One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 2, Episode 4 - Who Will Buy? - full transcript

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away, but I'm not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

(CREEPY MUSIC ON TELEVISION)

who do you reckon did it, then?

- His nephew Basil.
- why?



when they found the old man's body in the
herb garden he was clutching a piece of basil.

Ah.

Lucky he wasn't killed by his Uncle Dick.

Good grief!

It's always the same, isn't it,

as soon as you start mixing
the whisky and Smarties?

It's a lethal combination with you. Reduces your
conversation to the level of a lavatory brush.

Quiet now, please.
Poirot's about to unmask the murderer.

He's got all the suspects lined up
in the lounge bar, look, where all will be revealed.

No, hang on. No, he's not going to tell us yet.

He's decided to have a drink first.

why is he drinking a pint of lager?

I don't know.

It's not often you see Poirot
swig back a tankard of beer like that.



No.

You know why? It's bloody Jocky wilson.
we're watching the darts now.

How did that happen?

I was wondering why they were all
wearing their shirts outside their trousers.

Typical.

That's with the news overrunning last night.
It switched itself off before the end.

I just wish they'd come and do something
about this video head.

Can hardly see a thing on the screen for snow.
Everything we record looks like ''Dr Zhivago''.

I... I've got a spot coming up on my nose now.

I'm not surprised, with all the Smarties.

I don't know why you don't just glue them
to your face and be done with it.

Do we have to have this thing sitting here,
wearing out the chair covers?

Gives me the creeps. I keep expecting it to
get up and walk across the floor, like in that film.

For goodness' sake,
put it somewhere out of the way.

You leave him alone.
He's not doing anyone any harm.

You wouldn't like to be cooped up all night
in a waitrose bag.

I don't know why you bought it. I thought
we finished with all this when we got married.

You weren't very good at it then.

At least it whiles away the daylight hours.

I thought about auditioning
for ''Opportunity Knocks''.

If you go on that, I really will
leave the country. And anyway, it's finished.

Oh, my God!

Look! His back's burst open again.

There's sawdust everywhere.

Get him out of the front room.

Put him in the downstairs loo or somewhere.

I'll cover his head with the toilet roll cosy.

Crap. Crap.

Crap.

Gas bill. Crap.

Margaret, I'm up!

where are the aspirins?

Margaret?

Oh, are you up?

The aspirins are on the table
next to the Alka-Seltzer.

- where have you been?
- Down the community centre.

They found an unexploded bomb in Mr Lacey's
back garden yesterday, from world war II.

The whole street had to be evacuated
to be on the safe side.

Did you bring the milk in?

Unexploded...

- when was this?
- About half past two, a policeman came round.

I asked you if you were going to get up.

All I got was, ''Tell them to send for
the A Team, '' and then you went back to sleep.

wh... wh... what...

what if... what if it had gone off?

Couldn't be any worse than your snoring.

It was a relief to get away from it.

It's like sleeping
with a troop of howler monkeys.

Anyway, they never do go off, do they?
It's just a precau...

Is that... Is that a beetle?
Down there by the door. It's a bug of some sort.

- (DOORBELL)
- Oh, that'll be the video man. He's early.

Good morning, sir. Another lovely one. Makes
you wonder what's happening to the climate.

what are you? A door-to-door meteorologist?

- I've got a splitting headache, so...
- what with Christmas just around the corner,

I've got something here I know you'll agree
will make the ideal gift for your grandchildren.

How do you know I've got grandchildren?
I might be completely sterile.

what they are is...

bendy dinosaurs.

The kids go ape over them.
My two never put them down.

This is your brontosaurus.

And this is your triceratops,
I think that one's called.

£25 each.
Now, we do do a much bigger size at 50.

Totally indestructible. You can bend that neck
every which way. It won't snap. You try that.

I won't, if you don't mind. Once I start
snapping necks I find it very hard to stop.

(MUTTERS) Bendy dinosaurs!

Sell, sell. That's all you get these days.
Everywhere you look. Junk!

what's this? Another invitation to buy
a hand-tooled guide to the Aztec civilisation?

Right, I'd better get dressed.

Now, you know I've got to take the car this week
because Meg drove the delivery van into a wall.

And I may be a bit late coming home...

- Did you just...?
- Hmm?

Nothing.

Morning, Mr Meldrew!

- How are you today?
- Fine, thank you.

- I put some jam on your doorstep. All right?
- Sorry?

Grape and peach, courtesy of Mother.

He says, ''Thank you very much indeed.''

- How is she?
- Oh, she's not bad. Not bad.

Still has her rather odd ideas.

She's decided this morning
she wants to be buried in the back garden.

That's a bit drastic, isn't it?

Oh, no. I mean eventually. That's
a rather amusing misunderstanding, isn't it?

No, I'm just out here resetting the dahlias.

Actually, I'm glad I've seen you. we're putting on
a benefit concert at the Kingsway Hall.

Raise funds for the elderly.

Mrs Meldrew was telling me that you've started
getting back into the old ventriloquism act.

Yes, I used to do it years ago, but it wouldn't
be up to performing standard. Not now.

well, I suppose...

Of course...
How long would you want me to do?

I know. Left your torch.

Left it on the window sill in the kitchen.

There you are, then.
I'll expect you ten o'clock, Friday.

Get these sorted out
and I won't be afraid any more, will I?

Er... good evening.
The floral basket. I've got a delivery.

Oh, pardon.
I thought you were the security man.

No, no. Erm...

Is this 62 or 62A?

62, yes.

Oh, carnations.

Chrysanths.

And freesias. Oh, she knows I love freesias.

I knew she wouldn't forget, not on my 70th.

It's my... my niece, Ruthy.

She hasn't got a lot of time
to write or pop round these days, but...

Oh, and there's some roses in there as well,
bless her.

- I think I've come to the wrong...
- Pardon?

wait... wait...

- Let me put them in some water for you.
- Oh, that is sweet of you.

where are...? Oh, right.

Oh, mind the stool. Just a sec.

I'll put the light on.

There. That's better.

- (CLATTER)
- Er... It doesn't seem to have er...

- It doesn't seem to be working.
- Oh. It's that fuse. It's gone again.

I've got some wire in here somewhere.

It's chilly in here as well, isn't it?

There's a fan heater in the fireplace.

Oh, I... Oh.

Yes, I see.

- (wHIRRING)
- There. That's better. Is your kitchen in here?

(WOmAN) I didn't hear you come in,
I was just drying my hair,

my God, what on earth's happened?

(THEmE FROm ''THE ARCHERS'')

(RADIO OFF)

Let's see. That's it.

Five-amp.
Are you all right out there in the dark?

(CLATTER)

Fine, thank you.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- How are you doing?
- Oh. Good gracious.

This is a surprise. It's er...

(BOTH) Patrick and Pippa.

Right. Here we are, then.

Um...

I'll... I'll just...

I'll just put them down on the erm...

Oh! On the desk.

- Is it on?
- Yes. well done.

Look, I've knocked over all your dominoes.
I'm sorry.

Don't worry. I'll pick them up later.

There is...
There is something you can do for me.

- Yes?
- Read a letter for me from my son Mike.

Lives in Australia. It only arrived this morning.
where did I put it?

Ah, there it is. I've got a grandson out there,
and two great-grandchildren.

Yes, Danny and... Danny and little Tracey.

I must start thinking
of what to get them for Christmas.

- I always try to get a little something off.
- Right. Let's see what he's got to say, then.

It's ages since he wrote.

- I expect it's full of news.
- I expect it is.

Oh, I know.
His writing, it's terrible, isn't it?

But, well, do the best you can, eh?

Yes.

Dear Dad...

Just a few lines to let you know

that we all miss you
and that we're all thinking of you,

even though we're so far apart.

The weather... here...

The weather here is wonderful,

and we just wish that you were here
to share it with us.

(TELEVISION OFF)

So um... There we are.

I'm sorry it missed off the ending,
but Margaret's pretty sure it was Basil.

I would have said it was Basil.
I think that's what that leaf was in his hand.

I think it was a clue left by the victim
to let them know who'd murdered him.

A bit tentative, isn't it? what if he missed
and picked a bit of parsley instead?

- Could've hanged an innocent man.
- who?

He should've slithered up to the conservatory
and written the name down on a piece of paper.

You don't think of things like that
when you've just been shot in the stomach.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Oh, that'll be Margaret now.

Sorry I'm late. I was talking to a poor old man.
All a bit tragic, really.

- Oh, hello.
- Look who's turned up. Patrick and Pippa.

- Margaret.
- How are you?

Fine, fine. How are you both?

Oh, not so bad. Exhausted, mainly.

we were just telling Victor
it took 12 hours to get here from Bath.

M4 was choked solid.

How are you settling in now? All right?

Oh, fine.

Still...

things are coming round by degrees.

Erm... I... I won't be a sec.

- well?
- well what?

well, who the hell are they?

I haven't the faintest idea.

- You must have some idea. You let them in.
- I've never clapped eyes on them.

They suddenly turned up on the doorstep
with three suitcases.

I listened to them yapping on for two hours
about cones and contraflows,

then I lost the will to live and put on a video.

I thought you'd know who they were
when you got back.

Patrick and Pippa. Doesn't mean a thing.
They must be relations.

No. I sneaked out after half an hour,

went through all the photograph albums,
the address books. Nothing.

The closest I got was Patsy and Peter,
and they're both dead.

In any case, they were your sister's goldfish.

It's too ridiculous for words. I'm going to
come straight out with it and ask them.

You'll do nothing of the sort.
Make us both look like a couple of halfwits.

No, it'll come to us in a minute. It's bound to.

Actually, Margaret, we're both a bit bushed.

If it's all the same with you,
we'd like to get to bed.

Oh, fine. That's all right.

Yes, well, I'll take...
I'll take your suitcases upstairs.

You sleep in our bed.
we'll make do with the sofa.

- Your bed?
- Yes.

It's a perfectly good bed.
we haven't got round to a spare yet.

So, um... If you'll just follow me.

I'll get you some fresh soap.
I'm sure you could do with a bath.

Actually, thank you, I think we'll be off home.
Thanks very much for the tea and Poirot.

Home? we wouldn't dream of turfing you out
at this hour. Give those back here.

(THUD )

Don't be ridiculous. we're hardly
going to send you home at this hour.

It's time we left you in peace. It is past 11.

- Victor...
- Hand those back and don't be so obstinate!

Victor, if they want to go, they should go.

Thank you... very much indeed.

It's been lovely chatting to you both.

- Goodnight. Bye, Margaret.
- Bye.

And goodnight.

Ohhh...

God!

what? what is it?

we have seen them before.

I've remembered now.

- I've remembered where they come from.
- where?

Next door.

what?

Remember, when we were moving in,
they were just leaving,

going off on a month's holiday
to the west Country.

we just shouted hellos to each other,
and that was about it.

Next door?

Do you mean, when their car drew up outside,
they were go...?

Right. That's that sorted out, then.

I think they could see the funny side of it.

They seem a very nice couple when you
get to know them. Now, I've got to get back.

There's another one coming up, for God's sake.
I look like a Sumatran rhinoceros.

At least you won't have to put a red nose on
for your act this afternoon.

Oh, Pippa says she'll be glad to run you there
and back, so you don't have to ring for a taxi.

Oh.

I tell you who I will ring. Bloody video place.
That's three times they've promised to come.

I expect I'll get that usual bimbo
on the showroom desk.

well, good luck with your concert.
I'll see you later.

Bursting out the back here
if you're not careful.

Hello. This is Mr...

Yes, it bloody well is me again,
and it's still likely to be.

I'm telling you, one of these days,
you're going to push me too far.

Right. Tomorrow.

And that's final.
After that, I'm finished with you.

we could try changing the head for a start,
as this one seems to have a mind of its own.

I'm sick to bloody death of...

Don't start crying.

No, I'm sorry if I shouted.

Right? I... I'm sorry.

Right?

Oh.

I've just got a couple of things to pack,
and then I'll be right with you.

(CHEERING)

Hello, Marty?

- Marty, up there. Can you hear me?
- Hello?

Oh, good. Just run through
those running order changes.

- I think it might affect your lighting cues.
- OK, mate,

Right, now, after Anthrax Attack
have finished their set,

we've moved the Kray Sisters back, so it's now
Des Haemorrhage and Maggie Mussolini.

- OK,
- Right. Then comes Jerry Sadowitz.

Jack The Lettuce, who Killed Kathy Kirby?
and Sick, Sick, Sick.

- (STATIC)
- Then we're back as before.

Iggy Doonican, Coil And Cap, Orphanage
Explosion and Victor Meldrew and Cuthbert,

which will be the cue out of the first half.

One sec, Marty. Yes, Mr Meldrew?

Is it possible for me to go on after
someone else other than Orphanage Explosion?

Just seems rather a tricky act to follow.

I suppose we could put you on later. what say
between Eraserbrain and Clive Antichrist?

Eraserbrain? Look, to be honest, I...
I feel a bit out of place.

- Could we just forget the whole thing?
- Don't be silly. You'll be fine.

I'm sure you'll be a big success.
You've rehearsed. You can't back out.

No.

That's what worries me.

Is anybody in?

Hello? It's Mrs Meldrew from the florist's.

I thought you might like these freesias.
we had them left over from a big display.

Are you at home?

(VICTOR SPEAKING IN SQUEAKY VOICE)

(CONVERSING wITH DUMMY)

(ROARS OF LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Hello, Nick Swainey.

Yes, hello, Sergeant. what's the problem?

Er, yeah. Yeah, I will.

No, Sergeant. Thank you for letting me know.

Yeah, I will. Yeah. Bye-bye.

- Hello. I'm supposed to pick up Mr Meldrew.
- He's...

- I'm not sure if he's ready yet.
- He'll be off in second!

Sorry. I've erm...
I've just had a piece of terrible news.

One of the old people we go and visit,
an old blind chap, he's... He's been murdered.

Oh, my goodness.

- whenever was this?
- This afternoon.

He was found. It could have been any time.

The whole flat had been ransacked. Poor bloke.

- God, they can't be right in the head.
- They just found him on the floor, strangled.

- Lying there, a domino clutched in his hand.
- A domino?

He could play dominoes.
He had a special set with raised spots.

A domino.

They didn't say which number?

He did, in fact.
He said it was a... A double one.

Don't suppose it means anything.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'll...

Double one...

Two spots.

Oh, hello. Have you been waiting long?

Right, there we are.

Are you all right?
You looked a bit edgy in the car.

I expect you'd like a nice cup of tea.

- Did you hear me?
- Oh, I didn't realise you were talking to me.

Erm... No, no, it's all right.
I'll be getting along.

Right, well...

Before you go, could you take him for me?

And then I can... That's it.

That's right. He goes in the downstairs toilet.

- Does he?
- Yes.

If you wouldn't mind. Thanks very much.
If you could be quick. I think he's bursting.

Bursting? Oh, right.

Victor? How did it go?

I've had a terrible day.

(FLUSHING)

There. There we are.

All right? See you around, then.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you
for your contribution to the show.

At least we can use some of the money
to give old Albert a proper funeral.

For what? A few pounds left over
from his pension. That's all his life was worth.

The irony of it is,
he had just over 100 in the post office.

He was just about to use it to have
new locks fitted, get everything secured.

If he'd done that on Friday morning,
he might be alive today.

That's right. He said about that.
why didn't they come?

Apparently he cancelled. He said
he needed the money for something else.

what? what would make an old man like that

suddenly part with all the money
he's got in the world?

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

# And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

# And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #