One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 5 - Last Time I Saw Paris - full transcript

Francine talks Ann into a weekend business trip to Paris to learn about the people and the business climate when they start having dealings with French clients.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This life the one you
get so go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time


- Alex, don't ever, ever
be a responsible person.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Be irresponsible, then
you will get the weekend off.

- I'll write that down.

- Boy, I'd like to
murder that Francine.

- Francine?

How could you say that,
she's such a sweet person.

She's a doll.

(audience laughter)

I guess we look
at her differently.

- I guess we do.

- What's all this?

A map of Paris, history of
French cooking, French folk ways.

- Alright, we're
trying for an account

that markets French imports.

We have a meeting with
them on Tuesday morning,

and I, for one, thought it
might be a real swell idea

to bone up on things
French, you know,

to have a certain
continental ambience.

- Like Poupon mustard
on your hot dog?

- Yeah, something like that.

- Did Francine like the idea?

- Oh yeah, she
thought it was terrific.

Unfortunately, her
idea of division of labor

is that I do all the work
and she does all the play.

- She's a fun person.

- You see, the problem
is that I buy all that.

My dear mother's formula
for life is be responsible

along with always
write thank you notes,

and always wear
pants on a Ferris wheel.

Would you get me some
ice cream, Alex, please?

- Sure.

- You see, my formula for
life is always eat something

fattening when you're angry.

- Annie, Annie, I want to
apologize for not helping

with the research.

Oh, you must think
I am a lazy bum.

Yes, well.

I'm here because I want
you to know you were right.

- Fine.

- The least I can do is
give up my weekend too,

and just lose myself
studying everything French.

- That's nice, Francine.

- So, I am flying off to Paris.

- Paris?
- Yes.

Isn't it a good idea?

- France?

- But of course.

- I'm sitting here
reading books,

and you're flying off
to Paris, that's insane.

- Oh, Annie, is there
no pleasing you?

- Francine, this
is Thursday night.

We have a meeting on
Tuesday morning, here.

- You know what, I do
wish you'd learn to control

that temper, it's not
good for your face.

- Hi Francine, want
some ice cream?

- Oh bonsoir, monsieur, you
are looking muy hermoso tonight.

- That's Spanish.

- Who cares.

- Francine, let's
be practical, okay.

Flying off for a weekend in
Paris is not only expensive,

it's also frivolous
and self-indulgent.

- I know, that's me.

I have always
wanted to see Paris.

- Yes well, so have I.

- Let me go with her.

- Alex.
- Alex.

Oh now, wait a minute,
Ann, he has a thought.

Why don't you go with me?

You need some fun in your life.

I mean, we've worked hard.

We finally can afford it.

You do owe yourself something.

One of these days, you're
going to be old and grayer.

(audience laughter)

- Thanks.

But you see, the whole idea
is immature and irresponsible.

- Champs-Élysées,
Mont Marc, Maxine's.

- French jeans.

- There is no excuse for
spending that much money

for three days.

- Oh, the opera, the
Louvre, Jean-Paul Belmondo.

- French fries.

- You're not going and
I'm not going, forget it.

- Paris, Annie, Paris.

- Look, I have already
made up my mind.

I'm going.

- That is so great, I don't
have too much to pack.

We're only gonna
be there two days,

so I'll just pack
a little, it'll be.

You talked me out of it.

- I have always wanted to
buy a Paris gown in Paris.

And one of those long
loaves of bread in Paris.

- You know, Annie, this trip
might help our relationship,

now wouldn't that be nice?

- Yes, it would.

- I mean, we could come
back not just partners

but dear, close friends.

- We're going to Paris,
Francine, not Lourdes.

(audience laughter)

I still cannot believe
I am going to Paris.

You know, your father
and I almost went there

on our honeymoon.

And it was even some talk
of going there for the divorce.

♪ Over there, over there

♪ And in France,
she is going over there

♪ They're going over

♪ And I won't fix the sink

♪ Until they're
back from over there

(audience applauding)

- Present arms.

Order halt.

Parade rest.

- Watch out for the bayonet.

- Where'd you get that?

- This, oh, this thing is
actually for long johns.

Well, I see you're
almost packed, huh?

- Yeah, I'm all ready to go.

- I tell you, Ms.
Romano, I got you a little

going-away bon voyage present.

- Oh, thank you.

"Sailor's Guide to Paris."

- Some places in
there just recently

been opened up for women.

Don't come to bay 12.

- I still can't
believe I'm going,

I keep pinching myself.

- Don't worry, they'll
do that for you in Paris.

- Here you go, Ms. R.,
I'll just pack it for you.

- Alex, hey would
you hold it, Alex?

I'm only gonna be
gone for two days.

There's enough toothpaste
there to brush the teeth

of all the gargoyles in Paris.

- I dated a couple of them once.

- Ms. R., is it okay if I go
to the ballgame this week?

- Oh, well, that's entirely
up to Barbara and Mark,

they are in charge.

Whatever they say goes.

- He knows the rules,
no drinking, no cussing,

and no women in his
room after midnight.

- Pardon me as I
run away from home.

- Oh, I have
wanted to go to Paris

since I was a little girl.

And in less than 11
hours, I'm gonna be there.

- Well, I guess
dreams can come true.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, but my dreams
never included Francine.

- I thought we would
never get through customs.

The next time you
try to save space,

do not put your bath
powder in a plastic bag

and hide it in your shoe.

- I thought the whole
idea was to travel lightly

so we wouldn't waste
time at the airport.

Obviously, one of us
did not get the message.

- Well, Ann.

Oh I can hardly walk
down the Champs-Élysées

looking like some
grubby provincial.

Oh, nothing personal, I'm
sure you have very nice things.

- Oh Francine, don't worry,
I'm not even listening to you.

I'm in Paris and I
am going to enjoy it.

- Madame, your key.

- Francine, could you
come over here for a minute?

How much should we tip?

- Oh, well I don't know
what is the current rate

of exchange?

- I'm not sure but I
don't want to overtip.

- But we don't
want to look cheap.

- You're right, okay.

Thank you.

- Merci, merci, anything I can
do for you, ask for Jacques.

Anything, anytime, anywhere.

My home phone number.

(audience applauding)

- I think we overdid it.

- Yes.

- Oh Francine,
look at this room.

It just breathes France, you
can just feel the ambience.

Francine, I wonder if the
bathroom has one of those.

It does.

- Is it okay if I take this bed?

- Oh sure, Francine,
it doesn't matter,

I'm not planning to use
the bed much anyway,

but don't tell anybody at home.

I want them to think the worst.

You okay?

- Just a little upset stomach.
- Oh, okay.

Oh Francine, look, we
have our own balcony.

- [Francine] What can you see?

- Another balcony
with a tourist on it.

I think I do see the
tip of the Eiffel Tower.

Oh Francine, come on, let's
unpack and get out of here.

Are you sure you're okay?

- Well I feel a little dizzy.

- Well, you should've
had breakfast on the plane.

I know, let's have
an early lunch.

I have a brochure
here with restaurants,

I'm dying to try so
many of these, okay.

Let's see, what
sounds good to you?

This one looks good, Robert's.

They feature salmon mousse
with shrimp and cognac sauce.

How does that sound?


Or how about this place?

Filet mignon served very
rare, smothered with thick

mushroom and truffle sauce
and braised octopus rings.

Oh Francine, come on,
as long as we're in France,

I think we should have escargot.

Big, fat, juicy snails
just drowning in garlic

and hot butter and
they can take the bread

and just grind it in there.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

What do you think?

(audience applauding)

- Alex just fell asleep.

- Oh good.

- I mean we're all alone.

Enjoying your book?

- It's okay.

You sure you wouldn't like to.

- Mark, no I couldn't
not in my mother's bed.

- Not in your mother's?


(audience laughter)

- We could always put
Alex in my mom's bed.

- I like the way you think.

- Yeah well, a gentleman
would've thought of that himself.

- A gentlemen, yes,
but not a dentist.

- I bet mom and
Francine are having

the time of their lives.

- Who?

- What is it, doctor?

- You have a (speaking French).

How do you say in Anglais,
a bird that used to fly.

It flied, it?

- It flew.
- Exactement.

Mademoiselle, has the flu.

One of my little jokes to
make the patient feel better.

- Oh, how charming, doctor.

Is it serious?

(speaking French)

- Now don't you worry
your pretty little head.

- Excuse me, doctor.

When will she be up
on her pretty little feet?

- The virus usually leaves
the body, in this case,

reluctantly I am sure.

In 24 hours about.

- 24 hours, there
goes Versailles.

- Mademoiselle, now you
must drink liquids, plenty, plenty.

And you must rest.

- Could she rest in a tour bus?

- Oh, Ann, just go
on out and have fun.

Really, I mean it.

- No, no, I couldn't do that.

- I tell you, mademoiselle,
you must take this

three times a day.

And you must call me if
my presence is required

for any reason.

Even illness.

- Another joke, doctor?

- Pardon, mais oui, the patient

must be cheerful, n'est-ce pas?

- Oh, I'll try.

- Bonsoir, mademoiselle.


- Oh Ann, I am sorry,
I have ruined our trip.

- No, no, no,
there's still tomorrow.

We'll see Paris, we'll
just see it a little faster

that's all.

- Just because I've
been struck down

does not mean that
you have to suffer too.

- Struck down?

- You just go on out and
have fun, and come back

and tell me everything.

I will see Paris
through your eyes.

- Well, okay, I mean if
you're sure you won't mind.

- No, I mean this
is your vacation too.

- The doctor did
say it wasn't serious.

- Even if I took a
turn for the worse,

I could always manage.

- I just want to pop over to
the Louvre for an hour or so.

- I have a phone right
here, even if I'm too weak

to pick it up, I could
just knock it over,

a light will flash somewhere.

- I just wanna
see the Mona Lisa.

- And you should, one of
us should in our lifetime.

- Okay Francine, let's
be honest here, okay.

You are not going to
die and we both know it.

Now, there are two choices.

If you want me
to, I'll stay, just ask.

On the other hand...
- Stay, Annie.

- I'd really like to tell
you the other choice.

If you'd like me to go
out and see a bit of Paris

while you rest and recuperate
in quiet, then let me go.

- Stay, Annie.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm a baby and I know it,

but I just can't stand
being alone when I'm sick.

- Okay, I'm here.

I think you'd
better take this pill.

Here you go, well?

- Would you taste it
and see if it's bitter?

- Francine, thank you.

- Ann, where are you?

- [Ann] I'll be
right out, Francine.

I can't believe I forgot
to pack my nightgown.

- Well, what's wrong
with the one I loaned you?

(audience laughter)

- Nothing, except I have
this uncontrollable urge

to lean against a lamppost.

- Would you feel my forehead,
I think I'm getting a fever.

Oh not so hard, you're
giving me a headache.

- Cool as a cucumber.

- Then I must
be getting a chill.

Get me a blanket, please.

- Francine, why don't
you take another pill?

It'll help us both relax.

- You are just trying
to get me to go to sleep

so that you can sneak
out and see Paris.

- Take this pill
or I will kill you.

(TV show speaking French)

- What are you watching?

- Leave it to Beaver.

- Is that all you could find?

- Francine, don't
you ever sleep?

- I don't know what
you're picking on me for.

I didn't plan this, it's not
my fault that I feel miserable,

and you have absolutely
no compassion.

Frankly if one of us had to
get sick, it should've been you.

I'm the one Paris will remember.

- Francine.

- Oh sure, sure,
just jump on me.

Why do people assume an
attractive person has no feelings?

- What?

- I have had my share
of heartaches too.

Do you realize that every
single beauty contest

I have ever entered I've won.

Just once, I would've liked to
have been Miss Congeniality.

- I hate her, I hate her.

- I mean it's really
lonesome at the top.

- Well it's lonesome
up here too, Francine.

Do you realize that you
haven't even let me get

as far as the lobby.

- You're right, and I'm sorry.

Oh, and I'm sorry
I called you boring.

- You didn't call me boring.

- Oh, then I must've
been thinking it.

- Well, I've thought a lot of
things about you too, Francine

several of them start with a
B, boring wasn't one of them.

- Well, something is
certainly boring here.

Oh, I can't keep my eyes open.

(ambulance siren blaring)

- Terrific, my chance to
see a French ambulance.

Thunderstorm coming up.

- Ann, close the
door, please, it's cold.

- Okay.

Ben oui, Paris.

I will see you tomorrow.

(audience laughter)


Francine, don't go to sleep now.

Francine, Francine, Francine?

(thundering) Oh no.

Don't do that, okay.

Francine, Francine,
would you wake?

Francine, oh please
Francine wake up, oh no.

Francine, I'm out
of tissues, Francine.

- Alright, alright,
don't be so impatient.


- What gives me the
feeling you never considered

going into nursing.

- Ann, we have exactly
24 hours left to see Paris,

and you have to get sick.


- Do you have to
sneeze like that?

- No, no I can hold my nose
and blow my bellybutton out.

- Don't be crude, Ann.

It was so ridiculous of you
to stay out on that balcony

for so long in the rain.

- The door was locked
and you were dead asleep,

probably pretending.

- Couldn't you have
waved down to somebody?

- I did.

He looked up at me, looked
at the hooker through me

in case he decided on her.

- Oh, these Frenchmen.

- Francine, would you
feel my head please?

- You're a little cooler.

- I don't feel good.

- Ann, you have got to
learn to think positive.

Either you control
your sickness,

or your sickness controls you.

Stop whining.

- You're very lucky, Francine.

You will never die of
anything that involves the heart.

- I am sorry, Ann, but I am
just no good around sick people.

- You're right, you just go on.

If I'm too weak to
pick up the phone,

I'll knock it over, a light
will flash somewhere.

- No, you need a little
catch in your voice

when you say that.

- No, I mean it, Francine,
go on and see Paris.

Take some pictures for me.

- Oh, no I have no intention
of leaving you alone, Ann.

Not after the way
you took care of me.

- Well, thank you.

The night maid will
be here any minute.

- The night maid?

Francine, you're
going out to see Paris

and leaving me
with the night maid?

- Oh, the day maid is working.

- Francine, Francine.
(door knocking)

- Oh, here she is, here she is.

Now, Annie, be
very, very nice to her.

Remember, we represent America.

Oh, hello there, Wilma.

This is the patient, and
I'm sure you'll be very good

with her, won't you?

(speaking French)

Oh, that's just fine.

She says that the two of you
are gonna get along just fine.

- She said she
doesn't speak English.

- No matter.

- Oh Francine, you're
not gonna leave me alone

with Madame
DeForge here, are you?

- Annie, I have no intention
of leaving you alone.

I'm leaving you with a
mature woman, who I'm sure

will take very good care of you.

Annie, is this hat too much?

- If you paid more than a
dollar and a half for it, yes.

Francine, I want you
to come over here

and look me in the eyes.

Come over here right now.

Francine, you cannot
do this, it's a matter

of principle, and human
ethics, and decency.

If I can't see Paris,
you can't see Paris.

- That is so selfish.

- I don't care
how selfish it is.

If you leave me
now, we are through.

I don't care how successful
we become working as partners.

I don't care that
in less than a year

we more than doubled our income.

(blowing nose)

Principle is more
important than money.

Find yourself another partner.

- Alright, I will.

(audience laughter)

- She doesn't mean
that, you know.

- Pardon?

- She knows that
I will come around.

She knows that it's very
difficult to give up money.

She knows that I am damn
proud of what we have done.

Success is a trap.

(speaking French)

That's why we're here
on this silly trip to Paris,

only she's seeing
it and I'm not.

There's really no justice.

Excuse me, what did you say?

(speaking French)

Oh, water, no, no thank you.

I don't want it.

Yes, oui, merci, I really would
like some water, thank you.

And, thank you for
calling me mademoiselle.



There you are, Francine.

(audience applauding)

Oh, that'll fix her
and that stupid hat.

- Okay, Annie, okay.

(audience laughter)

I lied about the beauty
contest, I lost once.

Miss Chinatown, they
picked an oriental girl.

I believe it had something
to do with equal opportunity.

- Right.

- If you want me to stay
and take care of you, I will.

- No, Francine, go
on, go and see Paris.

But I do suggest you
leave by the side door.

- Why?

- Because there's a very
angry hooker out front

with a wet hat that
looks exactly like yours.

You both have the
same wonderful taste.

Have fun.
- Thank you.

(speaking French)

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)