One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 2 - Take My Ex - full transcript

Sam is pampering his ex-wife a bit too much for Ann's tastes.

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what
you do ♪ Hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Mom come on,

who cares if she called
you a Bolshevik turkey.

Let her try and run the
bake sale all by herself.



Come on.

Mom, Sam is
pointing at his watch.

Which means either he
wants to use the phone

or he's trying to
sell me that watch.

(audience laughs)

Oh no, look mom,
I don't believe that.

I mean in my opinion,

if you want to steal a recipe.


(audience laughs)

I get it Sam, I get it.

What? Annie said
her first word today?

I don't believe it!

What did she...
- Hi Catherine, it's Sam.

I just wanted to
say I love you okay?


(audience laughs)

Watch, very closely.

Watch this.

Casey, Royer.

Ah, 10 o'clock tomorrow morning?

Okay, right.



- You didn't even ask
him how his wife is.

- I don't care how his wife is.

(audience laughs)

- You're impossible.

You know what my love?

You forgot to
pick up the tickets

to the Purdue game tonight.

- You're right, ah.

Listen, I'm sorry.

You did it.

- [Ann] I did it.

- You are an angel.

- [Ann] Yes.

- You know, I think I'll keep
you around after the romance

has faded just for handy.

(audience laughs)
- [Ann] Good idea.


- I'll get it.
- It's for you.

- It's an improvement.

I've got Schneider knocking
instead of just walking in.

(audience laughs)

- Now if we can only reduce
the number of times per day.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, what
can we do for you?

- His ex wide is
on her way over.

- How does he know that?

- Because Barbara called me.

She tried to call
you, line was busy.

Then I tried to call you,

line was still busy.

- Don't look at me.

Sam was the last
one to use the phone.

(audience laughs)

- I was just born loquacious.

- Oh yeah?

I was born caesarian.

(audience laughs)

Anyway, what are we gonna
do to handle his ex wife?

- There's nothing to
handle that involves him.

- Right. Schneider,
she's welcome.

- She's welcome?

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

She's welcome. Right.

She divorces him right?

She gets the house, the boat,

half of everything else
and she's welcome!

But me, I gotta knock.

What the.

(audience laughs)

- Sam, um.

Should I change?

- No, don't change.

I like sloppy.


- Did you know that
she was coming over?

- Yeah, why?

- I don't know, you
just never mentioned it.

Does she want
something in particular?

- Maybe she wants my body.

- Why?

(audience laughs)

- Be careful.

Look, yeah, I mean, you know,

she's been staying
with the kids.

Why are you surprised
that she's coming over?

- Surprised is not the word.

Interested is the word.

Sam, did you used to bite
the back of her knee too?

You did!

- Yes but you got
the perfected version.

(audience laughs)

- [Schneider] Emergency!

Emergency! Emergency!

I just used the emergency key.

I only use it in an emergency.

It goes in the emergency pocket.

It's not even on the
key chain, alright?


Your ex wife, just drove
up with Barbara and Mark.

She's got a look on
her face, spells trouble.

- How does he know that?

- Come on, when you're
an ex wife, smiling, happy,

not a care in the world,
we're talking about trouble.

Woman is out for blood.

(audience laughs)

- Hi.

Hi Schneider.

- Hello Sam.

- Marge.

- [Marge] How are you?

- Fine, you look great.

- [Marge] Thank you, oh.

- Of course you know...

- Dwayne F Schneider.

(audience laughs)

- The janitor of the building.

- [Marge] Yes I remember.

- And my wife, Ann.

My former wife, (laughs)


- Marge, hi, how are you?

Come on in, sit down.

- I'm fine, and
you look terrific.

- [Ann] Thank you.

- How do you keep
that fantastic figure?

- Oh! Well, I ah.

I exercise a lot.

- Jogging?

- That too.

(audience laughs)

- Marge, Marge, Marge.

- Oh.

- What do we have here?

Homemade blueberry muffins.

- Oh you!

They're Mark and Sam's favorite.

I just made a few extras.

- Yes, Mark has
eaten seven already.

- Thank you. Thank you
for sharing that with them.

(audience laughs)

- Gee whiz.

Just think of all
these little blueberries,

giving up their lives for us.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, kinda makes you
sad just to think about them

laying there getting stale.

Doesn't it?

- I'll get some plates.

- You know, Marge.

Baking is a great
american tradition and you,

huh huh huh,

you rank right up
there at the top.


- Thank you.

- It's called sensitivity.

(audience laughs)

- What does she want?

- What?

- Why is she here?

- I don't know.

Maybe she just came
to bring by the muffins.

She's very nice, mom.

- I didn't say she wasn't nice.

- Look mom, she's Mark's
mother and my mother-in-law.

Don't start trouble.

- I'm not starting trouble.

I just asked what
she's doing here.

Is it wrong to ask
what she's doing here?

- And don't you dare
turn me against her.

(audience laughs)

- All I asked is, what
is she doing here.

- What who's doing here?

- Ah. Your mother.

- You don't like her do you?

(audience laughs)

- Ugh.

- So Marge,

what makes you think that
you can't handle this alone?

- I know it's an imposition,

but I really would appreciate
it if you could help me out.

You're so knowledgeable
about real estate.

- Okay marge, sure.

Where are the papers?

- Oh, dear.

I left them in the
glove compartment.

I guess I'll have to go
downstairs and get them.

- No. I'll go downstairs.

- No, no. Mom, I'll get them.

Barb and I have to
get going anyway.

- Uh, yeah.

Right, we do.

- Oh, well, then
I'll drive you home.

- No, the kids
don't mind walking.

- No, and Mark obviously
needs the exercise.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'll just go
downstairs with you then

and bring the papers back up.

- You know, you'd like her if
you'd just give her a chance.

(audience laughs)

- Thanks Mark. See you.

She's uh, needs some help.

She's thinking about
selling some property.

- I didn't ask.

- Oh, sweetheart. I'm a
little worried about the car.

It's wooching again.

- Oh, I'll take a look at it.

- Wooching?

- Yeah, you know.

It's one of those family
words like um, donkling.

(audience laughs)

Come one mom, we'll
twerkle down there.

(audience laughs)

- Why do you all treat
Marge as if she might break?

- Ann, she's not like you.

She's feminine.

(audience laughs)

I mean, she's helpless feminine.

She's not good feminine.

Marge is just one of
those people who has to be

babied all the time.

Besides, she just broke up
with this guy she's been seeing

and she's all alone.

- She seemed confident
enough at Barbara's wedding.

- Well that was easy.

All she had to do was cry.

(audience laughs)

Boy I'm telling you.

These muffins

are adequate.

(audience laughs)

- That good huh?


- You know what?

Those papers were in
my purse all the time.

I feel so silly.

- Marge, it could happen
to anybody, really.

- Oh, Sam.

It's stuck.

- Here.

Ann's real good with zippers.

(audience laughs)

- Must be wonderful
to be so handy.

- Well they call me
Mrs. Goodwrench.

(audience laughs)

- I bet they do.


(audience laughs)

Oh, thank you.

So good.

All these papers, I don't
understand real estate.

- Don't worry about it.

I'll take a look. Just sit down.

- [Marge] Thank you.

- Annie are my
glasses over there?

- No, uh Sam it's...

- [Sam] Could you get
them for me please?

- [Marge] Sam, I really
don't want to sell the cabin.

But I just never use it anymore.

- No, I think it's okay.

[Marge] I'm sorry to be
bothering you with all of this.

- It's no bother. (blows)

- [Marge] It's just that I
didn't want to sign anything

until I made absolutely
sure that everything was right.

(audience laughs)
You know what I mean?

- Well, the point is Marge,

I think if it feels
right, it's right.

[Marge] Well.

- You have a good sense of this.

I've tried to tell you
that for at least 20 years.


[Marge] Thank you, Sam.

- Annie, could you
give me a pencil please?

The thing is, you just
don't worry your little head.

- Or you get wrinkles
in your little tush.


Oh it's a little thing Sam
used to always say to me.

- Ha.

(audience laughs)

- Well, it's 6.6% of 72.

Ann, um, could you
grab the calculator there?

Would you just run
this off for me please?

6 point, I tell you what.

Um, Marge, why don't I shoot
these over to my attorney,

have him take a look.

- I'd much rather
you look at it.

- It's just that this way,

you could be sure.

- Okay.

- Hi.

- [Ann] Hi, Valerie, I
thought you'd gone home.

- Yeah, we were going but
Mark is looking at Marge's wooch.

- [Ann] He's what?

- He's trying to fix her wooch.

- You haven't
had that fixed yet?

- How do you fix a wooch?

- It's been almost two years.

- Is that a long
life for a wooch?

- My carburetor makes
a wooching noise.

- Oh! Carburetor.

- Marge, it's just a
simple adjustment.

- Ann, what do you think?

- I don't know
anything about cars.

- Oh, really?

- [Ann] Really.

- Really Marge, you
oughta see a mechanic.

- I will, Sam.
But it's Saturday.

Would you just see what
you could do with it for now?

I just want to be
sure I could get home.

- I'll buy that.

- Mom.

Look, I need the toolbox.

Mark needs...
- I'll get the toolbox.

I'll see if I can
give Mark a hand.

- Oh, thank you Sam. I
really do appreciate it.

- Think nothing of it.

- Marge, would you
like a cup of coffee?

- Oh, no thank you Barbara.

I think I'll go downstairs
and watch Sam and Mark.

Who knows, maybe I
can learn something.


Oh! Thank you.

- [Sam] Be right back.

- You bet.

- What's wrong, mom?

- Nothing.

- [Barbara] What's wrong, mom?

- Has it ever
occurred to anybody,

that once, I mean if it
wouldn't be too much trouble,

I'd like somebody
to fix my wooch.

(audience laughs)


- Sam, I really
think she's unhappy.

- Well, what's her problem?

- Well, she wants
her wooch fixed.

- A man can only work
on one wooch at a time.

(audience laughs)

- Listen to the voice
of inexperience and

go in and talk to her.

- Okay.

- Thanks.

- Think I should knock?

I live here. Who cares?

(audience laughs)

Next, ladies and gentlemen,

we come to the
world famous painting,

woman seated on a sofa,

shredding muffins
in deep despair.

(audience laughs)

- I'm not in deep despair, Sam.

Whatever gave you that idea?

- Well, Barbara did say you
wanted your wooch checked.

- I was just joking.

- [Sam] Sure?

- Of course, I'm sure.

Go, fix the car.

Marge is waiting for you.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Really, I'm fine.

- That's my Annie.

I'll be right back.

There's nothing wrong with her.

- Mom.

- Sam just looked
at me and said,

that's my Annie and walked out!

The man has no sensitivity.

He has no insight.

He doesn't know the
first damn thing about me!

- [Barbara] Sam! Sam!

- [Sam] Yeah? Just a sec.

The elevator just got here.

What is it now?

- You have no
insight, no sensitivity,

and you don't know
a thing about women.

- That's a quote?

- I left out a damn.

(audience laughs)

And do it right this time?

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

(clears throat)


- Go fix the car.

- The car can wait
if this is important.

- What do you
mean, if it's important?

- Well, how do I
know it's important,

unless you tell me
what it is that's important.

(audience laughs)

- If you cared, you'd know.

(audience laughs)


- Sam.

- What do you want Marge?

- We're waiting for you.

- I'm sorry.

I'll be there right away.

- Well, when?

- In five minutes.

- Aw.

- Four minutes, Marge.

- Sam.

- Marge, if you start now,

I'll probably beat
you there okay?


23 years of that.


At first, it was
wonderful you know,

to be flattered like that,

and really needed all the time.

After awhile, it just
wears you down.

I am so lucky that I had
the brains to marry you.

You're steady, reliable.

- [Ann] Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- You're right.

- I usually am.

(audience laughs)

- I think of myself
as a strong and

independent person.

That's the way I want it.

That's the way that I think
a woman really ought to be.

And I think of someone
treating a woman like a

pretty little doll.

Like a delicate piece of china.

It's revolting.

I hate it.

I mean, people who are
strong and independent

can take care of themselves.

For eight long years.

In a dog-eat-dog world.

With a mean vicious
business partner

and a mother that drives me bats

and two child-bride daughters

with their peach-fuzz
husbands and...

(audience laughs)




I want to be mommied too.

[Ann] Well?

- Well, what?

(audience laughs)

- [Ann] Say something.

- What?

(audience laughs)

- God! Sam!

- I didn't realize I
married a closet Marge.

(audience laughs)

- A closet Marge?

Sam, I am asking for
an occasional pampering.

That shouldn't be
too difficult for you.

You've certainly had
enough experience.

- Well, I didn't spend
23 years with Marge

as a practice run
so I could baby you.

- I don't want to be babied!

I want to be mommied!

(audience laughs)

- Baby. Mommy.

I really don't give a
damn what you want.

I married you because you were
a strong independent woman.

At least that is the way you
presented yourself to me.

- Presented myself to you.

I don't remember coming
to you for an interview, Sam.


I do not want to be treated
the way you treat Marge.

I don't want to be
pampered every 2 minutes.

I don't want to be
mollycoddled every second.

No, no, no. Not every minute.

Maybe every second
leap year, okay?

I certainly don't expect
you to make an emasculated

wimp out of yourself
like you've done with her.

(audience oohs)

- Don't we have a silver tongue?

(audience laughs)

Why didn't you just tell
daddy what you wanted?

Like your diaper is too tight?

You want me to tuck
you in bed better?

I mean, I'm not mashing
the carrots right?

What is it with you?

Is it your time?

(audience laughs)

- [Ann] Oh! Oh! Oh!



- Oh, you are here?

- [Sam] Yes.

- We just came to get the keys.

- Keys.
- And drop off the tools.

- [Sam] Thank you.

- Marge is on her way home.

- [Mark] Yeah, I stuck some
chewing gum on the wooch.

- Are we in the
middle of a fight?

- We're in the
middle of a fight.

(audience laughs)

- Well, we've really gotta
go, so we'll see you later.

- Hey, see you at the game.

- Here, take Julie and Max.

- Big fight.

(audience chuckles)

- Sam, mom, look, every
time Mark and I have a fight,

we just, we... (audience laughs)

(blows air)


(audience laughs)

- I'm looking for my slippers.

(audience laughs)

Do you mind?

- You planning on
wearing them to bed?

- I will if I want to.

(audience laughs)

I don't want to
wear them to bed,

I'm taking them off.

(audience laughs)

I hope this doesn't
instigate another beating.

- I'm sorry I hit you.

- You're sorry you hit me.

That's it?

- You weren't listening to me.

- I was listening.

- Okay.

Then you didn't hear me.

- Look, Ann.

The way I treat Marge,

it's just habit.

For the last 10 years
of that marriage,

I did things for her,

because I didn't have
anything else to offer.

I can't treat you like a baby.

I will not treat
you like a baby.

- I don't want to be
treated like a baby, Sam.


Look, I'm as independent
as I ever was but,

sometimes this
little girl shows up,

and she needs

to have this broken
doll that she has, fixed.

- I understand, Ann.

I really do.

I'm just trying
to tell you that,

I don't think that I can
fix any broken dolls.

Not now.

I just, I don't think I'm ready.

- [Ann] Huh.



And I am ready.


I'm finally strong enough,

to realize that I don't want
to be strong all the time.

- I don't want to be
strong all the time, either.

You know, I think
what we both need is to

take care of each other.

- Oh, Sam.

I love you so.

- I love you too, you know that.

There is something else
that I'd like to say, though.

- What's that?

- I'm not an emasculated wimp.

(audience laughs)

- I can attest to that.

(audience laughs)

- I'd like to take this
opportunity to prove it to you.

(audience laughs)

(audience claps)

(instrumental music)