One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 10 - Not So Silent Partner - full transcript

("This is It" by Polly Cutter)

♪ This is it, this is
life... the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, straight
ahead and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle
through one day at a time

♪ So up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One dat at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Hey let me give
you a hand with that.

- No that's okay
I can handle it.

- Carrying in the
groceries is a mans job.

So let a man do the job.

You can put them away
that's a woman's job.

- Right, along with
plowing the field?

- There you go.

- You know Schneider
you amaze me

the way you can
categorize, label and reduce

an entire gender.

- Well it comes mostly
from experience.

Oh shaving cream.

Alex must be growing
up quicker than I thought.

- I picked it up for Mark.

- Oh the new boyfriend.

Things are getting kind of
mushy between you two, aint they?

- No. Well maybe. Yeah.

- You gonna marry him?

- Schneider we
just started dating.

- That stupid pig-headed man.

- 3:15 in the afternoon,

your dates are ending
earlier and earlier, aint they?

- I am talking about the

stupid pig-headed
man at the bank.

- I take it he turned
down your loan?

- No, he turned me over to the

stupid pig-headed woman
who turned down my loan.

- How come?

- She said I don't qualify
for a business loan.

Our company
doesn't have collateral.

- How come you need a loan?

Company going belly-up?

- No as a matter or
fact it's the opposite.

- Belly-down?

- Francine and I are going
after a national account.

Ah, at least we were.

She has connections
with the people over at

Georgette Jeans.

- Georgette Jeans those
great new French dungarees

made in Taiwan?

- I tell ya, without that loan

there is no way we can
do a marketing analysis,

hire a layout artist
and photographer,

commission a media expert
let alone that trip to New York.

I mean there is
absolutely no way...

- Uh I'll get that mom.

I'm late and I promised
Mark that I'd meet him.

- Okay.

- Oh hi, Barbie.

- Hi Francine, nice
talking to you bye.

- Hello partner.

- Hello Francine.

- Well would you believe it?

I got out of my car
and found a flat tire.

Excuse me?

What is that cologne
you're wearing?

- It's just something
I splashed on.

- Well whatever it is you
ought to be locked up.

- I'll fix your flat.

- Well thank you.

I appreciate it.

- You wanna leave it overnight

I'll see if I can
check your alternator.

- So Annie, did
you get the loan?

- No.

- No?

- What word didn't
you understand?

- Ann, I have been
running my tail off setting up

the meeting in New York.

All you had to do
was go to the bank

and get $10,000.

- Sorry we don't have the
collateral and I forgot my gun.

- But, Romano this is
our big chance to put

together a big campaign,

TV commercials,
billboards, radio spots,

not to mention dealing
with a million dollar budget.

- A million dollars?

- Yes, a million dollars and we

would've made a
$150,000 commission.

- They want to pay you two
women that kind of money

and all they want
is your brains?

- Who knows how
many other accounts this

one would've brought in.

- Damn banks.

They all sound so
friendly on the radio.

There must be some way
that we can raise that $10,000.

- I got $10,000.

- Francine, no.

- Oh Annie really?

What makes you
think for a moment

that I would even consider
borrowing the money from Dwayne?

- Francine.

- Ms. Romano as a man
I know about investments

and I have already
decided to get in on this deal,

but I don't mind
being worked on.

- Good boy.

- We are not borrowing
money from Schneider.

- Nonsense we would
love to take his money.

- We are not talking take,

we are not talking borrowing

we are talking investing.

I want a piece of the action.

50% of the Georgette
Jeans account.

- 5%

- 30%

- Five.

- 10.

- Six.

- Deal.

- No deal.

Schneider I can't
gamble with your money.

You don't borrow
money from a friend.

- Come on will you.

I already missed out on
Xerox, IBM and the pet rock.

I want in.

- Oh Annie.

- Schneider look you
just don't understand.

There are a lot of
risks involved here.

I can't be responsible
for your life savings.

- My life, my life savings.

Ms. Romano what kind
of a fool do you think I am?

The thing is that's
only a piece of the pie.

I own the title to my camper,

I have a lovely lot
on Lake Havasu,

I bought gold at
a good price and

I got another $30,000
tied-up solid as a rock.

- Well I didn't realize. No.

- Ms. Romano you
don't understand.

Six and a half years
ago you wandered in here

divorced, jobless
with no apparent skills.

Face it your life
was in the gutter.

I gave you six months,
maybe a year to the outside,

but somehow you
clawed your way back up.

You're going places Romano

and I want to hitch
my star to your wagon.

- So what your saying is
this is strictly business?

- Strictly business you might
say I'm bullish on Romano.

- That's nice. I'm touched.

Okay, Schneider it's a deal.

- Aye, we got a deal.

Right the three of us, partners.

- I like this.

Listen to this if you're
looking for beauty

it's all in the jeans.

- I think that's
marvelous for 8 am

of course now it
is a quarter of 12.

- So what have you done.

- Well I arranged studio
time for the TV demo,

I hired a photographer
and the media expert.

I arranged interviews
with the models.

- Alright I have another one,

give him you, gift wrapped
in Georgette Jeans.

- I made reservations
for the hotel in New York

and I sent out for lunch.

Two tuna salads
and two diet colas.

- Hello. I was just
in the neighborhood

so i thought I would stop by

of course if you're busy
I can come back later.

- No that's okay.

- Sure?

- Oh no problem, Romano's
not doing anything anyway.

Well we won't stay long.

- We?

- Come on in guys.

- Hey Schneider this is some
beautiful office you got here.

- Roscoe, Jerry
I'd like you to meet

Ann Romano and Francine Webster.

- Hey, hello.

- Oh ho, you're an equal
opportunity employer huh?

- These two are my partners

see they're the creative people

I'm the financial genius.

- Yes Schneider's
mentioned you a lot

Mrs. Romano.

- Ms.

- Yeah I gotta, I'll
write that down.

- And it's a pleasure
to meet you too

uh Ms. Webster.

- Miss.

- Hey okay.

Some set up you got here Scneid.

Nice partners too.

- Uh Schneider it is really
nice to meet your friends,

but we do have work to do.

- Oh hey listen we
ain't gonna bother you

go ahead, do your work.

- Thanks.

- Want some coffee?

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah that does sound good.

- Ms. Romano could you uh...

- Schneider look I am...

- Gentlemen, look Ms. Romano and

I have an awful
lot of work to do

and somehow we just
can't seem to concentrate

with all of you big, strong,
handsome men in the room.

I'm sure you understand.

- Oh hey, yes.


- We'll uh see
you later Schneid.

A pleasure to meet
you Miss Francine.

You too Ms. Romano.

- See you down
at the lodge guys.

I'm sorry for buttin' in.

It's just I was down
at the lodge and

I mentioned I
was in advertising.

- Yeah, sure.

Schneider we understand,

but it's a little
difficult trying

to get some work
done with people

running in and out all the time.

- Absolutely, besides what
do I know about advertising?

- [Ann] Right.

- I mean look at this here.

I think that's awful,

but obviously you
ladies disagree.

- Well no as a matter of
fact, Schneider you're right

that's why we tossed it.

- Yeah, better to eat the $1000,

than to go with something
we're not happy with.

- $1000?

This thing cost $1000?

- Yes it did.

- Well I mean it's
not really too bad.

Put some blue lines.

- Schneider forget
it, okay it's out.

- Let me explain it to
you this way, Dwayne.

Business is like love.

You try something
it doesn't work

you try something else.

- Yeah I guess you gotta
spend money to make money.

That's an old business epitaph.

Wait a second now hold on.

What's going on here?

I mean that's a good pencil.

What are we throwing
pencils away for

you ever hear of Exxon
throwing away pencils?

- Schneider, pencils?

Have you ever heard of
the term silent partner?

- Ms. Romano I got
an investment here

and I have stockholders
right and duty,

yes duty to speak up.

- Oh yes, of course
you do Dwayne.

A mans point of view
is exactly what we need.

- Thank you.

- So why don't you go home and

write down all of your ideas and

then in a couple of days

I'll tell you what,
we'll have brunch.

- Brunch? I've never had brunch.

- You'll love it.

- Yeah well see the
thing is you know,

man sees woman
jeans from an entirely

different angle you
know what I mean?

Look here you see
you're trying to sell butts,

but you gotta use more bosom.

- Bosom does not
sell pants to women.

- Are you kidding?

You ever squeeze a balloon?

Tighter the bottom,
bigger the top.


- That is the
stupidest, most idiotic,

most chauvinistic
statement I've ever heard.

- Of course if
you're unlucky you

could get thick ankles.


- Look Schneider we have
to be in New York in a week.

We have a deadline to make.

Now you hitched
your star to my wagon.

So why don't you just
sweat it out with the rest of us.

Please just go home.

- Alright I'll leave,

but I'm not going home.

- Hi Annie. Hello Mark.

Is Barbara ready I'm
gonna drop her off at work.

- [Barbara] Yes I'm ready.

- Hi. Hi.

- Jealous huh?

- Uh maybe.

- How's that?

- Not the same.

- Oh I found this
tacked to your door.

- It's from Schneider.

Dear Ms. Romano

even though you are
not too open-minded,

how about this?

Orson Wells is wearing
a pair of Georgette Jeans

in a laundromat and he
says I will wear no jeans

before they're clean.

- Have a good day.

- Okay we will.

- Bye. Bye.

Oh hello, Schneider.

- Well hello Schneider.

- Why hold it a sec will ya.

I'd like to have a
man to man talk.

- Well sure what do
you want to talk about?

Okay, I'll get the elevator.

- I just want you to know

I approve of you and
Barbara going together.

- Oh, thank you. Is that it?

- No I just want to
say that it's nice that

you two are getting very close.

Barbara's a warm close person.

She's very close to her mother.

She's very close to you

and you know her
mother tells her everything.

You understand what I'm saying?

- Not yet.

- Well I was just
wondering if in one of

those warm tender
moments that you and Barbara

have had if by chance
she might have said

anything about her mother
saying the words like;

broke, abscond, South America?

- Uh no. Mostly we don't talk

about her mother during
those loving tender moments.

- Well I think
that's appropriate.

So anyway, thanks.

- You're welcome.

- Alright, I got it.

I got it, I got it. Midgets.
- What?

There's a hundred
thousand little people

in this country and they all
want to wear designer jeans.

Okay, here's the thing

if you're short on legs

Georgette Jeans
is long on style.

- It leaves me speechless.

- I'm going down
to the laundry room

to get my cords.

- Hold on wait a second, cords?

You wear cords?

- Uh-huh I just bought 'em.

- You see that Ms.
Advertising genius

the whole countries
switching to cords.

- One kid is the whole country?

Schneider what the
hell is wrong with you?

- Nothing, will you. Forget it.

- Boy I'll tell you.

I've never seen you act
so worried in all my life.

You'd think that $10,000
was all the money

you had in the world.

Oh my God.

Schneider you told
me that money was

just a piece of the pie.

You said you had
land at Lake Havasu.

- I did. Now it's
in Lake Havasu.

- Alright, what
about all that gold?

- The gold, well the gold is...

- The other $30,000?

- It's a life insurance
policy I gotta die to collect.

- Damnit Schneider
if I would've known

that was all the money
you had in the world

I never would've borrowed it.

- Well you know me, what
right did you have to believe me?

- Okay Schneider just pray
our presentation goes well.

- Pray. That's where it's at?

In the hands of God?

Oh terrific you got it
big guy, lots of luck.

- Schneider I have a
great deal of confidence.

Now we're flying to New
York in a couple of hours...

- Flying?

Why don't you take a bus?

What's wrong with
a nice little bus?

- Relax okay? I really...

- Alright, alright I'll relax,

but do me a favor will ya?

- Sure.

- When you get to New
York you handle the money

and not Francine.

- Why?

- Because I trust you

and you're less
likely to get molested.

Where's your mother
her plane from New York

landed 40 minutes ago.

- Schneider she will be here

and she probably
won't know anymore

than when she
called from New York.

They're not gonna
say yes just like that.

- In other words, don't
call us, we'll call you.

- Will you please just sit down,

you're going bananas.

- I am not going bananas.

- Bananas.

- Maybe you're right.

I should've never gotten
into this crazy deal.

- Then why did you?

- Because, when
you get to be my age,

not that I'm old,
you start wondering

about what's gonna
happen to your money.

I mean the taxes, inflation

you can't make nothing
on a savings account

and now Social
Security's in the dumper.

You take a risk.

Try and hit it all
on one big shot

and me like a dumbbell
I sink all my money

into some fly by night
advertising agency.

It's about time she got here.

Where have you been?

- School.

Oh I get it the Vice
Principal called

I might've known she would

well I'll tell you
right now I did

not write that word
on the blackboard.

I was trying to erase it
when the teacher walked in,

but do you think
she believed me?

No, she didn't.

She saw the chalk on
my hand and that was it.

She didn't even check
Sally Frazier's hand and

Sally's got the foulest
mouth in school.

The good guys don't
stand a chance in this world.

- And you think
you have problems?

- Hello everybody. Hi.

- Hi mom how was your flight?

- Well as a matter of
fact it was really nice.

It was smooth and
the food was good

and I even sat next to
a very personable man

on the plane and
wait, hi Schneider

until you see these
wonderful boots that I bought.

- I don't want to see boots,

am I broke or not?

- Schneider I don't know yet.

- Well when will you know?

- I don't know it
could be today,

it could be next month.

- It could be next year

my life insurance is gonna
pay off quicker than this.

- Schneider give me a break.

We were not the only
agency vying for that account.

- There was another
agency, you never said...

Oh my God was it run by men?

- That does it.

That finally does it.

- Now come on you guys
are too good of friends

to fight over money.

- We used to be friends.

How could I let myself
be conned into this.

- Are you saying
that I conned you?

You were the one who said
you had land in Lake Havasu,

you were the one
who said you had gold,

you said you had $30,000

you lied to me, Schneider.

- Mom.

- So it's come to this has it?

You calling me a liar.

Well madame you are short.

- Okay, I always suspected this

about you Schneider
you are not a love person,

you are not a people person,

you are a money person.

Here take your damn check.

- No, no, no when I make a deal.

I keep it.

$2,000 that's all that's left?

- We spent the rest.

- On shoes, on
boots, on clothes.

- Schneider I will pay
you back with interest.

- Forget it my dear women.

Men do not welsh on deals.

- Who cares, now
Schneider either accept

this check in the
cheerful way it is given

or never, never walk
through that door again.

- Let me see if I
understand this

either I accept that check...

- In the cheerful
way it is given.

- Or I never come
through that door again.

- That's right.

- Thank you. Welcome.

No hard feelings.
No hard feelings.

- Good day madame.

- Good day.

- Break out the best crystal.

- We got the account.

- Right, the message was
on my tape when I got home.

- We did it.

- Oh congratulations.

- We got an actual
account, we're in the money.

Ah, Schneider under
the circumstances

I think it's perfectly alright

if you want to buy right
in an take your profit.

- Oh no, no Annie
forget the profits for now.

We have to fly them
right back in the business.

They are willing to let
us handle their whole line

if we come up with
the right campaign.

- Oh are you willing
to take that gamble?

- I already told them we would

and why not we could win it all.

- Or you could lost it all.

- Yes, Barbara that's right,

but you can't get
anywhere in this life

unless you take chances.

- I say let's go for it.

- Great, I'm with you.

Schneider, you with us?

- I would love to be with you,

but as it happens my investment
broker has informed me

my portfolio needs
some diversification.

So what I'm going to do is

I'll take back my principal and

a little interest and
maybe a little bonus

and I think I'll just...
- Bail out.

- Geronimo.