to make it look as if there'd been an accident

No woman
would ever have made this mistake, Alfonso

Mind your legs I'll just give you a top-up


Sorry about this

Think the pilot went out or something

Your dad's having a look at it now

That's the business

Oh, yes


I'll get it

Oh, hello

I Is your husband in?

I think I owe him an apology
for last night and everything

He's in the bath at the moment
If you'd just like to wait a sec

HUMPHREY: Shirley, can you
give me a hand in here?

Hang on

I'm needed in the kitchen


For goodness sake!

Out! Come on

Will you stop following me?

Where did you come from anyway?


For goodness sakes

Come on


Will you stop following me?


Oh, yes

Some of that

That's nice

You're doing a terrific job

That's lovely


Just absol

How are you this morning?

Should have expected it really

All the people on holiday in Portugal,

you have to pick a fight with a professional boxer

No wonder he went berserk

I should think that's the first time

a donkey's ever been floored with a left hook

How's that going down?

All right?

Can you manage any more or



Jean is late

I hope everything is all right over there

She said she had a feeling
Alfonso might propose to her today

Perhaps I'll just give them a quick ring



I expect so

It's ringing, but there's no answer


Something's wrong

I have that feeling

Something I don't know


(MUMBLING) You're justto go over there
watch televisionin the first place

It's ever since you've said that,

about why there were no pictures of his wife

And that night in the restaurant,
with those murder stories

Why would he get all agitated?

I think we should go over there, Victor Now!


Well, yes No!

I don't know

Look, I'll drive Just stick your shoes on

Quickly I hate to think what we might find


MRS WARBOYS: It's funny how you can
go on deceiving yourself,

ignoring what your insides
have been telling you all the time

It was

whenever I mentioned her name

something happened to his eyes

Suddenly he wasn't looking at me anymore

she never came back

He was looking through me.

They found one of her shoes

Back to another world.

-on top of the cliffs
-A world he could never recapture.

When I saw the shoes,

that's when I started to guess
that the whole thing was an invention.

The torn dress on the rocks...

even the handbag in the sea.

It all added up to one thing.

His wife had faked her own death

to go and live with someone else

Faked her own death?

Alfonso worshipped Maria

She was his life

She knew that if she just ran away,
he'd only come after her

Hound her to the end of his days

She had to make him believe
she was gone forever


even at the suggestion
another man had been in the house

helping her to plant the evidence,

it was as if I wasn't there anymore

Everything that was sacred to her memory

he'd kept hidden away in the cellar.

He just couldn't let go.

He started searching then
through all her belongings for some sort of clue.

He said he had to know for certain if it was true.

Then suddenly he remembered.

A few years before,

a business trip she'd made to Faro,
to see a male colleague.

At the time, he half suspected
she might have been...


from somewhere he found a phone number...

and, of course,

who should answer it, but...



Inácio. Inácio.

After that there was no reasoning with him.

Mas tu não vias que nunca me podia
ter ido simplesmente embora.

MRS WARBOYS: He said he needed
some time to himself now.

Please, Jean

MRS WARBOYS: That it wouldn't change
anything between the two of us.

To wait a couple of days and he'd call me

and we'd pick up where we left off.

This makes no difference between us

I will call you in two days

MRS WARBOYS: And I knew then

that I'd never see him again.

I'm sorry I was in a bit of a state
when I got back last night

I'm afraid it's all rather knocked me for six


turned out for the best

You never said a truer word, Mr Meldrew,

and I appreciate that very much

Aah! Ow!



I wasn't all that keen
on coming to Portugal at first,

but now that we're about to leave,

I never want to see the bloody place again
as long as I live

Yes, that's the good thing
about having a really miserable holiday

It makes the going home such a positive joy

Like the last time we got back
from our holiday abroad

to find our house had been demolished

Oh, yes
Funny, you can laugh about it now, can't you?

I suppose you can't, really


I guess we'll have to look lively in minute

We've got a long drive back to the airport

Make sure I've got my passport and everything

Oh, yes I haven't seen those yet, have I?

-What's that? Another album's worth?

That roll of film, you know, we thought we'd lost

Found it in the car yesterday

Must've fallen out of
someone's pocket or something

when they were in the back seat

Now, if I'm right,

these should start the day
we drove down through the mountains

Where are we?

My God

-VICTOR: What is it?
-What's wrong?

Is that

Oh, surely not

Or is it someone who just looks like him?

It can't be him

Look, where did these come from?

How should I know?

Where do things ever come

Oh, my God, look It gets worse

Do you see what they're doing in this one,
Mr Meldrew?

Something beginning with ''H''


It's one of those professional lookalikes
or something

It must be

It's just a practical joke

by whoever had the car before us

It's filth, whatever it is,

and I don't want to look at any more of it


I suppose we'd better ask for the bill

Time's getting on

Conta, por favor.

I've got some Portuguese money I could pay

MARGARET: Are you sure?


Airport please, aeroporto.

Quick as you can, please


Do you need to go anywhere before we leave,
Mr Meldrew?

No, thank you

MRS WARBOYS: It's funny how the penicillin
never managed to clear it up

VICTOR: Do you mind
if we talk about something else?

MRS WARBOYS: Am I driving us back?

VICTOR: I thought I'd hitch a ride on
a giant slug this time to speed things up



# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

VICTOR: Hello! Hello!

Hello. Oh, hell... I can't hear myself think!

Stop it!

Will you turn off that ruddy racket?

# They tell me I am well past my prime

# The landlord in the sky's calling time

# But there's one thing that he ought to know

# I am not yet ready to go

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, but don't shed a tear

# I'm not exactly a little old dear

# One thing's for sure, I'm still bloody well here

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #

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