One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 7 - Dinner at Seven: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none
we'll just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, da da da da

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, da da da da

♪ One day at a time

- [Announcer] Here are some
scenes from last week's show.

- Stuffed shirts by Mr?

- Oh no, that's MR.

- Mark Royer.
- Mark Royer, right.


- So, I told him that
I'd see him later.

That's why I have to get
home to meet him at 9:30.

- Oh, I see. Oh, I understand.

- You... Oh, Mark, thank
you, I knew you would.

- Here. (audience laughing)

- What's that?

- That's a dime,
call your friend,

tell him you won't be there.

(audience laughing)

Look, I don't see what
you're so steamed about.

You agreed to have
one quick cup of coffee,

that's all we had, one
quick cup of coffee.

- In Kokomo, Indiana?

- You know what's wrong
with the world, Barbara?

- You're in it.

- A pretty quick
sense of humor there

for somebody who's a little
spoiled and kind of thoughtless.

- He drove me
across half the state

and wouldn't bring
me home to meet Jack.

- Look, Mrs. Romano,
I'm sorry you worried

and I'm sorry you're
upset but I'd do it again.


- [Announcer] And
now for the conclusion of

Dinner at seven.

- You're terrific,
you know that?

- Well, what do you
think of the old bod?

(audience laughing)

- It's trim, it's very, trim.

- You mean skinny, don't you?

Got to put on four more pounds

just to be a 97 pound weakling.

- What are your two goldfish
doing in the bathroom?

- There aren't any
goldfish in here.

- I know, they're
in the bathtub.

Have you ever tried getting
dressed in front of goldfish?

Just get those filthy
sardines out of the tub, Crusto.

- How dirty can fish be,
they're in water all the time.

- And then get
dressed, Alex, okay?

Francine's picking me up

and then we'll drop
you off at school.

- [Alex] Okay.

- Barbara, aren't you
over reacting just a little?

- I can't stand those stupid
goldfish, I hope they drown.

- The goldfish or Mark Royer?

- Goldfish are not that stupid

and why are you bringing him up?

- Because my darling,
for a week now,

ever since your date with Mark,

you have been
behaving like this.

- Like what?

(audience laughing)

Mom, why is he bugging me?

- He hasn't called,
he hasn't written,

hasn't tried to see you.

- I know, why is he
bugging me like that?

- Ah, Francine.


- Hi, Annie, all set?

- Almost, almost.

- Hi, Barbara.
- Hi, Francine.

(audience laughing)

- She has man trouble.

- Oh, well it's better
to have man trouble

than no man trouble.

Oh, Ann, I'm
sorry, I didn't think.

(audience laughing)

- Why should you
start now, Francine?

- Well, Barbara, you
just happen to be in luck

because this is my specialty.

- Trouble?

- Men.

Oh, well a glass of orange
juice would be just lovely.

Thank you.

Well, maybe next time.

So, Barbara you're really
wild about this guy, huh?

- Wild is an understatement.

Our first and only date
was a total disaster.

I told him I hated him, I
told him I despised him.

- Oh, well, now he
knows you're interested.

- Who said I was interested?

- Come on, now
Barbara, first thing,

no mater what, you
got to be honest.

- With men?

No wonder she's having trouble.

Barbara, you have
got to play the game.

Ploy, gambit, counter-ploy.

- This is not a
game, this is life.

You should be honest.

- You're right, be very
honest about what you want.

Then cheat and lie to get it.

- I've never met anyone so
honest about being deceptive.

- I prefer to think of it
as charm with a purpose.

Annie, tell me, what do you
think of Barbara's young man?

- Mark?

Well, he seemed nice enough.

He said he thought that I
was Barbara's roommate.

- There, see, he's
playing the game.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, you said you never
wanted to see Mark again.

As a matter of fact,
you have said that

every single day
for the past week.

Come on, how about
a little honesty, huh?

- Alright, you want honesty?


I am bugged.

I am annoyed.

I am - - Intrigued?

- Intrigued?


I will not give you intrigued.

I will give you ambivalent.

- Ah, I will take it!

Because you see, Barbara,

you have been an
ambivalent pain in the butt.

Do us all a favor
and see him again.

- Oh, it might be awful.

- Terrific, fine, wonderful!

Then you'll clear it
up once and for all.

You don't have to like him,

you don't have to
have a good time.

If it's awful, that's terrific.

- You must be a fun date, Annie.

- Well, all set for another
big day in the mines.

Ah, hi, Francine.

- Hi, handsome.

Hey, looking good.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, just call him, huh?

- Mom, I can't, not after
what he did to me and what I -

- Barbara, you are right,

you have to run
into him by accident.

Now, where does Mark
spend most of him time.

- At the dental clinic,
he's studying dentistry.

- Have you tried abscessing?

- Okay, come on, Barbara.


Tell him... Tell him
you owe him a dinner.

- You want me cook for him?

- That's one way of
getting back at him.

(audience laughing)

- I am not going to gravel.

Francine, have you
got any great ideas on

how to invite a man to
dinner without looking

like I'm inviting him to dinner?

- Let him pursue you, play him.

- You know, I don't think
I should be hearing this,

I'm on the other team.

- And I'll bet that's
your team, the sharks.

- Yeah, it's baseball.

- I'll bet you're
a sweet swinger.

- Well. (audience laughing)

- Alex, you're not
going to go to school

in that ratty old
t-shirt are you?

- Ratty?

- You team needs
new t-shirts right?

- No.

- Oh yeah, sure they do.
- Barbara!

Barbara, what are you
doing, I'm half naked?

(audience laughing)

- You've been working out?

- Well, yeah.

(audience laughing)

A little.

- Oh, I can tell.

- Alex, I know where
I can get a great deal

on some new t-shirts
for you whole team.

- Huh?
- Mark.

- Mom, I'm going
to take your advice.

I am going to see Mark.

And I am going to be honest.

I am honestly going to
see him about some t-shirts.


- Robert, Mr. Royer here
is going to finish polishing

that little filling
and you'll be all set.

It's really quite simple.

I'm going to look in on
some of the other students.


Robert, Robert, no, no,
it's going to be alright,

I'm leaving you in great hands.

(whimpering) (audience laughing)

- Thanks for that kind
vote of confidence, Robert.



- Mark.
- What are you doing here?

(yelling) (audience laughing)

Look what you made me do.

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry, Robert.

- Look, sorry.

I wouldn't be here
at all except, Alex,

you've heard about Alex.

- Huh?

- You haven't heard about Alex.

Anyway, he's on this
baseball team, the sharks,

and like, they need
new t-shirts, but like,

they don't have any money.

- Just a minute please.



okay, Robert, you're all set.

We'll see you six
months or sooner

if you don't stay away
from those soft drinks.

- Oh, no, nothing but
Pierre for me from now on.

(audience laughing)

- Look, couldn't we do
this some other place?

- I think you've shown me
enough of the Indiana countryside,

thank you.

- Okay, but I am in school.

I'm supposed to be
working on patients.

Here, sit down.
- What?

- Sit down.

In case a professor comes by.

Sharks, huh?

- And these are the sizes and
the numbers that go on them.

- Okay, let's see, a
dozen shirt at 9.95 a shirt.

- I was thinking,
well, you know,

there might be a discount.

- Oh right, because we
mean so much to each other.

(audience laughing)

Okay, I can have them
for you on Tuesday at cost.

No charge for the labor.

- Thank you very much.

- [Mark] I can drop them
off around dinner time.

- Dinner time?

Look, Mark, I don't
know what your game is

but I'm not playing.

I don't owe you dinner
and I'm not cooking for you.

- Fine, so I'll
deliver the shirts.

I'm not staying for dinner.

- Oh, oh okay, I
see your game now.

- What game?

- You think I
should feel indebted.

Well, it won't work.

You do the shirts,

you're coming to dinner
Tuesday night, 7:00.

- I'll be there.

- [Dr. Glenn] Royer,
how's it going.

- Fine, Dr. Glenn,
fine, no problem.

- Oh, let me take a look.

(audience laughing)

Open please.

Ah ah.
- Ah ah.

- That's a bad one,

we're going to have
to go pretty deep there.

I'm afraid it's going
to have to come out.

- You think that's necessary?

- This baby has to go.

- The molar?

- No, the brunette.

Keep your girlfriends
out of the clinic, Royer.

As for you young lady,

never show your molars
to a man on your first date.

(audience clapping)

- Hi, Barbara.
- Hi, Schneider.

- Oo boy, you look terrific.
- Thanks.

- What are they?
- Canapés and pâté.

- Holy mackerel.

All of this for Mark?

- Is it too much?

I mean, I want it to look
nice but not too nice.

I mean, nice like it would
be nice if it really were nice

not nice like I fixed
it up to be nice.

(audience laughing)

- I see, you just
kind of want it to think

that you didn't do
too much fussing.

- [Barbara] Yeah.

- Like it's just a normal,

regular every
Tuesday night dinner.

- That's it.

- Well, what are you serving?

- Rock Cornish game
hen, wild rice almondine,

watercress salad and
a simple flan for dessert.

(audience laughing)

- Well, as long as
it's a simple flan.

(audience laughing)

- Is it too gourmetish?

- Don't ask me.

I haven't had any gourmet
food since I got out of the navy.

(audience laughing)

So anyway, what's the matter
with the hot water faucet?

- It's making noise again.

- Making noise again, huh?

Well, let's see what
it's doing this time.

(music playing)
(audience laughing)

- Okay, let's get going.

- Hey Barbara,
what's this stuff?

- Alex, don't touch that!

That's pâté and canapés.

- Thanks for the warning.

- You guys stepping out, huh?

- Oh, we're just
getting out of the way.

A little dinner and
the Pacers games.

- Ah, that's terrific.

I'll look after things here.

- No, Schneider, come on.

- No, you see, the thing
is, I want to talk to Mark.

Strictly business,

Alex told me the guy
does t-shirts and things

and I got a rush
emergency job for him.

- Schneider, come on, I think
that they'd like to be alone.

- Yeah, right, sure, sure.

I'll never forget the first time

a woman cooked dinner for me.

Sylvia Bluetooth Stattlebock.

(audience laughing)

She was five years old.

We had earthworms Au gratin.

She served a very
dry Hawaiian punch.

- See you later.
- Bye.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Twelve shark t-shirts.

- And one red rose.

- Oh, yeah.

- Thank you.

- Well.

- Yeah, well.

- Smells great.

- Oh, it's Cornish game hen.

- Oh, could've
sworn it was Faberge.

- Oh, that.

- It's one of my
favorite scents.

- Faberge?
- Cornish hen.

(audience laughing)

- Oh well, next time
I'll just save a buck.

Put a hint of chicken
grease behind each ear.

- Did I happened to mention

that you have a very
unique sense of humor?

- Well, I must have.

I invited you, didn't I.

- Well, that's
because I finagled.

- Finagled?

- Yeah, it's technical
term we dentists use.


Extractions are my specialty.

See the thing is, when
you walked into the clinic -

- For the t-shirts.

- Right, for the t-shirts.

Barbara, I finagled
this dinner invitation.

- You didn't?
- I did.

- Why?

- Why, well, because

for some strange reason
I wanted to see you again.

I was just feeling... I don't
know what I was feeling.

I felt - - Ambivalent?

- Right, ambivalent, that's it.

- Well, why didn't
you just call me?

- I don't know, I guess
once a girl tell you to buzz off,

that she hates you
and despises you,

you figure, well, maybe
she's not all that interested.

(audience laughing)

- Did I say all that?

- Those were the compliments.

(audience laughing)

- Cheers.
- Cheers.


- Hello.

(audience laughing)

Mind if I pop in?

- Yes.

- Thank you very much.

Hi Mark, we met the other day.

My name is Dwayne Schneider,

I'm the maintenance
engineer for this family.

- Schneider, has
anyone ever told you

your sense of
timing is incredible?

- They all do.

(audience laughing)

Anyway Mark, I understand
that you're a skivvy impresario.

- What?

- You make t-shirts and
print names and stuff.

- Anything that's fit
to print, we print to fit.

- See, we got a big problem
down at the lodge, you know.

We got some t-shirts made
for our annual beer bust

and chili bake off.

- So, what's the problem?

- Well, see, the
lodge, we're all known,

the guys in the lodge,

we're known as the Secret
Order of Beavers, see.

But the guy who's doing
the t-shirts, he thought that,

I don't know how he found
or what somebody told him,

but he thinks that we're

the Secret and Loyal
Order of Beavers.

(audience laughing)

- I see the problem there.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, what do you want on them?

- Just what we are.

Just nothing but what we are,

the Secret Order of Beavers.

- The SOBs?

- That's us.

(audience laughing)

That's it, and we'd like
them tomorrow morning.

- Oh, no, no, I can't do it.

See, I'd have to sketch a
design then make a positive,

transfer the positive
to the negative

and then do each shirt by hand.

- That's a lot of work.
- Yeah.

- We need 54 of them.

- Schneider, you
heard him, he can't do it.

- 54, 54 t-shirts!

Wow, that would
be $135 clear profit.

- You could do it?

- Well, I'd have to start
right now and work all night,

but I'd just about finish
in time for my 10:00 class.

- By the time we eat -

- Oh, yeah, dinner, oh.

- 135 bucks, great, I
can't get that new set of

Lee Trevino woods
that are on sell.

- Golf clubs, right.

I understand.

- You do, well terrific.

- Listen, maybe we
can paint the L out, huh?

- We'll just do this
tomorrow night, right.

- Wrong.

- Well, Thursday?
- Uh uh.

- Friday?
- No.

- Oh, I got it.

- You're kind of quick there

for someone who's a little
spoiled and kind of thoughtless.

- Mark, listen, you don't
really know all of the guys

down at the lodge.

I believe, I actually believe

that we could go with the SLOBs.

- Here.

A hungry competitor, I
think he'll do your job.

- Gee, that's terrific.

Thanks a lot, thanks a lot

and enjoy the dinner.

Guy turns down $135 for a
scrawny chicken and some rice?

(audience laughing)

- Why did I do that?

- Maybe you like Cornish hen.

- I hope that's it,
because if it's not,

oh no.

- Oh no, what?

- All week long
I've been feeling -

- Ambivalent.

- Right, then I get
here and right off,

I have to make a
choice, four golf clubs or...

Or you.

- Tough decision.

- So I guess I don't feel quite
as ambivalent as I thought.

- I know what you mean.

- You do?

- Would you like
an hor d'oeuvres?

- Thank you.

- Holy teapot, if you'll
pardon the expression.

This is kind of scary.

- It's pâté.

- No, I mean us,
tonight, it's going too well.

With us, when an
evening begins great it's -

- Oh, well, I've
very sure this one

will not end the same way.

- Why?

- I'm already home.

- Smart thinking.

Well, one good thing
about that stupid evening,

we didn't have to worry about
that awkward, embarrassing

kiss on the first date.

- Now we have to worry
about it on the second date.

- No we don't.
- We don't?

- Mm mm.

That's beautiful.
- Thank you.

Didn't seem awkward.

- No, felt right.

Glad you thought of it.

- Well, it wasn't exactly

what I had in mind
by hor d'oeuvres.

Would you like anything else?
- Mm hmm.

- Pâté?
- Mm mm.

- Canapés?
- Mm mm.

- Do you smell
something burning?

- I think possibly it's me.

- I'll check the oven.

- Barbara, that
dinner was delicious.

- Thank you.

- It's a good thing too,

I figure each mushroom
cost me $8.50.

- Come on, nobody made you stay.

- Oh yeah, somebody
made me stay.

Barbara, did I happen to mention

that you're the most
beautiful woman in the room?

(audience laughing)

- No.

- Well, I will
sometime, remind me.

- When?

- Oh, maybe at a rock concert

where there are
about a million people.

Or a Pacers game.

Miss America pageant.

- That's very sweet.

Mark, I have to tell you.

I didn't come to see
you about the t-shirts.

- You didn't?

- No, I too had a
week that was sort of -

- Ambivalent?

- You could say that.

- Barbara, let me ask you.

Are you trying to make
me fall in love with you?

- No.

- Oh, well I guess it
must be my own idea.

(audience laughing)

- This is either
the smoothest pitch

I've ever hear or else -

- I think it's or else.

- That would be nice.

- You mean you feel -

- Oh, I didn't say that exactly.

- Well, I didn't say
it either, exactly.

- Say what?

- Barbara.

- Mark, we hardly
know each other.

- That's right, that's
another advantage.

Give us something to talk
about on our wedding night.

(audience laughing)

- Our wedding night?
- Our wedding night.

Yours and mine.

- Is this a proposal, I mean,

is this the way
these things happen?

- Yes and I don't know,
I've never done this before.

- Well, Mark, you just can't
ask somebody to marry you

on the second date, can you?

- I sure couldn't ask
you on the first one.

(audience laughing)

No, no, you're right.

You can't ask a girl to
marry you on the second date.

- Oh, you can't?

- Okay, well let's
figure this out.

When can you ask a girl
to marry you, what date?

The third, 91st?

I got it, the 32nd.

- You're crazy.

- Well, let's see,
let's take a look here.

You figure, what, an
average of five dates a week,

not counting lunches.

Makes it six weeks
from Thursday.

- Well, you know Mark,
if you were to figure

six dates a week
and count lunches.

(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)

(upbeat music)