One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Man Who Blew Away - full transcript

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

Amazing the adverts they put in the local

''Cane my young traffic warden's bottom''

''Listen to a housewife moan''



I can do that any day

''Hear my massive 46-inch breasts''

Hear my massive 46-inch breasts?

How? What's she got, cowbells on them?

''Available via PIN number''

Rang one of these numbers up once
It's about as erotic as Amy Turtle

Well, that's that read from cover to cover

Madness Unutterable madness

Now, then

What have we got here?

I don't

What in the name of bloody hell?

What was the last thing I said to you
before I went out

about keeping an eye on the weather for me?



How am I supposed to put these on?

Spin round like Wonder Woman?

I'd throw these socks away except
they'd probably keep coming back

Unbelievable!

Did you see this? What I just found
in one of those crackers you bought?

No But do please tell me

Question ''What's the difference
between Victor Meldrew

''and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?''

Answer ''They're both useless tossers''

Can you believe that?
Inside one of those crackers

Where did you say you got them?

I can't remember
Cardigan Crescent, I think, the Happy Shopper

Happy Shopper? Do you know what?
Somebody has been tampering with these

Poking these things in the end
with the end of a screwdriver or something

Bastards

Same person or persons unknown I presume

who were responsible for this little piece
of unpleasantness I found this afternoon

Sticking out the top of our wheelie bin
if you please

Mrs Blithery at number 25
nearly had a heart attack,

thought we were leaving dead bodies
out for the dustmen

Just kids, I expect, playing pranks

Pranks?

It doesn't even work
Look, it's got, ''What's the difference between''

And then it says we're both useless tossers

How is that the difference?
That's not the difference

That's what we've got in common

Now, if it said, ''Why is Victor Meldrew like a chef

''who keeps dropping his pancakes?
Because we're both useless tossers,''

then it would work

It'd be a proper joke then, but it doesn't

I mean, it's not even logical

They haven't even taken the trouble
to think it through properly

-before poking the bloody
-Yes, all right!

Can we drop it now, please?

Don't know how many of these things
are circulating out there, now do we?

Evil little buggers

Still haven't got over them sticking
that live frog through the letter box

Nor has the frog

Wondered what it was croaking away
in my bath water yesterday morning

Thought at first it was
that beans and toast I had for breakfast

Yes, well, of course, most people would realise
it was a frog as soon as they'd picked it up,

instead of spending two minutes
trying to squash it onto a new bar of Palmolive

Is there a cup left in here for me?

Oh, well,
when you've finished with the Cadbury's fondue

But it felt like a piece of soap in the water
and I hadn't got my glasses on

Anyway, how was your day?

You're late back Buses up the creek again?

I didn't come straight back

I told you I was going to stop off
to give old Mrs Tebbings another driving lesson

Taking a bit of a risk, weren't you?
Going out with her after dark

Woman's got precious little
sense of direction as it is

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, how many people do you know
who sit in the lavatory facing the cistern?

It took six lessons to stop her putting her hands
in front of her eyes whenever she went downhill

All is well so long as she's happy
to pay me a few quid

I suppose it gives her an interest in life

Especially now her cat's getting
a bit old and past it

Now that its eyesight's going

Chased a mouse upstairs
into the bathroom last week,

ended up nearly choking to death
on a pumice stone

She said she's thinking of getting it
contact lenses

Contact lenses? For a cat?

How? What's she gonna do?

Show it a chart with
different sized tins of Whiskas on?

Of course, you know the story,
it wasn't even her cat in the first place

It just turned up in her garden one day
with a little metal disc in the collar saying,

''If found, please return
to so and so at this address''

-Know what she did?
-Sent them back the collar

If you've ever heard anything so daffy

So, what are you thinking?

Is it the Peugeot still?

Or the Astra possibly I'm not sure

God Three months, is it, now?

I still can't believe anyone would steal your car
outside a garden centre in Purley

I know Just when I thought
we were never gonna get rid of the bloody thing!

Yes, it's been a complete disaster
from the day we first bought it

Never knew what was going to seize up next

And then

Oh, the bliss when we came out of that tea shop
and discovered that some poor sod had nicked it

It was like having a very unpleasant boil lanced

Do you realise

Do you realise that for the first time in our lives

we're actually going to benefit
from an insurance policy?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

I'll get it

(TYPING ON KEYBOARD)

Are you nearly finished in there for tonight?

Seven hours you've been at it now

I said don't you think it's time you were
taking Denzil out for his walk?

Oh

Well, that's just perfect, isn't it?

What's the problem?

There are other things he needs to do out there
besides walk, you know

I'm not blowing this presentation
to Leibnitz and Wang for anything

If I get this contract, it could mean the difference
between life and death

We could drop the price on this house
and move next door to something vaguely human

Something that has a reflection in a mirror

VICTOR: Oh, no!

What What do you mean?

This is the absolute bloody limit

I mean

For God's sake

6:2 7 Early one tonight

VICTOR: In the name of sanity!

Oh! Tell me that I'm still asleep,
that this is just a bad dream

You're not asleep It's not a dream

They've found our car!

And it's not my bloody fault!

After three months? Whereabouts?

Whereabouts?

Finland

Are you stark raving mad?

Finland? That car couldn't get to Finchley!

What did they do?
Tow it there with a team of reindeer?

I'm just telling you what he said

He said a local woodcutter found it
abandoned in the middle of a forest

still with our plants and boxes of Phostrogen
on the back seat

He said they've kept his name and address
in case we want to give him a reward

Give him a reward?
I'll give him a bloody thick ear if I ever see him!

Who would want to go to Finland
in the first place?

I don't know!

Here, ring Judith Chalmers

While I go and put your socks in the grill pan!

Thank you

Thank you, St Total Bastard,
the patron saint of insurance companies

I don't know why I bother

Is it drivable still or what?

Well, it's supposed to be, according to

(EXCLAIMING)

Look at this For crying out loud

MARGARET: The man who sold it to us
did say it was a very fast-growing variety

Fast-growing variety?

I mean, you think they'd have had the sense
to prune it now and again Look at it

Clings like bloody Super Glue, this stuff

Yes, well, Patrick and Pippa
have offered me a lift in So

I think they're having lunch
with one of his business clients or something

Ready when you are, Margaret

Coming

-You need anything while I'm out?
-Yes

You can see if Halfords do a large
and very hungry goat

-Thanks a lot, Pippa That's just the job
-You're very welcome

Oh, Patrick, don't forget your presentation

Oh, Margaret, I know what I meant to say

I think I've got a pair of Y-fronts
belonging to you at home

They must have blown across into the garden
the other night

Thought when I was ironing them, I didn't think
Patrick had a pair with a blue waistband

Anyway, I put them to one side in the bedroom

-Pop them round later, all right?
-There's no rush

Bye, then I hope it all goes well for you

Look, is that them?

A blue waistband?

What's the matter with you?

This is the mother of all nightmares
you pray will never happen

I'm about to go into the most important
business meeting in my career

wearing Victor Meldrew's underpants

You what Oh, you didn't put

Anyway, look

-Come on, they've seen us
-I can't move

My entire genital area has gone into trauma

For goodness sake, pull yourself together
and remember who you're meeting

This must be how John Hurt felt
with that alien in his stomach

Little buggers

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Mrs Blithery, how are you today?

(CAR HORN HONKING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(CRASHING)

Bloody car

Finland of all the places

It's a wonder we haven't heard
from the astronauts in the space shuttle

''Hello, Mr Meldrew

''We just found a D registration Honda
up here orbiting the earth

''We think it might belong to you''

Oh, by the way, I forgot to say

I solved the mystery of that practical joker

You know, the rubber hand

and the crackers and the frog and everything

Apparently, it was that Mr Grimwade's children

You know, two doors down from the post office
Do you know them?

I can't say as I do, no

No, I didn't remember him

Anyway, he came up to me in Asda's today

and said he couldn't apologise enough
for their behaviour

and he was gonna make certain
that it never happened again,

which I thought was very decent of him

Oh, no

It depends if they take any notice

We'll be finding severed heads
under the rockery now, I expect, before long

Ruddy vandals

I thought the weatherman said
it was gonna be a bit warmer tonight

-What were you looking at?
-Nothing

Where's my cup of tea?

What were you looking at?

I think Mr and Mrs Aylesbury
are having one of their parties

Oh, no!

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, God

I can't take much more of this!

2:30 in the morning

(MUSIC STOPS)

Ahh

(THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING)

Oh, in the name of mercy!

(GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)

God! Good God

(GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)

It's more than flesh and blood can stand!

I don't know how on earth
you can sleep through it

Margaret? Margaret!

What?

I was just getting off then

Not an ounce of consideration
for anyone but themselves

Look at that There's half a dozen of them
on the front lawn now

doing Chuck Berry duck walks

Shut up!

Oh, come back to bed

No one else in this street
is remotely bothered, only us

(SIGHS LOUDLY)

Oh, hang on Here's one that's got away

I'm gonna have that Come here, matey
That's got you!

Now where's that safety pin?

That's made you feel a whole lot better, has it?

Very slightly, yes

It's getting on for 3:00
They can't go on for much longer

Another half hour and they'll all have
packed up and gone home

Just have a bit of patience

(GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Don't tell me they've stopped

9:30 in the morning

I can't have had more than an hour's sleep
in the entire night

Well, at least it's Sunday today

We've no reason to get up before lunch time
Just be thankful for that

That's a nice thought

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:16,603
MAN: Good morning. Mr Meldrew?

Speaking

It's Mr Foskett

Oh, you're joking?

Here's a memory test for you, Mr Meldrew.

I wonder if you can cast your mind
back over 1 7 years

to Mrs Mosley's guesthouse
in Western-Super-Mare?

And I wonder if you remember
the small man with the moustache

who had to walk through your bedroom every night
to get to the toilet?

1 7 years ago last summer it was.

How about if I say the name Mr Foskett?

Mr Foskett, fancy hearing from you
after all this time

Well, you said if I was ever in the vicinity
to be sure to look you up so...

Yes

Obviously I wouldn't just descend on you
without giving you a ring first.

No, no, so where are you at the moment?

I'm outside your front door.

Yes, I'm on the mobile.
They're wonderful things, aren't they?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, sorry, I just knocked your doorbell.

He's here He's outside

Yes. I thought I better give him a buzz first,
make sure he's still alive.

He'll not thank me otherwise...

Yes, hang on a minute, Mr Foskett
We'll be right down

That's all we needed Where are my trousers?

What are we? Cursed this bloody weekend?

Mr Foskett, as I live and breathe Are you well?

You're sure I've not caught you
at an awkward moment or anything?

My God You lost some hair

Still, we've all of us changed, haven't we?
There's me now, the father of two

Can you believe it?

Sometimes, you know, I do believe Mrs Meldrew

-Remember me? Face from the past
-Mr Foskett My gosh

Well, come on, Victor, are we going to let them in?

Oh, yes Yes, in you come

That's it

I was just saying I can't imagine
being without them now

Young David and Martin
They really light up my life

They give me
Oh, I don't know, such a sense of purpose,

a fulfilment that words can't express

Yes, well, why don't I go and make some coffee?

Have you had any breakfast at all yet?

Since we were down here visiting my wife's sister,

who's just moved into a little cottage
in Wigston Parva, just off the 51 20,

I don't know if you know it
Anyway, I thought, why not?

Of course, you hesitate at first

'cause people don't always
wanna see you after 1 7 years

For all I know, you may be praying
you never set eyes on me again

I think it's nice if you can meet up with people,
don't you? However long it's been

Oh, by the way, that address you gave me
doesn't actually exist

I thought that a bit odd at first, but

Well, I expect I must have copied it down
wrong somewhere along the line

Anyway, thank goodness
for the old phone book, eh? 'Cause here I am

So, how you been keeping?
You still got that job on the security desk?

