One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 4, Episode 4 - Warm Champagne - full transcript

Margaret is asked to dinner by Ben, a charming man she met on holiday. He would like them to be more than friends but she is loyal to her Victor. A milk float crashes into a newly erected lamp post sending the top of it crashing into the Meldrews' bedroom. As if this is not enough paramedics accidentally deliver an old lady to the wrong house - the Meldrews' of course - and put her in their bed.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

You nearly finished with that?
I've got some letters to write

Hey! Listen to this It's from Mr Hithercroft

You know, that old bloke with the monocle



He says, ''Thank you so much for showing me
around your house last Thursday

''It is a truly delightful property

''and I should very much like to arrange
a return visit to inspect it more closely

''I hope you will not mind
if this time I bring along my camera

''as I am very keen
to take some photographs of you in the nude

''I have a wide collection
of World War II gas masks

''which, if you are agreeable, we''

Oh, dear

I think I feel sick

-It sounds quite promising, then?
-Sounds quite I beg your pardon

Well, it's only a bit of fun, presumably
You never know, he might be serious

We are desperate

We're not that bloody desperate

In any case, it's addressed to you



What?

What's that? A diary you're starting up now?

(CLEARING THROAT) Yeah Just finished
There you are All yours

''Rub each other's thighs with Swarfega''

VICTOR: Welcome back to suburbia

Yeah, they put these new lampposts up
at last, I see

How are your feet? Still burning?

Burning?

I may have to stick them under the toaster
when I get in to cool them down

Blisters are bursting all over now I can feel them

I think it's safe to say I won't be doing
much tap-dancing over the next few weeks

Oh, look at that!

You know who this is, don't you?
That new mob who's moved into number 1 0

Little buggers I'll wring their necks when I

There they are now

Oi, you!

What's this? My bloody front garden
doubling up as Trent Bridge now, is it?

If you ask nicely, I'll set up a sight screen
in the dining room for you!

Oh, why don't you sod off down a sewer?

Don't you tell me to sod off down a sewer,
you cocky little tyke

Five seconds we've been back

-He's going to tell his dad about you
-Yeah, what's he going to do about it?

-You'll soon find out He hates your guts
-Yeah

Well, you can tell him from me
that the feeling is mutual

-Oh, you miserable old bleeder
-Oh, you miserable old git

BOYS: # Victor Meldrew, Victor Meldrew #

You won't have much to sing about

when I've finished cuffing you
round the ears with that cricket bat

Cheeky little bastards

Someone's been at these grapes
There was 24 here when we left

It's the last time I let him
come round to feed the fish

And I bet you anything you like
he spat the pips out as well

Yeah There's one there Look

And there's another one

PIPPA: Hello!

Hello?

You both have a nice time?

Bit of a heat wave down that way,
wasn't there, by all accounts?

Yeah, I'm afraid Victor came
a bit of a cropper with his feet

Left them pointing at the sun while he fell asleep
and burnt the soles like I can't tell you

He's been shuffling around
like Toulouse-Lautrec now for five days

-Oh, dear Where exactly did this happen then?
-Oh, while we were on the beach

Luckily, there was another chap there
from the same hotel

who very kindly dragged him back to the car

Otherwise I don't know what we would have done

Oh, hang on a minute

Should be Yes

Here we are

Look

-He looks nice
-Yes

He was

His name's Ben He lives in North London

Yes He was a lot of fun

Well, anyway, I think your fish
are all present and correct

None of them coughing up blood or anything

Oh, your mail's all in the kitchen
so I'd better scoot

-All right
-I'll see you later, I expect

-Yes, and thanks for everything, Pippa
-Okay, bye

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Edge of that lavatory pan isn't half cold

Next time I'll get something to kneel on

(PHONE RINGING)

00:06:43,887 --> 00:06:44,956
Yes?

What?

Yes, I did, and I'll bloody well
shout at them again if I feel like it

Have you seen what they've done to my window?

I don't care! You should bring them up better!

Bloody family of yobs!

Never done a day's work
since they moved in either if it comes to that

I think Mrs Aylesbury said
he was a painter or something

Got a job with the brewery

What as? A piss ar

What the hell?

Where did

Terrific

Yes, it's really wonderful to be home

What was all that racket out there in the night?

People banging about and giggling
Did you hear it?

I didn't hear anything, and how long
do we have to put up with this vile object up here?

It's like something out of Lord of the Flies.

