One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 6 - Baby Love: Part 1 - full transcript

A weekend watching little Annie for Max and Julie has Barbara longing to have her own baby, and she begins considering the option of adoption.

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This if life the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ And keep on doin' what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry now

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a time

- You know, this
may sound crazy,

but I actually enjoy
folding diapers.

- I know what you mean.

There's a certain
peace that comes from

doing simple manual chores.

I find serenity in diapers.

- Guys, guys!

- Diapers, diapers, diapers!

- Throw down those diapers,
I just got this great telegram.

- I don't want to, I don't
want to hear a telegram.

Telegrams are always bad news.

- [Max] Well not this, this
is a wonderful telegram.

- You know, Grandpa
got a telegram once

that said his aunt died and
left everything to the cat.

- That's nice but this is a
different kind of telegram.

- No no.

And then there was the
one where my cousin ran off

with the Amway salesman.

I mean, oh.

- I'm really sorry to hear that,

if you just let me read this.

- No no, I don't want to
hear, I don't want to hear.

- But it's really,
you don't even...

- I don't want to hear!

They're bad news, bad news.

I mean they're always
bad news bad news.

- It's from Julie.

- So read it.

- Well okay.
- Okay.

- From Mrs. Julie Horvath,

Burkem Management
Training Institute,

Cleveland Ohio.

- Wait wait wait wait.

You want to tell my why
Julie needs two weeks

of management training
to make holes in donuts?

- She won't be making
holes in donuts anymore.

She's gonna be managing
people who make holes in donuts.

- Okay.
- All right.

Dear Max.

- Is he finished yet?

- Nah, he just started.

- Oh, I don't want
to hear bad news.

(audience laughing)

- Dear Max, have cabin.

Lake Erie, romantic weekend.

You, me, family gets Annie.

I love.

- I love what?

- She loves me.

You only get 15 words.

(audience laughing)

You know what this means?

This means I have a free
weekend in a rustic cabin

on a rustic lake
with the rustic fish,

just Julie and I.

We haven't been away
alone since Annie was born.

- What are you going
to do with Annie?

- Grandma will take her!

- Well how do you now,
you haven't even asked her?

I mean she might
not even be available.

- Oh, grandmas
are always available.

It's in the oath!

(audience laughing)

- Oh boy.

A weekend away
sure would be nice.

- Well I don't know.

A weekend alone together
here could be nicer.

Consider the possibilities.

You and I alone doing
devilish things in odd places.

(audience laughing)

That's why I have
an old house like this,

so that you can find odd
places to do devilish things.

- Really.

- Like in the
pantry, for instance.


(audience laughing)

- We don't have a pantry.

- How about the vestibule?

- No vestibule.

- What kind of
old house is this?

- It's an old house
with an attic.


- Boy, okay!

This is gonna be so much fun!

- Yeah, ha ha ha.

- Yeah.

I mean I get to have little
Annie for a whole week

all to myself for
the very first time.

Let's see now,
we'll bake cookies

and we'll crochet.

- Sounds terrific.

- Yeah.

Listen should I take
her to my place?

- Yes.

- Okay, okay!

Well then I'm
gonna need her crib,

and her playpen and her toys.

I'll need her
highchair, her clothes,

and I need all of her diapers.

- Gee Grandma, wouldn't be
easier if you just stayed here?

- Okay! (giggling)

Then I'm gonna
need my bath salts

and my plywood board for my bed.

And my crock pot.

- I have an idea.

Why doesn't Max just take
Annie to the cabin with him?

- Mark.

There are woods up there.

She might get stolen
and raised by raccoons.

(audience laughing)

- You know, I have a very
simple solution to all of this.

Why doesn't Annie
just stay here with me?

- Barbara, the attic.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, yeah.

You'd be good.

- But but but, but
what about me?

A great grandmother,
God's most beloved creation.

- Yeah, yeah you'd be good.

- Good?

I'd be perfect.

- Grandma, look Max,
I really wouldn't mind

taking care of Annie
for the weekend.

I think it'd be fun.

- I don't believe this.

- Neither do I.

- The baby should be with me.

I'm reliable.

- Well so am I.

- But I'm responsible.

- So am I.

- I'm old.

(audience laughing)


Okay okay, then
it's all settled.

Let's see, we'll
get Mark's truck

to move all my stuff over here.

And then I'll cancel
my hair appointment

and I'll cancel my Canasta.

Oh, boy boy, I'm doing it again.

(groans) Your grandfather
always used to say to me,

"Katherine you are
a pushy old bird."

And he was right.

Oh honey, you'd really enjoy

taking care of little
Annie, wouldn't you?

- Yeah.

- And I suppose it'd be
good experience for you.

You know I'm not
always going to be here.

There's comes a time when you,

when you have to pass the torch.

Or in this case, the talcum.

(audience laughing)

Yeah, it's better for you to
just get some good experience.

Yeah, okay.

You're gonna be fine.

She'll be fine.


I'll be by the phone.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, let's see.

Obviously Annie
needs a lot of care,

constant attention.

- And she will get it Max.

- All right, good.

Let me run down
her cries for you.

There's her hungry cry (cries),

and there's her
tired cry (cries),

and there's her I need
changing cry (wails).

- What about her
save the whales cry?

(imitates horn)


- Now, her tired cry is
softer than her hungry cry

but it's louder than
her changing cry.

- Max, Max.

- Of course if she's tired
and hungry, you gotta...

- Max!

- I'll write it down, okay?

- Okay, great. (laughs)

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

What am I saying this is
gonna be a lot of responsibility.

I'm gonna have to watch her.

I'm gonna have
to take care of her.

I'm gonna have to entertain her.

What if she thinks I'm dull?


Look Annie, right here we
have a picture of the oval office

right here, and this is a
picture of the president.

Who is smiling and pretending
that he likes the labor leader

who is smiling and pretending
that he likes the president.

This is what we call diplomacy.

(doorbell rings)

Why don't I get that?

One second, you
wait right her for me

and I'll be right back, okay?

Wait for me.

Oh, you're so cute.

- First of all, let me apologize

for just dropping in on you.

- Yeah, we don't want you
to think we had some silly

idea about checking up on you.

- Right.

Julie called and asked
me to kind of look in on you.

- Look in.

Not check up.

- Right.

- Right. (laughs)

- And then she called me
and asked me to look in

on your mother who's
gonna be looking in on you.

- I'm surprised she
didn't call Schneider.

- Oh he couldn't make it.


Oh boy I need a hug!

- Oh!

- Oh.

- Yes, oh your mommy and daddy
must be missing you so much.

- Mama.

- Yes, mommy's girl, yes.

- Well Julie called
about an hour ago

and sang the alphabet
song and quacked like a duck.

- Oh Annie try to
be understanding.

- Who wants lunch?

- Me.

- Mom, I told
you, we'll eat later.

- Oh yeah, okay.

- Right now I'm going
to make my niece

something wonderful.

- What?

- Like say how
about some chicken?



Or how about some
hamburger? (mooing)

No, okay.

How about some turkey?

Now what does the turkey do?

The turkey goes
gobble gobble gobble.

- Gobble gobble gobble.
- Gobble gobble gobble.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, turkey it
is, and with that

you can get some yummy beets.

- Don't believe her
about the beets.

- [Barbara] Mom.

- I'm a grandmother
now I've changed sides.

- Oh good girl. (laughing)

- I'll help ya honey.

- You know what sweetheart?

You know what?

I taught your grandmother
how to gobble.

Yeah, but I do it best.

- You know, I wish Julie
would stop worrying.

Annie and I are doing just fine.

- She knows that.

There's just something
about being away.

I remember the first
time that I left you girls.

Your father and I
were going to New York

for an entire week.

We missed you so much,
that we came back without

even seeing the
Empire State building.

You nonchalantly waved hello

and then went directly
back to your mud pies.

- Mud pies?

- Mm-hmm.

- I made mud pies?

That's so cute.

- Sweetheart, you're missing
the whole point of the story.

The point is I was a
terrifically concerned mother

and you were a rotten
and insensitive kid.

(audience laughing)

- I'm sorry.

Thank you for coming back early.

- You're welcome.


You think Annie's gonna
hate me 'cause I can't knit?

- What?

- Well all grandmothers
are supposed to knit.

- Well that's okay they're
supposed to cook too.

(audience laughing)

You know little Annie's
just absolutely crazy about

that new toy I brought her.

- Another toy?

- You brought a toy?

- [Katherine] Yeah.

- I didn't see you
smuggle in a toy, mom.

- Oh you're gonna approve,
it's a Sandra Day O'Connor doll.

- I approve.

Hey honey, how about mom and I

take Annie off your
hands for the day.

- Oh sure, sure you
must have better things

to do with your Saturday than
being cooped up in the house.

- Well no, we're not
gonna be cooped up.

Annie's all dressed
to go to the museum.

She's never seen a Rembrandt.

- The first time I took
your mother to a museum

she just fell in love
with the statues.

Oh, you know she was so
fascinated by the Buddha

she left her jelly bean
in his belly button.

(audience laughing)

Oh I remember thinking, I
remember thinking that has to be

one of the great joys
of being a mother,

watching your child experience
something for the first time.

- Yeah, must be.

- Well, if I'm not gonna
get Annie for the whole day,

I'm gonna get in
a lot more hugs.

- Hey are you okay
about all of this?

- About what?

- Well, you're playing
mother to Annie,

that's gotta dredge
up some feelings.

- Sure it does, but
I'm handling them.

Look Mom, I have
accepted the fact

that there are no
babies in my future.

Doctors have spoken.

- They also said
there's a chance.

- Oh, Mom, come
on, I'm fine really.

I have a wonderful life, I
have a wonderful husband

and if I can't be
a mother I'll just

be the greatest
aunt of all time.

- I was just on my
way home and...

- Hey Royer.

- Hey Royer.

- And I was thinking just
because we have Annie

doesn't mean we don't
get our Saturday night.

The sitters will
just get a sitter.

I'm gonna call that little girl

who lives across the street.

- Oh no, Mark, I don't like her.

- What are you talking
about she's great with Annie.

- Yeah but she's too young.

- (grunts) Okay,
um, oh I'll call that,

Mrs. you know what's her
face that lives next door.

- No Mark, she's too old.

(audience laughing)

- Why are you being difficult?

- Am I?

Oh I'm sorry, I,

I guess I'd really rather
just stay home tonight

and Annie might wake up

and I'd like to be
here when she does.

- Okay, all right.

But I get equal time.

You powder her bottom,
you got to powder mine.

(audience laughing)

So tell me about your day.

- Oh, it was wonderful.

Oh, it was wonderful.

I took Annie to the museum.

Oh, she would look at
the paintings and smile

and kick her feet,
she's so advanced Mark.

Are you sure she's
my sister's kid?

- Mm-mm.

- (laughs) I had
a wonderful day.

- I love it when
you're so happy.



I said happy, not hysterical.

- I'm sorry. (laughing)

- (laughing) What?

- I was just thinking about
something that Annie did today.

She did this with her spoons.

- (laughing) In the museum?

- Here, I guess you
just had to be there.

- Oh.

You realize what we're doing?

- Kissing.

- We're kissing on the couch.

Max and Julie are always around,

we never get to
kiss on the couch.

- Sure we do.

- But we never get to do this.

Or this.

- Mm.

Did I hear Annie?

- It was the dog next door.

(audience laughing)

- No honey, it
sounded like Annie.

- The dog does impressions.

(audience laughing)

- Honey, I think it was Annie.

Let me get her.

- (sighs) I'm glad Max is
coming home tomorrow.

- Really?

I kind of wish he was
never coming back.

Don't read something deep
and psychological into that.

You're just like my mother.

(audience applauding)

(baby cooing)

- Now I don't normally
do this on my day off,

but you did say it
was an emergency

so what seems to be the problem?

Oh your, your doggie
has a toothache, huh?

And which tooth is it.

Oh it's the upper left
canine? (laughing)

It's just a little
dental humor there,

it always gets ya.

- Well hello you two.

- Hi there!

What'd you bring us?

- Dare I say to a
dentist, ice cream.

- Did you hear that, Annie?

Killer ice cream. (growls)

I saw we get her for it.

- No no no, I say we
eat the ice cream first

and get me later.

- Hm, sexy yet sensible.


- Hi guys.

- Hey welcome home.

- Hi.

- Hi Annie.

Hi baby. (laughs)

- Daddy.

- Yeah, daddy to you too.

I missed you so much
and your mama misses you

you look beautiful!

I think she's grown about
an inch, you know what?

Tell me the truth you guys,

did she cry and carry
on while I was gone?

- No she laughed and played.

- Oh really?

Oh, pretending not to care, uh?

What a little trooper.

- So how was the great outdoors?

- It was fantastic.

It was like a
wilderness up there.

I hiked, I chopped wood.

I earned my woodsman shirt.

- That's not what I heard,
when Julie called she said

you fainted when a chipmunk
jumped on your shoulder.

(audience laughing)

- (laughing) It
was a small bear.

- Look Max, if you're
tired from the drive

I can take care of Annie.

- Oh listen Barb,
you can relax now,

Dad is officially back, thanks.

All right little one
let's go upstairs

and you can help Daddy
unpack you can tell me

all about your weekend,
I'll tell you about mine.

Aw come on kiddo,
eat your carrots.

You love carrots.

(baby coos)

You know, there are
children starving in Europe.

I'm so glad you're the
only person that heard that.

- What?

- Huh?

Oh, we were just
talking about dinner here.

- Oh I'm starving,
what's for dinner?

- I don't know you'll have
to rustle up some grub.

- Rustle up some grub?

You were in the woods two days

you're talking
like Davy Crockett.

(audience laughing)

- Hi guys.

- Hi Barb.

- Sweetie how are you?

- She won't eat her carrots.

- I'll eat 'em.

How do you feel
about some pizza?

- Passionate.

- Tree bark okay
for you Mr. Crockett?

Goodbye my sweets.

I'll be back in awhile.

- Okay, thanks.

- Hi Annie.

- Barb I'm worried.

I think she resents
Julie not being here

so she refuses to eat.

- Or she's full.

- Why would she be full?

- Well she just polished
off a jar of sweet potatoes

about an hour ago.

- You fed her?

- Yeah I fed her.

- When did you
have time to do that?

- (blowing raspberries) Well,
you were taking a shower,

and we were playing and
she seemed a little hungry.

- Oh, so that's why.

I see, listen Barb, I'd
appreciate if from now on

you wouldn't feed
her so early, okay?

Julie has her on a set schedule.

- Sorry.

- It's all right,
it's no problem.

Well, since your
auntie Barbara fed you

I guess all that's
left is bed time.

- Now?

- Yeah it's time.

- Come on Max, you can let her

stay up a little while longer.

- No, it's getting late.

- But she's not even sleepy.

- She will be.

- I see.

- You see what?

- Well it just doesn't
make sense to me

to put a child to be
while they're wide awake.

- Well some parents think
it's the beginning of discipline.

- But it obviously
frustrates her.

She doesn't want to go to bed,

she wants to stay up and play.

- Look Barbara, Julie
read an article about this.

- Julie, oh, right Julie.

I should've known.

- You should have known what?

- Well I should've
known this is another one

of my sister's theories.

- This isn't a theory
Barbara, this is something

that Julie and I
worked out together.

Annie just does better
with a set bed time.

- Fine, fine.

If you're not worried
about the longterm effects

why should I be?

- What?

What are you talking about?

What are you trying to say?

- Nothing, nothing.

- Okay fine.

- Fine.

- We're going to bed.

- I thought you'd
be more flexible.

- I am flexible.

- Well then why are you
making her go to bed so early?

- What?

What would you like her to do,

stay up and watch Johnny Carson?

Since when did you become

such an authority
on child rearing?

- I'm not being
an authority Max!

I'm merely suggesting that if...

- Don't suggest.

Look I don't know
what's going on here

but I don't like your
attitude Barbara.

I resent it.

Julie and I work very hard
on being good parents.

We're gonna make some
mistakes but we try and do our best.

- Well then good, good!

Then the best thing
you can do for her is...

- The best thing you can
do is to keep out of it, okay?

I'm the father.

- Maybe that's the problem.

- I want to talk about
what happened with Max.

- We had a disagreement.

- Did you start it?

- Thank you.

Thank you Mark,
it's so nice to know

that my husband is on my side.

- [Mark] I just
asked who started it.

- You asked if I started it.

- Look, we have got to talk
about what's going on here.

- Mark, I know this
is very contemporary,

the husband and wife
discussing everything,

sharing their
innermost feelings.

But sometimes there's
something to be said

for just leaving
the person alone.

- This is not just your problem.

Now you talk to me.

I mean it.

Now what happened?

- Not much.

- How much?

- I was terrible, to Max.

I interfered, I was opinionated.

I guess I just wanted to
start a fight and I, I did.

- You?


- I don't know.

I was just so angry at Max.

All he did was come home.

I thought I had
such a clear picture

of what this weekend with
Annie was gonna be like.

Some joy but mostly chore.

It was all joy.

Then Max came
home and I just felt so...

- Interrupted?

- [Barbara] Yeah.

- I know, me too.

(sighs) We could
always sue for custody.

(audience laughing)

- I guess everybody was right.

Couldn't handle it.

I want to have a baby.

- I want one too.

- I can't.

- Barbara, it's not impossible.

- Mark.

- I am a firm believer
in perseverance.

I saw we keep trying
until one of us drops.

(audience laughing)

Barbara, you're
happy aren't you?

- Yes.

- It's not.

- No, I'm very happy.

I don't want to have a
baby because there's

something missing.

I want to have a baby
because we have so much.

You would make a
damn good father.

And I'd make a great mother.

I just think it's right that
we should have a family.

- Then let's have a family.

- We can't.

- Yes we can, we'll adopt.

- Adopt?

- Don't tell me you
haven't heard of it?

- I've thought about it, a lot.

- Then let's do it.

- Really?

- You want a baby?

- Oh yeah.

- I want a baby.

Let's have a baby!

- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, we're gonna have a baby!

- Oh.



I'm scared.

(audience laughing)

You scared?

- I'm scared.

- But I'm excited, too.

You excited?

- I'm excited.

- Me too.

A baby.

- [Narrator] Be sure
to watch next week

for the conclusion of Baby Love.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat happy music)