One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Man Who Blew Away - full transcript
Mr. Foskett,a holiday acquaintance of the Meldrews from some years ago,comes to visit,accompanied by two small boys whom the Meldrews realize are not his sons only after they have all eaten a meal. Foskett was previously suicidal following his first wife's death but has now married again. Unfortunately he takes a call to say his wife has left him and locks himself in the bathroom. Later,wearing only a towel,he attempts to jump off the roof. He is taken to the police station but kills himself there. The return of the Meldrews' stolen car is little comfort,given the state of it.
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
Amazing the adverts they put in the local
''Cane my young traffic warden's bottom''
''Listen to a housewife moan''
I can do that any day
''Hear my massive 46-inch breasts''
Hear my massive 46-inch breasts?
How? What's she got, cowbells on them?
''Available via PIN number''
Rang one of these numbers up once
It's about as erotic as Amy Turtle
Well, that's that read from cover to cover
Madness Unutterable madness
What have we got here?
What in the name of bloody hell?
What was the last thing I said to you
before I went out
about keeping an eye on the weather for me?
How am I supposed to put these on?
Spin round like Wonder Woman?
I'd throw these socks away except
they'd probably keep coming back
Did you see this? What I just found
in one of those crackers you bought?
No But do please tell me
Question ''What's the difference
between Victor Meldrew
''and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?''
Answer ''They're both useless tossers''
Can you believe that?
Inside one of those crackers
Where did you say you got them?
I can't remember
Cardigan Crescent, I think, the Happy Shopper
Happy Shopper? Do you know what?
Somebody has been tampering with these
Poking these things in the end
with the end of a screwdriver or something
Same person or persons unknown I presume
who were responsible for this little piece
of unpleasantness I found this afternoon
Sticking out the top of our wheelie bin
if you please
Mrs Blithery at number 25
nearly had a heart attack,
thought we were leaving dead bodies
out for the dustmen
Just kids, I expect, playing pranks
It doesn't even work
Look, it's got, ''What's the difference between''
And then it says we're both useless tossers
How is that the difference?
That's not the difference
That's what we've got in common
Now, if it said, ''Why is Victor Meldrew like a chef
''who keeps dropping his pancakes?
Because we're both useless tossers,''
then it would work
It'd be a proper joke then, but it doesn't
I mean, it's not even logical
They haven't even taken the trouble
to think it through properly
-before poking the bloody
-Yes, all right!
Can we drop it now, please?
Don't know how many of these things
are circulating out there, now do we?
Evil little buggers
Still haven't got over them sticking
that live frog through the letter box
Nor has the frog
Wondered what it was croaking away
in my bath water yesterday morning
Thought at first it was
that beans and toast I had for breakfast
Yes, well, of course, most people would realise
it was a frog as soon as they'd picked it up,
instead of spending two minutes
trying to squash it onto a new bar of Palmolive
Is there a cup left in here for me?
when you've finished with the Cadbury's fondue
But it felt like a piece of soap in the water
and I hadn't got my glasses on
Anyway, how was your day?
You're late back Buses up the creek again?
I didn't come straight back
I told you I was going to stop off
to give old Mrs Tebbings another driving lesson
Taking a bit of a risk, weren't you?
Going out with her after dark
Woman's got precious little
sense of direction as it is
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, how many people do you know
who sit in the lavatory facing the cistern?
It took six lessons to stop her putting her hands
in front of her eyes whenever she went downhill
All is well so long as she's happy
to pay me a few quid
I suppose it gives her an interest in life
Especially now her cat's getting
a bit old and past it
Now that its eyesight's going
Chased a mouse upstairs
into the bathroom last week,
ended up nearly choking to death
on a pumice stone
She said she's thinking of getting it
Contact lenses? For a cat?
How? What's she gonna do?
Show it a chart with
different sized tins of Whiskas on?
Of course, you know the story,
it wasn't even her cat in the first place
It just turned up in her garden one day
with a little metal disc in the collar saying,
''If found, please return
to so and so at this address''
-Know what she did?
-Sent them back the collar
If you've ever heard anything so daffy
So, what are you thinking?
Is it the Peugeot still?
Or the Astra possibly I'm not sure
God Three months, is it, now?
I still can't believe anyone would steal your car
outside a garden centre in Purley
I know Just when I thought
we were never gonna get rid of the bloody thing!
Yes, it's been a complete disaster
from the day we first bought it
Never knew what was going to seize up next
Oh, the bliss when we came out of that tea shop
and discovered that some poor sod had nicked it
It was like having a very unpleasant boil lanced
Do you realise
Do you realise that for the first time in our lives
we're actually going to benefit
from an insurance policy?
I'll get it
(TYPING ON KEYBOARD)
Are you nearly finished in there for tonight?
Seven hours you've been at it now
I said don't you think it's time you were
taking Denzil out for his walk?
Well, that's just perfect, isn't it?
What's the problem?
There are other things he needs to do out there
besides walk, you know
I'm not blowing this presentation
to Leibnitz and Wang for anything
If I get this contract, it could mean the difference
between life and death
We could drop the price on this house
and move next door to something vaguely human
Something that has a reflection in a mirror
VICTOR: Oh, no!
What What do you mean?
This is the absolute bloody limit
For God's sake
6:2 7 Early one tonight
VICTOR: In the name of sanity!
Oh! Tell me that I'm still asleep,
that this is just a bad dream
You're not asleep It's not a dream
They've found our car!
And it's not my bloody fault!
After three months? Whereabouts?
Are you stark raving mad?
Finland? That car couldn't get to Finchley!
What did they do?
Tow it there with a team of reindeer?
I'm just telling you what he said
He said a local woodcutter found it
abandoned in the middle of a forest
still with our plants and boxes of Phostrogen
on the back seat
He said they've kept his name and address
in case we want to give him a reward
Give him a reward?
I'll give him a bloody thick ear if I ever see him!
Who would want to go to Finland
in the first place?
I don't know!
Here, ring Judith Chalmers
While I go and put your socks in the grill pan!
Thank you, St Total Bastard,
the patron saint of insurance companies
I don't know why I bother
Is it drivable still or what?
Well, it's supposed to be, according to
Look at this For crying out loud
MARGARET: The man who sold it to us
did say it was a very fast-growing variety
I mean, you think they'd have had the sense
to prune it now and again Look at it
Clings like bloody Super Glue, this stuff
Yes, well, Patrick and Pippa
have offered me a lift in So
I think they're having lunch
with one of his business clients or something
Ready when you are, Margaret
-You need anything while I'm out?
You can see if Halfords do a large
and very hungry goat
-Thanks a lot, Pippa That's just the job
-You're very welcome
Oh, Patrick, don't forget your presentation
Oh, Margaret, I know what I meant to say
I think I've got a pair of Y-fronts
belonging to you at home
They must have blown across into the garden
the other night
Thought when I was ironing them, I didn't think
Patrick had a pair with a blue waistband
Anyway, I put them to one side in the bedroom
-Pop them round later, all right?
-There's no rush
Bye, then I hope it all goes well for you
Look, is that them?
A blue waistband?
What's the matter with you?
This is the mother of all nightmares
you pray will never happen
I'm about to go into the most important
business meeting in my career
wearing Victor Meldrew's underpants
You what Oh, you didn't put
-Come on, they've seen us
-I can't move
My entire genital area has gone into trauma
For goodness sake, pull yourself together
and remember who you're meeting
This must be how John Hurt felt
with that alien in his stomach
Mrs Blithery, how are you today?
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Finland of all the places
It's a wonder we haven't heard
from the astronauts in the space shuttle
''Hello, Mr Meldrew
''We just found a D registration Honda
up here orbiting the earth
''We think it might belong to you''
Oh, by the way, I forgot to say
I solved the mystery of that practical joker
You know, the rubber hand
and the crackers and the frog and everything
Apparently, it was that Mr Grimwade's children
You know, two doors down from the post office
Do you know them?
I can't say as I do, no
No, I didn't remember him
Anyway, he came up to me in Asda's today
and said he couldn't apologise enough
for their behaviour
and he was gonna make certain
that it never happened again,
which I thought was very decent of him
It depends if they take any notice
We'll be finding severed heads
under the rockery now, I expect, before long
I thought the weatherman said
it was gonna be a bit warmer tonight
-What were you looking at?
Where's my cup of tea?
What were you looking at?
I think Mr and Mrs Aylesbury
are having one of their parties
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
I can't take much more of this!
2:30 in the morning
(THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING)
Oh, in the name of mercy!
(GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)
God! Good God
(GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)
It's more than flesh and blood can stand!
I don't know how on earth
you can sleep through it
I was just getting off then
Not an ounce of consideration
for anyone but themselves
Look at that There's half a dozen of them
on the front lawn now
doing Chuck Berry duck walks
Oh, come back to bed
No one else in this street
is remotely bothered, only us
Oh, hang on Here's one that's got away
I'm gonna have that Come here, matey
That's got you!
Now where's that safety pin?
That's made you feel a whole lot better, has it?
Very slightly, yes
It's getting on for 3:00
They can't go on for much longer
Another half hour and they'll all have
packed up and gone home
Just have a bit of patience
(GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)
Don't tell me they've stopped
9:30 in the morning
I can't have had more than an hour's sleep
in the entire night
Well, at least it's Sunday today
We've no reason to get up before lunch time
Just be thankful for that
That's a nice thought
00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:16,603
MAN: Good morning. Mr Meldrew?
It's Mr Foskett
Oh, you're joking?
