One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 4, Episode 3 - Hearts of Darkness - full transcript

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

(OUT OF TOWN PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)



RADIO COMMENTATOR:
Up comes Foster from the Vauxhall End,

he bowls to the right-handed Hooper
and Hooper is caught at slip by Gooch.

Now, Mr Meldrew,
if you take one step to your left

Yes?

you'll be standing in a huge pile of dog's mess
so watch where you're treading

And smile!

MARGARET: Which 1 960s album
was banned in many shops

because the cover depicted nude women?

MRS WARBOYS: Electric Ladyland by Jimi Hendrix
MARGARET: Very good

MRS WARBOYS: Green, please

MARGARET: Which vegetable
is the world's best-selling aphrodisiac?

-Asparagus
-Correct

Three

Pink, please



What was the stage name of
the singer Harold Lloyd Jenkins?

-Conway Twitty
-Correct

Two

Two Green

How many noses does an ant have?

-Nine
-Correct

Orange

Which famous actor

(YELLING) Help! For God's sake, somebody help!

We're stuck in the bloody middle of nowhere
and we can't move

If anyone can hear us, for the love of God, help!

athlete won the 1 952 Olympic marathon?

-Emil Zatopek
-Correct

One Green for a wedge, please

What does the excrement of a gazelle smell of?

-Violets
-Correct

For goodness sake!
How the bloody hell do you know all these?

Sorry, Mr Meldrew?

Excrement of a gazelle
What do you do, go about sniffing it?

How many noses Conway Twitty's got

Forty minutes we've been playing
and no else has had a question yet

Anyway, I've had enough of this stupid game
Don't know why you had to bring it

''Let's all go out for a nice day in the country''

Start off on the A1 4 3
and end up on the set of Apocalypse Now.

Four hours we've been marooned here

Yes, we got ourselves into a right pickle

when the river split into three back there,
didn't we, Mr Meldrew?

Funny how things turn out

Funny? Yes
It's a pity we didn't have a needle and thread

I could sew up my sides
where they're split from laughing

If we had any oars left, it would be a start

There was nothing wrong with that idea

That was a good idea
to try and punt our way back

Not my fault they got stuck in the mud
and left behind

We don't even know which way
the way back is now

We're completely and utterly lost

Help! For God's sake, somebody out there, help!

All tense again now

Going to have to have another Valium

Why don't you go and take half a dozen at once
and put us all out of our misery?

It's no good shouting
It only keeps making your nose bleed again

Bloody freezing now

And I'm dying to go to the toilet
Got a bladder like an ice bucket

Has anybody seen the lid to this?

Yes, I think you'll find it's over there

Bloody thing

What is he

Do you mean to say
we're only in two feet of water?

Why the bloody hell didn't you tell us,
for God's sake?

Sorry, I thought we all wanted to stay here

and play Trivial Pursuit

God only knows how we'll get back
to that boathouse from here

On the Burma Railway at this rate

Mind your new dress in these thorns,
Mrs Warboys, they're very sharp

Mind her new dress?

What about my new dress, thank you very much

Oh!

Is that new as well? You never said

Never

I knew it was going to be one of these days

If I'd put a bloody rabbit costume on,
she'd have turned up wearing one

(TEARING)

(SHRIEKING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Oh, great! That's all we needed

NICK: Mr Meldrew Up here

Come and see

Oh, goody What's he found this time?
Some fresh stoat dung?

Must have veered off the road or something
and then couldn't get it going again

Now, he's locked the front door,
but the back is still open

At least we can take cover until the rain eases off
What do you think?

(SNORING)

Hello! Wakey-wakey, everyone!

It's quite nice out here now
I've just been watching two frogs having sex

-It was incredibly exciting
-Was it?

Yes, well, come on Let's get moving

We might be lucky enough
to see a toad getting a tadpole into trouble

Got a cramp that's driving me bananas

Mine seems to have gone to sleep as well
I can hardly feel it

Well, you go first and I'll

-How did this happen?
-Oh, my God! Oh, Mr Meldrew

-Oh, my God!
-Oh, I don't believe it

-Victor, what is it?
-What is it? What does it bloody look like?

There's a sack of cement
with our bloody feet inside!

Oh, God Oh, how do these things happen?

Look, it's all right, don't panic
It's only a small bag of mortar

We'll soon get that off No problem

Well, this is the life, isn't it?

I always think you've never lived

until you've been forced to trudge
for three miles up a dirt track

with a sack of concrete on the end of your leg

I can't believe how hard that stuff sets

I felt for sure that tyre lever
would've managed to crack it open

Yes, but on the other hand,
it was stunningly effective

in breaking three of my toes

But, by a lucky coincidence,
they're already all in plaster

So it couldn't have worked out better

Right That's it

I've put it off for as long as is humanly possible,
Mrs Warboys,

but I'm afraid I can't last another second

Oh, no! No, no, Mr Meldrew Please!

Victor, can't you bottle it up?

If I had a bottle, yes
But failing that, I'll just have to use this tree

Sorry, Mrs Warboys

You'll just have to look the other way
and put your fingers in your ears

Why do men always have to do it
up against something?

I've never been able to fathom it out

Oh, God!

How much further, Mr Meldrew?

We've been walking for two hours now

We must be close to
some form of civilisation by now

(PANTING)

Let's see what's around this corner,
perhaps there's a farmhouse or something

I don't believe

MARGARET: This isn't happening

Two hours of walking round in a bloody circle

I just

(MARGARET SCREAMING)

Look! Look, it's a car!

Oh, thank God!

Stop!

Stop! Please stop!

(ALL YELLING FRANTICALLY)

(CAR HONKING)

MARGARET: Can you get up?

Joyriding louts!

Thank God for that
I thought I'd never see it again

MARGARET: No bones broken or anything?
MRS WARBOYS: I don't think so

NICK: Careful now Mr Meldrew, are you all right?

NICK: Mrs Warboys, be careful
MARGARET: Come on

It's getting darker by the second

We can't make Jean walk any further

Somebody is going to have to go and get help
and the rest of us will wait in the van

Well, do you want

I'll go It's the only sensible thing I'll go myself

I'll be back as soon as I can

For goodness sake, be careful, Mr Meldrew
You never know what's out there

Good evening

I'm terribly sorry to disturb you at this hour,

but I'm afraid my wife and some friends and I,
we're horribly lost

It's not far from here I wonder if I could use
your phone to call the police or somebody

You're all muddy and wet

You need a good, hot bath

Thanks

This is the downstairs bathroom

There's two other ones upstairs

I'm sure one will be more than enough, thank you

And so you're going to phone the police for me,
are you?

Lovely Thanks very much, then

Mr Gorshin, what are you doing out of bed
at this time of night?

Good night, Miss Lander

Good night, Rachel

You turn right at the end of this road,
then fork left for 1 00 yards

and you'll be right back at the boathouse

It's literally a 1 0-minute walk

Right Thanks

Make sure I got the car keys Yes

And I'm sorry about the

I'm sorry about the misunderstanding

I'm afraid Mr Gorshin
is a little on the hyperactive side

I'll have a quiet word with him when you've gone

Right Thanks Bye

No! No!

Don't make me

No, no Please don't make me

No, please It's those horrible dreams

They're horrible

Please don't make me go back to bed

-Please go away!
-I've tried the intravenous sedative

He knocked it out of my hands

Get up, you stupid old fool

-Get up off the floor
-Did you hear?

Get up!

You must like limping, do you?

(MOANING)

GORSHIN: No! Leave me alone!

(GROANING)

(CLATTERING)

(GROANING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(GORSHIN YELLING)

LANDER: I don't think we'll have
too much trouble from them tonight

We'll see if they've cooled down a bit
by tomorrow morning

(TELEVISION BLARING)

(BANGING)

(THUMPING)

(LOUD CLATTERING)

I'm afraid I left my watch in your bathroom

Oh

Right

So you did There

-Good night
-Good night

Oh, sorry I very nearly forgot

Nearly forgot what?

I very nearly forgot to call you
an evil, loathsome bastard

I wouldn't treat a sewage rat
the way you treat these people

and I shall be calling the social services
department first thing in the morning

to tell them about the sickening brutality
that goes on around here

in the name of geriatric care

I have to look after the welfare
of all my residents,

not just one or two

You haven't the first understanding
of the way their minds work

or the destructive behaviour they're capable of

I'm sorry What language are you talking in now?

It appears to be bollocks

Get out now or I'll have you forcibly ejected

Martin! Sonia!

Oh, I think you'll find
they've all gone sleepy-byes now actually

Half a dozen Valium each

Yes In fact, I should think you're ready
for a bit of shut-eye yourself now, aren't you?

I want you out of this building

and if anyone calls the authorities,
it'll be me ringing the police

to report an aged pervert
who broke into my bathroom tonight

and exposed himself

For the last time, are you

(LANDER SCREAMING)

(CACKLING)

I don't think you'll have any more trouble
with them tonight, but keep the door locked

I'll make sure there's someone round first thing

Mr Meldrew?

Where did you come from?

Well, I managed to get the van started in the end,
bypassed the ignition

I just dropped the ladies off at the car,
then I came back to look for you

-What's being going on?
-I'll tell you in a minute

Do we have four more bags of cement in there,
by any chance?

What for?

Oh, there's certainly evidence
of some shocking mistreatment

No question about that

Biggest question of all is,
what happened to the staff?

Where did they all vanish to suddenly?

Can't get any sense out of the residents

Just some story about a mystery man

who appeared from nowhere
in the middle of the night,

like The Lone Ranger.

WOMAN: I expect they all got the wind up,
decided to make a run for it before we got here

I suppose that's it, yes

Okay, Sergeant, all yours for statements

-Somebody!
-Help!

Help!

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #