One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Trial - full transcript

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

Switchboard operators Say they're gonna put you
through and then leave you here to rot to death

And speak to you like an insect into the bargain

Have I've been cut Hello?

Yes I don't know if you remember me,
Victor Meldrew, the talking cockroach

I'm one of your jurors in jury service this week

and I was just ringing up to see
if I'd be required again tomorrow or I should

Ah

Right Thank you then Bye

Five days on the trot,
I haven't even set foot inside a courtroom yet



You can't do anything else when you're on call

Can't organise anything, can't plan anything

Gives you the willies

I suppose you're going to keep that
up all day now, are you, as well?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

I swear blind there's someone up there watching

''Yes, I think I can just see Meldrew

''unwinding the flex on his lawnmower,
let's piss it down''

Hundred and one things to do out there
and I'm stuck in here like the Prisoner of Zenda

I wonder if I was to pick that scab off,
it would start bleeding

All dried up now like a Kellogg's bran flake

Leave it alone, for goodness sake
It will come off on its own

Let it take its natural course

What makes you yawn
apart from anything starring Robert Mitchum?



Reflex, I suppose

(HUMMING)

Oh!

There you are Couldn't wait, could you?
Just couldn't leave it alone!

Now you've made it a hundred times worse
I knew that would happen

I wonder if you can get tetanus
from a Barclaycard

The things you can cut yourself on these days
never ceases to amaze me

What does lockjaw feel like?

Probably feels like this

I feel sick now with all that

Getting that colicky sensation back again

Abdominal disorders

Abdominal disorders, where are we

My God!

''Colon tumour

''Often no symptoms in the early stages''

Exactly what I've got

Stop it

Oh! I've seen it again

Every time I go through this medical book,
I try not to see it

and it always falls open at the same page

Zip fastener injuries!

Ooh!

Makes you weep just at that thought

I shall have to stick a thimble
on the end again now, seeing that

Put it away and stop fretting about everything

That crack wasn't
as long as that yesterday, surely

Look at that
I can get my fingernail right in there now

That wasn't like that before

Ground subsidence

Ground subsidence

Is this floor sloping to one side now?

Or is it the stockings
sliding about inside my slippers?

Oh, please!

You'll drive yourself up the bloody wall

It's just shrinkage

The house is not going to suddenly collapse
on top of your head

What are you doing up there, strutting
around as though you own the lampshade?

Well, I'm sorry, matey,
we're not going to have any of that

Thank you very much

Where do daddy longlegs come from?

Saw one flitting up and down
the shower curtain this morning

till I managed to slow him down
with some hair lacquer

Just a little quirk of mine

I never share a bath
with anything that's got six legs

Earwigs, bumble bees

The Dudley Moore Trio

Now the trick here is to get a hold of him
without breaking too many of his

Ooh Bugger it

Come here, come here Got you

Go on What are you waiting for, a parachute?

He'll be all right now
He's limped straight into that Lucozade can

And good riddance!

Have to have some jollop for this stomach
It's no good

Now, where is it?

Pepto-Bismol

Never know whether to drink this stuff
or clean the windows with it

''Caution

''This medication can lead
to darkening of the stool''

I sincerely hope not

Now that's something I could be doing
Cleaning those Venetian blinds

They're filthy and caked in dust!

I've been putting that job off for months now

Oh, God! I'm bored out of my skull

And I swear this is getting stiffer by the minute

I'll probably be dead by 5:30

''Man contracts horrific muscular disorder
in order to avoid watching Neighbours. ''

What in the name of bloody hell!

I do not believe it!

In the name of sanity, I do

That's it

That is just about the absolute limit
of all bloody time

I mean, what was he Hello!

Yes I'd like to speak to the manager, please,
and be quick about it

Meldrew!

No, he doesn't, but he will shortly

Hello! Is that Mr PT Sturgeon?

Yes, well, it's about the large yucca plant

your garden centre
delivered to my house this morning

Yes, a young chap, I didn't catch his name,
it may have been Frank Spencer

Well, I'll tell you exactly
what the problem is, Mr Sturgeon

I was out the back working in the garden
when he arrived

so I asked him if, for the time being,
he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me

And do you know what he's done?
He's only planted it in the pan!

Yes

Yes Actually in the lavatory pan

with compost and everything!

I mean, how anyone could be so utterly goofy
just boggles the mind!

A mistake anyone could have made?

Are you stark
I mean, what am I supposed to do?

Cock my leg against the trunk
like a Yorkshire Terrier?

No, I would not!

I'll do it myself, thank you very much

And in future,
I suggest you try and hire some people

with a bit of common sense between their ears!

Put it in the downstairs toilet

(SIGHING)

Perhaps I'll have a stab at the cryptic crossword

Yes

Now, what did I do with it?

There

Now, one across

''Mad poet mugged by banjo player

''sees red when eating pickles''

Three and four

Mad poet

mugged by banjo player

sees red when eating pickles

Um, five across

''Bag eggnog but get a tad bugged''

Four letters

Bag eggnog

but get a tad bugged

Two down

Um, ''Elk's ego gets my goat

''Head of MI5 upset the French

''by reversing into dad's underpants

''It's a doddle''

Elk's ego gets my goat

(SIGHING)

I'm sorry I don't seem to be able
to do the crossword today

as I appear to be temporarily
out of mind-bending drugs

I mean, who compiles the thing anyway?

When's that next hospital appointment?

I've an idea it's next week

Yes, Tuesday at 1 0:00

Yes I suppose that'll be
another barrel of chuckles

Having my most intimate areas probed by
a consultant that looks like Yasser Arafat

Still, not her fault, I suppose Can't help her looks

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(SIGHING)

Please, let it not be Mrs Warboys
to tell me about her holiday in Cork

A blow-by-blow account
of every second of every day

Please, anything but that

4-2-9-1

WOMAN: Good morning.

Good morning, Mrs Warboys How was Cork?

Yes Lovely! Mmm-hmm

Yes, well, I'd love to chat

but I'm afraid I'm actually in the middle
of jury service at this precise moment

Yes, you told us that in the postcard

Yes, you told us that as well

Yes, very interesting Mmm-hmm, uh-huh

Bloody hell

How long has that been there for?

Bloody pens!

Now where's my flannel got to?

I leave it on the rail and she has to put it away
''so we know where things are''

I mean, it doesn't work, does it?
'Cause I bloody well don't know where it is

''The riddle of the Bermuda Triangle
was finally solved today

''when it was revealed
that Mrs Margaret Meldrew of 1 9 River Bank

''had for the past 50 years
been putting all the ships and planes away

''so we'd know where they were''

Madness

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(MRS WARBOYS TALKING ON PHONE)

Oh, yes?

Yeah Uh-huh?

The top of this radiator is completely cold again

(EXCLAIMS)

What the hell is the matter with this thing?

Bleeding radiators

Bleeding radiators, what would that come under?

Here we are

''The flow is reduced to a scorching hot dribble

''See under Chronic Cystitis''

Wrong ruddy book now

Oh, I see

Lovely

Yes, right, but Yeah, right

Yes, bye, Mrs Warboys

(SIGHING)

There must be something constructive you can do

What about that letter to Alfred?
That's long overdue

Now, see if I can get a pen here that doesn't leak

Dear Alfred,

thank you very much

for your last letter

and the nude photographs

No, I don't think he'd appreciate that

Six months old I was there
And I don't look any different from what I am now

Might have put some clothes on
before they took it

Not a bad little body, though

Fancy keeping all these all this time

(RUSTLING)

Mmm!

Dear Alfred,

I'm sorry I haven't written sooner

but it is all go at this end

I can't think of anything else to write now

Perhaps I'll write to him when I've got more time

I'm sorry, Mr Woodlouse
You weren't going anywhere special, were you?

Any more of you while I'm at it?

No, you've all scuttled off for cover, haven't you?
Till I leave the room

Breed like bloody wildfire Must be sex-mad

I could just eat a plate of chips now

With two runny fried eggs and OK Fruity Sauce

No Had that yesterday

Had it the day before as well

I'll soon start to look like a chip

Have to have something healthier today
to balance it out

Have an organic rice cake with cottage cheese on

Of course, I could always grill the chips

No Not as nice as cooking them in fat
That's the best part of it

Ate a whole slab
of Cadbury's Diary Milk yesterday

All in one go
One of those massive half-pound blocks

Made me feel totally sick

Swore I'd never do that again

Just

I'll just have two small squares for now

Won't do any harm

Oh, there's four and a half there

Never mind

''The Lord is thy judge
He is all-seeing and all-knowing

''He knoweth when thou sineth

''and when lust and licentious burn in thy breast

''And he knoweth you called us
a pair of persistent bastards last week

''and told us to sod off and leave you in peace
May the Lord have mercy on your soul''

They must've written that last bit on themselves

I suppose I was a bit harsh on them that day

I suppose if I was religious
I wouldn't have killed that woodlouse

He wasn't doing anyone any harm

Just waddling across the floor,
minding his own business

Going for a quiet stroll along the gripper rod

For no apparent reason
I just callously murdered it in cold blood

Discrimination

Didn't do that with the daddy longlegs, did I?

No, he was picked up with a nice fluffy duster
and shaken out of the window

Talk about a classless society

Just couldn't believe that last election result

It's like hiring a man-eating shark
as your children's swimming instructor

''Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time
but I still think it deserves another chance''

Oh, come on You didn't come up here
for anything specific in the first place

I know what I'll have to cheer myself up
Beans on toast

Always enjoy that with sunflower margarine

I got stuck behind that same old weirdo
in the supermarket yesterday

The one with the permanent boil
on the back of his head

It never seems to get any smaller
or heal up or anything

Not as long as I've been shopping there

First time I saw it

I thought he was wearing one of those
Comic Relief noses back to front as a joke

Come on

Yes, an adventure and a half going into that place

Always something happening

One of the bakery staff lost his toupee
the other day

Came out with a tray of baps
wearing a tea towel on his head

You can't tell me that's hygienic

This shirt is getting too small

Look at that Just a great mound of crisps,
chocolate and chips

I shall have to start cutting down the

Oh, no

Oh, no Please, not that
Where did that come from?

A new mole!

That's something you never want to see
That must've come up overnight

That wasn't there before this

What's the point?
You know it all off by heart anyway

Just keep calm

You're going to see a skin specialist next Tuesday,
you can show it to her

I might be dead by next Tuesday

Oh, God!

That's it

I'm finished

It's all over

You know what this is
This is your punishment for killing that woodlouse

Probably a capital offence if I did but know it

''And may the Lord have mercy on your soul''

I've been tried, convicted and sentenced
all in the space of ten minutes

(SIGHING)

Still, I've had a good life

I've had a bloody awful life!

Well, I suppose you may as well write a farewell
letter to your brother and get it over with

Dear Alfred,

this is probably

the last time I

I don't believe

Am I seeing things or

(LAUGHING) Oh, no It's in the same place!
It's the same

Hold on, it might be a speck in the negative

Oh, no, it's definitely there

It's been there all the time, for 61 years!

Absolutely incredible
I've had a mole on my stomach all my life

and I've only seen it this day

Oh, thank you for that

Oh, God, sentenced to death
and I managed to get off with life

I'll never be rude to another Jehovah's Witness
for as long as I live

I'll never be rude to anyone again

I mean, let's face it

If you've got your health,
what else is there possibly to worry about?

I mean, you just don't know how well off you are

What in the name of bloody hell?

I do not believe it!

''J

''JL Denkins, hairpieces of distinction''

Well, that just about takes the biscuit!

I mean,
dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough!

I mean, he must've realised that it had come off,
for God's sake!

Well, this is just about it This is the absolute
bloody limit of all bloody time!

I mean, what am I going to find next?

A false arm in the French stick?

Glass eyes staring up at me
out of the coconut meringues?

Absolutely bloody hideous!

It'd be much more sensible
wearing a loaf of bread on top of your head!

How anyone could Hello! Yes

I'd like to speak to the manager, please
And quick about it

Meldrew

No, he doesn't, but he bloody well will shortly!

I'll tell you exactly what the problem is!

I have just bought a large loaf of your

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

went to cut a slice off
and do you know what I found inside?

Only somebody's bloody toupee!

I mean, what in the name of sanity is going on
in that establishment?

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #