One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 2 - The Perfect Wedding: Part 2 - full transcript

Barbara is about to be married and the groom hasn't returned from the golf course.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- [Announcer] Here are some
scenes from last week's show.

- I can't enjoy myself.

I'm getting married.

- Honey.

A wedding is a
complicated, elaborate event.

And that's the way
it's supposed to be.

- Why?

- Because it keeps
the mother occupied.

And helps her forget

that her baby daughter's
getting married.

- I have a very
early tee off time.

Win, lose, or draw at 10:30 AM.

I go home, take a
shower, get dressed.

I have this wedding to go to.

- Mark, can I see
you for a moment?

- And I will love you
just as much if I play golf

or I spend the morning worrying

and counting my
toes in the corner.

- Oh please!

- You're making the
ceremony more important

than the marriage!

- I am not!

- Yes, and you're
making a damned fool of.

- So now a toast to our
daughter and your son.

- [Announcer] And
now for the conclusion

of the perfect wedding.

- Oh, Ed, what time is it?

- Close to midnight.

- Where are they?

- You know what
we're doing, don't you?

We are sitting around,
worrying about two adults.

I mean, they're getting
married tomorrow.

I hope.

- I wish Mark's father
weren't in the hospital.

I mean, I don't like
the man very much,

but there was always some
small comfort in having him

tell me that something
like this was all my fault.

- What a terrific opportunity.

The reconciliation scene.

- Oh, honey, are you all right?

- Yes, fine, fine.

- All right folks,
this is nice, but

give me something.

Marge, give me a smile.

Show me some teeth.

- Eh, get that
nitwit out of here.

- Schneider.

- Look, we're trying to
find out what happened.

- Well I'm not gonna
tell you because you

called me a nitwit.

- We don't want
to hear if from you.

We want to hear it from them.

- Daddy, I just went
up to the roof to think.

- And I went down the
street to look for her.

Then an inspiration
struck me from above.

Actually, Barbara threw a
pebble at me from the roof.

- Nitwit, huh?

You think you can operate this?

Find the focus.

Show me where the focus is.

- I'm deadly serious.

If this man isn't out
of here in 30 seconds,

I'm gonna shove that
zoom lens up his nose.

- All right.

That's a wrap.

I wanna tell you
something, Cooper.

Unless you completely
change this hostile attitude

that you have, you ain't
getting one close up tomorrow

at the, maybe one way
shot, but that's about it.

- Now.

Did we get the golf
thing straightened out.

- Yes.

- And?

- No and.

Just yes.

- Then it's all
straightened out?

- Yes.

- You mean you are
gonna play tomorrow?

- I don't know.

I might not.

- Then again, he might.

- Well, gee, I'm glad
we straightened that out.

- See daddy the truth
is, I don't wanna know.

We decided if we
talked about it, we'd fight.

If we didn't talk about
it, we wouldn't fight.

We don't wanna fight, so
we're not gonna talk about it.

- A form of self-deception
I taught her myself.

- I recognize it.

- But you are getting married?

- Yes, of course.

We'll fight after the wedding.

- After the honeymoon.

- Maybe.

- Well I'm glad
that's all settled.

I think I'd better be
getting back to my hotel.

- I'll go downstairs with you.

- If there's anything you
need, you call me, okay?

- Thank you.

- Good night, Pumpkin.

- Good night.

- I'll see you on
my arm tomorrow.

- You bet.

- Look at all this loot.

- Yeah, I know.

You wanna open some more now?

- Yeah.

(laughs) (bell rings)

What's that?

- Oh well, it is grandma's
wedding present.

- Oh no, Mark, it's midnight.

Get out of here.

Don't look at me.

- She do this often?

- The groom is not
supposed to see the bride

on the wedding day.


It's midnight.

- That is just a
stupid superstition.

- Yeah, well, you know that,

and I know that, but
there is a lady in the closet

who isn't so sure.

- [Barbara] Mark, go home!

- No!

- [Barbara] Mom, get rid of him.

- No.

He's too big.

Good night.

- Good night.

It's the wedding dress I'm not
supposed to see, remember?

- [Barbara] It's all of me
you're not supposed to see.

- I'm not leaving
'til I get a kiss.

- [Barbara] Mark, it's bad luck.

All right, turn away
from the closet.

- Okay.

You've got to be kidding.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi.

- Hey.

Table for two down front please.

- Look who's talking.

- Yeah, well.

- You both look very handsome.

- Thanks.

- Hi, Alex.

- Hi.

- Where's the room
full of worried women?

- The bedroom.

- Thank you.

- Alex.

- Yeah?

- Shh.

Mark is playing golf.

- Golf?

- Shh.

He couldn't sleep.

He called me at
four in the morning.

I told him to go ahead.

Might as well be
doing something, right?

So he's playing golf.

But you can't tell Barbara.

She doesn't want to
hear anything about this.

- Oh, okay.

- Okay.

- Where you going?

- I'm going out to
the country club.

Make sure he gets
to the church on time.

- And watch the golf game.

- And that too.

Remember, shh.

- Shh.

Have fun.


- Why thank you.

And wow to you too.

Where's Max?

- Oh he went to
the golf... chapel.

- The golf chapel.

I see.

- Okay, Mark couldn't
sleep, so he called Max

at about four AM.

- No, no, uh uh.

I don't want to know.

What i don't know
won't upset my daughter.

Besides, he promised to
quit at 10:30 no matter what.

- Right.

- Hey, let's go.


Ms. Romano, I gotta tell ya,

sometimes you can look

very beautiful.

- Thank you, Schneider.

- I mean if I didn't know
this was your apartment,

I wouldn't know this was you.

You're always walking
around in sloppy shirts

and dirty jeans.

- Schneider, sometimes
you're gonna have to learn

when to terminate a compliment.

- A por nada.

- You going to the
church so soon?

- Yeah, me and the kid,
we gotta set up some shots.

Let's go.

- Schneider, this is
gonna be a lovely wedding.


I mean Barbara is going
traditional all the way.

Beautiful wedding gown,
chapel, matron of honor,

flowers, bridal
train, the works.

- So traditional.

- Yes, nice.

So I don't want you
pointing the camera at her

and crawling back down
the aisle on your belly

yelling, "Give me some teeth."

- We can change that shot.

- See you in the church.

- In the church.

- See you later, Ms. R.

- Oh no, Alex.

Just a second, sweetheart.

- Oh sure.

I'll meet you
downstairs, Schneider.

- You got it.

- Sweetheart, with everything
that's been going on,

have you been feeling
a little neglected?


- Well now that
you mentioned it.

Would it help if I threw
a tantrum or something.

- Nut.

You know when this is all
over, you and I are gonna be

more or less alone.

Did you grow taller this week?

- Maybe a couple of inches.

Sure you're not the
incredible shrinking woman?

- Go.

- It's exciting.

- Yes it is.

- I'll tell you mom, Barbara
is really breaking the record

for nerves in there.

She's been to the
bathroom I think 32 times.

- Well there's a gas station
on the way to the church.

- Well, you're finally
getting your wedding.

- Oh not my wedding.


- No, no, no.

I've watched you running
around and going crazy

putting this whole
thing together

and having a terrific time.

My wedding was weird.

This is the kind you wanted.

Admit it.

(doorbell rings)

Saved by the bell.

- Hi Ms. Romano.
- Hi, Jeff.


- Oh thanks.

Hi, Julie.

- Hi, Jeff.

How's the best man holding up?

- A little hung over
from the bachelor party.

- That was two nights ago.

- Tell me about it.

Listen, I've got
some terrific news.

Mark is winning
the golf tournament.

- Shh.

- I'm not talking runner up.

We're talking trophy.

Isn't that great?

- Yeah, it's terrific as
long as he plays fast.

- Not to worry.

Mark said no matter
what, absolutely, positively

whatever's happening,
he quits at 11 sharp.

- 11?

What happened to 10:30?

- The wedding is at noon.

- Shh.

- Don't you think that's
cutting it a little close?

- Traffic's light
on the weekend.

He'll make it.

I gotta go.

I'll see you.

- Jeff.

- Ms. Romano,
would any man be late

for a gorgeous girl like Babs?

And I can certainly see
where she got her beauty.

Oh if I were just
five years older.


See ya.

- Who was that?

What's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong, honey.

That was Jeff.

He came over with a
message from Mark.

To tell you not to worry.

- About what?

- Well, Mark says that
he wouldn't play golf

on your wedding day
even if you paid him

and that he is at home
thinking about you

and how much he loves you.

- Mom?

- That's essentially it.

- Hi.
- Hi, Ed.

- Well, this is the day.

You know, Ann, it's not fair.

The bride is supposed to
be the most beautiful woman

at the wedding.

- Believe me, she
will be, but thank you.

And Edward, you look
pretty terrific yourself.

- We must have been
a very attractive couple.

- You know it doesn't
seem that long ago

that you looked just like that

standing at the
end of the aisle.

- 23 years ago.

- Oh.

- Yeah, we had our
share of good times.

- Yes we did, Ed.

Some very good times.

- Careful, mom.

He's a married man.

- And I have it on
very good authority

that his wife is out of town.

Is Barbara ready?

- Well, she's sitting
on the edge of the bed

staring at her feet.

- She's ready.


- [Barbara] Huh?

- Oh honey.

- [Barbara] Oh yeah,
okay, in a minute.

- I wonder how the
groom's holding up.

- He's playing golf.

- He's playing?

He's playing golf on my
daughter's wedding day?

- Where were you on the
morning of your wedding?

- I was getting a sex
lecture from her mother.

- Okay, I think I'm ready.

- Okay honey, here.

I'll take that.

- Hi daddy.

- We sure did something right.

- Thanks a lot.

- Oh.

- Cone on you guys.

- Okay, okay, let's get the car.

- Okay, I'll come with you.

- Terrific.

- I'll get that.

- You can take that?

All right, sweetheart.

- You can take this one too?

- Yeah.

- All right, sweetheart.

- Dad, will you
grab my bag for me?

- Yeah, okay sure.

See you later.

- You okay?


Sweetheart, I'm not gonna
give you the mother speech.

You know how I feel.

- Mom, give me
the mother speech.

- Really?

I mean it's all
filled with stuff like

being happy and remembering
to think before you speak.

Stuff like that.

- I thought mothers were
supposed to tell their daughters

about... you know...
conjugal duties

and sex and what to
expect from the carnal male.

Am I gonna make him happy?

- Oh, yes.

Darling, it was
your choice to wait

until everything
was right for you.

It is right.

You both love each
other very much.

So it'll be easy,
believe me, I know.

I was in love with your
daddy for a long, long time.

You and Julie were
born out of that love.

I'll always be
grateful for that.

This may be my last
official opportunity for advice.

I'm gonna grab it.


Sweetheart, remember who you are

and what your needs are

because you can make
him your whole life,

and in the process
start losing yourself.

And if you do that,
you'll lose the marriage.

- Is that what happened to you?

- I think so.

I know so.

As for the rest, my love,

love him.

Sometimes it is
gonna be so difficult.

But just keep right
on loving him through

bad moods and money
worries and dirty socks.

Love him.

- I hope Mark's mother is
giving him the same advice.

- If she doesn't, I will.

- I love you.

I love you.

- I love you so, baby.

- And I'm so scared.

- You're supposed to be.

(horn honks)

- Oh, okay, that's daddy.

- Yep.

- I wonder if Mark's nervous.

- No.

- I knew it.

He's playing golf.

Is he playing golf?

Don't tell me.

I don't wanna know.

- Barbara.

- I know.

- [Both] Take a deep breath.

(knock at door)

- Baby and all.


- A few people are
starting to show up.

Or maybe they're
from another wedding.

I don't recognize anybody.

Hi honey.

Annie, hi.

- You look beautiful.

- Yes, I do, don't I?

Hi Julie.
- Hi grandma.

- Mom.

- Yes honey.

- Mark's gonna
be late, you know.

And we're all gonna
be standing around

like a bunch of dummies,
and Cynthia Ovaltree

will laugh her head off at me.

- Cynthia Ovaltree?

- She sat behind
me in the third grade.

Said I was too ugly
to ever get married.

I know, take a deep breath.

- Right.

Oh, honey, even if
Mark is playing golf,

it's only a short
drive from here.

- Yeah, a short drive, a
nine iron, and three putts.

- Julie, not funny.

- Ed, is Mark here yet?

- No.

- Don't shout at me please.

- I'm sorry.

Look I know I'm coming on
like the old-fashioned father,

but I was hoping that the
man who marries my daughter

would at least be
interested in the ceremony.

- He's just out working
off some tension.

- That's what the
honeymoon is for.


- That is really gross.

- All right, I want everybody
to take it easy, okay?

It's only 18 minutes from here.

I timed it myself, so
nobody panic, okay?

- Who is this?

- That's Hal, he's an usher.

- What are you saying?

Mark is still playing golf?

- Playing?

He's tied on the 17th.

But don't worry
about him, Mr. Cooper.

He'll get here.

- He's supposed to
leave the golf course

on the stroke of 11:15.

- 11:15?

What happened to 11?

- Look, Ms. Romano, don't worry.

He'll get here.

I mean, we got
it all figured out.

The worst comes to
worst, he changes in the car

and skips the
shower and he's here.

- My daughter is not marrying
a man who need a shower.

- Well they sponge
him off in the back seat,

give him a fresh pair of socks,

he's all ready.

- Schneider.

- [Barbara] Mom, will you
help me with this damn thing?

- Honey, we're in a chapel.

It's a stupid thing.

- Look who I found.

The mother of the groom.

- Hello, Marge.

- Hi, Anne.

- Where's Mark?

- Isn't he here?

- No.

This happened to a
very good friend of mine.

Alice somebody.

Anyway, she fainted
right on the altar,

and they had to
haul her up the aisle

with her garter belt showing.

- [Barbara] What?

- Nothing, darling.


- Oh hi, Mrs. Royer.

- Hello Julie.

- Mom.

Mom, can I talk to
you for a minute?

- Yeah.

- Max and Mark
aren't even here yet.

- Maybe they're
in the men's room?

- No they aren't.

I looked.

- [Barbara] What's all
this whispering about?

- Nothing, honey.


- Oh just a couple of
the guests are missing.

- Like Mark?

- Honey, who said
anything about Mark?

- Mom, go find him.

I want him here.

Go find him.

- All right,
sweetheart, I'll go look,

but I'm sure he's exactly
where he should be.

- Mom.

- [Ann] Yes?

- I don't trust you.

Bring back a lock of his hair.

- Barbara, you mustn't worry.

He'll be here.

Mark is never late.

When he was in the fourth
grade, he got every petal

on his punctuality daisy.

(organ plays)

- Is he here yet?

- I was gonna ask
you the same question.

Maybe you ought to
go out on the golf course

and look for him, huh?

- I'm gonna go out
on that golf course,

and I'm gonna wring his neck.

- Thank you.

- I tell you, Ms. Romano, we
got a saying down at the lodge.

It's always dark
inside the broom closet

until somebody needs a mop.

- Thank you.

- Hi, you look beautiful.

- Where's Mark?

- He's right there.

- Hey.

How'd he do in the tournament?

- He didn't finish.

He quit in the middle
of the 18th fairway.

Some things are
just more important.

- Oh.

Oh dear God.

Ed's heading out
to the golf course

to try to find him.

(overlapping talk)

(organ plays)

- Oh, I'm here.

Oh, I am so sorry
that I am late,

but I was just going
out the front door

and I had on my gold silk,
and I suddenly realized,

I would be out-dressing
the entire wedding party.

So I went back in and I.

- Francine.

- Yes.

- Sit back, fold your
hands, and zip your lip.

- Yes ma'am.

(knock at door)

- Come in.

- It's time, honey.

- Oh, I'd better get out there.

Okay daddy.

- Yeah.

See you out there.

- Good luck, Barb.

- [Barbara] Thank you.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

- I don't know if I can.

You're so...

Oh, I love you so much.

- Me too, daddy.


- Oh, care to take a
little walk with me?

- Don't mind if I do.

(bridal march plays)


- Dear Barbara and Mark,

this is your special day.

You have come together
in this house of worship

to seal the covenant
of your love.

I welcome you and your
families and your relatives

to the celebration as
your families are united.


- Schneider, shh.

- I ran out of tape.

- Since it is your intention
to enter into marriage,

please join your right hands

and declare your consent
before God and his church.

- I, Mark, take you, Barbara,

to be my wife.

- [Pastor] I promise.

- I promise to be true to you

in good times and in bad,

in sickness and in health.

I will love you and honor
you all the days of my life.

- I Barbara take you
Mark to be my husband.

I promise to be true to you

in good times and in bad,
in sickness and in health.

I will love you and honor
you all the days of my life.

- You have declared your
consent before the church.

May the Lord and his goodness
strengthen your consent

and fill you both
with his blessing.

May I have the rings please?

May the Lord bless these rings,

which you give to each other
as a sign of love and fidelity.

- [All] Amen.

- Barbara, take this ring as
a sign of my love and fidelity.

- Mark, take this ring as a
sign of my love and fidelity.

- What God has joined
together let no man put asunder.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present to you

Mr. and Mrs. Mark Royer.


(organ plays)

(theme music)