One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 22 - Another Man's Shoes - full transcript

When his brother dies, Schneider decides to move there to take care of his niece and nephew. It's hard, but then Ann, Barbara and Julie are all gone and thus the series ends. Schneider will be taking life himself 'One Day at a Time.'

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ Well this is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doin' what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at at
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ One day at a time

(doorbell ringing)

- Hi, Schneider, come on in.

I got your message
at the office.

It sounded like an emergency.

- Oh, is it ever.

Have you got my
plane ticket to Daytona?

- Yes, it's right here.

You're gonna have to take a
bus to Morgan Beach, though.

I have it all arranged for you.

You know, I thought your
brother lived in Secaucus.

- No, that's where
the funeral was.

Did I thank you for sending
those lovely flowers?

- [Barbara] Yes, you did.

- I tell ya, you know,

something you never get used to.

Your own brother passin' away.

When we were just
little kids I remember

I used to beat him up
two, three times a week.

Since then for some
reason we've drifted apart.

(audience laughing)

- Why the rush to Morgan Beach?

- His two kids are still there!

I'm tellin' ya, it's nothin'
but a great, big mess.

- Oh, I thought
they went to live with

their aunt in Oregon.

- So did I, because those
were the arrangements I made!

But they haven't
left Morgan Beach.

So I call this woman
down there who's supposed

to be taking care
of the whole thing

to find out why and
she tells me that the kids

have told her that
the aunt up in Oregon

is living in a
convalescent home and I

am an irresponsible drunk.

I know what the
kids are trying to do.

They just don't want to leave.

But I have to fly
down to Florida now,

walk a white line for some
woman I've never met.

- [Barbara] Well, good luck.

- Yeah, yeah, thanks a lot, hon.

- Yeah, okay, bye.

- For everything
and do me a favor.

Hold onto this check
till Tuesday, Wednesday.

(audience laughing)

- Uh.

There you go.

- Listen, which
one of you guys...

- Jackie, where have you been?

I want some more coffee.

- Get your own coffee.

Do I look like Mrs. Olson?

(audience laughing)

- She's in one of her moods.

(bell ringing)

- Okay, listen up.

Whoever parked their
car in my parking place

has five seconds to move it

or I'm gonna have
Clifford toss it in the ocean.

Right, Clifford?

- Right.

What's it look like?

- Blue with no front bumper.

- Blue?

It's got no front bumper.

It's mine.

(audience laughing)

- The kid needs a job.

- What's wrong
with this machine?

I put a quarter
in, I get nothing.

- Okay, okay, hold your horses.

I gotta move my car first.

It's gonna be one of those days.

Mr. Teller, watch
the cash register.

Pete, watch Mr. Teller.

(audience laughing)

(bell ringing)

- Well, here we are, sir.

- What are we doing here?

- You said 17 Boardwalk.

- Well, I'm a
little bit confused.

I was expecting an apartment.

- Oh, that's a problem.

A lot of guys say they get
confused riding back there.

- Yeah, well, I'm sure that's
the way God planned it.

- [Cassie] Hi, Mr. Teller.

- [Mr. Teller] Hi, Cassie.

- Hi, I'm looking for
Laurie and Keith Schneider.

- Oh, you're the
uncle we're expecting.

- Oh, I'm so glad you
decided to take my cab.

You're very wise not to drive
with your drinking problem.

- I don't have a
drink... (pager beeping)

- Oh, I got a customer.

See you later.

- So you have a
drinking problem?

- No, I don't!

I don't have a drinking problem.

- Listen, you can trust me.

I used to be a locksmith.

Retired now.

But let me tell ya.

If you want to see life,
see it through a keyhole.

(audience laughing)

- Let me ask you a question.

Do the kids have an
apartment here or not?

- Yeah, upstairs,
but they're in school.

You've got a mean
streak, don't you?

Of course, booze'll
do that, you know.

- That's what I hear.

Of course, I don't use it.

- Ha ha.

- Let me ask you, you know
somebody called Jackie Cahill?

- Yup.

- Yeah, I spoke to her on
the phone about the kids.

She's got a voice sounds
like a change maker

on the Jersey turnpike.

- Now I gotta fix
that stupid machine!

- That's the voice.

How did it ever get
in a body like that?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, spit.

This whole place
is falling apart.

- Jackie Cahill?

- The check's in the mail.

- I'm, I'm Dwayne Schneider.

- Oh, yeah.

- I'm not a drunk.

- Okay, okay.

I'm glad you finally got here.

- Finally got here?

I shouldn't have
to be here at all.

I mean, it's like I
told ya on the phone.

All you had to do was put the
kids on a plane to their aunt.

- I was not gonna
put the kids the plane

because some voice
on the phone says so.

Especially with giggling and
castanets in the background.

(audience laughing)

- Can we get on
with this, please?

I mean, I just spent
$358 to come down here

and straighten this thing out.

Now, I'm not a drunk.

What do you want
me to do to prove it?

You want me to
walk a white line?

You got a piece of chalk?

You want me to touch
my fingers to my nose?

You want me to blow a balloon?

Give me a blow up,
no, forget the balloon.

Forget that.

How about this?

Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled peppers.

Ha, pickled peppers.

- Very good.
- Yeah.

- You know anything
about machines?

- Yes, I, here.

Give me the screwdriver.

Well, you're handlin'
it like a woman.

- No kidding?

And here I thought
I was an antelope.

- You're not an antelope.

There you go.

The fradle was just bent
a little bit past the vertical.

- Terrific.

The fradle.

- [Dwayne] Bent a little past...

- Ah, listen.

I didn't really believe the
kids about you and the aunt.

But I wasn't gonna
put them on the plane

until I was damn sure
there was somebody

responsible on the other end.

I love those kids.

- All right, okay,
you can relax, okay?

Because they're
gonna have a great time

up there with their aunt.

- Are you sure?

I can't even get
her on the phone.

At least you're here.

Have you thought
about taking them?

- Me?

Mrs. Cahill.

- Miss.

- Miss.

I never even spoke to
my brother for the last

15 years of his life.

I don't know those kids.

I've been a
bachelor for 30 years.

What am I gonna teach two kids?

How to live alone?

(audience laughing)

(bell ringing)

- Hi.

- [Kid] Mr. Teller.

- [Mr. Teller] How
you doin', kids?

- Lori, Keith!

- Hi, Jackie.

- How was school today?

- Great.

- Hi, Jackie.

- Look who's here!

Your Uncle Schneider.

- Hey. (laughing)

(crying) (audience laughing)

- Now look what you did.

You made her cry.


(dog barking)

- Kids and dogs, they got
an instinct about people.

- Shame on you.

- I'll go talk to them.

- Hold it, wait a second,
okay, would you, please?

I'll go talk to them.

It's my problem,
I'll talk to them.

(dog barking)

Dwayne, shut up.

- Dwayne?

The dog's name is Dwayne?

- Your brother named him.

- Obviously a thoroughbred.

(audience laughing)

- [Zorina] Beat it!

- Oh, gee!

Look out with that
broom there, will ya?

Will you get that
thing away from me?

- Listen, you buzz off, buster.

- Uh, Zee Zee, he's the uncle.

- Huh, is he sober?

- Who is this person?

- That's Countess Zorina.

She owns the fortune
telling booth next door.

She's related to St. Nicholas.

- Czar Nicholas.

(audience laughing)

- Hi, well look,
Countess Zanini.

- Zorini!

- Zorina.

- Zorina, look.

The thing is I came a
long way here, you know,

to talk to those kids,

so if you don't mind,

I'm gonna go head up the stairs.

- Bolshevik.

(audience laughing)



- Keith? Lori!


Come on, kids.

You gotta talk to me sometime.



- [Keith] Come on in.

- Well.

This is a nice place here.

- We like it.

- We like it.

(audience laughing)

- It's our home.

- It's our home.

- Yeah, well, why don't we,

why don't we all just come
on over here, sit down,

try to be friends?

- Why?

(audience laughing)

- Because I'm your uncle.

I mean, I even
look like your father.

- You're shorter and older.

(audience laughing)

- Honesty is a good
trait, sometimes.

Look, kids.

You gotta go live
with your aunt.

- Bull spit.

- [Dwayne] You gotta go!

- Why?

- [Dwayne] Because I said so!

- Double spit.

(audience laughing)

- Let's pack some bags, huh?

We gotta go catch a plane.

- We want to live here.

- Aunt Mildred's a grouch
and she always yells at us!

- And she makes us go to church.

- It's good for ya.

- [Lori] Four time a week?

(audience laughing)

- Look, I met
her at the funeral.

She seems to be a
very, very nice lady.

- She doesn't
want us, I can tell.

I'm psychic like Zee Zee.

- Two kids can't
live alone, all right?

- [Keith] We have friends.

- You mean those
weirdos downstairs?

- Hey, they are not weirdos.

- Yes, they are.

- Well, they're nice weirdos.

Look it, Zee Zee
cooks our meals,

Jackie takes care of the place.

- And Clifford helps
with our studies.

- And Cassie takes us
everywhere in her pedicab.

- She's real sweet and nice.

- She's really built, too.

(audience laughing)

- I don't wanna
hear that kind of talk.

- I'm 12, I know about girls.

- So do I.

(audience laughing)

- Eh!



- What do you see?

What's going on up there?

- It's not clear.

The crystal ball is foggy.

- Do you want me to
get you some Windex?

- Eh, here it is.

It's clearing, I see.

Man and two children

in a room.

- I can see that much
lookin' at my hot dog.

(audience laughing)

- [Jackie] Leave her alone.

Sometimes she's right.

- They're talking.

- What are they saying?

- Is he gonna take
'em away from us?

- Shh!

It's getting clearer.

I see,

I see,

I see a beautiful young girl

frolicking through the palace,

the Petrograd.

It's me!

(audience laughing)

- Look it, Mr. Schneider.

I've made a decision.

My dad and mom are gone.

And the way I see it,

that leaves me as
the head of this house.

- [Lori] Right.

- So thank you very
much for dropping by,

but I've decided
we're gonna stay.

- Keith, I hear
what you're saying,

and I'm very, very proud of you

for thinkin' that way.

But we gotta get a few
things straightened out, okay?

Sit down.

Come on, both of you.

Let's sit down, come on.

All right, now here's the deal.

You can't stay here forever.

You're minors.

You don't work, you
don't have any money.

- Zee Zee's teaching
me to read tarot cards.

- And I made 26 bucks last week

playing games in the arcade.

The place is full of suckers.

(audience laughing)

- This is great.

I've got a swami and a hustler.

(audience laughing)

The point I'm trying to make,

you need one person
to be responsible for ya,

not a circus.

That's the law.

And that person, I mean, should
be a member of your family.

So it's all settled, right?

You're gonna go live with
your aunt up in Oregon.

- Why her?

I mean, I'd even
rather go live with you.

- No, you wouldn't!

- See, he doesn't
want us, either.

- [Dwayne] Oh, Lori.

- It's okay.

No sweat.

I mean, welfare department
said they'd find us a home.

- The welfare department?

- Yeah, our principal
called them today.

Little orphan Lori.

(audience laughing)

- Never mind that
little orphan Lori.

The welfare department
is nosing around now?

I mean, don't you
see it's clear now?

I mean, you really
do have to go live

with your aunt in Oregon.

- I just got a telegram
from a Reverend Hazelteen.

Their Aunt Mildred's in jail

for embezzling church funds!

(audience laughing)

- Oh my God, she couldn't
wait one more week?

I'd a had this all wrapped up.

- Thank you, Mr. Schneider.

Thank you from
all of us for letting

the kids stay here.

- They ain't stayin' here.

- Zorina saw it
in her crystal ball!

- They're comin' with me.

- My good ball
is at the cleaners.

(audience laughing)

- All right, the aunt
is out of the question

and I certainly ain't
gonna let 'em go

with the welfare department,

so I guess that means that
I'm stuck with 'em, hmm?

- I wouldn't
exactly call it stuck.

You're talking about
two wonderful kids.

- They're great,
they're terrific.

I said I was gonna take 'em.

I'm gonna take 'em!

- When?

- As soon as I can
get plane tickets.

As soon as I call the
apartment and make sure

that a certain
party I left in charge

of the premises has
vacated the premises

before I arrive there.

- Tell 'em he can't
take 'em, Jackie.

- He's family.

They belong to him.

- Lori?


- [Jackie] It's her place.

She always sits there
when she's unhappy.

- What happens
if that thing starts?

I mean, she could get hurt.

- It hasn't worked
in three years.

You have to oil the
gears from Transylvania.

(audience laughing)

- Why don't you
get the owner to fix

some of this stuff around here?

- I am the owner.

- Gee, I'm sorry.

- So am I.

This place is barely paying off.

- Yeah, well,
that's your problem.

But if you want to take
some advice, okay?

Maybe you get rid of
some of these strange

people around here
like that Countess Zorini

or whatever the
hell her name is.

That's a looney tune.

- She's my mother.

(audience laughing)

- Look, it's not that I
don't want the kids.

It's I'm not geared for them.

I mean, you know
what I'm geared for.

- Yeah.

Well, keep your
gears in neutral.

(audience laughing)

- Jackie?

You got trouble.

Some guy put a quarter
in the claw machine

and got the wrist watch.

- The wrist watch?

It was supposed
to be wired down.

(audience laughing)

(can crinkling)

- You be good to those kids.

- Oh yes.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, everybody.

It's the going away party,

so try to be cheerful!

- You know, I could
adopt Keith and Lori

if I could find another husband.

Somebody young

and strong

and silent.

(audience laughing)

- You know, I tossed
and turned all last night

thinking what could
a top flight locksmith

do to help these kids.

- [Zorina] And?

- Nothing occurred to me.

But it woke up my wife.

She thought I
wanted to make love.

Gave her quite a start.

(audience laughing)

(bell ringing)

- [Zorina] Bernard, just
open the damn door!

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

My mother phoned from Boston.

Somebody told her
they saw me down here

peddling for a living.

I don't know why
she was so upset.

I told her it was
good, healthy exercise

and she just got madder.

(audience laughing)

- [Jackie] Here they come!

- Come on.

- It's the mustache.

He looks like Hitler.

(audience laughing)

- [Jackie] Come on,
everybody, sit down.

- [Dwayne] Yeah, up here.

- [Jackie] Hey kids, I've
got your favorite meal!

Ice cream and cake!

- I'm not very hungry.

- Sure you are.

- Come on, eat up.

- [Zorina] Good
morning, Mr. Schneider.

- Hey, hey, how are you
there, Countess Zorina.



- See that line?

That's your flight line.

You shouldn't fly today!

- Nice try, but we're leaving.

I gotta get back to work.

- Here, for your trip I got you
a Tom Selleck coloring book.

- All right, thanks.

- And I got you that fishing
reel you've always wanted.

- Thank you, Mr. Teller.

- Sure.

- Why, it's my sun lamp.

You're gonna need it.

- Thanks, Clifford.

- Thanks, Bernard.

- Yes, thank you.

Could you please
put this in the pedicab?

- It's not wrapped
too good. (laughing)

- It's hard to wrap love.

- What kind of a joint is this?

Your toilet took my last dime

and wouldn't let
me through the door.

- Here's a dime.

Try the House of Mirrors.

Where are all the maintenance
men when you need them?

- You're a maintenance man,
aren't you, Mr. Schneider?

- Yeah, but I don't
have time to fix a john.

Now come on, say
goodbye to everybody.

We gotta get movin'.

- Listen to me.


(bell ringing)

Shut up!

(audience laughing)

Mr. Schneider, how
would you like a job?

- Where, here?

- Of course here!

I'm not talking about
the Rand Corporation.

It's the answer.

I need a maintenance man.

The kids need a father,

and everybody wants
them to stay here.

(group talking excitedly)

- Hold it, hold it.

Hold it!

I got a job.

- In a beat up, old
apartment building.

- It's not a beat
up, old building.

- It has rats.

- She just made that up.

- I saw them in a vision.

- Oh, thank you very much.

See what you've done, Countess?

- I saw them, too.

- If you work here, you get
a discount on pedicab rides.

- Hey, Schneider.

You got friends here.

- Yeah, we all
liked you right away.

- Please, Mr. Schneider?

- Uncle Schneider.

- Uncle Schneider?

- Let me tell ya
that this is absurd.

I am not getting
railroaded into anything.

Put that down.

(audience laughing)

- Real hunk of man.

Right, Jackie?

- Mother.

There's a big opportunity here.

This place could
really be something.

- I don't want to
hear of opportunities.

I got my own opportunities.

I also have my
own responsibilities.

- That's right!

These two kids!

I didn't mean to shout.

(audience laughing)

- I know I got the two kids.

I also have a whole
building full of tenants.

And I don't have to take
no orders from no lady.

- She's no lady.

- Mom!

- Could be some
side benefits here.

- Mother, for god's sakes.

- Well, you're not
getting any younger.

- The whole boardwalk
needs a maintenance man.

- You could even fix
the merry-go-round

your brother couldn't fix.

- Yeah, we've got
everything here.

Lots of fishing, pretty
girls, warm climate.

- Like being on a
constant vacation.

You could be semi-retired.

- Sure, you're semi-old.

(audience laughing)

- I'll tell ya what's really
important, young fella.

It's kids.

Now mine have grown
up and moved away,

but they call and they
write, they come visit.

The love goes on forever.

- [Dwayne] What?

- Here, Uncle Schneider.

- [Dwayne] Oh geez, what's this?

- It's Daddy's tool belt.

You could wear it.

- You could let it
out a notch or two.

- All right, here we go.

Now look, folks.

Even if I wanted to,

I can't just pick up stakes,

move to some other
city just like that.

- You want us to.

- I mean, this place is
obviously a big challenge and all,

but I mean, what
you're askin' me to do,

that requires an
awful lot of thinking,

and I just, you know,
I don't have the time.

I gotta get back to work.

- Hold it!

While you think about it, why
don't you leave them here?

(group agreeing excitedly)

- You see what's happening?

You're startin' to
order me around.

- [Jackie] I am not.

- Oh yeah, oh yeah.

You, you like to boss
me around, I think.

- Well, it's not easy.

Okay, I'm asking you.

Would you please
maybe consider the notion

of possibly leaving
the kids here

while you consider it, please?

- I see groveling.
(audience laughing)

- Mother.

- Well, I tell ya,

I tell ya what I'm gonna do.

Okay, you know
what I'm gonna do?

- What?

- I'm gonna leave the kids here.

(group excitedly talking)

But only because

I decided to do it.

Not because it was your idea.

- Reminds me of
your third husband.

(audience laughing)

- [Dwayne Voiceover] Do I
move them here or don't I?

It may be different if
all my adopted family

was still here.

Miss Romano,
she's gone to London.

Julie, Barbara, Mark and Max.

They're all moved
out, they're gone.

Keith, he's a tough little dude.

He needs a haircut.

Ah, Lori, she
don't need nothin'.

You could eat her up.

God, my brother's own kids.

Flesh, my flesh.

Bone of my bone.

What's happening here?

Why did I get stuck
with these kids?

Kids are trouble,
everybody knows this.

You want to talk trouble?

Talk trouble, huh?

How about that Jackie?

I mean, she's a
great-lookin' chic,

but that dump she owns,

that qualifies for
a disaster loan.

And those people
down there with her,

they should be
taken off the street.

It sure is nice
down there, though.

Oh, it's nice, nice and warm.

What am I gonna do?

Am I gonna give up
everything I got here?

- Hello.

Hi, Jackie, it's Dwayne.

Dwayne Schneider.


Listen, ah, tell
Keith to get a haircut.

Yeah, I'll be comin'
down next week.

Cassie cuts his hair?

I'm leavin' tonight.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(upbeat playful music)

(upbeat synth music)