One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 1 - Shakedown - full transcript
♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life
♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ You just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
(sneeze)
(sneeze)
(patting)
(sniff)
- You lift your leg and
I'm calling the pound.
- Schneider, I've
asked you twice
please not to use your passkey
to come into the apartment.
Now, you do it again, I'm
gonna nail your ears to your mop.
(sniffs)
- There any reason why you're
vacuuming the
rug with your nose?
- Something in here is
kicking off my allergies.
Are you here for a reason?
- Yeah.
Brought your paper for you.
Yeah, your paperboy's
a little confused
as to, uh, you know,
who he should bill
now that you two are married,
so I told him to go ahead
and bill Ms. Romano as always
just in case you don't last.
Where did this come from?
- It's mine.
We brought it from
my old apartment.
- Why?
- [Sam] Because we like it.
- Ms. Romano likes it?
- [Sam] She loves it.
- I love it.
I love the chair, I love
the chair, I love the chair...
- See?
- Sure, I see.
I see a woman clinging
to the frayed threads
of a relationship.
I see a man with no
feeling, no compassion,
no sensitivity to his
fellow womankind.
On the other hand,
she loves you,
she might love that
chair, who knows.
- One more thing...
I really don't like
you walking around
in front of Schneider
half naked.
Everything hanging out...
- Uh, Sam, what'd you
do with the toothpaste?
- Oh, look next to the thing.
- Darling, I'm in a hurry,
please don't tell me
to look next to the thing.
- Oh, it's uh...
Behind the thing
next to the thing.
Ah!
- What's the matter?
What happened?
- I cut my finger on a spoon.
I've told you where
the spoons should be.
I reach in here, why is
this drawer full of knives?
Look, the coffee is here.
The cream and
the sugar are here,
so you want a spoon.
You get out your passport,
you hike all the way over here...
- Uh...
- If you're lucky,
you'll hire a guide,
he finds you a spoon, then
you start the return journey...
I don't understand.
- I'm gonna show
you a little trick, okay?
You pour your coffee here.
You wanna put some milk
in it, you get out the milk.
As you pour the milk,
you move over here
to where the spoons are.
As you stir your
coffee, you move over
and put it in the sink.
Voila.
- You think you're
smart, don't you?
- Yeah.
It's been less than a week.
You'll get the hang of it.
- Mm.
- Sam, aren't you
gonna be late for work?
- Well, I'm not
going to work today.
I'm going to help my son,
the dentist, find an office.
Hold it.
Hold it, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.
You drink out of the milk
carton, you put the carton
back in the refrigerator.
You expect me to
drink any of that milk?
You just loaded it up
with 20 million germs.
- 10 million.
I used up the other 10
last time I kissed you.
Sam, how can you
give your day to Mark?
What about your own work?
- Ann, sweetheart,
I've told you over...
Perhaps in the
swirl of our marriage
and the intensity
of our honeymoon,
you've forgotten that
I'm a freelance architect.
That doesn't mean I
get my lances for nothing,
it means I'm not always working.
- [Ann] What's that?
- Uh, nothing, it
wasn't that great.
- [Ann] What, our marriage?
- Nah, forget it.
- [Ann] No, what were
you saying, sweetheart?
- Nothing!
- Sam, what are my keys
doing in the bathroom?
- Uh, I used them last night.
I ran down to the drugstore.
- Do me a favor,
honey, will you, please?
When you borrow my keys, put
them back where you found them.
- Well, where did I find them?
- Right here on this thing.
- Thing?
- Railing.
Thing.
(chuckles)
You're gonna take
some time getting used to.
(doorbell)
Morning, Mark.
- Morning.
Listen, I just got this
card today from Alex.
When's he coming home?
- Uh, he decided to spend
the semester with his mother.
- Hmm.
- Frankly, I've got
mixed emotions about it.
- Not me.
- Well, I would really
love to stay and visit,
but I've gotta get
dressed for work.
Besides, I'm not
supposed to be seen
with everything hanging out.
Love this chair,
just love this chair!
- Problems?
- No.
No, nothing like that.
Just minor annoyances,
little adjustments,
nothing worth talking about.
- Great, let's go...
- And talking about and
talking about and talking about...
Take it from a wiser head, son,
there are times when
it's worth pursuing
cutting your finger on a spoon,
and there are times when
you just bite your tongue
and tiptoe around it.
- You cut your
finger with a spoon?
- Okay, you go in the
kitchen and pour yourself
a cup of coffee.
- Dad, it's...
- Just do it!
(Mark sighs)
(glasses clinking)
- Okay.
- Okay.
Now reach for some cream.
- I don't use cream.
- All right, reach
for some sugar.
- I don't use sugar.
I'm a dentist, it's
bad for my image.
- All right.
Reach for a spoon
to stir the coffee.
- What's the point of
stirring black coffee?
- Dammit, Mark,
I am your father,
get a spoon out of the drawer!
(silverware clanging)
- Now what?
- Put the spoon back in
the drawer and forget it!
(clanging)
- That was fun.
- Yo, mail call!
I got something here for
you, Mark, how are ya?
- [Mark] Fine.
- Yes, for you, it says, uh,
"Former occupant." (laughs)
Nothing there for you, Royer.
But, uh, you got a
card here from a guy.
A guy, a Jerry.
Jarod?
Jerry, yeah, Terry.
Yeah, Jerry.
It says congratulations
for getting married,
he says you shoulda told him,
you coulda had his wife.
This guy Jerry's
a comic! (laughs)
What are you...
Hold, wait, hold, that's my key!
- Yeah.
- Don't!
Don't!
Threw my passkey out the window.
- Damned if he didn't.
- Why don't we go, uh, find
you an office, okay, son?
- You got it.
- Honey, we're on our
way, we'll see you later.
- Bye bye!
- Wait, don't I get a kiss?
- I'm not in the mood.
(typing)
- Honey, why do all the
women in your stories
always have creamy
arms and milky thighs?
- Maybe they work in a dairy.
- Ladies, ladies,
ladies. (chuckles)
For your edification, a
writer is a perceiving creature.
He thinks, he probes,
he finds the right words,
and he wonders why two
women are sitting around
criticizing him
when they should be
setting the table for dinner.
On alternate nights,
when it's not the men's turn.
- Huh, I think I liked
him better with his beard.
- Yeah, at least he looked wise
when he said
stupid things like that.
(doorbell)
- I'll get it.
Well, hello!
- Hello.
- Now, what's a nice
newlywed like you
doing in a place like this?
- Well, I left the office early
so I could come and
visit my granddaughter.
Where is she?
- Oh, she's asleep.
Well, newlywed, how's it going?
- Oh, just fine.
- Fine?
One week of marriage
and you're down to fine?
What happened to
fabulous, ecstatic?
- Yeah, Max, what did
happen to fabulous, ecstatic?
- Here, have a
chocolate chip cookie.
They're so good, I just
got them at the mall.
They're still warm, it's great.
Here, honey, have one.
They're really, really good.
- Okay, what's wrong?
- What do you
mean, what's wrong?
- Mom, every time
something is bothering you,
you start pigging
out on cookies.
- So... Shorty.
What's destroying your marriage?
(Ann laughs)
- Oh, nothing.
- No more.
Until we discuss this.
- That's right.
Mom, the world class discusser.
- (scoffs) Okay.
Hey, look, uh, Sam and I
are adjusting to each other.
It's normal.
Right?
Okay.
That is the sum
total of the problem.
- What kind of adjusting?
- Oh, little nothings.
He's a little fussy
about bacteria,
he misplaces my keys,
hides my toothpaste...
- And you do
nothing to annoy him?
- Of course not.
I'm your mother.
- Shorty, I think
what you're doing is
establishing territorial rights.
- Well.
You might be right.
That's very astute.
(slap)
- Thank you.
You see, marriage
is a beautiful gift.
But unlike a gift
you can't return it
on the grounds you
already have one.
- You should write that down.
- I just did, it's in
my last chapter.
Do you wanna take a look at it?
(keys jangling)
- Schneider.
Come on, what's the matter?
- That retread
husband of yours, right?
Got my passkey off
my personal keychain
and throws it out the window.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
I mean, I come up here full
of the milk of human kindness,
right?
I mean, I'm
bringing up the mail,
I don't have to do that.
I mean, I'm a building
supervising maintenance engineer.
But I do it, I do it
anyway, out of love.
- And curiosity.
- Curiosity based on love!
And your daughters, they
grew up under my personal
cloak of concern.
I mean, how many nights...
- Threw it out the window, huh?
- I really... I really
feel sorry for you.
I mean, what has it
been, eight years now?
Eight years you been
looking around, looking around
when finally you come
up with the wrong guy!
- Schneider, he
is the right guy.
He's adjusting to a
new situation, that's all.
I think you might
try to do the same.
- Let him adjust?
Let him?
I was here first!
- Ah, Schneider, come on!
Sam is really a very sweet,
down to earth, sensible man.
- Who are you?
- I'm your husband, Sam.
And I, uh, I call him Leonardo.
He calls her Mona Lisa.
They're our dinner guests.
- And section 3,
article 5, paragraph 7...
No dogs.
- Sam, my love,
what are the dogs doing here?
- They followed me home.
Why don't you get
comfortable, guys,
I'll rustle up some
hors d'oeuvres.
Is there any of that horse meat
from last night's
dinner leftover?
- Not funny, Sam.
Why are these dogs here?
- Look... They're lost.
- They're still lost, Royer.
No dogs.
Sorry, guys, rules are rules.
(barking)
No need for that
kind of language.
- Sam.
Sam, may I have
your attention, please?
It's me, your new bunkie.
No, Sam, don't give
them the tuna fish.
No, give them the
leftover roast beef.
- A-ha!
You do like dogs.
You see, guys, I
told you she was nice.
- I'm not nice, Sam.
Something annoys you so much
that you bring home two
dogs out of some kind of
rebellious perversity
and I really think we
oughta talk about it.
- Rebellious perversity?
- Yeah.
- I'm feeding a
couple of hungry dogs,
what's perverse?
(sneezes)
Maybe it's the
wallpaper, I don't know.
- Sam, we are not being
straight with each other.
We're not...
I don't know.
Okay, okay, look, um...
I said something about
spoons, no, you did,
and that was terrific
and then I went on and on
about the keys,
well, good for me.
Let's not stop there, okay?
- Okay.
- Don't say okay to
me like that, okay?
- Okay!
(Ann sighs)
(Sam sneezes)
- Oh, Sam, I really wish
you would stop sneezing
every time I say something.
- Well, I'm sorry, I don't
plan sneezing, you know?
- Yeah, well, okay.
Well?
- What?
- Would you like to
contribute to this conversation?
- Okay, okay.
(sneezes)
- Ugh!
- Look, it's an allergy!
- It's not an allergy,
Sam, it's not.
It's tension.
When you have stress and
tension, you get an allergy.
I think you should just
get rid of all the tension.
- But I love you!
Okay, okay.
Uh, we cleared up
spoons and keys.
I may be old
fashioned, you know,
but it just kind of
bothers me that...
Well, you parade around
in front of Schneider
without any clothes on!
- Oh, for heaven's sake,
Sam, I was wearing a robe!
- Do you wanna talk,
or do you wanna listen?
I mean, it's supposed
to be my apartment, too,
I'd like some say.
- Some say?
- Yes.
- Some say?
You are the one who
took all the padded hangers
for his jackets.
I'm listening.
- Okay.
Now.
I am mildly offended
that you ask me questions and
then you walk out of the room
and I end up
talking to the walls.
- Once!
I did that once.
Sam, I'm listening.
- Good.
Because now we come
to your obnoxious habit
of drinking out
of the milk carton,
putting it back
in the refrigerator,
and spreading disease.
- You wanna talk
about obnoxious habits?
How about the disgusting
way you put maple syrup
all over the cottage cheese?
- That does not spread disease.
- Ah, please, then you
bring this hairy chair
right into my living room
and worst of all,
worst of all, Sam,
you never, ever fold
the towels in thirds!
- In thirds?
Dear Lord, forgive me.
- And then you make
some cutesy remark
every time I say
something important!
And - all right.
All right!
All right, I heard what I said.
I'm getting out of here before
I say something else stupid.
I've got to cool off.
Dogs, come on.
Let's take a walk.
- It's okay, you can go.
- (sighs) Well, I
just thought that
they didn't have a place to live
and little Annie
would love a pet.
- No, Mom.
- Every little girl
should have a dog.
- No, Mom.
- Might as well get
used to it, Annie.
Dad is always
bringing home strays.
- You didn't tell me that.
- I was trying to
get him married off.
- You know, Shorty, this
thing with you and Sam
is kinda like when Julie
and I were first married.
What you have is two
people jockeying for power.
- We're not in a
power play, Max.
- Yeah, you are.
You are, you're jockeying
for power, you are.
It's just like Mark and Barbara
are doing the same thing,
except that they're
politing each other to death.
- Well, that's ridiculous,
isn't it, honey?
- Of course it is.
Thank you, sweetheart.
- You're welcome.
What Max is saying is that
you two are trying to
dominate each other,
but maybe you
don't realize it, right?
- That's right.
It's a bit of the caveman,
which you resent.
- And he resents it
because he thinks
you've been taking
Margaret Thatcher lessons.
- (laughs) I reject
the entire idea.
- I know where I've
seen these dogs before.
They belong to
that old guy who...
- He lives next
to the university!
- The bookstore!
- The bookstore, that's right!
- The university bookstore?
Well, I'll take them back.
- No, that's okay,
Mom, I'll do it.
- No, let me do it.
No, no, no.
No, let me do it, let me do it.
Here, here, here.
- No, sweetheart,
really I can do it.
- No, I'd love to do it.
- Please, you've had
a hard day, honey.
- You've had a harder day, dear.
- Sweetheart, it
would be my pleasure.
- Please, I'd love to.
I want to do it.
- See?
- That's not polite,
that's nauseating.
(door shuts)
- I knew you'd come back.
- You're sure of
yourself, aren't you?
- Dinner is waiting, if
you care to be seated.
- How nice.
Thank you.
- Did you sell the
dogs for cookie money?
- Barbara and Mark
recognized them,
took them back to their owner.
What's for dinner?
- Well, this is an omelet.
The uh, gray stuff is bacon.
It fell in some
contaminated milk.
- (laughs) Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
- Sam, the kids are very
involved with us and...
Um, they have theories.
Max thinks that we're
involved in a power struggle.
- That's interesting.
- Yeah, well it is interesting.
Do I...
Do I want you to fold the towels
because I want
you to fold the towels
or because I like the
towels folded in a certain way
or because I want to prove
that I'm stronger than you are?
- Well, you're not
stronger than I am.
I'm... Feel that.
Okay, I mean, so we uh...
We move the spoons.
Does this mean
that I win, you lose?
Aren't these things that
we can just live with?
- Jack Sprat.
- Now you're talking.
- I used to read
that to my girls.
Jack Sprat could eat no
fat, his wife could eat no lean,
and so between the two, you see,
they licked the
platter clean, okay.
My ex-husband told me I was
teaching the girls bad manners
and I said something sarcastic,
he said something vicious,
before you knew it we
said things to each other
we could never take back.
What was the fight about?
Nothing.
And it turned out to be
the beginning of the end
of our marriage.
- Annie.
Here and now, I promise
you I will never criticize
any nursery rhyme
you choose to read
to your adult daughters.
- The point is, Sam,
it was about nothing
and it turned into
something huge,
so right now I think that
we should clear the decks.
Everything that
bothers you about me,
this apartment,
our lives together,
I think we should just
get it all out in the open,
everything.
- Everything?
- Yeah.
Sweetheart, if we
clear up everything now,
what will we have to talk
about for the rest of our lives?
There is one thing.
- What?
- Bed.
- Really?
I thought you gave me a 9.7.
- No... Not you.
The bed.
Where I have to
sleep in the bed.
See, I have to
sleep on the left side.
- Huh, you never
said that to me before.
- Well, if you recall,
most of the time we
stayed at my place,
where I slept on the left side.
But now we live
in your apartment
where you sleep
on the left side.
- I have to sleep on the
left side, I have to kick out.
- Well, what do you suggest?
Twin beds, bunk beds?
Separate bedrooms,
separate apartments?
- Sam.
Is this a real problem?
- Yes.
I get up in the
middle of the night,
I find myself
standing in the closet.
That's not where I need to be.
- Sam, what I mean is,
is it a real problem
living in this apartment?
I mean, I know it
was my apartment
before it was our apartment.
If it is a real
problem, we'll move.
- Well, if it becomes a
real problem, we will move.
In the meantime, can't we
alternate sides of the bed?
I'm willing to stir my
coffee with a knife.
Okay?
- Yeah.
- And you'll always purchase
separate cartons of milk
and we're taking out a
contract on Schneider's life.
