One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 25 - It's in the Cards - full transcript

("One Day At A Time")

♪ This is it, this
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here ♪ Enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what
you do ♪ Hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle through

♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time

♪ One Day At A
Time, da-da-da-dah

♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time

♪ One Day At A
Time, da-da-da-dah

♪ One Day At A Time

- Mom, what are you doing?



Why don't you just relax and
read the Sunday paper, huh?

- Relax?

When there's work to be done?

Come on.


Would you look at that?

A wild lint!


- Mom, sit!


- Where's the obituary page?


- Mom, why do you want that?

- Oh, I just want to
check on which friends

I don't have to call today.


- Are you okay?

- No, Annie.

I just, I didn't sleep
too well last night.

- Thinking about Daddy again?

- Annie, now, don't
think I'm crazy.

I know Daddy's gone but lately,

I find myself talking to him.

Oh, I don't know
why I waste my time.

He never listened to
me when he was alive.


- Mom, you know what I think?

I think you need
something to do.

- You're right.

I'll vacuum the drapes!


- Mom, you are a
vital intelligent woman.

You need to get
involved in something

you can sink your teeth into.

- Yeah!

I'll bake some bread!


- The problem is
you're bored, right?

- Oh, Annie.

Out of my gourd!


- Why don't you
take some classes?

Learn something new!

- Oh, Annie!

- No, really.

I just got this terrific
brochure from the city college.

- Oh, come on.

Annie, I haven't opened
a textbook in years.

- It doesn't matter, Mom.

They'll take anybody.


It really sounds great!

- Yeah?

Maybe I will look into it.

- Sounds like it could be fun.

- Imagine me, a college girl!


Do they still have panty raids?


- Yeah, I tell you, Ms. Romano,

with this little
beauty in my hands,

you're gonna be stepping in

walleyed bass up
to your barnacles.


- Schneider, you're
a sweet-talking fool.

- See, the reason I really
like this rig, you know,

because I can also
go ice-fishing with it.

- Ice fishing?

- Oh, yeah, ice
fishing is terrific.

Get up at 3:00 in the morning.

You drive out on the ice.

You take a little chainsaw,
cut a hole in the ice,

you set up a little shanty,
open a case of beer,

build a little fire.

When the beer's all gone
and the shanty burns down,

you float home.


- Well, you certainly
look prepared.

It's a terrific
looking fishing rod.

- Yeah, this is terrific.

I mean, it's got the
computerized reel,

the camouflage hook, the
search-and-destroy lure.


- Why don't you
just lob in a grenade?

- That's too expensive anymore.


- Hi, Mom, Schneider!

- Hey, kiddo!

How are you?

- Hi, sweetheart.

How was your day?

- Lousy!

I mean, the weirdos you
meet in elevators these days.

- Ta-dah!


- Mom, hi!

Where have you been?

We've been trying to get
in touch with your for days!

- Well, I've been
taking classes.

Studying day and
night for a week,

learning everything that I can.

- Terrific!

- Ms. Romano told me
that you've been studying

down at the city college.

- Oh, no.

I'm studying with
Countess Zelda.

- Who?

- Countess Zelda.

I read about her on the bulletin
board at the supermarket.

- Supermarket?

- I have a new career:
tarot card reading.


- My grandmother the gypsy.

- Well, I guess it's
better than dusting.

- Yeah and when the
full moon comes out,

I wouldn't date
anybody with hairy feet.


- For your information,
smarty, tarot card reading is

a very honorable and ancient
profession and it's not a fake.

- Mom, you never
believed in stuff like that.

- Oh, I believe now!

I may do it professionally.

- You're gonna read
cards for a living?

You've got to be kidding.

- Why don't you just write those

sayings in the fortune cookies?

- Yeah!

"You will meet a tall,
dark, handsome stranger

"with a meat loaf
in his cummerbund."


You've got to be
kidding, Katherine.

This thing is all a con game.

- It is not!

- Mom, whatever possessed
you to get into tarot cards?

- Well, when I left
here last Sunday,

I looked up my
horoscope and it said,

"Good things are
in the cards for you."

- Yeah, but Mom...

- See, then I saw
Countess Zelda's ad.

Countess Zelda says
that I am a natural.

She says that I have a
rare and unique talent

for reading cards.

- Oh, come on, Mom.

- She says that she
hasn't met anybody with

my psychic ability since
she left her little farm.

- In Romania?

- Pittsburgh.


Her real name is
Gladys Kesselman.

Everybody takes names.

I am Madam Rachmaninoff.


- You tell people
you're a madam,

they're gonna expect a lot
more than a cup of tea leaves.



- Now, come on.

I came over here
so I could read you.

You're my first subjects.

- What are you talking about?

It's all just a bunch of bunk!

It's just a rip-off!

- Come on!

Grandma, don't
listen to Schneider.

Read me.

- Okay, what you do
is you cut the cards

into three piles.

- Okay.

- Okay, and that is your past,
your present, and your future

- Okay, well skip my past.

There's nothing worth
remembering for Mom to know.


Just do my present.

- Okay.

Your present it is.

Now, we deal them out like that.

Oh, that's very interesting!

- What's interesting?

- Green, the color green.

- Green?

- Yeah, green is not a
good color for you, Barbara.

I'm getting very bad vibes.

Green is going to bring
you nothing but problems.

- What does all that mean?

- Don't fool around
with anybody from Mars.


- Barbara, have as little to
do with green as possible.

- Well, I do already.

Have you seen my paycheck?


Come on, what else do you see?

- Oh, don't you dare do what
I see on your date tonight!


- Grandma, come on!

Be serious!

- Honey, the rest
just isn't very clear.

I'm sorry.

- Oh, okay.

Do Mom!

- Okay!

- All right, all right.

What do I have to do?

- This is ridiculous.

- I just shuffle them up
once and then you cut them.

Cut the cards into three piles.

- Okay, since you
did Barbara's present,

why don't you do my future?

- Your future?

Okay, your future it is.

Are you planning
a trip to Leipzig?


- Leipzig?

No, not this week.


- Good, you wouldn't like it.


- Uh-huh?

What uh-huh?

- I see you having a big
argument with somebody

very close to you.

- Do you know who it is?

- I'm not sure, honey, but gee,

it's going to be
a terrible fight!

- You are really a barrel of
laughs with these readings.

Could we have some
good news for a change?

- Well, but honey, I have
no control over the cards.

I just see what I see.

- I'm trying to tell you
this is a bunch of bunk!

You want me to prove it?

Go ahead, Katherine.

Read me, come on.

- No, no.

Not if you're not going
to take it seriously.

- I won't kid around.

Go ahead.

- Okay, well I am going to
give you my super-duper,

extra-special, advanced reading.

- What are you
going to do first?

Spit in the mouth
of a dead frog?


- First, you may call me
Madam Rachmaninoff.

- You got it, Rocky.


- Now, I want you to put
both hands on top of the deck

and let all of your energy and
emotions flow into the cards.

- I'll burn a hole
through that table.


- Go on.

Now, cut the deck
into three piles.


- Have you learned anything yet?

- Yes, you can't count.

I said three piles.


- Okay.

- Okay, now that's your past,
your present and your future.

- Okay, well do my
past because that way

I'll know when you're bluffing.

- Very well, your past it is.

- You ladies better
get out of the room!


- Oh hey!

That's interesting!

I see as a child that you were
raised in a very tough area.

- Tough?

I knew a kid held his
socks up with thumbtacks.


- And I see you
in money trouble.

- That was my trouble.

I had no money.


- And I see you
running or traveling a lot.

- All right, so I
was in the Navy!

So far, you haven't said
anything you don't know!

- Oh, and I see your little dog!

I think it's a little dog.

You ran away from him but
he kept looking for you for years.


Oh, he never forgot you, Dwayne.

- What the hell are
you talking about?

I never had a dog!

- But I see him very clearly.

Very clearly.

His name was Brownie,
or Bowser, or Buffy?


- Why did you say Brownie?

- Oh boy, my psychic
powers are taking over.

That's what I see.

- What do you
know about Brownie?

- It's all in the cards.

- There's no way that you
could know about Brownie.

What's going on here?

- It's all in the cards?

- Schneider, are you okay?

- Somebody call you?

- No.

- Somebody call you
about me from out of state?

- Schneider, it's
just all in the cards.

- Oh, my god.

After all these years,
they're still after me.

- Schneider, Grandma
said she saw a dog.

- Brownie's no dog, he's a hood!

He's with the Mob.

He's still after me.


- Schneider, what
are you talking about?

Who is after you?

- Brownie!

You heard what
Madam Romanoff said!

- Rachmaninoff.


- Who the hell cares?

A Commie's a Commie!


- Schneider, Grandma
said Brownie was a dog.

- No, I said I thought
he was a dog.

- Everything she said was right.

- It is?

Oh, Countess Zelda was right!

I do have psychic powers!

- Schneider, you are
jumping to conclusions

based on the one word Brownie.

- I knew they were
gonna find me.

There's no way you can
hide from these people.

It took them 25
years but they did it.


They did it, they did it!

They found me!

- Who are they and why
are they looking for you?

- What did you do to
have the Mob after you?

- 25 years ago I borrowed $500
from Brownie Fastagagarella.


He's a loan shark.

- Loan shark?

- See, I got a tip on a race.

It was supposed to be fixed.

I put the 500 down on the horse.

It was supposed
to be a sure thing.

- And you didn't win?

- That gluepot!


He ran like he was
wearing support hooves.


I couldn't, I couldn't
pay Brownie back and

he threatened me
so I joined the Navy.

- Couldn't you tell him you'd
pay it all back eventually?

- Ever try to reason with
a guy that's got no neck?


- Schneider, come on.

Grandma just had a lucky guess.

- Of course, that's all it is.

- No, it isn't.

- It is.

- It isn't!

What else do you see there?

Come on!

- Well, um...

I see, did Brownie
live in New York?

- Right! Right!

New Jersey!

See, she's right!


- What right?

She said New York!

- Yeah, well, that's
right next to New Jersey!

They both start with New!

They're both on the East Coast!

The woman is batting 1000!

- Schneider, I really
think you're getting

a little carried away.

- Come on!

You're getting yourself
worked up over nothing.

Grandma has a lucky guess.

She just started
reading tarot cards.


Oh, Mom, I'm sorry.

I'll clean it up.

- I'll help you, honey.

- Grandma had a
lucky guess, huh?

Grandma had a lucky guess?

What color is that ice cream?

- Pistachio.

- It is not!

It's green!


- Oh, come on now.

There's a logical explanation
for this whole thing.

I'm sure there is.

It must have been the only
ice cream in the freezer, right?

- No, there's a
couple other flavors.

I don't know why I picked it.

- But, you couldn't
help yourself, Barbara.

The cards told you to do it.


- Right, you know that?

She really is right!

- [Ann] Oh, come on.

- It's all in the cards.

- Schneider, what
are you worried about?

- What am I worried about?

You know what Brownie's
favorite colors are?

Black and blue.


He's gonna break one
of these, both of these,

and all of these.


With a baseball bat!

Yeah, and then, for his finale,

he's gonna play The Bells
Of St. Mary's on these!


- I don't believe
a word of this!

Mom, for crying out loud,
do you see what you did?

- I just tell what I see,
nothing more, nothing less.

- Ah, give me a break!

- Thank God she warned me.

At least this way, I
can get out of town.

Get out of town!

I already did
that, 25 years ago.

They're gonna get me
no matter where I go.

- Oh, Schneider, come on.

There must be
something you can do.

- I can call the FBI.

I'll call the CIA!

No, the Shah called the CIA.


(telephone ringing)

- Hello?

Hi, Ed.

Look this isn't...

Could I call you
back another time?

No, I really just,
I can't talk now.

No, I mean, I just
can't talk right now.

I'd be glad to...
Hey, Ed, come on.

We've been divorced for a
long time so I really don't need...

This is really dumb.

I'm gonna hang up, okay?


What did you say?

Who the hell do you
think you're talking to?

Yeah, well blow your
out your nose, Cooper!



- Annie, Annie!

I had no idea the argument
was going to be with Ed!


- Argument?

What argument?


- She predicted the argument.

- Now, come on.

Grandma read your past.

It can't happen now.

- Oh, it can't huh?

Let me tell you something.

These guys got
memories like elephants.

Some of them are twice as big.

- Schneider, can't you
pay back the $500 now?

- Ms. Romano, it's
not $500 anymore!

Just for the privilege
of making the loan

you gotta pay him
20 bucks a week and

that doesn't even go
against the principle!

It's been 25 years!

I must owe him $25,000!

- Do you have it?


I got here as fast as I could.

Any change?

- No, Mom!

Schneider's getting worse.

- Schneider has been in his
apartment for three days now.

- Yeah, but he's been his
apartment three days before.

- That was with Boom-Boom
Barowski and a case of bourbon.


- Mom, you have got to
read Schneider's cards again.

Tell him that you
made a mistake,

that everything's
gonna be all right.

- Yeah, tell him that
your deck of cards is

being recalled by Ralph Nader.


- You want me to
lie to Schneider?

- Mom, let me put it this way.



- Annie, I really believe
that I can read the past,

the present, the future!

- Mom, but what if you can't?

Then you're hurting an
innocent, gullible person!

- That's right.

It's really dangerous unless you

really know what you're doing.

- Mom, you're
not really psychic.

Face it, Mom.

Did you ever pick the
right horse in a race, ever?

Or win a football
pool even once?

- Not really.

- See?

Mom, I think that this has
been preying on Schneider's

subconscious for a long time.

All the fear and
guilt he's had about

not paying back the
money all came out

when you mentioned Brownie.

- We're really worried
about Schneider.

He's been acting strange
and is liable to do anything.

- All right, I'll do it.

But, I just hope Countess
Zelda doesn't find out.

- We promise not to tell her.

- Oh, thank you.

- Or Miss Rona.


Let's go pay Schneider a visit.

- Oh wait, I have
to take my cards.


Are you sure he's in there?

- Yes.

- Oh, the secret knock.


One, two, three, four.





- What's that all about?

- Never mind.

- [Schneider] Who's a-knocking
out there to a-come in here?


- It's Ann Romano.

- [Schneider] (speaking
foreign language)


- Schneider, open the door!

It's me, Katherine Romano!

- It's me, too, Schneider.


- [Schneider] How do I know
you all are who you say you are?

- Schneider, who
do you think we are?

Rich Little?


- I'm tall, gorgeous, sexy
as hell and if you don't open

that door I'm gonna
kick you in the slats!



- Are we late for services?

- How's the wine crop this year?

- Forgive them.

They know not what they say.


- It's just a little
disguise to buy me

a little time when
Brownie gets here.

- Schneider, everything
is going to be all right.

We have terrific news.

- That's right.

So, before you take your
final vow, Grandma, tell him.

- Listen, Father, uh, Dwayne.


This whole thing
is a terrible mistake.

I read your cards wrong.

Nothing I said was true.

- What are you giving me?

- Nothing I said counts.

The deck of cards was defective.

- Right!

Schneider, Mom wasn't
playing with a full deck!

- Right!


- Yeah, but what about
Barbara and green?

I saw that with my own eyes!

How do you explain that?

- Come on,
Schneider, it's simple.

I'm a klutz.

I stepped on a pigeon today.

Do you know how hard
it is to step on a pigeon?


- What about your
argument with Ed?

- Oh, Schneider, that
wasn't an argument.

For Ed and me, that was
a pleasant conversation.

- See?

- Yeah, well, what about
Brownie being after me?

- Schneider, think
logically for a minute.

My mother just picked
a name out of the air

and you jumped to conclusions.

- She said Brownie!

- She also said
Buffy and Bowser.

- I did!

- Grandma was talking about
a dog and you went crazy.

- Come on.

You're the one who said
all of this was bunk, a rip-off.

- I'm not sure anymore.

- That's why we want
to read your cards

again with a new deck.

- Again?

- Yeah sure.

Now, see, you
interrupted the last reading

as soon as you heard
the word Brownie.

So, come on.

Let's try it again.

- Listen, I really don't think

I should mess around with that.

- Come on.

You've got nothing to lose.

- Except two arms and a foot.


- There, now.


- What, what?

- Oh, I still see
a little puppy.

It's so cute!

- What color is it?

- It's spotted.


- Gracias, mi Jefe.


- See, Schneider, not brown.

Now, don't you feel foolish?

- Don't mind that.

Go ahead, Katherine.

Read them things some more.

- Oh, well, okay.



- What?


- I think I have to go.

- [Ann] What?

- What did the card say?

- Nothing, it said nothing!

- Well, it has to say something!

- It didn't mean anything.

- What didn't mean anything?

- The death card.




The death card!

That's the death card!

- Mom, are you crazy?

Don't tell Schneider that!

- Don't tell me that!


- Come on, this is
a bad joke, right?

- That's no joke!

That is the death card!

- Stop saying that.

- Grandma, how can you
tell someone right to his face

that you turned
over the death card?

- Right to his face!


- Do you want me
to lie to Schneider?

- Yes!

- Through your teeth!


- But, his life is in danger!

- [All] Don't tell him that!


- I see him getting shot!



No, no!

It's true!

I see it in the cards!

The cards don't lie!

I see Schneider getting shot!

- What am I gonna do?

Where am I gonna go?

- Mom, this is terrible!

You are a fake!

Schneider, the woman is a fake!

That is the most inconsiderate
thing I have ever seen.

- Wait til you see
me get blasted!


Now, wait a second!

Now, hold it!

I'm doing the same
thing to myself!

Stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it!

That's it, that's all.

No more disguises.

If I have a rendezvous
with destiny, so be it.

Que sera, sera!


Just a minute!

I'm cleaning my machine gun!


- [Roberts] Schneider,
it's Burton Roberts in 207.

Can I see you please?

- See?

- Burton Roberts.

What is it?

- Schneider...

Oh, you're gonna go
upstairs and see Miss LaRue?



- Hi.
- Hi.

- Come on, Roberts.

You know the house rules.

No canines, pooches, or
dogs allowed on the premises.

- I know that, Schneider,
but I found this little guy

shivering in the alley.

Couldn't I just keep
him for the night?

My sister promised
to take him tomorrow.


- Yeah, sure.

- He is kind of cute.

Little fellow
shivering in the alley.


- Are you okay?

- Yeah, it's just a scratch.

- I'm sorry.

The dog's a little nervous.

Thanks again, Schneider.


- [Women] Bye!

- Schneider, did the
bite break the skin?

- Yeah, but it's just a scratch.

- Well, just to be
on the safe side,

you should call your
doctor, get a tetanus shot.

- Ah-ha!

You see?

I'm not a fake!

I was right after all!

- What?

- I said I saw him getting shot!

Not what kind of shot!

A tetanus injection is a shot!



- Katherine!

- I don't care what you say!

I can read the cards!

I am psychic!

Who wants to be next?

Madam Rachmaninoff is on a roll!

Come on, get
in line, get in line.


Come on, I'm hot!

I'm hot!


(orchestral theme music).