One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 24 - Sisters - full transcript
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- This should really
rent for much more,
but I'm in a hurry
to join my husband.
He's been
transferred to Seattle.
- Well thank you, may we
look around some more?
- Help yourself.
- Thank you.
- Come on Doc, we got
10 minutes until we tee off.
- All right, we're
gonna get there.
- I don't know what
we're doing here anyway.
- I just want to look
around the place.
Oh boy.
Wouldn't Barbara and
I love a house like this?
A den, the piano, the fireplace.
No mother in law.
- I know what you mean,
she's my mother in law too.
- Yeah, boy.
Don't get me wrong.
I mean, I love Ann.
- Me too.
- Max, let me ask you something.
When you were living
there, did she talk a lot?
- Constantly.
Her favorite line
was, now I know it's
none of my business, but.
- None of my business, but.
- Yeah, that's Ann.
- Yeah.
- Well listen, why don't
we get out of here?
You can't afford this place.
- Did you see the yard?
- [Mark] Oh sure, that
yard would be great for
the baby, wouldn't it?
- Oh yeah.
And this den I was
looking at, boy oh boy.
Would this be great
for me to write in.
I'll tell you, this
place sure beats
that dump Julie
and I live in now.
- Yeah.
Well, come on let's go,
you can't afford it either.
- You know, we could afford it.
- What do we do with the wives?
- Keep them, they
earn most of the money.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Are you suggesting
that the four of us
move in here together?
- Well, I never
really thought about it
until I just mentioned it.
- Well you know,
it's not a bad idea.
- Yeah.
The four of us could
certainly afford it
if we split the
rent, and we'd have
a whole house to ourselves.
- Oh boy, our own yard, our
own dishes, our own kitchen.
And no Schneider.
I mean, not that I
don't love Schneider.
- You don't have
to explain it to me.
- Everybody loves
Schneider, ask him.
I think we'd better talk
it over with the girls first.
- I think you got a good point.
Yeah, come on.
- I mean, this
really is a steal.
I think we'd better
lock it up today.
- Did you see the way they
cleaned up the bathtub?
You'd never know there'd
even been a murder.
We'll take it.
- Oh well, I was thinking
more of renting to a couple.
- Oh, we're married.
(crying)
- Quiet, little Annie.
I'll be right there,
I'll be right there.
It's too hot, do
you want it hot?
I'll give it to you
hot if you want it hot.
- What is all the
screaming, all the crying?
I got tenants in this building
that can't hear
themselves fight.
- Well Julie steps
out and the second,
the second the door shuts,
little Annie starts to cry.
- [Dwayne] Did you burp her?
- Yeah, I burped her.
Do you know what
it feels like to have
warm, sour milk
running down your back?
Now I think she's hungry again.
I don't know, Schneider.
Nothing seems to please her.
- Yeah well, be
glad she's crying.
A woman stops crying, she
goes out and buys something.
Here, I'll feed her, I'm
pretty good with kids.
- All right careful, it
might be a little too hot.
Listen, why don't
I go feed the kid
and I'll sing to her
while this cools.
- Yeah, go ahead.
♪ Rockabye baby
I'll rockabye your baby.
- Hey, Schneider.
How you doing?
What's up?
Is the caramel good?
- Hey, biggest guy.
- Hey there.
- Hey, we've got some big news.
- You do, what?
- Are you ready?
We rented a house.
- You rented a house.
Oh, I think
that's just terrific.
That's wonderful, you and
Barbara are moving out.
Not that I don't love
having you here.
- What are you talking
about, you're renting a house?
You can't afford a house.
- Well, they're gonna
share it with me and Julie.
- Wait a minute, did
the girls agree to that?
- Well, we haven't
told them yet.
- Whoa.
El mistako mal grande.
- By sharing the house,
we're gonna be able to afford it,
and it's big
enough for all of us.
- Right.
You rented a house without
telling Barbara or Julie.
- Oh boy.
You don't hear
about Charles and Di
moving in with Philip
and Elizabeth, do you?
- Come on you two, would
you give us some credit?
We know our wives.
- You should've told them.
The only two things a man
never tells his wife about
is his mistress
and his Maserati.
- Look, economically,
I think you made
a very logical move.
- Thank you.
- Where you were
stupid is in thinking
that the two sisters
would want to live together.
- Hi.
The baby's asleep.
- Oh thanks, Alex.
- Barbara and Julie have
been getting along great.
- Sure, every since they
stopped living together.
Fold this.
- Hello, all.
- Hi everybody.
Hope Annie's been good.
- Oh, she's been
an angel, right Alex?
- An angel.
- So, did you girls
have fun shopping?
- Oh yeah, I bought
a new nightgown.
Julie got an apron.
- Well, whatever turns you on.
- Don't knock it until
you've seen it from the back.
- So, what have
you guys been up to?
- Oh, not much.
- Come on, Alex.
I'm gonna treat
you to a root beer.
I want to get out of here
before the fireworks start.
- Schneider...
- I want to remember you
the way you are right now.
Happily married.
(hisses)
- [Barbara] You did what?
- [Julie] You guys
are out of your minds.
- Before you consider
marriage, think about the navy.
- You mean to say that
you rented a whole house
and you didn't even tell us?
- A whole house?
- Oh honey, it's
got two bedrooms,
a bath and a half...
- [Julie] Who gets the half?
- Where is it?
- Next to the lumber yard.
- The bathroom?
- The house.
- I thought on all
major decisions,
we were supposed
to consult each other.
- Why don't you just look at it?
See if you even like it.
- But wait, what kind of
house is it, what style?
- Style?
Doc, what style is it?
- I don't know, it's a house.
- Well, what's it called?
- I don't know,
I'd call it Albert.
- Doesn't look like
an Albert to me.
- Marvin?
- Guys.
- Why don't you
just go look at it?
- Mom, please stay out of this.
- Are you telling
me that we're stuck
with a house named
Albert with a bathroom
in a lumber yard?
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Ever since we've been married,
you've been busting my
chops about getting a house.
- You see, what happened was...
- Why don't you just go look...
- Mom, please.
- If I could participate
in this discussion...
- Wait a second, pal.
Let's just forget the
whole thing, it's not worth it.
So we blow our 800 bucks.
- [Barbara & Julie] 800 dollars?
- And you've got me on
a 10 dollar shopping limit?
- [Barbara] 800
dollars for rent?
- Well, it's our
first month's rent
and last month's rent
and we split that in half.
- You see, what the...
- Oh Mark, shut up.
- Why don't you just
go look at the place?
- Mom, how can Mark
and I just move out
and leave you alone?
- Look at it.
Please.
- Now, no peeking.
- [Barbara] You're being
very romantic about this.
- Yeah, must be a dump.
- Don't look, we'll
be right back.
- [Mark] Ready?
- [Mark & Max] One,
two, three, heave!
- All right don't look, I'm
just gonna close the door.
- All right, no peeking.
- Okay.
- No peeking.
All right one, two,
three, open them.
Well?
- I love it, I just love it.
- [Mark] That's great,
I knew you would.
- Wait a minute.
South Dakota hasn't
been heard from yet.
- Well.
I hate to be
agreeable, but I love it.
It's fantastic.
- Hey!
Love it.
Annie?
- This is really rotten.
- What do you mean?
- You've got a
fireplace and I don't.
- You can use it if you
bring your own firewood.
- It's wonderful.
- Stairs, I've always
wanted stairs.
- You want to see the bedrooms?
- Sure.
- We'll be back
in a couple hours.
- Come on, I'll show
you the kitchen.
- Oh sure, you take
me to the kitchen.
Isn't life strange?
The four of us living together.
- Mom, did you see the den?
- I did, it's very nice.
- Yeah, it's a perfect
place for me to write in.
Want to see the backyard?
- Oh yeah.
- Okay.
- You know, this
wallpaper's really nice.
Those curtains are gross
though, they got to go.
- Mom?
Look, our first weed.
- I'm very happy for you.
- Oh come on, I want
to show you the den.
Perfect place for
my T-shirt business.
- Honey, I don't really
like this wallpaper.
The curtains are okay though.
We can keep those.
- Yeah, I like those.
- Barbara, darling.
Before you get too
excited, there's something
I really think you should
be considering here.
- What?
- Well, you and
Julie... (doorbell rings)
- Our first guest.
(laughs)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, it's you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's us.
- I was expecting
the welcome wagon.
- Mom, I just love this place.
What do you really think of it?
- What I really think
is you are so thrilled
with the house, you're
ignoring the obvious problem.
- Okay okay okay.
I promise, I won't
fool around with Julie.
- Have you just
thought about the fact
that you are Julie
and you are Barbara?
- Well yes, mother,
I've suspected that...
- No, no, no, no, no.
I'm really trying
to think positively
about this whole thing.
But I think you ought
to stop for a second
and consider whether you
really want to live together.
Grandpa didn't call you
oil and water for nothing.
- Oh Mom, come
on, give us a break.
We're not kids anymore.
We're old, married women.
- Yeah and she's my sister, Mom.
I love her.
- And I love her.
- Sure, we're gonna
have disagreements,
but we're mature now.
We can just work it out.
- That's right.
- Annie, you got to
let them go sometime.
- All right listen, you guys.
Let's make some
decisions here, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, fine.
- All right now, who
gets the big bedroom?
- We do.
- We do.
- No wait, what
makes you guys think
that you should get
the biggest bedroom?
- What makes you
think you should?
Mark found the house.
- Well, I'm the oldest sister.
I've always been in charge.
- Wait wait wait, hold
on a second there.
I am in charge.
- Wait a second.
Mark, are you gonna let
him get away with that?
You're bigger than he is.
Stick up for your rights.
- Honey, might
does not make right.
- Might, this is might?
- Max, don't hurt him.
- Hurt me?
With what, his beard?
- Really.
- Wait a second,
this is really stupid.
Why don't we just take a vote?
Winner gets the big bedroom.
- Okay.
- Okay, we win three to two.
- Three?
- Sure, the baby gets a vote.
- Only if she pays
a fifth of the rent.
(scattered yelling)
- As one of your wise
husband's just said,
it's time to let you two go.
Bye, have a nice fight.
It's really not my
place to say anything.
- Well, never
bothered you before.
- Thank you.
You see, I am a grandmother now.
I have a new role.
So I'm gonna go home and
start spoiling my grandchild.
Goodbye.
Good luck.
You're gonna need it.
- I know what the problem is.
When we were younger,
Mom was around
as an authority figure.
Now there's nobody
to take charge.
- Oh, yes there is.
