One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Trial - full transcript
In a solo episode featuring only Richard Wilson,Victor is home alone waiting on a phone call regarding his jury service. For this reason he does not take kindly when Mrs Warboys rings to prattle on about her holiday. He becomes alarmed by a crack in the wall which he fears may be subsidence,diagnoses his aches and pains and rails at God for letting it rain when he wanted to do the garden. At least he is able to have a nice unhealthy meal.
Switchboard operators Say they're gonna put you
through and then leave you here to rot to death
And speak to you like an insect into the bargain
Have I've been cut Hello?
Yes I don't know if you remember me,
Victor Meldrew, the talking cockroach
I'm one of your jurors in jury service this week
and I was just ringing up to see
if I'd be required again tomorrow or I should
Right Thank you then Bye
Five days on the trot,
I haven't even set foot inside a courtroom yet
You can't do anything else when you're on call
Can't organise anything, can't plan anything
Gives you the willies
I suppose you're going to keep that
up all day now, are you, as well?
I swear blind there's someone up there watching
''Yes, I think I can just see Meldrew
''unwinding the flex on his lawnmower,
let's piss it down''
Hundred and one things to do out there
and I'm stuck in here like the Prisoner of Zenda
I wonder if I was to pick that scab off,
it would start bleeding
All dried up now like a Kellogg's bran flake
Leave it alone, for goodness sake
It will come off on its own
Let it take its natural course
What makes you yawn
apart from anything starring Robert Mitchum?
Reflex, I suppose
There you are Couldn't wait, could you?
Just couldn't leave it alone!
Now you've made it a hundred times worse
I knew that would happen
I wonder if you can get tetanus
from a Barclaycard
The things you can cut yourself on these days
never ceases to amaze me
What does lockjaw feel like?
Probably feels like this
I feel sick now with all that
Getting that colicky sensation back again
Abdominal disorders, where are we
''Often no symptoms in the early stages''
Exactly what I've got
Oh! I've seen it again
Every time I go through this medical book,
I try not to see it
and it always falls open at the same page
Zip fastener injuries!
Makes you weep just at that thought
I shall have to stick a thimble
on the end again now, seeing that
Put it away and stop fretting about everything
That crack wasn't
as long as that yesterday, surely
Look at that
I can get my fingernail right in there now
That wasn't like that before
Is this floor sloping to one side now?
Or is it the stockings
sliding about inside my slippers?
You'll drive yourself up the bloody wall
It's just shrinkage
The house is not going to suddenly collapse
on top of your head
What are you doing up there, strutting
around as though you own the lampshade?
Well, I'm sorry, matey,
we're not going to have any of that
Thank you very much
Where do daddy longlegs come from?
Saw one flitting up and down
the shower curtain this morning
till I managed to slow him down
with some hair lacquer
Just a little quirk of mine
I never share a bath
with anything that's got six legs
Earwigs, bumble bees
The Dudley Moore Trio
Now the trick here is to get a hold of him
without breaking too many of his
Ooh Bugger it
Come here, come here Got you
Go on What are you waiting for, a parachute?
He'll be all right now
He's limped straight into that Lucozade can
And good riddance!
Have to have some jollop for this stomach
It's no good
Now, where is it?
Never know whether to drink this stuff
or clean the windows with it
''This medication can lead
to darkening of the stool''
I sincerely hope not
Now that's something I could be doing
Cleaning those Venetian blinds
They're filthy and caked in dust!
I've been putting that job off for months now
Oh, God! I'm bored out of my skull
And I swear this is getting stiffer by the minute
I'll probably be dead by 5:30
''Man contracts horrific muscular disorder
in order to avoid watching Neighbours. ''
What in the name of bloody hell!
I do not believe it!
In the name of sanity, I do
That is just about the absolute limit
of all bloody time
I mean, what was he Hello!
Yes I'd like to speak to the manager, please,
and be quick about it
No, he doesn't, but he will shortly
Hello! Is that Mr PT Sturgeon?
