One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 2, Episode 3 - Dramatic Fever - full transcript

Margaret has taken her mother back to Kettering after she has had a trying time at the Meldrews and Victor is trying to write a sit-com but is constantly interrupted,causing him to accidentally book Margaret in to do the catering at a party thrown by local actress Desiree Gibson. Outside the house Victor argues with a litter lout and decides to teach him a lesson by emptying rubbish into his car. Inside the house he discovers he did it to the wrong person.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

I'm glad we arrived back to find this half-eaten
Double whopper with cheese in my rose bed.

Some people put manure in theirs,
but I'll have none of it.

A Double whopper with cheese is the thing.
Harry wheatcroft swears by them!



Still, it was a good evening, I thought.

Mum!

we're back!

I thought they put on a really good show
for a local group.

There's another pool of water
from that overflow out there.

Not that you knew much about it, of course,

having slept through most of the first half
like Rip Van winkle.

who did?

Next time we go to a play, why don't you
just put your pyjamas on and be done with it?

It's bad enough when you cuddled the man
in the seat next to you,

let alone all your comments during the interval!

I just said that the Hunchback of Notre Dame's
costume didn't look historically accurate.

what?

You knew full well
it was ''Peter Pan'' we were doing.



You just say things like that for comic effect.

I do not. who was that swinging
across the stage on a bell rope?

That was Mrs Henstridge from the Co-op
playing Tinkerbell.

The wire had to be that thick
because of her glandular disorder.

well, why did she have one eye
halfway up her forehead?

I'm not saying she doesn't bear a passing
resemblance to Lon Cheney Senior, it's true,

but she's got a lovely singing voice.

She's one of the company's leading lights.

So it hasn't put you off
joining them, then, tonight?

No. I've made my mind up.

It'll be fun getting back to amateur dramatics
after all these years.

Mr whittaker says I can pop along
on wednesday evening.

He thinks they might have a small part for me
in their next production,

especially now they've lost Desirée Gibson,
now she's become big and famous.

Desirée Gibson? I expect that was her
in the foyer behaving like Edna Everage.

She went to Jersey
to do a ''Bergerac'' in January.

And they say she's one of the six hang-gliding
penguins in that building society advert.

Done very well for herself.
No question about it.

Are you coming straight up to bed now?

No, I'll do another hour or two
on my situation comedy,

try and get this scene finished if I can.

- How's it coming along? All right?
- Very nicely, thank you. Very funny.

when's it got to be in by?

Closing date for entries, August 1st.

- Going to let me read it?
- when it's finished.

Anyone in mind for the parts?

Joan Plowright and Bernard Breslaw.

Oh. Good.

Mum!

we're back! Did you want some Horlicks?

(CHUCKLES)

(CLATTERING AND THUMPING UPSTAIRS)

Oh, that's going to be very good.

Congratulations!
You've done it again, haven't you?

what's the matter? what's happened?

what is it?

I take it you put all that powdered
wallpaper paste in a big glass jar

and left it upstairs last week?

No!

Oh, yes, I did.
when the packet split open. why?

My mother thought they were bath salts.

You know how she tips a ton of the stuff in.

She fell asleep in the water
reading the ''Daily Mirror'',

woke up like a giant tadpole
in a bath of frogspawn!

She looks like she's been pickled
in aspic up there.

Oh, dear. Is she all right?

would YOU be with both buttocks
glued together like treacle,

a crossword papered to one bosom
and an Andy Capp cartoon to the other?

I'll be up all evening now
scraping them with a squeegee!

I'm sorry about that. I suppose at least
there's no lasting damage done.

what's that supposed to mean?

I suppose it was also your idea
to store the Polyfilla in that old Steradent tin?

what?

You can start chipping!

Oh!

Are you nearly ready, Mum,
or we'll miss the train?

And don't try and carry that big suitcase down
with your ankle!

Have a nice day in Kettering.

If that's not a contradiction in terms.

I think she'll be glad to get home after last night.
will you be all right all day?

You'd better eat up that pasta.
It goes off at midnight.

Yes.

well, I'll love you and leave you, then.

You'll have a nice morning of peace and quiet.
You can get on with your script.

- I certainly...
- (CLATTER)

Oh, Mum!

we're off now. See you tonight.

Bye, then. Bye, Mum!

(MARGARET)
No, Mum, it's hardly noticeable this morning.

And anyway, people will just think
it's a new type of hair gel.

(FRONT DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)

First time in eight days.

Bliss!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Good morning, my name is mr RS Gridley,
ringing from Kidderminster,

Yes?

K-I-D-D-E-R-m-I-N-S-T-E-R,

Yes?

In first place, Shot B,
mike Hallett against John Virgo,

- what?
- In second place, Shot D,

Doug mountjoy against Jimmy White,

- I beg your pardon?
- In third place, Shot H,

Dennis Taylor against Bill Werbeniuk,

- Dennis Taylor...? Hello, hello!
- (LINE GOES DEAD )

Mad, utterly mad!

All right, then. where was I?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

This is Gordon James Kirkcaldy
ringing from Kirkcaldy,

Yes?

In first place, Shot F,
John Parrott against Tony meo,

Look, what the hell is this?

In second place, Shot D,
Doug mountjoy against Jimmy White,

Look, you've got the wrong number!

In third place, Shot A,
Steve Davis against Eddie Charlton,

- Look, you've got... Hello!
- (LINE GOES DEAD )

(PHONE RINGS)

- Yes?
- Hello,

Hello!

This is Erik Eidel here
ringing from Stockholm, Sweden,

And here are my votes in the BBC ''Shot
Of The Championship'' snooker competition,

Look, what am I? Katie Boyle?

You've all misdialled. You're all coming through
to a private number. Do you understand?

In first place, Shot B, ,,

Go away!

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Hello!

- Victor meldrew?
- who's he playing against? Hurricane Higgins?

I've just... Oh, yes, that's me.

- Speaking.
- Good morning, my name is Desirée Gibson,

I was ringing for mrs meldrew,
She's in Kettering?

Yes, that's right. Do you want a number for her?

It's er...

0536 598765.

- I should try her around 12.
- You're very kind. Thank you.

That's all right. Goodbye.

How you're supposed to write with interruptions
every three seconds just fair boggles the mind!

A bit of peace and quiet is not a lot to ask for
on a Monday morning.

I think you're all right there.

No worries at all there, Mr Meldrew.

what the bloody hell are you doing in there?

Mrs Meldrew was concerned the outlet
might be a bit clogged up, but it's all clear now.

I'm going up to your loft to have a look at
your overflow. Oh, you need a new Toilet Duck.

Do I?

Can't even get any privacy
in your own toilet now.

- Is Mick in here?
- No, he's not. Go away!

(CHUCKLES)

- You had a good day, then, evidently.
- Eventually.

After spending half the morning
manning the BBC snooker switchboard.

And having arguments
with three people at British Telecom.

I had more peace during the Blitz!

How was your day?

Oh, did that woman ring you at your mother's?
Desirée Gibbon?

Oh, yes. Gibson.

That's what I meant to tell you.

She's invited us to dinner at her place.

- I didn't know you knew her.
- well, I don't.

But she seemed to know all about me.

She says she's holding a ''Bergerac'' party.

You know, about half a dozen of her friends
to watch her episode

as it goes out on the air on Friday.

She said how are we fixed? I said we'd got
nothing on. It would be a thrill for both of us.

Is that the sort of thrill you get
when you plug your fingers into a light socket?

How often do we get invited out
to dinner parties?

It'll be a change from sitting
stuck in front of the television all evening.

And you never know, with her contacts,

she might know someone
who could look at your script.

Hmm.

(LAUGHS)

- what's it about? Can I see?
- when I've finished, I told you.

I presume Mick Stacey gave you his verdict
on that overflow pipe in the loft?

He did, yes.

He told me the pipe was a complete write-off.
Corroded away to begorra, he said.

''Buggery'', I think you'll find.

- Sorry?
- ''Corroded away to buggery.''

It's a technical term they use
in the plumbing industry.

It's all under control.
I'm getting a new one tomorrow.

You are?

I think you can trust me to fit an overflow pipe.
Pay him 50 quid for the privilege!

And we need a new Toilet Duck as well.

I know.

(CHUCKLES)

(MUMBLES AND LAUGHS)

It's very good.

Excuse me.

what the bloody hell do you think this is?

There's a litter bin on the corner,
or is that too far for you to walk?

You might like living in a sewer,
but other people prefer to walk down this road

without being knee-deep
in your half-digested lunch!

Are you going to pick that up?

Either you pick that up or I'm going to make
a citizen's arrest and have you prosecuted!

Don't twitch your head about
or you'll make me slip!

You're cutting into my neck.

If you don't keep still,
you'll be picking this ear up off the carpet!

I just wish you'd leave well alone, instead of
going around everywhere like Charles Bronson.

Mentally defective people like that
must have a Double whopper for a brain.

Yes, well, you're lucky
he didn't do something far worse.

It's lucky he didn't see
I was carrying a Toilet Duck.

Oh, this thing's as blunt as old Harry!

I'm going to the shed
to see if we've got some new blades.

(DOORBELL)

Don't even think about it!

33.

34.

35.

36.

wonderful. A precious record of your mother's
80th birthday for us to treasure for always (!)

No wonder they do them cheaper
than anyone else.

well, we won't be using them again.

well...

I'm off up now.
I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

I've got rehearsals in the evening and some big
arrangements to get ready, so I'll be out early.

Same with me, as it happens.

why? where are you off to tomorrow?

Nowhere in particular.
Just got a little job to take care of.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Come on, Prue. Are you sure
you haven't got time for breakfast, darling?

My God, I must have been drunk last night.

- How about a pair of squeezed grapefruit?
- Get off!

Morning!

Sorry to disturb you, only I've just had
a disaster with my upstairs plumbing.

- Just a second, Margaret. Sorry.
- (BANGING)

- Sure you're OK up there, Martin?
- Doesn't look too safe.

I'm fine. You just carry on.

OK.

- Sorry. Shall we go from your entrance again?
- All right.

Leave that cactus and come over here.
Take your tights off another time.

If I'm not there by ten,
Charles will get suspicious.

Don't forget to take the cat in to be doctored.

I might join him! I wonder what he would say
if he knew what was in store.

- I can wave goodbye to this pair.
- Something like that!

Aaaaagh!

- Oh! My God! Martin!
- I said he wasn't safe on that bloody gantry!

Martin, speak to us! Are you all right?

- Can you move? what is it? Your leg?
- My... my pacemaker!

You could've killed yourself, man!

I'll flag a car
and we'll run him off to the hospital!

Look at his leg. He'll bleed to death!

Hang on.

(MARGARET)
we need a tourniquet or something.

I'll get a bit of this curtain up the top here.

It's all seeping through here.

Come off, you bloody stupid thing!

- Aaaagh!
- Hilary!

(CHUCKLES)

Are you all right?

I'll be fine. Here!
Let's get this round his knee. You lift it.

It's no good. Some bloody idiot
has parked his car right across the entrance.

we can't carry him all that way.
we'll have to call for an ambulance.

Get him to the sofa. Can you walk at all?

Yes, I-I think so.

Take it easy. Slowly, slowly...

(CONTINUES CHUCKLING)

- we don't have far to go. Are you all right?
- You've got him?

Aaaagh!

(VICTOR CONTINUES CLAPPING)

Victor?

Is that you?

I'm absolutely amazed.
I wouldn't have believed you had it in you.

45 pages...

of absolute drivel.

what?

Is this supposed to be funny?

- what do you mean?
- It wouldn't happen, would it?

Stupid things like that in real life.
where do you get such ridiculous ideas?

Oh.

I thought it had come out rather well.

well... well, that's that down the drain.

Five weeks' work.

I've been enjoying writing that.
I thought I'd found something I was good at.

That's just my opinion.
The judges might love it.

No, you're right. I've obviously been
wasting my time completely as usual.

why don't you bring it along tonight?
To Desirée's. See what she says.

She'll give you a more professional opinion.

That reminds me. She asked me
to record that programme for her.

How long do you think
it'll take us to get there?

I suppose we should leave ourselves about...

- Any sign of them yet, darling?
- Nothing, no.

- They must have got delayed somewhere.
- Hurry up, it's just starting.

(''BERGERAC'' THEmE mUSIC)

- Sergeant, how are you today?
- Just about staying the course, my love,

Fillet steak, I think, medium rare,
And a drop of the Chardonnay,

I think we've got a bottle, I'll just check,

JimI Over hereI
What are you doing here, you old reprobate?

Brilliant!

Did you have to do much research, Dessie?

well, on that one, I did try and visit a few
restaurants. Just to absorb the atmosphere.

- (DOORBELL)
- That'll be Victor and Margaret.

- I'll get it.
- I thought they would never make it.

It means we can all eat,
if you'd like to take your places.

After the bypass,
it was at a complete and total standstill.

I'm sorry we had to open the wine
for Victor to take his Valium.

I know. It is getting worse, no doubt about it.

Right, I believe
Desirée mentioned seafood on the phone.

Yes. That's all right with us, isn't it?

- Hmm.
- Lovely.

- where is it, then?
- Sorry?

- where is it?
- what?

The seafood.

Seafood?

Yes. Look, if you couldn't manage it after all,
it's no sweat.

whatever you've prepared for us,
I'm sure it's marvellous.

Right, now, the plates are all in here,
warmed up and ready.

And serving dishes in here.

And any other utensils you may need,
I'm sure you'll soon find them.

Right, I don't suppose you want me breathing
down your neck while you're working,

so I'll just go through and join the others...

and await all your delicacies.

Oh, when you're ready with the first course,
just stick it through the hatch.

I wonder if there's a room in the house
where I can kill myself.

Oh, one more thing. If you could just put
the desserts on the trolley, we'll help ourselves.

M-Mr Gibson!

I-I think there's been a bit of a mix-up here.

we haven't brought any food with us.

I'm afraid there's been
a terrible misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding?

But you agreed it all with my wife.

On the phone the other day?

No, I don't know where she got that impression.

You told her you were in catering.

In Kettering.

Ah.

- what is it?
- They're not a bloody catering firm at all.

You've got it all arse about face as usual!

God Almighty, you were supposed
to phone up to confirm all the details!

I tried a dozen times.
The phone was off the hook!

Heavens above, woman, you must've realised!

what did you think I was talking about
when I said to make sure you brought the bill?

- Aren't they back yet?
- No.

You know what that takeaway's like on a Friday.

Nice of them to volunteer.

well, these things do happen.

If anyone would like some more soup,
I can open another tin.

Gerry was telling us the most horrific story,
how he was vandalised this week.

That's right. wednesday lunchtime.
I parked the car to go in the post office.

when I come back, some cretinous arsehole
has dumped a sack of garbage inside my car!

Gunge and crap everywhere,
for no reason at all!

Jesus Christ, if I find him,
I'll have his balls for bacon dumplings!

Terrible. The trouble is, they never catch them,
do they? They always get away with it.

Except this one made a fatal error,
left a clue behind.

- A clue?
- A load of crook transparencies.

I found them amongst the potato peelings.

Ah!

Some gormless goolie in a cap in most of them.

I'm not a vindictive man,
but if I ever come across this bastard...

Still, let's not get morbid
at the dinner table, eh?

- Sounds as if our tucker's arrived.
- Ah!

Right, we're back, everyone.
who's for a Double whopper?

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

# And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

# And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #

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