Here's a memory test for you, Mr Meldrew.
I wonder if you can cast your mind
back over 1 7 years
to Mrs Mosley's guesthouse
And I wonder if you remember
the small man with the moustache
who had to walk through your bedroom every night
to get to the toilet?
1 7 years ago last summer it was.
How about if I say the name Mr Foskett?
Mr Foskett, fancy hearing from you
after all this time
Well, you said if I was ever in the vicinity
to be sure to look you up so...
Obviously I wouldn't just descend on you
without giving you a ring first.
No, no, so where are you at the moment?
I'm outside your front door.
Yes, I'm on the mobile.
They're wonderful things, aren't they?
Oh, sorry, I just knocked your doorbell.
He's here He's outside
Yes. I thought I better give him a buzz first,
make sure he's still alive.
He'll not thank me otherwise...
Yes, hang on a minute, Mr Foskett
We'll be right down
That's all we needed Where are my trousers?
What are we? Cursed this bloody weekend?
Mr Foskett, as I live and breathe Are you well?
You're sure I've not caught you
at an awkward moment or anything?
My God You lost some hair
Still, we've all of us changed, haven't we?
There's me now, the father of two
Can you believe it?
Sometimes, you know, I do believe Mrs Meldrew
-Remember me? Face from the past
-Mr Foskett My gosh
Well, come on, Victor, are we going to let them in?
Oh, yes Yes, in you come
I was just saying I can't imagine
being without them now
Young David and Martin
They really light up my life
They give me
Oh, I don't know, such a sense of purpose,
a fulfilment that words can't express
Yes, well, why don't I go and make some coffee?
Have you had any breakfast at all yet?
Since we were down here visiting my wife's sister,
who's just moved into a little cottage
in Wigston Parva, just off the 51 20,
I don't know if you know it
Anyway, I thought, why not?
Of course, you hesitate at first
'cause people don't always
wanna see you after 1 7 years
For all I know, you may be praying
you never set eyes on me again
I think it's nice if you can meet up with people,
don't you? However long it's been
Oh, by the way, that address you gave me
doesn't actually exist
I thought that a bit odd at first, but
Well, I expect I must have copied it down
wrong somewhere along the line
Anyway, thank goodness
for the old phone book, eh? 'Cause here I am
So, how you been keeping?
You still got that job on the security desk?
No As a matter of fact
Of course, it was just after that summer holiday
that my wife left me
Penelope, for another man
To say I couldn't deal with it,
oh, that's the understatement of all time
You know that feeling when the world
just seems to stop turning?
I lost me job, was on all sorts of medication,
and in the space of three years
I tried to kill meself 1 3 times,
which I won't depress you with now
Six attempted overdoses, two exhaust jobs,
three times I tried to jump off the roof,
but they always talked me down
I expect that begs the question
of how serious you are
and, of course, I won't show you
the scars on me wrist Look at that
Actually it's a miracle I survived
Anyway, one day in she walked,
the new love of my life
Loretta We got married,
had two of the loveliest children on this earth
I can't believe what it's done for me
It's a shame that she's got a migraine today
I'd love you to see her sometime
Anyway, enough of my life story
What's been happening to you all this while?
-Oh, that was a funny old place, wasn't it?
Do you remember that mynah bird
that used to impersonate Kenneth Wolstenholme?
which, of course,
is quite a turn-up for the books,
after 46 years to find you're allergic to Sellotape
So, then they had to transfer me
to the invoicing department
where I stayed for another seven months
and that was that
I didn't really mind when the time came
I've never been short of outside interest
And, of course, my passion
for antique dentures remains undiminished
Are there anymore of those jam tarts?
Hmm? What? Oh Hang on
Healthy old appetite
they've got for their age, haven't they?
Yes, I think it must be
nigh on 300 pairs I have now
It's been a long while since I counted them last
-My collection of false teeth
I don't suppose that's something
that interests you
Bit of an obscure hobby, really
Yes No I mean, no, no, no,
it sounds absolutely fascinating
Yeah, well, the oldest set I've got
dates back to the 1 830s
and belonged, we think, to an Italian nobleman
who had a rather unusual contour
to his upper palate
Perhaps if you've got an afternoon free,
you'd like to come up and have a look
Yeah, that would be a treat indeed, Mr Foskett
-Actually, I don't want to be slightly rude
-Oh, my goodness me, is that the time?
Oh, talk about outstaying your welcome
When I go rattling on, I don't know
Yes, that's all right
I just have to make a quick phone call, if I may,
to see how Loretta and the boys are getting on
and then I'll be on my way
What did you say?
-Loretta and the boys?
Yes, my two sons, David and Martin
I mentioned them earlier Don't you remember?
Well, yes, but they're in there surely
What, my two sons?
No! My boys are only three and four
I hope they've got better table manners
than those two
Well, I assumed
You mean, they're not your grandchildren?
Who the bloody hell are you, for goodness sakes?
-What the hell are you doing in my house?
Dad told us to come round
He said we had to apologise
for freaking you out with the frog
and the snowman and all that
You've eaten half the food in our larder!
You gave it to us
Get out! Go on, you greedy little gannets
Coming round here like a swarm of army ants
Get out! Get out!
Can we have our hand back?
You'll get my hand
if I ever see you round here again
And you can keep away from our garage
in future as well while you're at it!
You miserable old git!
Don't go in there for a minute
I'll get that dustpan
Something the matter? You all right?
Gone? Gone where?
She's left me She didn't say where
Just told her sister to tell me
that it wasn't working anymore
and the boys would be better off without me
She didn't have a migraine after all
Are you okay? You look a bit faint
No, I'm fine
I'll just have a glass of water, if I may
I was wondering
if we should ring for a taxi or something
Is he out of the bath yet?
I think he must be having a good soak up there
I thought it best not to disturb him
-He hasn't locked the bathroom door?
The man's tried to kill himself 1 3 times as it is
A thing like this I mean
Well, you could see how close to the edge he was
What if he gets in the medicine cabinet?
Oh, for goodness sake
You've been watching too many soap operas
What's he gonna do?
Hang himself with some dental floss?
Just stay perfectly still!
There's no point, Mr Meldrew
There's no point anymore
Just stop, just for a second,
while we talk about this
(WHISPERING) I'll phone the fire brigade
River Bank Yes
I don't know
It sounds as if we may be too late already
Try not to move
Get the ladder I'm coming back
And with the cost of office space these days,
it means a considerable saving in overhead,
which I am more than delighted to reflect
in my proposed fee
here we are
If you are agreeable, the nerve centre
for the new auditor of Leibnitz and Wang
Do either of you have any questions?
Well, let me take you back down, then,
and give you both a top-up
Did you bring that bag in with the chicken?
I did, yes
-Did you lock the car up afterwards?
-I didn't, no
Did you remember
to leave the keys in the ignition?
I did, yes
God knows why people keep
bringing the bloody things back
Did you know you left your keys in the car?
''Someone could easily steal it like that,
Chance would be a fine thing
Someone tried to deliver a parcel apparently
They've left it next door
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Ah, Mr Meldrew Are you well?
I gather that you've got a package for us?
Hmm Oh, yes
Yes, now, where did I put that now?
In this drawer here?
Oh, no No, that's not it, is it?
No, that's the letter I received this morning
from Leibnitz and Wang,
the company which I had dared hope
might put a rather lucrative business deal my way
That is, of course, until they popped round
last Sunday to finalise one or two details
and were somewhat taken aback
not so much by the hideous sight of a naked man
dangling outside my office window,
as by the hideous sight of
what was dangling from the naked man
Following which, in time-honoured fashion,
they said that they would let me know
And lo and behold, this morning they did
Still, never mind, as they say
Now if I could just make one small suggestion,
perhaps a stronger lock on the door
of your laboratory
might stop them escaping next time
Yes, I'm sorry if
Oh, I remember The front room
PATRICK: Ah, yes Here we are
I thought it might be a new consignment
of human organs or something
so I kept it in the hall
Manage that all right?
-Yeah Thank you very much
-No No, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew
I think warped is the word that springs to mind
You deliberately let him think
they turned you down
just to make him feel awful
MARGARET: What on earth
Ermhang on a minute
What the hell is it?
-You didn't send away for anything, did you?
-There's a letter here
The post mark's all smudged
You can't see where it's from
''Dear Mr Meldrew, we would like to inform''
Oh, it's from
It's Mr Foskett
After he left here on Sunday, you remember?
With that police officer
They took him back to the station for a cup of tea
to try and calm him down
It says, ''About 8:30,
he left the interview room to go to the toilet
''and threw himself out of the window
on the seventh floor
''Prior to that,
apart from the break-up of his marriage,
''the only thing he talked about was
how kind and generous you and your wife
''had been to him that day
''and how nice it was to think
you were so genuinely pleased to see him
''after all those years
''Before he died in hospital,
he asked if we could arrange
''for the enclosed to be passed on to you
as it was something you had expressed
''such a fascination for
when you last spoke to him''
I suppose you can see why they do it
The people across the road
just spend all night laughing
But the only thing you can do to stay sane
See the funny side of things
I mean, if we couldn't laugh at all this,
we'd be committing suicide
Where are the sleeping tablets?
In the cupboard by my bed
(THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING)
# So if you chance to meet him
when walking round the town
#Just shake him by his fat old hand
and give him half a crown
# His eyes will beam and sparkle
He'll gurgle with delight
#And then you'll start him laughing
with all his blessed might #
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