One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 9 - Not a Creature Was Staying - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here ♪ Enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what
you do ♪ Hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry now

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Na na na na

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ Ah dah dah dah

♪ One day at a time



- Oh.

(audience laughing)

- Drop kicking a wreath?

That's an interesting
expression of Christmas spirit.

(audience laughing)

- Doesn't even
feel like Christmas,

nobody's gonna be here.

Where are you going?

- Well, I'm going
off to buy you a bah

to go with your humbug.

(audience laughing)

(door closes)

(phone rings)

- Yeah, hello.
Gone Again Travel.

Yes, sir. We have
several flights

over the Pole on
Christmas morning.

Now who would this be for?

You and your wife?

And eight tiny reindeer.

(audience laughing)

I hate it when school's out.

(audience laughing)

- Psst. Barbara here?

- She's not here,
she's shopping.

- You get the reservation?

- Oh yeah, you're
all set, here you go.

Portside cabin A deck.

Sails at 4 PM December
24th, does Ann suspect?

- No, and don't
mention it to Barbara.

This has gotta be
a surprise for Ann.

I mean she's kinda disappointed.

You know, you and Julie
and the baby going to Texas,

Mark and Barbara are
gonna be with his mother.

Even Grandma's gonna be gone.

She's very depressed
about this Christmas.

- Yeah, well I have a
feeling a three day cruise

is gonna cheer her up.

I know it cheers me up,

I'm makin' a nice
commission on this.

- I think that I'm gonna
put this in a large cart.

I could buy a cheap purse.

I could put it in the
purse, have it gift...

You think I should
stay with the carton?


- I think you're really gettin'

carried away with this thing.

- Of course. I
mean it's Christmas.

(audience laughing)

(doorbell rings)

- It's snowing, it's snowing.

Annie, Annie we're gonna
have a white Christmas.

- Snow melts mom,
then it turns to slush.

(audience laughing)

- Uh, uh, uh, uh Annie, he
knows when you've been frowning.

(audience laughing)

- It doesn't even feel
like Christmas this year.

The kids aren't gonna be here,

you're gonna be in
Logansport with Emily.

- No I'm not.

- You're not?

- No, well I was going when
I thought she was dying.

Honey I'd be willing to sit

by the poor woman's
deathbed over Christmas,

but I don't think
God insists on it

when all she did was wrench
her back doing aerobics.

(audience laughing)

Annie dear, never hang a happy
wreath with an unhappy hand.

They say it leads to arthritis.

(audience laughing)

- I just... I'm gonna
miss the kids.

- I know, but you've got
your beautiful husband, Sam.

And you've got your
beautiful mother, me.

(audience laughing)

Now trust your mommy, Annie.

We're gonna have
a lovely Christmas.

Isn't that right, my
sweet little baby girl?

(audience laughing)

- Damn right, mom.

(audience laughing)

- Oh never say damn dear,
it's not good for your teeth.

- You're a true character.


- Hello.

- Hello. What's the
matter with you?

- I went shopping.

Now I know why
they call it a mall.

(audience laughing)

- I'm gonna pour us
all some eggnog, okay?

- Oh yeah.
- Okay.


- Oh is that the little
Santa I made in 3rd grade?

- I think so.

- Not my best work.

(audience laughing)

- Oh I wish you and Mark

were going to be
here for Christmas.

- Oh, we are. We
decided to stay.

- Nobody tells me anything.

You're actually gonna be here?

- Well, yeah.

See we were gonna
stay with Mark's mother

because we thought
she was gonna be alone,

but now she's not.

So we canceled
at the last minute.

Is that terrible?

- No.

It's not terrible
at all. (laughing)

I'm thrilled.

- You see Annie?

See darling, now who told you

it was all gonna
turn out alright?

- Uh-huh, you did Mom.

- Yes, and who promised
you a lovely Christmas?

- You did, Mom.

- I know.

And who's always right?

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Hello, Gone Again Travel.

Yes, sir. Flight
to the Holy Land?

Okay. Now who would this be for?

The Three Wise Men.

(audience laughing)

You turdy.

- Did she come back yet?

- Barbara, Sam she's
still out shopping.

What are you doing back here?

- I had an inspiration.

Is there any way that you
can get a small Christmas tree

delivered so it's
in the ship's cabin?

It's the first thing that
Annie sees when we walk in.

- Small Christmas
tree, you got it.

Too bad you don't
care for the lady.

- Maybe some
little blinking lights?

- Little blinking lights, yeah.

You're havin' fun, aren't ya?

- Oh yeah. (laughs)

This is the first Christmas

that I've really
enjoyed in quite a while.

- Wow. Do yourself a
favor, don't go outside.

- Well, what have we here?

- I think it's my son.

- Could you loan
me 50 for Christmas?

- It's him.

(audience laughing)

- What are you doing here?

- I could ask you
the same thing.

- My wife works here, remember?

- Well, you're too late,
she went shopping.

- Could you make that a

hundred? Yeah.
- Hundred.

(audience laughing)

- What are you doing here?

- Well, your fantastic father

is taking your mother-in-law

for a surprise three day
Caribbean Christmas cruise.

- Dad, that's terrific.

- Yeah, it is.

But you know how I
love Christmas surprises.

- Yeah.

- You remember the
year that I gave you

your first baseball mit?

- I've still got it.

- It was an official, authentic,

national league
outfielder's glove.

- I've never forgotten
the look on your face.


- Well, you love Christmas.

- Yeah.

- Oh boy, well
we'll miss you guys.

- You'll be with your mother.

- Oh no, that's off now.

We were gonna go, but
she was gonna be alone,

now she's not, and Dad? (sighs)

- You're not gonna be with her?

- No, we're gonna be here.

- No, you're not.

Uh Max, call the cruise line.

See if you can
get another cabin.

A cheap one.

(audience laughing)

- Dad you're kidding?

- Well you can think of
it as temporary insanity.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Dad, I can't
let you do this.

- Well...
- Yes I can.

(audience laughing)

- What do you got?

- Gimme a second, it's the
height of the season, come on.

You do?

Oh wait a minute.

They got something on C deck.

- Take it.

- Okay.

- Congratulations Mark.

You and Barbara
are gonna be with us

on this Christmas
cruise, if you want to.

- Oh but... (stammering).

- I don't know what he's
saying, but that's the look.

(audience laughing)

- To the left, more to the left.

Now down a little bit.

Down. Now more
to the, back, back.

- Mom, mom, all the blood
is rushing out of my arms.

It is going right here.

- Well alright
dear, I'll fix it later.

(audience laughing)

- [Schneider] Ho, ho, ho.

- That is Schneider, I asked him

to pick us out a
tree at the lodge lot.

- Wait a second, Schneider is
picking out a Christmas tree?

The family always
did that together.

- I know, those were some
of the best fights we ever had.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, this
family doesn't fight.

We discuss.


(audience laughing)

- [Schneider] Ho,
ho, ho, will ya?

(audience laughing)

- Alright, I'm here.

- Hey, I got a tree
for you Miss Romano.


You're gonna love this tree.

These are the Romano's.

Say hello to them.

Hello there, Romano's.

(audience laughing)

- Hello Mr. Tree, and
what's your name?

- My name is
Douglas fir. (laughs)

(audience laughing)

- It's a very nice
tree, Schneider.

- Well, that depends
on your point of view.

(audience laughing)

- Alright, so this
here is it's best side.

- It's its only side.

- This is gonna be
our best Christmas

and we don't want a
tree that has no behind.

(audience laughing)

- Alright, I thought
you was gonna put

it up against the wall
there or somethin'.

I'll take it back.

I'm sorry, Douglas.
You didn't make it.

I failed, I failed.
Burn me. Burn me.

(audience laughing)

- Strange.

- You noticed that, huh?

- Oh, you know I
wish Julie and Max

and the baby were gonna be here.

I don't see why they
had to go to Texas.

- They're going to
be with his parents.

- Well, husbands
shouldn't have parents.

(audience laughing)

I want my family with me.

I mean a grandmother doesn't
have Christmases to burn.

Gee, how do we know this
isn't gonna be my last one?

(audience laughing)

Alright, okay, okay.

But Julie and Max and
the baby should be here.

I'm gonna call a friend of mine,

Mrs. Ritamin, Blanche Ritamin.

She's a nice lady that
has funny little eyes.

(audience laughing)

- She's calling
Julie, isn't she?

- Of course.

Mom insists on a loving,
nostalgic, sentimental Christmas.

And she'll kill to get it.

(audience laughing)

- Blanche? Julie?

Well how did I ever get you?

(audience laughing)

- Did it work yet?
Isn't that strange?


- Well Julie dear, as
long as I have you,

I just wanted to say
that I'm considering

two presents for
you for Christmas.

One big, extravagant
one if you stay here,

and one little tiny bitty
one if you go to Texas.

(audience laughing)

That's wonderful.

She just talked to Max,
and they're not gonna go.

- Oh that's great.

Oh I wanna talk to her.

- Hold on, hold on.

Annie wants to talk to you.

Well now I've gotta go out

and find a big
extravagant present.

(audience laughing)

- So you'll give her a
big extravagant present

and not me?

- Oh, I'm gonna get
everybody a big present.

Oh gosh, you know this is
gonna our best Christmas ever.

- You guys are really
gonna have a great cruise.

- Yeah, and you're gonna
have a great time down in Texas.

- Well, actually
we're not going.

(audience laughing)

See my dad needs
a little minor surgery

and the doctor suggested he
doesn't have any excitement.

So the family's not
gonna go down there,

we're just gonna stay
here and have a nice,

quiet white Christmas at home.

(audience laughing)

- How'd you like a nice,
noisy, wet Christmas?

- Noisy?

- Festive.

- Wet?

- Oceanic.

(audience laughing)
- Us?

- Merry Christmas.

- Ah, Sam thanks.

I accept, man that's wonderful.

- Is that the look?

- That's the look.

- Ah.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Okay I made the bells red,
should I make the sleds green?

- Wait a minute, that's my job.

- I know, but I already started.

- Well I told you that's my job.

- Annie, don't whine.

- But I told her.

(audience laughing)

- Hold it, hold it.

Who's been eating the reindeer?

There was a whole
herd here this morning.

(audience laughing)

- Don't look at me, weigh her.

(audience laughing)

- I just had one.


Okay, two.

Alright, I had 10.

(audience laughing)

- You know, that's what
Christmas is all about,

the family all together.

Stuffing their faces.

- That is good
mom, I'll tell ya.

- Isn't that good? (knocking)

- [Schneider] Ho, ho, ho,
and I'm lettin' myself in.

Hey, huh?

Ah hah.

(audience laughing)

Alright, now let me see
anybody find any fault

with this arborvitae perfecty.

- Arborvitae what?

- Perfecty.

That's botany talk for a
tree that costs a fortune.

But I think I got you
a good deal, alright.

Now, how do you like it?

- Well, it's a tree alright.


- What do you think, Grandma?

- Beats Douglas.

- Not by much.

- Why do you hate it?

- Schneider, it's
been sprayed gold.

- And it smells
like cheap enamel.

(audience laughing)

- Hello, oh merry Christmas.

Well I can only stay a moment.

Oh, my. What a pretty tree.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh. See that?

See they hate it
because it's gold.

- What a strange
reason to hate anything.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider would
you mind getting...

- Alright, okay.
I'll take it back.

I'll get somethin' else.

I wanna tell you people
are very tough on trees.

First Douglas Fir,
now Goldie Hawn.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, Annie. This
is for you and Sam.

If it seems extravagant, it is.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, Francine we made a pact.

No presents this year.

- I thought we both
knew we didn't mean it?

Oh well obviously
one of us meant it.

Well don't be
embarrassed, Annie.

I had the joy of giving, and
you had the joy of receiving.

I'm sure only God will judge us.

(audience laughing)

- Francine what are
you doing for Christmas?

- Oh well I'm going
to be in Vermont.

At this fabulous lodge
a friend of mine owns.

Snow and pines
and a huge fireplace.

And all of his children
from two former marriages.

I can't wait.

(audience laughing)

Oh, I'm late, how like me.


Happy yule, happy yule.

- Well, two days to
Christmas Eve. Deck.

- Deck what?

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly

♪ Fa-La-La-La-La ♪ La-La-La-La

♪ Tis the season
- Merry Christmas

(audience laughing)

- I'm wearing the Santa suit,

so I'm not saying, "Ho, ho, ho."

- Sam you look
absolutely gorgeous.

I mean you look
10 years younger.

- Santa could I
ask you something?

- Proceed my child.

- Where in the world did you
get the goofy looking elves?

(audience laughing)

- I beg your pardon.

We are qualified
trained professionals.

I could revoke your
Christmas at any moment.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

You look adorable, honey.

- That's better. (laughing)

Open that now.

- No, no, no. Wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Shorty, you should
open yours first.

- Well no, we usually open
presents on Christmas morning.

- Open it now.

- Well alright,
I'll open it now.

(wrapping paper crinkles)

Ah, Sam. (audience laughing)

Paper towels.

Cheap paper towels.

- Unroll 'em.

- I'm unrolling.

Okay. Wow.

What's that?

It looks like a ticket.

Tickets to what?

A cruise.

Three day Christmas cruise.

Sam. Oh.

- We're going too?

- Yep.

- Oh honey. (screams)

- Julie and the baby
and I are gonna go too.

- Really?
- Can you believe it?

- Santa thank you.

- You know, we fly
to Miami tomorrow.

By Christmas day we'll
be on the high seas.

- Oh this is going to be
the most special Christmas

that we have ever had.

(audience laughing)

- Christmas cookie, Sam?


No sense of saving
them 'til next year.

(audience laughing)

Annie no. You must go.

All of you must go.

Sam has done a wonderful thing.

- Katherine, I... I
thought you were sitting

up with a dead
friend of something?

(audience laughing)

- Nevertheless, you must go.

I mean how often
do you get a chance

to go on a Christmas cruise?

Well I've had my Christmases.

You know the Indians
do the right thing.

When life is over, they
just find a mountain

and go sit on top and die.

(audience laughing)

- Grandma.

- Sam can I talk
to you for a minute?

Honey, what about Mom?

- I don't know.

Are you real attached to her?

(audience laughing)

- Sam, look. I know that
these tickets cost a fortune,

but if we all go on that cruise,

then Mom's gonna
be here all alone.

Do you think, I mean
is there any possibility

that we can take her with us?

- I think we got the last cabin.

- Look I want this to
work out, I really do,

but if it doesn't and
we have to stay here

and you can hopefully
get your money back.

What I'm saying is,
darling, thank you.

I love you for
even thinking of it.

You please me.


- Excuse me, if
I could just cut in

on lust here for a minute.

(audience laughing)

I have an idea, you know some
of the cabins have wall bunks,

so you can sleep more than two

if you don't mind.
- Call 'em.

- Yeah? Alright. Call 'em.

While I'm still
wearing a santa suit.

I just hope next
year is a good year.

(audience laughing)

- Oh mom you're
gonna go with us.


I mean you're going to have to
share a cabin with somebody,

but we'll figure
that out later, okay.

- Oh thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

Sam, thank you.

- Alright, break out
the beer, Santa's here.

(audience laughing)

I got your real tree, your
Romano a green tree.

I traded with this Larue,
she loved the gold tree.

Hey and presents
for everybody, right?

I'll be here Christmas
morning bright and early,

we'll all open them
up together, huh?

Let's see.

Who's gonna get
the first present here?

Katherine, this is for you.

I even got one for you, Royer.

It's a little t shirt, it says,
"I'd rather be Schneider."

(audience laughing)

- Thank you,
Schneider, thank you.

No, no.

(audience laughing)

No, no.

- Sam.
- Before you even ask,

the answer is no.

I am not taking the
janitor on this cruise.

(audience laughing)

I'm already paying
for three entire families

and one ancestor.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider is
not just the janitor.

He's practically a
part of this family.

Look, I'll pay his way.

- Ann, in case you
haven't noticed,

the man is a pest, he's
stubborn, he tells dumb jokes.

Look at that costume.

(audience laughing)

- Even so, we love him.

- We do.

(audience laughing)

Okay. I'm not gonna
wear his damn t shirt.

(audience laughing)

- Grandma's all set.

- Fine, another one.

- Another one? But
they might not have any?

Oh, I'll try.

- I'm trying.

I'm not a wonderful person,

because even as
I speak, I'm hoping

that there's no
room on the ship.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, what is
all that whispering?

- It's not whispering,
Schneider, it's prayer.

(audience laughing)

- You're not gonna believe this,

they just go a cancellation.

Pretty nice cabin on
B deck, what do I do?

(audience laughing)

- I think this makes
us even, okay?

(audience laughing)

- Schneider?

- Look at this,
is this terrific?

- Yes, it's beautiful.

I am going to say this once.

So I want you to listen, okay?

Sam is taking all of us on a
three day Christmas cruise.

Including you.
Because we love you.

This is merry
Christmas from Sam.

What do you say?

- Uh, you know
Royer, I know you've

had a difficult time
adjusting to me.

Well I'm quick on the
uptake, great sense of humor,

chicks flock to me, you know.

But I mean this is kind of
a gesture for a Christmas.

I mean that's...

- It's okay, Schneider,
really, forget it, it's nothing.

- On the other hand,
I have to tell you,

I do not accept charity.

- Well, I tried.

- So, I'll accept, but you'll
have to let me retaliate

next summer, I'm
gonna see to it,

that you be the head
umpire for the opening game

between my lodge, the
Secret Order of Beavers,

and the Metropolitan Diploaders.

(audience laughing)

- I don't know what
to say, Schneider.

- I know what you
mean, what the hell,

it's Christmas, you know.

(laughing) (knocking)

- Oh Annie, oh
excuse me everybody.

Annie, I gave you
the wrong package.

They are identical,
but the other one

has some very warm
things written on the card.

(audience laughing)

Are they dancing?

(audience laughing)

- No, that's gratitude.

My saintly father is taking all
of us on a Christmas cruise.

- Even me.

- All of you?

Even Schneider?

- Yep.

- Well that's a wonderful
thing to do Sam.

How I envy you.

- Sam could I uh...

- The answer is
no, negative, never.

I am not taking
Francine on this cruise.

Bless you.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I know what the
two of you are talking about

and well, I'm very touched,

but well I couldn't
possibly go with you.

I can't disappoint those kids.

- I just thought of something.

Who's gonna sleep in
the cabin with Schneider?

- Grandma.

- What?

- Well you can't exactly sleep

with Max and Julie
'cause they have the baby.

And you can't sleep
with mom and Sam.

- Because only one
person should sleep

with this Santa Claus.

- And you can't sleep
with Barbara and me

because we're
newlyweds and we're still...

- Now wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Just a minute there.

You think that I'm
gonna sleep in a cabin

with a man who used
to be in the Navy?

(audience laughing)

- Hey I think I have a few
exercises I can option here.


- What?

♪ Deck the halls - Deck

♪ With boughs of
holly ♪ Fa la la la la

♪ La la la la ♪ Tis
the season to be jolly

♪ Fa la la la la ♪ La la la la

(audience applause) ♪
Don we now, our gay apparel

♪ Fa-La-La-La ♪
La-La-La ♪ La-La-La

(upbeat music)