One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 21 - Off We Go - full transcript
In the cast's farewell episode (except Pat Harrington who is in the "very last" show) Bonnie Franklin's character Ann Romano gets the job offer of a lifetime. To be the head of a marketing enterprise in London,England. She's concerned how her family and friends will accept this news and is also scared herself of the change. After much talk and shared tears,Ann takes the offer. At the show's end,Ann's taking one last look at the now empty apt. she and her 2 girls moved into almost 9 years ago. She then slowly closes the door behind her and into the next chapter of her life.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Honey, I'm home!
Sweetheart, are you here?
- Of course my precious.
Where else would I be?
(audience laughing)
- Hello Schneider.
- Oh, hiya there.
I uh, just uh, finished
caulking your tub.
- Why is it when you
are bursting with news
there's nobody to tell it to?
Oh, I am so excited
I just can't think.
I have got to tell somebody.
(doorbell ringing)
Ooh!
(audience laughing)
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
I've got great news.
- Mom, we know about it.
- Yes, we stopped by your
office and Francine told us.
- Oh, can you believe it?
- No, I can't,
because I'm the one who
doesn't know what the news is.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, I'm
sorry, I didn't tell you.
Do you remember
Mr. Hollingsworth?
- Hollingsworth, no.
- Yes, yes, you
took some sketches
over to his office for me.
- Oh, Hollingsworth.
Oh yeah, he had the secretary
who was double jointed.
Yeah, I remember her.
Yeah, she could, she could
stand on the coffee table
and touch the floor
with her elbows.
She was terrific.
(audience laughing)
So, what's the news?
- All right,
Mr. Hollingsworth has
offered me a partnership
in a brand new enterprise
creating new markets
for Midwestern products
in Europe, based in London.
- Isn't that fabulous?
- (giggling) Yes.
- I hate that whole idea.
- Does that mean uh, you're
gonna have to uh, move away?
- See, see, he
feels the same way.
- Mom, it's a challenge.
That's why it's so exciting.
I'm gonna have to learn
about all kinds of new things.
Fabricated metals and
chemicals, dairy products, pork, yes.
(audience laughing)
Oh, Ann Romano from Logansport
running an office in England.
- They already got a woman
over there running an office.
(audience laughing)
It's that woman, you know,
her name sounds like
a roof shingle, Thatcher.
That's her name, Thatcher.
(audience laughing)
- That's, are you
really gonna do this?
- No, she is not.
She's just got all excited
because it sounds
like such a great honor,
but she is not going
to leave her children,
and, and, and
furniture, and her friends,
and you Schneider,
and her little grandchild,
and me, her mother
in her declining years.
(audience laughing)
- I think she will Grandma.
As a matter of fact,
I think she should.
- Mom, it's not
as if it isn't scary.
It's plenty scary,
and I'm gonna miss you
all like crazy, but I really...
- What about your husband, huh?
Remember him, what about him?
- Yes, yes, what about Sam?
- Sam is the one who's
always teaching me
about being open to new ideas.
I think he'll love it.
- Wrong, wrong, you gotta
basic precept involved here.
Something's wrong here.
The man does not
follow the woman.
The woman follows the man.
- Schneider.
- What do you mean, Schneider?
Now look, when Julius Caesar,
when he would say to his wife,
hey Cleopatra, grab your
Nubians and pack your veils,
we're gonna go spend
a weekend on the barge,
she would pay attention
and then do that.
(audience laughing)
I'm telling ya something here.
It's very dangerous,
what you're doing.
It's very dangerous.
(door thuds)
- He's right, you know.
- Now, hold it just one minute.
I mean, what am I supposed to do
when my family gets all
grown up and independent?
Shrivel up and turn
into an old prune?
- Well, thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Mom, I came
in here all excited,
and nobody says congratulations.
Nobody says you deserved it.
Nobody says we're proud of you.
- I said I thought
you should go.
That was a nice thing to say.
- It was a nice thing to
say, I'm sorry, thank you.
- Well, okay.
- Okay, okay, but whatever
happened to hearth and home
with your children
gathered all around you
as you grow old in the
bosom of your family.
Yeah, well I'm, well,
I should've known.
There never was very
much bosom in this family.
(audience laughing)
- [Both] Well, thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, yeah.
- Schneider.
- I'm loitering here.
- I know that.
- To help prevent your
marriage from being destroyed.
- Oh, that's good.
I thought you were here
to tell me another
of your Navy stories.
- Go ahead, your
wife is waiting inside
to entice you into
an unmanly act.
(audience laughing)
- That could save the marriage.
(audience laughing)
- We're talking
manhood here, Royer,
and female maneuvering,
and that's as far
as I'm gonna go.
I'm saying no more,
because it is not in my
code to tamper beyond a hint.
Good, solid hint.
- Thank you, Schneider,
I don't recall ever having
heard a hint more solid.
(audience laughing)
- Oh Sam, I'm so glad your here.
- [Sam] Hi, have I got
some news for you.
- I've got some
news to tell you.
No, I have to tell you
something Sam, no, I have news.
- Wait a second, I go first,
I mentioned it first, okay.
- Okay.
- You know how upset you get
because I don't have any roots,
and it seems like
at the drop of a hat
I'm ready to buy a
frog farm in Hawaii?
- Sam, I think I oughta
tell you something.
- No, let me finish.
Today, I saw a great house
near the park, here in town.
Now, I figure you buy a
house, you get a mortgage.
With a mortgage you
got automatic roots, huh?
Honey, you are right.
It's time for me to settle down,
so today we bought a home
right here in Indianapolis.
(audience laughing)
You can kiss me, I can tell
by your face your ecstatic.
(audience laughing)
- Sam.
- Fine, I made a mistake.
Okay, what the hell.
We'll just sell the dream house.
I suppose we could move.
We can move to London.
(audience laughing)
- You rotten, you miserable,
lowdown, you know.
- [Sam] Yes.
- How'd you find out?
- Well, Francine called me
and she told me all the news.
She seems very happy for you,
and she hopes that you're
trampled by the palace guards.
- (laughing) Well, that
sounds like Francine.
Oh, I want this job.
I really do want
it, but I don't know.
There are, there are
other things to consider.
A, you, B, the family.
- Well, no problem with A.
- [Ann] Oh, Sam.
- Listen, you know me.
Now uh, I love doing
this kind of thing,
and an architect
can work anywhere,
so what about your family?
- (sighs) Well, I
came sailing in here,
was so excited I was
practically dancing,
and I, well, I realized
I'm more tied to things
than you are, Sam (chuckles).
I'm supposed to be
in another country,
starting a brand
new life in 10 days,
but it seems sacrilegious
to just walk away
and leave everybody.
- Look uh, just
because you leave them
doesn't mean you lose them.
You never lose them as
long as you remember them.
You know, here.
- [Ann] What's that?
- Phone, phone book.
- [Ann] Yeah.
- Yes, movers, movers,
movers, movers.
Charlie the mover.
I think we can trust Charlie.
(audience laughing)
Here you go.
Well, take it, take it.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, oh, I see you're
almost packed.
- Yes, just sorting
through a few things.
- Yeah well, I brought you
some magazines for the flight.
- Oh, that's nice.
- American Home, Family
Circle, Ladies Home Journal.
- Thank you, Mom.
- American Hockey and Arena.
- Thanks, Mom.
- American Laundry Digest.
- Thanks, Mom.
- American Kennel.
Annie, I want you to know
I understand your decision.
I cried all night, but
I'm fine now, I really am.
(audience laughing)
- [Ann] Well, good, Mom.
Come on, won't
you come over here,
and help me sort
through some things, okay.
- Okay, okay.
- All right, come on.
Oh look, you know what this is?
- What?
- These are letters from the
kids from Camp Bartholomew.
Remember they used to call
it Camp Barfalot (chuckles)?
"Dear Mom, we
took a hike to the lake
"and I saw some butterflies,
"and I think I
heard a rattlesnake,
"and I brushed my
teeth every night.
"Love, Barbara, your daughter."
(Ann laughs loudly)
Ah, it's from Julie.
"Dear Mom, we have to write
home everyday, love Julie."
(audience laughing)
- Anyway, I'm fine now.
(audience laughing)
Although, I cried all night.
- Thank you, Mom, you told me.
(doorbell ringing)
Ah here, hold on
to these, will you?
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- [Ann] Hi, what're
you two doing here?
- Well, we thought we'd come
by and see if we could help.
- Actually, we came by to
see what we could pillage.
- (laughing) Well, it's
all going into storage.
Take whatever you want.
- Really?
- [Mark] Oh Barbie,
you like this lamp?
- Yeah.
- Nah, it's too gauche.
- Well, how about the desk?
- Nah, you don't wanna
break up a gauche set.
(audience laughing)
- That's not funny.
That was my desk once.
- Before she got good stuff.
(audience laughing)
- That's not funny either.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm just not myself today.
I cried all night.
(audience laughing)
- Mom.
- So did Barbara.
- Oh, Mark.
Okay, I cried half the night.
Look, I know it's a
wonderful opportunity for you,
but I'm, I'm gonna
miss you a lot.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
Tell ya a secret.
I cried last night too.
- Oh, good, good.
(audience laughing)
Then that means you have doubts.
- Mom, you always told
me to set a goal and go for it.
- That was when I
was potty training you.
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
I'll get that.
- Moving men.
(audience laughing)
- Listen now, Ms.
Romano, let me ask you.
Be okay maybe,
if tomorrow I come down
to the airport see you off?
- [Ann] Of course.
- I thought I'd ask, you know.
I mean, nobody invited
me, so I thought I'd ask.
- [Ann] Oh Schneider,
come on, I just, I assumed.
- It's all right, it's okay.
Hey, I'll see ya tomorrow
down at the airport,
if I have time.
It could be a very busy day.
(audience laughing)
- Hello Romano.
Well, you certainly put
me in a difficult position.
Dissolving a partnership
and buying you out
takes a lot more time
than I have time for.
You know, Schneider
didn't even say hello to me.
- He's upset.
- Oh, that explains it.
Well, you've made a
very precipitous move
which puts me in a very
uncomfortable position.
Ah, sign there,
and that lawyer of yours keeps
undressing me with his eyes.
Oh, sign there and there.
You're not signing.
- I'm reading.
- Well, I've been thinking
of getting Ed McWarder
to replace you.
He's short, so he'll fit
great behind your desk.
(audience laughing)
How, how about Graham Tuttleman.
Oh, no no, he does
write great copy,
but he's in love with me.
(chuckles) That never works.
- Have you ever thought
about taking in a woman?
- Not once.
(audience laughing)
- Well, all signed.
- Oh.
- I guess this makes Romano
and Webster, Webster Inc.
Here you go.
Bye, good luck,
I really mean it.
- Well, I wish you
every success, Ann.
I, of course, will
get along fine.
Say hello to Prince
Charles for me.
- I'll do that.
Not Diana, just Prince Charles.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Annie, I really
am gonna miss you.
Oh, I hate myself
for displays like this,
but what the hell.
- [Ann] It was a
good partnership.
- Yeah, well I uh, I will
see you at the airport,
and uh, I am gonna
miss you, really.
I'll look at your desk and
wonder until my dying day
how you got that job
in London and not me.
(audience laughing)
Oh, let me, let me
help you with that.
(audience laughing)
- Well, this could be a
momentous occasion.
It's your last American
hamburger and malted.
- Great, thank you.
Well, tell me,
was it tough saying
goodbye down at the office?
- Well, my secretary
was hysterical.
I think she was counting
on having my baby.
(Ann laughs loudly)
(audience laughing)
- I saw you bringing
that food up here, Royer.
I'll thank you not to
slop it around, okay?
I mean, when you come in here
you found this place immaculate,
and I would hope that
you would be nice enough
to leave it that way, okay?
- He's been delightful
like this all day.
- Schneider, we're busy.
- Schneider, we're busy.
Schneider, we're (chuckles).
Let me tell you something, okay?
When I was in the ninth grade
I had to read this book, right,
about two cities
where one guy see,
he gave up his life
so that the other guy
could run away
with the girl, right,
and all the time there
was this little old lady,
she was sitting down, she
was knitting a sweater, right?
While the good guy was
getting his head chopped off,
and nobody, nobody
said thank you.
(audience laughing)
True story.
(audience laughing)
- Touching little allegory.
(audience laughing)
Didn't make much sense,
but he told it rather
well, don't you think?
- Leave him alone.
It wasn't senseless.
It was, it was Schneider.
I didn't talk to him.
I didn't explain
anything to him.
I never said thank you to him
for all the help he's been
to Julie and Barbara and me.
He loves us and we love him,
and I will never forget
him as long as I live.
No matter where
I am in this world
I will see that silly grin
and that tool belt of his,
and I'll miss him, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I'm uh, I'm gonna
miss both of you two.
Yeah, you too, Royer.
I mean, I just can't tell ya
how this place wreaks
of memories for me.
The hours that I spent
walking back and
forth in this apartment.
I mean, when Julie ran away.
When Barbara came
up here with that guy
that handcuffed
himself to that pole.
Then that string of winners
that you brought up to this
apartment over the years, right?
I mean, what're we
talking about here?
We're talking about the
race car driver, the kid lawyer.
We can talk about
the construction guy,
the airline pilot, the
maestro with the cape.
We're talking about
that terrible comic
with those terrific
jokes, right?
(Sam clears throat)
- Schneider uh, you know,
in a way I'm gonna miss you.
(audience laughing)
- What I'm trying to say, Royer,
is that none of those jerks
were good enough for her,
and neither are you.
(audience laughing)
But uh, apparently,
you come the closest.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Schneider,
and uh look, we don't
have to think of this as
au revoir, or
sayonara, astalavista.
- That's fine by me.
Just uh, just think
of it as um, goodbye.
(audience laughing)
- Right.
(doorbell ringing)
Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi, Sam.
- Well, been doing
a little redecorating?
- I like it, it's simple.
- Hi, where's Annie?
- Oh, I left her
with the babysitter.
I didn't think you could
take another goodbye.
- Yeah uh, Grandma
will be here shortly.
She's making up a
guilt package for you.
(audience laughing)
- What now?
She already sent over a
lock of everybody's hair.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I guess you know
how much I'm gonna miss you.
I think it's great that you
and Dad are so happy.
Makes it a lot
easier to let you go.
Does that make any sense at all?
- Makes sense to me.
- I love you, Annie.
- Well uh, you wanna give
me a hand with the luggage?
- [Sam] Sure.
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
You know, I had
been thinking about
giving my car to
you and Barbara,
but now I'm not sure.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, well, it's about
that time shorty.
- I guess so.
I'm gonna miss you.
- Oh, I'm gonna miss you too.
You've been a real
shoulder to lean on for me.
- [Ann] Oh, thank you.
- [Max] I'm sorry I didn't
do a better job with Julie.
- I'm sorry I didn't do
a better job with Julie.
- Come on, you
know I love you, right?
- [Ann] Oh, me too, you.
- Yeah, and you
owe me $10,000.00.
- (chuckles) What?
- Well, I said that I thought
the Raiders would win,
and you said and I quote,
"I'll bet you $10,000.00."
- (laughing) Why do you
think I'm skipping town?
(both laughing)
- Why do I suddenly
miss Julie so much?
- Oh, I think it's because
she's gone and I'm going,
and it's the first time the three
of us have been separated.
- Hi everybody.
You're having a cry.
(audience laughing)
Don't you dare cry without me.
(audience laughing)
I have something for you.
- What?
- A message from
your granddaughter.
- Ah, the guilt package.
(Annie chattering)
- Clear as a bell.
(audience laughing)
She said, how can you leave me?
I'm trying to hold
back my tiny little tears.
(audience laughing)
(Annie chattering)
- I know what that was.
That was Grandma
doesn't wanna say goodbye.
Come on Grandma, why don't
you ride with me to the airport.
- Thanks, Mom.
- I love you.
- Unless you have some
more guilt you wanna lay on her.
- I'll think of
something on the way.
(audience laughing)
- I don't think I want
anybody else moving in here.
Too many of my memories.
- Oh boy, there sure are
a lot of memories here.
You were 15 (chuckles).
- Remember this (giggles)?
I came home just (giggles).
Mom, Mom, I made the team!
- I sure do, it was
your first day at school.
You were such a baby.
Oh boy, oh look at you now.
You're so beautiful.
All grown up and married.
- Yeah well, look at you.
You're so beautiful, all
grown up and married.
- I love you so much.
- I love you.
- [Ann] Oh, I love you, baby.
- I'm gonna miss you.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- [Barbara] Well, look at you.
- [Ann] Well Schneider,
don't you look nice.
- Well uh, you don't uh,
you don't say goodbye to
people that you have feeling for,
by you know dressing
up in sackcloth and ashes.
I mean uh, you tell them how
you feel by taking a shower,
and putting on clean underwear.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider (giggles).
- You know, I tell ya,
over the years I uh,
I sometimes, I may
have uh, you know uh,
lots of times I just uh.
Please always remember
and don't ever forget
that I love you Annie.
(Ann crying)
- Come on, we better go.
- Yeah, yes, you're right,
you're right, I'm coming.
Okay uh, sit down, both of ya.
I uh, I wanna talk to ya.
Uh, when your father and
I broke up I was scared,
but I have learned a lot today.
From now on we
level with each other.
I don't know everything.
Uh, maybe I don't know anything,
but I'm trying.
So uh, stick with me, huh?
We'll make it, I promise.
I love you and you.
(audience applauding)
("This Is It" by Polly Cutter)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Honey, I'm home!
Sweetheart, are you here?
- Of course my precious.
Where else would I be?
(audience laughing)
- Hello Schneider.
- Oh, hiya there.
I uh, just uh, finished
caulking your tub.
- Why is it when you
are bursting with news
there's nobody to tell it to?
Oh, I am so excited
I just can't think.
I have got to tell somebody.
(doorbell ringing)
Ooh!
(audience laughing)
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
I've got great news.
- Mom, we know about it.
- Yes, we stopped by your
office and Francine told us.
- Oh, can you believe it?
- No, I can't,
because I'm the one who
doesn't know what the news is.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, I'm
sorry, I didn't tell you.
Do you remember
Mr. Hollingsworth?
- Hollingsworth, no.
- Yes, yes, you
took some sketches
over to his office for me.
- Oh, Hollingsworth.
Oh yeah, he had the secretary
who was double jointed.
Yeah, I remember her.
Yeah, she could, she could
stand on the coffee table
and touch the floor
with her elbows.
She was terrific.
(audience laughing)
So, what's the news?
- All right,
Mr. Hollingsworth has
offered me a partnership
in a brand new enterprise
creating new markets
for Midwestern products
in Europe, based in London.
- Isn't that fabulous?
- (giggling) Yes.
- I hate that whole idea.
- Does that mean uh, you're
gonna have to uh, move away?
- See, see, he
feels the same way.
- Mom, it's a challenge.
That's why it's so exciting.
I'm gonna have to learn
about all kinds of new things.
Fabricated metals and
chemicals, dairy products, pork, yes.
(audience laughing)
Oh, Ann Romano from Logansport
running an office in England.
- They already got a woman
over there running an office.
(audience laughing)
It's that woman, you know,
her name sounds like
a roof shingle, Thatcher.
That's her name, Thatcher.
(audience laughing)
- That's, are you
really gonna do this?
- No, she is not.
She's just got all excited
because it sounds
like such a great honor,
but she is not going
to leave her children,
and, and, and
furniture, and her friends,
and you Schneider,
and her little grandchild,
and me, her mother
in her declining years.
(audience laughing)
- I think she will Grandma.
As a matter of fact,
I think she should.
- Mom, it's not
as if it isn't scary.
It's plenty scary,
and I'm gonna miss you
all like crazy, but I really...
- What about your husband, huh?
Remember him, what about him?
- Yes, yes, what about Sam?
- Sam is the one who's
always teaching me
about being open to new ideas.
I think he'll love it.
- Wrong, wrong, you gotta
basic precept involved here.
Something's wrong here.
The man does not
follow the woman.
The woman follows the man.
- Schneider.
- What do you mean, Schneider?
Now look, when Julius Caesar,
when he would say to his wife,
hey Cleopatra, grab your
Nubians and pack your veils,
we're gonna go spend
a weekend on the barge,
she would pay attention
and then do that.
(audience laughing)
I'm telling ya something here.
It's very dangerous,
what you're doing.
It's very dangerous.
(door thuds)
- He's right, you know.
- Now, hold it just one minute.
I mean, what am I supposed to do
when my family gets all
grown up and independent?
Shrivel up and turn
into an old prune?
- Well, thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Mom, I came
in here all excited,
and nobody says congratulations.
Nobody says you deserved it.
Nobody says we're proud of you.
- I said I thought
you should go.
That was a nice thing to say.
- It was a nice thing to
say, I'm sorry, thank you.
- Well, okay.
- Okay, okay, but whatever
happened to hearth and home
with your children
gathered all around you
as you grow old in the
bosom of your family.
Yeah, well I'm, well,
I should've known.
There never was very
much bosom in this family.
(audience laughing)
- [Both] Well, thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, yeah.
- Schneider.
- I'm loitering here.
- I know that.
- To help prevent your
marriage from being destroyed.
- Oh, that's good.
I thought you were here
to tell me another
of your Navy stories.
- Go ahead, your
wife is waiting inside
to entice you into
an unmanly act.
(audience laughing)
- That could save the marriage.
(audience laughing)
- We're talking
manhood here, Royer,
and female maneuvering,
and that's as far
as I'm gonna go.
I'm saying no more,
because it is not in my
code to tamper beyond a hint.
Good, solid hint.
- Thank you, Schneider,
I don't recall ever having
heard a hint more solid.
(audience laughing)
- Oh Sam, I'm so glad your here.
- [Sam] Hi, have I got
some news for you.
- I've got some
news to tell you.
No, I have to tell you
something Sam, no, I have news.
- Wait a second, I go first,
I mentioned it first, okay.
- Okay.
- You know how upset you get
because I don't have any roots,
and it seems like
at the drop of a hat
I'm ready to buy a
frog farm in Hawaii?
- Sam, I think I oughta
tell you something.
- No, let me finish.
Today, I saw a great house
near the park, here in town.
Now, I figure you buy a
house, you get a mortgage.
With a mortgage you
got automatic roots, huh?
Honey, you are right.
It's time for me to settle down,
so today we bought a home
right here in Indianapolis.
(audience laughing)
You can kiss me, I can tell
by your face your ecstatic.
(audience laughing)
- Sam.
- Fine, I made a mistake.
Okay, what the hell.
We'll just sell the dream house.
I suppose we could move.
We can move to London.
(audience laughing)
- You rotten, you miserable,
lowdown, you know.
- [Sam] Yes.
- How'd you find out?
- Well, Francine called me
and she told me all the news.
She seems very happy for you,
and she hopes that you're
trampled by the palace guards.
- (laughing) Well, that
sounds like Francine.
Oh, I want this job.
I really do want
it, but I don't know.
There are, there are
other things to consider.
A, you, B, the family.
- Well, no problem with A.
- [Ann] Oh, Sam.
- Listen, you know me.
Now uh, I love doing
this kind of thing,
and an architect
can work anywhere,
so what about your family?
- (sighs) Well, I
came sailing in here,
was so excited I was
practically dancing,
and I, well, I realized
I'm more tied to things
than you are, Sam (chuckles).
I'm supposed to be
in another country,
starting a brand
new life in 10 days,
but it seems sacrilegious
to just walk away
and leave everybody.
- Look uh, just
because you leave them
doesn't mean you lose them.
You never lose them as
long as you remember them.
You know, here.
- [Ann] What's that?
- Phone, phone book.
- [Ann] Yeah.
- Yes, movers, movers,
movers, movers.
Charlie the mover.
I think we can trust Charlie.
(audience laughing)
Here you go.
Well, take it, take it.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, oh, I see you're
almost packed.
- Yes, just sorting
through a few things.
- Yeah well, I brought you
some magazines for the flight.
- Oh, that's nice.
- American Home, Family
Circle, Ladies Home Journal.
- Thank you, Mom.
- American Hockey and Arena.
- Thanks, Mom.
- American Laundry Digest.
- Thanks, Mom.
- American Kennel.
Annie, I want you to know
I understand your decision.
I cried all night, but
I'm fine now, I really am.
(audience laughing)
- [Ann] Well, good, Mom.
Come on, won't
you come over here,
and help me sort
through some things, okay.
- Okay, okay.
- All right, come on.
Oh look, you know what this is?
- What?
- These are letters from the
kids from Camp Bartholomew.
Remember they used to call
it Camp Barfalot (chuckles)?
"Dear Mom, we
took a hike to the lake
"and I saw some butterflies,
"and I think I
heard a rattlesnake,
"and I brushed my
teeth every night.
"Love, Barbara, your daughter."
(Ann laughs loudly)
Ah, it's from Julie.
"Dear Mom, we have to write
home everyday, love Julie."
(audience laughing)
- Anyway, I'm fine now.
(audience laughing)
Although, I cried all night.
- Thank you, Mom, you told me.
(doorbell ringing)
Ah here, hold on
to these, will you?
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- [Ann] Hi, what're
you two doing here?
- Well, we thought we'd come
by and see if we could help.
- Actually, we came by to
see what we could pillage.
- (laughing) Well, it's
all going into storage.
Take whatever you want.
- Really?
- [Mark] Oh Barbie,
you like this lamp?
- Yeah.
- Nah, it's too gauche.
- Well, how about the desk?
- Nah, you don't wanna
break up a gauche set.
(audience laughing)
- That's not funny.
That was my desk once.
- Before she got good stuff.
(audience laughing)
- That's not funny either.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm just not myself today.
I cried all night.
(audience laughing)
- Mom.
- So did Barbara.
- Oh, Mark.
Okay, I cried half the night.
Look, I know it's a
wonderful opportunity for you,
but I'm, I'm gonna
miss you a lot.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
Tell ya a secret.
I cried last night too.
- Oh, good, good.
(audience laughing)
Then that means you have doubts.
- Mom, you always told
me to set a goal and go for it.
- That was when I
was potty training you.
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
I'll get that.
- Moving men.
(audience laughing)
- Listen now, Ms.
Romano, let me ask you.
Be okay maybe,
if tomorrow I come down
to the airport see you off?
- [Ann] Of course.
- I thought I'd ask, you know.
I mean, nobody invited
me, so I thought I'd ask.
- [Ann] Oh Schneider,
come on, I just, I assumed.
- It's all right, it's okay.
Hey, I'll see ya tomorrow
down at the airport,
if I have time.
It could be a very busy day.
(audience laughing)
- Hello Romano.
Well, you certainly put
me in a difficult position.
Dissolving a partnership
and buying you out
takes a lot more time
than I have time for.
You know, Schneider
didn't even say hello to me.
- He's upset.
- Oh, that explains it.
Well, you've made a
very precipitous move
which puts me in a very
uncomfortable position.
Ah, sign there,
and that lawyer of yours keeps
undressing me with his eyes.
Oh, sign there and there.
You're not signing.
- I'm reading.
- Well, I've been thinking
of getting Ed McWarder
to replace you.
He's short, so he'll fit
great behind your desk.
(audience laughing)
How, how about Graham Tuttleman.
Oh, no no, he does
write great copy,
but he's in love with me.
(chuckles) That never works.
- Have you ever thought
about taking in a woman?
- Not once.
(audience laughing)
- Well, all signed.
- Oh.
- I guess this makes Romano
and Webster, Webster Inc.
Here you go.
Bye, good luck,
I really mean it.
- Well, I wish you
every success, Ann.
I, of course, will
get along fine.
Say hello to Prince
Charles for me.
- I'll do that.
Not Diana, just Prince Charles.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Annie, I really
am gonna miss you.
Oh, I hate myself
for displays like this,
but what the hell.
- [Ann] It was a
good partnership.
- Yeah, well I uh, I will
see you at the airport,
and uh, I am gonna
miss you, really.
I'll look at your desk and
wonder until my dying day
how you got that job
in London and not me.
(audience laughing)
Oh, let me, let me
help you with that.
(audience laughing)
- Well, this could be a
momentous occasion.
It's your last American
hamburger and malted.
- Great, thank you.
Well, tell me,
was it tough saying
goodbye down at the office?
- Well, my secretary
was hysterical.
I think she was counting
on having my baby.
(Ann laughs loudly)
(audience laughing)
- I saw you bringing
that food up here, Royer.
I'll thank you not to
slop it around, okay?
I mean, when you come in here
you found this place immaculate,
and I would hope that
you would be nice enough
to leave it that way, okay?
- He's been delightful
like this all day.
- Schneider, we're busy.
- Schneider, we're busy.
Schneider, we're (chuckles).
Let me tell you something, okay?
When I was in the ninth grade
I had to read this book, right,
about two cities
where one guy see,
he gave up his life
so that the other guy
could run away
with the girl, right,
and all the time there
was this little old lady,
she was sitting down, she
was knitting a sweater, right?
While the good guy was
getting his head chopped off,
and nobody, nobody
said thank you.
(audience laughing)
True story.
(audience laughing)
- Touching little allegory.
(audience laughing)
Didn't make much sense,
but he told it rather
well, don't you think?
- Leave him alone.
It wasn't senseless.
It was, it was Schneider.
I didn't talk to him.
I didn't explain
anything to him.
I never said thank you to him
for all the help he's been
to Julie and Barbara and me.
He loves us and we love him,
and I will never forget
him as long as I live.
No matter where
I am in this world
I will see that silly grin
and that tool belt of his,
and I'll miss him, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I'm uh, I'm gonna
miss both of you two.
Yeah, you too, Royer.
I mean, I just can't tell ya
how this place wreaks
of memories for me.
The hours that I spent
walking back and
forth in this apartment.
I mean, when Julie ran away.
When Barbara came
up here with that guy
that handcuffed
himself to that pole.
Then that string of winners
that you brought up to this
apartment over the years, right?
I mean, what're we
talking about here?
We're talking about the
race car driver, the kid lawyer.
We can talk about
the construction guy,
the airline pilot, the
maestro with the cape.
We're talking about
that terrible comic
with those terrific
jokes, right?
(Sam clears throat)
- Schneider uh, you know,
in a way I'm gonna miss you.
(audience laughing)
- What I'm trying to say, Royer,
is that none of those jerks
were good enough for her,
and neither are you.
(audience laughing)
But uh, apparently,
you come the closest.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Schneider,
and uh look, we don't
have to think of this as
au revoir, or
sayonara, astalavista.
- That's fine by me.
Just uh, just think
of it as um, goodbye.
(audience laughing)
- Right.
(doorbell ringing)
Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi, Sam.
- Well, been doing
a little redecorating?
- I like it, it's simple.
- Hi, where's Annie?
- Oh, I left her
with the babysitter.
I didn't think you could
take another goodbye.
- Yeah uh, Grandma
will be here shortly.
She's making up a
guilt package for you.
(audience laughing)
- What now?
She already sent over a
lock of everybody's hair.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I guess you know
how much I'm gonna miss you.
I think it's great that you
and Dad are so happy.
Makes it a lot
easier to let you go.
Does that make any sense at all?
- Makes sense to me.
- I love you, Annie.
- Well uh, you wanna give
me a hand with the luggage?
- [Sam] Sure.
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
You know, I had
been thinking about
giving my car to
you and Barbara,
but now I'm not sure.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, well, it's about
that time shorty.
- I guess so.
I'm gonna miss you.
- Oh, I'm gonna miss you too.
You've been a real
shoulder to lean on for me.
- [Ann] Oh, thank you.
- [Max] I'm sorry I didn't
do a better job with Julie.
- I'm sorry I didn't do
a better job with Julie.
- Come on, you
know I love you, right?
- [Ann] Oh, me too, you.
- Yeah, and you
owe me $10,000.00.
- (chuckles) What?
- Well, I said that I thought
the Raiders would win,
and you said and I quote,
"I'll bet you $10,000.00."
- (laughing) Why do you
think I'm skipping town?
(both laughing)
- Why do I suddenly
miss Julie so much?
- Oh, I think it's because
she's gone and I'm going,
and it's the first time the three
of us have been separated.
- Hi everybody.
You're having a cry.
(audience laughing)
Don't you dare cry without me.
(audience laughing)
I have something for you.
- What?
- A message from
your granddaughter.
- Ah, the guilt package.
(Annie chattering)
- Clear as a bell.
(audience laughing)
She said, how can you leave me?
I'm trying to hold
back my tiny little tears.
(audience laughing)
(Annie chattering)
- I know what that was.
That was Grandma
doesn't wanna say goodbye.
Come on Grandma, why don't
you ride with me to the airport.
- Thanks, Mom.
- I love you.
- Unless you have some
more guilt you wanna lay on her.
- I'll think of
something on the way.
(audience laughing)
- I don't think I want
anybody else moving in here.
Too many of my memories.
- Oh boy, there sure are
a lot of memories here.
You were 15 (chuckles).
- Remember this (giggles)?
I came home just (giggles).
Mom, Mom, I made the team!
- I sure do, it was
your first day at school.
You were such a baby.
Oh boy, oh look at you now.
You're so beautiful.
All grown up and married.
- Yeah well, look at you.
You're so beautiful, all
grown up and married.
- I love you so much.
- I love you.
- [Ann] Oh, I love you, baby.
- I'm gonna miss you.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- [Barbara] Well, look at you.
- [Ann] Well Schneider,
don't you look nice.
- Well uh, you don't uh,
you don't say goodbye to
people that you have feeling for,
by you know dressing
up in sackcloth and ashes.
I mean uh, you tell them how
you feel by taking a shower,
and putting on clean underwear.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider (giggles).
- You know, I tell ya,
over the years I uh,
I sometimes, I may
have uh, you know uh,
lots of times I just uh.
Please always remember
and don't ever forget
that I love you Annie.
(Ann crying)
- Come on, we better go.
- Yeah, yes, you're right,
you're right, I'm coming.
Okay uh, sit down, both of ya.
I uh, I wanna talk to ya.
Uh, when your father and
I broke up I was scared,
but I have learned a lot today.
From now on we
level with each other.
I don't know everything.
Uh, maybe I don't know anything,
but I'm trying.
So uh, stick with me, huh?
We'll make it, I promise.
I love you and you.
(audience applauding)
("This Is It" by Polly Cutter)