One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 2, Episode 2 - We Have Put Her Living in the Tomb - full transcript

The Meldrews agree to look after a tortoise belonging to Margaret's god-daughter Jennifer whilst she goes on holiday but it gets run over and thrown into a garden bonfire so they bury it and buy a replacement,hoping Jennifer won't notice. But are they really sure the first one is dead? Jennifer rewards them with tickets for a show which turn out to be for a performance in a year's time.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #


who...? well, put Mavis on, then.

I don't care if she is reproofing a yashmak.
I want to speak to her!

Usual performance. She takes my ticket,
disappears for half an hour, comes back.

''Do you remember when you brought them in?''
''Last Thursday.'' Off she goes, comes back.

''what colour were they?'' ''Light grey.''
Off she goes again, still... Hello!

Yes, I have got them here at home with me.

I'm wondering what this rather offensive piece
of paper is I've just found speared to the hook.

''This garment was extremely badly soiled

''and bore stains
of an unusually resilient nature.''

what's it got to do with you?

I bring my trousers in,
I expect them to be dry-cleaned.

Not reviewed in print
by the laundry critic of the ''Sunday Times''!

You might as well get Bernard Levin to do
an essay on my socks and be done with it!

Yeah... That's just the sort of remark
I expected. I don't know why I bother!

There we are. I think we made a good job
of that between us, all things considered.

How much did your decorator friend quote us?


There you are. That's nearly £90 we've saved.

And he wasn't due to start till today, remember?


That was another thing.

while I was waiting in the shop, three people
asked me if I'd just been using TCP.

I knew I should never have put it on.
It's got a radioactive half-life of 2,000 years!

Might as well give you a giant sandwich board
with each bottle. ''Yes, I was wearing TCP!''

Oh, you got another book for the bedroom, then.

Oh, yes. She jotted down the price
of those paints for me as well.

- Oh, my God!
- what's that?

Have you seen
what this is written on the back of?

- what are you talking about?
- That woman who works in the hardware shop.

It was her husband who stuck his head
in the oven and gassed himself?


This is his suicide note.

- Don't be ridiculous.
- Look!

Just as if she'd be so insensitive
to jot the price of a pot of paint

on the back of her own husband's suicide note!

''By the time you read this, I will be dead.

''My life has become such a gutted shell,

''I have decided to snuff out
my worthless existence once and for all.

''Farewell for ever, Matilda.

''I go now to my grave.''

''Dulux Satin Eggshell...

''£5.95 a litre.''

God, you're right!

You'd think she'd have shown
a bit more respect.

That's absolutely disgraceful.

what must their marriage have been like?

It's only £4.95 a litre at B&Q.

Anyway, what time are we expected
at your goddaughter's tonight?

Any time after seven, I said.
when we get there, really.

I'm going to have a long hot bath.
See if that'll soak away the TCP.

That's the five of us again.

That's Robert using the chemical toilet.

Sorry, it's a bit out of focus, that shot.

Yes, shame.

This was Lulworth Cove in Dorset. Durdle Door
there, that big rock formation in the sea.

Stunning scenery, it really was.
Oh, and this is...

I think this is where Peter accidentally
backs the Land Rover onto a duck.


Tragic, really.

- I hope we're not boring Victor.

watch out, he's got the pastry!
He's got the pastry!


what the hell...?

I wondered what that was.

It's only little Jackie's pet tortoise.

I thought it was a hernia.

Give her here.

Now, then. Five to eleven.
I still haven't shown you that other one.

I'm not sure how I cross-indexed it -
under ''Jackie'' or ''baby''.

Has someone been using TCP?

Does Auntie Norma want to come in at all,
do you think?

No, she's fine out there. She's a bit shy
with people she doesn't know that well.

She feels safe behind frosted glass.
She doesn't think we can see her.

Are you taking her on this holiday with you?

what, Auntie Norma on a trekking holiday
up the welsh mountains?

That's the great joy of the Jeep, you see.

we can just throw her walking frame
in the back and go where we want.

Can you see one with ''Jackie early '86''
in there?

- Oh, here it is.
- Is that the two-hour or the three-hour?

- Oh, three-hour.
- Thank you.

Now, Peter filmed most of this.

- There we are.


That's her head just starting to come out now.

You see? Just very slowly and...

- In a second, Sister cuts the umbilical.

Are you all right, Victor? Some more wine?

No, thank you very much.
You don't have any Alka-Seltzer at all?

what time is it?

Ten past two.

Oh, I'm ready for my pillow!

I'm wide awake now.

I'm not surprised.
You had two hours' sleep at Jennifer's.

Mind what you're doing with Kylie! How is she?

Kylie's fine, as far as one can tell.

Don't hold her upside down.
She might get a nose bleed.

One more thing to worry about, I suppose.

It's only for a week while they're away.

what possible trouble could a tortoise be?
It's not as if...

(VICTOR) Bloody hell!

Our wallpaper...
where's it gone? what's happened?

''Sorry you were out,
but thought I'd make a start anyway.

''Managed to get the worst of it off
and bagged up ready for the dustmen.

''will come back Monday to start
sanding down the woodwork. Cheers, Stan.''

- I thought you cancelled him.
- I did. Last week.

I told his mate Sid down the pub.

I made it quite clear that we were going
to do it ourselves and would he tell Stan...

wait, wait! ''Told his mate Sid''?

You didn't speak to him direct?

I didn't have his address.
I didn't know where to get hold of him.

You didn't have his address?
why didn't you try Dodge City?

That's where all the other cowboys live,
isn't it?

I don't believe you!

Five days it took to put this up!

''Didn't know where to get hold of him''?

I'll tell you where to get hold of him.
Round his bloody neck, if I see him!

I'm going to bed!

£12.50 a roll!

I can't see her. She could be anywhere by now.


She was down the bottom of the garden,
sniffing at the petunias.

- who was?
- Oh, Kylie! You haven't seen her?

She's not been in here.
Oh, I put that pie in the microwave.

what pie?

That big crusty pie
with the four baby gherkins at each corner.

If she's got out the back and onto that road,
YOU'LL be in the microwave!

She won't go out the back.
They're very territorial creatures.

Of course, you know all about tortoises.
I forgot.

That's why you spent half an hour last night
trying to teach it to sing.

I was not trying to teach it to sing.

well, you were whistling at it and making
those silly chirping noises. I saw you.

- Look, I haven't got time...
- All right, all right.


If that's another Buddy Holly lookalike trying
to sell us Sky TV, tell him we're blind and deaf.

we don't need one of his satellite dishes.

I'll weld a bidet to the side of the house.
It'll be less of an eyesore!

Oh! Thank you very much.



where have you wandered off to now?




I don't believe it!

You lazy bastards! Couldn't you have
even moved her out of the way first?


I was trying to get this for Chris.
He's just run out of hair tonic.

well, Victor won't be needing it.
He's just run out of hair! Take it.

- Are you sure?
- Positive.

Thanks. It'll stimulate his roots at least.

Very nice, Jean. Thanks for the plant. That
came yesterday. I'll put this with the others.

I told them the 15th.

So, are you doing anything nice tonight?
Going out celebrating?

well, we were thinking of going for a meal,

but then this morning I got a card from Jennifer
with two tickets for ''Les Misérables''.

what, the musical? In London? That'll be nice.

It's for tomorrow, the 16th,
so we thought we'd make a night of it then.

The trouble is,
I don't think I've got anything to wear.

I'm back! Ah, morning, Mrs warboys.

Good morning, Mr Meldrew. Happy anniversary!

Have you been using TCP?

Yes. Five days ago.

Hello, is that the United Nations?
Yes, it's Victor Meldrew here in England.

Just to say that if Señor Perez de Cuellar asks
who's been using TCP,

just say I'm very sorry and I offer my apologies
to the whole of mankind. Thank you!

Right. well, I suppose I'd better be running.

I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Perhaps we can find something then.

- Yes, we may well. See you.
- Bye.

- Bye!
- Bye, Mr Meldrew!

Did you have to wait long at the hospital?

An hour and a half. An hour and a half
sitting around like a toby jug,

only to discover I'd lost the damn thing.

- Lost it?
- The urine sample they asked for.

Must have fallen out of my pocket in the bus.

Perhaps somebody will find it and hand it in.

After all the trouble I went to last night
finding something the right size,

sterilising that old hair tonic bottle out
and everything.


Right, that grass could do with another cut.
where's the extension lead?


where have you got to now? Kylie?


♪ Fish are jumping

♪ And the cotton is high... ♪





- Victor...
- what?

what is it now?

Oh... brilliant (!)

Morning, sir. Mr Meldrew, is it?

I hope it's a convenient moment.
My name's Barney.

I wonder if I might ask you a few questions
on satellite television.

There's no obligation to buy.

Does it look like a bloody convenient moment?

- I won't be more than a few seconds.
- Margaret!

I wonder if you are aware
of the range of programming available

as a subscriber to Sky Television...

- Margaret!
- Ah, Mrs Meldrew.

Your hubby and I were chatting
about the benefits of a subscription to Sky,

many of which you will be aware of, but I'd like
to give you a couple of names for consideration.

Tony Blackburn and Derek Jameson.

(MUMBLING) Not with the pastry.

Not with the pastry.

- For God's sake, shut up!
- what's the matter?

will you stop going on about that bloody pastry
every time you fall asleep?

Pastry? why on earth
would I talk about pastry in my sleep?

I don't know.

Are you still looking at that pet column?
Put it away. I'm not having it!

One tortoise looks like another.
who'll know the difference?

we will. we're going to know the real one
was cremated to death in the back garden.

what will you tell them? It was an accident?

No, I'll say we fancied some tortoise
tikka kebab and tossed it on the barbecue (!)

It's just one of those things that happened
and we'll just have to break it to them gently.

There's someone here
with a tortoise for sale in Dockrell Road.

Now, I could pop in there
first thing in the morning.

I said no.




I said no.

Keep away from me with the pastry!

Not with that pastry!

- Is that you off?
- Yes, get something for myself.

Don't be too late back. You know
what the traffic is like getting into London.

You're not taking tranquillisers again?

No, I'm sterilising the bottle.

- Oh, for your erm...?
- Yes, they want it this afternoon.

And tell Mrs warboys
I'm sorry about Mr warboys' hair.

Yes, so was he, by all accounts.

- See you later.
- Bye.

Right. It's now or never, I suppose.

Don't play with that, darling.

Go and help Daddy get Auntie Norma's foot
out of the glove compartment.


Hello...? Victor, how are you?

Yes, just this minute... Lovely, thanks.

How's Kylie? Hasn't been giving you
too much trouble, I hope?

well, no, that's why I'm ringing, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid...

she's dead, unfortunately.

She er...

I feel just terrible about this.

She went out into the back garden
and she must have...

I beg your pardon?

Quite peacefully, I suppose. One minute
she was fine, the next minute she was...

Oh, my God.

Oh, Victor, I'd better go now.

Thanks for letting me know, anyway.

Yes... Yes, I will.


Oh... God!

I suppose it is being a bit dishonest, really.

what's worse?
Being dishonest or upsetting that little girl?

I'll just pop it in to her. I won't be a sec.

why is it you can never go when you want to?

Can't stop. There's a friend outside in the car.

But I thought you'd want her back
as soon as possible. There we are.

Yes, well, thanks for everything anyway.

You can take her out in the garden now
and play with her.

well, I don't think that's such a good idea,
do you?


- Look, I'll give you a ring later.
- Oh, right.

And thank you for those tickets.
we're really looking forward to it. See you soon.


It's all gone now.

There's no more pastry.

- I'll take these for you.
- Oh, thanks.

You go on in. I've just got to pop this
in the box round the corner.

Anyone home? Yoo-hoo!

Mr Meldrew?

It wasn't as crowded down town as we expected

and Margaret managed to find
just the right thing the first place we went in,

so it was all we...

Mr Meldrew?

Mr Meldrew?

Oh, my God!

''By the time you read this, I will be... dead.

''My life has become such a gutted shell,

''I've decided to snuff out
my worthless existence once and for all.''

Oh, my God!

what have you done? Oh!

- what's happened? what's the matter?

Just take his other arm
and help me to walk him round the room.

what's going on? what's happening?

He's going to be all right.
There's nothing to worry about.

I think I managed
to get it all out of his stomach.

But we've got to keep him awake
and hope that he might not faint.

Got all what out of his stomach?
what's happened? Jean!

Look, the empty bottle and the note. Oh!

Oh, no!


what's the matter?


what have I done?

- How's your throat now?
- Fine.

Absolutely fine since Mrs warboys
took her finger out of it. I haven't looked back!

Erm, a Ford Fiesta, you said?
Can you remember when you brought it in?

Yes. 23 minutes past six.


''Les Misérables.''

- ''The miserable people'', right?
- I presume so, yes.

Brilliant show. Absolutely brilliant.

So I'm told by people who have actually seen it.

You checked the date as well as me.
June 16th.

Still, we should look on the bright side.
The seats were very comfortable.

For the three and a half minutes we were sitting
in them! And we managed to get there early.

One year early.

Yes, that's one I wasn't expecting.

That certainly was a corker, that one!

The tickets being for June 16th next year!

It's a very popular show.
You have to book so far in advance these days.

Erm, what colour was it?

For goodness'... Light grey.

You're not married to a woman named Mavis
at my local dry-cleaner's?

- Registration?
- C65 GTB.

If they've lost my car, that's it!

It'll be me in that incinerator tonight.
I've just about had enough!


- That's not my car.
- That's the number you just told me.

It most certainly is not.

My mind must have been on something else.

By the way, I meant to tell you.
I got another tortoise.

I took it round to them this afternoon.
They don't suspect a thing, so don't say anything.

Let's just let sleeping dogs lie.

I rang her up this morning just after you'd gone.

I told her it was dead.

She didn't...


# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

# And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

# And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #