One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 4, Episode 3 - Hearts of Darkness - full transcript
Victor, Margaret, Jean and Nick decide to go for a drive in the country but it does not go according to plan. After losing the route on a boat trip and playing Trivial Pursuit for an hour, Victor has had enough. Eventually they abandon the boat and go in search of the car. When it starts to rain they take shelter in a van. After the rain passes Victor and Jean find their feet are stuck in concrete. After a long walk, Victor gets free and searches for the car. Victor finds a nursing home where the patients are abused. Victor does the the right thing and all the staff are set in concrete.
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
(OUT OF TOWN PLAYING)
Up comes Foster from the Vauxhall End,
he bowls to the right-handed Hooper
and Hooper is caught at slip by Gooch.
Now, Mr Meldrew,
if you take one step to your left
you'll be standing in a huge pile of dog's mess
so watch where you're treading
MARGARET: Which 1 960s album
was banned in many shops
because the cover depicted nude women?
MRS WARBOYS: Electric Ladyland by Jimi Hendrix
MARGARET: Very good
MRS WARBOYS: Green, please
MARGARET: Which vegetable
is the world's best-selling aphrodisiac?
What was the stage name of
the singer Harold Lloyd Jenkins?
How many noses does an ant have?
Which famous actor
(YELLING) Help! For God's sake, somebody help!
We're stuck in the bloody middle of nowhere
and we can't move
If anyone can hear us, for the love of God, help!
athlete won the 1 952 Olympic marathon?
One Green for a wedge, please
What does the excrement of a gazelle smell of?
For goodness sake!
How the bloody hell do you know all these?
Sorry, Mr Meldrew?
Excrement of a gazelle
What do you do, go about sniffing it?
How many noses Conway Twitty's got
Forty minutes we've been playing
and no else has had a question yet
Anyway, I've had enough of this stupid game
Don't know why you had to bring it
''Let's all go out for a nice day in the country''
Start off on the A1 4 3
and end up on the set of Apocalypse Now.
Four hours we've been marooned here
Yes, we got ourselves into a right pickle
when the river split into three back there,
didn't we, Mr Meldrew?
Funny how things turn out
It's a pity we didn't have a needle and thread
I could sew up my sides
where they're split from laughing
If we had any oars left, it would be a start
There was nothing wrong with that idea
That was a good idea
to try and punt our way back
Not my fault they got stuck in the mud
and left behind
We don't even know which way
the way back is now
We're completely and utterly lost
Help! For God's sake, somebody out there, help!
All tense again now
Going to have to have another Valium
Why don't you go and take half a dozen at once
and put us all out of our misery?
It's no good shouting
It only keeps making your nose bleed again
Bloody freezing now
And I'm dying to go to the toilet
Got a bladder like an ice bucket
Has anybody seen the lid to this?
Yes, I think you'll find it's over there
What is he
Do you mean to say
we're only in two feet of water?
Why the bloody hell didn't you tell us,
for God's sake?
Sorry, I thought we all wanted to stay here
and play Trivial Pursuit
God only knows how we'll get back
to that boathouse from here
On the Burma Railway at this rate
Mind your new dress in these thorns,
Mrs Warboys, they're very sharp
Mind her new dress?
What about my new dress, thank you very much
Is that new as well? You never said
I knew it was going to be one of these days
If I'd put a bloody rabbit costume on,
she'd have turned up wearing one
Oh, great! That's all we needed
NICK: Mr Meldrew Up here
Come and see
Oh, goody What's he found this time?
Some fresh stoat dung?
Must have veered off the road or something
and then couldn't get it going again
Now, he's locked the front door,
but the back is still open
At least we can take cover until the rain eases off
What do you think?
Hello! Wakey-wakey, everyone!
It's quite nice out here now
I've just been watching two frogs having sex
-It was incredibly exciting
Yes, well, come on Let's get moving
We might be lucky enough
to see a toad getting a tadpole into trouble
Got a cramp that's driving me bananas
Mine seems to have gone to sleep as well
I can hardly feel it
Well, you go first and I'll
-How did this happen?
-Oh, my God! Oh, Mr Meldrew
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, I don't believe it
-Victor, what is it?
-What is it? What does it bloody look like?
There's a sack of cement
with our bloody feet inside!
Oh, God Oh, how do these things happen?
Look, it's all right, don't panic
It's only a small bag of mortar
We'll soon get that off No problem
Well, this is the life, isn't it?
I always think you've never lived
until you've been forced to trudge
for three miles up a dirt track
with a sack of concrete on the end of your leg
I can't believe how hard that stuff sets
I felt for sure that tyre lever
would've managed to crack it open
Yes, but on the other hand,
it was stunningly effective
in breaking three of my toes
But, by a lucky coincidence,
they're already all in plaster
So it couldn't have worked out better
Right That's it
I've put it off for as long as is humanly possible,
but I'm afraid I can't last another second
Oh, no! No, no, Mr Meldrew Please!
Victor, can't you bottle it up?
If I had a bottle, yes
But failing that, I'll just have to use this tree
Sorry, Mrs Warboys
You'll just have to look the other way
and put your fingers in your ears
Why do men always have to do it
up against something?
I've never been able to fathom it out
How much further, Mr Meldrew?
We've been walking for two hours now
We must be close to
some form of civilisation by now
Let's see what's around this corner,
perhaps there's a farmhouse or something
I don't believe
MARGARET: This isn't happening
Two hours of walking round in a bloody circle
Look! Look, it's a car!
Oh, thank God!
Stop! Please stop!
(ALL YELLING FRANTICALLY)
MARGARET: Can you get up?
Thank God for that
I thought I'd never see it again
MARGARET: No bones broken or anything?
MRS WARBOYS: I don't think so
NICK: Careful now Mr Meldrew, are you all right?
NICK: Mrs Warboys, be careful
MARGARET: Come on
It's getting darker by the second
We can't make Jean walk any further
Somebody is going to have to go and get help
and the rest of us will wait in the van
Well, do you want
I'll go It's the only sensible thing I'll go myself
I'll be back as soon as I can
For goodness sake, be careful, Mr Meldrew
You never know what's out there
I'm terribly sorry to disturb you at this hour,
but I'm afraid my wife and some friends and I,
we're horribly lost
It's not far from here I wonder if I could use
your phone to call the police or somebody
You're all muddy and wet
You need a good, hot bath
This is the downstairs bathroom
There's two other ones upstairs
I'm sure one will be more than enough, thank you
And so you're going to phone the police for me,
Lovely Thanks very much, then
Mr Gorshin, what are you doing out of bed
at this time of night?
Good night, Miss Lander
Good night, Rachel
You turn right at the end of this road,
then fork left for 1 00 yards
and you'll be right back at the boathouse
It's literally a 1 0-minute walk
Make sure I got the car keys Yes
And I'm sorry about the
I'm sorry about the misunderstanding
I'm afraid Mr Gorshin
is a little on the hyperactive side
I'll have a quiet word with him when you've gone
Right Thanks Bye
Don't make me
No, no Please don't make me
No, please It's those horrible dreams
Please don't make me go back to bed
-Please go away!
-I've tried the intravenous sedative
He knocked it out of my hands
Get up, you stupid old fool
-Get up off the floor
-Did you hear?
You must like limping, do you?
GORSHIN: No! Leave me alone!
LANDER: I don't think we'll have
too much trouble from them tonight
We'll see if they've cooled down a bit
by tomorrow morning
I'm afraid I left my watch in your bathroom
So you did There
Oh, sorry I very nearly forgot
Nearly forgot what?
I very nearly forgot to call you
an evil, loathsome bastard
I wouldn't treat a sewage rat
the way you treat these people
and I shall be calling the social services
department first thing in the morning
to tell them about the sickening brutality
that goes on around here
in the name of geriatric care
I have to look after the welfare
of all my residents,
not just one or two
You haven't the first understanding
of the way their minds work
or the destructive behaviour they're capable of
I'm sorry What language are you talking in now?
It appears to be bollocks
Get out now or I'll have you forcibly ejected
Oh, I think you'll find
they've all gone sleepy-byes now actually
Half a dozen Valium each
Yes In fact, I should think you're ready
for a bit of shut-eye yourself now, aren't you?
I want you out of this building
and if anyone calls the authorities,
it'll be me ringing the police
to report an aged pervert
who broke into my bathroom tonight
and exposed himself
For the last time, are you
I don't think you'll have any more trouble
with them tonight, but keep the door locked
I'll make sure there's someone round first thing
Where did you come from?
Well, I managed to get the van started in the end,
bypassed the ignition
I just dropped the ladies off at the car,
then I came back to look for you
-What's being going on?
-I'll tell you in a minute
Do we have four more bags of cement in there,
by any chance?
Oh, there's certainly evidence
of some shocking mistreatment
No question about that
Biggest question of all is,
what happened to the staff?
Where did they all vanish to suddenly?
Can't get any sense out of the residents
Just some story about a mystery man
who appeared from nowhere
in the middle of the night,
like The Lone Ranger.
WOMAN: I expect they all got the wind up,
decided to make a run for it before we got here
I suppose that's it, yes
Okay, Sergeant, all yours for statements
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #