One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 26 - Honeymoon II - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ (This is it)

♪ This is life ♪ The one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ (This is it)

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ And keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ (One day at a time)

♪ So up on your feet
♪ (Up on your feet)

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ You just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ (One day at a time)

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ (One day at a time)

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- It is not a change,
Francine, okay?

The Berman account is an advance

and the Pelnak account
is the one that's active.

No, dammit,
Francine, we decided it.

You and I dec...

Barbara, what the
hell are you doing?

- I'm identifying
your luggage for you.

With pink ribbon
on it, you can spot it

a mile away on those
baggage carousels.

- You want me to cancel
my honeymoon, Francine,

is that what you're after?

Because if you are... (sighs)

No, sorry, you're right.

Yes. (chuckles)

Okay, we will.

Bye bye.

Ugh, that woman.

Sometimes I would like... - Ann.

- Hmm?

- I think we have a
larger problem here.

- Oh?

- I'm not sure I want pink
ribbon on my suitcase.

- I'm with him.

- Now, wait a second.

Look, your bags go
around and around

on those merry-go-rounds
at the airport, right?

And then you break your
back lifting yours off, right?

Only it turns out
not to be yours.

It looks like yours,
but it's not yours...

- Take the pink ribbon, Dad.

- I'll take the pink ribbon.

- Now, Mom, you
have your airline tickets

and your voucher for the hotel?

- Yes, I do, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Sam, darling, don't
get too comfortable.

We're leaving.

- We're leaving?

- Don't count on it.

- Mark, come on, we have
to get them to the airport

in exactly...

- Ooh, Barbra, darling, darling,

on Wednesday morning
will you call Francine

and tell her to get in
touch with the manager of

Fortnam Laboratories, okay?

- Okay.

- He is not a good looking
man, so she'll probably forget.

- Happy honeymoon
to the lovebirds!

- [Ann] Oh!

- Got you a couple of
little going away presents

for your skiing
trip up in Canada.

This one is for Quebec.

- Oh!

Thank you!

- Tell 'em.

Tell 'em, kid.

- That's all you need
'cause it never rains

on honeymoon couples.

(both laugh)

- Twirl it fast enough, you
can use it in a downpour.

Show 'em the
piece de resistance.

- Okay, this is when you
get to the ski lodge, okay?

Oh, sorry.

Now, we all know that Ms. R
can't ski and everything, right?

So voila!

Isn't this great?

Now you can break your
leg while you're sitting down.

- Grandma Moses
won the downhill in this.

- Oh, I really
appreciate... It is...


- Have fun.

- Thank you, honey.

Oh, thank you too,
Schneider, I appreciate it.

- Hey, de nada, de nada.

- So, you really a
good skier, Sam?

- Oh, my, yes.

He won the bronze medal
for the qualifying rounds

of the pretrials of
the preliminary heats

for the '60 Olympic tryouts.

- Wow.

- It was, uh, close.

- Oh, Alex, darling, sweetheart,

while we're gone,
Schneider is going to be

your proxy parent, okay?

So his good judgment
is gonna have to prevail.

Let me put that another way...

- Why don't you just
send a postcard, okay?

(Ann laughs)

- You had these pink
things stuck on your luggage.

- Oh!

- Oh, Schneider!

That was to keep
it from getting lost!

- Oh, Barbara, darling,
Wednesday morning

if you'll tell Francine...

- Okay, Wednesday morning.

Fine, don't worry about it.

- Have fun!
- Bye bye!

- Have a great trip!

- Bye bye.

- I'll call you, Mark.


(Ann laughs)

- Like it?

- Oh, love it!

- Move it.

Oh, this stuff is heavy.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

(Ann laughs)

- You ever think about
getting wheels for the bottom?

- Yeah, but she'd
probably roll off the bed.

- You two newlyweds?

- Yes, we are.
- Yeah.

- Second time around.

- How'd you know?

- Oh, I've seen them all.

Young guy, young girl

or old guy, young chick.

Or once in a while,
old chick, young punk.

Or like you two.

Old guy, old chick.

What do you want me
to do with the luggage?

- Don't say it, Ann.

- Put it on the luggage
rack, I suppose.

- If we had a luggage rack,

I wouldn't be asking
you the question.

- (laughs) Okay, fine.

Uh, where would you
put it if we weren't here?

- Back on the airplane.

- Why don't you
take the two big ones

and put them on the bed.

- On the bed.

- Yes.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

- So, if you need anything,

my name is Grady Lewis

and you just push
that button over there

where it says bellboy.


I'm 54 years old.


Have a pleasant
stay at King's Inn,

where hospitality and God's
mountains go hand in hand.

Must be the third time around.

- (scoffs) I can't
believe that man!

- Ah, come on, Ann, you
gotta have a sense of humor

about these things.

I mean, so he's a little casual.

So what?

- Sam?

- Yeah?

- That's not my suitcase.

- You sure?

- Yeah, mine was brand new,

this has scuff
marks all over it.

- Well, they do have
special scuffing departments

in most major airports.

- Ah, Sam, it means that
everything I have to wear

is on my back right now.

Hey, no.

We're in luck.

I can wear this
to dinner tonight.

- Listen, I think we can both
wear that to dinner tonight.

- Dammit, dammit, dammit,
all my new clothes, everything.

- Well, look.

You can wear my underwear,

we'll sew up the little
door in front, okay?

Look, Ann...

I mean, if worse comes to worse,

we'll buy you some
new clothes, okay?

How important is this?

- You know, right now I
would like my new husband

to get a little angry and yell
at the bellboy or something,

not offer me his underwear

and tell me I can sew
up the little door in front.

- 'Kay.

I'll, uh, wax his eyelashes.

(Ann scoffs)


Now, let's neck, come on.

Come on.

- You buzzed?

- Yes, as a matter of fact.

Uh, Grady, this
is not my suitcase.

- Then why did you open it?

- I don't think we're
gonna get anywhere here.

I'll check with the desk.

- Thanks.

Now, Grady, this is not mine,

so I would like to
know where you got it.

- From the suitcase
tree, Madame.

Right next to the
briefcase bush.

- Look, Grady, somewhere
there is a suitcase

that looks exactly like this.

If you could find it for me, I
would be very appreciative.


Very appreciative.

- Couldn't we just
settle for a tip?

- Look, uh, could
you just take that away

and find me mine?

- Can I give you
just a little advice?

- Yeah.

- Relax.

Try not to get grouchy
until after the honeymoon.

- Thank you.


- Well, we're in luck.

I ran into the manager,
he's gonna put a check

on your suitcase.

- That means he'll ask me.

- Darling, uh, let's uh...

I don't know, take
a walk in the snow,

go out, do some... I can't!

I can't.

I can't do that.

I don't have the right boots,
I don't have any clothes...

- Okay, Ann.

Ann, I tell you what
we're gonna do.

- Ugh.

- We're gonna go
downstairs, find a shop,

buy you some clothes, okay?

Then we'll go out,
we'll find a mountain,

we'll rent some ski equipment,

then we'll find a bunny slope.

I personally will give
you skiing lessons

and we're gonna forget all
about this missing suitcase.

- Okay.

- My god, I am wonderful!

(Ann laughs)

- [Ann] Oh, would you watch it?

Okay, easy, Grady!

- Beginners should never ski.

- Careful, careful, careful!

- Darling, uh, could
you give a little hop?

- A little hop?

I have a broken back!

- I didn't hear him!

- Why not?

- What?

- Why not?

- Oh, my ears must be all
stuffed up from the altitude.

- He says he has a broken back.

- Oh!

No, darling, your
back's not broken.

The doctor says it's in spasm.

- Thank you.

- Grady, maybe you
can get his pants off.

- No way!

- Ah!

- You married him,
you get his pants off.

- Um, look, could
you just lift him

about, uh, I don't know,
an inch off the ground?

- Madame, I am a
bellboy, not a derrick.

- Ah!

Okay, all right,
darling, take it easy,

take it easy, take it easy.

Okay, listen to me.

You can't stand around
for the rest of your life

with your pants half off, right?


You think you
can sit on the bed?

- No.

- You sat in a wheelchair,
I'm sure you can sit on the bed.

- No.

- This is no time for a debate.

Move back.

- Okay.

Okay, hold on.

(Sam yelps) (Ann yells)

Sam, are you okay, Sam?



Grady, you are such a dumb man!

Sam, sweetheart, are you okay?

- Just cover me
up and let me die.

- Not a bad idea.

- Okay, now, we have to get
you parallel to the bed, Sam.

- No.

- Yes, we do.

Um... Okay, uh, Grady...

Do you think you can help
me do that without killing him?

- I don't think that's
too good an idea.

If you want my opinion...
- What?

- Let's get him
parallel to the bed.

- Why do I have to
be parallel to the bed?

- Okay, okay, all right...

Where is that sense of
humor of yours, huh, Sam?

- I don't know.

- All right, darling, just
squinch your butt over

just a little... (Sam
yelps) There we go.

- If you want my opinion, lady,
you are destroying this man.

People who can't ski
shouldn't go near the mountain.

- Oh, he can ski.

He got a medal for skiing!

- We fell off the chairlift.

- You what?

- We were going
up the chairlift, right?

I leaned over to kiss him.

We went over one of those lumps

where the cable
goes over a post.

I fell, he tried to save me,

boom smash clunk
right in the snow.

- I don't think I
ever heard anything

as stupid as that
in my whole life.

- He's right, it's stupid.

