One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 8 - Plain Favorite - full transcript
♪ This is it.
♪ This is it.
♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball.
♪ This is it.
♪ This is it.
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all.
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view.
♪ Keep on doing what you do.
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ So up on your feet.
♪ Up on your feet.
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing.
♪ Don't you worry none
we'll just take it like it comes.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah.
♪ One day at at time.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah.
♪ One day at at time.
- Hi.
- Hi, honey.
- Hmm, what smells so good.
- Oh, it's just a
little somethin'
I'm whipping up
for cousin Sophie.
- Garlic bread.
- Um-hmm.
- Salad.
- With this.
- Manicotti?
(laughing)
- Strawberry
chocolate shortcake?
Just something you're
whipping up, huh?
- Yeah, well see I
haven't seen Sophie since
oh god, since we
moved to Indianapolis.
And when she was a little girl,
I remembered this was
her second favorite dinner.
- Okay, I'll bite.
What was her favorite?
- Peanut butter and
banana sandwich.
(audience laughing)
- Hmm, peanut butter
and banana sandwich.
Finally we're having
some real food around here.
(audience laughing)
- Is everybody decent?
- Yes, the orgy's
been over for hours.
(audience laughing)
- I wouldn't want
to shock my date.
Come on in Maxine.
- Oh! Hi everybody!
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Boy, have you got
a lot of growin' to do.
(audience laughing)
- I'm sorry...
- Ms. Romano, Barbara, Alex,
I'd like you to meet
Maxine Meaps.
(audience laughing)
Known to one and
all as Heaps of Meaps.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Schneider did you
come up to fix the outlet?
- No, actually I'm here to model
the latest fashions
from Black & Decker.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you're not
going to fix the outlet?
- Well yeah, sure I'm gonna.
But that was just a joke.
- Oh. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
I just love jokes.
Go ahead.
Finish it.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Schneider.
You have a date obviously
so you can do
this any other time.
- No I think I'd better
fix that outlet right now
because it could be dangerous.
- Where's the
little girl's room?
I'm on this watermelon diet.
(audience laughing)
- It's right back there.
- Oh, thank you.
- She's sure pretty Schneider.
- Thanks a lot kid but
looks ain't that important.
It's what in the
soul that counts.
(audience laughing)
Listen, Alex
go on over the fuse box there
and when I tell ya,
yeah, trip number three, okay?
- Okay.
- Alright, go ahead.
- Okay.
(breaker clicking)
- Schneider it's been working.
It just smells kinda funny.
- Yeah, well either
you got a bad wire
or a fried cockroach inside.
(audience laughing)
- A ha.
Listen, where are you and
your lady friend going Schneider?
Or shouldn't we ask?
- Well actually I'm taking her
over the other side of town.
We're gonna do some bowling.
I'm trying to keep
her under wraps.
Let me tell ya,
it's kinda difficult.
See I want to save her
for the annual lodge dance.
I got a terrific
reputation over there
for bringing gorgeous
dates, you know?
I mean, some of the guys
call me John Darageast.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Barbara,
you got to drive
me to the library.
- Oh.
(doorbell ringing)
- Ooh, that must be Sophie.
- Sophie, who?
- Uh, Degillio, you know,
my cousin from Logansport,
you brought the bed
up for her, remember?
- [Barbara] Sophie.
- Barbara?
This is little Barbara?
(both exclaiming happily)
Man I gotta get your recipes.
- Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Oh, it's been too long.
- Much too long, really.
- Hi.
- Well, hello.
Who are you?
- This is Alex Handris.
- Oh hi Alex.
I'm real glad to meet ya.
Ann wrote me about you.
- Oh.
- Uh ha.
I would like you to
meet our superintendent,
Dwayne Schneider.
- Oh sure, hi.
Ann wrote me about you too.
- Oh, something nice I hope.
- Uh, let me think.
Yeah, there was something nice.
(Schneider and
audience laughing)
- How are you?
Woah, good grip.
Good grip, big feet.
(audience laughing)
- Sophie I gotta take
Alex to the library
but we'll be right back, okay?
- Yeah, it was nice meeting you.
- Look Sophie, I'm
gonna put your bag
in Barbara's room, okay?
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- What are you working on?
- A little problem
here with the outlet.
- Smells like you
either got a bad wire
or a fried cockroach.
(audience laughing)
My grandfather
was an electrician.
He was full of all
those old wheezes.
(audience laughing)
- Let me ah, let
me have the pliers.
- Sure.
Needle nose or your pug?
- How'd you know that?
- My folks ran a hardware store.
- Sheesh.
Your grandfather's
an electrician.
Your folks owned
a hardware store.
I suppose you're
gonna tell me now
that your uncle owned a saloon.
- Hah.
No such luck.
He runs a brewery.
(audience laughing)
- Sorry I took so long.
My heel got caught
in my pantyhose.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Sophie I would
like you to meet
Maxine Heaps.
- Meaps.
- Meaps, uh.
Friend of Schneider's.
- Hello Maxine.
- Hi.
Hey Schneider, we gotta go.
- Oh yeah.
Yeah, okay.
This is fixed now.
The wire was arcing.
Just flip number
four, it'll be fine.
- Okay, thanks Schneider.
- Okay, kid.
Let's split.
- Don't forget your tool purse.
(audience laughing)
- How many teeth
in a hacksaw blade?
- 24 per inch.
Or, 32 depending upon the job.
- Hey Schneider, can't
we go to a piano bar?
I don't like bowling.
I always tip over.
(audience laughing)
- Maxine, would you
do me a favor dear
and go out to the elevator
and push the button?
- Up?
Or down? (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Down.
(laughing)
- Okey dokey.
Oh, bye!
- [Ann] Bye!
- Would you like to go
bowling tomorrow night?
- You think I'd accept a date
while you're on one with her?
- Oh yeah, I'm sorry.
Of course you wouldn't.
- Shows what you know.
(audience laughing)
- Pick you up at seven?
(audience laughing)
- [Schneider] Ahem!
Ahem!
- You're gonna wake them up,
they're sleeping.
- Of course they're sleeping.
I'm gonna wake 'em up too.
Don't you understand somethin'?
See something you
don't understand, see?
Women living alone.
You close a door softly,
they think burglar.
They come out
here, they mace ya.
Now you wanna
kiss a man goodnight
who's been maced?
- Actually it's been
one of my better tactics.
- Why I... (audience laughing)
- Ooh, what is all
the noise out here?
- It's my clutsy
date. (laughing)
- Hey, well well look
who's finally home.
- Ms. Romano, Barbara,
I want to ask you a very
important question, okay?
Will a bowling ball float?
(audience laughing)
- What?
- See I told you they
weren't interested in science.
Come on, let's sit down.
(laughing)
- Look at you two.
Where've you been?
- You won't believe it.
I told Dwayne I love
the smell of fresh pine.
- Oh, so he took
you to the lake.
- He took me to his
favorite lumber yard.
(audience laughing)
Not every man
would think of that.
- I want you to know Sophie that
from now on, that'll
be our lumber yard.
(audience laughing)
I wouldn't take
another woman there.
- Ah.
- Have you two been drinking?
- Nah!
- No. (laughing)
- No, you can't drink
when you're trying
to float a bowling ball.
(laughing)
- Right, at the lumber yard.
- No silly.
At the lake.
- Excuse me.
How did we get to the lake?
- It was a full moon.
He was trying to seduce me.
(gasping)
(audience laughing)
- I was not!
(laughing)
Besides,
before we could
get back to first base,
she makes this dumb bet.
Five dollars that a
bowling ball will float.
So I make the bet.
I win the bet.
Lose my favorite bowling ball.
(audience laughing)
- I gotta change my feet.
I'm squishing.
I was squishing along on...
- I tell ya.
She's really a nice lady.
Okay, so she's no raving beauty,
but we really had a lot of fun.
- Good.
- Yeah, you know.
Terrific looks, they
ain't all that important.
- Schneider what's the point?
- My point is that
I'm considering
not asking Maxine
and taking Sophie to
the annual lodge dance.
What's happening to me?
What's happening to
my sense of values?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, anybody
else want a six pack?
- You can finish it all.
- Hey, Schneider,
I saw that chick Cheryl that
you was out with last week.
Hey fellas, she has
got to be numero uno in
the Dwayne F.
Schneider hall of fame.
(audience laughing)
- Are you kidding?
You're gonna put her in
front of boom boom Verosky?
Boom boom Verosky
is way out in front.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, William.
What about the
dance in '73 when he
brought Mona the meter maid?
Ah, Schneider.
I don't know how you do it.
- I'd just love to
have your rejects.
- Sorry.
Warren Beatty gets those.
