One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 2, Episode 5 - Love and Death - full transcript

The Meldrews encounter typical problems when they go to stay with Vince and April at their seaside hotel,including a dead sea-gull in the toilet and a group of performing midgets who set on Victor when he takes a midge spray to the bath-room. After the attack two Romanian girl guests are sympathetic to him and Margaret gets jealous,causing Victor to go out and get drunk. So as not to disturb Margaret the hosts put him in their bed but this leads the Meldrews to suspect them of trying to seduce Victor. As a result Victor sets fire to April's wig and Vince gets pushed off the pier.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away, but I'm not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

Unbelievable! Did you see
what she was reading, at her age? Unbelievable!

- what about her, at her age?
- ''The Joy Of Sex.'' That old woman.

I didn't know where to put my face.

well, it doesn't seem to have put you off
finding words for this brainteaser.

Key word, ''undemocratic''. what have you got?

''Mount, mate, moan, mound,

''ride, rude, crude, nude,

''rod, ram, nut, rut,

''nice, cute, round, dome.''

And ''dormice''.

- Very Freudian.
- You can't wonder at it.

It's stuck under your nose all the while.

- You can't go anywhere these days.
- Evidently.

I told you about those two waitresses
discussing their boyfriends in the Pizza Hut.

Discussing their boyfriends' dimensions.

- what dimensions?
- what do you think?

what dimensions?

well, they weren't comparing hat sizes.

I don't want to listen to that
when I'm filling up my salad bowl.

There's no need to get a complex about it.

- You are what God made you.
- Exactly. I mean, we don't even know...

what do you mean, what God made me?

what's that supposed to mean?

I'm not getting any complexes.

- I'm glad to hear it.
- Nothing to get complexes about.

I don't believe these letters.
Listen to this one.

''Dear Auntie Lucy,
although we are both over 70,

''my husband and I enjoy normal relations
every Saturday with the help of painkillers.

''My husband is a little confused
about contraception,

''and always keeps his cap on as a precaution.''

£10 letter.

I mean, why do people
want to talk about things like that?

with some people,
that's all they can do, is talk.

That's all some people are capable of.

- what's the matter?
- Nothing.

- what?
- Nothing.

well, another half-hour, we'll be there.

Bleak House, with April and Vince.

I suppose everything will run to its usual form,
same as it always does when we're there.

She'll laugh like a simpleton
at everything I say for no reason,

while he goes out the back
and talks to his cucumbers.

I thought when they moved away to open
a boarding house, we'd got rid of them. But no.

Boarding house?
It's more like a wildlife kingdom.

The things you see darting about
round their skirting boards.

Inspecting the mattress is like
a day out at Chessington Zoo in itself.

I expect they'll put us up
in that poky little attic room

where you have to open the fanlight
to take your vest off.

- Sorry?
- I didn't say anything.

I thought you were about to tell me to
for God's sake give it a rest and stop moaning.

You go ahead, if it makes you feel better.

There we are, then. There's more stew
in the oven if you want it, anyone.

All right, my loves? Lovely.

Margaret, you're dining with us tonight,
just here. There we go.

- Does it matter where I...?
- (MIAOw)

Come here, you little flea circus, you.

Sorry about that. She's next door's.

She can smell the fish stain on the chair.

She hasn't been sick under the table?

And wash your hands.

- There we are. Victor on his way down?
- Yes, he's just coming.

Of course, we haven't seen
the pair of you since he retired.

- How's it all going, then? All right?
- we have our ups and downs, you know.

Oh, I love him to bits, your Victor. Don't you?

I only have to look at him and I laugh.
It's the way he keeps coming out with things.

Yes, he does tend to.

Here he is.

Victor, over here. we're at the captain's table.

- Everything all right for you?
- Generally speaking, no.

I've just been into the bathroom on the top
landing and discovered a dead seagull.

You see what I mean? It doesn't matter
what he says. He's got that dry wit.

I'm not joking. It's in there. I lifted up the seat
and there it was, staring at me.

One of its feet caught
in that little lemon freshener thing.

I'm being serious, for God's sake!

Oh, dear. what, really?

It must have flown through the window
and fallen in the bowl.

well, I didn't imagine
it had come out of someone's bottom.

I just wanted to know what you were
going to do about it, out of interest.

Vince. There's a dead seagull in the top toilet.

- will you see to it, please?
- Yes, dear.

Everything all right, everyone?

And how's Victor?

So nice to see you.

- All right, my love?
- Oh, sorry.

I thought Bruce Forsyth
had just walked into the room.

Oh, I love him to bits!

Erm... Stew all right, both of you?
Margaret? There's plenty more.


Sorry about that. Must be the cat.

I think I'm allergic.

God knows when this bed was last turned.
Look at this.

Frank Ifield, ''She Taught Me How To Yodel''.

Hard as a brick, as usual.

- what was that?
- what?

I saw something just scuttle
across the top of that tallboy there.

The next time I come here,
I'm going to pack my elephant gun.

How are you feeling?
I think that brandy did you some good.

- what side do you want to sleep on?
- I don't mind.




- Oh. It's you.
- Yes.

- Did you get rid of it all right?
- Yes.

Of course, those swing bin liners
aren't made for cormorants.

You tie them up
and the beak keeps sticking through.


You'll have to get me some antihistamines.

well, I put their poison down by the nest.
I don't think they'll do it again.

Give me a hand to put this back.


- I'm sorry. I didn't realise.
- No, no, is all right. we finish now.

It's not here.

Er... Door king.

Da. Door king, we cannot find.

- Door king.
- Oh, door key. There's not a door key.

- Door key! Ah!
- Door key. Da.


- Goodnight, Petra. Goodnight, Marie.
- Goodnight, Victor.

Romanian, apparently, these two girls.

Seemed very nice. Speak very good English.

we were just having a chat in the bathroom.

Oh, yes? what about?

Made you foam at the mouth, whatever it was.

The usual, was it?


Oh, damn. And there's me
forgot to pack the steel ruler again.

- Steel... what steel ruler?
- The one that's gone rusty through lack of use.

Here we are!

Breakfast in bed.
Nothing but the best for Victor.

There you go. There's coffee.

Fruit juice.

weetabix soggy with honey.

Nice runny egg and a toasted crispy bun,
all done to a turn.

Sounds revolting.

Oh, you make me laugh.

Oh, by the way, Margaret left early. She's gone
to do some shopping and some sightseeing.

How did you sleep? All right, did you?

Yes, very well, thank you.

Oh, by the way,

Vince wants to see you later in the garden.

- Got something for you.
- Oh, really? what is it?

My lips are sealed.

How are you today, my little darlings?

How's my Topsy?

You'd like a nice little drink, wouldn't you?
Course you would.

There we are.

Good morning, my tasty greens.
Time for breakfast.

I haven't forgotten you.

There we are.

They hear every word you say,
you know, Victor. Every word.

And you respond as well.
Don't you, my little darlings, eh?

I don't suppose you've ever grown
an organic cucumber.

Hmm... I can't say I have, Vince, no.

It's not something to dabble in
unless you know what you're doing.

I've got something for you.
A little retirement present. It's down here.

Oh, dear. what is it? An organic compost heap?

It's just a little something I ran up myself.

You might like it, you might not.

There. what do you think of that, then?

Yes, it's er...

It's a gravestone.


You haven't got one already, have you?

No, I... No.

Oh, good. Six weeks it took me to do that.

I'm quite pleased with the scroll-work
round the top. Very tricky, that.

One slip of the chisel,
you've bollocksed up the whole slab.

I don't know what to say, Vince.

I suppose it might seem a bit morbid
in some people's eyes,

but that's money
you won't have to fork out later on.

As that always used to be my trade,
stonemasonry, I thought, ''why not?

''Good quality marble. He'll appreciate that.''

Shame you haven't got your car with you. Still,
you can leave it here with me until you need it.


Yes, well, perhaps I'll do that, then, Vince.

- Thank you very much.
- You're very welcome.

Oh. where have you been all day?
Joyriding about the place?

Here and there. You know. Down the front.
Round the shops. Bought a few cards.

- what about you?
- Me? Nothing much.

I was force-fed weetabix purée
and sentenced to death.

An average day, really.


Victor, what are you doing?
Take that off your head.

- I'm boiling, Margaret.
- I have just put superglue on that glass.


I just stuck the bottom in
where it had come out.

Oh, my God!

Don't! Agh!

It's stuck solid.

- Don't pull at it! You'll take the skin away.
- You know how quickly that stuff sets.


Absolutely brilliant!

I just wished for this to round off the day.
I prayed for this moment.

This joyous moment
where I've got a glassful of Ind Coope bitter

welded to my forehead for all eternity.

- Don't get up! It'll spill everywhere.
- I can't lie like this for ever, can I?

- Like a bedridden Dalek.
- I'll get April to phone for an ambulance.

Take you down the hospital.
They'll get it off in no time at all.

Did you manage all right in the toilet?

Yes, thank you.

- with one hand?
- Yes, thank you.

I suppose you can see their point.

It's not an actual emergency, as such.

And if we'd gone off and got stuck
in the rush hour, you'd only have felt worse.

Vince will drive you to casualty first thing.
You'll feel better after a night's sleep.

I expect so, yes.

Oh. Yes, Vince.

Very nice.

It must have taken you ages.

Obviously I haven't filled in
the second date on it yet.

If and when, you've only got to give me a shout.

Soon knock that off for you.
won't take ten minutes.


You lovely little darling, you.

I reckon it won't be long now, will it?


Oh, there we are. There's your receipt.

And some ointment for your wrists and ankles.
It's very good. Guests swear by it in that room.

Safe journey home. Bye-bye.

Did they think he'd be down there long, then?

well, I dropped him off at nine.
It was like a madhouse then.

Told me I'd better not wait,
he'd make his own way back.

Oh, that sounds like him now.

- Morning!
- Morning, April.

Oh, Vince, have we got some powder
for the mattress in number seven?

Righty-o, then, I'll see you at dinner.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

No problems with the glass, then?

what glass?

Oh! No. They have a special solvent.
It didn't take more than five minutes.

- I walked back along the front.

Then I met Petra and Marie.

what's that on your neck?
That, on the side of your neck.

where? Oh, you know where I got that?

In the bathroom last night.
I thought I felt one of them bite me then.

Bloody things. Just as well I got some more
of this spray, before they chew us all to...




Something the matter? what is it?


Use the shower.

But is full of erm...

- Marie?
- what is the word?

Midgy. Midgy.

Midges? Oh, I've got the very thing here.

Stand back. I'll deal with this. There we are.

Here we go.

what the bloody hell...?
what are you bloody playing at?

I think they say
they are on at the winter Gardens.

with Bernie Clifton. Da.


I hope your private parts recover soon.

I hope so, yes. Thank you.

Margaret? Margaret, open this door.
what's going on?

You tell me! I suppose this is called
proving your manhood, is it?

Proving...? what are you talking about?

This... display of lust and lechery

with Dracula's daughters.

Margaret, open this door!

I'm not sure that I dare,
to such a rampant super-stallion.

what's the matter?

Nothing you can do anything about, evidently.

Oh. Right.

well, I might as well go home, shall I?
I don't seem to be able to do anything here.

You asleep? How's the migraine?

Not much better? I found these.

But they're a bit strong. They do knock you out.

Oh, thanks.

This bed's ever so hard. why don't you
have our bed? we'll sleep in here tonight.

- No, no, no. I'll be fine, thanks.
- Oh, go on. It'll be more comfortable.

There's thicker curtains.
won't let the light in.

what time is it?

Margaret, it's just gone ten.
Now, stop worrying about him.

I mean, it was just one of those things.

You didn't know he was going to be
beaten up by midgets.

I expect he'll be home by now.
You can give him a ring in the morning.

There we are, my love.


Yes? who is it?

- Police.
- Oh.

Yes, wait a minute. Let you in.

- Mrs April Bluett?
- Yes.

Got something here I think belongs to you.

He's not making a lot of sense. we found him
in a public lavatory making seagull noises.

In future, try and keep an eye on him.

Oh, Victor! we must get you upstairs
and get you undressed.

- Keep your hands off me.
- what's he been doing?

Come on, give us a hand. Get him upstairs.

Oh, my fishing trousers.
I forgot to bring them up.

Don't you go down there disturbing them.

I can't go fishing without my fishing trousers.

You up, my love?
Much nicer in my bed, wasn't it?

I won't tell Margaret about last night.

It'll be our little secret.

I thought you'd gone home.

Erm... No, I came back in the end.

I slept on the sofa.

Oh. Right.

- Are you all right?
- Yes.

- You?
- Yes.

- Erm... The taxi's just coming.
- Yes, I know.

You take these down and I'll be with you in
a second. I've got one last job to take care of.

Good morning, my love!

I thought you might be hungry
after last night's exertion.

Oh, Victor, that's very kind of you,
but I've already eaten.

I've got everything. Soggy weetabix with honey.
Runny eggs. Orange juice. Coffee.

Yes, there we are.

Breakfast in bed. Oh! Nearly forgot.

Hot toasted bun.

Done to a turn. Next time you take advantage
of my body, it'll be under that gravestone.

Did you say goodbye to April for me?


Strange. It was the first time
she didn't burst into laughter.

Oh! Could you stop here just a minute, please?

won't be a sec.

- Morning, Margaret.
- Morning, Vince.

Sorry about that.

Should be home by seven.


I thought, perhaps,
we might have an early night tonight.

That would be nice.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

# And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

# And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #