One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 23 - Panzini - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

(heavy sigh)

- Mm.

- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Barbara, where are the napkins?

- [Barbara] On the table.

- No, they're not on the table.

These are pink, I wanted blue.

- Thanks.

Why are you having
the meeting here?

Why not at the office?

- Mom, the blue
napkins got jammed

in the back of the drawer.

They look like someone's
cheap accordion.

Are you afraid pink
will offend Mr. Zambini?

- It's Panzini, and
no, no, pink are fine.

Thank you, sweetheart, really.

- Just a matter of timing, Mark.

- Timing.

- Just timing.

Everything in this world
is a matter of timing,

as the guy said
looking at his watch.

- Schneider, Francine and
I have a business meeting

here in a little while,
so if you wouldn't mind...

- Why are you having
the meeting here?

Why not at the office?

- Oh, 'cause the office
is being redecorated.

It's being painted.

- Oh.

- So, Francine is coming here?

- Yes, goodbye, Schneider.

- Mark.

- [Mark] Yeah?

- Did you hear that?

- [Mark] What?

- Remember what I
was saying about timing?

Francine is coming here,
this could be the culmination

of my entire campaign.

- What campaign?

- Well you see, Francine and I

have this little
thing, you know,

it's been going on for
a couple of months,

mostly eye-grabbing, you know.

I look at her and I
give her this look here.

Which means que pasa, baby.

And then she
looks at me like this.

Which means, maybe
manana, el hunko.

(audience laughing)

- Typical mid-west dialogue.

- I am telling you, Mark,
with each passing week

Francine and I are moving
closer and closer to T-Day.

- Okay, what's T-Day?

- Touchdown.

- I don't think he's
talking about football.

- No.
- No.

- Uh-oh, I bet that's her.

Mind if we watch the kickoff?

Hi, Francine.

- Hi, Mark.

Hello, Schneider.

Hello, Alex.

- Hiya, Francine.

Sorry I'm looking all
bare-armed and manly like this.

Mark and I were just working

on this pickup truck downstairs.

Well, naturally downstairs.

You can't work on a pickup
truck over the kitchen sink.

(embarrassed chuckle)

So, big meeting today, huh?

- Oh yes, busy, busy, busy.

- Yeah.

You know, Francine, you and
I have never sat down quietly

and just had a nice talk
and got to know one another

in all the years that
our ships have passed.

I mean, we don't even
know how deep is our ocean.

- No, we don't.

- You like seafood?

- Uh, yes, yes I do.

- Okay.

It's a date, after your
business meeting here,

you and I, we have lunch.

What do you say?

- Oh...
- Good morning.

- Oh, hi.
- Francine, what do you think,

croissant and coffee
while we talk to him?

- Oh yes, I think
that will be very nice.

- Good.

Schneider, if you finished
whatever it is you're doing,

I wish you would leave,
Mr. Panzini will be here any minute.

- Panzini who?

- Oh, Guido Panzini,
Panzini Industries of Italy?

He's a top designer.

He does ho couture,
electric razors,

diving boards, just
everything, even racing cars.

- Wait a minute, is this
the guy that designed

the Panzini 1170?

- What is it?

- It's a race car, in
fact it's a great race car.

- It probably runs
on unleaded olive oil.

- That kind of
talk is exactly why

I want you someplace else
when he gets here, okay?


Alex, Mark...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got a
soccer game to go to anyway.

- And I have to go
downstairs and change

because I am taking
a certain fine lady

to lunch right, Francine?

- What?

Yes, yes I think that would
be very nice, Dwayne.

- Come on, let's go.

- Excuse me, Francine, you're
having lunch with Schneider?

- Well, why not?

He's cheerful,
has a nice attitude,

and has a certain basic appeal.

- Which is?

- He can fix the leaky
pipe in my bathroom.

(audience laughing)

- I knew it, I knew
it, I mean, I knew it.

- Yeah, you were sure
right about Francine.

- Yeah, it's experience, kid.

You know, you gotta
recognize the signs.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

- Schneider, that guy
looks exactly like...

- The first act of rigatoni.

Come on, let's go.

- You must be Guido Panzini.

- Yes, I must be, I am.

And you must be?

- Ann Romano.

- Of course you are.

- Yes, I am.

- So, we are who we are.

- Yes, I guess we...

Please, won't you come in?

- Grazie, senora.

- May I?

- Grazie, senora.

Romano, Romano, that is Italian.

Are you Italian?

- My father was Italian, yes.

- Ah, but your
husband is American.

- Well, my former husband.

- Your husband is a former?

- Well, yes.

- Where is his form?

- Excuse me?

- Which crops does he grow?

- I'm not sure... Oh, ah, no.

We're divorced.

We are no longer married.

- So you didn't like
it down on the farm.

(audience laughing)

- I guess not.

Please, won't you sit down?

- Grazie, senora.

You're staring at my
face, senora, why?

- Forgive me for staring,
it's terribly impolite.

You look exactly
like a man I know.

- Ah, well, there are only
so many faces to go around.

Who is this man?

- Well, his name is Schneider.

- Oh.
- Oh, I would like you

to meet my partner,
Mr. Panzini, Francine Webster.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Oh.

Thank you.

(speaking in foreign language)

Look at me.

I travel all the way
to Indianapolis,

the breadbasket of
America, expecting to find

meat and potatoes, and
what should I discover instead

but champagne and caviar.

And Napoleon brandy for dessert.

Buongiorno, signorina.

(speaking in foreign language)

I accept gratefully these
three gifts from heaven.

Fully-prepared to give one back.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, let me introduce
you, Mr. Panzini,

this is my daughter Barbara
and her husband Mark.

- It is, indeed, a pleasure.

- I'm sorry, forgive me
for staring, Mr. Panzini,

but this is just,
it's incredible.

He looks...

You look exactly like Schneider.

- Put a tool belt and a mustache
on you, you'd be his twin.

- Oh, there is absolutely
no comparison.

Well, maybe a little
around the edges, but...

- Anyway, we have work to do.

- Oh yes, I'm sorry.

I just, I can't get over it.

- She said that on
our honeymoon.

(audience laughing)

- This is the second time I
have heard the name Schnedder.

- Schneider.

- Schnedder.

- That's it.

Well, shall we start?

- Oh, shall we
start, Mr. Panzini?

- Guido.

- Oh, Francine.

- Francine.

- Ann.
- Ann.

- Ah, Ann has prepared a
little after-breakfast breakfast

for the meeting, Guido.

Annie, why don't
you serve the coffee

while I stay here
with Guido and...

- Operate.

- You are also a doctor?

(audience laughing)

- One of the best.

- Guido, please, you
speak such beautiful English.

How did you learn?

- Grazie, signorina, actually
I learned to speak English

in the Italian Navy.

- They taught you to speak
English in the Italian Navy?

(speaking in foreign language)

But during the war, I
was in the submarines.

And at night in the
submarines, we would come

to the surface and sneak
up behind the American boats

and watch the movies.

- How enchanting.

I'll bet none of that is true.

- Not a word.

- Here is the
coffee, it's ready.

Why don't we come over here

and talk about the
project, Mr. Panzini?

So, tell me, what exactly is it

that you would like us to do?

- Well, it's very simple.

Here is my entire campaign.

I give it to you.

- It's in Italian.

- Well, naturally, Annie.

Guido is Italian.

- The point is,
Francine, I can't read it.

- But only because
you are American.

Why don't I
translate for you, hm?

"I have designed
a racing car..."

- Oh, the 1170.

- You know the Panzini 1170?

- Well, of course,
doesn't everybody?

- This woman
knows my entire life.

- She will.

Now, tell me, what is it exactly

that you would like us to do?

- Well, I want you
to tell the world

that Panzini now jumps
into the automotive field

with all feet.

- Aha, okay, fine.

- Oh, Annie, I have
a wonderful idea.

Why don't I take Guido
down to the speedway

and perhaps get a bite of lunch

and that way I can probe
for all of the little details

that I know we need to know.

You see, Guido, Ann and I
usually split all of the work,

she does all of the
heavy-duty thankless things

while I handle the important,
delicate negotiations.

- Senora, we have
your permission?

- Of course, I'll find
something thankless to do.

- Oh, Ann, explain to
Schneider about the lunch.


- Oh, oh my, I love that coat.

- Oh, I think it's
too big for you.

(audience laughing)

- Ciao.

- Ciao.

- Yeah, Sam.

Yeah, I think the
meeting went well.


(doorbell dinging)

Uh, darling, there's somebody
at the door, I gotta go.

Yeah, I love you
too, bye-bye, darling.

- Hi.

(audience laughing)

I got Francine a little
one-rose corsage.

Well, after all, it is
only our first date.

You know, I didn't
wanna overwhelm her

with a couple dozen of them
long-stem jobs, you know?

- She's not here.

- Yeah, she's here.

We're gonna have a
lunch date together.

How do I look, right?

85 bucks, right off the rack.

- Very nice.

Schneider, I tried to call you.

- You what?

- Yeah, well, you know
sometimes in business...

Francine is having
lunch with Mr. Panzini.

- Panzini?

Well, uh, yeah, probably
very important business.

I tell you, sometimes in
business, you really have to...

Well, thanks a
lot for telling me.

- Schneider... No,
hey, Schneider.

(audience applause)

Schneider, come back
here, come back inside.

- I don't wanna talk
about it, Ms. Romano.

- Schneider...

Now, how many times have
you butted in when I didn't

wanna talk about it?

Roughly 20,000, now
come on, sit down.

Schneider, you've
known Francine for years.

Why is this such a crusher?

- What crusher, I'm all right.

- You're not all right.

Look at your face.

You look like a little boy
whose balloons all got stolen.

(audience laughing)

- I mean, I was doing terrific.

Then along comes that
spaghetti factory in an overcoat.

- Schneider, look,
if you would just...

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi, Alex.

- Everything okay?

- Everything's fine.

- It doesn't look fine.

(heavy exhale)

- Yeah, okay.

Schneider's just a little upset.

Francine is having
lunch with Mr. Panzini.

- No.

- Yeah.

- No no, she had a
lunch date with Schneider.

I heard her, I was
sitting right there.

He said he didn't know
how deep their ocean was

and then she said that was true.

I can't believe it.

I'm sorry, Schneider.

- Ah, thanks a lot, big guy.

Yeah, I like the lady,

but she likes somebody
else, you know.

I mean, hey, it's time
to say la vie en rose.

- Hey, look at it
this way, Schneider,

she's not rejecting you,

she's going out
with your duplicate.

- Yeah, put a dumb suit
and sunglasses on you

and you'd look just
as stupid as he does.

(audience laughing)

- I saw the guy, remember?

I mean, he's smaller than I am.

He doesn't have the shoulders,
the upper body development.

- He's practically your twin.

- What are you talking about?

The guy doesn't
have a glint in his eye.

He's probably got a tattoo
of a noodle on his arm.

(audience laughing)

- No, no, honest,
Schneider, all kidding aside,

really, you do look like him.

Look, look, without the
mustache, check it out.

- [Ann] It's remarkable.

- Would you please?

This is ridiculous.

I don't believe you...

I mean, you're trying to
compare me to that wimp?

What is the matter with...

What's the matter with...


(audience laughing)

Listen, I'll see you guys later.

There's a couple
of things I gotta do.

- Guido.

Oh please, come in, come in.


(audience laughing)

What a nice surprise.

(audience laughing)

- Well, please,
take your coat off.

Come in and sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

(audience laughing)

Oh, Guido, I really
enjoyed our luncheon today

and the walk in the
park and the cocktails.

It was a glorious day.


Dancing to the
little gypsy group

on the tiny little dance floor.

(audience laughing)

But I really loved driving
with you in the Panzini 1170.

Guido, aren't you
going to talk to me?

"I have taken the
vow of silence.

"In my village, a man
takes the vow of silence

"until his love is returned."

Oh, Guido, you
are a charming man.

Oh, even intriguing.

Oh, very attractive.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

Oh my, very attract...

Oh, look, there is water
coming out from under this door.

Oh, a pipe must have burst.

Where is Schneider
when you need him?

But you're a designer.

Oh of course, that's
right, you're an engineer

and a mechanic too.

Oh, please, please, hurry.

My rugs will be ruined.

Well, these are my tools.

(audience laughing)



- The very same.

- How did, where...

- Signorina, in my
village we have a saying.

(speaking in foreign language)

Which means, between lunch
and dinner there are five hours,

I have used them all up.

- How did you get out there?

- If you will allow
me to come in there,

I will no longer be out here.

Therefore, it makes
little difference.

- Come in.

- You look surprised.

- Oh, I'm stunned.

- Signorina, if I stunned
you, it was my pleasure.

I will be bartender, eh?

You know, Francine, has
been always my observation

that generally
speaking, women are,

generally speaking,
with their eyes.

Is that not a wise,
wise observation?


- What?

Oh, yes, yes, oh
very nice, very nice.

- You know, today was
very pleasant for me,

I hope also was
pleasant for you.

- Oh, yes, yes, it's been
very pleasant, very pleasant.

- Bene.

Have you ever noticed, Francine,

that when champagne
just comes from the bottle,

it seems to be
talking, very small talk?

It says, "Pici, pici, pici.

"Baci, baci, baci."

Pici means nothing.

Baci means to kiss.

- Guido...

- I realize that business
associates, they do not kiss,

but it is not me
that is saying this.

It is the champagne.

- Guido, there is a
man in my bathroom...

- Then our time is short.

- Oh, no, no you
don't understand...

- Ah, but I do.

Francine, you wish me to
come back some other time.

- No, you still
don't understand...

- You wish me to stay.

- Well, no.

- Let me say very simply, ciao.

In Italian, ciao means goodbye.

If I were to say it in
English, I would say,

see you later, crocodile.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, thank you,
thank you, Guido,

for fixing everything
so quickly.

Please, come and sit down.

You see, I've poured
some champagne.

You know, it's really too
bad about your vow of silence,

we have so much to talk about.

What a remarkable man,

from engineering all the
way down to plumbing.

You do it all.

The great and the menial.

A man for all seasons.

Please, let's drink to us, hm?

(audience laughing)

Oh, hear the champagne,
ticky, ticky, ticky?

- Huh?

- Baci, baci, baci.

Isn't baci an Italian word?


I thought it mean to kiss.

(audience laughing)

You know, I'm actually glad
about your vow of silence.

At a time like this,
who needs words?

Our racing blood
says it all, hm?

(audience laughing)

- Dammit, I can't do this.

- [Francine] What?

- Francine, you're
not gonna believe this.

I'm not Panzini, I'm Schneider.

- You're not.

- It's me.

You stood me up today, you know,

you stood me up
for that Panzini.

We may look alike, but
we're not the same inside.

I mean, I'm not
kissing any woman

who doesn't know
that I'm me, capisce?

- Then why did you come here?

- Well, I just
wanted to teach you

that you shouldn't fool
around with a guy's emotions,

a guy's feelings.

- That was not my
intention, really, Schneider.

- Don't ever forget.

Please, always remember
that Dwayne F. Schneider

is still his own man.

Ticky, ticky, ticky.

(audience laughing)

Let me ask you something,
were you gonna kiss me?

I mean him, I mean me
as him, me, the one of us

that I just was there, were you?

- Nobody will ever know.

- Nah, I guess they won't.

I would ask you
out to another lunch,

Francine, but unfortunately
my schedule is completely full.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

(jazzy music)

(digital tones)

(triumphant tones)