One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 25 - Second Time Around - full transcript
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So why you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight we'll muddle
through one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, na na na na
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, na na na na
♪ One day at a time
- Bizarre?
- Hmm?
- Why do you read the
obituaries every morning?
- Starts my morning off
with a lift when I find out
I'm not in them.
(audience laughs)
- Ah.
- Hmm.
- What?
- I can't, no.
- What's the matter?
- It's Sam.
- Sam died?
- No, but I may kill
him listen to this.
(audience laughs)
Mr Samuel Royer of
Indianapolis announces
his forthcoming marriage to
Ann Romano of Indianapolis
this coming Saturday
somewhere in Indianapolis.
(audience laughs)
- That means you're
getting married in three day.
Bizarre why didn't
you say something?
- What do you mean?
(audience laughs)
What do you mean why
didn't I say something,
because I didn't know,
because I didn't know,
because I didn't know.
- Are you saying
you didn't know?
(audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)
- Morning sweetheart.
I bet you read
the morning paper.
(audience laughs)
better get a move on we got
a big day, blood tests, license,
say something.
- Three days to get married?
- Too long (audience laughs)
- What if I hadn't read
the papers this morning?
- Oh come on Ann, 7:30
wake up, eight minute shower,
7:55 tea, toast and
the paper, by 8:01
births, deaths and marriages.
(audience laughs)
- How do you know her
morning routine so well?
(audience laughs)
ah.
- You think you know
me so well huh Sam?
Don't you think that
I'd want some small say
in my own wedding plans?
- You have it, this
is a team effort,
I pick the day
you pick the place.
You gotta think
positively about this.
I love you, let's get married.
- Alright.
- We have been engaged
for over five months,
I mean let's just
get on with it.
You know, I don't want
you running around loose.
- Alright.
- I know you're gonna say,
that you need time to prepare
for the wedding, well
I've had a wedding,
I want a marriage.
What did she say?
- She said, alright.
She said it twice.
- Just like that?
(audience laughs)
It's my body isn't it?
(audience laughs)
- Big fella.
(clears throat)
- Is it okay if I go
to school now?
(audience laughs)
I knew it would be.
(audience laughs)
- Hello.
- Oh hi.
- You'll never guess
what happened.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- We just got our first
lesson in sharing a house.
Max and Julie forgot
to pay our water bill.
- So they turned our
water off, can you beat that?
- I think so.
Beat it Annie.
- We're getting
married this Saturday.
- Married?
- Saturday.
- This, you're getting
married this Saturday?
Oh mom!
That's wonderful.
- That's great.
This is gonna sound a
little odd dad but welcome
to the family.
(audience laughs)
- Well Sam, I just
wanna say, oh (laughs)
that's wonderful.
I am gonna go celebrate
by taking a shower.
(laughs)
- And I'm gonna celebrate
by watching her take a shower.
(audience laughs)
Dad ah listen, before
Saturday you and I ought to have
a little talk.
(audience laughs)
- Couldn't hurt, he might
know something new.
- (laughs)
- So where do you
wanna get married?
- Sam how about right
here with just the family?
- I like it.
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
- This is how I find out, huh?
(audience laughs)
that's all I mean
to this family?
You're getting married
and I gotta find it out
in the newspapers?
- The news came as a
shock to me too Schneider.
- Huh?
Oh you're not, oh?
- Oh no, I'm not pregnant.
(audience laughs)
- Oh.
- Schneider if you can't
make the wedding Saturday
we'll understand.
- I can make the wedding.
I am invited.
- Of course.
- Sure.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- Lots of luck.
(laughs)
- Schneider uh,
as a matter of fact I would
like you to give me away?
- What?
- Yes.
(laughs)
- I would love to give you
away, that would be an honor
I'd love to, I won't give you
up, but I'll give you away.
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
- I'll get the doorbell.
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
yeah, hey.
Hey how are you Cathy?
- Hi, hi Dwayne.
- Guess what, - What?
- I'm gonna give away the bride.
- What bride?
Who's getting married?
- Hi Grandma.
What time do you
think the wedding'll be?
- What wedding?
- About noon.
- Noon, oh good.
- Who's getting married?
- Ah forgot my
books, isn't it great
they're getting married?
- Tell who's getting married
or I'm gonna punch
your lights out.
(audience laughs)
- Your daughter.
- You're getting married?
- I just found out myself
this morning mom.
Come on we'll talk
while I get dressed.
- I can't believe
it, when where?
This is the answer to
my prayers, (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Who are you marrying?
(audience laughs)
- I don't think I've made
a big impression on her.
(audience laughs)
- No.
No.
Dad why, why
Saturday, why so soon?
- I wanna get married.
I'm ready for it.
- I'm delighted I
truly am, it's just that,
after the divorce you said
you'd never get married again.
- I know I said that but,
I'm ready, I want
to get married.
- Yes, you said that.
- I know.
I love Ann, I want to spend
the rest of my life with her.
- That's great.
- You bet it is.
- But why the rush?
- Well I'm ready, I
want to get married.
(audience laughs)
- Dad, you're
repeating yourself,
you never used to do that.
(dials phone)
- Hi Barbara, darling
can you come over?
Yeah I gotta talk to somebody.
No Sam's not here.
Yes, I realize it's late but,
honey am I
interrupting something?
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry.
Thank you, oh thank,
alright, I'll see you soon,
yeah buh-bye.
(audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)
Who is it?
- [Sam] Me.
- What do you want?
- [Sam] You.
(audience laughs)
- No um, I don't
want you to see me
the night before the wedding.
- Fine turn out the lights
I enjoy a good grope.
(audience laughs)
It's my last chance for a
fling with a single woman.
- Damn right it is.
(audience laughs)
- You're gonna be
possessive too huh?
- You bet.
- Okay.
- Honey, Alex is here.
- Okay, let's go to my place.
- No I don't want
to go to your place.
I'm in the mood to talk.
- Well, I'm glad you're in
the mood for something.
(audience laughs)
- I've been thinking,
a lot, I've been thinking,
and thinking, and thinking and,
you know we've been
engaged for five months
but I don't really believe
we know each other.
- (laughs) What are
you talking about?
We know everything.
You have a mole here.
Your birthmark is here.
Mine on the other hand.
- Sam.
I'll get us a coffee.
- Great, great, keep me up
all night with nothing to do.
(audience laughs)
- You know I am looking forward
to sharing everything with you.
- Not my razorblades.
(audience laughs)
- These last eight
years, I've been alone
and they've been good years.
The girls are terrific,
business has been going well,
but a funny thing has happened,
the better my life gets
the more I want to share it.
- I know, I hate
being happy alone.
- I remember one night,
the girls were at their
dads and I got a raise
and I came home to celebrate,
poured two glasses of wine,
I gave one to the lamp
and we toasted my raise.
- Must have been an
enlightening experience.
(audience laughs)
- Sam does everything
have to be funny.
- No of course not.
Does make things more fun.
- We are gonna have
problems you know.
- Okay, so we'll have
problems, I don't think
that worrying about
them solves anything.
- Okay, alright, we won't
worry but we can plan
I mean there's nothing
wrong with planning.
It's the second time
around for both of us
and I really don't look forward
to making the same mistakes.
- Right.
I tell you what I'll do.
I'll plan to worry, okay?
- About what?
- (sighs) Name it.
- (exhales) Everything.
Are we doing the right thing?
- Yes.
- Are you sure it's
gonna work out?
- No.
- Okay, here's one,
I've got a career.
Is that gonna be
threatening to you?
- Maybe.
- Could you please
um, respond to me?
- Sure.
- No, uh, sure, maybe,
yes, no, that's not response,
could you talk to me please?
- It's difficult.
- [Ann] Why?
- Well, you're
getting emotional.
- What's wrong with emotion?
- It gets in the way of reason.
- Doesn't get in my way.
- It wouldn't dare.
(audience laughs)
(door opens and shuts)
- Hi Sam.
- Hi.
- Mom.
- You know if you're
planning to worry,
don't worry about planning it.
(audience laughs)
See you tomorrow.
(door shuts)
- Is everything all right?
- Sure, yeah, no, maybe.
- Oh mom come
on, relax, sit down.
I'll make us some
hot chocolate okay?
We can talk about
it, now mother dear
let me tell you about marriage.
(audience laughs)
You know something, it's
very tough but it's also worth it.
Now you know you and Sam
are gonna have problems.
I mean god knows
Mark and I have,
but we've always managed
to work them through
and I think that facing
up to our problems,
and being open and being
honest with each other
it's made our marriage
even stronger today
than it's ever been.
- Barbara,
you've been married
for six months.
(audience laughs)
- Seems like a
lot longer (laughs).
(audience applause)
(hammers)
♪ Here comes the
bride all dressed in white
(audience laughs)
- Hi, shh, shh, mom's
trying to get some rest
she didn't get any
sleep last night.
- She can't sleep.
She's getting
married in 40 minutes.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, you look lovely.
Yeah with the
fuzzy little slippers
and the terry cloth
wedding gown.
(audience laughs)
- And underneath a
lot of goosebumps.
- I'm fine fine really,
I'm just, I'm absolutely
fine, Schneider this
is supposed to be
a simple little family wedding.
- Well I thought you'd like it.
- Oh I like it sure, put
wheels on it, we'll enter it
in the Rose Parade.
(audience laughs)
- Oh Annie.
- Sorry I'm uptight.
- Ah de nada Miss
Romano, just a little nervous,
just a little jittery you know.
(laughs)
- Annie honey,
what's the matter?
- Nothing is the
matter mom, nothing,
I don't know what's
the matter, all I know is
I don't really think you're
supposed to be feeling
the way I'm feeling on
your wedding morning.
- Well how do you feel mom?
- I feel blech.
Like I just swallowed
a wet sock.
(audience laughs)
- Oh well honey that's the
way your supposed to feel
(audience laughs)
- Mom why don't you think
about getting dressed okay?
- Oh.
- Hey guys listen to this,
it's that radio psychologist.
- What?
- Oh yeah, doctor Margot Wood.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Margot] You
still haven't told me
very much about
the relationship Herb.
- Now listen to the guys voice.
- [Sam] Well we're getting
married, that's the relationship.
- [Margot] I understand that.
- That's Sam.
- It is mom.
- [Margot] But just
why are you calling?
- All Midwesterners sound alike.
- [Sam] Like I said I'm
driving along Keystone Avenue
on my way to my own wedding and,
- A coincidence.
- [Margot] Tell me have you
been married before Herb?
- [Sam] Once.
- His name is Herb.
- [Sam] Anyway, both
of us have always known
that we're two totally
different people,
I'm one thing, Ann is another.
- Oh my god.
(audience laughs)
- [Sam] It's just that last
night it really hit home.
I went over there - Hi.
- [Sam] Just so we
could be together.
(shushes)
Maybe I need a little
affection, a little warmth,
a little tenderness, you know?
- [Margot] There's
nothing wrong with that.
- [Sam] Yeah but what did I get?
A cross examination
under the guise of sharing.
- Hey that sounds
like, oh no, can't be.
- [Margot] Do I
detect anger Herb?
- Herb?
(audience laughs)
- [Sam] No, make it fear.
(laughs)
I don't know it's like
something's missing.
See I've been having
this dream lately too,
there I am, I'm
buying a used car.
- Used car.
- [Sam] It's a cute
little red sports model.
(scoffs) (audience laughs)
Perfect.
Until I sign the papers
and then all of a sudden
it turns into a 78
Plymouth Station Wagon.
(audience laughs)
You know, solid, functioning,
seating for six and a dog.
- [Margot] Well what
you're experiencing
could be very natural emotion.
Herb do you think that
you're saying you want
to call it off?
- [Sam] No I don't
want to call it off,
I just don't want to
discuss everything to death.
To hell with it, I love her,
I'm going to marry her.
- Don't be so sure Herbie.
(audience laughs)
- Here you go Reverend.
- Thank you Alex.
(sighs)
- What do you think she'll
do when he shows us?
- Well know she didn't
exactly say it was off.
- She didn't exactly
say it was on.
- Do you think I'm gonna
be needed for anything?
(audience laughs)
- Maybe the last rites.
(audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)
- Oop, there's Herbie.
- I'll
get it.
(audience laughs)
- Guess who I
picked up downstairs?
(audience laughs)
- Oh Annie this man of
yours is just so strong.
- And he has a death wish.
(audience laughs)
- She twisted her ankle
when she broke her shoe.
- Yes and this wonderful
He-man came to my rescue.
Oh Annie if you don't
want him I'll take him.
- Stick around.
(audience laughs)
I'd like to speak with you.
- Ann she was limping.
- Yes.
- Put her down.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Oh no I'm fine.
(audience laughs)
- Well, what's
bothering you Annie?
- What's bothering me.
Don't you really mean
do I detect anger?
- What?
- Herb.
- Oh, (laughs)
- Oh.
My whole life, our
entire relationship
crammed in between
two commercials.
(audience laughs)
- Well it was just an impulse.
- Ah ha, and I
suppose when we have
our first little argument
your gonna book yourself
on the Merv Griffin show?
(audience laughs)
- I've always wanted
to meet Charro.
(audience laughs)
Think about the
syndication rights.
(audience laughs)
- A little joke, is
that all our life is
just one great big joke?
- Okay Ann.
(audience laughs)
You wanna talk about this?
- Hi.
- Do you mind?
(audience laughs)
Sam.
(audience laughs)
- Ann I, I just pulled over
to the side of the road
I had to talk to somebody.
- I'm somebody Sam, you
could talk to that lady on the radio
and you won't talk to me?
- I'm sorry, I apologize.
I just wanted to get a
handle on our problems.
I mean she's a trained listener.
She doesn't get irrational.
(exhales)
- Here they come.
There they go.
(audience laughs)
- You know if people
analyzed everything,
if they agonized over every
choice they'd never do anything.
- Okay, let me get
this straight, I just,
I want to be clear
about this okay?
You want a woman
who doesn't think,
who doesn't talk and
who doesn't agonize?
Wow, I've got the
perfect woman for you,
she's right smack in the
center of New York harbor
and she's carrying
a big torch for you.
(audience laughs)
- They're coming again.
- Push the button, they're
going to have to stop.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Well nobody was bleeding.
(audience laughs)
- Hold it, I think I detect
the pitter patter of cold feet.
- What?
- Look Ann, all last night
you're trying to pick a fight,
now you want to
blow this radio thing up
into an international incident.
- I am not the one
who went on the air
and talked about
marrying a 1978 Plymouth.
(audience laughs)
- I take that back.
(audience laughs)
I take it back 78 Plymouth
was easy to handle
it was quiet on the
highway, it didn't shift gears
every five seconds.
- So what's next, you
gonna walk around me
and kick my ankles?
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Could somebody
push four please?
(audience laughs)
Happy couple.
Nice outfit shortie.
- Sam if you have enough
doubts to call a psychologist
why are we doing this?
- Maybe it's like when I
was a kid at summer camp,
we had this 20 foot
tower on the lake
so once you got the
courage to climb all the way
to the top of the tower
you could only give yourself
about three seconds
to jump otherwise
they could never pry
your fingers off the rail.
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean?
- I always had athletes foot.
(audience laughs)
My floor.
- Yeah.
- What's going on?
- What did they talk about?
- Summer camp.
(audience laughs)
- Sam, if you are so
frightened that you want to call
this whole thing off, please,
oh please say so.
- I don't want to
call anything off.
I love you.
Okay so I don't like to
talk about my problems
as an architect I deal with
exactitudes, specific problems
logical solutions, with
friends with people I care about
I like to joke, just
horse around, I'm,
- Afraid to be honest, afraid
to express your feelings.
- You know why you
never stop talking?
Because you're afraid that
somebody'll ask you something
you don't want to answer.
- Like what?
- Divorce.
- What?
- Divorce.
Isn't that what we're both
afraid of here divorce?
It's the worst thing that
ever happened to me,
it was the most terrible
experience of my life.
- Well it was no day at
the beach for me either.
- I know that.
I understand nobody should
have to go through that again.
- Well I sure as
hell don't want to.
- Fine.
- Alright so, so what
do you suggest?
- Well there's only
one sure thing.
I mean we could be
very logical, play it safe
and call the whole thing off.
- Right, we could
both be independent.
- Footloose.
Carefree.
- And apart.
- I don't like that part.
- Me either.
- See,
when I'm not with
you I hurt, I ache.
- Sam.
(kisses)
- I Samuel Clemens Royer,
take you Ann Marie Romano
to be my wife.
- Thank god.
(audience laughs)
- I will be true to you in
good times and in bad,
- In sickness and in health.
- In sickness and in health.
And I will love and honor
you all the days of my life.
- Okay.
Me right?
I Ann Marie Romano, take
you Samuel Clemens Royer
to be my husband.
I promise to be true to you
in good times and in bad,
in sickness and in
health, I will love you
and honor you all
the days of my life.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I now present to you,
Mr and Mrs Sam Royer.
(cheers and applause)
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Excuse me.
(whispers)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I know present to you,
as husband and wife, Sam Royer
and Ann Romano.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
You may now kiss
the, uh, one another.
(cheers and applause)
(One Day At A Time theme music)
(electronic music)
(upbeat music)
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So why you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight we'll muddle
through one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, na na na na
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, na na na na
♪ One day at a time
- Bizarre?
- Hmm?
- Why do you read the
obituaries every morning?
- Starts my morning off
with a lift when I find out
I'm not in them.
(audience laughs)
- Ah.
- Hmm.
- What?
- I can't, no.
- What's the matter?
- It's Sam.
- Sam died?
- No, but I may kill
him listen to this.
(audience laughs)
Mr Samuel Royer of
Indianapolis announces
his forthcoming marriage to
Ann Romano of Indianapolis
this coming Saturday
somewhere in Indianapolis.
(audience laughs)
- That means you're
getting married in three day.
Bizarre why didn't
you say something?
- What do you mean?
(audience laughs)
What do you mean why
didn't I say something,
because I didn't know,
because I didn't know,
because I didn't know.
- Are you saying
you didn't know?
(audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)
- Morning sweetheart.
I bet you read
the morning paper.
(audience laughs)
better get a move on we got
a big day, blood tests, license,
say something.
- Three days to get married?
- Too long (audience laughs)
- What if I hadn't read
the papers this morning?
- Oh come on Ann, 7:30
wake up, eight minute shower,
7:55 tea, toast and
the paper, by 8:01
births, deaths and marriages.
(audience laughs)
- How do you know her
morning routine so well?
(audience laughs)
ah.
- You think you know
me so well huh Sam?
Don't you think that
I'd want some small say
in my own wedding plans?
- You have it, this
is a team effort,
I pick the day
you pick the place.
You gotta think
positively about this.
I love you, let's get married.
- Alright.
- We have been engaged
for over five months,
I mean let's just
get on with it.
You know, I don't want
you running around loose.
- Alright.
- I know you're gonna say,
that you need time to prepare
for the wedding, well
I've had a wedding,
I want a marriage.
What did she say?
- She said, alright.
She said it twice.
- Just like that?
(audience laughs)
It's my body isn't it?
(audience laughs)
- Big fella.
(clears throat)
- Is it okay if I go
to school now?
(audience laughs)
I knew it would be.
(audience laughs)
- Hello.
- Oh hi.
- You'll never guess
what happened.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- We just got our first
lesson in sharing a house.
Max and Julie forgot
to pay our water bill.
- So they turned our
water off, can you beat that?
- I think so.
Beat it Annie.
- We're getting
married this Saturday.
- Married?
- Saturday.
- This, you're getting
married this Saturday?
Oh mom!
That's wonderful.
- That's great.
This is gonna sound a
little odd dad but welcome
to the family.
(audience laughs)
- Well Sam, I just
wanna say, oh (laughs)
that's wonderful.
I am gonna go celebrate
by taking a shower.
(laughs)
- And I'm gonna celebrate
by watching her take a shower.
(audience laughs)
Dad ah listen, before
Saturday you and I ought to have
a little talk.
(audience laughs)
- Couldn't hurt, he might
know something new.
- (laughs)
- So where do you
wanna get married?
- Sam how about right
here with just the family?
- I like it.
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
- This is how I find out, huh?
(audience laughs)
that's all I mean
to this family?
You're getting married
and I gotta find it out
in the newspapers?
- The news came as a
shock to me too Schneider.
- Huh?
Oh you're not, oh?
- Oh no, I'm not pregnant.
(audience laughs)
- Oh.
- Schneider if you can't
make the wedding Saturday
we'll understand.
- I can make the wedding.
I am invited.
- Of course.
- Sure.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- Lots of luck.
(laughs)
- Schneider uh,
as a matter of fact I would
like you to give me away?
- What?
- Yes.
(laughs)
- I would love to give you
away, that would be an honor
I'd love to, I won't give you
up, but I'll give you away.
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
- I'll get the doorbell.
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
yeah, hey.
Hey how are you Cathy?
- Hi, hi Dwayne.
- Guess what, - What?
- I'm gonna give away the bride.
- What bride?
Who's getting married?
- Hi Grandma.
What time do you
think the wedding'll be?
- What wedding?
- About noon.
- Noon, oh good.
- Who's getting married?
- Ah forgot my
books, isn't it great
they're getting married?
- Tell who's getting married
or I'm gonna punch
your lights out.
(audience laughs)
- Your daughter.
- You're getting married?
- I just found out myself
this morning mom.
Come on we'll talk
while I get dressed.
- I can't believe
it, when where?
This is the answer to
my prayers, (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Who are you marrying?
(audience laughs)
- I don't think I've made
a big impression on her.
(audience laughs)
- No.
No.
Dad why, why
Saturday, why so soon?
- I wanna get married.
I'm ready for it.
- I'm delighted I
truly am, it's just that,
after the divorce you said
you'd never get married again.
- I know I said that but,
I'm ready, I want
to get married.
- Yes, you said that.
- I know.
I love Ann, I want to spend
the rest of my life with her.
- That's great.
- You bet it is.
- But why the rush?
- Well I'm ready, I
want to get married.
(audience laughs)
- Dad, you're
repeating yourself,
you never used to do that.
(dials phone)
- Hi Barbara, darling
can you come over?
Yeah I gotta talk to somebody.
No Sam's not here.
Yes, I realize it's late but,
honey am I
interrupting something?
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry.
Thank you, oh thank,
alright, I'll see you soon,
yeah buh-bye.
(audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)
Who is it?
- [Sam] Me.
- What do you want?
- [Sam] You.
(audience laughs)
- No um, I don't
want you to see me
the night before the wedding.
- Fine turn out the lights
I enjoy a good grope.
(audience laughs)
It's my last chance for a
fling with a single woman.
- Damn right it is.
(audience laughs)
- You're gonna be
possessive too huh?
- You bet.
- Okay.
- Honey, Alex is here.
- Okay, let's go to my place.
- No I don't want
to go to your place.
I'm in the mood to talk.
- Well, I'm glad you're in
the mood for something.
(audience laughs)
- I've been thinking,
a lot, I've been thinking,
and thinking, and thinking and,
you know we've been
engaged for five months
but I don't really believe
we know each other.
- (laughs) What are
you talking about?
We know everything.
You have a mole here.
Your birthmark is here.
Mine on the other hand.
- Sam.
I'll get us a coffee.
- Great, great, keep me up
all night with nothing to do.
(audience laughs)
- You know I am looking forward
to sharing everything with you.
- Not my razorblades.
(audience laughs)
- These last eight
years, I've been alone
and they've been good years.
The girls are terrific,
business has been going well,
but a funny thing has happened,
the better my life gets
the more I want to share it.
- I know, I hate
being happy alone.
- I remember one night,
the girls were at their
dads and I got a raise
and I came home to celebrate,
poured two glasses of wine,
I gave one to the lamp
and we toasted my raise.
- Must have been an
enlightening experience.
(audience laughs)
- Sam does everything
have to be funny.
- No of course not.
Does make things more fun.
- We are gonna have
problems you know.
- Okay, so we'll have
problems, I don't think
that worrying about
them solves anything.
- Okay, alright, we won't
worry but we can plan
I mean there's nothing
wrong with planning.
It's the second time
around for both of us
and I really don't look forward
to making the same mistakes.
- Right.
I tell you what I'll do.
I'll plan to worry, okay?
- About what?
- (sighs) Name it.
- (exhales) Everything.
Are we doing the right thing?
- Yes.
- Are you sure it's
gonna work out?
- No.
- Okay, here's one,
I've got a career.
Is that gonna be
threatening to you?
- Maybe.
- Could you please
um, respond to me?
- Sure.
- No, uh, sure, maybe,
yes, no, that's not response,
could you talk to me please?
- It's difficult.
- [Ann] Why?
- Well, you're
getting emotional.
- What's wrong with emotion?
- It gets in the way of reason.
- Doesn't get in my way.
- It wouldn't dare.
(audience laughs)
(door opens and shuts)
- Hi Sam.
- Hi.
- Mom.
- You know if you're
planning to worry,
don't worry about planning it.
(audience laughs)
See you tomorrow.
(door shuts)
- Is everything all right?
- Sure, yeah, no, maybe.
- Oh mom come
on, relax, sit down.
I'll make us some
hot chocolate okay?
We can talk about
it, now mother dear
let me tell you about marriage.
(audience laughs)
You know something, it's
very tough but it's also worth it.
Now you know you and Sam
are gonna have problems.
I mean god knows
Mark and I have,
but we've always managed
to work them through
and I think that facing
up to our problems,
and being open and being
honest with each other
it's made our marriage
even stronger today
than it's ever been.
- Barbara,
you've been married
for six months.
(audience laughs)
- Seems like a
lot longer (laughs).
(audience applause)
(hammers)
♪ Here comes the
bride all dressed in white
(audience laughs)
- Hi, shh, shh, mom's
trying to get some rest
she didn't get any
sleep last night.
- She can't sleep.
She's getting
married in 40 minutes.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, you look lovely.
Yeah with the
fuzzy little slippers
and the terry cloth
wedding gown.
(audience laughs)
- And underneath a
lot of goosebumps.
- I'm fine fine really,
I'm just, I'm absolutely
fine, Schneider this
is supposed to be
a simple little family wedding.
- Well I thought you'd like it.
- Oh I like it sure, put
wheels on it, we'll enter it
in the Rose Parade.
(audience laughs)
- Oh Annie.
- Sorry I'm uptight.
- Ah de nada Miss
Romano, just a little nervous,
just a little jittery you know.
(laughs)
- Annie honey,
what's the matter?
- Nothing is the
matter mom, nothing,
I don't know what's
the matter, all I know is
I don't really think you're
supposed to be feeling
the way I'm feeling on
your wedding morning.
- Well how do you feel mom?
- I feel blech.
Like I just swallowed
a wet sock.
(audience laughs)
- Oh well honey that's the
way your supposed to feel
(audience laughs)
- Mom why don't you think
about getting dressed okay?
- Oh.
- Hey guys listen to this,
it's that radio psychologist.
- What?
- Oh yeah, doctor Margot Wood.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Margot] You
still haven't told me
very much about
the relationship Herb.
- Now listen to the guys voice.
- [Sam] Well we're getting
married, that's the relationship.
- [Margot] I understand that.
- That's Sam.
- It is mom.
- [Margot] But just
why are you calling?
- All Midwesterners sound alike.
- [Sam] Like I said I'm
driving along Keystone Avenue
on my way to my own wedding and,
- A coincidence.
- [Margot] Tell me have you
been married before Herb?
- [Sam] Once.
- His name is Herb.
- [Sam] Anyway, both
of us have always known
that we're two totally
different people,
I'm one thing, Ann is another.
- Oh my god.
(audience laughs)
- [Sam] It's just that last
night it really hit home.
I went over there - Hi.
- [Sam] Just so we
could be together.
(shushes)
Maybe I need a little
affection, a little warmth,
a little tenderness, you know?
- [Margot] There's
nothing wrong with that.
- [Sam] Yeah but what did I get?
A cross examination
under the guise of sharing.
- Hey that sounds
like, oh no, can't be.
- [Margot] Do I
detect anger Herb?
- Herb?
(audience laughs)
- [Sam] No, make it fear.
(laughs)
I don't know it's like
something's missing.
See I've been having
this dream lately too,
there I am, I'm
buying a used car.
- Used car.
- [Sam] It's a cute
little red sports model.
(scoffs) (audience laughs)
Perfect.
Until I sign the papers
and then all of a sudden
it turns into a 78
Plymouth Station Wagon.
(audience laughs)
You know, solid, functioning,
seating for six and a dog.
- [Margot] Well what
you're experiencing
could be very natural emotion.
Herb do you think that
you're saying you want
to call it off?
- [Sam] No I don't
want to call it off,
I just don't want to
discuss everything to death.
To hell with it, I love her,
I'm going to marry her.
- Don't be so sure Herbie.
(audience laughs)
- Here you go Reverend.
- Thank you Alex.
(sighs)
- What do you think she'll
do when he shows us?
- Well know she didn't
exactly say it was off.
- She didn't exactly
say it was on.
- Do you think I'm gonna
be needed for anything?
(audience laughs)
- Maybe the last rites.
(audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)
- Oop, there's Herbie.
- I'll
get it.
(audience laughs)
- Guess who I
picked up downstairs?
(audience laughs)
- Oh Annie this man of
yours is just so strong.
- And he has a death wish.
(audience laughs)
- She twisted her ankle
when she broke her shoe.
- Yes and this wonderful
He-man came to my rescue.
Oh Annie if you don't
want him I'll take him.
- Stick around.
(audience laughs)
I'd like to speak with you.
- Ann she was limping.
- Yes.
- Put her down.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Oh no I'm fine.
(audience laughs)
- Well, what's
bothering you Annie?
- What's bothering me.
Don't you really mean
do I detect anger?
- What?
- Herb.
- Oh, (laughs)
- Oh.
My whole life, our
entire relationship
crammed in between
two commercials.
(audience laughs)
- Well it was just an impulse.
- Ah ha, and I
suppose when we have
our first little argument
your gonna book yourself
on the Merv Griffin show?
(audience laughs)
- I've always wanted
to meet Charro.
(audience laughs)
Think about the
syndication rights.
(audience laughs)
- A little joke, is
that all our life is
just one great big joke?
- Okay Ann.
(audience laughs)
You wanna talk about this?
- Hi.
- Do you mind?
(audience laughs)
Sam.
(audience laughs)
- Ann I, I just pulled over
to the side of the road
I had to talk to somebody.
- I'm somebody Sam, you
could talk to that lady on the radio
and you won't talk to me?
- I'm sorry, I apologize.
I just wanted to get a
handle on our problems.
I mean she's a trained listener.
She doesn't get irrational.
(exhales)
- Here they come.
There they go.
(audience laughs)
- You know if people
analyzed everything,
if they agonized over every
choice they'd never do anything.
- Okay, let me get
this straight, I just,
I want to be clear
about this okay?
You want a woman
who doesn't think,
who doesn't talk and
who doesn't agonize?
Wow, I've got the
perfect woman for you,
she's right smack in the
center of New York harbor
and she's carrying
a big torch for you.
(audience laughs)
- They're coming again.
- Push the button, they're
going to have to stop.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Well nobody was bleeding.
(audience laughs)
- Hold it, I think I detect
the pitter patter of cold feet.
- What?
- Look Ann, all last night
you're trying to pick a fight,
now you want to
blow this radio thing up
into an international incident.
- I am not the one
who went on the air
and talked about
marrying a 1978 Plymouth.
(audience laughs)
- I take that back.
(audience laughs)
I take it back 78 Plymouth
was easy to handle
it was quiet on the
highway, it didn't shift gears
every five seconds.
- So what's next, you
gonna walk around me
and kick my ankles?
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Could somebody
push four please?
(audience laughs)
Happy couple.
Nice outfit shortie.
- Sam if you have enough
doubts to call a psychologist
why are we doing this?
- Maybe it's like when I
was a kid at summer camp,
we had this 20 foot
tower on the lake
so once you got the
courage to climb all the way
to the top of the tower
you could only give yourself
about three seconds
to jump otherwise
they could never pry
your fingers off the rail.
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean?
- I always had athletes foot.
(audience laughs)
My floor.
- Yeah.
- What's going on?
- What did they talk about?
- Summer camp.
(audience laughs)
- Sam, if you are so
frightened that you want to call
this whole thing off, please,
oh please say so.
- I don't want to
call anything off.
I love you.
Okay so I don't like to
talk about my problems
as an architect I deal with
exactitudes, specific problems
logical solutions, with
friends with people I care about
I like to joke, just
horse around, I'm,
- Afraid to be honest, afraid
to express your feelings.
- You know why you
never stop talking?
Because you're afraid that
somebody'll ask you something
you don't want to answer.
- Like what?
- Divorce.
- What?
- Divorce.
Isn't that what we're both
afraid of here divorce?
It's the worst thing that
ever happened to me,
it was the most terrible
experience of my life.
- Well it was no day at
the beach for me either.
- I know that.
I understand nobody should
have to go through that again.
- Well I sure as
hell don't want to.
- Fine.
- Alright so, so what
do you suggest?
- Well there's only
one sure thing.
I mean we could be
very logical, play it safe
and call the whole thing off.
- Right, we could
both be independent.
- Footloose.
Carefree.
- And apart.
- I don't like that part.
- Me either.
- See,
when I'm not with
you I hurt, I ache.
- Sam.
(kisses)
- I Samuel Clemens Royer,
take you Ann Marie Romano
to be my wife.
- Thank god.
(audience laughs)
- I will be true to you in
good times and in bad,
- In sickness and in health.
- In sickness and in health.
And I will love and honor
you all the days of my life.
- Okay.
Me right?
I Ann Marie Romano, take
you Samuel Clemens Royer
to be my husband.
I promise to be true to you
in good times and in bad,
in sickness and in
health, I will love you
and honor you all
the days of my life.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I now present to you,
Mr and Mrs Sam Royer.
(cheers and applause)
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Excuse me.
(whispers)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I know present to you,
as husband and wife, Sam Royer
and Ann Romano.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
You may now kiss
the, uh, one another.
(cheers and applause)
(One Day At A Time theme music)
(electronic music)
(upbeat music)