One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 1 - The Perfect Wedding: Part 1 - full transcript

Barbara is all nerves as her wedding approaches especially when Mark decides to play golf just before the ceremony.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, da dada da

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, da dada da

♪ One day at a time

- Uh huh, okay you'll
be here this morning

to pick it up, fine, bye bye.

Alex what in the world
made you sign for that cake?

- It's a wedding
cake, Barbra and Mark

are getting married remember?

- Tomorrow, that's
when it was supposed

to be delivered to
the reception, fresh.

It's the wrong day,
the wrong place

and it's the wrong cake.

- (laughs) How would I know?

A wedding cake
is a wedding cake.

- Oh

- Oh it's all right,
Alex, I'm not angry.

- (laughs) Had me
fooled there for a minute.

- It's just that I
don't want Barbara

to get upset by all
these little details.

- Right, in other
words hide the cake.

- I don't really know,
I mean if this had

happened to me
there would have been

an Annie shaped
hole in the ceiling.

- (laughing) Yeah, I'll bet.

- Morning.

- Good morning darling, hi.

- Everything alright?

- Everything's terrific!

- Yeah, yeah,
yeah just stay cool.

- Why?

Somethings wrong, I can tell.

What is that?

What is that?

- What do ya know
a birthday cake!

- It's a wedding cake,
and who are those people?

- What a relief, she's
handling it great.

I'll see you guys later.

- Mom.

- Darling take it easy, come on.

Now the bakery's picking
it up, it's all taken care of.

Relax I want you
to enjoy yourself.

- I can't enjoy myself,
I'm getting married.

- Honey, a wedding is a
complicated elaborate event,

and that's the way
it's supposed to be.

- Why?
- Because it keeps

the mother occupied,
and helps her

forget that her baby
daughter's getting married.

It's gonna be okay sweetheart.

- Lights, action, camera!

Lights, action, you're
not doing it, do something!

- Schneider what are you doing?

- Ms. Romano, I
have secured for this

momentous weekend
a deluxe model 1758

full color video camera with
unidirectional accessory mic.

- Schneider we're
trying we're trying

to get ready for a wedding.

- Yeah but that's what I
want to capture for posterity.

Yes sir ladies and
gentlemen, these

are the sights and
sounds of a wedding.

A story as old as time,
or as fresh as tomorrow.

And tomorrow this fresh
face we see in front of us,

won't be quite as fresh but what

are gonna do
those are the breaks.

- Schneider you're gonna
video tape everything?

The getting ready, the reception,
the wedding, everything?

- Yeah.

- That's a terrific
idea, thank you.

- (laughs) Well have
you ever thought about

all the things you've done
for me over the years?

The unforgettable moments,
the laughter, the fun, memories?

- The trouble, the worries.

I remember when I
first started dating,

you would wait up
until that car drove up.

- Me, nah.

- Oh, then why did
the lights always

start to blink
outside the building?

- Well, not always
just for those

vans with the one way glass.

- Ya know, in the
third grade I asked

Sister Raphael what a
guardian angel looked like.

She never mentioned
a tattoo and a tool belt.

- Guess our little girl
is leaving the nest.

It's just you and me now.

- Yeah.

The old folks at home.

- Oh, damn.


- Was it something that I said?

- I think so.

(knocking on door)

- Okay, coming!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How ya doing?

- I'm okay, how bout you?

(both laughing)

- Dwayne you got the
camera that's great.

Where's Barb?

- In the bedroom,
uh Mark I think it

might be a good idea if you went

in there and told her
that you loved her.

- She's knows I love her.

- Tell her Mark, and
when you're married,

write it on your box
of Post Toasties,

print it on the mirror with
soap, never stop telling her.

Don't panic it's been handled.


- Hi, I was in the neighborhood,

I thought maybe we could
get together some time.

- Maybe, how about tomorrow?

- Sounds good, say 12:00?

- On the alter at
Saint Agnes okay?

- You got it.

Have you been crying?

- Well.
- Hmm, maybe that's

why I'm supposed
to tell you I love you.

- Oh, mom's idea?

- Mmmhmm.

- Okay tell me.

- I love you.

That was hers, this is mine,
I love you, now I bite you.

- (laughing) I
wonder if it's true?

- What?

- That the woman thinks
only about the wedding

and the man thinks only
about the honeymoon.

- It's true.


You have been crying.

- Oh yeah, a little.

I'm giggling a lot too.

Mark, I swore to
myself I wouldn't

be the typical
bride and then just

when I think I have
my sanity, my palms

start to sweat
and I get hysterical

because I can't find the soap,

and aren't you nervous?

- Barb men don't get
nervous, we just get catatonic.

Yeah nervous is for women.

- You know why it's for women?

- Why?

- Because all the man
has to do is show up.

- Oh now that's not true.

- The man walks four feet with

the best man and
just stands there.

The woman has to
walk down a 30 mile isle

on the arm of a nervous father

while every eye in
the place is on her.

She hopes she doesn't
trip over her high heels,

or that her underwear
doesn't fall on the floor.

- You've been married before!

- I'm just having nightmares
about things going wrong.

I mean your father isn't
even gonna be at the wedding.

- Well the fact
that he's in traction

in a hospital in Europe may
have something to do with that.

Believe me honey, he wants to be

here as much as I wanna be here.

- What kinda crack is that?

- Honey why are you putting
yourself through all this?

Why didn't we just get
married by a clerk or something?

- Mark, because this
is the most wonderful

moment in a woman's life.

Don't laugh at me!

- It's all gonna
be fine, you'll see.

Is there anything
you want me to do?

I'll just cancel the tournament.

- What t ..., that golf
tournaments today?

- Yeah I tee off
in half an hour,

unless you need me.

- No darling it's
okay, I'm fine now.

As everyone keeps saying
there's nothing to worry about.

- That's right.

- I'll see you at seven.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Oh about tomorrow,
just wear suspenders.

- Huh?

- Keep your underwear
from falling down.

- Get out!

- Well that does it, according
to the measurements

that Julie sent this
should be perfect.

Oh, she's going
to be a beautiful

matron of honor, just
beautiful, and huge.

- Just like Julie,
right Catherine,

coming up pregnant just
before her sisters wedding.

- Yeah I'm only
thankful she didn't

come up pregnant before her own.

(door bell rings)

- Help me get out
of this rig will ya?

- Grandma!

- Hey Dwayne, you too huh?

- Hey sweetheart,
well we're either gonna

have to get longer
arms or one of us

is gonna have to have a baby.

- Hi guys.

- Hey, there she is!
- Hey Munchkin!

- You look terrific.

- Hi, so do you.

- Where's mom?

- She's out taking
care of something,

I'm not supposed to worry about.

- Well she probably doesn't want

another goofed up
wedding like mine.

- What are you talking
about goofed up?

You went to the
alter with the groom

and you married the
best man, that's normal.

- Max do you ever hear
from that other man?

- Fred?
- Uh huh.

- Absolutely, every
year on our wedding

anniversary he sends
me a thank you note.


- Julie if I can get
Schneider to give

up this dress, you
wanna try it on?

- Oh would you
mind if I did that

a little later, I'm kinda tired?

- Sure honey.

- Come on kid we'll go lay down

in you're auntie Barbara's room.

- Tell ya, she looks like she's

ready to have
that baby right now.

- What?

- Oh, nah, I'm only
kiddin, but by the same

token I don't think she should
ride anymore pogo sticks.

- It's only 24 hours
until my wedding.

It'd be just like Julie
to go into labor now.

- Oh I wouldn't
worry about that Barb,

we're taking a
prepared childbirth class

and we're not due to finish
it for another three weeks.

- What does that prove?

- Well it only
proves that nobody

thinks the baby's gonna
be due until about...


- Oh, Julie!
- Julie!

- Get in there
Max, get in there!

- Oh I knew it!

- Owe, owe!
- Is it a contraction honey?

- Julie!

- Do we have to call a doctor?

- Was it a big sharp pain?

- Oh it was the worst grandma.

- Boil some water, rip
some sheets, pick a name.

- Just relax honey, breathe
normally, where's the pain?

- My toe.

- A breech birth,
what, do you what?

- Well I took off my shoes and I

kicked something under the bed.

- Uh, building up
your pecks Barb?

- It must be Alex, he can't
wait to move into my room.

- Come on, come on,
get out, out you two,

Julie needs her rest,
no, no come on out, out.

And Schneider I don't want
anymore smart remarks from you.

- I say fundamental things.

- The man is whit.
- Out, out, out.

- Do you know we almost sent you

and your big toe to the
delivery room just now?

- The delivery room, Barb
I'm not due for seven weeks.

- You sure?

- Yeah, I'm goin the
distance believe me,

besides I couldn't
do that to you.

Tomorrow is your day, and
Mark's day, nobody else's.

- Yeah well, you know
me, always overreacting.

I'm just scared.

- Join the crowd.

- Not you?

- Me.

- Julie I'm gonna be a wife.

- I'm gonna be a mother.

- Do you remember
when we were young?

- Yeah, 22 years old,
where did it all go?

- We're women.

It's funny ya know, but
I don't feel any different.

- Yeah well speak for yourself.


- Do you remember
we used to spend

hours in here
talking and arguing?

Right here in this old room.

- It's a great old room.

- (heavy sigh) It's home.

- Tutu bear!

- I kept him for ya.

- Yeah probably
because you always

felt guilty about
pulling his little arms off.

- I never pulled his
arms off, once maybe,

actually I just held his arms
and you pulled his body off.

- Oh it's funny isn't it Barb,

it doesn't really seem
to matter anymore.

I love you kid.

- Julie I love you.

- Where are you going,
you're supposed to be resting?

- Well, I'm willing
but he is wide awake.

- Well so long old room.

- So long Tutu bear.

- So long childhood.

- Ah, it's a very nice opening.

- Yeah we like it
we call it our door.

- I'm planning on opening
this particular sequence

with the entrance
of the loved ones.

- The loved ones,
we're talking about

a wedding not a funeral.

- Well you obviously
never went to my wedding.

(doorbell rings)

- Ah ha, must be
one of the loved ones.

- Hi!
- Not quite, one of the

ex loved ones,
Barbara your dads here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- No, no, no, no Eddie please,
not yet, I'm not quite ready.

- Not a shrewd move Schneider.

- Where's daddy?

- Out in the hall
building a head of steam.

- Let him, let him in now.

- Where is he, I'll kill him.

- Hi baby.
- Hi daddy.

- Talk about a beautiful bride.

- Thanks.

- I want to tell ya that I'm
very, very happy for ya.

- Awe thanks.

- I'd hate to think that you'd

miss the weddings of
both your daughters.

- Schneider.

- Julie's wedding
was very sudden,

I had a business trip in Europe.

- It's okay big guy I
was there, I covered it.

- Daddy look Schneider's
gonna tape everything.

- Oh, terrific I hope he
starts with his mouth.

- Ed.

- This might be a good time
for me to do some exteriors.

- Terrific idea.

- Allow me.

- Looking really good Big Ed.

- Ed for once
just let it go okay?

- Okay, okay, wait
a minute for once?

- I'm sorry I meant just don't
start anything for a change.

- For change, oh thank you.

- Old habits die hard.

Look Ed you know
that Mark's father

is not going to be
here tonight so...

- By the way, how
much money does

our future son-in-law
make in a year?

- So Mark's mother is
bringing her boyfriend instead.

What Mark makes a
year is not the issue.

- That is the issue, how
much does he make?

- Look he is a dental student,

he is putting himself
through dental school,

he's got a profession,
the boy has a future.

- In other words he
doesn't make a dime.

Hi mom.

- Ed look, may I speak to you
a minute about the way you...

- People, people, your
stepping in my shot!

I bet you're looking for
the Romano apartment.

- Yes, I'm Mark's mother.

- The Royer's I can't tell you

how much we think
of Mark around here.

- We, you mean...

- Couldn't love him more
if he was my own son,

you know what I'm sayin.

Yeah, Barbara really
made a great choice here.

I guess we're gonna be
seeing a lot of each other huh?

- Yes.

- Let me ask you a
question there Marge,

doesn't Sam here talk at all?

- My husband and I are divorced.

- And part of the settlement
is that he can't talk?

- No, no this is my friend.

- I'm Charles Tilson.

- Oh, hey good for you
Marge, goin out and grabbing

a guy like this while
you're on the rebound.

So let me tell ya,
you're really gonna love

Barbara's mom and dad.

- You mean you're not Ed?

- No, no, no I'm
Dwayne Schneider,

I'm the building superintendent.

- So nice to meet you Dwayne.

- Awe listen folks I'm
trying to shoot a thing here,

please let's give
me a nice fresh start.

- No, no wait a minute.
- Just a minute.

- Money is just too important to

you Ed that's all I'm saying.

Don't ask me how
much a man makes,

ask me if he's a nice man.

Don't ask me how much the
orchestra I hired for the wedding

cost, ask me if it's
a good orchestra.

- How many men?

- What?

- In the orchestra,
I'm splitting the

cost right down the middle
right, how many men?

- Seven, three for
you and four for me,

you see the union
wouldn't let me cut

the trumpet player in half.

- (laughing) Oh hardie
har har, oh you missed

your calling Ann, you know
you should write a classroom

and give snide lessons,
you'd make a fortune.

- I'm sorry, you
know Ed I'm really,

really very sorry, it just so
happens I'm a little nervous.

If you hadn't
noticed our youngest

daughter is getting married.

- I noticed.

I see where you
learned how to cook.

Look, our daughter
is gonna be the

loveliest bride this
town has ever seen.

And I want to give you credit,

I think you've
done a hell of a job

raising the girls,
and I wanted to tell

you that but as soon
as I was about to

tell you, you turned viscous.

- Thank you Ed
that's the nicest thing

you've ever scowled at me.

Now if you could
just learn to speak

without that sneer in your voice

maybe people would
learn to accept your

compliments, and you
must be Mark's mother.

- Yes and you must be Ann.
- I'm Ann.

- Hello this is Charles Tilson.

- Charles Tilson.
- You're Ed.

- Charles.
- Ed.

- Romano, Romano, Ed
would you go back and give

me a little bit more
of the argument,

I got everything up to
vicious and then it go...

- Would you excuse
us Schneider please?

- Ms. Romano say
that one more time,

your lips were out of focus.

- Would you excuse us

Schneider please?
- Oh that's great!

- I'm real sorry, mom
why don't you come over

here and meet Mark's mother,
yes Marge and Mr. Tilson.

- Jello.

- We have just been so
anxious to meet you Marge.

- Yes I have been too, and
Mark's been raving about Barbara.

- Well I'd like you
to meet my daughter.

This is my other daughter Julie.


- Nice to meet you.

- You too.
- This is Barbara.

- Mrs. Royer, it's so
nice to finally meet you.

Thanks grandma.

- So you're Barbara,
oh Mark was right.

Isn't she lovely Charles?

- And a beautiful face.

- Oh thank you,
they gave it to me.


- Come on, come on, I
tell ya Francine why don't

you go on out, come
back in again and this time

give me a little
twinkly, a little tinkly.

- Okay here you go.

- Wow, oh okay.

Alright folks don't mind
me, just mill around.

Barbara why don't you introduce

Francine here to your guests.

Ed try to look happy your
daughters getting married.

- Dad.
- Daddy, daddy.

Francine it's so
nice to see you.

- Hello Barbara, oh thank you.

- This is Mark's
mother and her friend,

and of course I think
you know my daddy,

and Julie and mom and grandma,

and this is my mother's
business associate.

- Well how do you
all do, I'm terribly

sorry that I can't stay.

- Of course you can
Francine take off your coat.

- Oh well I really
do love weddings,

I don't know why I
haven't tried it myself,

I would look terrific in white.

Off white.

(knocking on door)

- Is this the Romano apartment?

- Oh yes it is, please come in?

- Oh thank you.

- I noticed you on the elevator,

I had no idea you
were coming here.

- Well I had a little difficulty
in finding apartment 402.

- Well this could be
an interesting evening.

I'm Francine Webster.

- Oh hello, I'm Father Latwell.

- Francine, Ed why don't you
come and meet Father Latwell.

- Oh yes, hi I'm Ed.

- Mom now!

- Yeah excuse me, thank you mom.

Darling are you alright.

- I'm fine, no really I'm fine.

- Shh, one more day and
this will all be over okay?

- Hey, guess what?

- Oh Mark, Oh Mark!

- Now that's the way a wife
should greet her husband.

- It's so nice to
see you, oh god.

- Oh you too.

- Mark.
- Momma, how are you?

So glad you got here.

Hi Charles, how are ya?
- Congratulations Mark.

- Thanks, thanks.

- So Mark, how'd
the tournament go?

- Terrific, he's five under par,

four shots behind the leaders.

- Played fantastic.

- Yeah tomorrow
he's just gonna be so...

- Tomorrow?

- Uh oh.

- Did I say something wrong?

- No, no it's fine, I have
a very early tee off time

win, lose or draw at 10:30
I go home, take a shower,

get dressed, I have
this wedding to go to.

- Mark can I see
you for a moment?

- How bout more champagne,
here you go Schneider.

- Thank you, thank you
very much for tearing

yourself away from your golf
game to come to my wedding.

- Oh now honey take it
easy, I'm not supposed to see

you before the wedding right?

That's your
superstition not mine.

So what's wrong with
killing little time before the...

- Killing a little time?

- Yeah I knew that was
wrong the minute I said that.

Honey, I'm nervous too,
if I play golf I won't have

a chance to think about it.

Besides this morning
you didn't mind at all.

- This morning was this morning.

Mark tomorrow is my wedding day,

I don't want you playing golf,

you could get
hit by a golf ball,

you could trip over a divot,

you could fall in a sand trap,

you could get golfers hip
and have to crawl up the isle.

- Golfers hip?

- What if you in
a water hole and

got pneumonia on our honeymoon?

- Oh honey your not
making any sense.

- Your damn right I'm not, I
don't know what I'm doing.

- Let's just change
the subject okay?

How'd you like my momma?

- I love her.

Thank you for understanding.

- That goes double, thank
you for understanding.

- Understanding what?

- About the golf.

- You're still gonna play?

- Yeah.

- Mark if you went to a funeral

would you tap
dance on the coffin?

- Is that supposed
to be a parallel?

- Well that's the way I feel.

You're taking my day and
you're just throwing it away.

- You're day!

- I'm warning you Mark,
don't tap dance on my coffin.

- And I am warning you Barbara,

I do not operate
well on an ultimatum.

You keep saying your
day, your wedding,

you know it's mine too.

- Okay I'm sorry.

- And I will love you
just as much if I play golf,

or I spend the
morning worrying and

counting my toes in a corner.

- Oh please!

- You're making
the ceremony more

important than the marriage.

- I'm not.

- Yes and you're making
a damn fool of your...

- So now a toast to our
daughter and your son.

- [Announcer] Tune
in next week for

the conclusion of
the perfect wedding.

("One day at a Time")