One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 4 - Catcher in the Mud - full transcript

♪ This is it (This is it)

♪ This is life ♪ The one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it (This is it)

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doin' what
you do ♪ Hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
(One day at a time)

♪ So up on your
feet (Up on your feet)

♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
(One day at a time)

♪ One day at a
time (Na na na na)

♪ One day at a time
(One day at a time)

♪ One day at a
time (Na na na na)

♪ One day at a time

- That's light.

That's light.

That's dark.


Oh, hi, Schneider.

What do you do with gray?

- Use Grecian Formula
number seven for eight weeks.

You forget about it.

- Thanks.

- Most laundry ladies
sort their laundry

in the laundry room.

- Yeah, I know,

but Mrs. Giambalbo's
using all the machine's again.

She yells if you go in there.

- Yeah, we'll see about that.

- Hey, Mrs. Giambalbo!

We got rules about
using all the machines!

(woman yelling in Italian)

- She's gonna be right out.

So what happened here?

Ms. Romano and Barbara,
they break their arm?

- No, they gotta
get to work later,

so they asked me to help out.

- Tell me, how's
everything going down there

with the football team, huh?

- It isn't.

- What do you mean?

- Well, you know,
Schneider, it could be,

could be kinda dangerous.

- Yeah, but the
coaches down at Taft

are all terrific coaches and...

Wait a second.

You quit?

- No, but Ms. Romano wouldn't
sign the letter of consent.

- What?

- See, we went
to the first practice

and she saw all the other guys.

I was the only kid
there with a neck.

- She wouldn't sign a letter?

- No, she said
she'll let me play

as soon as I put
on enough weight to

compete with the other guys.

- Well, you don't have
to play middle linebacker!

I mean, they got
touch positions.

You could be a flanker.

You could be a defensive end...

- Oh, good, you
haven't started yet!

Excuse me, Schneider, hi.

Can you put this in with
the permanent press, hon?

- Sure, Barb.

- Thank you, Alex.

And I know it's Saturday,
so I really hate to ask,

but I didn't have time to
get to the breakfast dishes.

Oh, you're a
sweetheart, thank you.

- Be sure to darn my pantyhose

after you make the
ladyfingers for tea!

- I'm sure you meant
something by that, Schneider,

but right now I haven't got
time to find out what it is.


- I can't wait till Monday so
I can go to school and rest.

- Come on in my place, kiddo.

I'll buy you a root beer.

- Can I leave this
stuff here, Schneider?

- Hey, we got a class
operation around here.

Nobody steals any laundry.

Unless it's clean.

Hurry up in there,
Mrs. Giamabalbo!

(woman yells in Italian)

I think she's still teed off

because the Yanks took Salerno.

- Is he that rookie
from Guadalajara?

- Get in.

- Hey, Schneider?

What's all this?

- Oh, I was just
cleaning my gun.

- Your gun?

Where, let me see it.

- You mean to tell me I

never showed you
my trusty old .30-30?

- No.

Wow, Schneider, it's beautiful!

Is it loaded?

- Whoa, wait a second kid.

Easy there.

Guns are like women.

You never fool around with
one if you know it's loaded.

You ever handle
one of these things?

- No.

- Yeah, this here is the
famous frontier special,

the Winchester .30-30.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

If Custer had this,

Sitting Bull woulda
been Sitting Duck.


- Look, I got the day off.

I may be going
down the rifle range,

squeeze off a few rounds.


Would you like to
maybe sight it in?

- Schneider, I'd really like to.

But I was supposed
to turn on a crock pot

full of beans at ten o'clock.

Then at noon, Ms. R said...
- Tell you what.

Why don't you just hold
this in your hands here.

Put your hand under the barrel.

There you go.

Put the stock in here.

Now rest your
cheek on the stock.

Kneel down for a second.

Put your elbow on your knee.

There you go,
looking pretty good.

Now, you look down the barrel,

then you sight on the bead.

- Feels great!

- Schneider is that... (gasps)

Put that damn thing away!

- I think we better
circle the wagons.

Alright, it's all clear!

- Schneider, I asked
you to put that thing away.

- Now wait a second, Ms. Romano.

We have a mutually
consenting thing here.

And I mean, we're functioning
in the privacy of our...

- Schneider.

I don't want Alex playing with
your lethal macho toys, okay?

- This is not a toy.

You don't play with this.

Every kid should know how to...
- Damn it!

Schneider, you are
not Daniel Boone

in the forest hunting
rabbits for food.

You are standing here
practically in the middle of traffic

in the 20th century
and I really don't app...

Alex, sweetheart,
it's very simple.

Guns kill people.

- Wrong! People kill people!

- Wrong. People make
guns that kill people.

- Wrong!

People make people
who kill people.


- Alex, I want you to
promise me right now

that you'll never
touch that thing again.


Now, right in front
of Jesse James here.

- Go ahead, make the promise!

Then get back to your
laundry and dishwashers

and all your little
chores around the house.

You can grow up to
be a big macho maid!

- Schneider.

Right or wrong, Alex
is my responsibility.

So to put this in as
ladylike terms as I can,

butt the hell out!

- I thought I was
doing the laundry!

- You oughta watch
your Italian temper!

(woman yells in Italian)

Ms. Giambalbo.

(responds in Italian)

Would you mind doing my laundry?

- [Giambalbo] Ah, sure!

(continues in Italian)

- Okay, I'll go get it for ya.


- Alex is coming down?

Why didn't you
tell us, Schneider?

- Alright, jacks
or better to open.

- If I wanted to play
cards with a kid,

I'd have practiced
up on my Go Fish.

- Listen, time immemorial,

it has been the responsibility

of the old bulls to
teach the young bucks

the difference between eating
hay and chewing your cud.

- Couldn't have
said it better myself.

- What the heck did he say?

- I dunno, it sounds
like a lot of bull!

- Kid needs a lot more
male companionship.

- So he joins the Boy Scouts.

Come on, let's play cards.

- Alex is doing fine.

He's going out for the
freshman football team.

- Like hell.

Ms. Romano won't let him.

- Really, why?

- I dunno.

She's saving him
for varsity knitting.

- Well have him
crochet me a full house!

I pass.

- I mean, look at the facts.

All the people in his
life right now are women.

I mean, there's
Barbara, Ms. Romano,

probably most of his
teachers at school,

and there's Grandma, Francine,
Julie when she's in town.

- Gee, the kid could turn weird

from the smell of
the perfume alone.

- I'm open for a half.

- The other morning, he was
down here sorting laundry.

- No!

- Undies and panty hose.

- His own?

- Listen.

Are we gonna sit around
talking about this kid all day

or are we gonna play cards?

- It's just not normal.

- How can you expect
him to be normal?

He's a teenager.

- I'm telling you, Mark, you
don't know what's going on.

It just makes me
sick to watch it.

- Kid should do a
hitch in the Marines.

Did wonders for my wife.

- Well if everybody's
through being funny,

can we get back to
the game, please?

- Ralph's right, we
came here to play cards.

Let's play some cards.

- Those cards ain't gonna get

any better by
themselves, Schneider.

What do ya do?

- You wanna know
what the real problem is?

- Oh, brother.

- The kid's father died
a couple of years ago

and any good the guy
did is wearing off fast!

- Well, maybe he could use
a little more male influence.

- A little more male influence?

The other morning, Ms.
Romano stood right there

and told that kid never
to touch my .30-30 again.

- The Winchester?

Woman should be put away!

- Hey, Belly.

Whatever happened
to your old .38?

- She's 45 now.

- He kills me.

- Hey, I got an idea.

If we wanna get real
male influence for this kid,

let's take him down to the
mud wrestling night at the lodge.

- That'll put a bloom
on his cheeks, huh?

- That's a terrific idea.

One night at the lodge,

he'll learn all the rudiments of

smoking, drinking,
swearing and leering.

- Better to learn from the
Secret Order of the Beavers

than from the gutter.

- But Schneider, mud wrestling!

- Well, I dunno, maybe
Mark has got a point there.

I mean mud wrestling
could be a little...

Maybe there's some other
activity that we can take him to.

- You wanna
cancel out the effects

of all those women on the kid?

Have him think male,
think macho, think manhood!

- Think mud.

I gotta think study.

I got a big exam in the morning.

Just let me know what I owe ya.


I'll get it.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Alex.

(men greet Alex)

- Alex, are your ears burning?

- Why, is my face red?

- No, but maybe it should be.

See you guys.

Oh, sorry.

- Was he making fun
of a sacred gesture?

- Who knows, the
man is a dentist.

Sit down, Alex.

- I'll get you a root beer.

- Sure, you got any diet?

- What's with the diet, kid?

You watching your figure?

- Nah, I just kinda
got used to it.

That's usually all we
have around the house.

- No diet, Alex.

Gonna have to take
your root beer straight.

- Give it to him
in a dirty glass.

- Hey, Alex.

How's it going in school?

- Yeah, getting in any fights?

- You take biology?

- They showing you
any new health films?

- Come on, huh?


Just have a nice
conversation here.

So, Alex, today in high school,

I mean, what's the ratio
between boys and girls?

- I don't know.

But I do have this one class
where there's 27 girls and me.

(men react)

- How sweet it is!

- That's pretty good.

What class is that, Alex?

- Cooking.

Right now, we're doing souffles.


- Hi, Mom.

- Wow!

Annie, you look sensational!

- Thank you!

I'm off, business dinner.

- Good luck.

We got some chicken for Alex.

- Oh, that's not necessary.

Alex went with Schneider
to the Pacers game.

- Pacers are out of town.

- Oh.

I just assumed it
was the Pacers game.

He said he was going
to some sporting event

with Schneider and
his lodge buddies.

- Oh, no.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.

- Mark, I'm running late.

Where's Alex?

- Uh... Well, you
know, Schneider felt

that Alex needed
a little more...

Male companionship.

- Yeah, I know.

He wants Alex to join a posse.

Where is he?

- Well, if I'm not mistaken,

Schneider and the
guys took Alex to the...

Wrestling matches.

- Very stimulating.


- I don't believe they did that.

- Did what?

- Schneider took
Alex to the lodge.

They're having mud wrestling.

- Mud wrestling?

- Mud wrestling?!

- My god.

He took a 14-year-old boy

to see some women
slog around in the mud?

Do you mean to tell me that?

- No, I didn't mean
to tell you that.

You overheard.


How dare he?

Taking Alex to see some women

titillate the kinky fantasies

of a bunch of dirty old men?

- Now wait a minute, Annie...

- And what strange
male philosophy

says that you have a
chauvinistic duty to protect him?

- Code of the jungle?

(Ann groans)

- Gimme a break!

- Now wait a second, Tarzan.

You knew about this all along.

You're no better than they are.

- I certainly am!

I don't like my women
covered with mud.

I like pudding.

I thought it was a lot of talk!

Besides, I didn't wanna
spoil your dinner just now.

- Look, Barbara, call
Francine, will you?

Tell her she's gonna have
to handle that dinner alone.

The issue here now is Alex.

- It's too late to
do anything now.

- The hell it is.

- Now that's what
I was afraid of.

Your mother is gonna
go down to that lodge

all by herself and confront
a hundred screaming men.

- Yeah.

They don't have a chance.

(whistle blows)

- The winner and new champion
of our Industrial Division,

Sarah Fawcett!

(men cheer and whistle)

- I won! I won!

Pay up, come on!

Can I pick 'em
or can I pick 'em?

Pay up.

Hey, Sarah, here's
mud in your eye.

- And let's have a nice
hand for our runner-up,

Mitzi Magoo!

(men cheer)

And remember, honey, it's
not how you play the game.

It's whether you win or ooze.

(men boo and groan)

(whistle blows)

Now gentlemen,

we're gonna have
a little intermission.

And remember,
every drink you buy

means 50 cents
for a new backstop

for our ballpark!

(men cheer)

- Atta way!

I love doing charity
work! (laughs)


- Password?

- Eeno, eeno.

Wacky wacky doo.

Dolly pan, molly
pan, woo woo woo!

- Wrong!


- What do you
mean wrong, Everett?

- We changed the
password to "high noon."

- Alright.

High noon.

- Enter, brother.

Hiya, Schnide!

- How are ya there, Everett?

Good to see ya.

- Who's this?

- This is Alex.

Alex, say hello to Everett.

He is the keeper of
our western portal.

- Hi, Everett.
- Welcome, Alex.

You only get half credit
for recruiting this one.

- Yeah, I know
that, I know that.

- Hey, Schneider,
take a look at that fish!

Who caught it?

- I did. (clears throat)

- Hey, Schneider,
come over here!

We saved two seats.

Hey, Alex.

- Hey, you missed
the first match.

It was a doozy!

- We saw them going out.

- Yeah, how do you
tell one from the other?

- Oh, I have my system.

- But he's never
had the guts to use it.

- How you doing, Alex?

- Oh, great.

- I tell ya, you missed
a great one just now.

- Oh, was the wrestling good?

- The wrestling?

Oh, yeah, that was good, too!

- Hey, Alex.

Want a hot dog with
some kraut and chili?

I guess my eyes were
bigger than my stomach.

- That'll be the day.

Well this sure beats making
souffles, doesn't it, kid?

- Yeah, Schneider.

- This is what it's
all about, you know.

Hanging out with the guys.

I mean, whether it's
bowling or hunting,

it's just guys being with guys,

exchanging ideas on
what it is to be a guy.

- Getting the hang of it?

- Yeah, it's great.

- Yeah, you're damn right it is.


- I'm Ann Romano...

- Contestants use the side door.

- No, I...


If you shut that panel
on me one more time,

I'm gonna call the police.

- I can save you the dime.

Sergeant Hanson is refereeing!


- Don't be cute.

I wanna see Dwayne Schneider
and I wanna see him now.

- Oh, you're one of his.

- No, I am not one of his.

Get him now.

Not tomorrow,
not in ten minutes.

Right now.

- Whom should I say is calling?

I'll get him.

- So I sneak into the
honeymoon cottage,

before they get there, right?

And I crawl under the bed,

and I'm tying the cowbell
to the bedsprings, right?

All of a sudden I hear a noise!

I know I'm trapped.

I look out.

I see four feet walking
towards the bed.

- The bride and the groom.

- No, it's the cow
looking for her bell.


- Hey, Schneider,
it must be great

having new ears
for your old jokes.

- It sure is.

Listen, kid, why don't
you get us some peanuts

before the next match?

You guys wants anything?

(men refuse)

- It's okay, Schneider,
this one's on me.

- Wait a minute, kid,
on second thought,

as long as you're buying,

I'll take two beers.

- Hey, that sounds good.

I'll have a chili dog, a side
of fries and a beer myself.

- Bring me four Fig Newtons,

a hamburger with
everything on it.

- I'll have a steak sandwich.

- Schneider, I'll
buy the next time.

(men laugh)

You guys!

- Schneider!

There's a lady at the
door who wants to see ya.

- Hey, Schneider, the
line forms at the right!

- Tell her we'll
put her on the list!

- Try to explain to
her that tonight may be

the wrong night for
whatever it is she has in mind.

- You don't explain
nothin' to this lady!

She started yellin' practically
before I opened the panel.

That is one
hot-tempered redhead!

- Redhead?

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

- Ms. Romano?
- Who else?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa...

- Listen, after all, what did
you do wrong, Schneider?

I mean, you just brought her kid

to watch a few ladies
wrestling in the mud.

- Knock it off, will ya, Ralph?

I know what I did.

I did the right thing.

I did it for the kid.

- Lay down the law.

Show her who's boss!


- I'm puttin' five
bucks on the redhead.

- Thanks a lot, guys!

Really a bunch of pals!

Come on, Everett.

- Schneider...
- Ms. Romano.

I'm gonna ask you to put
aside your female prejudices

in order that we may
be able to communicate.

- I cannot communicate
through a hole in the door.

Let me in.

- Can't. We got rules.

- I have rules too about Alex.

You better let me
in or I'll scream

until I attract every
animal in that zoo in there.

- Everett, I'm gonna
have to let her in.

- Oh, no, no!


you let one in, you
gotta let 'em all in!

Look at our armed services.

- Good, thank you.

- You gonna wrestle
in that dress, Red?

- Bug off, buddy!

- Ooh, I love it
when they talk dirty!

- Please, the boys are just
a little bit restless tonight.

- I'll just bet.

Where's Alex?

- He went to get some peanuts.

- To feed the girls?

- Alright, Ms. Romano,
so you're a little bit upset.

The thing is, you
know, I had a problem.

I tried to tell you,
you weren't home.

- You knew I would have said no.

- Well, that was
another problem.

- How could you bring a
14-year-old boy to this kind of...


- Spectacle?

Mud wrestling?


Mud wrestling is
nothing but the Olympics

with lousy weather conditions!

It's not the event, Ms. Romano,

it's the male companionship.

The kid needs to be with men!

I mean, look at the lovely
members we have over here.

There they are.

- I see a bunch of antiquated,
potbellied beer-swillers

come to watch women
wallow in the slime.

- Hey, wait a second.

We have our standards
here at this lodge.

I mean, last month alone,

we signed up two insurance
men, a CPA, an ex-priest.

- Alex is my concern, not yours!

- Well, he is my
concern, Ms. Romano.

I mean, I'm the
only male in his life.

He needs a father figure.

- A father figure, maybe.

Not the missing link.

- Ms. Romano, there
are certain things

that a guy can only
do with other guys.

It's part of the manhood
ritual, you know,

like dumping garbage on
your English teacher's porch,

or maybe tipping
over outhouses or...

- Oh, yeah.

Schneider, I
didn't see it before.

Thank you.

I thought being manly
meant silly things

like having a sense of values,

integrity, having self-respect.

Doesn't mean that at all!

It means tipping over outhouses!

- Who's talking about integrity?

You don't teach integrity!

Alex has got integrity!

I'm sorry, Ms. Romano.

You ain't never gonna know
what it feels like to be a man!

- That makes two of us.

Ooh, there's Alex.

- Wait a second!

Wait a minute, you
can't go over there!

- Leave me alone!


- Fellas, you know Ms. Romano.

- Ms. R, hi!

It's Ms. R.

She's here.

- You call this a
sporting event?

- Well, it's got a referee
and he keeps score.

- Come on, let's get outta here.

- Ms. Romano, why don't
you just wait a minute.

- Move out of the
way, Schneider.

Please be careful, Alex.

- Here, sit down
here for a second.

- I do not want to sit down!

- Will you keep your voice down?

You're embarrassing the kid!

- I'm embarrassing him?

He'd be embarrassed to tears

watching one of
these sexist exhibitions.

Right, Alex?

(men groan)

- Well, yeah, probably.

- What do ya mean, probably?

This is nothing more
than good clean fun.

You'd enjoy this, right, Alex?

- Well, yeah, probably.

- Why is it that
women have to think

that everything is sexist?

- Because, Schneider,

you're not gonna have any
men wrestling in the mud.

- That's only because we're not

an equal-opportunity employer.

Thing is, this conversation
is not about mud wrestling.

It is about male role models.

- Role models?

He's got a hamster
that's a better role model!

- Anybody want a peanut?

- [Both] No!

- I'm getting your jacket
and we're getting out of here.

- Look, Ms. Romano,
the bottom line is this.

He's better off here
with us guys than he is...

Than he is with an apron
in some cooking class!

- Schneider, I
didn't take that class

because I love cooking.

- Yeah, you took it... What?

- Well, I like cooking,
but it's an easy A,

I get free lunch,

and where else
can I be the only guy

in a room full
of terrific girls?

- Look at that, fellas.

We've had a positive
influence on him already.

- It has nothing to do with...

(whistle blows)

(men cheer and whistle)

(whistle blows)

- And now,
gentlemen... and lady.

- It is not degrading!

- I've got to get out of here.

- No, Ms. Romano, please.

- Let me out of here,
I do not... Schnedier!

Schneider, wait a
minute, I'm going...

(Ann screams)

(men cheer)

(whistle blows)


(closing theme music)