One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 18 - Up in Smoke - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- It was a wonderful
dinner, Ann, thanks again.

- Oh, thank you.

- It was terrific.

- Oh.

- Bye, Sam, good to see you.
- Good to see you.

- Be in touch, Sam,
we've got a lot to talk about.

- I like the sound of this.


- Maybe we can
have lunch next week.

- Oh, I'd like that.

- I'll call you.

- Okay, terrific.

- Over so soon, huh?

So, how was the dinner?

- Why, it was fine.

- Tell you, see,
the reason I ask

is 'cause the recipe
for the quiche was mine.

So, how was it?

- It was wonderful.

- Look at that, see, some
real men do eat quiche.

- David and Mary Sinclair,
Dwayne Schneider.

- Hi, how are you?

Nice, I know I'm
interrupting here, you know,

when you get a good
recipe, you know,

it's like you wanna get
it patented, you know.

Go ahead, go
ahead, talk, go ahead.

I'm gonna go up here, I'm
gonna dust off these light bulbs.

Not a lot of maintenance
engineers do that.

- They don't all share
your skill, Schneider.

- Listen, I'll talk
to you soon, okay?

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Thanks again.

- Goodnight.

They're a nice couple, huh?

Real reserved.

(audience laughing)

- Ann, what are we
gonna do about Schneider?

- What do you suggest?

- I don't know,
janitor in a drum?

- Darling, the evening was a
success, you should be smiling.

You were brilliant.

- Yeah.



- So was I.

- Yeah.

I liked it when David
said he thought my work

reflected condign abilities.

- Condign abilities.

- Yeah, has a nice ring to it.

- Yep, it does.

- I would guess C-O-N-D-I-G-N.

- C-O-N-D-I-G-N.

"Very worthy, deserved."

- Certainly sums me up.

- You know what I
liked about tonight?

The way we worked together.

Saying all the right
things to David and his wife

as if we'd rehearsed it.

- Yeah.

- Like a little ballet
between two people

who didn't even know
each other a year ago...

When did you start smoking?

- I don't smoke.

(audience laughing)

- Your mustache is steaming.


- It's strange, the whole
thing was so automatic,

I didn't really notice.

- Really?

- No, not really.

The truth is that I have
been dying for a cigarette

ever since David lit up.

- Huh, but you stopped
smoking, what, five years ago?

- Six.
- Six?

- Yeah.

I used to smoke when
things got comfortable.

I guess things got comfortable.

- Good, you gonna put it out?

- Absolutely.

It tastes terrible.

- Then how come
you were smoking it?

- I guess I wanted to see if it
was as bad as I remembered.

You know, this deal
with David Sinclair

could turn into something.

I wanna thank you for tonight.

I love you.

- Ouch.

- What's wrong?

- Oh, there's no
end to the sacrifices

I make for you, darling.

I got these shoes for tonight
and my feet are killing me.

I'm gonna get undressed.

- Okay, I'll be right there.

- Okay.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience oohing)

Funny thing happens
when my husband is not

in my bed, I wake up.

- Oh, hi.

(audience laughing)

- Smoking, huh?

- I guess I just got
comfortable again.

- I'm gonna tell the
surgeon general on you.

- You know, I met the
surgeon general once.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, he wanted
to bum a cigarette.

(audience laughing)

- Real funny.

- Okay, so you caught me.

Just let me enjoy it, okay?

- Yuck.

- Yuck from just one cigarette?

- Definitely a yuck.

- Well, thank you.

(audience laughing)


Don't come in, Schneider.

I said don't come in.

- Yeah, I heard
everything but the don't.

Ah, yeah.


The old air freshener bit, huh?

I used to do that
when I was a kid.

It can be dangerous
though, you know,

you can give up cigarettes,
but you can get strung out

on the spray.

(audience laughing)

- Don't let me keep you.

- You're not keeping me.

I came up here to
fix a switch plate.

What's the matter, your
wife won't let you smoke

in your own apartment?

(goofy laughing)

- Okay, Schneider,
how long does it take

to fix this switch plate?

- Oh, about two minutes.

Any fathead with a
screwdriver can do it.

- Well, you've got
the screwdriver, do it.

- Uh-oh, you got company.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Schneider's
changing a switch plate.

