One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 20 - The Nearness of You - full transcript
Working with her brother-in-law sparks something between him and Barbara.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
- Okay, give me twin
bedded room on the 18th
with the ocean view, please.
Oh, come on Mr. Computer.
Don't just sit
there looking blank.
Look, I need this reservation
or I'm gonna lose a
very important client.
(whistles)
Yoohoo!
Okay, I know what
it is that you want.
You computers are all the same.
You give me this reservation
and I'll spend
the night with you.
- I knew it.
The minute I turn my back,
you're fooling around
with the computer.
- I'm trying to get the
Cromwell reservation.
- Oh, maybe I can help.
- Go for it.
- Come on you beautiful doll.
Give me a room.
- You got it!
- Of course.
You were fooling around
with a computer named Rhoda.
- Oh, lunch!
I'm starved.
- Lunch.
- Tapioca pudding.
Strained carrots,
diapers, what is this?
- I went to the market.
I knew I had to get
some things for the baby
and I forgot lunch.
I'm sorry, I'll go back.
- No, no, no, that's okay.
That's okay, we'll eat this.
You are a terrific
father and mother, Max,
but a lousy lunch go getter.
Thanks anyway.
- Sure.
- Okay, this is what
we're gonna do.
I'm gonna take
the tapioca pudding
and you can have your choice
between strained
carrots and the diapers.
- I'm thinking.
- You know, Max, I
really like working with you
but my husband feeds me better.
- Well, I like what I see.
Having lunch in the
office, that's dedication.
- Good, then how about a raise?
- You're joking, I like that.
- Oh, Mr. Gonagin.
We got your confirmation
on your trip to Zihuatanejo.
- I was afraid this
would happen.
- How can you say that?
A free trip to check
out the newest
and best hotel in Mexico?
- If I have to sip
one more margarita
sitting on catamaran
watching a golden sunset,
I'm gonna throw up.
- Some people really
have to sacrifice.
- You know, Mr. Gonagin,
if you really don't wanna go,
you could send one of
your worthy employees.
- Or the other one.
- That's a good idea.
But who have I got
besides you two?
- There's no answer to that.
- I know.
He's smarter than he looks.
(telephone rings)
- Don't bother, I'll get it.
Gonagin Travel.
Yes, Mrs. Corcoran,
hold on one minute.
The safari trip, I forgot
she was calling today.
- I got you covered.
Here you go.
- Oh Max, you're
an angel, thank you.
Okay, Mrs. Corcoran,
we have it right here.
You are going from
Rome to Nairobi
to your confirmation
in Tree Tops.
Animals?
Yes, of course there's animals.
Plenty, there's monkeys.
And there's elephants.
And unicorns.
No, not unicorns, I was joking.
Rhinos, rhinos.
That's right.
My pleasure.
Have a good time, bye bye.
Crazy, but thank you.
- [Mr. Gonagin] Barbara.
- Yeah, what?
- You know where the
Norwegian cruise line office is?
- Down at the end of the mall.
- Right, there's a little
delicatessen right next door.
Can you get a pastrami on rye?
No argument, huh?
- Would I win?
- No.
- No.
I'll get us one too.
- Did we get those
brochures on the Amazon trip?
Max!
- What?
- Brochures, Amazon?
- I'm sorry, Mr. Gonagin,
my mind was wondering.
- Yeah, our clients
wonder, we work.
- Right sir.
Yes, I have some work.
I have to unpack those
brochures on the Amazon trips.
- Good.
- Did you ever know a
woman who's just a friend,
a good friend,
and all of a sudden,
you were really
attracted to her?
I mean, so much so that
you wanted to just grab her
and run off to the
South Seas with her?
- Is my wife been here
asking you questions?
(audience laughs)
- No, this is
truly hypothetical.
I'm talking about a
girl that's really warm
and sweet, beautiful.
She'll come around
you and touch you
and not even know
she's turning you on.
- One lunch, that's all we had.
An old high school
friend, one lunch.
I'll tell ya, my wife
knows everything.
- What am I thinking about?
- Hi Grandma.
- [Grandma] Hi honey.
- Hi honey.
- Ah-ha.
I've been waiting for you,
my wild passionate bride.
Close your eyes, Grandma.
- Don't tell me.
You had a very sexy woman
in your dental chair today.
- How did you know?
- Just a wild guess.
- So, where's Max?
Didn't you come home together?
- No, he said he had
some things to do.
What's new, Grandma?
- Well, I met our new neighbors.
They have rats in their garage.
- Are you glad you asked?
- Yeah.
- Mark, would you help me
get the roast out of the oven?
- Yes, Grandma.
- Hi Max.
- Hi.
- Oh good, I'm glad you're here.
I worked out the
itinerary for the tennis tour.
Can you take a
look at it for me?
- Can I look at it
tomorrow please?
- Oh please, sit down.
- Look, wherever
you send them is fine.
As long as they
end up at Wimbleton.
- Max, I'm surprised at you.
That's the mistake
most Americans make.
It's not Wimbleton, it's
Wimbledon with a D.
Watch my lips.
Wimbledon.
- Hey Max.
- Oh hi mouth, Mark.
How'd it go today?
- [Mark] Fine.
- Good, no problem with
the patients or anything?
- [Mark] No.
- Oh good, it's good
to have a nice day.
I'm glad you had a nice day.
- Yeah.
- Hey Mark.
I thought you were gonna
help me carve the roast?
Well hi Max.
- Hi Grandma, I'll help
you carve the roast.
- No, no, no, I'm the dentist.
I'll do the carving.
Calling Dr. McDougal, Dr. Royer.
- Max, the itinerary,
will you sit down please?
- Barbara, I don't wanna
sit down next to you.
- For heaven's sake,
you're worse than Mark.
Okay, call it Wimbleton,
I really don't care.
- Ah look, I know
this isn't the right time
but it's never the
right time, right?
So here goes.
Nah, it's not the right time.
I mean I have no
reason to tell you.
I'm the only one
that knows about it
so the wise thing to do is
just keep my mouth shut.
- Fine, I'm glad
you didn't mention it.
It might have got
my curiosity up.
(telephone rings)
I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh hi Mr. Gonagin.
Yeah.
You're kidding?
You're not kidding?
That's wonderful.
Oh yes, of course we'll go.
Thank you, yeah I'll tell him.
Bye.
You're never gonna guess.
He says he's been
thinking about us
and he appreciates how
hard we've been working
so as a reward, he is
sending us, you and me,
to the opening of that
new hotel in Zihuatanejo.
We're going to Mexico, Max!
- I can't go.
- Oh, why not?
- That's why.
- Dinner's ready!
Everybody sit down.
- I'm sorry, Grandma.
I can't eat.
- [Mark] Where are you going?
- I'm going out.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What's going on?
- Dinner, go get him!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm not really hungry.
We had a fight about work.
- Mark!
- Yes, Grandma?
- Go get her.
- Yes, Grandma.
- It always happens.
Fix leftovers and
everybody sits down to eat.
Fix a nice roast and
everybody has a family fight.
What are you doing here?
- Sam's out of town,
you invited me to dinner.
- Oh, of course.
Sit down, honey, sit down.
I'm sorry.
- Mom, I hate to tell you
this but I had a big lunch.
- Eat!
- Oh, okay Mom.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry about tonight.
Let's just forget
about it, okay?
- Max, we can't forget about it.
What is this all about?
- Okay.
You excite me.
- Oh.
- Look, I've been
walking for a long time.
I'll handle this myself, okay?
Let's just talk
about it tomorrow.
- Okay, why don't we?
Let's just sleep on it.
No, not.
- Okay, okay.
- You excite him?
(audience laughs)
- Please go up to bed.
- Don't go up to bed me.
What kind of hanky-panky
is going on around here?
- Shh!
Not so loud,
nothing is happening.
- Then why are we whispering?
- Because I don't
want Mark to know.
- Well I don't blame you
if something's going
on with you and Max.
- Nothing is going on.
He kissed me while you
and Mark were in the kitchen.
- This sounds like
a bad soap opera.
- I guess ever since
Julie's been gone,
I've tried to be nice to him
but I didn't mean anything.
- Oh honey, it doesn't
have to mean anything.
Let me tell you a medical fact.
Men have more turn
on switches than a 747.
(audience laughs)
- But he's my brother-in-law.
- He's your brother-in-law, yes.
And you are a very
warm, beautiful,
affectionate touchy kissy woman.
All of the Romanos are.
The woman are touchy kissy,
the men are fanny pinchers.
(audience laughs)
- You are not any
help at all, Grandma.
- I don't know what to tell you.
When I was a young
woman, I kept things secret.
We didn't come to our
grandmothers and talk about affairs.
- We are not having an affair.
We are not having anything.
I don't wanna ignore him.
I can't.
I love working with him.
I love him, I love his baby.
God, I don't know
how this happened.
- That's just the way life is.
Yesterday, I was pushing
a cart in the market
and then I realized
that this man
was following me
around the store.
I thought it was frightening.
I walked faster, and
he walked faster.
And I started to run,
and he started to run.
Of course it turned
out that I had his cart.
(audience laughs)
(Barbara laughs)
But you see Barbara,
the point is that it was
the way he looked at me.
Honey, we must always
be aware of our femininity.
- Why?
Am I suppose to be responsible
for the way Max reacts?
This is crazy.
Mr. Gonagin wants to send
us on a trip down to Mexico
to open up a new hotel.
- You are not going, young lady.
- I know I'm not going.
- Did you tell Mark
about the trip?
- No, 'cause then he's gonna
wanna know why I'm not going.
- Are you gonna tell about Max?
- Should I?
- Yes.
In a letter to be
opened after your death.
- You wanna know
what's really disturbing?
- What?
- When he kissed me, I liked it.
Is that terrible?
- It's human.
- But I love Mark.
- I know.
- More than anything.
I always will.
- I know, I know.
- It's just it was kind of...
- I know, I know.
Oh honey, we can't
control our thoughts
but we can control
what we do about them.
- I know.
- The problem is Max.
Oh, I think he's very lonely.
(Mark yawns)
- I heard all the lights on.
(audience laughs)
You gonna stay up all night?
- No honey, I'm coming to bed.
Oh, I love you.
(audience laughs)
Morning, Grandma.
- [Grandma] Hi honey.
- Good morning, sweetheart.
- (grunts) Hi.
- You sleep well last night?
(Mark grunts)
Gee, you know, it looks
like it might rain, honey.
(Mark grunts)
- Your wife is talking to you.
- Well, I know that.
She said good morning.
- She said good
morning, sweetheart.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
Don't read the
paper, it's dangerous.
- Well, I'm just
gonna get to work.
- No, no, you got time.
Max hasn't eaten yet.
- Yeah Barbara, why
don't you sit down and eat?
I'll get going.
- No, that's okay.
I'll get going.
- How's Max gonna get to work?
- I'll take a bus.
- She's gonna take your car
and you're gonna take the bus?
- Honey, look, I have
a lot of errands to run.
I'll see you when I
get home tonight.
See ya later, everybody.
- What's going on?
- Oh, read the paper.
Max, sit down and eat something.
Well, what's in the paper?
- Oh, same ol' stuff.
Peace talks break down.
Cabinet member resigned.
Listen to this, man
kills wife and lover.
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell ya, I'm
really not hungry.
I'm just gonna go up
and say goodbye to Annie
and get to work and
have a bite there.
I'll see you later, okay?
- Bye.
- Have a good one.
- [Grandma] Bye bye.
- Bye Grandma.
- Grandma, did you
notice how strange
it was here this morning?
- Strange?
- Yeah, I can tell.
I'm very sensitive
to people's moods.
I know what it is too.
Barbara's mad at me
about forgetting something.
I know it's not our
anniversary or her birthday.
Or is it?
No, no, no.
It's probably something
silly like the anniversary
of the day we met.
Oh, I know.
I'll get her some roses.
- That is a very good idea.
- I told ya, I'm very sensitive.
- Excuse me.
- What do you want?
- The stapler.
- Well, take it.
What's the matter with you?
- Well, I don't wanna
get too close to you.
- For God's sake.
- Well Max, I'm not
quite sure what it is
that the causes the problem.
- It doesn't matter, does it?
It happened, I made
a fool out of myself.
Okay, now it's over.
It will not happen again.
So please, let's just forget it.
- Wonderful, that's
solves everything.
I mean, you grab
me and give me a kiss
that curls my toes and
then you say forget it.
- I curled your toes?
- Hi.
You'll never guess
who I met in the bus.
This is Jennifer Prescott.
You've heard me
talk of her mother.
Jennifer, I want you two
young people to meet.
Jennifer, this is Max.
- Hi, Max Horvath.
- Hi, nice to meet you, Max.
- Good, it's nice to meet.
Listen, why don't
the three of us go out
and have a cup of coffee.
Barbara can watch the store.
- Oh, I'm sorry Katherine
but I have to get to work.
- Oh, what a shame.
- Yeah.
- Jennifer's a cosmetologist.
This is her card.
She's just wonderful
at massaging temples.
- Nice to meet you, Max.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye bye.
Bye bye.
- Bye.
Listen, I wanna see your store.
- It's right up this way.
- Can we just forget the
whole thing and do our job?
- That's a good idea.
- This isn't gonna work.
- Look, we live in
the same house.
We work together, we're
around each other all the time.
You want me to move out?
I will pack up
Annie and we'll go.
- I hate that idea.
But maybe we
oughta talk about it.
- Look Barbara, I
can handle this, okay?
Now that it's out in the open.
I had my little
fantasy and that's it.
- A fantasy about me?
That's okay, I
don't wanna hear it.
- Good, 'cause I
don't wanna tell you.
- Good.
- Was it, no, I
don't wanna hear it.
- Excuse me, I don't mean
to keep popping in like this
but I met this young
lady down in the mall.
She was looking for
the drinking fountain
and I said, why use
a dirty ol' fountain
when you have
bottled water right here?
Trisha, this is Max.
Max practically
owns this agency.
- Hi Trisha.
- Really, I was just
looking for a drink of water.
(nervously laughs)
Oh, oh, there's my husband.
Don't wanna miss him.
Thanks for everything, ma'am.
Honey!
- Well, the good ones
are always married.
Well, I have some
more shopping to do.
I'll see you later.
- This is so awkward.
- [Max] Tell me about it.
- Look Max, why
don't you go to Mexico?
It might be good for you.
- Barbara, I don't
care about Mexico.
Look, when Julie left...
You've been great.
You've been caring
and affectionate.
You made me feel needed again.
You made me feel
good about myself.
I don't know what I
would've done without you.
The problem with all this is
that I don't know how much
of it is lonely and how
much of this is you.
- Max, you are one
very attractive man.
If you hadn't
met my sister first
or if I had never met Mark,
things might have
been different.
But those are only ifs.
Look, even if we
had gone to Mexico,
nothing would've happened.
- I know.
- Not only am I in love with
Mark, I'm committed to him.
- I know that too.
You couldn't be any other way.
- Thanks.
- Please forgive me.
I'm feeling pretty
lonely and I don't like it.
I just want somebody for me.
- Hi honey.
- Hi there, hey.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I just thought I'd
stop and take you to lunch.
- Yeah?
- I bought you these.
- Roses!
- Yeah.
- They're beautiful.
- Read the card.
- To my darling wife
so you'll know that I didn't
forget this special day.
- Betcha thought
I'd forget, didn't you?
(audience laughs)
- Listen, it's a good thing
you remembered, big guy,
because your wife has
a big surprise for you too.
Why don't you tell
him about it, Barb?
Oh, let me tell him.
- [Barbara] Okay.
- All right?
- Okay.
- You two are going to
Mexico courtesy of Mr. Gonagin.
- You're kidding?
Well, that's great.
Are you going too?
- No, I can't.
I have a date with this
little redhead cosmetologist.
- Oh yeah?
- So, oh no.
Tell her I'm not here, okay?
Just tell her I'm not here.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(cheerful music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
- Okay, give me twin
bedded room on the 18th
with the ocean view, please.
Oh, come on Mr. Computer.
Don't just sit
there looking blank.
Look, I need this reservation
or I'm gonna lose a
very important client.
(whistles)
Yoohoo!
Okay, I know what
it is that you want.
You computers are all the same.
You give me this reservation
and I'll spend
the night with you.
- I knew it.
The minute I turn my back,
you're fooling around
with the computer.
- I'm trying to get the
Cromwell reservation.
- Oh, maybe I can help.
- Go for it.
- Come on you beautiful doll.
Give me a room.
- You got it!
- Of course.
You were fooling around
with a computer named Rhoda.
- Oh, lunch!
I'm starved.
- Lunch.
- Tapioca pudding.
Strained carrots,
diapers, what is this?
- I went to the market.
I knew I had to get
some things for the baby
and I forgot lunch.
I'm sorry, I'll go back.
- No, no, no, that's okay.
That's okay, we'll eat this.
You are a terrific
father and mother, Max,
but a lousy lunch go getter.
Thanks anyway.
- Sure.
- Okay, this is what
we're gonna do.
I'm gonna take
the tapioca pudding
and you can have your choice
between strained
carrots and the diapers.
- I'm thinking.
- You know, Max, I
really like working with you
but my husband feeds me better.
- Well, I like what I see.
Having lunch in the
office, that's dedication.
- Good, then how about a raise?
- You're joking, I like that.
- Oh, Mr. Gonagin.
We got your confirmation
on your trip to Zihuatanejo.
- I was afraid this
would happen.
- How can you say that?
A free trip to check
out the newest
and best hotel in Mexico?
- If I have to sip
one more margarita
sitting on catamaran
watching a golden sunset,
I'm gonna throw up.
- Some people really
have to sacrifice.
- You know, Mr. Gonagin,
if you really don't wanna go,
you could send one of
your worthy employees.
- Or the other one.
- That's a good idea.
But who have I got
besides you two?
- There's no answer to that.
- I know.
He's smarter than he looks.
(telephone rings)
- Don't bother, I'll get it.
Gonagin Travel.
Yes, Mrs. Corcoran,
hold on one minute.
The safari trip, I forgot
she was calling today.
- I got you covered.
Here you go.
- Oh Max, you're
an angel, thank you.
Okay, Mrs. Corcoran,
we have it right here.
You are going from
Rome to Nairobi
to your confirmation
in Tree Tops.
Animals?
Yes, of course there's animals.
Plenty, there's monkeys.
And there's elephants.
And unicorns.
No, not unicorns, I was joking.
Rhinos, rhinos.
That's right.
My pleasure.
Have a good time, bye bye.
Crazy, but thank you.
- [Mr. Gonagin] Barbara.
- Yeah, what?
- You know where the
Norwegian cruise line office is?
- Down at the end of the mall.
- Right, there's a little
delicatessen right next door.
Can you get a pastrami on rye?
No argument, huh?
- Would I win?
- No.
- No.
I'll get us one too.
- Did we get those
brochures on the Amazon trip?
Max!
- What?
- Brochures, Amazon?
- I'm sorry, Mr. Gonagin,
my mind was wondering.
- Yeah, our clients
wonder, we work.
- Right sir.
Yes, I have some work.
I have to unpack those
brochures on the Amazon trips.
- Good.
- Did you ever know a
woman who's just a friend,
a good friend,
and all of a sudden,
you were really
attracted to her?
I mean, so much so that
you wanted to just grab her
and run off to the
South Seas with her?
- Is my wife been here
asking you questions?
(audience laughs)
- No, this is
truly hypothetical.
I'm talking about a
girl that's really warm
and sweet, beautiful.
She'll come around
you and touch you
and not even know
she's turning you on.
- One lunch, that's all we had.
An old high school
friend, one lunch.
I'll tell ya, my wife
knows everything.
- What am I thinking about?
- Hi Grandma.
- [Grandma] Hi honey.
- Hi honey.
- Ah-ha.
I've been waiting for you,
my wild passionate bride.
Close your eyes, Grandma.
- Don't tell me.
You had a very sexy woman
in your dental chair today.
- How did you know?
- Just a wild guess.
- So, where's Max?
Didn't you come home together?
- No, he said he had
some things to do.
What's new, Grandma?
- Well, I met our new neighbors.
They have rats in their garage.
- Are you glad you asked?
- Yeah.
- Mark, would you help me
get the roast out of the oven?
- Yes, Grandma.
- Hi Max.
- Hi.
- Oh good, I'm glad you're here.
I worked out the
itinerary for the tennis tour.
Can you take a
look at it for me?
- Can I look at it
tomorrow please?
- Oh please, sit down.
- Look, wherever
you send them is fine.
As long as they
end up at Wimbleton.
- Max, I'm surprised at you.
That's the mistake
most Americans make.
It's not Wimbleton, it's
Wimbledon with a D.
Watch my lips.
Wimbledon.
- Hey Max.
- Oh hi mouth, Mark.
How'd it go today?
- [Mark] Fine.
- Good, no problem with
the patients or anything?
- [Mark] No.
- Oh good, it's good
to have a nice day.
I'm glad you had a nice day.
- Yeah.
- Hey Mark.
I thought you were gonna
help me carve the roast?
Well hi Max.
- Hi Grandma, I'll help
you carve the roast.
- No, no, no, I'm the dentist.
I'll do the carving.
Calling Dr. McDougal, Dr. Royer.
- Max, the itinerary,
will you sit down please?
- Barbara, I don't wanna
sit down next to you.
- For heaven's sake,
you're worse than Mark.
Okay, call it Wimbleton,
I really don't care.
- Ah look, I know
this isn't the right time
but it's never the
right time, right?
So here goes.
Nah, it's not the right time.
I mean I have no
reason to tell you.
I'm the only one
that knows about it
so the wise thing to do is
just keep my mouth shut.
- Fine, I'm glad
you didn't mention it.
It might have got
my curiosity up.
(telephone rings)
I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh hi Mr. Gonagin.
Yeah.
You're kidding?
You're not kidding?
That's wonderful.
Oh yes, of course we'll go.
Thank you, yeah I'll tell him.
Bye.
You're never gonna guess.
He says he's been
thinking about us
and he appreciates how
hard we've been working
so as a reward, he is
sending us, you and me,
to the opening of that
new hotel in Zihuatanejo.
We're going to Mexico, Max!
- I can't go.
- Oh, why not?
- That's why.
- Dinner's ready!
Everybody sit down.
- I'm sorry, Grandma.
I can't eat.
- [Mark] Where are you going?
- I'm going out.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What's going on?
- Dinner, go get him!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm not really hungry.
We had a fight about work.
- Mark!
- Yes, Grandma?
- Go get her.
- Yes, Grandma.
- It always happens.
Fix leftovers and
everybody sits down to eat.
Fix a nice roast and
everybody has a family fight.
What are you doing here?
- Sam's out of town,
you invited me to dinner.
- Oh, of course.
Sit down, honey, sit down.
I'm sorry.
- Mom, I hate to tell you
this but I had a big lunch.
- Eat!
- Oh, okay Mom.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry about tonight.
Let's just forget
about it, okay?
- Max, we can't forget about it.
What is this all about?
- Okay.
You excite me.
- Oh.
- Look, I've been
walking for a long time.
I'll handle this myself, okay?
Let's just talk
about it tomorrow.
- Okay, why don't we?
Let's just sleep on it.
No, not.
- Okay, okay.
- You excite him?
(audience laughs)
- Please go up to bed.
- Don't go up to bed me.
What kind of hanky-panky
is going on around here?
- Shh!
Not so loud,
nothing is happening.
- Then why are we whispering?
- Because I don't
want Mark to know.
- Well I don't blame you
if something's going
on with you and Max.
- Nothing is going on.
He kissed me while you
and Mark were in the kitchen.
- This sounds like
a bad soap opera.
- I guess ever since
Julie's been gone,
I've tried to be nice to him
but I didn't mean anything.
- Oh honey, it doesn't
have to mean anything.
Let me tell you a medical fact.
Men have more turn
on switches than a 747.
(audience laughs)
- But he's my brother-in-law.
- He's your brother-in-law, yes.
And you are a very
warm, beautiful,
affectionate touchy kissy woman.
All of the Romanos are.
The woman are touchy kissy,
the men are fanny pinchers.
(audience laughs)
- You are not any
help at all, Grandma.
- I don't know what to tell you.
When I was a young
woman, I kept things secret.
We didn't come to our
grandmothers and talk about affairs.
- We are not having an affair.
We are not having anything.
I don't wanna ignore him.
I can't.
I love working with him.
I love him, I love his baby.
God, I don't know
how this happened.
- That's just the way life is.
Yesterday, I was pushing
a cart in the market
and then I realized
that this man
was following me
around the store.
I thought it was frightening.
I walked faster, and
he walked faster.
And I started to run,
and he started to run.
Of course it turned
out that I had his cart.
(audience laughs)
(Barbara laughs)
But you see Barbara,
the point is that it was
the way he looked at me.
Honey, we must always
be aware of our femininity.
- Why?
Am I suppose to be responsible
for the way Max reacts?
This is crazy.
Mr. Gonagin wants to send
us on a trip down to Mexico
to open up a new hotel.
- You are not going, young lady.
- I know I'm not going.
- Did you tell Mark
about the trip?
- No, 'cause then he's gonna
wanna know why I'm not going.
- Are you gonna tell about Max?
- Should I?
- Yes.
In a letter to be
opened after your death.
- You wanna know
what's really disturbing?
- What?
- When he kissed me, I liked it.
Is that terrible?
- It's human.
- But I love Mark.
- I know.
- More than anything.
I always will.
- I know, I know.
- It's just it was kind of...
- I know, I know.
Oh honey, we can't
control our thoughts
but we can control
what we do about them.
- I know.
- The problem is Max.
Oh, I think he's very lonely.
(Mark yawns)
- I heard all the lights on.
(audience laughs)
You gonna stay up all night?
- No honey, I'm coming to bed.
Oh, I love you.
(audience laughs)
Morning, Grandma.
- [Grandma] Hi honey.
- Good morning, sweetheart.
- (grunts) Hi.
- You sleep well last night?
(Mark grunts)
Gee, you know, it looks
like it might rain, honey.
(Mark grunts)
- Your wife is talking to you.
- Well, I know that.
She said good morning.
- She said good
morning, sweetheart.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
Don't read the
paper, it's dangerous.
- Well, I'm just
gonna get to work.
- No, no, you got time.
Max hasn't eaten yet.
- Yeah Barbara, why
don't you sit down and eat?
I'll get going.
- No, that's okay.
I'll get going.
- How's Max gonna get to work?
- I'll take a bus.
- She's gonna take your car
and you're gonna take the bus?
- Honey, look, I have
a lot of errands to run.
I'll see you when I
get home tonight.
See ya later, everybody.
- What's going on?
- Oh, read the paper.
Max, sit down and eat something.
Well, what's in the paper?
- Oh, same ol' stuff.
Peace talks break down.
Cabinet member resigned.
Listen to this, man
kills wife and lover.
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell ya, I'm
really not hungry.
I'm just gonna go up
and say goodbye to Annie
and get to work and
have a bite there.
I'll see you later, okay?
- Bye.
- Have a good one.
- [Grandma] Bye bye.
- Bye Grandma.
- Grandma, did you
notice how strange
it was here this morning?
- Strange?
- Yeah, I can tell.
I'm very sensitive
to people's moods.
I know what it is too.
Barbara's mad at me
about forgetting something.
I know it's not our
anniversary or her birthday.
Or is it?
No, no, no.
It's probably something
silly like the anniversary
of the day we met.
Oh, I know.
I'll get her some roses.
- That is a very good idea.
- I told ya, I'm very sensitive.
- Excuse me.
- What do you want?
- The stapler.
- Well, take it.
