One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 6 - Auntie Francine - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- Okay, accuracy is the
byword at Gallagher Computer

Corporation, just as the
ball always rings the...

♪ Step on my toes
♪ Spit on my face

♪ I'm not responsible
for the human race

♪ Pull out my
hair Uh, Alex, Alex!

- Too loud, too soft,
too weird, too dumb?

- Close.

You may not realize
it but I am working.

(bell rings)

- No kidding.

You get paid for
dropping a tennis ball

in a jar?

- No, it's a visual metaphor.

- Oh.

- Well see, the client
makes computers,

very accurate computers
so I dropped the ball

into the jar, if I'm accurate,

the ball will ring the bell.


Alex, could you at
least have the decency

to look interested.

- Oh, I am.

I am, I just can't see
what you can use that for.

You gonna put that on TV?

A ball in a jar.

- No.

No, see it's, I'm working on it.

It's a springboard.

- Oh yeah.

What's the water got
to do with a computer?

- Nothing.

It's an attention getter.

- I thought you were
trying to show accuracy.

- Yeah, I am.

Well, it's not finished yet.

I'm working on it

Sometimes in
advertising, you don't

necessarily use the obvious.

I mean, water is
excitement, it's jeopardy.

- If you want jeopardy
why don't you drop

the tennis ball in
a tiger's mouth?

(audience laughs)

- Because you
can't get the tiger

to swallow a bell
while sitting in water.

(audience laughs)

- Oh.

♪ Step on my toes
♪ Spit on my face

♪ I'm not responsible
for the human race

♪ Pull out my hair ♪
And gouge out my eyes

♪ Because human
beings are what I despise

♪ Oh yeah ♪ Oh yeah Gentleman!

Gentleman, can I
have... I would not...


- What are you listening
to there, Lawrence Welk?


When did you learn how to play

wet pan drop jar ball?

- This is a demonstration
of accuracy.

- You want accuracy, go
watch two hummingbirds

try to make out.

(audience laughs)

In a high wind.
- Schneider.

- At night.
- Schneider.

- When the little
one's got a headache.

- Schneider, I...

Ms. R, are you bugged
about something?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Look, this whole
thing is my fault.

I should know better than to try

to work in the middle
of a traffic pattern,

I mean after all, you
and Schneider have

all the right in the
world to make fun of

the work I'm trying to do.

(doorbell rings)

And if that is
somebody at the door

with dynamite to
blow up this thing,

let 'em in.

- I will get it.

I don't want no
dynamite in this building.

Whoa, whoa.

Introducing the
fragrant, the enchanting

Ms. Webster, and
this is one Webster

that's totally unabridged.

(audience laughs)

How I should love to
peruse your glossary.

- Well, call me when
you get to kinky.

- Ewwww.

- Hello everybody.

- [Ann] Hello, Francine.

- I just stopped by to
see how your visual

presentation is coming along.

I'm going to see
Andrew Gallagher tonight.

- Well, um...

- Annie, I have to tell
Gallagher something

when I see him.

I mean, I have
worked my derrière off

to land this fish.

- Didn't seem to
hurt the bait any.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider.

- Yep, you've got work to do.

I got work to do.

Would you believe
it, old Mrs. Bigelow,

she jammed another
carton of frozen peas

into the kitchen vent.

If I've told her
once, I've told her

a thousand times, Mrs.
Bigelow, you do not have

a microwave oven.

(audience laughs)

- Ms. R, why don't you show
Francine what you worked out?

- Uh, no, uh-uh.

No, it's not right.

- Oh Annie, Gallagher
wants results.

I will take anything.

- It's a visual simafore.

- Metaphor.

Uh, accuracy is the byword
at Gallagher Computer


Just as a ball
always rings the bell.


- Is that it?


You mustn't lose
confidence in yourself

because of one stupid idea.

♪ Oh yeah, oh
yeah, step on my face.

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah.

♪ Nah nah nah - Alex!

How many times
have I told you please,

do not play with that
ball in the living room.

- That's why I'm
in the dining room.

- Oh Alex, for heaven's sake.

We're not in, we're
in the same room.

You know the living
room, the dining room

is one thing and there
is no reason why...

- Romano, now listen.

I'm watching $20,000
in commission

go down the drain because
you can't concentrate.

So I have an idea.

Alex, what Ann needs is,
oh, a little peace and quiet.

So, why don't you spend
the day with me today?

If that's okay with
you, handsome.

- Handsome.

Yeah, it's okay.

Just don't tell Joanne Boyer.

- Well, well, Francine.

Good luck, you
know 14-year old boys

are not easy.

Of course, Alex does adore you.

- Oh well, he can't help that.

(Ann laughs)

- I sure hope you know what

you're letting yourself in for.

- Well, it could be fun.

He'll be like a brother to me.

- Then you'll be like
a grandmother to him.

(audience laughs)

- Ha, well, you may
puck him up at 6:00.

- 6:00 is fine.

Alex, would you put
something decent on please?

- Oh, okay.

Oh, Francine,
where are we going?

- Oh, it's going to
be very exciting.

We are going to land
a national account.

- Oh, where?

- At the flower show.

- The flower show.

(audience laughs)


(audience laughs)

- Good luck, Francine.

- Okay.

- Wow, Francine.

This is rad.

- Oh.

Rad, is that good?

- Oh, it's the best.

- Oh.

- Ms. Romano has
nothing but real furniture.

Can I sit on it?

- Oh sure.

Make yourself at home.

- First I have to call her
and tell her we're here.

- Uh, the bathroom
is right in there

if you want to clean
up and feel free

to use the jacuzzi.

- Ah, nobody's home.

- Oh, Alex, you know
we really had a good time

today, didn't we?

- Francine, you sound surprised.

I thought you always
had a good time.

- Well, I guess I do try.

- Boy, the people you know.

Stopping by that
artist's studio was great.

- Uh, yes, he was
supposed to be working on

a still life.

- Oh, he was.

That model didn't move a muscle.

(audience laughs)

Or anything.

- Yes, you know, I was thinking,

maybe we shouldn't
mention that to Ann.

- I was thinking the same thing.


(doorbell rings)

- Oh, Ann.

Hi, is it 6:00 already?

- Almost.

- [Alex] Hey, Ms. R.

- Oh hi, Alex, you
survived the flower show?

- Oh sure, then we went
to this great wine tasting

thing where this
huge lady spilled wine

right down her front.


- Wine tasting?

- Oh, well, he just ate a
lot of cheese and apples.

Now, did you get
the project finished.

- Uh no, but I do have
an idea that I would like...

- Romano, we have a deadline.

- Hey, you know,
if it'll help any,

I can stay here overnight.

It's the least I can do.

(audience laughs)

- No, Alex, thank you.

I think that we have
intruded on Francine's

good nature long enough.

- No, we haven't.

I think that I can put
up with this little patron

of the arts for one more day.


- Well.

- Thanks, terrific.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Don't work too hard, Ms. R.

- Okay now Annie, is
there anything special

that I should know.

Rules, medicine, vitamin?

This is all a little
bit new to me.


- Just use your own judgment.

- Oh, good.

- Are you sure?

- Not to worry.

Alex and I get
along wonderfully.

- Oh, well, good.

I'll go get some work done.

It's very pink.

(audience laughs)

- No kidding, you
have your own jet.

Do you fly it yourself?

- Oh, I sure do.

I have to fly
between our offices.

- Oh, wait until you see
the great ad campaign

Mr. R created for you.

See, she's got this
tennis ball and this bell

and this pan of water
and she holds the...

- Bell, Ann, and water?

- Well, she must be into
witchcraft or something.


Alex, would you
like another drink?

- Oh, okay.

- I'll get it.

Root beer, right?

- With a twist.

(audience laughs)

- Francine, he's okay.

Which one of those ladies
did you say had the facelift?

- Please, not so loud.

- Right, right.

The one with the
feathers down her dress?

- No, no, the other one.

She has had so many
facelifts that every time

she bends her knees,
her mouth opens.

(audience laughs)

- Did I miss something?

- No, no, just a private
joke between Alex and me.

- Thank you.

- Nice kid.

What did you say his
relationship is to you?

- None.

Everybody, I think
we should be going

because our dinner
reservations are at 8:00.

- You know, Andrew, I'd love
to see your plane sometime.

- Right, sure.

Why don't we eat first?

- What?

- Alex, Andrew.

- Francine, how about
a little midnight spin?

What do you say?

- Tonight?

In the jet, in the air?

You, me, us?

- What about Ann?

- Oh, I don't think
she'd want to come.

(audience laughs)

- Accuracy is the
byword at Gallagher

Computer Corporation.

Just as the dart always
breaks the balloon.

(door thuds)

(audience laughs)

- Pack your bags
Romano, you're going back

to the minors.

- If you smile, if you
so much as snicker,

I will take you...

- I'm not going to snicker
or I'm not going to smile.

Listen, popping balloons,
you know requires

a lot of skill, a
lot of dedication,

a lot of practice.

I was the champion
in the 5th fleet.

- Schneider, is there anything

that you are not terrific at?


(phone rings)

- I've got it.


Oh hi there kid, how are ya?

Yeah, Alex and Francine
are having breakfast.

- Good.

- At this terrific restaurant.

In New Orleans.

(audience laughs)

- Alex and Francine
are in New Orleans?

- Oh yeah, yeah, they
flew down in a friends

private jet.

- Oh boy, this
is really terrific.

- Ms. Romano says
that's terrific, Alex.

See ya later.

- Let me have that...

- That's really, I
mean can you imagine,

a kid, a 14-year
old kid flying down

to New Orleans for breakfast?

(speaking French)

(audience laughs)

(balloon pops)

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Takes Alex down to
Louisiana without so much

as a may I.

- Hey Mom.


Mom, you owe me $2.95.

I picked up your sweater
at the dry cleaners.

Oh I know you're going
to say that I'm the one

that spilled ketchup
on it but you're the one

that was rushing me.

On the other hand, I
want to wear it tonight

and if I get spaghetti
on it we can call it even.

(audience laughs)

What's the matter?

- It's Alex.

A friend of Francine's flew
them down to New Orleans

for breakfast.

- You're kidding?

That sounds exciting.

- I tell ya something,
you don't know

the difference between
exciting and dumb.

- The heck I don't.

Flying from Indiana to
New Orleans for breakfast,

that's exciting.

Flying from New Orleans
to Indian for breakfast,

that's dumb.

(audience laughs)

- I gotta tell ya though,
New Orleans, wow.

That's some swinging city.

Yeah, I grew up in New Orleans.

- I didn't know that.

You spent your childhood there?

- No, I spent a weekend there.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, don't worry about it.

Alex is probably
having a great time.

It's educational.

- You know, you gotta
remind me sometime

to tell ya about the
Mississippi Queen.

What a character he was.

(audience laughs)

- What is wrong
with that Francine?

Who eats breakfast
in New Orleans?

- Al Hurt.

- You know, she really
is a swinging chick.

That is probably what
keeps the woman so young.

- Francine Webster
puts her pants on

one leg at a time just
like any other woman.

- I wonder if she
charges admission.


- And you wanna know
what keeps her young?

She did not have
to raise two girls,

a teenage boy, and a janitor.

(audience laughs)

- Ms. Romano, do I per
chance possibly detect

a little bit of jealousy?

- Schneider, do you
remember I told you about

that insulation that's
coming loose around that

window up there?

- Yeah.

- Well, why don't
you go stuff it?

(audience laughs)

- Lasagna, french
fries, and beans.

Do you eat that
stuff or just apply it

directly to your hips?

- Ms. Romano, remember
my telling you about

growing up in New
Orleans in two days?

- Yep.

- I think we've got
a new world record.


(audience laughs)

May I present to
you, squadron leader,

Alex Skywalker.

- HI, oh wow, what a weekend.

Have you guys ever
been in a private jet?

- Well, it looks like
you're still in orbit.

- Let me tell ya, that
Francine, she's really

a character.

Bet you've never
done a loop to loop

with a lady like that.

- I did a loop to loop
with a lady like that

and we never left the ground.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, doesn't anybody
get a kiss around here?

- Oh yeah.

Did you know Aunt
Francine knows how to fly?

Mm-hmm, she let
me take the controls.

- Aunt Francine?

- Oh, and wait til you
hear about New Orleans

and the two sisters.

- Oh, yeah, I remember them.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, it's a restaurant.

- Oh they invested, huh?

(audience laughs)

- Aunt Francine was speaking
French to the maître d'.

- Uh huh.

- She's been to Paris.

I had eggs (speaking French).

- Oh, well, Ma,
you wanna hit him

with your blue plate special?

(audience laughs)

- Tell me, Alex, where
did you get that outfit?

- [Group] Oh, Aunt Francine.

- Yeah, yeah.

She picked it out for me.

She makes you
feel like a real man.

(audience laughs)

- Well, Alex, being
a man is very nice

but tomorrow is
a school day so...

(knocking at door)

- I'll get it.

- [Ann] Thank you.

- I'll get it.


23 skidoo and entres vous.

- Hello everybody.

- Well look at that.

They found Amelia Earhart.

(audience laughs)

- It's just a simple jumpsuit.

- Well, Francine,
Alex was just telling me

that his weekend was pleasant.

- Oh well, he's a good man.

- Yeah, I was just
telling her all about it.

- All about it.

Well, I certainly hope
you didn't tell her about...

(Francine whispers)


- Are you crazy?

- Hey, don't bother to tell me.

What I don't know won't hurt me.


- Oh, no, Ann,
really it's nothing.

We were just talking about
going to the cubs game

in Chicago next Saturday.

- Are we really going?

- Yeah.
- No.

- Why not?

- Because Alex has
to help me on Saturday.

We are taking the
furniture out of his room

and repainting the walls.

- Gee, that's no problem.

I just got my spray
gun back from the shop.

I can take care of that
for ya in about 40 minutes.

- Well terrific.

Alex, I'll pick you up at 9:00.

- No.

- Why can't I go, Ms. R?

- Because I...
- Because she said so.

- Said so.

Alex, will you take out
the garbage please?

- What garbage?

- Find some.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, bound to
find some in my room.

- Well, I've got nothing
to do but I can see now

is a terrific time to do it.


- Okay, we are now alone.

(audience laughs)

Let's all sit down and
we will settle this matter.

- Schneider.

- All right, you want to
settle it over there, okay.

Oh, you want me to, okay,
you two discuss this thing.

You come to a decision,
I'll be available to review it.

(clears throat)

- Romano, what is your problem?

- It's no big deal.

I just don't think
it's a very good idea

for a 14-year old
boy to be flying

all around the country
and driving off to Chicago

for a ballgame.

- Why not?

- Because it gives him
the wrong set of values.

- My set of values.

- Well, Francine.

Let's face it.

You are not exactly
Mother Teresa.

- Well, even Mother
Teresa would prefer

to go to a ball game
than paint a room.

- I want him to know what
the real world is all about.

I don't want him
getting used to you

and your fantasy island.

- Oh, terrific.

You want to keep him right here

in Little House on the Prairie.

(audience laughs)

- You know what your
problem is Francine.

One of your problems.

You have never raised a kid.

You are insensitive, selfish,

thoughtless and skinny.

- And you are dull,
jealous, uptight,

and short.

- I know what I am doing.

I have raised two daughters.

- I had a cat that raised 12.

(doorbell rings)


- 9:00 would be fine.

- What?

- 9:00 Saturday morning,
Alex is looking forward

to that ballgame.

And I want him to go with you.

- Well, that's very nice.

What are you up to, Romano?

- Francine, can't you just
take yes for an answer?

I'm sorry.

Look I acted a little
crazy awhile ago because,

well there is a
possibility that I could be

perhaps a little
envious of you at times.

See you never had
an apartment full of kids

bickering and yelling
and wanting your attention.

- That's true.

- I mean, you're free to
come and go as you please.

- You know, I don't like
to admit this, Romano,

but there are times
when I'm here alone.

Nothing but a glass of champagne
and some leftover lobster.

(audience laughs)

- See Francine, that is sort
of what I'm talking about.

Leftover lobster and
champagne is not my idea of...

(doorbell rings)

- Excuse me.


Hello, Andrew.

- Hello, Francine.

Just in the neighborhood.

- Oh.

- Hi, Ann.

- Hello, Andy.

- Hey, that Alex,
great kid you got there.

- Oh, thank you.

- Franny, how's this weekend?

You busy?

- Oh, well, I'm sorry, Andrew,

but Saturday is a
very important day.

Big date, cannot break it.

- Oh, too bad.

- Let me fix you
a drink instead.

- I'm flying over to Bermuda.

- Oh.

- Two hours of business,
two days of sun and fun.

- Oh.

- I'm really gonna miss ya.


- What?

- What are you
doing this weekend?

How does Bermuda sound?


- Thank you, Andy,
that's very sweet.

But no, I can't just go
flying off to Bermuda.

There's Alex of course and,
well I have two daughters.

- Oh, well how old are they?

- 21 and 22.

(Andy laughs)

- Take a minute,
think it over, Ann.

Oh, I've got to call my service.

May I use your phone?

- Certainly, use the
one in the bedroom.


- Francine.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just poor Andrew.

He thinks because we're partners

that you're like me.

Spontaneous, impetuous,
fun-loving, full of adventure.

But that's just not you.

(audience laughs)

- You're right.

I am not the type
to fly off to Bermuda

on a whim.

- Well, I do understand that.

So I'll tell ya what
I'm gonna do.

I'm going to make the
sacrifice of going to Bermuda

and I'll let you take
Alex to the game.

- I'm not the type usually.

- What?

- Tell me, Francine.

What do I wear in
Bermuda this time of year?

(audience laughs)



(upbeat theme music)