One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 10 - Sam's Apartment - full transcript
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
(telephone ringing)
- Hello? Yes.
Yes, who is this?
Mr. Plotkin.
I'm fine, thank you.
It's nice to hear from you
in the middle of the night.
(audience laughing)
Uh, say that again?
Burglary? You're kidding?
Okay, you're not kidding.
Have you called the police yet?
Fine, I'll meet them there.
I will come, yes, thank you.
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(picture dropping on floor)
(door slamming)
- Sam?
Sam darling, where
are you, are you okay?
Sam?
Sam, who was that on the phone?
Sam?
Sam?
Darling, where are you?
You're not being
playful, are ya Sam?
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
Mom.
- Oh Annie.
- What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing's
the matter with me.
It's you something
is the matter with.
- Me? I'm fine.
I'm sleeping. Was sleeping.
- How can you possibly
sleep at a time like this?
What time is it?
- About three a.m. mom,
sleeping is what I generally do
at three a.m., although I
am open to suggestions.
- Good, good.
Check the apartment.
- Still here, mom.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, no, check for Sam.
- Sam's here, Sam's fine.
- Will you just check?
Oh honey, I just had
one of my premonitions.
It was in the middle of a dream.
A dream premonition.
Or was it a pre-dream
premonition?
Maybe it was a
post-dream premonition.
Anyway, oh Annie,
it was a biggie.
(audience laughing)
I am psychic.
- How come it always
used to rain on our picnics?
- Don't change the subject.
(audience laughing)
Annie, will you just look,
check the apartment please?
Something has happened to Sam.
- Mother.
- Will ya check?
Do ya see him, do ya
see him, do ya see him?
- Mother, mother,
mother, - Will you check?
- Mother, mother, okay.
Okay, - Check
I'm going to check.
- Check.
- But I wanna tell
you something,
I think this is ridiculous.
Sam!
Sam, mom wants to talk to you.
Sam!
He's probably in the bathroom.
Sam? (knocking on door)
Honey?
Sam darling, where are you?
Sam?
Where is he?
- Missing.
He's missing.
- He's not missing,
mom, he's just, not here.
(audience laughing)
- Will you call the police?
- He couldn't sleep, so
he got up and took a walk.
Right.
Mom, what are you looking for?
- Ah, his boots.
(audience laughing)
- His boots.
- Yes.
- It's snowing and he
didn't wear his boots.
Why would he take a walk
at three a.m. in the snow
without his boots?
- He's been kidnapped.
(boots thumping)
Kidnapped!
Ah ha ha. Oh!
But not without a struggle.
- Mother, you are making
me absolutely crazy.
- Suitcases.
- Mom, look, I'm sure that
there is a perfectly good
explanation for all of this.
- Oh thank heaven,
the suitcases are here.
Thank God he hasn't left you.
(audience laughing)
- Now what are you looking for?
- Honey, we need details.
I brought my Tarot cards.
I know they're in
here somewhere.
Where are they?
- Don't ask me,
you're the psychic.
(audience laughing)
- Ah ha.
- Just a fluke.
(audience laughing)
Sam!
- Dwayne.
- I could have told you that.
- Look, how many times
do we have to tell ya
not to use your key, and
what are you doing here
in the middle of the...
Wait a minute, don't tell me.
Mother called you
to check - to check on Sam.
- Boy and it certainly took
ya long enough to get here.
- If ya don't mind, I had to
say goodnight to somebody.
I don't normally
wear this outfit
when I'm cleaning my boiler.
- You look very nice.
- Thank you, I got it over
at a swap meet tonight.
(audience laughing)
So anyway, where is he?
- Don't know.
- He's been kidnapped!
- Why? How much
can they get for him?
(audience laughing)
- What are you doing?
- I'm getting a notepad
so I can make some notes.
Alright, I'm gonna find
your little lover boy for ya,
just give me the facts.
- Don't have any facts,
Schneider, he's just vanished.
- Don't tell me there's no
facts, of course there's facts.
Fact number one:
you didn't have a big
fight because if you did
Miss Peterson upstairs
would've told me about it.
(audience laughing)
- You know, she is
really a busybody.
- She's a shut-in Ms. Romano.
You're all she has.
(audience laughing)
Ah ha ha ha ha.
- A hanger?
- Wrong.
To the trained eye,
this is an empty hanger.
(audience laughing)
- His trench coat is gone.
- Oh, I had better get
the hot chocolate ready.
Barbara will be
here any minute now.
- Say it isn't so, mom.
Say ya didn't call Barbara
in the middle of the night
and ask her to check up on me.
- Yes, I did, and you
will thank me later.
- Ah ha!
- Yeah, we know,
he forgot his boots.
- Are these his boots?
- Yeah, those are his boots.
(chuckling)
- Well he forgot 'em.
(audience laughing)
Alright, my investigation is
gonna move up to high gear now.
I promise ya, I'll
get back to ya.
- Wait.
Wait, wait a minute.
I know where
he is, this is silly.
Of course.
He is at his office, it's
so crowded during the day
sometimes in the
middle of the night,
he gets an inspiration.
- Don't we all.
(audience laughing)
- Ah ha!
The riderless horse.
- What, we gotta
look for a jockey now?
(audience laughing)
- He's not there.
Where is he?
- So we got this call from
your super, Mr. Plotky.
- Plotkin.
- Right.
Says he caught this guy
breaking in to your apartment.
- Sam, I tried to explain
it to Plotkin, he locked me
in the bathroom.
- My friends usually
use the front door,
not the fire escape.
- Then these guys come
in, they put the cuffs on me,
they make me sit on the floor.
I had no dignity whatsoever,
you gotta see the marks
on my wrist.
- Hey, you're
breaking and entering.
- Yeah, but you don't
understand, Julie and I
had a big fight, I was desperate,
I had to come somewhere.
- Max, I don't think
they care about that.
Look, everything seems
to be under control,
there's no real harm done.
- As long as you're
not pressing charges.
- No harm done, Sam,
you gotta see my wrists!
- I'm sorry about that.
- Huh, glad you didn't shoot me.
- Me too, you wouldn't
believe the paperwork.
(audience laughing)
- Thanks a lot.
Well, you want some hot
chocolate for those wrists?
- I'm sorry, Sam, Julie
and I had a big fight.
- Yeah, so I heard.
(water flowing)
- This one was a real screamer.
You gotta know Julie.
- It's okay, I know the mother.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know, Sam,
we just can't seem to talk
without fighting these days.
So, when it reached
110 decibels, I walked.
- What made you walk over here?
- Well, I knew I wasn't
going back to the house
until I cooled off.
- Shouldn't be too
hard on a night like this.
(audience laughing)
- Anyway, I remembered
that Mark told us
you kept your apartment.
So it was either sleep
here or in the park.
Did you know that your
bedroom furniture is gone?
- Yeah, I got rid of it so
that friends would stop
borrowing my apartment.
(audience laughing)
- Gotta have this
place burglar-proofed.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, I hope I didn't blow
your little secret with Ann.
- Ah, no, she didn't
even wake up.
- Oh?
- I'm gonna tell her, of
course, she'll understand.
- Sure, what wife
wouldn't understand
a husband's secret place.
(audience laughing)
- It's not exactly
a secret place.
- But you haven't
told her about it yet?
- No.
- When are you
gonna tell her about it?
- When she's ready.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- Look, I don't think there's
anything to worry about.
Sam's a big boy, he
can take care of himself.
Right Mark?
Mark?
- Oh yes, yes, right. Yeah.
Oh Annie, come
on, stop worrying.
You know dad, he can't
sleep, he goes for a walk.
Mom used to call
him the night stalker.
- He's never gone out
before without telling me.
- I told you not to
feed him your lasagna.
(audience laughing)
- Did you guys have a fight?
- No, we didn't have a fight.
- Hello, police?
My son-in-law has
been kidnapped.
Well, no officer, but
see I had a premonition
and now he's missing.
Sam Royer.
Handsome, successful.
Great big Cocker Spaniel eyes.
A premonition.
What?
Nine a.m., officer we
can't wait that long.
Well, alright.
But my premonitions
are always right.
He has to be missing
at least six hours.
- Something has happened.
Otherwise he'd call.
Unless he's been injured.
No, no that's silly, right?
'Cause then the
hospital would call.
Unless he can't
tell them his name.
But then, they would
check his wallet and call me.
Unless the wallet has been
burned beyond recognition.
(audience laughing)
- Mother, please, stop it.
- I just can't figure
out why he doesn't call.
- How could he, the
phone's always busy.
- Mom, I'm sure everything's
fine, wherever Sam is,
I'm sure he's okay.
- Sweetheart, he could
be needing me right now,
and I'm not there
to tell him, I'm here.
- Mark, he's your father,
where could he be?
- I don't know, did you
try his old apartment?
- Old apartment?
- What old apartment?
- [Audience] Uh oh.
(audience laughing)
- Did I say old apartment?
- He means the one that Sam
had before you two got married.
- I don't understand, he gave
that up when we got married.
Didn't he?
- You tell her, he's
your dumb father.
(audience laughing)
- Uh, he kept it.
- Let me see if I
understand this, okay?
Your father kept
his old apartment.
Why did he keep it?
- I'm not exactly sure myself.
If I had to make a guess, I'd
- Ugh, same phone number, Mark?
- Uh, well, yes.
- Annie, Annie, don't be hasty.
Darling, a good man is hard
to find and until you find one,
- I'm not being hasty, mother.
- Yes, but it took you
eight years to find this one,
even with the whole
family helping you look!
(audience laughing)
- [Sam] Hello?
Hello?
- He's there.
And he's safe.
That miserable,
And you knew this all
along and didn't tell me?
- Mom, I'm sorry, I didn't
want to know but Mark told me,
and then he swore me to
secrecy so I couldn't tell you
and Max and Julie thought it
- Max and Julie know, too?
- Well, you see, I was
on the phone to them, and
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, no problem, really.
I appreciate your telling
me this, I do, really, I do.
And now that I know
that Sam is alive, and well,
and in one piece and at
his old apartment, I'll kill him.
(audience laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Gonna get that?
- I'm not gonna get it,
it might be Julie.
(phone ringing)
- You afraid of Julie?
(phone ringing)
- No. You afraid of Ann?
(water flowing)
- No. (phone ringing)
- Why don't you get it, then?
(phone ringing)
- Because you're closer.
(audience laughing)
- I am not gonna
touch it. (phone ringing)
- Max, this is ridiculous.
(phone ringing)
- Hey, it's your phone.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Ann, is that you, sweetheart?
- Yes, sweetheart.
Stay right there. Don't move.
(phone slamming)
(audience laughing)
- Annie, let him talk first!
- That's a good tactic,
Annie, listen to your mother.
- There's probably a
perfectly good explanation.
- [Ann] Yeah, like he
never made a commitment
to our marriage.
- But honey, there
must be other reasons.
- Yeah, he probably
uses it as an office.
- Oh right, a lot of
men need two offices.
- But Annie darling, there's
a lot of other possibilities.
Annie, he could
have a secret life.
(audience laughing)
Or else, maybe he has amnesia.
Or he could be a
member of the CIA.
Or he has a split personality.
- The CIA thing works for me.
- What really gets me
is that you knew about it.
(chest whacking)
- Ow!
- Mom, I'm sorry that we
didn't tell you, but we couldn't
tell you, we felt that
we should stay out of it
because we shouldn't
be involved in something
that is obviously a
private marital affair.
Maybe I should rephrase that.
- We couldn't tell you, Annie,
because then we'd have
to tell dad that we told you,
and then where would
the whole thing lead?
- Probably with me trudging out
in the wee small hours of
a cold, wintry, snowy night,
to visit my husband at his pad.
(audience laughing)
- Annie! Annie
you took my purse!
- What is so terrible about
a guy keeping his apartment
after he's married?
(doorbell ringing)
And another thing, what
is so terrible about a guy
keeping his apartment
after he's married?
I bet a lot of men have done it.
- Sam, look, I...
- I know, just because
a man gets married,
that doesn't mean
that occasionally
he doesn't want to go
someplace just to be alone,
just for a few private
moments to think things over,
to work things out.
- Sam, look, I
really think - I know, I know
I shouldn't have kept
it a secret from you,
it wasn't my plan, believe me,
I planned to give the place up.
I had called the movers, I
had everything all packed,
they came over, and they
moved the bedroom furniture out,
and I just, I couldn't do it.
I don't know why I expected
you to understand anyway,
I don't even know why I'm
trying to explain this to you.
- 'Cause if it's important
enough for you to keep
this apartment, it's important
enough for me to understand.
- What?
- I think you heard me.
- Well, all the same,
I'd like to hear it again.
(audience laughing)
- Look, I counted to 10
coming over here in the car,
counted to 10 again
coming up in the elevator,
counted to 10 standing
outside your door,
I heard some mumbling
inside, so I counted to 10 again,
so altogether I've
counted up to 50.
- No, I think that's 40.
- 50.
- No, 10 in the car, 10 in
the elevator, 20 at the door,
- Seven, eight, nine, 10.
- Now you have counted to 50.
(audience laughing)
- After all of that
counting, I really feel
that I can step back and
we can have a reasonable,
rational conversation, okay?
- Okay.
- I know you love me.
So you must have a pretty
damn good reason for keeping this
apartment, am I
suffocating you, Sam?
- No.
- Do I claim every
moment of your time?
- No.
- Is our marriage too total
a commitment for you?
- No.
- Does it mean the end of
all independence to you?
- Well, that's not exactly it.
- What exactly is it?
- None of those things.
It's like having a piece of
yourself, just for yourself.
- Like the corner of my alcove.
Before I had my office, I
reserved a corner of my alcove
where I could shut out
the world and the girls.
- Yes, that's it.
- Between the breakfast
dishes and the morning mail,
it was off limits to everybody.
- Then you know.
- I know.
I understand.
What I don't understand
is why you kept it a secret.
- Good question.
- What's the good answer?
- I'm working on it.
(audience laughing)
I didn't intend to
keep it a secret.
Suddenly, four months had
gone by, and it was too late!
I did not think that there was
a woman anywhere on the face
of the earth, that
would understand
why a man would keep
his old bachelor apartment.
No matter how wonderful she was.
What more can I say?
(audience laughing)
- You've gotta keep
this place, Sam.
- No.
- [Ann] What are you doing?
- Well, if I pack everything
up now, I can have the movers
come in tomorrow.
- Oh Sam, come on, it's
the middle of the night.
- I can do it now, I'm not
sure I can do it tomorrow.
- I don't want you
to do it at all, Sam.
- Well, I want to do it.
- Look at that.
- Oh, you remember him?
- I sure do.
That was some vacation.
I'm still peeling.
Sam.
We have to consider
this very carefully.
I do not want you underfoot
when you want to
be someplace else.
- Well, it's not as though I
really wanna be somewhere else,
Ann.
(audience laughing)
- No, I mean, you're
giving up this apartment
because you think I want
you to give us this apartment.
- No, I am giving
up this apartment
because I want to give it up.
- You need an alcove, Sam.
Everybody needs an alcove.
- Ann, you're right
I need an alcove,
I'll keep the apartment.
You talked me into it.
(audience laughing)
- Good.
I really am glad.
Makes me feel good.
- Thanks.
- Everybody needs to
have a place of solitude.
- I will never come
here without telling you.
- Thanks.
- Just one place where I can
go to get away from everything.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(jazzy music)
♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
(telephone ringing)
- Hello? Yes.
Yes, who is this?
Mr. Plotkin.
I'm fine, thank you.
It's nice to hear from you
in the middle of the night.
(audience laughing)
Uh, say that again?
Burglary? You're kidding?
Okay, you're not kidding.
Have you called the police yet?
Fine, I'll meet them there.
I will come, yes, thank you.
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(picture dropping on floor)
(door slamming)
- Sam?
Sam darling, where
are you, are you okay?
Sam?
Sam, who was that on the phone?
Sam?
Sam?
Darling, where are you?
You're not being
playful, are ya Sam?
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
Mom.
- Oh Annie.
- What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing's
the matter with me.
It's you something
is the matter with.
- Me? I'm fine.
I'm sleeping. Was sleeping.
- How can you possibly
sleep at a time like this?
What time is it?
- About three a.m. mom,
sleeping is what I generally do
at three a.m., although I
am open to suggestions.
- Good, good.
Check the apartment.
- Still here, mom.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, no, check for Sam.
- Sam's here, Sam's fine.
- Will you just check?
Oh honey, I just had
one of my premonitions.
It was in the middle of a dream.
A dream premonition.
Or was it a pre-dream
premonition?
Maybe it was a
post-dream premonition.
Anyway, oh Annie,
it was a biggie.
(audience laughing)
I am psychic.
- How come it always
used to rain on our picnics?
- Don't change the subject.
(audience laughing)
Annie, will you just look,
check the apartment please?
Something has happened to Sam.
- Mother.
- Will ya check?
Do ya see him, do ya
see him, do ya see him?
- Mother, mother,
mother, - Will you check?
- Mother, mother, okay.
Okay, - Check
I'm going to check.
- Check.
- But I wanna tell
you something,
I think this is ridiculous.
Sam!
Sam, mom wants to talk to you.
Sam!
He's probably in the bathroom.
Sam? (knocking on door)
Honey?
Sam darling, where are you?
Sam?
Where is he?
- Missing.
He's missing.
- He's not missing,
mom, he's just, not here.
(audience laughing)
- Will you call the police?
- He couldn't sleep, so
he got up and took a walk.
Right.
Mom, what are you looking for?
- Ah, his boots.
(audience laughing)
- His boots.
- Yes.
- It's snowing and he
didn't wear his boots.
Why would he take a walk
at three a.m. in the snow
without his boots?
- He's been kidnapped.
(boots thumping)
Kidnapped!
Ah ha ha. Oh!
But not without a struggle.
- Mother, you are making
me absolutely crazy.
- Suitcases.
- Mom, look, I'm sure that
there is a perfectly good
explanation for all of this.
- Oh thank heaven,
the suitcases are here.
Thank God he hasn't left you.
(audience laughing)
- Now what are you looking for?
- Honey, we need details.
I brought my Tarot cards.
I know they're in
here somewhere.
Where are they?
- Don't ask me,
you're the psychic.
(audience laughing)
- Ah ha.
- Just a fluke.
(audience laughing)
Sam!
- Dwayne.
- I could have told you that.
- Look, how many times
do we have to tell ya
not to use your key, and
what are you doing here
in the middle of the...
Wait a minute, don't tell me.
Mother called you
to check - to check on Sam.
- Boy and it certainly took
ya long enough to get here.
- If ya don't mind, I had to
say goodnight to somebody.
I don't normally
wear this outfit
when I'm cleaning my boiler.
- You look very nice.
- Thank you, I got it over
at a swap meet tonight.
(audience laughing)
So anyway, where is he?
- Don't know.
- He's been kidnapped!
- Why? How much
can they get for him?
(audience laughing)
- What are you doing?
- I'm getting a notepad
so I can make some notes.
Alright, I'm gonna find
your little lover boy for ya,
just give me the facts.
- Don't have any facts,
Schneider, he's just vanished.
- Don't tell me there's no
facts, of course there's facts.
Fact number one:
you didn't have a big
fight because if you did
Miss Peterson upstairs
would've told me about it.
(audience laughing)
- You know, she is
really a busybody.
- She's a shut-in Ms. Romano.
You're all she has.
(audience laughing)
Ah ha ha ha ha.
- A hanger?
- Wrong.
To the trained eye,
this is an empty hanger.
(audience laughing)
- His trench coat is gone.
- Oh, I had better get
the hot chocolate ready.
Barbara will be
here any minute now.
- Say it isn't so, mom.
Say ya didn't call Barbara
in the middle of the night
and ask her to check up on me.
- Yes, I did, and you
will thank me later.
- Ah ha!
- Yeah, we know,
he forgot his boots.
- Are these his boots?
- Yeah, those are his boots.
(chuckling)
- Well he forgot 'em.
(audience laughing)
Alright, my investigation is
gonna move up to high gear now.
I promise ya, I'll
get back to ya.
- Wait.
Wait, wait a minute.
I know where
he is, this is silly.
Of course.
He is at his office, it's
so crowded during the day
sometimes in the
middle of the night,
he gets an inspiration.
- Don't we all.
(audience laughing)
- Ah ha!
The riderless horse.
- What, we gotta
look for a jockey now?
(audience laughing)
- He's not there.
Where is he?
- So we got this call from
your super, Mr. Plotky.
- Plotkin.
- Right.
Says he caught this guy
breaking in to your apartment.
- Sam, I tried to explain
it to Plotkin, he locked me
in the bathroom.
- My friends usually
use the front door,
not the fire escape.
- Then these guys come
in, they put the cuffs on me,
they make me sit on the floor.
I had no dignity whatsoever,
you gotta see the marks
on my wrist.
- Hey, you're
breaking and entering.
- Yeah, but you don't
understand, Julie and I
had a big fight, I was desperate,
I had to come somewhere.
- Max, I don't think
they care about that.
Look, everything seems
to be under control,
there's no real harm done.
- As long as you're
not pressing charges.
- No harm done, Sam,
you gotta see my wrists!
- I'm sorry about that.
- Huh, glad you didn't shoot me.
- Me too, you wouldn't
believe the paperwork.
(audience laughing)
- Thanks a lot.
Well, you want some hot
chocolate for those wrists?
- I'm sorry, Sam, Julie
and I had a big fight.
- Yeah, so I heard.
(water flowing)
- This one was a real screamer.
You gotta know Julie.
- It's okay, I know the mother.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know, Sam,
we just can't seem to talk
without fighting these days.
So, when it reached
110 decibels, I walked.
- What made you walk over here?
- Well, I knew I wasn't
going back to the house
until I cooled off.
- Shouldn't be too
hard on a night like this.
(audience laughing)
- Anyway, I remembered
that Mark told us
you kept your apartment.
So it was either sleep
here or in the park.
Did you know that your
bedroom furniture is gone?
- Yeah, I got rid of it so
that friends would stop
borrowing my apartment.
(audience laughing)
- Gotta have this
place burglar-proofed.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, I hope I didn't blow
your little secret with Ann.
- Ah, no, she didn't
even wake up.
- Oh?
- I'm gonna tell her, of
course, she'll understand.
- Sure, what wife
wouldn't understand
a husband's secret place.
(audience laughing)
- It's not exactly
a secret place.
- But you haven't
told her about it yet?
- No.
- When are you
gonna tell her about it?
- When she's ready.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- Look, I don't think there's
anything to worry about.
Sam's a big boy, he
can take care of himself.
Right Mark?
Mark?
- Oh yes, yes, right. Yeah.
Oh Annie, come
on, stop worrying.
You know dad, he can't
sleep, he goes for a walk.
Mom used to call
him the night stalker.
- He's never gone out
before without telling me.
- I told you not to
feed him your lasagna.
(audience laughing)
- Did you guys have a fight?
- No, we didn't have a fight.
- Hello, police?
My son-in-law has
been kidnapped.
Well, no officer, but
see I had a premonition
and now he's missing.
Sam Royer.
Handsome, successful.
Great big Cocker Spaniel eyes.
A premonition.
What?
Nine a.m., officer we
can't wait that long.
Well, alright.
But my premonitions
are always right.
He has to be missing
at least six hours.
- Something has happened.
Otherwise he'd call.
Unless he's been injured.
No, no that's silly, right?
'Cause then the
hospital would call.
Unless he can't
tell them his name.
But then, they would
check his wallet and call me.
Unless the wallet has been
burned beyond recognition.
(audience laughing)
- Mother, please, stop it.
- I just can't figure
out why he doesn't call.
- How could he, the
phone's always busy.
- Mom, I'm sure everything's
fine, wherever Sam is,
I'm sure he's okay.
- Sweetheart, he could
be needing me right now,
and I'm not there
to tell him, I'm here.
- Mark, he's your father,
where could he be?
- I don't know, did you
try his old apartment?
- Old apartment?
- What old apartment?
- [Audience] Uh oh.
(audience laughing)
- Did I say old apartment?
- He means the one that Sam
had before you two got married.
- I don't understand, he gave
that up when we got married.
Didn't he?
- You tell her, he's
your dumb father.
(audience laughing)
- Uh, he kept it.
- Let me see if I
understand this, okay?
Your father kept
his old apartment.
Why did he keep it?
- I'm not exactly sure myself.
If I had to make a guess, I'd
- Ugh, same phone number, Mark?
- Uh, well, yes.
- Annie, Annie, don't be hasty.
Darling, a good man is hard
to find and until you find one,
- I'm not being hasty, mother.
- Yes, but it took you
eight years to find this one,
even with the whole
family helping you look!
(audience laughing)
- [Sam] Hello?
Hello?
- He's there.
And he's safe.
That miserable,
And you knew this all
along and didn't tell me?
- Mom, I'm sorry, I didn't
want to know but Mark told me,
and then he swore me to
secrecy so I couldn't tell you
and Max and Julie thought it
- Max and Julie know, too?
- Well, you see, I was
on the phone to them, and
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, no problem, really.
I appreciate your telling
me this, I do, really, I do.
And now that I know
that Sam is alive, and well,
and in one piece and at
his old apartment, I'll kill him.
(audience laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Gonna get that?
- I'm not gonna get it,
it might be Julie.
(phone ringing)
- You afraid of Julie?
(phone ringing)
- No. You afraid of Ann?
(water flowing)
- No. (phone ringing)
- Why don't you get it, then?
(phone ringing)
- Because you're closer.
(audience laughing)
- I am not gonna
touch it. (phone ringing)
- Max, this is ridiculous.
(phone ringing)
- Hey, it's your phone.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Ann, is that you, sweetheart?
- Yes, sweetheart.
Stay right there. Don't move.
(phone slamming)
(audience laughing)
- Annie, let him talk first!
- That's a good tactic,
Annie, listen to your mother.
- There's probably a
perfectly good explanation.
- [Ann] Yeah, like he
never made a commitment
to our marriage.
- But honey, there
must be other reasons.
- Yeah, he probably
uses it as an office.
- Oh right, a lot of
men need two offices.
- But Annie darling, there's
a lot of other possibilities.
Annie, he could
have a secret life.
(audience laughing)
Or else, maybe he has amnesia.
Or he could be a
member of the CIA.
Or he has a split personality.
- The CIA thing works for me.
- What really gets me
is that you knew about it.
(chest whacking)
- Ow!
- Mom, I'm sorry that we
didn't tell you, but we couldn't
tell you, we felt that
we should stay out of it
because we shouldn't
be involved in something
that is obviously a
private marital affair.
Maybe I should rephrase that.
- We couldn't tell you, Annie,
because then we'd have
to tell dad that we told you,
and then where would
the whole thing lead?
- Probably with me trudging out
in the wee small hours of
a cold, wintry, snowy night,
to visit my husband at his pad.
(audience laughing)
- Annie! Annie
you took my purse!
- What is so terrible about
a guy keeping his apartment
after he's married?
(doorbell ringing)
And another thing, what
is so terrible about a guy
keeping his apartment
after he's married?
I bet a lot of men have done it.
- Sam, look, I...
- I know, just because
a man gets married,
that doesn't mean
that occasionally
he doesn't want to go
someplace just to be alone,
just for a few private
moments to think things over,
to work things out.
- Sam, look, I
really think - I know, I know
I shouldn't have kept
it a secret from you,
it wasn't my plan, believe me,
I planned to give the place up.
I had called the movers, I
had everything all packed,
they came over, and they
moved the bedroom furniture out,
and I just, I couldn't do it.
I don't know why I expected
you to understand anyway,
I don't even know why I'm
trying to explain this to you.
- 'Cause if it's important
enough for you to keep
this apartment, it's important
enough for me to understand.
- What?
- I think you heard me.
- Well, all the same,
I'd like to hear it again.
(audience laughing)
- Look, I counted to 10
coming over here in the car,
counted to 10 again
coming up in the elevator,
counted to 10 standing
outside your door,
I heard some mumbling
inside, so I counted to 10 again,
so altogether I've
counted up to 50.
- No, I think that's 40.
- 50.
- No, 10 in the car, 10 in
the elevator, 20 at the door,
- Seven, eight, nine, 10.
- Now you have counted to 50.
(audience laughing)
- After all of that
counting, I really feel
that I can step back and
we can have a reasonable,
rational conversation, okay?
- Okay.
- I know you love me.
So you must have a pretty
damn good reason for keeping this
apartment, am I
suffocating you, Sam?
- No.
- Do I claim every
moment of your time?
- No.
- Is our marriage too total
a commitment for you?
- No.
- Does it mean the end of
all independence to you?
- Well, that's not exactly it.
- What exactly is it?
- None of those things.
It's like having a piece of
yourself, just for yourself.
- Like the corner of my alcove.
Before I had my office, I
reserved a corner of my alcove
where I could shut out
the world and the girls.
- Yes, that's it.
- Between the breakfast
dishes and the morning mail,
it was off limits to everybody.
- Then you know.
- I know.
I understand.
What I don't understand
is why you kept it a secret.
- Good question.
- What's the good answer?
- I'm working on it.
(audience laughing)
I didn't intend to
keep it a secret.
Suddenly, four months had
gone by, and it was too late!
I did not think that there was
a woman anywhere on the face
of the earth, that
would understand
why a man would keep
his old bachelor apartment.
No matter how wonderful she was.
What more can I say?
(audience laughing)
- You've gotta keep
this place, Sam.
- No.
- [Ann] What are you doing?
- Well, if I pack everything
up now, I can have the movers
come in tomorrow.
- Oh Sam, come on, it's
the middle of the night.
- I can do it now, I'm not
sure I can do it tomorrow.
- I don't want you
to do it at all, Sam.
- Well, I want to do it.
- Look at that.
- Oh, you remember him?
- I sure do.
That was some vacation.
I'm still peeling.
Sam.
We have to consider
this very carefully.
I do not want you underfoot
when you want to
be someplace else.
- Well, it's not as though I
really wanna be somewhere else,
Ann.
(audience laughing)
- No, I mean, you're
giving up this apartment
because you think I want
you to give us this apartment.
- No, I am giving
up this apartment
because I want to give it up.
- You need an alcove, Sam.
Everybody needs an alcove.
- Ann, you're right
I need an alcove,
I'll keep the apartment.
You talked me into it.
(audience laughing)
- Good.
I really am glad.
Makes me feel good.
- Thanks.
- Everybody needs to
have a place of solitude.
- I will never come
here without telling you.
- Thanks.
- Just one place where I can
go to get away from everything.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(jazzy music)