What's the matter with you?
- Well, I don't wanna
get too close to you.
- For God's sake.
- Well Max, I'm not
quite sure what it is
that the causes the problem.
- It doesn't matter, does it?
It happened, I made
a fool out of myself.
Okay, now it's over.
It will not happen again.
So please, let's just forget it.
- Wonderful, that's
solves everything.
I mean, you grab
me and give me a kiss
that curls my toes and
then you say forget it.
- I curled your toes?
- Hi.
You'll never guess
who I met in the bus.
This is Jennifer Prescott.
You've heard me
talk of her mother.
Jennifer, I want you two
young people to meet.
Jennifer, this is Max.
- Hi, Max Horvath.
- Hi, nice to meet you, Max.
- Good, it's nice to meet.
Listen, why don't
the three of us go out
and have a cup of coffee.
Barbara can watch the store.
- Oh, I'm sorry Katherine
but I have to get to work.
- Oh, what a shame.
- Yeah.
- Jennifer's a cosmetologist.
This is her card.
She's just wonderful
at massaging temples.
- Nice to meet you, Max.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye bye.
Bye bye.
- Bye.
Listen, I wanna see your store.
- It's right up this way.
- Can we just forget the
whole thing and do our job?
- That's a good idea.
- This isn't gonna work.
- Look, we live in
the same house.
We work together, we're
around each other all the time.
You want me to move out?
I will pack up
Annie and we'll go.
- I hate that idea.
But maybe we
oughta talk about it.
- Look Barbara, I
can handle this, okay?
Now that it's out in the open.
I had my little
fantasy and that's it.
- A fantasy about me?
That's okay, I
don't wanna hear it.
- Good, 'cause I
don't wanna tell you.
- Good.
- Was it, no, I
don't wanna hear it.
- Excuse me, I don't mean
to keep popping in like this
but I met this young
lady down in the mall.
She was looking for
the drinking fountain
and I said, why use
a dirty ol' fountain
when you have
bottled water right here?
Trisha, this is Max.
Max practically
owns this agency.
- Hi Trisha.
- Really, I was just
looking for a drink of water.
(nervously laughs)
Oh, oh, there's my husband.
Don't wanna miss him.
Thanks for everything, ma'am.
Honey!
- Well, the good ones
are always married.
Well, I have some
more shopping to do.
I'll see you later.
- This is so awkward.
- [Max] Tell me about it.
- Look Max, why
don't you go to Mexico?
It might be good for you.
- Barbara, I don't
care about Mexico.
Look, when Julie left...
You've been great.
You've been caring
and affectionate.
You made me feel needed again.
You made me feel
good about myself.
I don't know what I
would've done without you.
The problem with all this is
that I don't know how much
of it is lonely and how
much of this is you.
- Max, you are one
very attractive man.
If you hadn't
met my sister first
or if I had never met Mark,
things might have
been different.
But those are only ifs.
Look, even if we
had gone to Mexico,
nothing would've happened.
- I know.
- Not only am I in love with
Mark, I'm committed to him.
- I know that too.
You couldn't be any other way.
- Thanks.
- Please forgive me.
I'm feeling pretty
lonely and I don't like it.
I just want somebody for me.
- Hi honey.
- Hi there, hey.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I just thought I'd
stop and take you to lunch.
- Yeah?
- I bought you these.
- Roses!
- Yeah.
- They're beautiful.
- Read the card.
- To my darling wife
so you'll know that I didn't
forget this special day.
- Betcha thought
I'd forget, didn't you?
(audience laughs)
- Listen, it's a good thing
you remembered, big guy,
because your wife has
a big surprise for you too.
Why don't you tell
him about it, Barb?
Oh, let me tell him.
- [Barbara] Okay.
- All right?
- Okay.
- You two are going to
Mexico courtesy of Mr. Gonagin.
- You're kidding?
Well, that's great.
Are you going too?
- No, I can't.
I have a date with this
little redhead cosmetologist.
- Oh yeah?
- So, oh no.
Tell her I'm not here, okay?
Just tell her I'm not here.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(cheerful music)