What's the matter with it?
I thought it was rather unusual

You're unusual

Strange, isn't it? Other people bring back
sticks of rock or seashells But no

You've been in that mood
ever since we got back last week

Holidays can't last forever, you know

-Did you bring the milk in?
-I haven't had a chance

(PHONE RINGING)

00:09:01,127 --> 00:09:02,401
Oh

Oh, hello

What a lovely surprise

I don't believe

And you, you smug-faced bloody vandals!

-I mean, what the hell is it?
-It's a cake

Yes, thank you I can see it's a cake

I didn't think it was Douglas Hurd's underpants

I mean, what was it doing on our front doorstep?

Mr Arnold Larkspur, 1 7 River's Bank

Oh, yes We had a letter for him the other day

That's that new block of old people's flats
up near the park

You can't wonder people keep getting mixed up

I don't see why They're completely different

I mean we're River Bank, they're River's Bank
One's got an ''apostrophe s''

Don't let him dribble all over it
Take him out for his walk or something

Yes, you have been dribbling
a lot lately, haven't you?

Perhaps it's something to do
with accidentally swallowing that little key

in Mr Meldrew's back garden
the other week, hmm?

It wouldn't surprise me
if you had trained him to do that

The poor man hasn't been able to undo
the padlock to his shed now for a fortnight

Yes, it is a shame, isn't it?

Still, never mind, I'm sure it'll work
its way through in the fullness of time

Won't it, Denzil?

Evil Pathologically evil

Ah, Mr Meldrew The very man

I don't suppose he's produced anything yet at all?

Well, I'm sure if he has, it'll be in here

I made a point of saving them all up for you
while you were away

How very thoughtful of you

Yes

And Pippa said to give you
these Marigold rubber gloves

I think they're the right size
Anything else you might require?

A pair of tweezers or

Thank you I think I can manage

Good

Well, I'll leave you to it, then
Happy hunting, Mr Meldrew

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(CRASHING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Mr Meldrew, sorry to interrupt
I think you'd better come out the front

A big milk tanker's just ploughed
into that new lamppost outside your house

I'm afraid it's done a bit of damage

What sort of damage?

It's no good I'm going to have to get
something to cover my eyes

Think I've got that complementary
Dan-Air mask in here somewhere

Bloody milk tanker

I mean, what speed was he doing
in the first place, for God's sake?

I'm going to be suing that dairy
for every penny they've got I can tell you that

Oh, God

There must be something better in life than this

It's not my fault if people treat our estate
like a Scalextric track

I'd have put a pair of trousers over it
but it'd probably burn a hole in the seat

Morning, noon and night
If it's not one thing, it's another

Well, that's the way the world is today,
I'm afraid, and you're stuck with it

Am I?

What do you mean, ''am I?''

I don't know what I mean

You won't forget to put the dustbin out later,
will you? Only they won't empty it otherwise

Yes

And, um, I may be late back tonight
because I'm going to have a drink with someone

Oh, yes? Who's that?

Oh Just a friend who asked me if I wanted to

Do you have to stick that thing down there?

Sorry I thought I'd try changing the plug
I've tried everything else

Just because I want to watch
the UEFA Cup final tonight

Absolutely typical

Right So don't feel you have to
wait up or anything

-And I'll see you later
-Right Have a good time Bye

Get in there, you

That's got you

Now then

where have you gone?

I don't believe it

There we are That's the letter to the dairy
expressing my views on their tanker drivers

I hope you can read the writing
I got a bit carried away once I got started

No, it all seems fine

I'll get it all typed up professionally
on Patrick's computer

It'll carry a lot more weight
You off out now, then?

Yes, Margaret's just gone off for a meal
with some old biddy

so I thought I'd pop down to the pub
and see the match since the telly's conked out

All right, I'll get this back to you tomorrow then

-Right That's great Thanks very much Bye
-Bye

AMBULANCE WOMAN: That's the ticket

There we are, my lovely

Had a bit of trouble finding your house, didn't we?

Yes Got ourselves into a right old pickle

1 9 River's Bank This is definitely the one

Hello? Anybody home?

Mr Staveacre, we've brought your wife back
from the hospital

Perhaps he's in the garden or something

She's still very sedated
I think we should put her straight to bed

Up we go This way That's it

Up we go And that's it

Nasty old accident they've had up there
with that lamppost, eh? And no mistake

Thank you

-Margaret
-Hello, Ben

-You're looking radiant
-Well, I don't feel it

Thank you

This past week has been one long horror story

I was beginning to think I'd dreamt it all
The holiday and you

Oh, waiter, this isn't properly chilled

-Would you bring us another, please?
-Certainly, sir

I always think there's nothing worse
than warm champagne

Especially tonight

It's good to see you again

Five-nil

Wish I'd stayed at home and read a bloody book

Bloody thing

If the council don't come round
about that tomorrow,

I'm going to take a hammer
and smash that bulb in

I've just about had enough of it

Are you awake?

Did you have a nice time tonight?

(MURMURING)

and by now, he's virtually at war
with every neighbour on the estate

-Talk about never a dull moment
-I know

He's just frightful, isn't he?

I don't know
why you should have to put up with it

Costa Rican or Columbian?

-What do you mean?
-Columbian

Well, 35 years saddled to that

He always reminds me of
one of those psychopathic killers

in the Chamber of Horrors

Is it the Brides in the Bath chap?

Mind you, married to him, most women
would be leaping head first into the acid

How you've stuck it all these years,
I find quite astonishing

Someone

as warm and sensitive

It's never too late, Margaret,
even at our time of life,

to change direction

What was that for?

Just kissing you goodbye, Ben

What do you mean?

It's like Christmas presents, isn't it?

They always look so exciting and full of promise
sitting there under the Christmas tree

And then once you've opened them,
all the mystery's gone

Be much better to leave them as they are
with their wrapping paper on

That way you'll never be disappointed

And I think we should leave
our wrapping paper on

Because one of us is going to end up
being cruelly rejected

and I couldn't bear that to happen

But how can you say that?

If you don't reject me, I would never reject you

I meant one of the three of us

You talk about being sensitive
I'm afraid that's Victor's trouble

He's the most sensitive person I've ever met

and that's why I love him,

and why I constantly want to ram his head
through a television screen

I've had a lovely time tonight, Ben,
and now I'm going

-Margaret, you
-Oh

Do you know what's actually worse
than warm champagne?

No

No

I really don't think you do

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(VICTOR GROANING)

Who the hell is that at this hour?

All right I'll go

VICTOR: All right, all right, all right
Keep your shirt on

What were you doing leaving the catch on?

How do you expect me to get back in?

(STAMMERING)

Sorry I'm later than I said

I suppose you were starting
to worry where I'd got to Well

it's a bit of a story
and I might as well come clean and tell you

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Who is she?

(STAMMERING)

Have you Have you been

You haven't been sleeping with this? Who is she?

I thought it was you

Thank you very much

Where did she come from?

And what on earth is she doing?
And why the bloody hell am I whispering?

This is my bedroom

I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it?

To come home and find your husband
has taken up necrophilia

Excuse me!
Do you mind if I ask what you're doing here?

(SCREAMING)

My God, no, no, no It's all right
Calm down No one's going to harm you

(SHRIEKING)

It's all right It's all

(SHRIEKING)

PATRICK: Oh, my God

-This is absolutely macabre
-PIPPA: What is?

It's hard to make out exactly without my lenses,

but there appears to be some sort of wild creature
crawling out onto that lamppost

It's all wrinkled and horrible

Like something out of that Ken Russell movie

The Lair of the White Worm.

I need a tissue

Oh, hang on Meldrew's come to the window now

I think he's trying to coax it back in with a biscuit

My God, I've a shrewd idea it's a woman

What is this, Patrick?

You've had this all along, haven't you?

You've deliberately made him keep searching
through all those disgusting

I don't believe you

How long has this been in here?

He coughed it up Um, it must have been

few minutes after he swallowed it and I just

I was going to give it back

eventually

So there we are

I'm sorry about all the to-do over it,

-but dogs will be dogs, I suppose
-Yeah

Well, thank you That's just the job, isn't it?

That was kind of Patrick, wasn't it?

To get it back for you
and clean it up and everything

Hmm?

Oh, yes

Thank you very much

-So all's well again, I hope
-I hope so

Oh, your letter

I've only just printed it up
so I haven't had time to check it through,

-but I don't think there'll be any mistakes
-Thanks very much

-Thanks very much for the coffee
-Oh, our pleasure

-Bye then
-Bye-bye, Pippa

Yes, thank you

Well, that seemed to go quite well

Perhaps now at last
we can resume normal neighbourly relations

Hmm

What was that letter
you said you typed up for him?

Oh, just a letter to the dairy

About compensation for that milk tanker
going into his lamppost

It was only a couple of pages
You didn't mind, did you?

Dairy?

Oh, my God, no

You didn't name the file ''Dairy''?

Why? What was wrong with that?
What's the matter now? What's happened?

Oh, no

I didn't

I'm rather afraid you did

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #

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