One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Pit and the Pendulum - full transcript

As ever it's not Victor's day. He picks up Patrick's dog in mistake for the phone and is angered by womanizing workman Kazanzi,who is doing some gardening for the Meldrews and who charms Margaret. When he sees Kazanzi with a very young girl - who actually turns out to be his daughter - Victor lets fly at him. When Margaret returns she find Kazanzi has buried Victor up to his neck in the garden with a pot over his head. She also hears that her mother has died.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #


Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking.

I'm sorry that I'm not here now,
but that's because I'm somewhere else.

I say, I'm somewhere else!

But I expect you'll both be up here soon,
won't you, the pair of you?

So I'll see you then.



Hello, Mum It's Wednesday, about 6:00

I'm just ringing to say that all being well,
we'll be up there Sunday afternoon about 3:00,

but I'll speak to you soon Bye-bye

Any luck? How did it go?

Yes, very well, surprisingly

I see the Wild Man of Borneo's
had another good day in the garden

Quicker using a trained lugworm at this rate

Well, who got him in? Not me
There was no necessity for it in the first place

There's every necessity with their bloody tree
next door sucking all the moisture

out of our garden like an elephant's trunk

Get his roots chopped off on our side,

we might be able to grow something
out there again

He's charged me for one guppy too many here

Oh, no, I tell a lie He hasn't

So how did you get on at The Herald offices?

Did you get that job
on the packing-bench or what?

They're going to ring me up
and let me know tomorrow

They say I have to be sure to be in
between 9:00 and 1 :00

Oh, well, that sounds hopeful, doesn't it?

I hope you're going to have the decency
to take the dead ones out first this time

Yes, I am Where's the tea strainer?

Good grief

That's 1 2 7 of those things
you've managed to kill off now

Never known anything like it since biblical times

You flattened 1 2 in one go
when you dropped that rock in the tank

It's just teething troubles, that's all
I think I know what I'm doing wrong now

Fish have a better life expectancy
in the Co-op freezer than they do in that thing

Oh, and can we please
not flush them down the toilet this time?

'Cause half the bloody things
come floating back up again


Anyway, everything's under control now

I've just got a few more adjustments to make
to this airflow and they'll be fine

By the way, I phoned Mum this afternoon

She's beginning to get
the hang of that answering machine more now

I don't really know why you got one
for her in the first place

You know she never goes far

She might go a bit further if she stopped
growing runner beans up her Zimmer frame

I said we would pop up there Sunday afternoon

Battier by the minute

Went over there the other week,
she was slicing wax fruit on to her All-Bran

Says it keeps her regular

Keeps her regular?
So does a stick of dynamite up your Shh

I can hear them talking next door
Where's that glass?

God spare us Here we go again

They're talking about us I just caught the words
''arsehole think he's playing at''

It's gone quiet I wonder what's happening?

Loopy as the day is long

That's five lots of them
he's brought home in the last week

Wouldn't be surprised
if he's eating them on Ritz crackers

Am I going to get my spaghetti jar
back again tonight or what?

Well, what with that and our friend
homo erectus out the back,

you never know what you're going
to see there next

-Homo erectus?

I imagine he must live in a cave
quite nearby somewhere

Comes out for a few hours each day to lumber
round Meldrew's garden with a shovel in his fist

I'm not quite sure why

If you're talking about that workman next door,

I think he looks cute


I've never seen so much hair growing down
someone's back in all my life

He could blow-dry his bottom
every morning at that rate

I tell you, if he damages that cherry tree,
there'll be all hell to pay

Here you go Come on

I wonder why he only eats cat food?

Don't look at me He's your baby substitute

What's that supposed to mean? I got him for you

Yes Of course you did

(ON TV) Wonder what the weather's
gonna be like. Tania?

...sunny elsewhere but hopefully there should be
some bright spells tonight.

Yo! How's it hanging, Mr Meldrew, okay?

Sorry I didn't get very far yesterday
I had a slight problem with the dehydration

Had to let it breathe overnight,
get some precipitation in your sub-soil

And how is it this morning?

Marvellous this morning Here, look

Yielding straight away, that is See for yourself


Does feel a bit more supple than usual

You see what I'm saying
about your moisture content?


Try keeping it on the plastic sheeting
if you can, Mr Meldrew

Oh, right Yes, sorry


All right, Love Queen

Is it a wonderful, wicked morning or what?

Hello How are you today?

As ever, darling, with a song in my heart
and a tongue in my ear I couldn't be happier

Bet that's hard work,
digging down all that way with just a shovel

I tried it once with a pneumatic drill,
but it kept giving me orgasms Had to stop


What the bloody hell am I doing?

I'm supposed to be paying you to do this,
for God's sake!

So just bloody well get back in there
and get on with it

Absolutely, Mr Meldrew, no problems
Be right on it

That's absolutely disgusting!

MARGARET: And give my love to your mummy
and thanks again

Now, you be careful crossing the road,
both of you, won't you? Bye-bye


Who was that? I thought you'd gone

Well, I was just getting into the car
when Mrs Aylesbury's children

came running across with this

Said they'd brought it back to us from
Westward Ho! as a present Bless them

Oh, yes, the very thing I was about to add
to my Christmas present list,

a sack full of seaweed

It's to add to your new fish tank
Wasn't that thoughtful?

Yes, very thoughtful,
loading half the North Atlantic into a rubbish bag

There's barnacles and God knows whatnot in here

Oh, and hang on I think I can just see
Hans and Lotte Hass down the bottom as well

I've got to go
What time did they say they'd ring about that job?

Before 1 :00, but that will only be if I've got it

Oh, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed
and I may ring you later Bye-bye




Yo, Mr Meldrew

GIRL: Oh, my God!


Quarter to bloody 1 :00

Ring for God's sake, can't you?

Well, that's that, then

Another one down the Swannee

Must have needed my head examined
to think they'd ring in the first place

What did I come up here for?


Oh, I don't believe it

Come on Come on Come on!

I had to drink three bloody cups of coffee

Why didn't I bring up an elastic band?

Come on, you bloody

Yes! Hang on! Just one more second!

00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,960

No, they haven't

No, not yet


Yeah Yeah Yeah

Would you please get off the phone
in case they do?

Yes, I'll talk to you later Yes, right, bye

Here, boy

Come on Here, boy



Here, boy


Is he out there?

I can't see him, no

Stop worrying

If he was going to run away from home,
I'm sure he'd have left you a note

Perhaps I'll just take one more look
in the airing cupboard

Look at that

Why is it every time you spend half an hour
trying to pick them apart,

there's always a bloody two-page advert
for Peugeot?

I completely wasted four seconds of my life
doing that


00:14:05,807 --> 00:14:08,480
Where the bloody hell did you come from?

Bugger off

00:14:16,087 --> 00:14:17,315

Well, yes, of course

Yes, thank you very much

3:00 Yeah Yes

Yes, thank you very much indeed

Well, who would have thought it?

Get your bloody nose out of that bread bin!

Where's he got to this morning?

I've done some fried mushrooms with this as well
Is that okay?

That's fabby-fab, Mrs Meldrew
The more the merrier

By the way, I hope you didn't mind me opening up
a tin of talcum powder while I was up there,

only I'm allergic to the Sainsbury's

See how rough my skin gets?

-Up there
-Oh, yes

-Yes, shocking Yeah
-Yes, that's a bit on the flaky side, eh?

Excuse me!

Oh, morning, Mr Meldrew How's it hanging?

Terrific morning, isn't it?

Never mind how it's hanging
What the hell's all this about?

We opened a seaside guest house here,
have we now?

Mr Kazanzi's water was cut off this morning

Well, I don't imagine
you'd want to start the morning

without having a bath or something to eat

I'll go and put some toast on for you
How would you like it?

Like my women, golden, hot
and covered in marmalade


I thought you said this was going to be
one day's work out there

No probbies, Mr Meldrew
Be done by lunch time, maximum


-Lovely, thanks

What's that?


What the hell's this in aid of?

''Sealed with a loving kiss
from Tina, Marilyn and Trish

''You can come round
and get dirty in our garden any time''

You can come round and get dirty

Oh, I don't know
School girls, what would you do with them?

It must be wonderful to be so popular

I know, I'll send them a 1 2-inch ruler
as a measure of my affections

Yes! Well, thank you very much indeed!

When I want to have breakfast
with Hale and Pace, I'll let you know

You still here?
I thought you had to go to the bank this morning

And don't forget
you start work at 3:00 this afternoon

Right Well, I'll just leave you both to it, then

Bye-bye, Mr Meldrew Be groovy!

I wonder how they knew my size

Oh, cut it out




Two bloody hours just to see
a sodding bank manager

Why does everything have to end up
in such a rush?

KAZANZI: Off! Off! God's sake!


For God's sake, what did you do,
spray these on this morning?

-Stop moaning and just pull
-I am pulling

What the bloody hell's going on in here?

Hello, Mr Meldrew
I thought you was going to be out all day

So it would bloody well appear

I mean, what is this, a hostel for sex maniacs?
I mean, why didn't you tell me?

I'd have had a contraceptive machine
put in the downstairs toilet for you

-Hey, look, calm down
-Come on, you little tart, out with you

-Where did he pick you up, dial-a-nympho?
-You're hurting my arm

Oi, oi, oi! Come here! She's not a little tart


You wanna get heavy with the young lady here,
do you?

Dad! Dad, look I'm okay It's nothing

Don't lose your temper with him, please
You'll only regret it later like you always do

I'm not gonna regret nothing, Susan
Here, open the back door

Open the back door now!

Right, you, outside

''Dear Mrs Meldrew, have filled in the hole now

''Hope it is to your satisfaction
It certainly is to mine''



Well, what are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm wallpapering the spare bedroom

What the bloody hell does it look as if I'm doing?

Not very much

Oh, for
What on earth happened?

It wasn't my fault

I came home to find him groping
some half-naked female on the floor

What was I supposed to think?

Half-naked You don't mean his daughter?

She dropped by to give him a hand
just after you'd left

I said they could both use the bathroom
to clean up when they'd finished

Oh, Victor


What have you done this time?

-Blow my nose!

Stop standing there wittering and blow my nose
I think I'm going to sneeze


God, what are we going to do?

What do you suggest we do?

Spread some fertiliser round my neck
and wait till I come up in the spring?

I'm not going to stay like this forever, am I?

I feel like a bloody ball on the penalty spot

He's packed it rock hard all around me
You'll just have to start digging


Who's that?

Oh, it's Patrick and Pippa
I'll get them to give me a hand

Don't you bloody dare

Let him see me like this? I'll never live it down

You don't know it was him

PATRICK: Mrs Meldrew, the very person

-Oh, hello

You both, erbeen out somewhere?

Yes, just up to the hospital

You know, to have a hermit crab
surgically removed from my testicles

-I beg your pardon
-Well, I say hermit crab,

it wasn't demonstrating much
in the way of hermitude

when it popped into my shorts earlier on for lunch

and fastened itself to my scrotum
like a bulldog clip

How did this happen?

Well, I've only got myself to blame
on that one, I'm afraid

It's the old, old story
I remembered to apply the sunscreen,

but completely forgot to smear
my groin with crab repellent

and, inevitably, I paid the price

Your eyes look very red

-Yes, well they would do, wouldn't they?
-Patrick, come on

Makes you wonder where things like that
come from, doesn't it?

Doesn't it, Mrs Meldrew? Yes, doesn't it?

Changing the subject altogether,
how's Mr Meldrew

getting on with his collection
of exotic marine wildlife?

No escaped specimens to report,
anything like that?

No No, I don't think so


Oh, I'm sorry, but I think that's my phone

Would you excuse me, please, both of you?

Yes, Margaret, see you later
Come on, Patrick, indoors



There was a bit of mix-up
with the workman, actually

Was there?

Yeah, and

One of those stupid things, you know

Yes Yes, I do indeed, Mr Meldrew

Oh, God!

Fan-bloody marvellous!

What am I going to tell them at The Herald?

''I'm sorry I never came into work
but, unfortunately,

''I was buried up to my neck
in a heap of rotting''

What is it now?

Who was that?

It was Mrs Reynolds, who lives next door to Mum

She said she went round there this afternoon
with her pension

and found her dead in the armchair

Said they reckoned

she'd been like that for five days

just sitting there

with her knitting in her lap

Telephone answering machine
had been left on since Monday

Oh, God




I'll get a shovel

Still not sure about that

It was all right at her place,
but I'm not sure about ours

Grandparents had one

I always remember as a child being scared stiff

that if the pendulum stopped,
it meant I was gonna die

Used just to sit and stare at it for hours
in case it suddenly stopped swinging,

like waiting for your heart to stop

And did it?

Nope, and I'm still here

Oh, we might as well keep this

You can always switch it on
when you go to the loo

Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking.

I'm sorry that I'm not here now,
but that's because I'm somewhere else.

I say, I'm somewhere else!

But I expect you'll both be up here soon,
won't you, the pair of you?

So I'll see you then.



Well, that's cheered me up no end, I must say

Are you all right?

Yes, I'll just go through that tomorrow, I think

Are you coming up?

Yes, I might as well

Not yet, you don't, matey!

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #