One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 9 - Alex's First Love - full transcript
Alex has a date and Ann's overprotective instincts return.
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Do your own work!
Eyes on your own paper.
- Schneider, we
are busy working.
Why are you here?
- Didn't you call?
- No.
(phone ringing)
- Must be you now.
(audience laughing)
- Hello.
Yeah, he's here.
- (laughing) They trace
me no matter where I am.
It's a curse.
- It's for Alex.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, it's a girl.
- A girl?
- Yeah, a girl.
You remember them, Adam had one.
(audience laughing)
- Hello?
Oh, hi.
Hold on a sec, okay?
Does everybody have to look?
Thanks.
Hi.
Uh huh, uh huh, yeah.
Okay.
Uh, don't you think it's a
little cold for swimming?
- He's talking to a duck.
(audience laughing)
- Uh huh.
Oh, I'll be right down.
Huh?
That's okay, I guess.
Okay.
See you in a bit, bye.
- Was it important?
- I guess.
- Well, is she anybody
we know, Alex?
- Her name's Joanne.
I think I'm gonna
go brush my teeth.
- Joanne?
Do we know a Joanne who
swims in the middle of winter?
- Well, whoever she
is, the kid's got it bad.
Anytime you brush
your teeth at two
in the afternoon, it's either
love or a day-old burrito.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Schneider,
leave him alone.
Girls are a new
experience for him.
- Girls are always
a new experience.
They're like snowflakes,
no two are alike.
Some are frigid, some are flaky.
(audience laughing)
Some melt faster than others.
Some turn to slush.
- Schneider, can we
get the weather report
another time, please?
- All right, look, Alex,
you've got a new girlfriend.
Her name is Joanne.
It's time you and I
sat down and had
a man to legend talk.
- Alex, you don't have
to answer any questions
about Joanne, and
you don't have to listen
to any advice from
someone named Schneider.
- Is she pretty?
- Pretty, uh, yeah, I
guess she's pretty.
Barbara, are you gonna
wear those weird slippers?
- Yeah, they keep
my weird feet warm.
Why?
- She'll be here any minute.
- How come?
- She called from downstairs.
If my voice cracks,
I'll kill myself.
- Goodbye, Schneider.
- Goodbye, Schneider?
You couldn't blast me
outta here with a bazooka.
- Come here a minute, will ya?
Alex needs privacy and space.
You remember what
it was like with your
first real date.
- Yeah, you're right.
It was awful.
Her name was Olive Bapperatsy.
She ate ice cream
with a spatula.
(audience laughing)
- I really don't want
to hear about this.
- Yeah, listen, hey,
Alex, I'm gonna take off,
you know what I mean?
But don't be nervous.
Please always remember,
don't ever forget,
women put their pants
on one leg at a time
just like everybody else.
Unless they're a mermaid,
then they never take 'em off.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, come on,
don't make a big deal.
It's two young kids
getting together
on a Saturday afternoon.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.
- Well, hello there,
pretty young girl.
- Hello.
- Aren't we a little off the
beaten path for jogging?
- Well, I'm looking
for somebody.
- Should be the
other way around.
- Maybe you know
him, Alex Handris?
- Oh.
- What?
- Nothing, nothing,
don't go away,
and don't change anything.
- Schneider, why are you back?
- I am back because
I want to see the look
on your face when you see
what I got in that hallway.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, Schneider,
don't play games.
Alex's little friend
should arrive any minute.
- Believe me, Ms.
Romano, Alex's little friend
has already arrived.
- Oh, good.
- Come on in, Joanne.
- Hi, is Alex here?
(audience laughing)
- My words exactly.
- Hi, Joanne, hi.
It's real nice to have you here.
Please come in,
Alex is, he's here.
Alex!
Joanne is here!
Please, sit down, Joanne,
anyplace would be fine.
The couch, that's a real good,
how old are you, Joanne?
- Alex and I figured it out
in homeroom the other day.
He's three weeks older than me.
- He's older?
- Sometimes Mother
Nature delivers her
packages a little early.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
I was just telling Miss
Romano and her friend
how we're practically
the same age,
except for three weeks.
- Three weeks, I'm older.
- Yeah, older.
Uh, Schneider, why
don't you run along, huh?
- Yeah, yeah, I will, I promise.
I just, I want to see the
look on one more face.
Yo, Barbara, front
and center wha-tay!
- Now I know what you can get me
for Christmas -
Barbara, this is Joanne.
- That's it, that's
what I wanted to see.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi, Joanne.
- Barbara, Joanne
was telling us that she is
three weeks younger than Alex.
- Younger?
- Yes, ma'am.
- So, want to see my bedroom?
- Yeah.
- No!
What I meant was, Alex,
are you sure it's clean?
- Yeah, I'm sure.
Come on, it's
right through here.
- What are you
worried about, Mom?
- You know damn well
what I'm worried about.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, but it's different now.
He's not your daughter.
He's a boy.
- So?
- Don't you remember
how it goes?
"Beware what a moment
of passion can bring,
"the girl has a baby,
the boy has a fling."
You started telling me
that when I was three.
- Okay, Barbara,
but that's when I had
two girls to raise.
Now, I have a very young
boy to protect, and I feel...
Did you hear what I just said?
- You have a very
young boy to protect.
- (laughs) Yeah, from what?
From a 13-year-old girl.
I mean, I took one
look at that little kid
and decided that she was a...
- Barracuda?
- Maybe.
Actually, she's a very
friendly, very pretty young kid.
I mean, she didn't say one
thing that was out of line.
- She called me ma'am.
(audience laughing)
- Ms. R?
- Yeah?
- Is it okay if Joanne and
I go to a movie tonight?
- Tonight?
Why don't you go
now, it's daylight.
- It's not daylight
inside the show.
- Never hit Mom
with logic like that.
It mixes her up.
- Look, of course
you can go tonight.
Sure, it's... - Oh, terrific.
I'll go home and
change and come back
and pick you up later, Alex.
- Great.
- It's been really
nice meeting you.
- Yeah.
- I'll walk you to the door.
The door, ha
See ya later.
- Bye.
- Alex, what did that
mean when she said
she was gonna pick you up?
Does she drive too?
- No, the show's over that way,
and she lives over this way,
so if I have to pick her up,
I have to go over
this way and come
way back over this way.
But if she picks me up,
all we do is just keep going.
- Aren't you glad you asked?
- I think I'm gonna
go brush my teeth.
(audience laughing)
- You're worried, right?
- Maybe uncomfortable
is a better word.
See, I have the feeling
that Alex is launching
into something that
maybe he's not ready for.
And I don't know how
a boy thinks and feels.
- Would you rather worry
about girls again, Mom?
- Well, at least I'd
be on familiar ground.
- I'm going over to
Mark's place tonight.
Now, he just moved in.
So far, all they
delivered was the bed.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Barbara.
- Anytime, Mom.
- Barbara, you used
to be a girl, right?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, back in the olden days.
- Good.
Um, did you used to
touch a guy all the time?
- Touch?
- Yeah, like this.
No, I'm gonna show you.
Even if she's talkin'
about homework,
she keeps doing this.
Is it okay?
(audience laughing)
- Are we talking about Joanne?
- Uh huh.
- Mom!
Mom!
Can you?
- Yup, I'm comin'.
- Touching, huh, well, Alex,
some people are touchers.
It doesn't really mean anything.
Well, I shouldn't say it
doesn't mean anything.
- Yes!
Barbara's right.
- What did she say?
- Well, some people are
just naturally affectionate,
like Joanne, she touches.
- Am I supposed
to touch her too?
I mean, I feel dumb
just sitting there.
- Well, Alex, you're not a
toucher, so I'd have to say no.
- Uh, yeah, there are
less places on a girl
you're allowed to touch anyway.
(audience laughing)
Okay, what about kissing?
- What about kissing?
- Well, she might
kiss me or something.
She keeps saying
I got great lips.
- Kissing, uh, well,
Alex, uh, kissing's fine,
but you really should be...
No, kissing's fine.
I can't exactly tell
him not to kiss, Mom.
- Right, right, um,
Alex, look, there are
no easy answers here.
I mean, there's no crash
course on kissing and touching.
- Okay, how 'bout talking?
- I'm gonna take
talking, I like that one.
(audience laughing)
Talking's easy.
I mean, all you have
to do is figure out
what she's interested in, and
then just ask her questions.
- About anything but
touching and kissing.
(doorbell rings)
- That's her.
I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
(audience laughing)
- You still worried?
- Only about the wear
and tear on his teeth.
I gotta tell you, I
envy those two kids.
It is such a sweet,
innocent time of life.
- Hi, Is Alex ready?
(audience applauding)
- Hello, could you
tell me what time
the 7:30 movie let out?
- Yeah, okay, thank you.
- [Barbara] Hi.
- Hi.
Home so soon?
- Yeah, Mark and I both
have early days tomorrow.
Besides, his apartment
is almost empty.
I mean, how much time
can you spend on a bed?
(audience laughing)
Mom, you're supposed
to react to that,
what's the matter?
Is it Alex?
How did things go with
Miss Super Sweater?
- I don't know.
He's not home yet.
I was just talking
to the theater.
- Well, look, it's too
early to worry yet.
I mean, she didn't
say in so many words
that she wanted
to have his baby.
- Oh, Barbara, it's not funny.
I just realized a
few minutes ago
that this is the first
day of a lot more of this.
- Look, Mom,
he's a little bit late
getting home from a movie.
Maybe they stopped
for a hamburger.
Besides, Mom, he's a boy.
- Barbara, you wanna
know something weird?
You worry about
them just as much.
I don't know how
to deal with a boy's
emerging sexual curiosity.
And I am too old to take
another walk down puberty lane.
(phone ringing)
Ah, maybe that's Alex.
Hello?
Oh, Mr. Boyer, I'm
real glad you called.
Are the kids there?
Uh, no, no, they're
not here either.
Yeah, I'm real
upset, too, Mr. Boyer,
but look, it's only been an hour
or so since the movie let out,
and maybe they went for
a hamburger or something.
Look, Alex did not
maneuver your daughter
into anything, okay?
Ohh.
Ha ha ha ha
Look, let's play
it like this, okay?
If I hear anything,
I'll call you.
If you hear
anything, you call me.
You obviously have my number.
Goodbye.
The man's an ass.
(audience laughing)
- He actually thought
Alex maneuvered Joanne
into going to a movie?
- Yeah, and you heard me, right?
I defended Alex.
As the mother of two
girls, that is the most
unnatural conversation
I have ever had!
- Look, Mom, what
are you worried about?
Alex's safety or maybe
that he's messing around?
- Worry is worry, Barbara,
and I really hate that
phrase messing around.
It makes everything seem
less important than it is.
How's Mark?
- Speaking of messing around?
- No, just how's Mark?
- He's fine.
- Good.
That's about all my head
can handle right now.
(knocking)
Alex?
- It's Alan Boyer, Mrs.
Romano, Joanne's father.
- Hi.
- Hello.
I don't suppose they're here?
No, I can see they're not.
Okay, where did he take her?
- Ah, they went to a movie.
- Mrs. Romano...
- Ms. Romano.
- Right.
I went by the theater,
which by the way,
let out about two hours ago,
and then I drove
around for a while.
I see you slept through it all.
- Uh, yeah well, I
finally fell asleep.
- Sure, you got a boy.
Mrs. Romano...
- Ms.
- I am trying to raise
Joanne by myself.
Do you have any
idea what it's like
trying to raise a
girl these days?
- Uh ha, yes, as a matter
of fact, I do, Mr. Boyer.
I wrote the book.
I can quote you
chapter and verse
on how to raise...
- Okay, all right,
all right, don't get angry.
We don't have time for it.
Now, where does your
kid take his girlfriends?
I mean, does he have
any special hangouts?
- You bet!
He takes them all to
the Hideaway Motel.
As a 13-year-old delinquent,
he gets special rates!
- I asked you not to get angry.
- Well, then let's stop this
one-sided conversation
before I say something that
I'm really gonna be sorry about.
- One sided?
- Yes, one sided, like
let's check out the boy
and forget about the girl.
- Wait a minute,
is there something
you don't like about Joanne?
- Uh, look, I don't want to
talk about this any more, okay.
We're both upset, so I...
- Hey, come on, now,
you have seen her.
That is the sweetest,
most open, ingenuous,
friendly kid who ever lived!
- Fine, agreed.
Look, I'm real tired, so
why don't you go home...
- You know, I really
hate people who start
an accusation and
then back away from it.
Why don't you finish
what you started, lady?
Or don't you have
the guts for it?
(audience groans)
- [Audience Member]
Let him have it.
- Okay, okay.
Did you happen to
notice what your daughter
was wearing tonight?
- Sure, ah, slacks
and a sweater.
- Un uh, she was
wearing a sex kit.
(audience laughing)
You stuff all of your
parts into something
one size too small, and
then display it to the world.
And if you don't turn
on every male in sight,
money refunded, and
if you have a father
who is too stupid to notice,
you are a very
unlucky young woman.
- A sex kit?
Who the hell do
you think you are
to talk to me like that?
You're making an
innocent 13-year-old girl
sound like some
kind of a barracuda.
- If the fish fits, wear it!
(audience applauding)
- What's going on out here?
- Nothing is going
on out here, Barbara!
I'm standing out here
yelling at a total stranger!
I'm sorry, Mr. Boyer, I am.
I apologize.
I was out of line.
(sighs) Would you like some
coffee while we're waiting?
- Hey look, are you saying I buy
the wrong kind of
clothes for Joanne?
I mean, that outfit
cost me almost $60.
- With or without batteries?
(audience laughing)
I'm Barbara, I'm hers.
- Well, all right then,
you should know.
Joanne says all the
girls wear those outfits.
- Not with the same results.
- Look, the point is, the
kids aren't home, you know.
What are we gonna do about that?
- Okay, oh excuse
me, sir, I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider!
- You must be the father.
Well, all right, I
found the kids.
They're okay.
- Where are they?
- Now, they don't
deserve no punishment,
because they came right
home from the movies
just like they said they would.
They were on the
stairwell, necking.
Just your basic
stuff, necking 101.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, if you
don't tell us where
they are right this
minute, I'm gonna put
a contract out on you.
- Save your stamp.
(audience laughing)
- Who is that?
- Schneider.
- Now, remember,
before you belt 'em,
you used to be
kids once yourself.
Come on in.
I paved the way for ya.
- Thanks, Schneider.
- Alex, do you
realize that it has been
two hours since
that movie let out?
Wipe your mouth.
- You too, Joanne,
wipe your mouth.
- I hope you've learned
your lesson, young lady.
Nice young girls your age do
not go necking on stairwells.
(audience laughing)
- Joanne, turn around.
- Why?
- Just turn around.
Oh boy.
When did this happen?
All right, tomorrow, I am
buying you a new outfit.
- You're kidding?
- No, I'm not, heavy sweatshirt
and some baggy bloomers.
- Baggy bloomers, you
mean harem pants, Daddy?
- No, no, no, I mean baggy
bloomers, maybe a gunny sack.
We'll talk about it.
(audience laughing)
Mrs. Romano,
Ms. Romano, I can't
exactly say I enjoyed
our little talk, but
um, well, I wouldn't
have missed it for the world.
Thanks.
Bye.
- See ya Monday.
Thanks for the popcorn.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(audience laughing)
- I'll make the hot chocolate.
- How come?
- Well, it's a tradition
in our home, Alex.
Whenever we'd get
home from a date,
Mom would make hot
chocolate, and then we'd
sit down and tell
her all about it.
- Okay, let's talk, Alex.
- Are you gonna yell at me?
- It's a distinct possibility.
When I give you a curfew,
I expect it to be obeyed,
and if there's a
problem, I expect a call.
What do I have to do,
sew a dime in your bra
like I did with Barbara?
(audience laughing)
- Mom.
- Look, I'm sorry.
I really am.
I think I'm gonna go to bed now.
- Hold it!
What were you
doing for two hours?
Alex, talk to me.
Alex.
- We were kissing.
- For two hours?
- Kissing goes by very fast.
- Just kissing?
- Well, you know,
kissing and stuff.
Good night.
- Hold it!
Stuff, what do
you mean by stuff?
- Well, you know, just
kissing and fooling around.
Oh no, no, no, not fooling
around, fooling around,
just fooling around.
- Alex, I want you
to know that this has
been one of the
most unsatisfactory
conversations I've ever had.
- Yeah, for me too.
- It's not exactly a
killer from over here.
- Alex, come here.
Listen to me.
Important, I want
you to know that we're
here for you when you need us.
You are very loved
in this house, okay?
Okay?
Now, when we were
talking about kissing
and touching before,
I didn't deal with that
very well, so right now,
we are going to have
a wide open birds and
bees talk that just won't quit.
- Nah, that's okay.
We're way past the birds
and the bees in school.
We're clear up
to social diseases.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, but Alex, those
are the mechanics of sex.
Nobody teaches you
the emotions of sex.
I mean, there's a reason
that kissing goes by so fast.
- Never mind Alex,
explain it to me.
(audience laughing)
- Barbara, you know it's...
- Is it okay if I go to bed now?
- No, sweetheart, it's not okay.
I think it's real important
that we discuss this.
That we really...
Okay, tomorrow.
But tomorrow you are getting
the full treatment,
hot lips, okay?
- Terrific.
I don't want to make a fool
of myself if I ever get married.
Good night.
- Good night, sweetheart.
Sleep good.
- Okay.
- Wa-wa-wa-wait.
Don't you want
your hot chocolate?
- I hate hot chocolate.
Good night, Barb.
- Good night.
- Talk to me, Barbara.
Talk to me like a girl.
Tell me all about your
evening with Mark tonight,
all the little details.
'Cause I have a feeling that my
hot chocolate days are over.
- Okay.
Well, first of all,
kissing goes by real fast.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
(fanfare music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Do your own work!
Eyes on your own paper.
- Schneider, we
are busy working.
Why are you here?
- Didn't you call?
- No.
(phone ringing)
- Must be you now.
(audience laughing)
- Hello.
Yeah, he's here.
- (laughing) They trace
me no matter where I am.
It's a curse.
- It's for Alex.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, it's a girl.
- A girl?
- Yeah, a girl.
You remember them, Adam had one.
(audience laughing)
- Hello?
Oh, hi.
Hold on a sec, okay?
Does everybody have to look?
Thanks.
Hi.
Uh huh, uh huh, yeah.
Okay.
Uh, don't you think it's a
little cold for swimming?
- He's talking to a duck.
(audience laughing)
- Uh huh.
Oh, I'll be right down.
Huh?
That's okay, I guess.
Okay.
See you in a bit, bye.
- Was it important?
- I guess.
- Well, is she anybody
we know, Alex?
- Her name's Joanne.
I think I'm gonna
go brush my teeth.
- Joanne?
Do we know a Joanne who
swims in the middle of winter?
- Well, whoever she
is, the kid's got it bad.
Anytime you brush
your teeth at two
in the afternoon, it's either
love or a day-old burrito.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Schneider,
leave him alone.
Girls are a new
experience for him.
- Girls are always
a new experience.
They're like snowflakes,
no two are alike.
Some are frigid, some are flaky.
(audience laughing)
Some melt faster than others.
Some turn to slush.
- Schneider, can we
get the weather report
another time, please?
- All right, look, Alex,
you've got a new girlfriend.
Her name is Joanne.
It's time you and I
sat down and had
a man to legend talk.
- Alex, you don't have
to answer any questions
about Joanne, and
you don't have to listen
to any advice from
someone named Schneider.
- Is she pretty?
- Pretty, uh, yeah, I
guess she's pretty.
Barbara, are you gonna
wear those weird slippers?
- Yeah, they keep
my weird feet warm.
Why?
- She'll be here any minute.
- How come?
- She called from downstairs.
If my voice cracks,
I'll kill myself.
- Goodbye, Schneider.
- Goodbye, Schneider?
You couldn't blast me
outta here with a bazooka.
- Come here a minute, will ya?
Alex needs privacy and space.
You remember what
it was like with your
first real date.
- Yeah, you're right.
It was awful.
Her name was Olive Bapperatsy.
She ate ice cream
with a spatula.
(audience laughing)
- I really don't want
to hear about this.
- Yeah, listen, hey,
Alex, I'm gonna take off,
you know what I mean?
But don't be nervous.
Please always remember,
don't ever forget,
women put their pants
on one leg at a time
just like everybody else.
Unless they're a mermaid,
then they never take 'em off.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, come on,
don't make a big deal.
It's two young kids
getting together
on a Saturday afternoon.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.
- Well, hello there,
pretty young girl.
- Hello.
- Aren't we a little off the
beaten path for jogging?
- Well, I'm looking
for somebody.
- Should be the
other way around.
- Maybe you know
him, Alex Handris?
- Oh.
- What?
- Nothing, nothing,
don't go away,
and don't change anything.
- Schneider, why are you back?
- I am back because
I want to see the look
on your face when you see
what I got in that hallway.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, Schneider,
don't play games.
Alex's little friend
should arrive any minute.
- Believe me, Ms.
Romano, Alex's little friend
has already arrived.
- Oh, good.
- Come on in, Joanne.
- Hi, is Alex here?
(audience laughing)
- My words exactly.
- Hi, Joanne, hi.
It's real nice to have you here.
Please come in,
Alex is, he's here.
Alex!
Joanne is here!
Please, sit down, Joanne,
anyplace would be fine.
The couch, that's a real good,
how old are you, Joanne?
- Alex and I figured it out
in homeroom the other day.
He's three weeks older than me.
- He's older?
- Sometimes Mother
Nature delivers her
packages a little early.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
I was just telling Miss
Romano and her friend
how we're practically
the same age,
except for three weeks.
- Three weeks, I'm older.
- Yeah, older.
Uh, Schneider, why
don't you run along, huh?
- Yeah, yeah, I will, I promise.
I just, I want to see the
look on one more face.
Yo, Barbara, front
and center wha-tay!
- Now I know what you can get me
for Christmas -
Barbara, this is Joanne.
- That's it, that's
what I wanted to see.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi, Joanne.
- Barbara, Joanne
was telling us that she is
three weeks younger than Alex.
- Younger?
- Yes, ma'am.
- So, want to see my bedroom?
- Yeah.
- No!
What I meant was, Alex,
are you sure it's clean?
- Yeah, I'm sure.
Come on, it's
right through here.
- What are you
worried about, Mom?
- You know damn well
what I'm worried about.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, but it's different now.
He's not your daughter.
He's a boy.
- So?
- Don't you remember
how it goes?
"Beware what a moment
of passion can bring,
"the girl has a baby,
the boy has a fling."
You started telling me
that when I was three.
- Okay, Barbara,
but that's when I had
two girls to raise.
Now, I have a very young
boy to protect, and I feel...
Did you hear what I just said?
- You have a very
young boy to protect.
- (laughs) Yeah, from what?
From a 13-year-old girl.
I mean, I took one
look at that little kid
and decided that she was a...
- Barracuda?
- Maybe.
Actually, she's a very
friendly, very pretty young kid.
I mean, she didn't say one
thing that was out of line.
- She called me ma'am.
(audience laughing)
- Ms. R?
- Yeah?
- Is it okay if Joanne and
I go to a movie tonight?
- Tonight?
Why don't you go
now, it's daylight.
- It's not daylight
inside the show.
- Never hit Mom
with logic like that.
It mixes her up.
- Look, of course
you can go tonight.
Sure, it's... - Oh, terrific.
I'll go home and
change and come back
and pick you up later, Alex.
- Great.
- It's been really
nice meeting you.
- Yeah.
- I'll walk you to the door.
The door, ha
See ya later.
- Bye.
- Alex, what did that
mean when she said
she was gonna pick you up?
Does she drive too?
- No, the show's over that way,
and she lives over this way,
so if I have to pick her up,
I have to go over
this way and come
way back over this way.
But if she picks me up,
all we do is just keep going.
- Aren't you glad you asked?
- I think I'm gonna
go brush my teeth.
(audience laughing)
- You're worried, right?
- Maybe uncomfortable
is a better word.
See, I have the feeling
that Alex is launching
into something that
maybe he's not ready for.
And I don't know how
a boy thinks and feels.
- Would you rather worry
about girls again, Mom?
- Well, at least I'd
be on familiar ground.
- I'm going over to
Mark's place tonight.
Now, he just moved in.
So far, all they
delivered was the bed.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Barbara.
- Anytime, Mom.
- Barbara, you used
to be a girl, right?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, back in the olden days.
- Good.
Um, did you used to
touch a guy all the time?
- Touch?
- Yeah, like this.
No, I'm gonna show you.
Even if she's talkin'
about homework,
she keeps doing this.
Is it okay?
(audience laughing)
- Are we talking about Joanne?
- Uh huh.
- Mom!
Mom!
Can you?
- Yup, I'm comin'.
- Touching, huh, well, Alex,
some people are touchers.
It doesn't really mean anything.
Well, I shouldn't say it
doesn't mean anything.
- Yes!
Barbara's right.
- What did she say?
- Well, some people are
just naturally affectionate,
like Joanne, she touches.
- Am I supposed
to touch her too?
I mean, I feel dumb
just sitting there.
- Well, Alex, you're not a
toucher, so I'd have to say no.
- Uh, yeah, there are
less places on a girl
you're allowed to touch anyway.
(audience laughing)
Okay, what about kissing?
- What about kissing?
- Well, she might
kiss me or something.
She keeps saying
I got great lips.
- Kissing, uh, well,
Alex, uh, kissing's fine,
but you really should be...
No, kissing's fine.
I can't exactly tell
him not to kiss, Mom.
- Right, right, um,
Alex, look, there are
no easy answers here.
I mean, there's no crash
course on kissing and touching.
- Okay, how 'bout talking?
- I'm gonna take
talking, I like that one.
(audience laughing)
Talking's easy.
I mean, all you have
to do is figure out
what she's interested in, and
then just ask her questions.
- About anything but
touching and kissing.
(doorbell rings)
- That's her.
I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
(audience laughing)
- You still worried?
- Only about the wear
and tear on his teeth.
I gotta tell you, I
envy those two kids.
It is such a sweet,
innocent time of life.
- Hi, Is Alex ready?
(audience applauding)
- Hello, could you
tell me what time
the 7:30 movie let out?
- Yeah, okay, thank you.
- [Barbara] Hi.
- Hi.
Home so soon?
- Yeah, Mark and I both
have early days tomorrow.
Besides, his apartment
is almost empty.
I mean, how much time
can you spend on a bed?
(audience laughing)
Mom, you're supposed
to react to that,
what's the matter?
Is it Alex?
How did things go with
Miss Super Sweater?
- I don't know.
He's not home yet.
I was just talking
to the theater.
- Well, look, it's too
early to worry yet.
I mean, she didn't
say in so many words
that she wanted
to have his baby.
- Oh, Barbara, it's not funny.
I just realized a
few minutes ago
that this is the first
day of a lot more of this.
- Look, Mom,
he's a little bit late
getting home from a movie.
Maybe they stopped
for a hamburger.
Besides, Mom, he's a boy.
- Barbara, you wanna
know something weird?
You worry about
them just as much.
I don't know how
to deal with a boy's
emerging sexual curiosity.
And I am too old to take
another walk down puberty lane.
(phone ringing)
Ah, maybe that's Alex.
Hello?
Oh, Mr. Boyer, I'm
real glad you called.
Are the kids there?
Uh, no, no, they're
not here either.
Yeah, I'm real
upset, too, Mr. Boyer,
but look, it's only been an hour
or so since the movie let out,
and maybe they went for
a hamburger or something.
Look, Alex did not
maneuver your daughter
into anything, okay?
Ohh.
Ha ha ha ha
Look, let's play
it like this, okay?
If I hear anything,
I'll call you.
If you hear
anything, you call me.
You obviously have my number.
Goodbye.
The man's an ass.
(audience laughing)
- He actually thought
Alex maneuvered Joanne
into going to a movie?
- Yeah, and you heard me, right?
I defended Alex.
As the mother of two
girls, that is the most
unnatural conversation
I have ever had!
- Look, Mom, what
are you worried about?
Alex's safety or maybe
that he's messing around?
- Worry is worry, Barbara,
and I really hate that
phrase messing around.
It makes everything seem
less important than it is.
How's Mark?
- Speaking of messing around?
- No, just how's Mark?
- He's fine.
- Good.
That's about all my head
can handle right now.
(knocking)
Alex?
- It's Alan Boyer, Mrs.
Romano, Joanne's father.
- Hi.
- Hello.
I don't suppose they're here?
No, I can see they're not.
Okay, where did he take her?
- Ah, they went to a movie.
- Mrs. Romano...
- Ms. Romano.
- Right.
I went by the theater,
which by the way,
let out about two hours ago,
and then I drove
around for a while.
I see you slept through it all.
- Uh, yeah well, I
finally fell asleep.
- Sure, you got a boy.
Mrs. Romano...
- Ms.
- I am trying to raise
Joanne by myself.
Do you have any
idea what it's like
trying to raise a
girl these days?
- Uh ha, yes, as a matter
of fact, I do, Mr. Boyer.
I wrote the book.
I can quote you
chapter and verse
on how to raise...
- Okay, all right,
all right, don't get angry.
We don't have time for it.
Now, where does your
kid take his girlfriends?
I mean, does he have
any special hangouts?
- You bet!
He takes them all to
the Hideaway Motel.
As a 13-year-old delinquent,
he gets special rates!
- I asked you not to get angry.
- Well, then let's stop this
one-sided conversation
before I say something that
I'm really gonna be sorry about.
- One sided?
- Yes, one sided, like
let's check out the boy
and forget about the girl.
- Wait a minute,
is there something
you don't like about Joanne?
- Uh, look, I don't want to
talk about this any more, okay.
We're both upset, so I...
- Hey, come on, now,
you have seen her.
That is the sweetest,
most open, ingenuous,
friendly kid who ever lived!
- Fine, agreed.
Look, I'm real tired, so
why don't you go home...
- You know, I really
hate people who start
an accusation and
then back away from it.
Why don't you finish
what you started, lady?
Or don't you have
the guts for it?
(audience groans)
- [Audience Member]
Let him have it.
- Okay, okay.
Did you happen to
notice what your daughter
was wearing tonight?
- Sure, ah, slacks
and a sweater.
- Un uh, she was
wearing a sex kit.
(audience laughing)
You stuff all of your
parts into something
one size too small, and
then display it to the world.
And if you don't turn
on every male in sight,
money refunded, and
if you have a father
who is too stupid to notice,
you are a very
unlucky young woman.
- A sex kit?
Who the hell do
you think you are
to talk to me like that?
You're making an
innocent 13-year-old girl
sound like some
kind of a barracuda.
- If the fish fits, wear it!
(audience applauding)
- What's going on out here?
- Nothing is going
on out here, Barbara!
I'm standing out here
yelling at a total stranger!
I'm sorry, Mr. Boyer, I am.
I apologize.
I was out of line.
(sighs) Would you like some
coffee while we're waiting?
- Hey look, are you saying I buy
the wrong kind of
clothes for Joanne?
I mean, that outfit
cost me almost $60.
- With or without batteries?
(audience laughing)
I'm Barbara, I'm hers.
- Well, all right then,
you should know.
Joanne says all the
girls wear those outfits.
- Not with the same results.
- Look, the point is, the
kids aren't home, you know.
What are we gonna do about that?
- Okay, oh excuse
me, sir, I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider!
- You must be the father.
Well, all right, I
found the kids.
They're okay.
- Where are they?
- Now, they don't
deserve no punishment,
because they came right
home from the movies
just like they said they would.
They were on the
stairwell, necking.
Just your basic
stuff, necking 101.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, if you
don't tell us where
they are right this
minute, I'm gonna put
a contract out on you.
- Save your stamp.
(audience laughing)
- Who is that?
- Schneider.
- Now, remember,
before you belt 'em,
you used to be
kids once yourself.
Come on in.
I paved the way for ya.
- Thanks, Schneider.
- Alex, do you
realize that it has been
two hours since
that movie let out?
Wipe your mouth.
- You too, Joanne,
wipe your mouth.
- I hope you've learned
your lesson, young lady.
Nice young girls your age do
not go necking on stairwells.
(audience laughing)
- Joanne, turn around.
- Why?
- Just turn around.
Oh boy.
When did this happen?
All right, tomorrow, I am
buying you a new outfit.
- You're kidding?
- No, I'm not, heavy sweatshirt
and some baggy bloomers.
- Baggy bloomers, you
mean harem pants, Daddy?
- No, no, no, I mean baggy
bloomers, maybe a gunny sack.
We'll talk about it.
(audience laughing)
Mrs. Romano,
Ms. Romano, I can't
exactly say I enjoyed
our little talk, but
um, well, I wouldn't
have missed it for the world.
Thanks.
Bye.
- See ya Monday.
Thanks for the popcorn.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(audience laughing)
- I'll make the hot chocolate.
- How come?
- Well, it's a tradition
in our home, Alex.
Whenever we'd get
home from a date,
Mom would make hot
chocolate, and then we'd
sit down and tell
her all about it.
- Okay, let's talk, Alex.
- Are you gonna yell at me?
- It's a distinct possibility.
When I give you a curfew,
I expect it to be obeyed,
and if there's a
problem, I expect a call.
What do I have to do,
sew a dime in your bra
like I did with Barbara?
(audience laughing)
- Mom.
- Look, I'm sorry.
I really am.
I think I'm gonna go to bed now.
- Hold it!
What were you
doing for two hours?
Alex, talk to me.
Alex.
- We were kissing.
- For two hours?
- Kissing goes by very fast.
- Just kissing?
- Well, you know,
kissing and stuff.
Good night.
- Hold it!
Stuff, what do
you mean by stuff?
- Well, you know, just
kissing and fooling around.
Oh no, no, no, not fooling
around, fooling around,
just fooling around.
- Alex, I want you
to know that this has
been one of the
most unsatisfactory
conversations I've ever had.
- Yeah, for me too.
- It's not exactly a
killer from over here.
- Alex, come here.
Listen to me.
Important, I want
you to know that we're
here for you when you need us.
You are very loved
in this house, okay?
Okay?
Now, when we were
talking about kissing
and touching before,
I didn't deal with that
very well, so right now,
we are going to have
a wide open birds and
bees talk that just won't quit.
- Nah, that's okay.
We're way past the birds
and the bees in school.
We're clear up
to social diseases.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, but Alex, those
are the mechanics of sex.
Nobody teaches you
the emotions of sex.
I mean, there's a reason
that kissing goes by so fast.
- Never mind Alex,
explain it to me.
(audience laughing)
- Barbara, you know it's...
- Is it okay if I go to bed now?
- No, sweetheart, it's not okay.
I think it's real important
that we discuss this.
That we really...
Okay, tomorrow.
But tomorrow you are getting
the full treatment,
hot lips, okay?
- Terrific.
I don't want to make a fool
of myself if I ever get married.
Good night.
- Good night, sweetheart.
Sleep good.
- Okay.
- Wa-wa-wa-wait.
Don't you want
your hot chocolate?
- I hate hot chocolate.
Good night, Barb.
- Good night.
- Talk to me, Barbara.
Talk to me like a girl.
Tell me all about your
evening with Mark tonight,
all the little details.
'Cause I have a feeling that my
hot chocolate days are over.
- Okay.
Well, first of all,
kissing goes by real fast.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
(fanfare music)