(audience laughing)
- Ante up.
- Alright, so I happen to
have a lot of god given talent.
- I'll take three.
- I mean with
Beethoven, it was music.
- I'll take dos.
- With Einstein, it was physics.
- Two.
- With me, it happens
to be la femme.
(audience laughing)
Dealer takes
uno.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.
- Who you bringing this year?
- Yeah, who is it?
- I'm still casting.
You know fellas,
a woman is a lot more
than just a pretty face.
- You're not kidding.
(laughing)
- I mean, a great
figure is nice,
but it ain't everything.
(laughing)
Ooh, I wonder who that could be.
Come in please.
Ah, Sophie.
Hey, how are ya there?
I'd like you to meet the guys.
This here's Beer
Belly, Roscoe, Ralph.
- Hi.
- How you do?
- This is Sophie Digillio.
It's Ann Romano's cousin.
- Hi fellas.
- Hey, look what she brought.
Food.
- Yeah, it's a pastrami
and roast beef and salami.
And here's yours Schneider,
just what you ordered.
Peanut butter
and a pair of Aces.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- You're alright Sophie.
- Oh yeah?
Well anything for
Schneider's pigeons.
(audience laughing)
Guys, use another player?
- Oh well actually Sophie,
this is kind of a
cut throat game.
You know, as you can see,
we got a couple a card sharks
and a killer walrus.
(audience laughing)
- What are you guys playing?
Five card stud?
Hi low?
Down the river?
- Where'd you learn those games?
- During the winter
in Logansport,
there are only two things to do
and I really hate shooting elk.
(laughing)
- Look, Sophie.
This ain't penny ante poker.
I think maybe the
stakes might be
a little bit too high for ya.
- I got $120 upstairs.
I don't know what to do with.
(audience laughing)
I'll be right back.
I gotta get my money
and my green eyeshade.
- She's really something, ah?
- Nice personality.
- Yeah, she's like
one of the boys.
(audience clapping)
- Boy, this is almost
as good as my room.
(audience laughing)
- I had a couple of
the guys over last night.
Gave 'em a few lessons
on how to play poker.
- Yeah, I heard.
Sophie's taking us
all out to dinner tonight
on the 83 bucks you dropped.
(audience laughing)
- Wasn't the only guy that lost.
She took Beer Belly
for a bundle too.
- You know, I really like her.
She's a neat lady.
- Mm, I know what you mean.
(audience laughing)
She's kinda like
one of the boys.
- Ah, you mean like
Kathleen Taufler.
- Who's Kathleen?
That your girlfriend?
- You kidding?
She's our shortstop.
She's a great infielder.
But we wouldn't want
to fool around with her.
Not like with Joanne Boyer.
- Joanne?
- She a real knockout?
- Oh yeah.
She's already dating
guys in the ninth grade.
(audience laughing)
- Listen, let me
ask you a question.
If there was a big
party coming up.
You know, like a
Halloween party,
which one would
you take to the party?
I mean, the shortstop
or this Joanne?
- Halloween party?
- Yeah.
- I don't know, I guess
I'd take the shortstop.
- You would?
- [Alex] Um-hmm.
- How come?
- Well, she's a lot of fun.
And she'd be wearing a mask.
(audience laughing)
- We don't get fresh
string beans around here
unless Grandma comes over.
- I know.
Schneider likes 'em.
- You're on a
campaign, aren't ya?
- Shows, huh?
- Only when you
talk about Schneider.
- I hope I don't scare him.
- Sophie, do you really deep
inside like him that much?
- Yep.
I mean I think I do.
- Honey you know
that you are not
the only woman in his life.
- Oh he's been real
honest about that.
We had a long talk
about his relationships.
Boy, was it long.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Sophie.
Doesn't that bother you?
- Would you believe
me if I said no?
- Uh-uh.
- He did.
And I think he's gonna
ask me to his lodge dance.
- That's a biggie.
I'm very impressed.
(laughing)
- I feel like some kind
of college kid waiting
for a boy to give me his pin.
- Sophie, word to the wise.
At Schneider's lodge,
being pinned means
both shoulders to the mat.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
(snoring)
(audience laughing)
(snoring)
(audience laughing)
(snoring)
(audience laughing)
(snoring)
- Barbara?
You awake?
(snoring) (audience laughing)
Barbara?
You awake?
(snoring) (audience laughing)
Barbara!
Are you awake?
- Yes, yes!
- Good I'm glad
I didn't wake you.
(audience laughing)
- No, that's okay.
I was dozing.
- Dozing?
You were snoring.
- I don't snore.
(audience laughing)
- We used to
always call it snoring.
- I do not snore.
- Fine, you don't snore.
Listen, is Sophie here?
- Uh, no.
She went shopping.
- Let me ask you a question.
Like the way Sophie
does her hair?
- Yeah, yeah I do.
Why, don't you?
- Well yeah, I do.
I just thought that you know,
she might want
to do a little more
bouffant.
(audience laughing)
- I thought you
liked the way she is?
- Well I do, you know.
But like hairstyles,
they change so quick.
I thought maybe she might
want to get a little more
aclarante.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider are
you gonna take her
to the lodge dance or not?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean
you don't know?
You said that you
were gonna ask her.
- I said I was thinking
about asking her.
I don't know if
it's a good idea.
- Why not?
- Well because
those lodge dances,
they can get very
rough you know.
Last year they had to
call in a SWAT team.
(audience laughing)
Just to park cars.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, give me a break.
She's not exactly fragile.
You've taken
her hiking, fishing,
and to your favorite
sawmill at the lumber yard.
Okay, so she's not like
every other date you've...
That's it, isn't it?
She's not flashy enough for you.
- Oh, would you please?
I would like to take Sophie
to the lodge dance very much.
- I don't believe that.
I don't believe that anymore
than I believe I snore.
You know, Sophie's probably
the nicest woman
you'll ever take out.
- Let's get something
straight, alright?
You snore!
(audience laughing)
You don't know you're snoring
cause you're asleep
when you're snoring,
but you snore!
(audience laughing)
- I said, Sophie is probably one
of the nicest women
you'll ever take out.
- I heard you.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Schneider's thinking
of taking someone else
to the lodge dance.
- Oh?
- Well you know,
Sophie is such a lady.
And the lodge is just, you know,
it's a lot of
ruffians, you know.
- That's pure bull.
- You're not as nice
as you used to be.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- I thought you liked Sophie.
- I do.
- Ah, I know.
She's not flashy enough for you,
is that what it is?
(audience laughing)
- Would you two with
the flashes, please?!
I haven't made up my mind.
- I thought you said
that you and Sophie
had found something
kinda special together?
- The other night we
were over at the park.
And we were holding hands.
And she made me
look up at the Milky Way
and she picked out a
star for me. (laughing)
That's not easy, you know?
I mean there's
a hundred zillion,
oh, that one?
No, no that one.
Oh no, that... Yeah,
that's a winner.
(audience laughing)
I mean, I've been looking
up at the stars all my life.
Nobody ever picked
out a star for me.
My very own star.
(accordion music)
- How long have
they been in the can?
- I don't know.
Maybe 20 minutes.
- How come you take
your wife any place,
the first place she
goes for is the can?
(audience laughing)
- I don't know.
- Roscoe, Belly, here
comes Schneider.
- Who did he bring?
- I don't believe it.
(audience gasping)
- [Belly] Gee willikens.
- [Roscoe] Holy smoke.
- Hi guys.
- Hi.
- Aren't ya gonna introduce us?
- Think you can stand it?
- Gents, I'd like you
to meet Maxine Meaps.
- How do you do?
- Hi.
- Hi.
(audience laughing)
- Beauty and brains, too.
(audience laughing)
- Would you like some punch?
- Oh, love some!
- I'll show you where it is.
- Excuse us.
Oh, thanks.
- Later on Heaps.
- Oh, Schneider,
she's the cream de la cream.
- Beer Belly?
Where's Roscoe?
- Oh, he went that a way.
- Roscoe.
Come back here.
(audience laughing)
- You know Schneider,
you may be my best
pal, but to this lodge,
you're Hugh Hefner.
(audience laughing)
- I gotta tell ya Belly.
I love you and the guys.
And I love this lodge.
(together)
- Eeno, Eeno, Whack, whacky do.
(audience laughing)
(accordion and soft big
band style dance music)
(audience laughing)
(clearing throat)
- Hi there, Ms. Romano.
Oh yeah, it's going
gangbusters down here, yeah.
Listen, let me speak to Sophie.
Oh, when did she leave?
I didn't even know that.
I never got a chance to say
goodbye, have a nice trip.
Yeah.
Yeah, I will.
Okay, I'll see you later.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
("One Day at Time" theme
music saxophone instrumental)
♪ This is it.
♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball.
♪ This is it.
♪ This is it.
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all.
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view.
♪ Keep on doing what you do.
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ So up on your feet.
♪ Up on your feet.
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing.
♪ Don't you worry none
we'll just take it like it comes.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah.
♪ One day at at time.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ One day at a time.
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah.
♪ One day at at time.
- Hi.
- Hi, honey.
- Hmm, what smells so good.
- Oh, it's just a
little somethin'
I'm whipping up
for cousin Sophie.
- Garlic bread.
- Um-hmm.
- Salad.
- With this.
- Manicotti?
(laughing)
- Strawberry
chocolate shortcake?
Just something you're
whipping up, huh?
- Yeah, well see I
haven't seen Sophie since
oh god, since we
moved to Indianapolis.
And when she was a little girl,
I remembered this was
her second favorite dinner.
- Okay, I'll bite.
What was her favorite?
- Peanut butter and
banana sandwich.
(audience laughing)
- Hmm, peanut butter
and banana sandwich.
Finally we're having
some real food around here.
(audience laughing)
- Is everybody decent?
- Yes, the orgy's
been over for hours.
(audience laughing)
- I wouldn't want
to shock my date.
Come on in Maxine.
- Oh! Hi everybody!
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Boy, have you got
a lot of growin' to do.
(audience laughing)
- I'm sorry...
- Ms. Romano, Barbara, Alex,
I'd like you to meet
Maxine Meaps.
(audience laughing)
Known to one and
all as Heaps of Meaps.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Schneider did you
come up to fix the outlet?
- No, actually I'm here to model
the latest fashions
from Black & Decker.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you're not
going to fix the outlet?
- Well yeah, sure I'm gonna.
But that was just a joke.
- Oh. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
I just love jokes.
Go ahead.
Finish it.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Schneider.
You have a date obviously
so you can do
this any other time.
- No I think I'd better
fix that outlet right now
because it could be dangerous.
- Where's the
little girl's room?
I'm on this watermelon diet.
(audience laughing)
- It's right back there.
- Oh, thank you.
- She's sure pretty Schneider.
- Thanks a lot kid but
looks ain't that important.
It's what in the
soul that counts.
(audience laughing)
Listen, Alex
go on over the fuse box there
and when I tell ya,
yeah, trip number three, okay?
- Okay.
- Alright, go ahead.
- Okay.
(breaker clicking)
- Schneider it's been working.
It just smells kinda funny.
- Yeah, well either
you got a bad wire
or a fried cockroach inside.
(audience laughing)
- A ha.
Listen, where are you and
your lady friend going Schneider?
Or shouldn't we ask?
- Well actually I'm taking her
over the other side of town.
We're gonna do some bowling.
I'm trying to keep
her under wraps.
Let me tell ya,
it's kinda difficult.
See I want to save her
for the annual lodge dance.
I got a terrific
reputation over there
for bringing gorgeous
dates, you know?
I mean, some of the guys
call me John Darageast.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Barbara,
you got to drive
me to the library.
- Oh.
(doorbell ringing)
- Ooh, that must be Sophie.
- Sophie, who?
- Uh, Degillio, you know,
my cousin from Logansport,
you brought the bed
up for her, remember?
- [Barbara] Sophie.
- Barbara?
This is little Barbara?
(both exclaiming happily)
Man I gotta get your recipes.
- Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Oh, it's been too long.
- Much too long, really.
- Hi.
- Well, hello.
Who are you?
- This is Alex Handris.
- Oh hi Alex.
I'm real glad to meet ya.
Ann wrote me about you.
- Oh.
- Uh ha.
I would like you to
meet our superintendent,
Dwayne Schneider.
- Oh sure, hi.
Ann wrote me about you too.
- Oh, something nice I hope.
- Uh, let me think.
Yeah, there was something nice.
(Schneider and
audience laughing)
- How are you?
Woah, good grip.
Good grip, big feet.
(audience laughing)
- Sophie I gotta take
Alex to the library
but we'll be right back, okay?
- Yeah, it was nice meeting you.
- Look Sophie, I'm
gonna put your bag
in Barbara's room, okay?
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- What are you working on?
- A little problem
here with the outlet.
- Smells like you
either got a bad wire
or a fried cockroach.
(audience laughing)
My grandfather
was an electrician.
He was full of all
those old wheezes.
(audience laughing)
- Let me ah, let
me have the pliers.
- Sure.
Needle nose or your pug?
- How'd you know that?
- My folks ran a hardware store.
- Sheesh.
Your grandfather's
an electrician.
Your folks owned
a hardware store.
I suppose you're
gonna tell me now
that your uncle owned a saloon.
- Hah.
No such luck.
He runs a brewery.
(audience laughing)
- Sorry I took so long.
My heel got caught
in my pantyhose.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Sophie I would
like you to meet
Maxine Heaps.
- Meaps.
- Meaps, uh.
Friend of Schneider's.
- Hello Maxine.
- Hi.
Hey Schneider, we gotta go.
- Oh yeah.
Yeah, okay.
This is fixed now.
The wire was arcing.
Just flip number
four, it'll be fine.
- Okay, thanks Schneider.
- Okay, kid.
Let's split.
- Don't forget your tool purse.
(audience laughing)
- How many teeth
in a hacksaw blade?
- 24 per inch.
Or, 32 depending upon the job.
- Hey Schneider, can't
we go to a piano bar?
I don't like bowling.
I always tip over.
(audience laughing)
- Maxine, would you
do me a favor dear
and go out to the elevator
and push the button?
- Up?
Or down? (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Down.
(laughing)
- Okey dokey.
Oh, bye!
- [Ann] Bye!
- Would you like to go
bowling tomorrow night?
- You think I'd accept a date
while you're on one with her?
- Oh yeah, I'm sorry.
Of course you wouldn't.
- Shows what you know.
(audience laughing)
- Pick you up at seven?
(audience laughing)
- [Schneider] Ahem!
Ahem!
- You're gonna wake them up,
they're sleeping.
- Of course they're sleeping.
I'm gonna wake 'em up too.
Don't you understand somethin'?
See something you
don't understand, see?
Women living alone.
You close a door softly,
they think burglar.
They come out
here, they mace ya.
Now you wanna
kiss a man goodnight
who's been maced?
- Actually it's been
one of my better tactics.
- Why I... (audience laughing)
- Ooh, what is all
the noise out here?
- It's my clutsy
date. (laughing)
- Hey, well well look
who's finally home.
- Ms. Romano, Barbara,
I want to ask you a very
important question, okay?
Will a bowling ball float?
(audience laughing)
- What?
- See I told you they
weren't interested in science.
Come on, let's sit down.
(laughing)
- Look at you two.
Where've you been?
- You won't believe it.
I told Dwayne I love
the smell of fresh pine.
- Oh, so he took
you to the lake.
- He took me to his
favorite lumber yard.
(audience laughing)
Not every man
would think of that.
- I want you to know Sophie that
from now on, that'll
be our lumber yard.
(audience laughing)
I wouldn't take
another woman there.
- Ah.
- Have you two been drinking?
- Nah!
- No. (laughing)
- No, you can't drink
when you're trying
to float a bowling ball.
(laughing)
- Right, at the lumber yard.
- No silly.
At the lake.
- Excuse me.
How did we get to the lake?
- It was a full moon.
He was trying to seduce me.
(gasping)
(audience laughing)
- I was not!
(laughing)
Besides,
before we could
get back to first base,
she makes this dumb bet.
Five dollars that a
bowling ball will float.
So I make the bet.
I win the bet.
Lose my favorite bowling ball.
(audience laughing)
- I gotta change my feet.
I'm squishing.
I was squishing along on...
- I tell ya.
She's really a nice lady.
Okay, so she's no raving beauty,
but we really had a lot of fun.
- Good.
- Yeah, you know.
Terrific looks, they
ain't all that important.
- Schneider what's the point?
- My point is that
I'm considering
not asking Maxine
and taking Sophie to
the annual lodge dance.
What's happening to me?
What's happening to
my sense of values?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, anybody
else want a six pack?
- You can finish it all.
- Hey, Schneider,
I saw that chick Cheryl that
you was out with last week.
Hey fellas, she has
got to be numero uno in
the Dwayne F.
Schneider hall of fame.
(audience laughing)
- Are you kidding?
You're gonna put her in
front of boom boom Verosky?
Boom boom Verosky
is way out in front.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, William.
What about the
dance in '73 when he
brought Mona the meter maid?
Ah, Schneider.
I don't know how you do it.
- I'd just love to
have your rejects.
- Sorry.
Warren Beatty gets those.
(audience laughing)
- Ante up.
- Alright, so I happen to
have a lot of god given talent.
- I'll take three.
- I mean with
Beethoven, it was music.
- I'll take dos.
- With Einstein, it was physics.
- Two.
- With me, it happens
to be la femme.
(audience laughing)
Dealer takes
uno.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.
- Who you bringing this year?
- Yeah, who is it?
- I'm still casting.
You know fellas,
a woman is a lot more
than just a pretty face.
- You're not kidding.
(laughing)
- I mean, a great
figure is nice,
but it ain't everything.
(laughing)
Ooh, I wonder who that could be.
Come in please.
Ah, Sophie.
Hey, how are ya there?
I'd like you to meet the guys.
This here's Beer
Belly, Roscoe, Ralph.
- Hi.
- How you do?
- This is Sophie Digillio.
It's Ann Romano's cousin.
- Hi fellas.
- Hey, look what she brought.
Food.
- Yeah, it's a pastrami
and roast beef and salami.
And here's yours Schneider,
just what you ordered.
Peanut butter
and a pair of Aces.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- You're alright Sophie.
- Oh yeah?
Well anything for
Schneider's pigeons.
(audience laughing)
Guys, use another player?
- Oh well actually Sophie,
this is kind of a
cut throat game.
You know, as you can see,
we got a couple a card sharks
and a killer walrus.
(audience laughing)
- What are you guys playing?
Five card stud?
Hi low?
Down the river?
- Where'd you learn those games?
- During the winter
in Logansport,
there are only two things to do
and I really hate shooting elk.
(laughing)
- Look, Sophie.
This ain't penny ante poker.
I think maybe the
stakes might be
a little bit too high for ya.
- I got $120 upstairs.
I don't know what to do with.
(audience laughing)
I'll be right back.
I gotta get my money
and my green eyeshade.
- She's really something, ah?
- Nice personality.
- Yeah, she's like
one of the boys.
(audience clapping)
- Boy, this is almost
as good as my room.
(audience laughing)
- I had a couple of
the guys over last night.
Gave 'em a few lessons
on how to play poker.
- Yeah, I heard.
Sophie's taking us
all out to dinner tonight
on the 83 bucks you dropped.
(audience laughing)
- Wasn't the only guy that lost.
She took Beer Belly
for a bundle too.
- You know, I really like her.
She's a neat lady.
- Mm, I know what you mean.
(audience laughing)
She's kinda like
one of the boys.
- Ah, you mean like
Kathleen Taufler.
- Who's Kathleen?
That your girlfriend?
- You kidding?
She's our shortstop.
She's a great infielder.
But we wouldn't want
to fool around with her.
Not like with Joanne Boyer.
- Joanne?
- She a real knockout?
- Oh yeah.
She's already dating
guys in the ninth grade.
(audience laughing)
- Listen, let me
ask you a question.
If there was a big
party coming up.
You know, like a
Halloween party,
which one would
you take to the party?
I mean, the shortstop
or this Joanne?
- Halloween party?
- Yeah.
- I don't know, I guess
I'd take the shortstop.
- You would?
- [Alex] Um-hmm.
- How come?
- Well, she's a lot of fun.
And she'd be wearing a mask.
(audience laughing)
- We don't get fresh
string beans around here
unless Grandma comes over.
- I know.
Schneider likes 'em.
- You're on a
campaign, aren't ya?
- Shows, huh?
- Only when you
talk about Schneider.
- I hope I don't scare him.
- Sophie, do you really deep
inside like him that much?
- Yep.
I mean I think I do.
- Honey you know
that you are not
the only woman in his life.
- Oh he's been real
honest about that.
We had a long talk
about his relationships.
Boy, was it long.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Sophie.
Doesn't that bother you?
- Would you believe
me if I said no?
- Uh-uh.
- He did.
And I think he's gonna
ask me to his lodge dance.
- That's a biggie.
I'm very impressed.
(laughing)
- I feel like some kind
of college kid waiting
for a boy to give me his pin.
- Sophie, word to the wise.
At Schneider's lodge,
being pinned means
both shoulders to the mat.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
(snoring)
(audience laughing)
(snoring)
(audience laughing)
(snoring)
(audience laughing)
(snoring)
- Barbara?
You awake?
(snoring) (audience laughing)
Barbara?
You awake?
(snoring) (audience laughing)
Barbara!
Are you awake?
- Yes, yes!
- Good I'm glad
I didn't wake you.
(audience laughing)
- No, that's okay.
I was dozing.
- Dozing?
You were snoring.
- I don't snore.
(audience laughing)
- We used to
always call it snoring.
- I do not snore.
- Fine, you don't snore.
Listen, is Sophie here?
- Uh, no.
She went shopping.
- Let me ask you a question.
Like the way Sophie
does her hair?
- Yeah, yeah I do.
Why, don't you?
- Well yeah, I do.
I just thought that you know,
she might want
to do a little more
bouffant.
(audience laughing)
- I thought you
liked the way she is?
- Well I do, you know.
But like hairstyles,
they change so quick.
I thought maybe she might
want to get a little more
aclarante.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider are
you gonna take her
to the lodge dance or not?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean
you don't know?
You said that you
were gonna ask her.
- I said I was thinking
about asking her.
I don't know if
it's a good idea.
- Why not?
- Well because
those lodge dances,
they can get very
rough you know.
Last year they had to
call in a SWAT team.
(audience laughing)
Just to park cars.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, give me a break.
She's not exactly fragile.
You've taken
her hiking, fishing,
and to your favorite
sawmill at the lumber yard.
Okay, so she's not like
every other date you've...
That's it, isn't it?
She's not flashy enough for you.
- Oh, would you please?
I would like to take Sophie
to the lodge dance very much.
- I don't believe that.
I don't believe that anymore
than I believe I snore.
You know, Sophie's probably
the nicest woman
you'll ever take out.
- Let's get something
straight, alright?
You snore!
(audience laughing)
You don't know you're snoring
cause you're asleep
when you're snoring,
but you snore!
(audience laughing)
- I said, Sophie is probably one
of the nicest women
you'll ever take out.
- I heard you.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Schneider's thinking
of taking someone else
to the lodge dance.
- Oh?
- Well you know,
Sophie is such a lady.
And the lodge is just, you know,
it's a lot of
ruffians, you know.
- That's pure bull.
- You're not as nice
as you used to be.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- I thought you liked Sophie.
- I do.
- Ah, I know.
She's not flashy enough for you,
is that what it is?
(audience laughing)
- Would you two with
the flashes, please?!
I haven't made up my mind.
- I thought you said
that you and Sophie
had found something
kinda special together?
- The other night we
were over at the park.
And we were holding hands.
And she made me
look up at the Milky Way
and she picked out a
star for me. (laughing)
That's not easy, you know?
I mean there's
a hundred zillion,
oh, that one?
No, no that one.
Oh no, that... Yeah,
that's a winner.
(audience laughing)
I mean, I've been looking
up at the stars all my life.
Nobody ever picked
out a star for me.
My very own star.
(accordion music)
- How long have
they been in the can?
- I don't know.
Maybe 20 minutes.
- How come you take
your wife any place,
the first place she
goes for is the can?
(audience laughing)
- I don't know.
- Roscoe, Belly, here
comes Schneider.
- Who did he bring?
- I don't believe it.
(audience gasping)
- [Belly] Gee willikens.
- [Roscoe] Holy smoke.
- Hi guys.
- Hi.
- Aren't ya gonna introduce us?
- Think you can stand it?
- Gents, I'd like you
to meet Maxine Meaps.
- How do you do?
- Hi.
- Hi.
(audience laughing)
- Beauty and brains, too.
(audience laughing)
- Would you like some punch?
- Oh, love some!
- I'll show you where it is.
- Excuse us.
Oh, thanks.
- Later on Heaps.
- Oh, Schneider,
she's the cream de la cream.
- Beer Belly?
Where's Roscoe?
- Oh, he went that a way.
- Roscoe.
Come back here.
(audience laughing)
- You know Schneider,
you may be my best
pal, but to this lodge,
you're Hugh Hefner.
(audience laughing)
- I gotta tell ya Belly.
I love you and the guys.
And I love this lodge.
(together)
- Eeno, Eeno, Whack, whacky do.
(audience laughing)
(accordion and soft big
band style dance music)
(audience laughing)
(clearing throat)
- Hi there, Ms. Romano.
Oh yeah, it's going
gangbusters down here, yeah.
Listen, let me speak to Sophie.
Oh, when did she leave?
I didn't even know that.
I never got a chance to say
goodbye, have a nice trip.
Yeah.
Yeah, I will.
Okay, I'll see you later.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
("One Day at Time" theme
music saxophone instrumental)