Yes, well, it's about the large yucca plant
your garden centre
delivered to my house this morning
Yes, a young chap, I didn't catch his name,
it may have been Frank Spencer
Well, I'll tell you exactly
what the problem is, Mr Sturgeon
I was out the back working in the garden
when he arrived
so I asked him if, for the time being,
he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me
And do you know what he's done?
He's only planted it in the pan!
Yes Actually in the lavatory pan
with compost and everything!
I mean, how anyone could be so utterly goofy
just boggles the mind!
A mistake anyone could have made?
Are you stark
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
Cock my leg against the trunk
like a Yorkshire Terrier?
No, I would not!
I'll do it myself, thank you very much
And in future,
I suggest you try and hire some people
with a bit of common sense between their ears!
Put it in the downstairs toilet
Perhaps I'll have a stab at the cryptic crossword
Now, what did I do with it?
Now, one across
''Mad poet mugged by banjo player
''sees red when eating pickles''
Three and four
mugged by banjo player
sees red when eating pickles
Um, five across
''Bag eggnog but get a tad bugged''
but get a tad bugged
Um, ''Elk's ego gets my goat
''Head of MI5 upset the French
''by reversing into dad's underpants
''It's a doddle''
Elk's ego gets my goat
I'm sorry I don't seem to be able
to do the crossword today
as I appear to be temporarily
out of mind-bending drugs
I mean, who compiles the thing anyway?
When's that next hospital appointment?
I've an idea it's next week
Yes, Tuesday at 1 0:00
Yes I suppose that'll be
another barrel of chuckles
Having my most intimate areas probed by
a consultant that looks like Yasser Arafat
Still, not her fault, I suppose Can't help her looks
Please, let it not be Mrs Warboys
to tell me about her holiday in Cork
A blow-by-blow account
of every second of every day
Please, anything but that
WOMAN: Good morning.
Good morning, Mrs Warboys How was Cork?
Yes Lovely! Mmm-hmm
Yes, well, I'd love to chat
but I'm afraid I'm actually in the middle
of jury service at this precise moment
Yes, you told us that in the postcard
Yes, you told us that as well
Yes, very interesting Mmm-hmm, uh-huh
How long has that been there for?
Now where's my flannel got to?
I leave it on the rail and she has to put it away
''so we know where things are''
I mean, it doesn't work, does it?
'Cause I bloody well don't know where it is
''The riddle of the Bermuda Triangle
was finally solved today
''when it was revealed
that Mrs Margaret Meldrew of 1 9 River Bank
''had for the past 50 years
been putting all the ships and planes away
''so we'd know where they were''
(MRS WARBOYS TALKING ON PHONE)
The top of this radiator is completely cold again
What the hell is the matter with this thing?
Bleeding radiators, what would that come under?
Here we are
''The flow is reduced to a scorching hot dribble
''See under Chronic Cystitis''
Wrong ruddy book now
Oh, I see
Yes, right, but Yeah, right
Yes, bye, Mrs Warboys
There must be something constructive you can do
What about that letter to Alfred?
That's long overdue
Now, see if I can get a pen here that doesn't leak
thank you very much
for your last letter
and the nude photographs
No, I don't think he'd appreciate that
Six months old I was there
And I don't look any different from what I am now
Might have put some clothes on
before they took it
Not a bad little body, though
Fancy keeping all these all this time
I'm sorry I haven't written sooner
but it is all go at this end
I can't think of anything else to write now
Perhaps I'll write to him when I've got more time
I'm sorry, Mr Woodlouse
You weren't going anywhere special, were you?
Any more of you while I'm at it?
No, you've all scuttled off for cover, haven't you?
Till I leave the room
Breed like bloody wildfire Must be sex-mad
I could just eat a plate of chips now
With two runny fried eggs and OK Fruity Sauce
No Had that yesterday
Had it the day before as well
I'll soon start to look like a chip
Have to have something healthier today
to balance it out
Have an organic rice cake with cottage cheese on
Of course, I could always grill the chips
No Not as nice as cooking them in fat
That's the best part of it
Ate a whole slab
of Cadbury's Diary Milk yesterday
All in one go
One of those massive half-pound blocks
Made me feel totally sick
Swore I'd never do that again
I'll just have two small squares for now
Won't do any harm
Oh, there's four and a half there
''The Lord is thy judge
He is all-seeing and all-knowing
''He knoweth when thou sineth
''and when lust and licentious burn in thy breast
''And he knoweth you called us
a pair of persistent bastards last week
''and told us to sod off and leave you in peace
May the Lord have mercy on your soul''
They must've written that last bit on themselves
I suppose I was a bit harsh on them that day
I suppose if I was religious
I wouldn't have killed that woodlouse
He wasn't doing anyone any harm
Just waddling across the floor,
minding his own business
Going for a quiet stroll along the gripper rod
For no apparent reason
I just callously murdered it in cold blood
Didn't do that with the daddy longlegs, did I?
No, he was picked up with a nice fluffy duster
and shaken out of the window
Talk about a classless society
Just couldn't believe that last election result
It's like hiring a man-eating shark
as your children's swimming instructor
''Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time
but I still think it deserves another chance''
Oh, come on You didn't come up here
for anything specific in the first place
I know what I'll have to cheer myself up
Beans on toast
Always enjoy that with sunflower margarine
I got stuck behind that same old weirdo
in the supermarket yesterday
The one with the permanent boil
on the back of his head
It never seems to get any smaller
or heal up or anything
Not as long as I've been shopping there
First time I saw it
I thought he was wearing one of those
Comic Relief noses back to front as a joke
Yes, an adventure and a half going into that place
Always something happening
One of the bakery staff lost his toupee
the other day
Came out with a tray of baps
wearing a tea towel on his head
You can't tell me that's hygienic
This shirt is getting too small
Look at that Just a great mound of crisps,
chocolate and chips
I shall have to start cutting down the
Oh, no Please, not that
Where did that come from?
A new mole!
That's something you never want to see
That must've come up overnight
That wasn't there before this
What's the point?
You know it all off by heart anyway
Just keep calm
You're going to see a skin specialist next Tuesday,
you can show it to her
I might be dead by next Tuesday
It's all over
You know what this is
This is your punishment for killing that woodlouse
Probably a capital offence if I did but know it
''And may the Lord have mercy on your soul''
I've been tried, convicted and sentenced
all in the space of ten minutes
Still, I've had a good life
I've had a bloody awful life!
Well, I suppose you may as well write a farewell
letter to your brother and get it over with
this is probably
the last time I
I don't believe
Am I seeing things or
(LAUGHING) Oh, no It's in the same place!
It's the same
Hold on, it might be a speck in the negative
Oh, no, it's definitely there
It's been there all the time, for 61 years!
I've had a mole on my stomach all my life
and I've only seen it this day
Oh, thank you for that
Oh, God, sentenced to death
and I managed to get off with life
I'll never be rude to another Jehovah's Witness
for as long as I live
I'll never be rude to anyone again
I mean, let's face it
If you've got your health,
what else is there possibly to worry about?
I mean, you just don't know how well off you are
What in the name of bloody hell?
I do not believe it!
''JL Denkins, hairpieces of distinction''
Well, that just about takes the biscuit!
dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough!
I mean, he must've realised that it had come off,
for God's sake!
Well, this is just about it This is the absolute
bloody limit of all bloody time!
I mean, what am I going to find next?
A false arm in the French stick?
Glass eyes staring up at me
out of the coconut meringues?
Absolutely bloody hideous!
It'd be much more sensible
wearing a loaf of bread on top of your head!
How anyone could Hello! Yes
I'd like to speak to the manager, please
And quick about it
No, he doesn't, but he bloody well will shortly!
I'll tell you exactly what the problem is!
I have just bought a large loaf of your
went to cut a slice off
and do you know what I found inside?
Only somebody's bloody toupee!
I mean, what in the name of sanity is going on
in that establishment?
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #