One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 19 - Meaning of Life - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you
get, so go and have a ball

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ And keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ One day at a time

- Dwayne, tell me her name.

- Her name is
Jennifer DeLaGrande.

- Ooh.

- Ooh doesn't even
begin to cover it.

And the way she moves,
it's like watching an angel

float through a bowl of jello.

Is that light switch, is it off?

- It's off Schneider,
how many times,

look, over look, it's off.

- Schneider, I
realize this is cutting

into your Friday night.

I know you're doing us a
favor by rewiring this fixture

so that it goes both on and off

and believe me,
I'm not complaining,

it's just that we're
running a little late.

Are you almost
finished with this?

- Do you mind?

I have to stand poised
at this light switch,

constantly at the ready.

- The woman exudes sexuality.

I mean even the way
she throws her hair back.

- [Katherine] I think
it looks lovely dear.

- Well, thank you darling.

- Sam, what time
does the show start?

- 8:00 Katherine.

- Oh, by the time
we pick up Mark,

we'll make it just
in time for act three.

- Grandma, it's a two act play.

- Oh, well, good, then
there's no reason to hurry.

- Why can't this family ever
get anywhere together on time.

- Okay, here I am, I'm ready.

Sam, so what do you think?

- Well, I think
the outfit's fine.

The fuzzy bunny feet
might be a little casual.

- Reminds me of
Jennifer DeLaGrande.

- Excuse me.

- Did I ever tell
you how we met?

I was having a beer in
this out of the way spot

when all of a sudden she
belly flopped onto my table.

- Belly flopped onto your table?

- Saves a lot of small talk.


- What a woman.

Filled my beer, got
mud all over me.

- Mud wrestler.

- Mud wrestler.

Oh, boy, I've always wanted
to try that with Carey Grant.


Okay, Horvath, I
think we got it here.

Switch on.

- Switch on.

- Now at least it isn't
flickering any more.


- I think I know
what the problems is.

Horvath, switch off.

- Switch off.

- Dwayne, shouldn't you
turn that off at the main switch?

- Well, yeah, but the main panel

is all the way down
at the end of the hall.

You go in, you
go out, you go in.

- Grandma, this is a man that
worked closely with Edison.

Schneider knows what he's doing.

- Hi, guys, Why
is it dark in here?

- No, no, no.

- [Max] Turn off
the light switch.

- Help him, help him!

Oh, I can't believe this, wait.

Oh, good heavens.

- God, what happened.

- All I did was
turn the light on.

- Get back, get back,
move, I know what I'm doing.

Here, take off his tool belt.

- Call the paramedics.

- Paramedics, I've got it.

- Emergency is 911.
- I know what it is.

- Hello, we have an
emergency here, electrical shock.

Thank you.

- He's turning blue.

- Blue, is he dead?

- He's not dead, he's
just not breathing.

- Yes, electrical shock.

I don't know.

Is there a pulse?

- I don't feel a pulse.

- No pulse, no pulse.

No pulse.

Yes, the address here is 322
Beck Street, apartment 402.

You know where that is?

Would you hurry,
please, just hurry.

- Sam, how is he doing?

- His heart won't start.

- He's dead, I've killed him.

- Why don't they get here.

- Who?

- Paramedics.

- You just called them.

- Well, how long does it take.

- Hey, Annie, take it
easy would you please.

This doesn't help
anybody to get emotional.

- Not get emotional.

For heaven's sakes,
Schneider is dying.

- Get them all out,
get out in the hall.

- Help, we have to help.

She didn't mean that.

He's not dying.

It wasn't your
fault darling really.

It wasn't your fault,
Barbara, believe me honey.

It's gonna be all right darling.

- It's not, Schneider's dead.

- No, he is not dead.

He may be dying,
but he's not dead yet.


- Look Barbara,
it'll be all right.

Sam knows what he's doing.

- That's what you
said about Schneider

just before Barbara killed him.


I didn't mean that.

- Come on Dwayne,
don't die please.

- He's not dying.

Would you quit saying that.

- Let's face the facts, eh.

There's no pulse,
there's no heartbeat,

he's not breathing, he's
not in the peak of health.

- He can't die, he can't.

Can he?

- Look, we're all
standing out here talking

as if the man is dead.

He's probably
sitting up in there

talking about broads.

Why don't I go in and
see how he's doing.

- Yes.

- Anybody want to come with me?

- [Ann] Oh, look.

- Dwayne.

- Sam.

- Dwayne.

- Are you okay Schneider.

- Stand back, give
him room to breathe.

- Oh, Dwayne.

Oh, Dwayne, we
thought you were dead.

- But I'm not, right?

- No, you're fine.

You're okay, just relax.

- Sam, you saved my life.

- I'm as surprised as you are.



- For a minute
there I really thought

that I wasn't going to, hi.

- Oh, Schneider, I am
so sorry, believe me.

I mean, just because
I've said once or twice

that I could kill you,
don't think that I meant it.

- I want to tell you that was
an incredible experience.

I actually died.

- No, no, Schneider, you
were just unconscious.

- Ms. Romano, unconscious
is when you go out

with a couple of
buddies in the Navy

and you drink too much sake
and get run over by a rickshaw.

That's unconscious.


This was something
totally different.

- Almost everything else is.

- I was dead.

One minute I was lying
down there on the floor

and the next minute,
I was floating up,

up and away from my body.

I could look down and I
could see my body lying there.

I'm gonna lose some weight.


- Dwayne, why don't
you lie down now?

- I was getting further
and further away

from my body.

I was,

I was floating up, floating up.

- You're sure it was up?


- It was calm.

It was peaceful.

I wasn't afraid.

Then I started to go
down this long tunnel

and I saw these people
that I used to know.

Coach Johnstone
from high school,

I used to run the 440 for him,

he was a track coach.

And my Uncle Ernie.

Boy I was really surprised
to see Uncle Ernie there.

Then a hand reached out
and touched my shoulder.

- God?

- Lorraine Gibbons.


She gave me my first hickey.


Then at the end of
the tunnel was this

beautiful brilliant
warm white light.

- God?

- I don't know Katherine.

Somebody brought me back.

- I'm such a spoil sport.


- The oxygen was
cut off from your brain.

You were delirious.

Come on.

- No, no, no, no.

- Nice and easy, all the way up.

- I got him, I got him.

- Okay.

- I tell you something.

I was not delirious.

- We got you, we got you.

- I wasn't delirious,
I was not delirious.

- Here we go.

- I could see everything
you guys were doing,

I could hear everything
you were saying.

You said that I was dead.

You shouted that I wasn't dead.

Max said that Sam
knew what he was doing.

Grandma said that that's
what Max said about me

just before Barbara killed me.

- You couldn't have heard that.

We were all out in the h-

- Out in the hall, I know.

- Well, there's gotta
be a logical explanation.

Maybe you thought you
heard every word they said.

- You know, I've heard about
things like this happening.

I read this article once
about a race car driver

that died three times
and was revived

and each time he saw the
same thing Schneider did.

- Uncle Ernie?

- I don't care what happened.

I'm real glad you're back.

- Me, too, I missed you.

- Dwayne, you
really should lie down

until the paramedics get here.

- Yeah.

- Oh, Max, I don't think.

I don't think I'm ever
gonna lie down again.

I mean I died and I came back.

But how?

And why?

- Children, I think
Grandma is gonna faint.

- Let's get her around.

- Paramedics,
stand aside please.


- No, wait, she's the wrong one.

- Annie, please mind
your own business.


- Well, that was
probably the best pot roast

I've ever tasted.

- Oh, yes, Annie, the dinner
was just delicious honey.

- Mom, you cooked it.

- I did, didn't I?

- We're all a little
shaken up from yesterday.

- [Katherine] I know.

- Mom.

Did you just up the
napkins in the freezer?

- I don't know where my mind is.

- What's bothering you?

- Well, I keep
thinking and wondering

about what happened to Dwayne.

You know, leaving his body.

Do you think such
a thing is possible?

- I don't know.

Mom, there is so much we
don't know about death, life.

Anything's possible.

- But see when you
start getting older,

you start wondering
about words like heaven

and life ever after.

You start wondering
if they're just words.

Oh, well, just silly old me.

I think I'd better
get going home.

- Okay, Mom.

- Hey, Annie, that really
was a terrific dinner, honey.

Really, just
terrific, thank you.

Gotta get that recipe.


- I am a little
worried about here.

- She's still in shock from
seeing someone almost die.

She'll get over it.


- Schneider.

- Don't answer the door.

Just let him materialize
through the wall.


- You are such a cynic.


- Hi, Ms. Romano.

- How you feeling.

- Oh, I'm feeling just terrific.