(saxophone music)
(synthesizer music)
is it ♪ This is life
♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ You just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
(sneeze)
(sneeze)
(patting)
(sniff)
- You lift your leg and
I'm calling the pound.
- Schneider, I've
asked you twice
please not to use your passkey
to come into the apartment.
Now, you do it again, I'm
gonna nail your ears to your mop.
(sniffs)
- There any reason why you're
vacuuming the
rug with your nose?
- Something in here is
kicking off my allergies.
Are you here for a reason?
- Yeah.
Brought your paper for you.
Yeah, your paperboy's
a little confused
as to, uh, you know,
who he should bill
now that you two are married,
so I told him to go ahead
and bill Ms. Romano as always
just in case you don't last.
Where did this come from?
- It's mine.
We brought it from
my old apartment.
- Why?
- [Sam] Because we like it.
- Ms. Romano likes it?
- [Sam] She loves it.
- I love it.
I love the chair, I love
the chair, I love the chair...
- See?
- Sure, I see.
I see a woman clinging
to the frayed threads
of a relationship.
I see a man with no
feeling, no compassion,
no sensitivity to his
fellow womankind.
On the other hand,
she loves you,
she might love that
chair, who knows.
- One more thing...
I really don't like
you walking around
in front of Schneider
half naked.
Everything hanging out...
- Uh, Sam, what'd you
do with the toothpaste?
- Oh, look next to the thing.
- Darling, I'm in a hurry,
please don't tell me
to look next to the thing.
- Oh, it's uh...
Behind the thing
next to the thing.
Ah!
- What's the matter?
What happened?
- I cut my finger on a spoon.
I've told you where
the spoons should be.
I reach in here, why is
this drawer full of knives?
Look, the coffee is here.
The cream and
the sugar are here,
so you want a spoon.
You get out your passport,
you hike all the way over here...
- Uh...
- If you're lucky,
you'll hire a guide,
he finds you a spoon, then
you start the return journey...
I don't understand.
- I'm gonna show
you a little trick, okay?
You pour your coffee here.
You wanna put some milk
in it, you get out the milk.
As you pour the milk,
you move over here
to where the spoons are.
As you stir your
coffee, you move over
and put it in the sink.
Voila.
- You think you're
smart, don't you?
- Yeah.
It's been less than a week.
You'll get the hang of it.
- Mm.
- Sam, aren't you
gonna be late for work?
- Well, I'm not
going to work today.
I'm going to help my son,
the dentist, find an office.
Hold it.
Hold it, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.
You drink out of the milk
carton, you put the carton
back in the refrigerator.
You expect me to
drink any of that milk?
You just loaded it up
with 20 million germs.
- 10 million.
I used up the other 10
last time I kissed you.
Sam, how can you
give your day to Mark?
What about your own work?
- Ann, sweetheart,
I've told you over...
Perhaps in the
swirl of our marriage
and the intensity
of our honeymoon,
you've forgotten that
I'm a freelance architect.
That doesn't mean I
get my lances for nothing,
it means I'm not always working.
- [Ann] What's that?
- Uh, nothing, it
wasn't that great.
- [Ann] What, our marriage?
- Nah, forget it.
- [Ann] No, what were
you saying, sweetheart?
- Nothing!
- Sam, what are my keys
doing in the bathroom?
- Uh, I used them last night.
I ran down to the drugstore.
- Do me a favor,
honey, will you, please?
When you borrow my keys, put
them back where you found them.
- Well, where did I find them?
- Right here on this thing.
- Thing?
- Railing.
Thing.
(chuckles)
You're gonna take
some time getting used to.
(doorbell)
Morning, Mark.
- Morning.
Listen, I just got this
card today from Alex.
When's he coming home?
- Uh, he decided to spend
the semester with his mother.
- Hmm.
- Frankly, I've got
mixed emotions about it.
- Not me.
- Well, I would really
love to stay and visit,
but I've gotta get
dressed for work.
Besides, I'm not
supposed to be seen
with everything hanging out.
Love this chair,
just love this chair!
- Problems?
- No.
No, nothing like that.
Just minor annoyances,
little adjustments,
nothing worth talking about.
- Great, let's go...
- And talking about and
talking about and talking about...
Take it from a wiser head, son,
there are times when
it's worth pursuing
cutting your finger on a spoon,
and there are times when
you just bite your tongue
and tiptoe around it.
- You cut your
finger with a spoon?
- Okay, you go in the
kitchen and pour yourself
a cup of coffee.
- Dad, it's...
- Just do it!
(Mark sighs)
(glasses clinking)
- Okay.
- Okay.
Now reach for some cream.
- I don't use cream.
- All right, reach
for some sugar.
- I don't use sugar.
I'm a dentist, it's
bad for my image.
- All right.
Reach for a spoon
to stir the coffee.
- What's the point of
stirring black coffee?
- Dammit, Mark,
I am your father,
get a spoon out of the drawer!
(silverware clanging)
- Now what?
- Put the spoon back in
the drawer and forget it!
(clanging)
- That was fun.
- Yo, mail call!
I got something here for
you, Mark, how are ya?
- [Mark] Fine.
- Yes, for you, it says, uh,
"Former occupant." (laughs)
Nothing there for you, Royer.
But, uh, you got a
card here from a guy.
A guy, a Jerry.
Jarod?
Jerry, yeah, Terry.
Yeah, Jerry.
It says congratulations
for getting married,
he says you shoulda told him,
you coulda had his wife.
This guy Jerry's
a comic! (laughs)
What are you...
Hold, wait, hold, that's my key!
- Yeah.
- Don't!
Don't!
Threw my passkey out the window.
- Damned if he didn't.
- Why don't we go, uh, find
you an office, okay, son?
- You got it.
- Honey, we're on our
way, we'll see you later.
- Bye bye!
- Wait, don't I get a kiss?
- I'm not in the mood.
(typing)
- Honey, why do all the
women in your stories
always have creamy
arms and milky thighs?
- Maybe they work in a dairy.
- Ladies, ladies,
ladies. (chuckles)
For your edification, a
writer is a perceiving creature.
He thinks, he probes,
he finds the right words,
and he wonders why two
women are sitting around
criticizing him
when they should be
setting the table for dinner.
On alternate nights,
when it's not the men's turn.
- Huh, I think I liked
him better with his beard.
- Yeah, at least he looked wise
when he said
stupid things like that.
(doorbell)
- I'll get it.
Well, hello!
- Hello.
- Now, what's a nice
newlywed like you
doing in a place like this?
- Well, I left the office early
so I could come and
visit my granddaughter.
Where is she?
- Oh, she's asleep.
Well, newlywed, how's it going?
- Oh, just fine.
- Fine?
One week of marriage
and you're down to fine?
What happened to
fabulous, ecstatic?
- Yeah, Max, what did
happen to fabulous, ecstatic?
- Here, have a
chocolate chip cookie.
They're so good, I just
got them at the mall.
They're still warm, it's great.
Here, honey, have one.
They're really, really good.
- Okay, what's wrong?
- What do you
mean, what's wrong?
- Mom, every time
something is bothering you,
you start pigging
out on cookies.
- So... Shorty.
What's destroying your marriage?
(Ann laughs)
- Oh, nothing.
- No more.
Until we discuss this.
- That's right.
Mom, the world class discusser.
- (scoffs) Okay.
Hey, look, uh, Sam and I
are adjusting to each other.
It's normal.
Right?
Okay.
That is the sum
total of the problem.
- What kind of adjusting?
- Oh, little nothings.
He's a little fussy
about bacteria,
he misplaces my keys,
hides my toothpaste...
- And you do
nothing to annoy him?
- Of course not.
I'm your mother.
- Shorty, I think
what you're doing is
establishing territorial rights.
- Well.
You might be right.
That's very astute.
(slap)
- Thank you.
You see, marriage
is a beautiful gift.
But unlike a gift
you can't return it
on the grounds you
already have one.
- You should write that down.
- I just did, it's in
my last chapter.
Do you wanna take a look at it?
(keys jangling)
- Schneider.
Come on, what's the matter?
- That retread
husband of yours, right?
Got my passkey off
my personal keychain
and throws it out the window.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
I mean, I come up here full
of the milk of human kindness,
right?
I mean, I'm
bringing up the mail,
I don't have to do that.
I mean, I'm a building
supervising maintenance engineer.
But I do it, I do it
anyway, out of love.
- And curiosity.
- Curiosity based on love!
And your daughters, they
grew up under my personal
cloak of concern.
I mean, how many nights...
- Threw it out the window, huh?
- I really... I really
feel sorry for you.
I mean, what has it
been, eight years now?
Eight years you been
looking around, looking around
when finally you come
up with the wrong guy!
- Schneider, he
is the right guy.
He's adjusting to a
new situation, that's all.
I think you might
try to do the same.
- Let him adjust?
Let him?
I was here first!
- Ah, Schneider, come on!
Sam is really a very sweet,
down to earth, sensible man.
- Who are you?
- I'm your husband, Sam.
And I, uh, I call him Leonardo.
He calls her Mona Lisa.
They're our dinner guests.
- And section 3,
article 5, paragraph 7...
No dogs.
- Sam, my love,
what are the dogs doing here?
- They followed me home.
Why don't you get
comfortable, guys,
I'll rustle up some
hors d'oeuvres.
Is there any of that horse meat
from last night's
dinner leftover?
- Not funny, Sam.
Why are these dogs here?
- Look... They're lost.
- They're still lost, Royer.
No dogs.
Sorry, guys, rules are rules.
(barking)
No need for that
kind of language.
- Sam.
Sam, may I have
your attention, please?
It's me, your new bunkie.
No, Sam, don't give
them the tuna fish.
No, give them the
leftover roast beef.
- A-ha!
You do like dogs.
You see, guys, I
told you she was nice.
- I'm not nice, Sam.
Something annoys you so much
that you bring home two
dogs out of some kind of
rebellious perversity
and I really think we
oughta talk about it.
- Rebellious perversity?
- Yeah.
- I'm feeding a
couple of hungry dogs,
what's perverse?
(sneezes)
Maybe it's the
wallpaper, I don't know.
- Sam, we are not being
straight with each other.
We're not...
I don't know.
Okay, okay, look, um...
I said something about
spoons, no, you did,
and that was terrific
and then I went on and on
about the keys,
well, good for me.
Let's not stop there, okay?
- Okay.
- Don't say okay to
me like that, okay?
- Okay!
(Ann sighs)
(Sam sneezes)
- Oh, Sam, I really wish
you would stop sneezing
every time I say something.
- Well, I'm sorry, I don't
plan sneezing, you know?
- Yeah, well, okay.
Well?
- What?
- Would you like to
contribute to this conversation?
- Okay, okay.
(sneezes)
- Ugh!
- Look, it's an allergy!
- It's not an allergy,
Sam, it's not.
It's tension.
When you have stress and
tension, you get an allergy.
I think you should just
get rid of all the tension.
- But I love you!
Okay, okay.
Uh, we cleared up
spoons and keys.
I may be old
fashioned, you know,
but it just kind of
bothers me that...
Well, you parade around
in front of Schneider
without any clothes on!
- Oh, for heaven's sake,
Sam, I was wearing a robe!
- Do you wanna talk,
or do you wanna listen?
I mean, it's supposed
to be my apartment, too,
I'd like some say.
- Some say?
- Yes.
- Some say?
You are the one who
took all the padded hangers
for his jackets.
I'm listening.
- Okay.
Now.
I am mildly offended
that you ask me questions and
then you walk out of the room
and I end up
talking to the walls.
- Once!
I did that once.
Sam, I'm listening.
- Good.
Because now we come
to your obnoxious habit
of drinking out
of the milk carton,
putting it back
in the refrigerator,
and spreading disease.
- You wanna talk
about obnoxious habits?
How about the disgusting
way you put maple syrup
all over the cottage cheese?
- That does not spread disease.
- Ah, please, then you
bring this hairy chair
right into my living room
and worst of all,
worst of all, Sam,
you never, ever fold
the towels in thirds!
- In thirds?
Dear Lord, forgive me.
- And then you make
some cutesy remark
every time I say
something important!
And - all right.
All right!
All right, I heard what I said.
I'm getting out of here before
I say something else stupid.
I've got to cool off.
Dogs, come on.
Let's take a walk.
- It's okay, you can go.
- (sighs) Well, I
just thought that
they didn't have a place to live
and little Annie
would love a pet.
- No, Mom.
- Every little girl
should have a dog.
- No, Mom.
- Might as well get
used to it, Annie.
Dad is always
bringing home strays.
- You didn't tell me that.
- I was trying to
get him married off.
- You know, Shorty, this
thing with you and Sam
is kinda like when Julie
and I were first married.
What you have is two
people jockeying for power.
- We're not in a
power play, Max.
- Yeah, you are.
You are, you're jockeying
for power, you are.
It's just like Mark and Barbara
are doing the same thing,
except that they're
politing each other to death.
- Well, that's ridiculous,
isn't it, honey?
- Of course it is.
Thank you, sweetheart.
- You're welcome.
What Max is saying is that
you two are trying to
dominate each other,
but maybe you
don't realize it, right?
- That's right.
It's a bit of the caveman,
which you resent.
- And he resents it
because he thinks
you've been taking
Margaret Thatcher lessons.
- (laughs) I reject
the entire idea.
- I know where I've
seen these dogs before.
They belong to
that old guy who...
- He lives next
to the university!
- The bookstore!
- The bookstore, that's right!
- The university bookstore?
Well, I'll take them back.
- No, that's okay,
Mom, I'll do it.
- No, let me do it.
No, no, no.
No, let me do it, let me do it.
Here, here, here.
- No, sweetheart,
really I can do it.
- No, I'd love to do it.
- Please, you've had
a hard day, honey.
- You've had a harder day, dear.
- Sweetheart, it
would be my pleasure.
- Please, I'd love to.
I want to do it.
- See?
- That's not polite,
that's nauseating.
(door shuts)
- I knew you'd come back.
- You're sure of
yourself, aren't you?
- Dinner is waiting, if
you care to be seated.
- How nice.
Thank you.
- Did you sell the
dogs for cookie money?
- Barbara and Mark
recognized them,
took them back to their owner.
What's for dinner?
- Well, this is an omelet.
The uh, gray stuff is bacon.
It fell in some
contaminated milk.
- (laughs) Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
- Sam, the kids are very
involved with us and...
Um, they have theories.
Max thinks that we're
involved in a power struggle.
- That's interesting.
- Yeah, well it is interesting.
Do I...
Do I want you to fold the towels
because I want
you to fold the towels
or because I like the
towels folded in a certain way
or because I want to prove
that I'm stronger than you are?
- Well, you're not
stronger than I am.
I'm... Feel that.
Okay, I mean, so we uh...
We move the spoons.
Does this mean
that I win, you lose?
Aren't these things that
we can just live with?
- Jack Sprat.
- Now you're talking.
- I used to read
that to my girls.
Jack Sprat could eat no
fat, his wife could eat no lean,
and so between the two, you see,
they licked the
platter clean, okay.
My ex-husband told me I was
teaching the girls bad manners
and I said something sarcastic,
he said something vicious,
before you knew it we
said things to each other
we could never take back.
What was the fight about?
Nothing.
And it turned out to be
the beginning of the end
of our marriage.
- Annie.
Here and now, I promise
you I will never criticize
any nursery rhyme
you choose to read
to your adult daughters.
- The point is, Sam,
it was about nothing
and it turned into
something huge,
so right now I think that
we should clear the decks.
Everything that
bothers you about me,
this apartment,
our lives together,
I think we should just
get it all out in the open,
everything.
- Everything?
- Yeah.
Sweetheart, if we
clear up everything now,
what will we have to talk
about for the rest of our lives?
There is one thing.
- What?
- Bed.
- Really?
I thought you gave me a 9.7.
- No... Not you.
The bed.
Where I have to
sleep in the bed.
See, I have to
sleep on the left side.
- Huh, you never
said that to me before.
- Well, if you recall,
most of the time we
stayed at my place,
where I slept on the left side.
But now we live
in your apartment
where you sleep
on the left side.
- I have to sleep on the
left side, I have to kick out.
- Well, what do you suggest?
Twin beds, bunk beds?
Separate bedrooms,
separate apartments?
- Sam.
Is this a real problem?
- Yes.
I get up in the
middle of the night,
I find myself
standing in the closet.
That's not where I need to be.
- Sam, what I mean is,
is it a real problem
living in this apartment?
I mean, I know it
was my apartment
before it was our apartment.
If it is a real
problem, we'll move.
- Well, if it becomes a
real problem, we will move.
In the meantime, can't we
alternate sides of the bed?
I'm willing to stir my
coffee with a knife.
Okay?
- Yeah.
- And you'll always purchase
separate cartons of milk
and we're taking out a
contract on Schneider's life.
(saxophone music)
(synthesizer music)