I'd just like to be
alone for a little while.

- What'd he say?

- He said he'd like to be alone

and for you to
give me a nice tip.

- (laughs) You'll get your
nice tip when you find my bag,

okay, Grady?

Thank you.

- Fell off a chairlift,
you deserve each other.

- What?

- Have a nice day!

- You, too.

- Hello.

- I heard that.

My ears just popped.


Say something else.

- I love you.

- Say it again.

- I love you.

- I heard it the first time.

Oh, what a wonderful
way to wake up.

- Yeah.


- Darling?

- Yeah?

- It's 3:15 in the morning.

- Yes, I know.

- Oh, have you been awake long?

- Well, I heard the
twelve midnight rooster.

He wakes up the 12:30 rooster,

who in turn wakes
up the village dog,

who seems to be responsible
for waking the 1:15 rooster.

It wasn't a total loss, though,

one of my legs slept
through the entire thing.

- Sam, do you want
to fly home tomorrow?

- How?

On the overhead luggage rack?

- Poor Sam.

- Yeah, poor Sam.

Don't ever do that again.

- What?

- Your lips are chapped.

It's like kissing
number 36 sandpaper.

- Oh, I guess with
the wind and the sun...

(Ann laughs)

I can't believe all this.

- Yeah, don't, don't
move around too much,

it moves the back, okay?

- Oh, it's just with my
lips and your bad back,

it's our honeymoon, right?

- Yeah.

- And then your knee. (laughs)

- Please, don't...
Please, please...

- I couldn't hear...

- No, actually, it's good.

Keep moving, I may
pass out from the pain.

- Okay, uh, ick up your cards.

- "Ick up my cards?"

- (stutters) I can't...

- I can't even lean forward.

- Okay.

- Fan 'em out, fan 'em out.

Okay, uh...

Fifth one from your right.

- Yeah, here.

- Goes on the left, far left.

- Okay, right, got it, yeah.

- Uh... Third and
fourth from the left,

third fourth and
fifth from the left...

- Yeah.

- Go right next to the end.

- Here?

- Next to the end, yeah.

- I can't get them in there...

- Okay, that's
good, that's good.

- Okay.

- Uh, okay, third
one from the left

goes all the way to the left.

- Uh, there.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- What are we playing?

- Okay, what I wanna
know is why did you

name your dog Torquemada?

- Well, we were studying
the Spanish Inquisition

in school and he
was a terrible dog.

Just taking him for
a walk was torture.

He could sit up and
roll over, say his prayers.

He could, but he wouldn't.

I called him Torquie.

- Uh-huh.

- Mm-hmm.

- I had a dog I named Spotty.

- I bet he had a
lot of spots, huh?

- Very good, Sam.

I was seven years old,

you're not clever with
names when you're seven.

Were you ever seven?

- Nope.

- I'm just trying to
picture you as a little boy

in a little town, okay,
with a dog named Torquie.

- Mm-hmm.

- Towhead, stocky,
not very good in school

because you were always
looking out the window

wondering what
was over the next hill.

- Oh, I knew what
was over the next hill.

- Oh yeah?

- Victoria's house.

I can't begin to
tell you with what

a deep, throbbing passion I...

Hated that girl.

- Mm-hmm.

- I went to school one day

and I didn't know
that my fly was open.

Guess who noticed?

- Victoria.

- Yeah.

- Uh-huh.

- "Miss Crothers, Sam
Royer's pants are open, look!"

- You must have died!

- Yeah.

You would have
punched her out, right?

- Oh, come on, Sam.

Little girls don't think
in terms of punching out.

- No, you.

- Well, they had
to be really bad.

I wouldn't hit her hard.

(Sam laughs)

- I think our patterns are
set pretty early, you know?

- Yeah.

- You must've been
a beautiful, feisty little

organizing demon.

- Mm.

Beautiful, feisty little
organizing demon.

Is that the way you think of me?

- Why not?

I mean, we are pretty
different people, you know.

Which is why it's
great the way you're

looking after me in
this insane honeymoon.

Thank you.

- Mm.

- Kiss me.

- Sam, lip gunk all over me.

- Lip gunk me.

Mmmm... it's getting better.

- Mm, it is, isn't it?

- Yeah, unfortunately
my back isn't.

- I'll feed you
some more waffles.

Oh, hi, darling,
how are you feeling?

Oh, I'm sorry I took so long,

but I had to buy
some more clothes

and I had a little
fight with Grady.

They found my suitcase.

- Oh, no kidding?

- It's in Nova Scotia.

It ended up on
somebody's tour somehow.

Sam, what are you doing?

- Oh, just a little
problem in logistics.

- Let me see.

Are those human figures?

- Yes.

- Hmm.

- This is me.

Bad back, right?

- Right.

- I can't move to the left, I
can't move perpendicularly,

I can move a
little to the right.

Now, my knee doesn't
move horizontally.

It moves a little to the right.

This is you.

Full of movement, uh...

I figure it's just a matter
of geometrical alignment.

- Why, Samuel C. Royer!

- Well, what's a honeymoon for?

Look, using the principles
of stress and torsion,

we can achieve our objective

at points A and D.

If I faint, just throw a
little water in my face,

we'll start all over again.

- No, Sam.

- Yeah, you're right.

I mean the lateral stress
would split the fulcrum

at point X.

Still, it's an interesting
concept, huh?

- Mm, yes it is.

- Maybe I'll mail it to
Popular Mechanics.

- Torquie, Torquie,
you've come back, fella!

- Oh!

I didn't know you were awake.

- Yeah.

Well, I had a nightmare.

Just woke me up.

- What'd you dream?

- I dreamt I was a woman.

- Mm-hmm.

- I was pregnant,
I was giving birth.

You know, I was in
labor for three years.

Then I had a daughter.

- Mm-hmm.

- And they handed her to me

and she looked like Schneider.

That's when I woke up.

- Oh, I love you.

- Well, it's easy for you
to say when you're safe.

We're leaving here tomorrow
and you're still a virgin.

(Ann laughs)

- Well, my darling, so are you.

- Yeah, don't tell
the guys, okay?

- What guys?

- Any guys!

- (laughs) Sam, you know,
I've been noticing something.

It's very strange for us.

We've been together for six days

and we haven't yelled
at each other, not once.

I love that.

- Well, it's not
exactly a miracle.

I've been in considerable pain

and you've been busy
shouting at a 54 year old bellhop.

- We're gonna have
to give him a big tip.

Darling, other people would
be blaming each other for this

silly honeymoon, but we haven't.

Not once.

Did I just call it a
silly honeymoon?

- Yes.

Don't tell the guys.

- It's not a silly honeymoon.

It's a fabulous honeymoon,
it's a wonderful honeymoon.

I love taking care of you.

- Ah.

I liked it.

Usually when I'm sick I
don't want anybody near me.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Hmm.

Honey, I think we're
gonna have to face facts.

I like you.

I really like you.

- Well, it's not unbelievable.

I'm very likable.

- I love you.

Inside, outside and
I love loving you,

do you know what I'm saying?

- Yes, I suppose you expect
me to say that I love you.

- If you don't, I'll
kick you in the back.

- Well, I don't.

I adore you.

It's a sissy word,
I take that back.

- Don't take it back, I accept.

- Okay.


- We're very lucky.

- Yes.


- Hmm?

- You're re-breaking my back.

- I won't tell the guys.

Go to sleep, love.

- Get ready for a world
class sporting event.

- Which is?

- I am going to sprint to
the bathroom unassisted.

No, I'm not.

- (gasps) Okay, all right.

Here I am, here I
am, darling, okay?

- Thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome.

(knocking at door)

Come on in!

- Here it is.

- Ah, my suitcase!

Uh, are you gonna be okay?

- No, but I'm a brave man.

- Oh, Grady!

I can't believe it.

- I'll tell you a little secret.

It was downstairs
the whole time.

Is everything there?

- Oh, well, it does seem to be,

it really...

Downstairs all the time?

- Yeah, well,

see, we got this little
closet down there

and when we get a big
mountain of luggage coming,

the overflow
goes in that closet.

- Downstairs all the
time in the closet?

- It musta gotten
shoved right to the back.

- And you didn't tell me?

You and your stupid
staff let me go out

and buy new clothes
and new underwear

and all the time my
suitcase was in the closet,

stuffed into a little
corner downstairs!

I mean, would you
like to explain to me

what that cock and bull story
was about Nova Scotia, huh?

Were you and your whole
staff in on that one, too?

Don't tell her
it's in the closet,

tell the poor dumb
lady it's in Nova Scotia!

What the hell is the
matter with you people?

(door slams)

- Thanks, she needed that.

- Wow, she really
goes, doesn't she?

I'm sorry she got so upset.

- Better you than me.

Listen, uh, Grady...

Uh... Ah.

- Grady.

Grady, I... I'm really
sorry, here you go.

I shouldn't have
spoken to you like that.

- Oh, no problem, hey.

You know, you are gonna
have a great marriage.

She's got a lot more first
time bride in her than I thought.

- Oh!

Guess what, Mom?

Look, I can walk!

- Hey!

- How long before we
have to be to the airport?

- No time for that.

- Now, how did he know?

- Oh, he's seen it all.

- Ah.

- Young guy, young girl.

- Yeah.

- Old guy, young chick.

Once in a while old
chick, young punk.

And then there
are people like us.

Old guy, old chick.

Let's go, Pops.

(saxophone music)

(synthesizer music)