- Ah, good.

- Schneider, however,
is not smoking.

This is his cigarette,
he gave it to me.

He didn't wanna deal with you.

- Thank you, Schneider.

Yes, it's my cigarette.

I was afraid you'd yell
at me if you caught me.

- Oh, come on, Sam, yell at you?

Even though I think
it's a vile and vicious

and rotten and disgusting habit,

have I been critical
in any sense?

- No, you've been a
regular little gentleman.

Let's face it, I'm a
smoker, I'm a light smoker.

- Fine, that's your business.

I just wish I understood
why, after six years,

you decided to go
back to smoking.

- Well, I don't know.

- Maybe I can help
you there, Royer.

The man is a profound weakling.

(audience laughing)

- This comes from
someone with a pack

of cigarettes growing
out of their shoulder.

- The fact of the matter
is, Royer, I don't smoke.

- Well then, what are these for?

- I rolled 'em up like that
for the first time in Korea

and I keep 'em
like that rolled up

kind of as a perpetual testament

to the guys that I served with.

In addition to which, it shows
off the tattoo very nicely.

The fact is anybody
can give up cigarettes.

You wanna know what I did
to make me give up cigarettes?

- No.

- All right, I ain't
gonna tell ya, go fish.

Ms. Romano, the switch
plate is fixed, no charge.

Excuse me.
- Thank you, Schneider.

Schneider, wait a minute.

What did make you quit?

- I'm not gonna come
right out and say it,

you know, I will
tell you this much,

it had to do with
women and stamina.

(audience laughing)

- I should cut back.

- Hello, sweetheart.

How many cigarettes today?

- That's it, how many
cigarettes today?

There's no inquiry
as to my health,

no concern for my
anxieties, no sheer joy

at my mere presence, just
how many cigarettes today?

- That was an inquiry
about your health

and a concern
for your anxieties.

How many?

- Monday six, Tuesday
five, Wednesday three,

Thursday three...

- Today?

- 11.

(audience laughing)

No, no, you don't understand.

David Sinclair
called, I got the deal.

- [Ann] Congratulations.

- Yeah, thanks.

- [Ann] That's the way
it works huh, Sam?

Good news and we
automatically light up.

- Well, it beats getting drunk.

- [Ann] Well, thanks
for the choice.

- Come on, Ann, I mean
I'm aware of the dangers,

the health warnings...

That's the negative
side of smoking.

Nobody ever talks
about the positive side.

- [Ann] Oh, I know
a positive one.

It can positively kill you.

- No, really.

I mean, there's a real pleasure
in lighting up a cigarette.

It gives you something
to do with your hands.

Say somebody asks you a
question and you can't come up

with an answer right away.

Well, you light up a
cigarette that gives you time

to think of an answer.

- Anything else?

- Yeah, it's relaxing.

- Oh, Sam, it raises
your blood pressure,

it speeds up your heart rate.

- So do you.

- We are talking
about cigarettes.

- Okay.

You're in a jungle, okay?

No, they're very practical
for burning off ticks.

- Look, I'm really trying to
be Ms. Wonderful about this,

but I don't know how
much longer I can last.

The apartment smells, my
hair smells, my clothes smell,

and that is the unselfish part.

- Well, what's the selfish part?

- I worry about you.

You have the looks
of a young man,

but your heart and your lungs

are on the
endangered species list.

- Ann, every smoker
I know is still alive.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, I'm gonna put this
as nicely as I know how, okay?

I am not too thrilled about
living in a toxic waste dump

with a man who smells
like the Ganges at low-tide

and who is hell-bent
for self-destruction.

- Okay, okay.

May I have the ashtray, please?

I quit.

- Oh, really.

- Yeah, really.

- You mean it?

Well, I think that's terrific.

- We'll see.

Have you ever lived with a
man who's given up smoking?

- No.

- How to describe this...

It's a little like Hitler
minus the charm.

(audience laughing and applause)

(audience laughing)

What do you have to do to
get a cookie around here?

This thing is full of money.

- [Ann] Why do
you want a cookie?

- I don't, I want a sandwich.

It's too early for a sandwich,
so I'll take a cookie.

- [Ann] Honey, why don't you
have some fresh vegetables.

There are beds with carrots...

- Yes, yes, I know.

I'm up to my
hips in finger food.

I just want a cookie,
is that too much to ask?

Please, say something.

- Sam, darling, calm down, okay?

The money's in the kitty
and the cookie's in the bunny.

(audience laughing)

- They're ginger snaps.

I hate ginger snaps.

- You do not.

- I do too.

- You do not.

- I do too.

- Sam, you don't.

- I hate ginger snaps.

I've always hated ginger snaps.

I will always hate ginger snaps.

I hate them.


I hate ginger snaps.

(audience laughing)

- Nice to see you too, Sam.

- Ah, how nice, a human being.

(forceful grunt)

- Why is Sam strange?

- He wants a cookie.

- So, give him one.

- Honey, this apartment
is filled with food.

I mean, the theory is
if he wants a cigarette,

he grabs for a goodie instead.

Look, there's carrots in there.

Those are sugarless jellybeans.

- Mm, they're good.

- I know, Sam won't touch them

and I'm afraid I'm
gonna turn into el porca.

- La porca, the feminine noun

always takes a feminine article.

- Thank you.

Is your masculine noun with you,

I would like to ask him some
questions about his father.

- No, I came alone.

I just wanted to
see how you are.

Is something wrong?


- Sam built up to a
pack in less than a week

and then he quit
and he is an ogre.

He's irritable and he's picky.

All of a sudden, he's
complaining about the soft water

in the apartment.

I don't even know if we have
soft water in the apartment,

but who cares?

Even if we do, so what... - Mom.

- [Ann] Yes?

- You're losing it.

- I know.

It's gotten so bad I'm
thinking of telling him

to go back to smoking
and die 10 years earlier.

- No, you're not.

- No, I'm not.

- What about counseling?

- Nah, he hates it.

- Okay, what about one of
those smoke helper's clubs?

- Refuses to go.

He is going to quit
on his own if it kills me.

- You know, I can't see
how people can get cravings.

(audience laughing)

- All right, Ms. Romano,
I got the answer for you.

Cigarette butts,
hundreds of cigarette butts.

Last night at the lodge
there was a huge smoker.

I went over there, I got nothing

but cigarette butts in here.

I got fat butts, short
butts, wet butts...

- Schneider,
Schneider, Schneider...

- We're going to
dump this whole box

right on that table and you'll
get the result that you want.

- Oh thank you,
Schneider, but no no no.

Come on, it's the
thought that counts, okay?

- All right, all right.

I got another plan.

It's even better, trust me.

But for now, Dwayne
F. Schneider will butt out.

- Thanks.

Oh, I tell you, I don't
know what to do.

I'm at a loss.

Sam is really going
through a serious withdrawal.

I just didn't realize how...

- Still, mom, a zillion
people quit every day.

- A zillion and one, spit.

Thank you.

- I hate the supermarket.

The price of oatmeal
cookies keeps skyrocketing.

Every banana in the
world reverts to green.

And you get in the express line,

everybody has
more than 10 items.

And Barbara, you
can tell your husband

I think he might drop
by once in a while

just to see how his father is.

- Darling, why don't
you go in the bedroom

and take a nice little nap?

(audience laughing)

- Tell me to drop
dead, call me a jerk,

tell me you hate
my guts, don't tell me

to take a nice little nap,
I'm not the family collie.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, drop
dead, you're a jerk,

I'm this far from
hating your guts.

- Mom...

- No, darling, look
I have told Sam

I'm trying very hard to
understand what he's going through.

Sam, I have told Barbara
that I'm worried about you

and I truly am.

I see you at night and
you're shaking and sweating

and I hate to see that
because I love you.

Now, guess what.

I'll tell you what...

- Boy, look at the
time, I better go.

- I am through
watch-dogging you, Sam.

Buy a cigar and
cigarettes and lighters

and ashtrays until they're
coming out of your ears.

- I'm gonna go.

- Smoke, smoke a lot.

We'll both cough together.

We'll both smell together.

We'll buy mouthwash together.

And with all the
secondhand smoke around,

hey, maybe we can
even drop dead together.

- I'll find my own way out.

- Now you do not mean
a word that you're saying.

That is the soft water talking.

- I'm going.

- Fine, goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Sam, we have been miserable
ever since you lit up again.

- All right.

I quit.

- You already quit.

- No, no, I've got 'em
stashed all over the place.

Look, here's half a pack.

I've got three more
stashed in my ski boots.

There's some stuffed
under the seat of the car.

There are three cigarettes
inside the toilet paper roller.

- Well then, what's all this
pain of withdrawal garbage?

- I don't smoke when
you're in the apartment

and I don't think you have
any idea how much time

you spend in this place.

You are here every night.

You're here on
weekends, it's amazing.

Even when you're not
here, I'm afraid to smoke

because I think you'll smell it.

I am reduced to
standing out in the middle

of the hallway at night in
order to have a cigarette.

- Sam, listen to me, I
am willing to do anything

you want to help,
anything you want.

- That's just it, doesn't
work unless I want it

and I'm not ready.

- Okay, all right, Sam,
I'll just try to be patient.


Patience is not my long suit.

Sam, are there cigarettes
anyplace else in the apartment?

- Yes.

- Where?

- In the kitchen.

- Where in the kitchen?

- On top of the
refrigerator under the dust.

(audience laughing)

- My wife had no idea
I was still smoking.

I kept my stash in the car.

I used to go out in
the middle of the night,

sit in the backseat
and light up.

- I kept mine
outside in a flower pot

so I'd smoke when
I walked the dog.

I walked the dog 16 times a day.

- I tried that, but we
didn't have a dog.

- Hey, you know, I'll
tell you something...

- People, people, people,
people, one at a time.

Everybody's gonna get a
chance to change Sam Royer's life.

- Listen, I really think that
I've got it beat this time.

I've quit.

- Terrific, darling, why
don't you have a carrot stick?

- It's not food he wants,
it's oral gratification.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you, Farley.

- Listen, everyone, I really
do appreciate what you're

trying to do here.

I'm sure all these shared
experiences are valuable

for a lot of people,
but I'm a private person

and this is a private matter.

- Royer, these people
here, all of them,

they've given up themselves.

I mean, this man
here, stand up, Farley,

he gave up a whole
day at the arcade for you.

Leon, he came here in a cab.

I mean, these people
all have one thing

in common, they quit.

Now, I brought 'em...
Sit down, Farley.

I brought 'em here
because they wanna share

their experience with you.

- Schneider, I did
say I appreciate it.

- At least you could
say you appreciate it.

- You don't wanna
listen, Sam, huh,

because somebody might
say that you're addicted?

Somebody might point
out a couple of truths?

You're polluting yourself.

You know you're
polluting yourself.

You go right on
polluting yourself.

Nobody here yet has
mentioned the word cancer

or heart attack or stroke.

Those are all very
real things, you know?

- I'll have a carrot
stick if you'll just...

- Sam, Sam, nobody's trying
to say that it's easy to stop.

Now, I used to put away
a pack before breakfast,

then one day I saw
an X-ray of my lungs.

Well, that did it for me, pal.

- I joined a smoker's group.

That didn't work for me.

Then I tried hypnosis.

Can't remember if
that worked or not.

(audience laughing)

- I'm very happy for all of you.

I really am.

This stuff is deeply moving.

It's had an effect on me, okay?

- Has it really, Sam?

- Mr. Royer, I really...
- I'm sorry.

What made you give up smoking?

I didn't mean to be rude.

Was it shock therapy
or a mystical experience?

Do you wear a hair shirt?

- Sam.

- I didn't need to
quit, I never started.

- Well then, why are you here?

- My husband smoked.

Three packs a day for 20 years.

Even when the doctor told
him to quit, he couldn't stop.

Oh, he cut down, he
quit, and he quit again.

The kids tried to
help him, I tried,

he must've quit a hundred times.

He was only 47.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, I feel funny being here.

Dwayne thought I could help,

but I told him I'm not a smoker.

I don't know what it's like
to have an addiction like that.

I do know what it's
like to be the one left.

- [Leon] The affect on
the family is always hard.

- [Lillian] And you never
adjust to the loss, you know?

- [Dwayne] That's why
I asked you all here.

- [Leon] I saw my
uncle go like that.

(jazzy music)

(digital tones)