My doctor gave me
a clean bill of health,

although he did
say that one kidney

is still glowing a little bit.


I came up here to
finish fixing the light.

- I fixed it.

- Give me a call when
it goes out on you.

- How come you're working?

I thought you had a date
with Jennifer DeLaGrande.

- Well, I did,
but I canceled it.

I explained to her
that I didn't think

I should have a date
so soon after I died.


- Well, I'm sure she understood.

After all, the woman
is a mud wrestler.


(doorbell ringing)

- Hello.

- Hi, Ruth and
Randy from upstairs.

- Oh, yeah, what can I-

- We came to see the place
where Schneider departed

from the physical universe.

- Schneider.

You're here.

Oh, that'll make the
aura even stronger.

- Aura?

- I had nothing to
do with this, really.

- Well, the shrine
is always open,

you're welcome folks.

- There's not a lot to see.

- Oh, but it's here.

I can sense the vibrations.

- Well, watch your step.

We haven't had time
to erect a guardrail yet.


- Alpha to Omega,
it is all here.

- Oh, I can feel the energy.

- Omega, what is Alpha doing?

- Healing his tennis elbow.

- You know we've
been thinking about

a perpetual flame, but
ventilation's such a problem.


- Randy and Ruth, yes, you two.

Thank you so much
for dropping by, really.

Come by any time
to visit the auras.

- The shrine is always
open, noon to nine,

six days a week.


- Sam, it's not.

- I know, I know, I was rude.

It's just that all this
business seems ridiculous.

- Ridiculous, huh?

A guy dies and he comes
back from the dead, right?

And you don't think
that's one of the truths

of the universe?

- You saw the
woman that gave you

your first hickey, that's
the truth of the universe?

- Sam, look, I-

- Ms. Romano,
please, I'm not arguing,

I'm not arguing.

As it happens, a group of people

with greater awareness than his

invited me to speak on
this very subject tonight.

- Really, where?

- Over at my lodge.

It's our annual parapsychological
and science fiction

beer bust tonight.

Sorry pal, we're sold out.

Ms. Romano, I may be able
to get you a ticket, one ticket.

(door closing)

- A parapsychological
and... Sam.

- Just curious.

- Is it necessary to
make a joke out of it?

- I just, I don't buy
all of this, you know.

I saved the
man's life, that's it.

- But if there is the
slightest doubt in your mind,

I mean if there is the
remotest possibility

that maybe there is
something about life and death

that you don't quite understand,

maybe you shouldn't
laugh quite so fast.


- Schneider.

I guess we should talk.

- It's a free hallway.

- Well, I want to
apologize for making fun

of your experience.

- You do, huh?

- Yeah, I guess the
thought of death makes

me a little uncomfortable
and I just don't like

to think about it until
it happens to me.

Anyway, I didn't mean
to make fun of you.

- Well, at least
you're honest enough

to come out and say it.

- How'd it go at the lodge?

- Not so hot.

I, uh, I was the third speaker.

- Oh, that's bad?

- Well, yeah, the
first speaker got up

and claimed that
he lost his wife

in a black hole up in
Orion's belt some place.


And the second speaker
got up and was convinced

that she was the reincarnation
of Napoleon's horse.


- I see.

- So then I, of
course, had to get up

and, you know, work
behind this woman

who was out there on the
stage neighing in French.


And it dawned on me, you know,

that they're all wackos
and that therefore

everybody else there
thinks that I'm a wacko,

but you're the
only guy that ever

had the honesty to
come and tell me that

face to face.

- Excuse me, Mr. Schneider.

- Oh, yeah, hi, Larry,
what can I do for you?

- Well, I heard my
dad and mom talking

about what happened to you.

That you died and went
to heave and came back?

And I sort of wanted to
ask you about something.

- Yeah, well, go ahead,
Larry, I'll see if I can answer it.

- Do you remember my dog Ruffy?

He had a big black
spot over his eye

and he used to bite you a lot?

- Yeah, I remember Ruffy, yeah.

- He didn't mean to hurt people.

That was just his way
of showing he liked you.

- Yeah, well,
Ruffy liked me a lot.


- What I wanted to know was

did you see Ruffy in heaven?

- Did I see him?

Did I see him?

He bit me.


- I mean, did he have
other dogs to play with?

- Yeah, and cats,
he was chasing cats.

He was knocking over
garbage cans, doing it all, yeah.

- Thanks Mr. Schneider.

Was God there?

What does he look like?

Can he really see everything?

- Larry, first of all, I
mean you gotta know

it's a big place, it's a
huge place and I don't,

you know, I don't really
think that I got past the gates.

I didn't get in
through the gates.

If you didn't get
through the gates,

you couldn't have seen
if Ruffy was there or not.

- Well, I.

- Didn't you say you
heard him barking.

- That's right, I
did, of course.

I heard Ruffy barking.

- Are you sure it
was Ruffy's bark.

- Oh, yeah, I mean I could never

mistake Ruffy's bark, hmm-mm.

- Oh, that's great.

Thanks again Mr. Schneider.

- You bet.

- Bye.

- Bye, Larry.

I'm standing here and I'm
lying to a seven-year-old kid.


I mean I think the
kid's probably right.

I mean I don't, I don't
know where the hell I been.

- [Sam] Schneider.

- I'm not even sure if I
came back from anywhere.

I'm telling you something Royer,

this thing is really starting
to get to me, you know.


- Dwayne, I know
you're in there.



- Hi, come on in.

Can I get you a beer.

- Boy, look at this place.

This looks like you
haven't left here in a week.

You all right?

- Yeah, yeah, I
just been, you know,

catching up on my reading.

- Life and Death.

Till Death Do Us Part.

Death Despair and the
Final Destruction, Part 2.

- Well, there's nothing
like the pleasure

of a good book.

- Come on, don't snow me.

I've been snowed by the best.

- Okay, I'm a
little bit confused.

Well, a little bit down.

I'm depressed.

- What is it?

What is it?

What's bothering you?

- I'm a fraud Katherine.

- You, oh, come on, come on.

- I've been going
around telling people

that death is
something wonderful.

I don't know that.

All did was go floating up.

I didn't go down to
the end of the tunnel.

- Was that important?

- Yes, it's important.

I don't know where
the hell I was.

I mean, where was I?

What did I do?

Was I on my way to heaven?

Was I in heaven?

Did I see God?

Was he the guy
in the leisure suit?

Come back without any answers.

- See, things aren't
always that clear.

- I used to be, you
know, just another

devil may care kind
of guy, I didn't think

about anything except
maybe pipe fittings

and full figured women.

Now I can't stop thinking
about what happened to me

and I keep thinking that
maybe if I'd have been

dead just a few minutes
longer, I might have come

back with some answers.

- A few minutes longer
and you might not

have come back at all.

Oh, Dwayne.

I know what you're
going through.

Same thing happened
to me five years ago.

- You died?

- No, no, no.

No, my husband died.

And it took me almost
a year just to accept

the fact that he was gone.

During that year, I was
almost as dead as he was.

You look for your answers.

You may even find
them while you're looking.

Dwayne, you
have to go on living.

I don't want you
to just die like I did.

- There's gotta be a reason
for my dying and coming back.

That whole thing just can't
be for nothing Katherine.

- But there is a
reason, don't you see.

You're helping me
see that maybe death

isn't the end.

Now that may sound like a very
small accomplishment to you,

but not to me.

Dwayne, Dwayne,
the closer I get to it,

the more I think about
not being here anymore.

Boy, I really was
afraid of dying.

I mean I really was.

And I still am just a little.

- Don't be.

- Well, I am.

- Well, don't be.

- Why?

- Because there's
nothing to be afraid of.

- Really?

- Yes, really.

Let me tell you something.

Now, see, the other
side, the other side

is I'm not sure
exactly what it is,

but I know this.

I was there.

I was there.

And I, I felt it.

Katherine, it's real, it's real.

I mean no matter what
it is, it's not nothing.

- Oh, I believe that.

- And I'll tell you
something else, too.

I did come back
with an answer, I did.

Wait till you hear this big guy.


When I died, I left
my body on the floor.

I mean it was
there on the floor,

but I was still me.

I didn't need it.

I did not need it.

So I guess the answer
is is that I'm not just

this physical body.

There is more to
Dwayne F. Schneider

than something you
just hang a tool belt on.

- Oh, yes, Dwayne, there is.

There's much, much more.

- Thanks.

- What are you doing?

Hey, who are you calling?

- I'm calling a friend,
a real pal, a soul mate.

Yes, Jennifer
DeLaGrande, please.

Yes, of course.

Of course I'll hold on.

They're hosing her down.


("One Day at a
Time" instrumental)

(Embassy jingle)