One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 4, Episode 6 - Secret of the Seven Sorcerers - full transcript

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

MAN: (OVER RADIO)
So on line 2 we have Patrick.

Good evening to you, Patrick.
And what's your question for Mimsy Berkowitz?

PATRICK: Well, it's a bit of a tricky one but, um,



put simply, my wife and I live next door
to a madman.

If I tell you a few weeks ago
he put a specially trained crab up my shorts

when I was asleep in the garden,

and that I had to be rushed to hospital
with it hanging between my legs,

like a passenger on a tube train,
uh, you'll get some idea of the problem.

What's tricky is that they've invited us
round to their house tomorrow for a meal,

to try and patch things up.

I just wonder if we should risk it?

MIMSY: It does sound a delicate one, this.
But I think on balance, I would...

Is something wrong with this phone?

Oh, sorry, yes!
It only takes incoming calls at the moment

They were supposed to have fixed it

Is everything all right, Jean?
You've been really fidgety all night

Margaret, do you mind if we go and sit down?



Why, whatever is it?

(LAUGHING)

It's

I think I'm going to be sick

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

I can hardly bring myself to even talk about it

I think Chris is having an affair

Very good, very good

An affair? Who with?

You know the woman who lives two doors
along from us,

lost her husband in that ear-syringing accident?

Well, a couple of weeks ago,

this flew off her washing line and into my garden

You see where all this

The colour's been bleached out of the stripes
down here, at the bottom?

-Yes, but what's that got to do
-Acne gel

Sorry?

It's what Chris puts
on the back of his neck every night

The stripes on his shirt collars
are exactly the same

Oh, Jean, you can't be serious

His head's been on this pillow, Margaret
I know it has

I know you just think I'm being melodramatic
and everything, but

Well

Perhaps we'll soon have some proof

I've hired a private detective to follow him about,

see if they go anywhere together

I've got to find out, Margaret,
one way or the other

If I did find out he'd been

Oh, I don't know what I'd do

I think I I just might kill myself

(GUFFAWING)

Spam, spam, baked beans and spam

That's very funny, very funny

I know, Jean But you can't just

Well

Why don't you phone the conference hotel
and put your mind at rest?

Well, I suppose we could meet up for some lunch

But I've got a bit of a hectic day tomorrow

Well, Patrick and Pippa are coming in the evening

And Victor's got his conjurer's group meeting here
at half past

Oh, God knows, Jean

They all go round each other's houses once a week
and fish a hanky out of a hat

A cross between The Magic Circle and Dad's Army.

Yes, yes, all right, I will

And do try to stop fretting Yes Okay, bye

Are you coming to bed tonight or what?

Remember you've got a job
to go to tomorrow morning

I'll be up in time for work
I just want to test this out for tomorrow,

make sure it's in working order

Utterly pathetic

Oh!

I trust that one with the gammy elbow isn't going
to start sawing himself in half again this time?

Mr Henstridge? I'm not sure if he's coming
He had a bit of a heart scare last week

I thought we'd never get the stains out

It's a good job we've got a red carpet
is all I can say

(POPPING)

What happened there?
That's not supposed to do that

(FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING)

I don't believe it!

You can go down this time,
I've had enough for one day

-FIRE OFFICER: Exploded chip pan?
-What?

Excuse me, sir Can we get through, please?
Come on, lads

-Look!
-Straight through

I did not call the sodding fire brigade

My house is not on fire, will you please go away!

Oh, isn't it?

Sorry, lads, as you were

This is the third time this week your lot have been
round I'm getting pretty bloody sick of it

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sir, but as you'll appreciate,
we've got to take every call seriously

Now then, you've no idea who these
pranksters are that keep ringing us up?

No!

Presumably it's somebody I've annoyed
in the past who's trying to get their own back

MARGARET: We've drawn up
a shortlist of 5,000 names!

Yeah, right Well, I'm sorry
for the inconvenience, sir Good night to you

Good night!

Bastards

Morning, Mr Meldrew Keeping your bowels open?

Sorry?

Didn't see you there Sugar Frosties actually

Yes, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a laxative
in a job like that

Busy old road, isn't it?
How are you settling now, all right?

Very well thank you Picked it up straight away,
no problems of any kind

Oh, good, good, that's nice, yes

No one's said anything to you about
Psycho Sam as yet, then?

-(STUTTERING) Psycho Sam?
-No, no, no, that's fine if they haven't

There's no point in making you
a bag of nerves before you start

That's just what you don't want

In any case, I'm not sure he hasn't had
his heavy goods licence withdrawn

After what happened last Friday afternoon
with your predecessor

Last Fri What happened last Friday afternoon?
What about my predecessor?

Oh, yes, it's a shame about old Bertie Nice old
chap as well, yeah Very popular with the children

Shame about old Bertie? Who's Bertie?
What are you talking about?

Anyway, I better scoot I've got to pop
Auntie Ciss down the rodent control at 9:00

So see you about, I expect,

and don't go worrying about articulated lorries,
you'll be absolutely fine

Articulated

(FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING)

Oh, a bit of a to-do out here
by the looks of things

Well, bye-bye to you then, Mr Meldrew

You got a lollipop man in here
stuck inside a smoke-filled urinal?

Oh, shit!

I've got to dash I've put some coffee out
if you want to help yourself

-Your money's on the kitchen table
-Champion Thanks very much

Oh, you're off early

Well, Meg's gone sick and I've got to do
a couple of hours at the shop

And then I'm seeing Jean for lunch

I haven't had a minute to think about
food for tonight

Well, that's all right, I do them one of my specials

Oh, are you sure?
I think there's some mince in the fridge

-I'll see you later!
-Yes, bye!

Ah, here we are What did I tell you,
my horoscope for the day

''Do not under any circumstances go round
for a meal tonight at Victor Meldrew's

''unless accompanied by a trained exorcist''

I would ring up and cancel but I suppose
it's a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really?

Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight

I wonder what bizarre aquatic species
I can expect in the groin this time

Stingray up the rectum?

Perhaps I'll just get off lightly
with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin

Can you see an old dirty floor-cloth by the door?

Um, yup

Well, would you mind shoving it
in your bloody mouth!

Oh, very good, very good

Mmm, I think this is going to be
one of my good ones

Now the magic formula

Two ''tsps'' of chilli powder

in a cup of water

And one half ''tsp'' of cumin

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Harold, are you well? Come on in

Good morning, Arthur, go and sit yourselves down

I've just got to finish off a bit of cooking
for tonight and I'll be right with you

Oh, you need a hand with that

I mean, what is it?

Do you get some kind of sick, perverted pleasure
out of rowing with our neighbours?

Yes

Anyone would think we were living
in a Dennis Wheatley novel or something,

the way you carry on

They're just a normal couple like you and me,
trying to lead normal everyday lives

(MAN SCREAMING)

I suppose we could try wearing crucifixes

Hello? Um, ambulance,
as quick as you can, please

British Telecom

Never repair your phones Come on

MARGARET: Victor!

Who are you ringing? What's happened?

It's old Mr Henstridge,
we think he may have had a heart attack

Right in the middle of one of his tricks,
he just suddenly Hello?

MARGARET: Leave it, leave it

Everybody, just please leave it, we'll deal with it

Just, everybody, please go!

It's Mr Henstridge

-We think it might be his heart
-Yes, we know all about it

And we'll deal with it If you'll just go Why don't
you just leave it and come back for that later?

Come on, out you Out you go!

That's it, goodbye!

Uh, how is he How is he, Jean?
Is there anything there?

I can definitely feel
a slight flutter here somewhere

Oh, my God, Jean!

Help me get his head back

That's it

Now then

Wait a minute Just a second, dear

How many has he got in here?

Bloody things!

-I think he's starting to respond, Margaret
-Oh!

Perhaps we should get him outside
into some fresh air

Okay Mr Henstridge, can you get up?

-That's it
-Good

-That's it Here we go
-Right

Upsy-daisy

MRS WARBOYS: Lean on me, that's it

MARGARET: That's it
MRS WARBOYS: Yes

-That's it
-Yes

Good fellow

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(GROANING)

Oh, no!

His pulse doesn't seem too bad now

Ambulances can take an eternity up here

Maybe we should get him
to the hospital ourselves

Morning, Mrs Meldrew
Anything I can do to help at all?

What's happened? Is he dead?
I feel just about ready to join him

Ambulance said it'd be a good 20 minutes yet

Would you keep that door closed!

It's all under control

We've managed to get him out of there
And he seems to be all right

Mr Swainey very kindly said he'd run him
up to hospital just to be on the safe side

You're going to be late for your next shift
if you don't look lively

Look, just go Jean and I will tidy up the mess

Are you sure? Well, look, I'll speak to you later

And

I'm sorry about all this

Right

You ready?

Right!

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Afternoon, Mr Meldrew
You're still in one piece, then?

Evidently

Oh, by the way, your old gentleman
Mr Henstridge was fine in the end

They gave him a thorough going-over in casualty

and I'm just trying to get him home now
in time for tea

What But This isn't Mr Henstridge

This is Mr Matthews

He hasn't got a weak heart

This is the chap your wife asked me
to take down to the hospital

Asked you to take down

Well, where's Mr Henstridge, then?
When I left him, he

Oh, I don't believe it

-You don't mean he's still inside the trunk!
-What?

Did nobody explain there what happened?

He asked us to chain him up inside,
said he'd escape in 30 seconds flat

After 1 0 minutes it all went quiet,
then Mr Gridley found he'd lost the key

and Mr Matthews here passed out from shock

I told them to keep searching
while I went for an ambulance

I mean, surely to goodness someone must have

Oh, my God!

He's been in there now for five bloody hours!

Now, what did she say? This one's mayonnaise

this one's blue cheese,
and I think this one's Thousand Island

-So what's this one then?
-I think that's an ashtray, isn't it?

Looks suspiciously like pigeon droppings to me

If you're going to keep
making disgusting remarks all night,

you're going to get this lot right in your face

Can you see a butter knife at all?

Well, there's bound to be one
round here somewhere

Yes, here we are

I wonder what he uses to cut his toenails
at night A combine harvester?

You sure you won't join us for the evening?

Victor's made enough chilli here
to feed a regiment

Thank you, Margaret, but I think
I'd better get home and call you-know-who

See how the investigation's been progressing

Yes, well, Chris comes home tomorrow
and then you'll find

you've been worrying yourself
over nothing at all, you'll see

Yes Well, bye, Margaret Talk to you soon

-Yes, if you feel like ringing, at any time
-Oh, I will, yes!

-Bye-bye
-Bye

Right then! Sorry about that

Now, I expect Victor will be a while yet

and I've still got a couple of things
to see to in the kitchen,

so you just make yourselves at home

Yes, I'll just settle down
and get comfortable sitting on this machete

It's like spending an evening
at the Munsters coming round here

You wonder what nameless horror
you're gonna come across next

(MAN GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

Too grisly for words, surely to God

What is it now?

-Well, listen Listen to this
-Let me out!

Yes, very good

You should be on The Paul Daniels Show.

Paul Da That wasn't me, you witless woman

That wasn't an impromptu display
of my ventriloquial dexterity,

there's somebody in the bloody trunk Listen

There's a body inside here

What My God!

(METALLIC RATTLING)

I can hear chains rattling inside

In the name of God, what kind of a sadist is he?

MARGARET: Here we are, then

I'm sorry,
I forgot to offer you both a drink, didn't I?

Now, what would you like?

I think there's some martini,
I'm not sure whether Victor's left any whisky

(PHONE RINGING)

(BEEPING)

VICTOR: Margaret? It's me.

Look, I'm on my way home
and I'm on Mr Swainey's car phone so I...

(VOICE CRACKLING ON PHONE)

...Mr Henstridge is still inside my big trunk
in the sitting room,

tied up in a sack
with handcuffs on and everything...

(VOICE CRACKLING)

...out of there for God's sake, as soon as possible,

before that gormless twerp and her husband
next door show up, you know what they're like.

I don't know where the key is...

(VOICE CRACKLING)

Oh, bugger this bloody...

(MACHINE BEEPS)

Oh, God above!

No, wait

We need someone who can get this thing open

(GROANING)

WINDOW CLEANER: Oh, my God!
What have I done to deserve this?

(SOBBING)

Yes, hello Could you put me through
to the fire brigade, please?

Did somebody here call us?

No reply from the Warboys residence,
they must be on their way

Oh, I gave Mrs Henstridge a quick ring

Said it'd be a while
before his back straightens out

but otherwise he's recovering
quite well considering

I don't know whether this was such a good idea

I just thought if we could get the pair of them
out for the evening,

it might take her mind off this ridiculous

-Ah!
-Oh!

Sorry I'm late

Chris took the wrong turning
on the new one-way system

Oh, right So where is he, parking the car?

No No, he won't be joining us

He just gave me a lift here
on his way to the office to collect some things

It's all over between us, I'm afraid

We talked it all through
and decided it was for the best

And as there didn't seem much point in
in prolonging the agony,

he's moving in with her tomorrow morning

So it was true in the end?
That woman next door but one?

Oh, what? Oh, no, no, no

Of course it wasn't That was me
just barking up the wrong tree as usual

Well, who's he moving in with?

That's the worst part of it all, I'm afraid

The private detective

The private

Apparently he spotted her after the first couple
of days, following him around

They got chatting

He said it was silly of them
to keep taking two cars everywhere

when they could both go in his

Seems they just hit it off together straight away

Everything's gone just as wrong
as it could have really

Yes, it generally does

One thing you can be sure about in life,

just when you think that things
are never ever going to get better,

they suddenly get worse

Yes

Although, right now, it's hard to imagine how

(POPPING)

All right, everybody, no need to panic!

This is just a precaution

Somebody upstairs has set fire
to a tablecloth with his candle

If you'd all like to exit through that door,
we'll have it under control soon!

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #