One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 5 - Worried Heart - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Shirt, shirt, shirt.

Sam, six shirts
for a two day trip?

- Yeah, I just toss 'em
in, I don't count 'em.

Have you see my briefcase?

- Yeah, I gave it to
Schneider to fix the handle.

(audience laughs)

- Why did you give
it to Schneider?



I'm capable of fixing
my own handle.

Besides which, when
Schneider fixes something

he goes on and on
about an expert he is.

Plus, he expects
external gratitude.

- Plus, you don't like him.

You're wearing a
tie on the plane?

- Yes, it's part of the uniform.

Architects on their
way to sell a big project

are people quiet dignity.

(audience laughs)

- It's gonna take
more than a tie.

(audience laughs)

- I think I'm going to miss you.

I'm not sure.

(audience laughs)

- Sam, you didn't pack pajamas.

- Who's gonna watch
me sleep in Atlanta?

I'll sleep in the buff.

(audience laughs)

- What time is Alice
picking you up?

- Couple of minutes.

You're not tying the
pajamas in with Alice are you?

- No, no, no.

I'm not tying the
pajamas in with Alice.

This is fat Alice, the nice
lady with the squint, right?

- Right.

(audience laughs)

- You lie.

- Right.

- Why are you lying?

- Well because...

Alice Graham is not
a bad looking woman.

- And I'm a wife and
wives get jealous,

is that what you think?

- Mm-hmm.

- You don't know me
very well, my friend.

- Look, I asked Alice to
go along with me on this

because she's good
at what she does.

(audience laughs)

I mean that Alice
Graham has great...

Design sense.

(audience laughs)

- Look, Sam, an attractive
woman is picking you up

and flying away with
you to another city.

So what?

I don't care.

Just come home safe.

- I think you mean that.

- I do mean it.

- Good.

(audience laughs)

(Schneider knocking)

Who is it? (audience laughs)

- Hello, Schneider.

- Hi, Ms. Romano.

I fixed your briefcase for ya.

- Thank you very much,
Schneider, I appreciate it.

- I had to rivet this
metal tab right here.

- Well, thank you.

- And then to cover
it so it wouldn't show

I had to cut the leather
and sew it back over on top.

- Sam appreciates it.

- Yeah, no problem.

I mean not too many people
have a crescent needle

for sewing leather.

You take this to
a shoe repair guy

he'll charge you 15, 20 bucks.

And believe me it
would be worth it.

- Schneider, I appreciate...
- He does appreciate it.

He really does.
- Deeply, very much.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Don't make such
a big deal out of it.

(audience laughs)

I mean, I happen to have
the equipment, and the tools,

the expertise, I had
the time, I shined...

(doorbell rings)

And I'll get the door. (laughs)

- Hello, is Sam Royer in?

- Yes, but I don't think
he can come out and play.

(audience laughs)

- Alice, come on it.

This is my wife, Ann.

This is Alice Graham.

- Ann, I am so pleased
to finally meet you.

- Nice meeting you too.

This is Dwayne Schneider.

- Excuse my appearance,

I've just been
working with leather.

(audience laughs)

- Alice, could I get
you a cup of coffee?

- No thank you, Ann.

I'm sorry, Sam, I think
I cut it a little short.

- Yeah, we better go or
we'll never make the plane.

- Here you go, honey.

- But I am going to miss you.

'Cause I love you.

- [Alice] Very nice
to meet you, Ann.

You too, uh.

- Schneider.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, come on now, drink up.

There you go.

Hiya, Sam.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi.
- Hey there.

- We're going to a
movie, wanna come?

- Yeah, if you do
we'll let you treat.

(audience laughs)

- I don't think so.

- Come on, we'll let
you buy dinner too.

(audience laughs)

- You sure know how
to tempt a person but no.

My evening is all planned.

I'm gonna be
watering the plants.

Not that I get any thanks.

- Oh, we thought
you might be lonely

we didn't realize
you had company.

(audience laughs)

- So, mom, have
you heard from Sam?

- Not yet.

They're probably working late.

- They? They who?

- [Ann] Sam and Alice.

- Alice?

Alice Graham?

- [Ann] Yeah.

- Oh, you know her?

- Yeah, she and dad dated.

(audience groans)

- Your dad dated this woman?

- Well not dated...

Sort of knew her.
(audience laughs)

- Knew her?

- Yeah, I don't know
the exact details.

He probably said hi to her

if they bumped into
each other in the hallway.

- Okay, sweetheart, ease up.

It's okay.

- Is this woman pretty?

- Yes.

I met her, she's great
looking, but really,

honestly honey it's no problem.

- Sam goes away with a
great looking ex-girlfriend...

- I didn't say girlfriend.

- And you don't care?

Would you do that to me?

- Of course not.

She's not my type.

(audience laughs)

- Barbara, listen to me.

If Sam didn't tell me about her

it's because it's not
important if he knew her

or dated her before he met me

it's obviously over
if it ever began.

You really can't let your
imagination run away

with you like that.

- Yeah, well, you may
not be the jealous type

but I gotta tell ya,

if this ever happened to me.

(hands clapping) Pow!

(audience laughs)

- I told you she's not my type.

(audience laughs)

- What is your type?

- Cute, little
brunettes, about...

About that high.

'Bout...
- Watch it.

(audience laughs)

- 'Bout that wide.

Just big, beautiful blue eyes.

- [Barbara] You!
(audience laughs)

(Ann laughing)

- He forgot his pajamas.

(audience moans)

Why did he forget his pajamas?

Hey, maybe he always
wears a tie on a plane.

How would I know?

See how this one drinks?

Do you notice that
she looks like me?

(audience laughs)

Wonder if that means anything.

Alright, okay, so he knew her.

She obviously
meant so little to him

that he forgot
to tell me, right?

What do you know?ú

I'm talking to a cactus.

(audience laughs)

Hello, operator,

could I have the area code
for Atlanta, Georgia, please?

Thank you.

10 to one they've
got adjoining rooms.

(audience laughs)

Hello, Atlanta, yes.

Could I have the number of
the Reagent Hotel, please?

A second, hold on, wait.

Yeah, four, seven.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, I miss him!

I miss him.

I just wanna hear his voice.

There's nothing so wrong
with calling somebody

if you miss their voice.

Right?

Hello.

Hi.

I...

A friend of mine is
staying there with you.

Well, no not exactly.

A friend, my husband.

Now what I was wondering is

could you give me the room
number of Ms. Alice Graham

who is his business associate

and tell me if they're
in adjoining rooms

or on different floors

so I won't disturb
their business meeting?

Forget I said that.

What I would
really like you to do

is send a bottle of champagne
to my husband's room,

his name is Royer,

and put a card on that says
I love you and I trust you.

Not I trust you,
just I love you.

(audience laughs)

And this is very important,

just send one glass.

(audience laughs)

Forget the whole thing.

Really, just...

Okay.

You're not room service.

Fine.

Just ring my
husband's room, please.

What's the matter,
you weren't listening?

His name is Royer.

That's right, thank you.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- I called to tell
you I love you.

- Terrific, me too.

How are ya?

- Well, aside from
making an absolute fool

of myself with the
hotel operator just now

I'm fine.

- Fool about what?

- Just dumbness.

How's Alice?

- She's fine, she's right here.

You wanna say hi?

- No. (audience laughs)

You must be very busy.

- Yeah.

The presentation went very well

and we're just kinda, you
know, putting everything together.

(audience laughs)

- Putting everything together?

- Finishing up.

And then we're gonna
probably go out, grab a bite.

- By all means.

- What?

- By all means.

Go out and have a bite.

Just the two of you.

Like you used to.

(audience laughs)

- Okay.

Listen, Ann, I'm
sorry that I didn't

mention the situation.

- Mention the situation!

Mention what situation?

And I want you
to say it right now!

Right in front of her!

Right now!

You used to go together!

Oh my god, Sam, I'm sorry.

I don't know what's
making me act like this.

(audience laughs)

- It's not like we had the
romance of the century.

- Sam, I know, really.

I'm sorry.

Sam, believe me,

I don't require a list of all
the women you used to date,

honestly, truly.

Do you realize she
does look a little like me?

(audience laughs)

- What?

- Honey, I'm sorry.

I'm missing you.

I'm talking to the plants.

- Do they answer?

(audience laughs)

- Well, the philodendron
is telling me not to worry

about the pajamas,

and the cactus says that I
am stuck with the situation.

(laughs) Cactus says I'm stuck.

She's right there in the
room with you, huh, Sam?

(audience laughs)

Forgive me, darling,
just forget I said that.

She's supposed to be in
the room with you, right?

I mean, you're working together.

There's no reason
that she shouldn't be

in the room with you.

Sam, Sam, darling,
darling, I love you.

I love you.

Forget I made this
entire phone call.

I didn't even make it.

Okay, I love you, goodbye.

I'm sick.

(audience laughs)

- Problem?

- Maybe.

I just had a conversation
with two people.

One of them told me things

and the other one told me

to pay no attention
to those things.

(audience laughs)

- Jealousy?

- I don't know, that
doesn't seem like Ann.

How did you know?

- Well don't forget I heard
you end of the conversation.

Didn't you tell her we'd
known each other before?

- No, it slipped my mind.

- No it didn't.

- You're right.

- You meant to but you
never got around to it, right?

- Yeah.

- (laughs) I did the
same thing with Frank.

- Frank?

- Frank Samson, the
man I'm sort of dating,

but I'm not sure there
aren't better fish in the sea.

The most jealous man
west of my first husband.

- You know, that presentation
really went well I think.

I'm just wondering
if you couldn't...

- Go.

You can catch one
of those red eyes.

I can handle this.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

If you leave now you can
be home in time to tell her

I don't mean a
thing in your life.

- I do appreciate
it, believe me.

And, Alice, I couldn't have
done it without you today.

It was terrific.

The whole
presentation, all of it.

Thank you very much.

(audience applauds)

♪ Mr. Sandman give me dream

- You work here?

- Who are you?

- I was walking by on the street

thought I saw smoke coming
from one of the windows.

- Smoke?
- Right through this door.

- Smoke!
- I'm sure it was seeping.

- In here?

- I can smell it.

- Smoke!

Listen, you know where
there's smoke there's.

- Fire.
- Fire!

(Ann screaming)

Smells like smoke here.

(Ann screaming)

Ms. Romano!

Ms. Romano!

Ms. Romano!

Ms. Romano!

- Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Oh my god.

You're not Alice.

- Yeah, and there's no smoke.

- Who are you?

What are you doing here?

- This fellow was downstairs
and he saw some smoke.

And so he said he came upstairs

to the fourth floor to warn us.

That's what he said.

He's lying.

- He took a picture
of me in bed.

- What?

What are you, a pervert?

(audience laughs)

- No, no.

Honestly I thought
she was Alice.

Sleeping with a creep named

Sam Royer.

- This lady sleeps with a creep
by the name of Sam Royer.

(audience laughs)

- I thought I'd
catch them together.

I guess they really did
go to Atlanta on business.

- Give me that.

- What does it say?

- Sam Royer, Friday,
apartment 402, that's here.

- So, you thought
you'd catch them?

Then what?

- Who knows?

The woman...

The woman, please,
she's driving me crazy.

I'm sorry.

- You're sorry?
- Sorry!

- You come busting in here
in the middle of the night!

- The middle of the night!

- You take a picture
of a woman lying in bed

like this without any warning!

Give me that camera!

- Yeah.

- How's it open?

Here.

Taking pictures of ladies.

(audience laughs)

- You're stupid, you know that?

I could have had a gun.

You couldn't gotten
yourself killed.

- I'm sorry, listen...
Let me explain.

Are you Mrs. Royer?

- [Ann] Yes, I am.

- Of course.

Could I talk to you?

Alone.

- No.
- No.

- Look, I got nothing.

Nothing against you, lady.

It's just that I need help.

I'm desperate.

It's about your
husband in a way.

- Okay.

- Alright, alright.
- Alright.

- But, Schneider will be
right outside that door.

- Right inside that door.

- It's okay.

- Ms. Romano you sit over here.

You, the end of the couch.

End of the couch, sit!

All this in here
is no man's land.

(audience laughs)

I catch you wandering
into no man's land

I'm gonna hit you over
the head with your face.

(audience laughs)

- Thanks, Schneider.

- De nada.

- Do you know Alice?

I mean, she's wonderful.

And she's rotten.

And she lies to me.

Have you ever been jealous?

- What has this got to
do with her husband?

- Alright, her husband
and Alice weren't

in that bedroom just now.

Okay, I was wrong about that.

But they are in
Atlanta together.

Right now.

Is your husband a good guy?

(Schneider groans)
- Yes.

He is a good guy.

- Well, she isn't.

I mean...

She is.

She is and she isn't.

She's... (audience laughs)

I don't know.

I'm telling you
right now I feel...

I feel... I feel wacko,
weird, you know?

Do you mind if I
borrow some water

just to spray on my face?

- Fine, the bathroom
is right through here.

- [Man] Thanks.

Thank you.

- Schneider, I think I
can handle this from here.

He's just a very jealous
man who's lost control.

- Good, my legs were giving out.

(audience laughs)

You're sure about that?

- Yeah, I'm sure, thank you.

- Alright.

But if anything happens,

if he starts getting crazy

give me the old S.O.S.

You remember the old S.O.S.?

- Yeah, three short screams.

- Three long screams.

- Three short screams.

(audience laughs)

- Nice outfit.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Royer!

Hold it.

- Schneider, look it's
late, I had a long flight.

- Look, Royer you...

Hey, you and I we never seem
to have any time to chat, Sam.

(audience laughs)

- That's true, Dwayne.

Why don't we have
lunch together tomorrow?

I'll fix a lunch and we'll chat.

We'll get to know each other.

- You haven't been
down into my boiler room.

- No, I don't believe I have.

- It's an antique boiler.

I mean, builders,
architects they love it.

You'd love to see
this boiler room, really.

- Schneider, I'm
very pleased for you.

Now, get out of my way.

- Royer, you don't
wanna go in there.

- Yes, I do wanna go in there.

- You don't wanna go in there.

- Why not?

- Because it's dark in
there and you could trip

and fall and break a
leg and sue the building

and I could lose my job.

- You could lose
your job if I go in here?

- Yes.

- Good night.

(audience laughs)

- Sam, you came home early!

Sam, you're okay?

You're not sick?

- No, I'm fine.

Schneider's out in the hall
trying to round up guests

for a boiler room costume party.

(audience laughs)

- Thanks a lot.

Oh.

Hi.

I'm Frank Samson.

- Okay.

I'm Sam Royer.

- Frank is a friend of Alice's.

I'll explain later.

- Where is Alice?

- She's in Atlanta.

- Oh good.

Well, she's all alone then.

There are men in Atlanta.

(audience laughs)

I'm sorry about...

I mean, taking a picture of
you in bed and everything.

(audience laughs)

- That was Frank Samson.

You know that.

And he was right about
taking a picture of me.

But he thought he'd catch
you and Alice in the bedroom.

Then he had to
go in the bathroom

to splash some
water on his face.

And that just shows you
how terrible jealousy can be.

And you came home
early and I'm delighted.

And how come?

- Well, take a breath, okay?

- I hope you didn't come home
because of that phone call.

You did come home early
because of my phone call,

didn't you?

- Take another breath.

- Sam, I wanna say
something to you

and then you can say
anything you want to me.

Okay, I saw you go away
with an attractive woman

and I didn't care.

I really didn't care.

I even told you I
didn't care, didn't I?

And then little by little I
didn't want you to be with her.

It wasn't all of a
sudden, mind you,

it was little by little
like a slow virus.

Do you understand?

- Drink this.

Now breath deeply.

(audience laughs)

Okay.

So far I understand
that you don't have

a hell of a lot of trust in me.

- It sounds like
that, Sam, I know

and that's terrible.

But when a person is jealous

a person doesn't think
about things like that.

It is the most insidious thing.

It gets inside you.

It makes you sick
to your stomach.

- Ann, Ann.

Calm down, calm down.

- Jealousy is destructive.

It's territorial and
you're a smart person.

You gotta learn how
to control it a little bit.

Now, I know what
you're gonna say,

but for me jealousy is
not an expression of love.

- But it exists.

Do you deny that?

- No.

- Alright, then it is our
obligation and responsibility

of not provoking
jealousy, you and I.

- What does that mean?

- That means that
you shouldn't parade

your ladies in front of me

when you're taking
them to Atlanta with you.

- Okay, I can assume
that responsibility. (laughs)

Are we just gonna stand
here and neck all night

or are you gonna fix
me a cup of cocoa?

So what was the paparazzi
doing in the bedroom?

(audience laughs)

- Frank, I thought I told you.

He thought you and Alice were.

- And sensing his
bitter disappointment

you suggested he take a shower?

(audience laughs)

- He wanted to splash
water on his face.

You see, he was
getting a little crazy.

- Oh no, it all falls
into place now.

Complete stranger drops
by in the middle of the night,

wants to chat, you're
wearing a flimsy nightgown.

From what I gather from
all this garbled information

he took some
photos of you in bed.

- You're jealous.

- (laughs) Ann.

Really, jealousy has
nothing to do with this.

I see a situation here

that needs some
clarification that's all.

- Would you tell me again
how jealousy is destructive

and territorial?

- Ann, I think if the
situation were reversed

you would be asking
some questions.

- Yes, I would.

You wanna know why?

'Cause I'd be jealous.

- (laughs) Not me.

- (laughs) Yes, you Sam.

And you wanna
know something else?

Wait a minute, are
you putting me on?

- Yes.

- You lie.

- Yes.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)