- Yeah, we'll take charge here.
- Yeah, now.
Here's how we're gonna
figure out the bedroom problem.
We're gonna flip for it.
- No, we're not
gonna flip for it.
- What's the matter
with flipping a coin?
- Nothing, if you want
to start a football game.
But who gets the largest
bedroom should be,
it should be a matter of logic.
- Right.
- Who needs it most?
- We do, we have the baby.
- Okay, you got it.
- Okay.
- Hey Mark, that was
very generous of you.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Yeah well, what do you say
we go unpack and move in?
- Love it.
Let me get my jacket.
Bye everyone, thanks
for the bedroom.
- Bye.
- See you later.
- Come on honey, let's go.
- Hold it, Mr. Generosity.
- Honey, it's gonna be
tough enough living with them
if we don't learn to compromise.
- Some compromise.
You give and they take.
- Honey, you're not thinking.
Now they'll have to
give us the garage,
and I won't have to
wash my truck as often.
- Honey, I'm so proud of you.
You know, I bet they
don't even realize
that we're sticking them
with the big bedroom
and we're gonna
get a clean truck.
- Do I detect a note of
sarcasm in your voice?
- Whose side are you on?
- I'd like to think I'm
on the side of logic.
- I'd like to think
you're on my side.
- Oh, so never
mind common sense.
Just be on your side,
right or wrong, right?
- Right.
- Wrong.
- Mark, what is wrong with that?
I am your wife, not a
problem in geometry.
What happened to
your heart, your feelings?
I'd like to think
that you're gonna
stand up for me, no matter what.
When the cavemen wanted a cave,
they didn't sit
around and discuss it.
They just whacked somebody
over the head and took it.
- Does that mean I can't park
my dinosaur in the garage?
- Mark, it's not you or
logic or big bedrooms.
It's Julie.
I think Mom's right.
I want to live in
this house so badly,
but I forgot I'd be
living with my sister.
I don't want to
end up hating her.
- Oh honey, you've
always had fights.
But you've always made up.
- I'm afraid one day we won't.
- Will you quit being
such a worrywart?
Everyone wants this to work out,
so we're all going to try
very hard to make it happen.
All it takes is four people
being good to each other.
And never underestimate
the power of a smile,
a cheerful greeting,
and clean breath.
I learned that in dental school.
(laughs)
- You know, if Mom
could just see us now,
she'd eat her words.
- Yeah I mean, here
we are, living together
and enjoying ourselves.
She just wouldn't believe it.
(laughs)
- Julie, your
chili's pretty good.
It's delicious.
- Thanks, sis.
- Don't you think
it could take just a
dash more hot sauce though?
I mean, you're a
really good cook,
but just a little?
- Well sure, if you want
to put a little more in,
go right ahead.
- Thanks.
I mean, I know I don't
have your gourmet palette.
- Oh Barb, that garlic
bread smells great.
Thanks for making it.
- Oh my pleasure.
I mean after all, you
did help me set the table.
- But you helped
me fold the sheets.
(laughs)
- Well, now we're all ready
to have our tummy tickled
and go to beddy.
- Mark, we haven't
even had dinner yet.
- Mark, thank you
for feeding Annie.
I really appreciate it.
- Oh, that's all right.
Max is out doing the shopping.
- Anyway, Mark loves
to take care of little Annie.
- No, I don't.
- Hi everybody.
- Hi, honey.
- Did you have a nice day?
Barbara, I got
you that night light
for the bathroom you wanted.
- Oh thank you.
- Hey, you want a beer?
- Yeah, I'd love one.
- Good.
- You're kidding.
You still need a night light?
- No, sister dear, I do
not still need a night light,
but if you see, if I want
to go to the bathroom
in the middle of the night,
I do not turn on the big
light and wake everyone up.
Which is all just
fine except last night,
I found myself almost
sitting in your husband's lap.
(laughing)
- So funny, she...
- Don't you have
a sense of humor?
- Yes, I do have
a sense of humor.
- Then dust it off.
(laughing)
- So you sat in his lap, huh?
- Almost.
- Oh no, she really didn't.
- [Mark] Great.
- So, did you guys
have a nice day?
- So nice I could throw up.
- Easier than growing up.
- Growing up?
You call nice-ing each
other to death growing up?
Sure, it was nice when
we did the laundry together.
It was nice when I
drove you to school.
Oh, it was very nice
when you bought
that shower curtain that
makes me want to barf.
- Nice, you want nice?
Okay, nice is in the
restaurant pretending
I agreed with you while
you chewed out the cook
and the waitress and the
congress of the United States
just because they put too
much butter on your toast.
- Well Barbara, I
ordered it lightly buttered
and when you order
something lightly buttered,
you expect to get
it lightly buttered.
When are you gonna
learn that your wimpy ways
are not gonna get you
what you want in this life?
- Wimpy?
- Yes.
- You think I'm wimpy?
- Yes.
- I'm not wimpy.
Your chili stinks.
- Good, maybe she
got it right this time.
- Max, shut up.
- Now, about this late show
in the bathroom.
- Mark, damn it.
- Listen Barbara, I
just want to tell you
that I'm sick...
- Oh, don't point
your finger at me.
I hate it and you
know I hate it, Julie.
- You bet I know you hate it.
(crying)
- Oh, now look
what you guys did.
Okay, okay, it's okay.
You two are gonna
have to learn to get along.
I don't understand
why you can't.
Now listen, I want you
to go out in the living room
and solve your problems.
And don't come back
until you've grown up.
- I was gonna say that.
- You are both
living dangerously.
- Boy, I'll tell you.
They're gonna blow a
really good setup here.
- You know, the solution
to this problem is so simple.
And it's so easily
achieved by all of us.
It's just a matter of simple
compromise and logic.
Logic and compromise.
- You are so boring.
- Okay wimp, let's have it out.
- Wimp?
- Barbara.
- Please, I'm just
gonna stir the fire.
It's cold in here.
- Oh wonderful,
that's just wonderful.
I come in here to
discuss a serious problem
and you're standing
there warming your buns.
That's your problem, Barbara.
You keep everything
bottled up inside.
You have no emotions.
- If you call emotions
ranting and raving
and screaming and turning
purple, then you're right.
I have no emotions.
- I call emotions thinking
and caring and feeling,
not just standing
there looking like
everyone's little darling
without a thought in your head.
- Watch it, Julie.
- That's your problem, Barbara.
You have no depth.
You think that just
because some accidental
arrangement of genes
gave you a button nose
that the world is
gonna bend over and
kiss your pretty feet.
Well, I'm not.
- Oh, oh good.
That's it, that's Julie.
Just say the last word and run.
- All right kid,
you want to fight?
- Yeah.
- All right.
You're gonna get it.
- Okay.
- Look out, here I come.
(doorbell rings)
- [Barbara] Who is it?
- Open the damn door.
- You and your big mouth.
Now we're stuck making dinner.
- My big mouth?
Whose idea was it to
move into this commune?
- Listen, anytime
you want to move out,
just say you want to move out.
- I want to move out.
- Forget it.
- You just said I
could move out.
- No, I didn't say
you could move out.
I said you could say
you wanted to move out.
And you said it.
You feel better?
- You know what I
like about you best?
- [Mark] What?
- Your rye sense of stupidity.
Just dice the carrots, okay?
- Yeah yeah yeah.
All right, all right.
(slams door)
- All right kid, you want
the last word, it's yours.
Go ahead, spit it out.
- Okay Julie, I will, okay?
The last word.
I love you.
- I love you?
What kind of last word is that?
- Seven, eight, nine, 10.
Julie Horvath.
I want you to get
something straight, okay?
Despite being
everyone's little darling,
I am a good wife, a hard
worker, an excellent manager,
and a dedicated student.
In short, one hell of a person.
Until I get around you.
You dominate me, you take over.
You, you get your way
by being aggressive,
but I have to rely
on my talents.
- Talents, really.
I hadn't even noticed.
Oh Barbara, come on.
When are you gonna
learn that there are
assertive ways of
getting what you want
and then there are
sneaky, underhanded ways?
Like when we were
kids and we used to
agree not to clean up
our room before school.
The moment my back
was turned, you'd sneak in
and clean up your half.
- You're never gonna
forget that, are you?
- How can I?
I still have one ear
longer than the other
from being hauled in
there by Mom to look at it.
- Julie, I was trying
to tell you something
very important and
you just switched it
right back over to your big ear,
which you are
obviously not using.
- Well, it's better
than a big mouth,
which you obviously are using.
- I am trying to tell you
that you intimidate me.
You make me feel inadequate.
- I make you feel inadequate?
- Yes.
- Barbara, that is ridiculous.
I would give anything
to have your personality.
People just naturally like you.
I remember Sundays at
Grandma and Grandpa's.
When we'd leave,
they'd hug and kiss you
and hug and search me.
- Once, when you
stole Grandpa's cigar.
You know, I still
haven't tried a cigar.
You did more by the time
you were eight than I have yet.
- Oil and water.
- Yeah.
I suppose it would be
easier if we would just
try to accept each other.
- You mean like, appreciation
instead of jealousy?
- Mmhmm.
I have to admit, I kind
of admired the way
you got the toast the
way you wanted it today.
- Yeah, I kind of
admired the way
you kept the manager from
throwing us out of that place.
You know, a lot of girls
don't even have sisters.
Well, husbands are okay,
but sisters are real family.
You know what I mean.
- Even when they fight.
- Right.
Well.
We're here.
We may as well do
our best to get along.
- Oh, it's not gonna be easy.
- Oh, tell me about it.
Well, look at it this way.
A husband, you can divorce.
But a sister, you'd
have to murder.
- [Barbara] Don't tempt me.
(scattered yelling)
- You know what this jerk did?
He left the garlic bread
in the oven so long,
it caught on fire.
- Thank you, mister
cool head in a crisis.
You know how
he put out the fire?
He poured the chili
on the garlic bread.
- I'll tell you something.
This wouldn't have
happened if you women
were in the kitchen.
- Where you belong.
- Did he just say
in the kitchen?
- Where we belong?
(laughs)
- Say something.
- I think we may have
overstated our case.
- Say something I don't know.
- Why don't you say, sweetheart,
why don't we get a babysitter
and go out to dinner?
- I was gonna say that.
(laughs)
- That's a great idea.
Where do you want to go?
- I don't know, why
don't we go to barbecue?
- That's a great idea.
- No, I hate barbecue.
- Oh come on.
- No, Chinese food.
- No honey, not Chinese food.
- We have Chinese food
all the time.
- No we don't.
(scattered yelling)
(upbeat music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- This should really
rent for much more,
but I'm in a hurry
to join my husband.
He's been
transferred to Seattle.
- Well thank you, may we
look around some more?
- Help yourself.
- Thank you.
- Come on Doc, we got
10 minutes until we tee off.
- All right, we're
gonna get there.
- I don't know what
we're doing here anyway.
- I just want to look
around the place.
Oh boy.
Wouldn't Barbara and
I love a house like this?
A den, the piano, the fireplace.
No mother in law.
- I know what you mean,
she's my mother in law too.
- Yeah, boy.
Don't get me wrong.
I mean, I love Ann.
- Me too.
- Max, let me ask you something.
When you were living
there, did she talk a lot?
- Constantly.
Her favorite line
was, now I know it's
none of my business, but.
- None of my business, but.
- Yeah, that's Ann.
- Yeah.
- Well listen, why don't
we get out of here?
You can't afford this place.
- Did you see the yard?
- [Mark] Oh sure, that
yard would be great for
the baby, wouldn't it?
- Oh yeah.
And this den I was
looking at, boy oh boy.
Would this be great
for me to write in.
I'll tell you, this
place sure beats
that dump Julie
and I live in now.
- Yeah.
Well, come on let's go,
you can't afford it either.
- You know, we could afford it.
- What do we do with the wives?
- Keep them, they
earn most of the money.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Are you suggesting
that the four of us
move in here together?
- Well, I never
really thought about it
until I just mentioned it.
- Well you know,
it's not a bad idea.
- Yeah.
The four of us could
certainly afford it
if we split the
rent, and we'd have
a whole house to ourselves.
- Oh boy, our own yard, our
own dishes, our own kitchen.
And no Schneider.
I mean, not that I
don't love Schneider.
- You don't have
to explain it to me.
- Everybody loves
Schneider, ask him.
I think we'd better talk
it over with the girls first.
- I think you got a good point.
Yeah, come on.
- I mean, this
really is a steal.
I think we'd better
lock it up today.
- Did you see the way they
cleaned up the bathtub?
You'd never know there'd
even been a murder.
We'll take it.
- Oh well, I was thinking
more of renting to a couple.
- Oh, we're married.
(crying)
- Quiet, little Annie.
I'll be right there,
I'll be right there.
It's too hot, do
you want it hot?
I'll give it to you
hot if you want it hot.
- What is all the
screaming, all the crying?
I got tenants in this building
that can't hear
themselves fight.
- Well Julie steps
out and the second,
the second the door shuts,
little Annie starts to cry.
- [Dwayne] Did you burp her?
- Yeah, I burped her.
Do you know what
it feels like to have
warm, sour milk
running down your back?
Now I think she's hungry again.
I don't know, Schneider.
Nothing seems to please her.
- Yeah well, be
glad she's crying.
A woman stops crying, she
goes out and buys something.
Here, I'll feed her, I'm
pretty good with kids.
- All right careful, it
might be a little too hot.
Listen, why don't
I go feed the kid
and I'll sing to her
while this cools.
- Yeah, go ahead.
♪ Rockabye baby
I'll rockabye your baby.
- Hey, Schneider.
How you doing?
What's up?
Is the caramel good?
- Hey, biggest guy.
- Hey there.
- Hey, we've got some big news.
- You do, what?
- Are you ready?
We rented a house.
- You rented a house.
Oh, I think
that's just terrific.
That's wonderful, you and
Barbara are moving out.
Not that I don't love
having you here.
- What are you talking
about, you're renting a house?
You can't afford a house.
- Well, they're gonna
share it with me and Julie.
- Wait a minute, did
the girls agree to that?
- Well, we haven't
told them yet.
- Whoa.
El mistako mal grande.
- By sharing the house,
we're gonna be able to afford it,
and it's big
enough for all of us.
- Right.
You rented a house without
telling Barbara or Julie.
- Oh boy.
You don't hear
about Charles and Di
moving in with Philip
and Elizabeth, do you?
- Come on you two, would
you give us some credit?
We know our wives.
- You should've told them.
The only two things a man
never tells his wife about
is his mistress
and his Maserati.
- Look, economically,
I think you made
a very logical move.
- Thank you.
- Where you were
stupid is in thinking
that the two sisters
would want to live together.
- Hi.
The baby's asleep.
- Oh thanks, Alex.
- Barbara and Julie have
been getting along great.
- Sure, every since they
stopped living together.
Fold this.
- Hello, all.
- Hi everybody.
Hope Annie's been good.
- Oh, she's been
an angel, right Alex?
- An angel.
- So, did you girls
have fun shopping?
- Oh yeah, I bought
a new nightgown.
Julie got an apron.
- Well, whatever turns you on.
- Don't knock it until
you've seen it from the back.
- So, what have
you guys been up to?
- Oh, not much.
- Come on, Alex.
I'm gonna treat
you to a root beer.
I want to get out of here
before the fireworks start.
- Schneider...
- I want to remember you
the way you are right now.
Happily married.
(hisses)
- [Barbara] You did what?
- [Julie] You guys
are out of your minds.
- Before you consider
marriage, think about the navy.
- You mean to say that
you rented a whole house
and you didn't even tell us?
- A whole house?
- Oh honey, it's
got two bedrooms,
a bath and a half...
- [Julie] Who gets the half?
- Where is it?
- Next to the lumber yard.
- The bathroom?
- The house.
- I thought on all
major decisions,
we were supposed
to consult each other.
- Why don't you just look at it?
See if you even like it.
- But wait, what kind of
house is it, what style?
- Style?
Doc, what style is it?
- I don't know, it's a house.
- Well, what's it called?
- I don't know,
I'd call it Albert.
- Doesn't look like
an Albert to me.
- Marvin?
- Guys.
- Why don't you
just go look at it?
- Mom, please stay out of this.
- Are you telling
me that we're stuck
with a house named
Albert with a bathroom
in a lumber yard?
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Ever since we've been married,
you've been busting my
chops about getting a house.
- You see, what happened was...
- Why don't you just go look...
- Mom, please.
- If I could participate
in this discussion...
- Wait a second, pal.
Let's just forget the
whole thing, it's not worth it.
So we blow our 800 bucks.
- [Barbara & Julie] 800 dollars?
- And you've got me on
a 10 dollar shopping limit?
- [Barbara] 800
dollars for rent?
- Well, it's our
first month's rent
and last month's rent
and we split that in half.
- You see, what the...
- Oh Mark, shut up.
- Why don't you just
go look at the place?
- Mom, how can Mark
and I just move out
and leave you alone?
- Look at it.
Please.
- Now, no peeking.
- [Barbara] You're being
very romantic about this.
- Yeah, must be a dump.
- Don't look, we'll
be right back.
- [Mark] Ready?
- [Mark & Max] One,
two, three, heave!
- All right don't look, I'm
just gonna close the door.
- All right, no peeking.
- Okay.
- No peeking.
All right one, two,
three, open them.
Well?
- I love it, I just love it.
- [Mark] That's great,
I knew you would.
- Wait a minute.
South Dakota hasn't
been heard from yet.
- Well.
I hate to be
agreeable, but I love it.
It's fantastic.
- Hey!
Love it.
Annie?
- This is really rotten.
- What do you mean?
- You've got a
fireplace and I don't.
- You can use it if you
bring your own firewood.
- It's wonderful.
- Stairs, I've always
wanted stairs.
- You want to see the bedrooms?
- Sure.
- We'll be back
in a couple hours.
- Come on, I'll show
you the kitchen.
- Oh sure, you take
me to the kitchen.
Isn't life strange?
The four of us living together.
- Mom, did you see the den?
- I did, it's very nice.
- Yeah, it's a perfect
place for me to write in.
Want to see the backyard?
- Oh yeah.
- Okay.
- You know, this
wallpaper's really nice.
Those curtains are gross
though, they got to go.
- Mom?
Look, our first weed.
- I'm very happy for you.
- Oh come on, I want
to show you the den.
Perfect place for
my T-shirt business.
- Honey, I don't really
like this wallpaper.
The curtains are okay though.
We can keep those.
- Yeah, I like those.
- Barbara, darling.
Before you get too
excited, there's something
I really think you should
be considering here.
- What?
- Well, you and
Julie... (doorbell rings)
- Our first guest.
(laughs)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, it's you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's us.
- I was expecting
the welcome wagon.
- Mom, I just love this place.
What do you really think of it?
- What I really think
is you are so thrilled
with the house, you're
ignoring the obvious problem.
- Okay okay okay.
I promise, I won't
fool around with Julie.
- Have you just
thought about the fact
that you are Julie
and you are Barbara?
- Well yes, mother,
I've suspected that...
- No, no, no, no, no.
I'm really trying
to think positively
about this whole thing.
But I think you ought
to stop for a second
and consider whether you
really want to live together.
Grandpa didn't call you
oil and water for nothing.
- Oh Mom, come
on, give us a break.
We're not kids anymore.
We're old, married women.
- Yeah and she's my sister, Mom.
I love her.
- And I love her.
- Sure, we're gonna
have disagreements,
but we're mature now.
We can just work it out.
- That's right.
- Annie, you got to
let them go sometime.
- All right listen, you guys.
Let's make some
decisions here, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, fine.
- All right now, who
gets the big bedroom?
- We do.
- We do.
- No wait, what
makes you guys think
that you should get
the biggest bedroom?
- What makes you
think you should?
Mark found the house.
- Well, I'm the oldest sister.
I've always been in charge.
- Wait wait wait, hold
on a second there.
I am in charge.
- Wait a second.
Mark, are you gonna let
him get away with that?
You're bigger than he is.
Stick up for your rights.
- Honey, might
does not make right.
- Might, this is might?
- Max, don't hurt him.
- Hurt me?
With what, his beard?
- Really.
- Wait a second,
this is really stupid.
Why don't we just take a vote?
Winner gets the big bedroom.
- Okay.
- Okay, we win three to two.
- Three?
- Sure, the baby gets a vote.
- Only if she pays
a fifth of the rent.
(scattered yelling)
- As one of your wise
husband's just said,
it's time to let you two go.
Bye, have a nice fight.
It's really not my
place to say anything.
- Well, never
bothered you before.
- Thank you.
You see, I am a grandmother now.
I have a new role.
So I'm gonna go home and
start spoiling my grandchild.
Goodbye.
Good luck.
You're gonna need it.
- I know what the problem is.
When we were younger,
Mom was around
as an authority figure.
Now there's nobody
to take charge.
- Oh, yes there is.
- Yeah, we'll take charge here.
- Yeah, now.
Here's how we're gonna
figure out the bedroom problem.
We're gonna flip for it.
- No, we're not
gonna flip for it.
- What's the matter
with flipping a coin?
- Nothing, if you want
to start a football game.
But who gets the largest
bedroom should be,
it should be a matter of logic.
- Right.
- Who needs it most?
- We do, we have the baby.
- Okay, you got it.
- Okay.
- Hey Mark, that was
very generous of you.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Yeah well, what do you say
we go unpack and move in?
- Love it.
Let me get my jacket.
Bye everyone, thanks
for the bedroom.
- Bye.
- See you later.
- Come on honey, let's go.
- Hold it, Mr. Generosity.
- Honey, it's gonna be
tough enough living with them
if we don't learn to compromise.
- Some compromise.
You give and they take.
- Honey, you're not thinking.
Now they'll have to
give us the garage,
and I won't have to
wash my truck as often.
- Honey, I'm so proud of you.
You know, I bet they
don't even realize
that we're sticking them
with the big bedroom
and we're gonna
get a clean truck.
- Do I detect a note of
sarcasm in your voice?
- Whose side are you on?
- I'd like to think I'm
on the side of logic.
- I'd like to think
you're on my side.
- Oh, so never
mind common sense.
Just be on your side,
right or wrong, right?
- Right.
- Wrong.
- Mark, what is wrong with that?
I am your wife, not a
problem in geometry.
What happened to
your heart, your feelings?
I'd like to think
that you're gonna
stand up for me, no matter what.
When the cavemen wanted a cave,
they didn't sit
around and discuss it.
They just whacked somebody
over the head and took it.
- Does that mean I can't park
my dinosaur in the garage?
- Mark, it's not you or
logic or big bedrooms.
It's Julie.
I think Mom's right.
I want to live in
this house so badly,
but I forgot I'd be
living with my sister.
I don't want to
end up hating her.
- Oh honey, you've
always had fights.
But you've always made up.
- I'm afraid one day we won't.
- Will you quit being
such a worrywart?
Everyone wants this to work out,
so we're all going to try
very hard to make it happen.
All it takes is four people
being good to each other.
And never underestimate
the power of a smile,
a cheerful greeting,
and clean breath.
I learned that in dental school.
(laughs)
- You know, if Mom
could just see us now,
she'd eat her words.
- Yeah I mean, here
we are, living together
and enjoying ourselves.
She just wouldn't believe it.
(laughs)
- Julie, your
chili's pretty good.
It's delicious.
- Thanks, sis.
- Don't you think
it could take just a
dash more hot sauce though?
I mean, you're a
really good cook,
but just a little?
- Well sure, if you want
to put a little more in,
go right ahead.
- Thanks.
I mean, I know I don't
have your gourmet palette.
- Oh Barb, that garlic
bread smells great.
Thanks for making it.
- Oh my pleasure.
I mean after all, you
did help me set the table.
- But you helped
me fold the sheets.
(laughs)
- Well, now we're all ready
to have our tummy tickled
and go to beddy.
- Mark, we haven't
even had dinner yet.
- Mark, thank you
for feeding Annie.
I really appreciate it.
- Oh, that's all right.
Max is out doing the shopping.
- Anyway, Mark loves
to take care of little Annie.
- No, I don't.
- Hi everybody.
- Hi, honey.
- Did you have a nice day?
Barbara, I got
you that night light
for the bathroom you wanted.
- Oh thank you.
- Hey, you want a beer?
- Yeah, I'd love one.
- Good.
- You're kidding.
You still need a night light?
- No, sister dear, I do
not still need a night light,
but if you see, if I want
to go to the bathroom
in the middle of the night,
I do not turn on the big
light and wake everyone up.
Which is all just
fine except last night,
I found myself almost
sitting in your husband's lap.
(laughing)
- So funny, she...
- Don't you have
a sense of humor?
- Yes, I do have
a sense of humor.
- Then dust it off.
(laughing)
- So you sat in his lap, huh?
- Almost.
- Oh no, she really didn't.
- [Mark] Great.
- So, did you guys
have a nice day?
- So nice I could throw up.
- Easier than growing up.
- Growing up?
You call nice-ing each
other to death growing up?
Sure, it was nice when
we did the laundry together.
It was nice when I
drove you to school.
Oh, it was very nice
when you bought
that shower curtain that
makes me want to barf.
- Nice, you want nice?
Okay, nice is in the
restaurant pretending
I agreed with you while
you chewed out the cook
and the waitress and the
congress of the United States
just because they put too
much butter on your toast.
- Well Barbara, I
ordered it lightly buttered
and when you order
something lightly buttered,
you expect to get
it lightly buttered.
When are you gonna
learn that your wimpy ways
are not gonna get you
what you want in this life?
- Wimpy?
- Yes.
- You think I'm wimpy?
- Yes.
- I'm not wimpy.
Your chili stinks.
- Good, maybe she
got it right this time.
- Max, shut up.
- Now, about this late show
in the bathroom.
- Mark, damn it.
- Listen Barbara, I
just want to tell you
that I'm sick...
- Oh, don't point
your finger at me.
I hate it and you
know I hate it, Julie.
- You bet I know you hate it.
(crying)
- Oh, now look
what you guys did.
Okay, okay, it's okay.
You two are gonna
have to learn to get along.
I don't understand
why you can't.
Now listen, I want you
to go out in the living room
and solve your problems.
And don't come back
until you've grown up.
- I was gonna say that.
- You are both
living dangerously.
- Boy, I'll tell you.
They're gonna blow a
really good setup here.
- You know, the solution
to this problem is so simple.
And it's so easily
achieved by all of us.
It's just a matter of simple
compromise and logic.
Logic and compromise.
- You are so boring.
- Okay wimp, let's have it out.
- Wimp?
- Barbara.
- Please, I'm just
gonna stir the fire.
It's cold in here.
- Oh wonderful,
that's just wonderful.
I come in here to
discuss a serious problem
and you're standing
there warming your buns.
That's your problem, Barbara.
You keep everything
bottled up inside.
You have no emotions.
- If you call emotions
ranting and raving
and screaming and turning
purple, then you're right.
I have no emotions.
- I call emotions thinking
and caring and feeling,
not just standing
there looking like
everyone's little darling
without a thought in your head.
- Watch it, Julie.
- That's your problem, Barbara.
You have no depth.
You think that just
because some accidental
arrangement of genes
gave you a button nose
that the world is
gonna bend over and
kiss your pretty feet.
Well, I'm not.
- Oh, oh good.
That's it, that's Julie.
Just say the last word and run.
- All right kid,
you want to fight?
- Yeah.
- All right.
You're gonna get it.
- Okay.
- Look out, here I come.
(doorbell rings)
- [Barbara] Who is it?
- Open the damn door.
- You and your big mouth.
Now we're stuck making dinner.
- My big mouth?
Whose idea was it to
move into this commune?
- Listen, anytime
you want to move out,
just say you want to move out.
- I want to move out.
- Forget it.
- You just said I
could move out.
- No, I didn't say
you could move out.
I said you could say
you wanted to move out.
And you said it.
You feel better?
- You know what I
like about you best?
- [Mark] What?
- Your rye sense of stupidity.
Just dice the carrots, okay?
- Yeah yeah yeah.
All right, all right.
(slams door)
- All right kid, you want
the last word, it's yours.
Go ahead, spit it out.
- Okay Julie, I will, okay?
The last word.
I love you.
- I love you?
What kind of last word is that?
- Seven, eight, nine, 10.
Julie Horvath.
I want you to get
something straight, okay?
Despite being
everyone's little darling,
I am a good wife, a hard
worker, an excellent manager,
and a dedicated student.
In short, one hell of a person.
Until I get around you.
You dominate me, you take over.
You, you get your way
by being aggressive,
but I have to rely
on my talents.
- Talents, really.
I hadn't even noticed.
Oh Barbara, come on.
When are you gonna
learn that there are
assertive ways of
getting what you want
and then there are
sneaky, underhanded ways?
Like when we were
kids and we used to
agree not to clean up
our room before school.
The moment my back
was turned, you'd sneak in
and clean up your half.
- You're never gonna
forget that, are you?
- How can I?
I still have one ear
longer than the other
from being hauled in
there by Mom to look at it.
- Julie, I was trying
to tell you something
very important and
you just switched it
right back over to your big ear,
which you are
obviously not using.
- Well, it's better
than a big mouth,
which you obviously are using.
- I am trying to tell you
that you intimidate me.
You make me feel inadequate.
- I make you feel inadequate?
- Yes.
- Barbara, that is ridiculous.
I would give anything
to have your personality.
People just naturally like you.
I remember Sundays at
Grandma and Grandpa's.
When we'd leave,
they'd hug and kiss you
and hug and search me.
- Once, when you
stole Grandpa's cigar.
You know, I still
haven't tried a cigar.
You did more by the time
you were eight than I have yet.
- Oil and water.
- Yeah.
I suppose it would be
easier if we would just
try to accept each other.
- You mean like, appreciation
instead of jealousy?
- Mmhmm.
I have to admit, I kind
of admired the way
you got the toast the
way you wanted it today.
- Yeah, I kind of
admired the way
you kept the manager from
throwing us out of that place.
You know, a lot of girls
don't even have sisters.
Well, husbands are okay,
but sisters are real family.
You know what I mean.
- Even when they fight.
- Right.
Well.
We're here.
We may as well do
our best to get along.
- Oh, it's not gonna be easy.
- Oh, tell me about it.
Well, look at it this way.
A husband, you can divorce.
But a sister, you'd
have to murder.
- [Barbara] Don't tempt me.
(scattered yelling)
- You know what this jerk did?
He left the garlic bread
in the oven so long,
it caught on fire.
- Thank you, mister
cool head in a crisis.
You know how
he put out the fire?
He poured the chili
on the garlic bread.
- I'll tell you something.
This wouldn't have
happened if you women
were in the kitchen.
- Where you belong.
- Did he just say
in the kitchen?
- Where we belong?
(laughs)
- Say something.
- I think we may have
overstated our case.
- Say something I don't know.
- Why don't you say, sweetheart,
why don't we get a babysitter
and go out to dinner?
- I was gonna say that.
(laughs)
- That's a great idea.
Where do you want to go?
- I don't know, why
don't we go to barbecue?
- That's a great idea.
- No, I hate barbecue.
- Oh come on.
- No, Chinese food.
- No honey, not Chinese food.
- We have Chinese food
all the time.
- No we don't.
(scattered yelling)
(upbeat music)