One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Worst Horror of All - full transcript

Mrs Warboys' cousin Wilfred,recovering from a nervous breakdown,is staying with her and she asks Margaret to take him to meet her at a live T.V. show recording.He will come to her house. Mrs Warboys knocks a window cleaner off his ladder without realizing it and he lands on the car roof. He comes through the garage into the house in a dazed state and the Meldrews,assuming he is Wilfred,take him to the studio,where he spends all his time asleep. The mistake is only noticed when they return to the house and find Wilfred waiting for them.Victor gets a job as a commissionaire,but is angered by a stroppy client whose wig he throws into the gutter.

♪ They say l might as well face the truth

♪ That l am just too long in the tooth

♪ So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed

♪ But l have not yet quite gone to seed

♪ l may be over the hill
now that l have retired

♪ Fading away but l'm not yet expired

♪ Clapped out, rundown, too old to save

♪ One foot in the grave ♪

- (Baby cries)
- (Siren blares)

What's this? More paraphernalia?

Royal Society
for the Prevention of Accidents.

Some survey. l though l'd fill it in
while we're waiting for the X-rays.

''Give a brief description

''of how the accident occurred.''

A garden shed fell on him.

l've put,
''Rotting timbers collapsed on head

''while dismantling old outhouse
in rear garden.''

''Was the accident unavoidable
or due to the patient's carelessness?''


Put, ''Stupidity''.

That was asking for trouble
in anyone's book,

unscrewing all the nails in a building
before you've take the roof off.

We don't know that's what happened.

All Mrs Beasley heard was a loud crash
as she was clipping her cockerel,

and when she rushed round,

there he was, lying semiconscious
under a pile of rubble.

With all that red paint
spilled down his trousers,

naturally she thought the injuries
were more horrific than they were.

Still turns my stomach over
to think about it.

lmagine finding someone with a piece
of broken glass between his legs

and thinking it had cut off his...

You'd think the ambulance men
would have checked first

before taking her word for it,

rushing that mouldy carrot
to hospital in a specialised box.

l suppose it's a mistake
any of us could have made.


l don't think
they were any too experienced.

God knows what was in that painkilling
injection they gave him.

He was laughing at a pencil
a few minutes ago.

How are you feeling now, Mr Meldrew?
All right?

l'm tickety-boo and a half, Mrs Warboys.

How are you today, my little sweetheart?

Yes, well,
l think l'd better be getting back.

l don't like to leave cousin Wilf there
on his own for too long.

Not so soon after his operation.

How is he? Still a bit dozy?

Yes. A bit vague and forgetful.

ls he still coming with us
on our outing tomorrow?

Oh, l meant to tell you.
We've had a few more cancellations.

Seems there won't be the full 55 of us
going now after all.

Oh, dear. How many is it now, then?


Chris can't get back in time

and Mr and Mrs Burkett have got
a crossword to finish and...

You know how people are.

Anyway, l'll give you a ring tomorrow.

- Bye, Margaret.
- Bye. Thanks for the lift.

Sorry it was a bit bumpy.
l'm not used to driving Chris's car.

Bye, Mr Meldrew.

♪ Let's spend the night together

♪ Now l need you more than ever ♪

Not with the pastry!

- (Engine starts)
- (Siren blares)

(Gears grind)


Sorry l'm late.
Had to run a friend up the hospital.

ls everything all right here?
What's been going on?

You haven't been having trouble
with my TV aerial, have you?

TV aerial? No.
What on earth makes you say that?

Oh, it's just that
when l came round the bend

l thought l heard Mrs Eldridge shout
something about a man on my roof.

No, it was fine
while l was watching EastEnders.

''A can'', she probably said.
Another squashed Budweiser.

Yes, that must be it.
l'll fish it down in the morning.

l don't suppose that will keep it out
for one minute, but still.

- (Margaret) Keep what out?
- The busted mattress.

What busted mattress?

The busted mattress
someone always dumps in your skip

whenever you leave one
outside your door.

Universal law of nature.

Just as the cuckoo always lays its eggs
in other birds' nests,

so some bastard always come along

and dumps a busted mattress
in your rubbish skip.

Bloody shed.
l should never have tampered with it.

Should just have left it as it was.

Blood and paint in every orifice
known to man.

Talk about undignified,

having to lie there while two student
nurses sponge your genitals with turps.

One more joke about
rubbing me up the wrong way,

they'd have been reporting
to the casualty department, l can tell you.

Ooh! My leg's itching like mad now.
Why is that?

Looks like insect bites, for God's sake.

That's from sitting with Mrs Lacey's cat
on your lap all yesterday.

l told you she had fleas but no,
you wouldn't have it.

They've always regarded your feet
as a special delicacy.

They'll be sucking away
on those ankles of yours tonight in bed

like a midnight feast in the dormitory.

And don't scratch. You'll make it bleed.

And then they'll all be coming back
for second helpings.

Bloody things. We'll have to get some
of that spray at the pet shop tomorrow.

You're still thrilled to bits about that,
aren't you?

l just like to keep checking,
make sure l didn't imagine it.

27 years since l was last sent a letter
offering me a full-time job.

Just shows,
you should never give up hope.

Yes, Monday morning l'll be back at last,
back in the land of the living.

And you'll start to see the world
as a friendlier place again. You'll see.

lt's just a matter of getting back
your self-confidence.

- Oh, my God.
- What is it?

Quick! Turn all the lights out!

- What's the matter?
- lt's Ronnie and Mildred.

Oh, my godfathers!

Just to see her car
coming around the corner!

Oh, please God, save us from a visit
from Ronnie and Mildred,

with their tin of assorted biscuits.

l was hoping they were both dead.

Why do they always call on us?
Like the plague of the zombies.

Don't keep moving about!
Their car has just pulled up.

- Where's that letter rack?
- What are you doing?

lf they look through the box
and see a lot of letters lying about,

maybe they'll think we're on holiday.

For God's sake, keep your head down!
Do you want to give us away?

(Ronnie) Here we are, Mildred.
l'm so looking forward to seeing them.


(Mildred) Hello!

Anyone at home?
lt's Ronnie and Mildred.

(Ronnie) Let's see if we can spot them
through the window.

- ls anyone in? Victor! Margaret!
- (Mildred) Yoo-hoo!

Bugger off!

Go back to Whitley Bay, the pair of you.

Will you shush?

- Oh, no!
- What is it?

Mildred's going round the back.
l think l've left the bathroom light on!

Oh, my God, that's it. They've got us
in a pincer movement!

They'll be here till 3am showing us
pictures of their loft conversion.

- Right. l'm gonna go for it.
- Are you mad? You'll never make it!

- l've got ten seconds. lt's now or never.
- Right. Good luck.

You haven't fallen asleep
in your armchairs, have you?

Wakey, wakey!

l don't like it. lt's too quiet.

Will you stop standing there like Michael
Caine in Zulu and come to bed?

Supposing they come back
in the morning?

They never strike during the hours
of daylight, as you well know,

and we'll be out tomorrow evening
with Jean at the BBC.


l expect she's booked us in to another
real side-splitter, has she?

The last show was supposed to be
a glittering evening at Television Centre.

The most exciting moment
was urinating next to Peter Sissons.

That witch hazel hasn't done any good.

Well, no one's forcing you to go.

You can always stay here and wait
for Ronnie and Mildred to come back.


What time are we to be up there?

Sorry, dear? Oh, not bad this morning.

ln a bit of a trance at the moment.

ln the last 15 hours,

we've had Happy, Sleepy,

Grumpy and Dopey.

We only need another three for the set.

Anyway, are we all set for tonight?
What time shall we pick you up?

(Jean ) Well, that's what
l'm phoning about, actually.

l'm afraid it's going to have to be
a threesome now,

if you don't mind taking Wilfred.

Only, goddaughter's
lost her baby-sitter

due to the extradition papers
coming through.

You see, it's their anniversary,

and they can't get anyone else
at such short notice.

So l'm sorry to be a bit of a party pooper.

That's all right. Don't worry about it.
We'll be fine.

Okey-doke. Bye.

What's the matter now?
The BBC burned down?

Was it bad news?

Look at that.
Those things are on my wrists now.

They must still be on me somewhere.

She can't come now. She's got
to baby-sit for her goddaughter.

Are you sure we don't have
some of that insect repellent left?

l'm sure l saw some somewhere
only the other day.

l don't believe it!

l do not believe it.

What the bloody hell do people think
this is? A drive-in scrap yard?

l paid for this skip.
lt's for my rubbish and nobody else's.

What am l supposed to do with this?
Melt it down for BacoFoil?

Didn't l say that this would happen?

How did it get here?
Did someone just dump this?

Unless a very large jackdaw was carrying
it back to its nest and dropped it,

l should think that's
a fairly safe assumption.

Never ceases to amaze me, the
bloody-minded soddishness of some...

l don't bel...

Look at this!

Look at this!

You bastards!

lf you come back here
l'll kill the lot of you!


You know, it's a bit sombre, Wilf.

Why don't you go
and pick out one of Chris's?

Something a bit more cheerful
for a night out.

- Yes, maybe you're right.
- l'd better get my skates on.

See you later, then.
Have a really lovely time, won't you?

Take care.


Excuse me.

l'm sorry about all this upset
to all our plans and everything.

He's nearly ready. Now...

Oh. There are the tickets.

And l'll give you the front door key,
just to be safe,

what with his memory and everything.

- l think that's everything.
- lt'll be great. Off you go.

- We'll be fine.
- All right. Have a really lovely time.

And if l don't see you later tonight,
Mr Meldrew,

best of luck for the new job tomorrow.

- Thank you, Mrs Warboys.
- Right you are. Bye.

''Like Mother Like Son.

''A brand-new comedy about
a young woman's hilarious struggle

''to bring up two rebellious
teenage boys.''

- Did you bring the crossword book?
- Don't be such a misery.

Try and be a bit more ch... Hello!

How are you?

l'm Margaret and this is Victor.
lt's very nice to meet you.

- Margaret? Victor?
- That's right.

Who am l?

- Sorry?
- No, l'm sorry.

You see, l was in the garage
and my mind seems to be a blank.

l'm sorry about this. l just...

You're Wilfred, remember?

You're Jean's cousin Wilf,

and you're staying with her
for a few days while you get better.

Why don't you back the car
into the drive for him?

You're been in hospital for quite a while.

- Hosp...
- And it's left you a bit forgetful.

Hospital. Yes. That rings a bell.

You had a big operation. Oh,
you'll soon be back on your feet again.

There we are.

There. Here's your jacket.

- Oh. Thank you.
- There now.

- Have you got everything you need?
- l think so.

- Where are we going?
- To a television show at the BBC.

That'll be nice, won't it?

- Oh.
- There we are.

Thank you.

Right. l'm ready.


(Man) All those with tickets for
The Generation Game, queue on the left.

All those with tickets for
The Generation Game, queue on the left.

How are you feeling now, Wilf? All right?

Still a bit groggy, l'm afraid.

l'm sorry l slept most of the way here.
l just couldn't keep awake.

l know. Long car journeys.

You'll soon pick up once we get inside.

And that's vital. lt's the warmth
and atmosphere that you generate here

that makes the difference to those
in front of and behind the camera,

and gives the show a real lift.

l know we're understaffed this evening,

but l know we're
all going to do our best.

Don't be afraid to laugh
as loud as you like.

And l'm sure we're all gonna have
a really super, splendid evening.

That was the most hilarious thing
l've ever seen in my life.

A real rib-tickler from start to finish.

You didn't see much of it.

You spent most of the evening
filling in your crossword.

l've never been so embarrassed.

When the man asked
if anyone had any questions,

you said,
''How many Ps in hippopotamus?''

Oh. Thank you.

Can we just stop bickering
and get back to the car?

You know l didn't want to be late back.
l've got to be at work in the morning.

Half past eight on the dot.

He'll be in no fit state
to come out again yet a while.

l don't know what Jean
was thinking about.

lt's not like her to send someone out
when they're barely conscious.

Fortunately, in that studio,
no one noticed the difference.

- (Door slams shut)
- (Margaret) Lift your end up, Victor!

Carefully! You're dragging his head
on the floor!

(Victor) Don't go so quickly, then.
l can't keep up.

There we are, Wilf.

Home safe and sound.

l expect Jean will be back soon
and she'll...

Er...l don't think we've met, have we?

Are you Victor and Margaret?

- Yes.
- l'm Jean's cousin, Wilfred.

OK. l'll see you then.

Oh, erm...

Oh, erm...

OK, see you later.

Excuse me.

Oh. Sorry.

- Are you new?
- Yes, my first morning, actually.

Looks as if you want to buck up
your ideas a touch, doesn't it?

Yes. Sorry.


(Man) Did you hear me?

- l'm sorry?
- Are you awake this morning?

l said there's a fur coat in the back.

Oh, yes. So there is.


- Huh?
- Well, darling.

- Have we come to the right hotel?
- The coat please, doorman.

Oh, yes. Sorry.

Mind what you're doing with it, man. lt's
not some rag from Marks and Spencer's.

Have you any idea how much this cost?

l shouldn't think so for a moment.

lf you're serious about working here,

you'll have to revise
your attitude to the job.

That's a tip from me.

The people who come here
expect to be treated

with a certain deference and respect.

Sloppiness and bad manners
just won't do.

Do you understand what l'm saying?

Yes. Right. l do understand
what you're saying and l'm very sorry.

l should think so.

l'm very sorry because l'm going to have
to throw your toupee down the drain.

What the...

l'm sorry neither of you have managed to
master the mechanics of a door handle.

That must be complicated
with your limited brain power.

And do forgive me
for not getting the fur coat out.

lf you hadn't chopped its legs off
it could have climbed out on its own.

You asked me
if l wanted to go on working here.

lf it means sucking up to odious
bastards like you two every day,

then l'd rather remain unemployed.

You crabby old cretin.
l'm gonna wring your...

- (Screams)
- What is it?

l just saw something
hopping about in the fur.

Oh, my God. l feel sick.

And there's another one. lt's a flea!

Yes, they make charming pets. You'll
find you grow so attached to them.

And of course vice versa. Home please,
James, to number 19 Riverbank.

l don't believe it! Unbelievable!

Treat me like something
that's crawled out of a pond!

Well, they can stick the bloody thing.

72 hours of nonstop madness, misery
and mayhem beyond all belief.


At least we've escaped
from the worst horror of all.

(Both) Surprise, surprise!

♪ They say l might as well face the truth

♪ That l am just too long in the tooth

♪ l've started to deteriorate

♪ And now l've passed
my own sell-by date

♪ Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true

♪ l have to pop my teeth in to chew

♪ And my old knees
have started to knock

♪ l've just got too many miles
on the clock

♪ So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly,
set in my ways

♪ lt's true that my body
has seen better days

♪ But give me half a chance
and l can still misbehave

♪ One foot in the grave

♪ One foot in the grave

♪ One foot in the grave ♪