One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Beast in the Cage - full transcript

The Meldrews are stuck in the mother of all traffic jams - there's even time for Mrs. Warboys to go to the pub and buy them all crisps though she buys the wrong flavour,and when Victor jumps out to take a leak the traffic moves on. There's a horse box in front of Victor,giving him an unbridled view of the horse's bum and the salesman in the car on one side of him is using Victor's airspace to chat up the two girls on the other. And when Victor decides to play a tape of soothing music,it's the last straw.

♪ They say l might as well face the truth

♪ That l am just too long in the tooth

♪ So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed

♪ But l have not yet quite gone to seed

♪ l may be over the hill
now that l have retired

♪ Fading away but l'm not yet expired

♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save

♪ One foot in the grave ♪

(Victor) Oh...God...



- Want a sucky sweet?
- Sucky sweet!

l'll be sucking that exhaust pipe soon,
much more of this.

Yes, l always say that
for a really super bank holiday treat,

you can't beat four and a half hours
staring up a horse's bottom!

(Horse whinnies)

lt's been so long, l've forgotten
what the other end looks like!

Another half-hour, we'll have
to put it on our Christmas card list.

Become virtually a friend of the family.

Still there, even when l close my eyes.

Like watching a Party Political Broadcast
by Kenneth Clarke.

Oh, God!

Four and a half hours...

of unfettered misery.

We haven't moved now for 20 minutes
to my knowledge!


Where's that AA road map?

- What are you looking up?
- Ah, yes, here we are.

Hell on earth.
l thought we'd taken a wrong turning.

Oh, God!

l wish l was dead.

l wish you were dead,
then l'd get some peace.

There's nothing you can do
so don't get aerated.

You've just got to put up with it.

Are you sitting on the Mirror?

- (Horn beeps)
- Bugger it!

l said it was faulty!

Safer wearing a black mamba
round your neck.

- You try yours.
- What for?

- You'll see what l mean.
- l don't need to try it.

Try it.



l suppose it could be worse.

We could have gone to that
arts and crafts fair like last year.

Ha! Talk about pathetic!

First prize for design went to a man
who'd had a nosebleed on the table.

Got a L5 gift voucher
from the Co-op Funeral Parlour.

The paintings on display
were a complete joke.

Best watercolour was a photo of
Jilly Cooper two cats had urinated on.

Only ones there with any taste.

l'm surprised you remember it,

the amount of turnip wine
you put away in the refreshment tent.

Went to the loo -
it sounded like someone running a bath.

l was well within my limit.
l was perfectly sober.

That's why you had an argument

with a papier-mache replica
of the mayor's wife.

Yes... Well, she did look quite realistic,
l have to give them that.

Moaning on about litter and what was
her husband going to do about it.

What did you think the wisps
of newspaper were on her face?

l didn't like to ask. l thought it
might be some rare type of eczema.

(Sighs) My God, l'm hot.

Next bank holiday, l'll just book
a couple of seats in a bread oven.

My feet are like
a brace of boiled lobsters.

Get a move on, for God's sake! What
the bloody hell's going on up there?

l can't take much more of this!

Man up there's sunbathing
on top of a Pickfords truck.

Oh, misery me.

What time is it?

25 past three.

The clock's two minutes fast.

l've got to go all the way through
cos you can't turn it back.

Nothing but trouble, this car.

God knows who the previous owner was.

Moby Dick, judging by the suspension.

Five times it's been back for repair
in two months.

lt's one fault after another.

The man in the fish shop
said it's all psychosomatic.

What, when your windscreen wiper
flies off and spears a wood pigeon?

He said it was a classic case
of Hondachondria.

When you imagine everything's
wrong with a Japanese car.

lt's all in the mind.

Those electric shocks aren't in my mind,
they're all up my bloody arm!

Every time l touch something,
5,000 volts through my fingers.

Sparks and God knows what.

l pull down the garage door,

it's like a scene
from Frankenstein's laboratory.

Even set fire to an azalea last week.

l notice it never affects you.
Only me, as usual.

Yes, well, some people are more
susceptible than others, that's all.

Those that have faulty wiring
to start with.

For God's sake, how much longer
have we got to sit here?

(Beeps horn continually)

(Victor) Complete waste of human life.

Could have stayed at home today
and done something useful.

- Like what?
- A million things!

Like what?

Well, l could have cut my toenails
for a start. That's one job.

Could do it now
if l'd brought that gadget.

Oh, yes. The one that fires
the clippings across the room.

- l always pick them up afterwards.
- Not always.

- You can't always find them.
- l've never lost a toenail yet.

l never move on to the next one
till l've found the one l've just cut.

lt's a rule l've always stuck to
over the years.

Never known anyone
as lethal with a toenail clipper as you.

Got the paper boy in the eye
the other day.

Good job you had some Optrex.

l told you to close the windows.

(Derek Jameson on radio )
'..but shock-horror drama...'

(Turns radio off)
God, bloody Derek Jameson.

l'd rather listen to
the back end of a horse.

What's another name
for the dung beetle?

Gyles Brandreth.
Can't stand him for love nor money.

Will someone tell them
to get a move on up the front?

What have they got out there? Gangs
of navvies fitting frilly lampshades?

l've been sat here for half an hour!

My tyres are beginning to take root!


Given myself a headache
doing that now.

l see why people become psychopaths.

lt's like that woman
who serves in the butcher's.

ln one of her twitchy moods
on Saturday.

Took three of us
to prise the meat cleaver off her.

l thought they were moving her
to another counter.

They tried her for a week
in dairy produce.

They didn't like the way
she kept flexing the cheese wire.

She's been banned from
the public gallery at inquests now.

Reckon she's been getting
more unstable for weeks.

Ever since she found her husband
playing chess with an inflatable woman.

Would unhinge anyone, l should think.

ls it ''cheevil''? lt seems to fit.

l'm getting all stiff now.


l'm going to have to get out
and stretch my legs.

- (Electricity crackles)
- Ow! Bugger that bloody thing!

You should wear rubber soles.

Rubber soles?
l need a lightning rod up my trousers!

(Door slams)

(Engines start)

Victor! We're moving!

About time!

(Engine starts)

l don't believe it!

lt's gone beyond all human endurance!

l can't take any more!
l can't take another second!


That feels a little bit better.

Find one all right, then?

Yes, there's a pub on the other side
of that slope. Very friendly.

- Did you want to go?
- l'm fine, thanks.

You haven't moved very far, Mr Meldrew.

Evidently not.

l thought you'd be
down by that rotting badger.

We're not. Not likely to be, at this rate.
Did you get my crisps?

No, sorry. They didn't have
salt and vinegar. Only smoky bacon.

- l asked you to get smoky bacon.
- You asked for salt and vinegar.

l said don't get salt and vinegar,
get smoky bacon!

- They had smoky bacon.
- But you didn't get any.

- Three huge boxes.
- But you didn't get any.


Thank you very much indeed.

l was looking forward to those.

lt's the only thing that's kept me
going for the last 15 minutes.

- Anyone want a drink at all?
- ls there any tea left?

l'll have the pineapple
but only if there's some ice left.

l suppose it was to be expected...

on a bank holiday.

lt's too late to go anywhere now.

We may as well turn round
and head back home.

Still, at least it's been a day out.

Change from just sitting inside
all the time.

- There you are.
- Thanks.

- What's this?
- What's what?

There's a wasp in this ice cube!

(Mrs Warboys) l know.
l didn't think you were all that fussy.

Didn't think l was fussy! l'll have
a slice of dead rat, if you've got one.

And a dog turd on a cocktail stick!

What's got into you? Getting all
coarse and crude all of a sudden.

What's got into me?
Bloody freeze-dried wasp, very nearly!

l've had a gutful of today, l can tell you.

Have you finished with that newspaper?

How's your mother, Margaret?
Keeping all right these days?

Touch wood.

(Margaret) Did l tell you
l ran into Mrs Biswell the other day?

Asks to be remembered to you.

Says all the tongues are wagging
down our old road.

Do you remember Bianca Dunlop?
Lived three doors along.


She's been using her grandfather's
stair lift for immoral purposes.

(Mrs Warboys)
lmmoral purposes? A stair lift?


She didn't go into details.
l didn't ask her to. Use your imagination.

Man from the Social Services
who went round there

said it showed more signs of
wear and tear than it should have done

and that's what tipped them off.

- Can't say l'm surprised.
- (Mrs Warboys) l know.

She wears nothing in bed
except Sainsbury's cocoa butter.

When she puts the electric blanket on,

the bedroom smells
like a Malaysian restaurant.

- You could saute yourself to death!
- l know!

Ooh, now...

You know that lady that lives
on the corner, in Mr Spiller's old house?

- Mr Spiller?
- You remember!

He had that blind parrot that flew with
a lead of a guide dog in its beak.

- Oh, yes.
- Well...

You know her husband
had that horrible accident?

Fell downstairs
in the middle of Leslie Crowther

and had to have his whole arm
put in plaster?

Well, apparently there was the most
terrible blunder at the hospital.

Because when he went back
to have the cast taken off,

there was nothing in there!

His hand was there but no arm!

lt's gospel truth.
Mrs Birkett told me on top of the bus.

Oh, for God's sake! What absolute tripe
you do talk, the pair of you!

l've never heard such a load of drivel
in all my life!

Why do you want to hear
such bloody things?

l'm sorry, Mr Meldrew?

What people wear in bed!
You'd think it would be private!

Not rabbit about it
to everyone under the sun!


l wouldn't tell anyone about the strange
things you do when you're in bed.

No, neither would l.

Would you like me to drive?

Yes, you can, dear, if you don't mind.


Typical! See this?

Story about a bloke who was shot
by East End villains.

''They dumped the body,
full of bullet holes, in his brother's car.''

lnterestingly, ''This was something
the local garage failed to spot

''when they did the MOT.''

Must be the same lot that do this one.

Car mechanics! They mended
this gear lever and it's still loose. Look!

lt will be loose if you jerk it about
like an egg whisk. Leave it alone!


My stomach's rumbling again.
Haven't had any dinner whatsoever.

- Or breakfast.
- Whose fault was that?

Not so much as a morsel of meat
in 24 hours.

Wish l hadn't thrown
that dead wasp away now.

Oh, God, now my prickly heat's
coming on into the bargain.

Like little stabbing needles all over.

Agh! All down my back. Everywhere.

l've got some Wet Ones here. Hang on.

lt'll be the hot flushes any minute.

Thought it was only women
got hot flushes.

lt is, usually. Victor's one of the few men
that suffer from it.

Had them since he saw the details
in his medical encyclopaedia.

Oh, yes! (Laughs)
He's a terror for that thing, isn't he?

Most people have a medical dictionary

so that if they get something wrong
they can find out what it is.

With Victor, it's the other way round.

He looks up a disease
and then develops the symptoms to fit it.

Treats it more
in the way of a Freemans catalogue.

Browsing through
to see what he can die of next.

(Engines start)

Look! lt's the bloody post office
queues all over again!

- Why aren't we moving?
- We'll move in a minute.

l bet we don't. l bet the entire queue
goes past while we're still stuck here!

lt feels as if we're moving backwards.

- You sure he hasn't broken down?
- Of course he hasn't.

Well, we don't know that, do we?

l mean,
there might be nothing in this lane!

We might be behind
a riderless horse box!

The driver might have been thrown
out of his window on a bridge.

Look, we're moving
and the others are slowing down.

Start her up. We're going.

Oh, l don't believe it!

- (Starts engine)
- Don't bother!

Not worth wasting the battery.

Five bloody yards.

l knew it was too good to be true.

No! Recession? What recession?

From where l'm sitting,
l've got two London salons,

both doing serious business.

Well, the economy may stop growing
but your hair doesn't.

l'm looking at options
for an outlet in Pimlico,

probably opening next summer.

Pop along, mention my name and
get a shampoo and set on the house.

Say you know Mr Salmon.

- Ooh, l don't know!
- Sounds a bit fishy to me!

(Girls giggle)

- You could be anybody!
- You'll just have to trust me.

l tell you what, you can have
a full perm for half-price!

- What's your name?
- Lisa.

Lisa. (Laughs) And your friend?

- Carol.
- Carol. You can have the full works.

Cut, dyed and blow-dried,
at 20% discount.

And l might even take you out
for a drink afterwards.

How do you know
l'm not a natural blonde?

- That's for you to prove otherwise.
- (Girls giggle)

Oh, for God's sake,
l think l may throw up.

Sorry, what's your problem?

Why don't you just dangle
your private parts out of the window?

Who asked you
to shove your nose in, you old fart?

l'll shove my nose in when l want.

This is my air space and you're
conducting your sex lives through it.

My car's being used
as a bloody contraceptive!

- Wind the window up.
- We're not suffocating for them.

Let it drop, then.

Just so's he can get off
with two sex-hungry trollops!

l notice it worked for you.

What the bloody hell's
that supposed to mean?

Victor, just let it be, for God's sake!

They're not worth it, Mr Meldrew.

Yeah, let somebody else have a look-in.

l did not come out today
to be insulted by you

and this demented pair of gormless,
pea-brained cretins...

Listen, Grampy,
you know what you can do?

See that horse?
Why don't you go and stick...


Yes, hi.



lt's for you.


You wired up to the National Grid? Oh!

- (Man ) Hello?
- Hello?



No, we can't bloody well
move any further forward!

l don't give a bugger if you are!

Six yards nothing! lt's five at the most.
Where's that going to get you anyway?

Well, you can bloody well lump it,
can't you?

(Car horn)

And you!

Ow! Bastard!

Well, l suppose you're happy
as a sandboy now, are you?

What do you mean?

ls there anybody else
you'd like to pick a fight with?

There's a little old lady
over there in an invalid carriage.

Why don't you kick her tyres in?

Well, it wasn't my fault.

l suppose we've got to sit in silence
like a mausoleum now, have we?

l'll put some music on or something.

(# Man, to tune of Bread of Heaven )
There's a bloke we can't stand any longer

♪ Always on the bleeding moan

♪ Every time we mend his bloody Honda

♪ He's back grousing on the phone

(Second man )
# First we fixed his car's ignition

♪ Checked his brakes
and clutch and then

♪ Overhauled his whole transmission

(Both men )
# He just brought it back again

(Group of men )
# Victor Meldrew

♪ Victor Meldrew

♪ He can stick it up his bum

♪ Up his bum!

♪ He can bugger off to kingdom come ♪

(Jazz plays)

(Music stops)

They've stuck chewing gum
in the record protect hole.


They, erm...hold a note quite well,
don't they?

For car mechanics.


Mirror image of your life, really, isn't it,

car journey on a bank holiday.

First 50-odd miles, on the go all the way,

a sense of direction, bowling along.

Get past 60, everything slows down
to a sudden crawl.

And you realise
you're not going anywhere any more.

All the things you thought you would
do that never came to anything.

And you can't turn the clock back.

One-way traffic just gradually
grinding to a complete halt.

Same for everyone, l suppose.


And you just have to try
and make the best you can of it.


Oh, God, l'm bloody ravenous now.

l can't last a moment longer.
lt's no good.

There's only one thing for it.

We'll have to eat Mrs Warboys.

She's gristly
but these are desperate times.

As a close family friend, l'm sure
she'll agree to do the decent thing

and shoot herself.

lt's either that or...

Or what, Mr Meldrew?



Where's the sucky sweets?

♪ They say l might as well face the truth

♪ That l am just too long in the tooth

♪ l started to deteriorate

♪ And now l've passed
my own sell-by date

♪ Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true

♪ l have to pop my teeth in to chew

♪ And my old knees
have started to knock

♪ l've just got too many miles
on the clock

♪ So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

♪ lt's true that my body
has seen better days

♪ But give me half a chance
and l can still misbehave

♪ One foot in the grave

♪ One foot in the grave

♪ One foot in the grave ♪