No As a matter of fact

Of course, it was just after that summer holiday
that my wife left me

Penelope, for another man

To say I couldn't deal with it,
oh, that's the understatement of all time

You know that feeling when the world
just seems to stop turning?

I lost me job, was on all sorts of medication,

and in the space of three years
I tried to kill meself 1 3 times,

which I won't depress you with now

Six attempted overdoses, two exhaust jobs,

three times I tried to jump off the roof,
but they always talked me down

I expect that begs the question
of how serious you are

and, of course, I won't show you
the scars on me wrist Look at that

Actually it's a miracle I survived

Anyway, one day in she walked,
the new love of my life

Loretta We got married,
had two of the loveliest children on this earth

I can't believe what it's done for me

It's a shame that she's got a migraine today
I'd love you to see her sometime

Anyway, enough of my life story
What's been happening to you all this while?

-Ah, well
-Oh, that was a funny old place, wasn't it?

That guesthouse

Do you remember that mynah bird
that used to impersonate Kenneth Wolstenholme?

which, of course,
is quite a turn-up for the books,

after 46 years to find you're allergic to Sellotape

So, then they had to transfer me
to the invoicing department

where I stayed for another seven months
and that was that

I didn't really mind when the time came
I've never been short of outside interest

And, of course, my passion
for antique dentures remains undiminished

Are there anymore of those jam tarts?

Hmm? What? Oh Hang on

Healthy old appetite
they've got for their age, haven't they?

Yes, I think it must be
nigh on 300 pairs I have now

It's been a long while since I counted them last

-Sorry?
-My collection of false teeth

I don't suppose that's something
that interests you

Bit of an obscure hobby, really

Yes No I mean, no, no, no,
it sounds absolutely fascinating

Yeah, well, the oldest set I've got
dates back to the 1 830s

and belonged, we think, to an Italian nobleman

who had a rather unusual contour
to his upper palate

Perhaps if you've got an afternoon free,
you'd like to come up and have a look

Yeah, that would be a treat indeed, Mr Foskett

-Actually, I don't want to be slightly rude
-Oh, my goodness me, is that the time?

Oh, talk about outstaying your welcome
When I go rattling on, I don't know

Yes, that's all right

I just have to make a quick phone call, if I may,

to see how Loretta and the boys are getting on
and then I'll be on my way

-Yes, right
-Right

(SIGHING)

What did you say?

-Sorry?
-Loretta and the boys?

Yes, my two sons, David and Martin
I mentioned them earlier Don't you remember?

Well, yes, but they're in there surely

What, my two sons?

No! My boys are only three and four

I hope they've got better table manners
than those two

Well, I assumed
You mean, they're not your grandchildren?

Grandchildren?

You two!
Who the bloody hell are you, for goodness sakes?

-Ian Grimwade
-Neil Grimwade

-Grimwade?
-What the hell are you doing in my house?

Dad told us to come round

He said we had to apologise
for freaking you out with the frog

and the snowman and all that

You've eaten half the food in our larder!

You gave it to us

Get out! Go on, you greedy little gannets

Coming round here like a swarm of army ants

Get out! Get out!

Can we have our hand back?

You'll get my hand
if I ever see you round here again

And you can keep away from our garage
in future as well while you're at it!

You miserable old git!

Don't go in there for a minute
I'll get that dustpan

Something the matter? You all right?

She's gone

Gone? Gone where?

She's left me She didn't say where

Just told her sister to tell me
that it wasn't working anymore

and the boys would be better off without me

She didn't have a migraine after all

Sorry

Are you okay? You look a bit faint

No, I'm fine

I'll just have a glass of water, if I may

(CRASHING)

I was wondering
if we should ring for a taxi or something

Is he out of the bath yet?

I think he must be having a good soak up there
I thought it best not to disturb him

I suppose

-He hasn't locked the bathroom door?
-Why?

The man's tried to kill himself 1 3 times as it is

A thing like this I mean

Well, you could see how close to the edge he was

What if he gets in the medicine cabinet?

Oh, for goodness sake
You've been watching too many soap operas

What's he gonna do?
Hang himself with some dental floss?

VICTOR: God

Don't move!

Just stay perfectly still!

There's no point, Mr Meldrew

There's no point anymore

Just stop, just for a second,

while we talk about this

(WHISPERING) I'll phone the fire brigade

(SCREAMING)

River Bank Yes

I don't know
It sounds as if we may be too late already

Try not to move

Get the ladder I'm coming back

Please hurry!

And with the cost of office space these days,
it means a considerable saving in overhead,

which I am more than delighted to reflect
in my proposed fee

Anyway,

here we are

If you are agreeable, the nerve centre
for the new auditor of Leibnitz and Wang

Do either of you have any questions?

No? Fine

Well, let me take you back down, then,
and give you both a top-up

Did you bring that bag in with the chicken?

I did, yes

-Did you lock the car up afterwards?
-I didn't, no

Did you remember
to leave the keys in the ignition?

I did, yes

God knows why people keep
bringing the bloody things back

''Excuse me
Did you know you left your keys in the car?

''Someone could easily steal it like that,
you know''

Chance would be a fine thing

What's that?

Someone tried to deliver a parcel apparently
They've left it next door

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ah, Mr Meldrew Are you well?

I gather that you've got a package for us?

Hmm Oh, yes
Yes, now, where did I put that now?

In this drawer here?

Oh, no No, that's not it, is it?

No, that's the letter I received this morning
from Leibnitz and Wang,

the company which I had dared hope
might put a rather lucrative business deal my way

That is, of course, until they popped round
last Sunday to finalise one or two details

and were somewhat taken aback
not so much by the hideous sight of a naked man

dangling outside my office window,
as by the hideous sight of

what was dangling from the naked man

Following which, in time-honoured fashion,
they said that they would let me know

And lo and behold, this morning they did

Still, never mind, as they say

Now if I could just make one small suggestion,

perhaps a stronger lock on the door
of your laboratory

might stop them escaping next time

Yes, I'm sorry if

Oh, I remember The front room

Almost forgot

PATRICK: Ah, yes Here we are

I thought it might be a new consignment
of human organs or something

so I kept it in the hall

Manage that all right?

-Yeah Thank you very much
-No No, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew

I think warped is the word that springs to mind

You deliberately let him think
they turned you down

just to make him feel awful

Yes

MARGARET: What on earth

Ermhang on a minute

(VICTOR GROANING)

What the hell is it?

-You didn't send away for anything, did you?
-There's a letter here

The post mark's all smudged
You can't see where it's from

''Dear Mr Meldrew, we would like to inform''

Oh, it's from

Oh, no

It's Mr Foskett

After he left here on Sunday, you remember?
With that police officer

They took him back to the station for a cup of tea
to try and calm him down

It says, ''About 8:30,
he left the interview room to go to the toilet

''and threw himself out of the window
on the seventh floor

''Prior to that,
apart from the break-up of his marriage,

''the only thing he talked about was
how kind and generous you and your wife

''had been to him that day

''and how nice it was to think
you were so genuinely pleased to see him

''after all those years

''Before he died in hospital,
he asked if we could arrange

''for the enclosed to be passed on to you
as it was something you had expressed

''such a fascination for
when you last spoke to him''

I suppose you can see why they do it

The people across the road
just spend all night laughing

But the only thing you can do to stay sane

is laugh

Yes

See the funny side of things

Yes

I mean, if we couldn't laugh at all this,
we'd be committing suicide

Yes

Where are the sleeping tablets?

In the cupboard by my bed

Right

(THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING)

# So if you chance to meet him
when walking round the town

#Just shake him by his fat old hand
and give him half a crown

# His eyes will beam and sparkle
He'll gurgle with delight

#And then you'll start him laughing
with all his blessed might #